Things I May No Longer Do While Playing IV: The Decanter of Endless Bad Ideas

[Amidus Drexel]

*Strings of Aasimar eyeballs do not make an appropriate Christmas decoration.

**Ditto for Tiefling horns.

[Balmas]

**Ditto for Tiefling horns.

***Dragon teeth, however, are considered quite tasteful.

[Doorhandle]

***Dragon teeth, however, are considered quite tasteful.

*The petrified genitals of your foes are NEVER an appropriate decoration for ANYTHING.

[Afool]

*The petrified genitals of your foes are NEVER an appropriate decoration for ANYTHING.

**No , not even then!

[Kelb_Panthera]

*The petrified genitals of your foes are NEVER an appropriate decoration for ANYTHING.

Not even in the fertility rites of a tribe of savages who generally believe that making trophies of your enemies' flesh gives you their power?

[Afool]

Not even in the fertility rites of a tribe of savages who generally believe that making trophies of your enemies' flesh gives you their power?

I refer you to my above post.

[Felandria]

A preemptive one.

*I may not cast flesh to stone on the rest of the party
*I may not then use shrink item on them and put them on a necklace
*I may not then sneak them into an enemy camp, cast time stop and return them to normal so they can position themselves for an ambush.
*Because there far easier, albeit less cool, ways to do that, Like invisibility.

[Raven777]

* Not allowed to plot anything that would make me a greater threat to the multiverse than the current BBEG

* Not allowed to come up with a ritual where the BBEG serves as a sacrifice

* No, I cannot hijack the BBEG's BBEG position

[Milo v3]

* I cannot recreate an event which resulted in the first apocalyse.
** Especially when the event is the creation of an Elder Evil.

[Doorhandle]

A preemptive one.

*I may not cast flesh to stone on the rest of the party
*I may not then use shrink item on them and put them on a necklace
*I may not then sneak them into an enemy camp, cast time stop and return them to normal so they can position themselves for an ambush.
*Because there far easier, albeit less cool, ways to do that, Like invisibility.

*Cannot use shrink item and a cannon in order to shoot 100 tons of matter from a cannon that holds only 1 ton.

*Not allowed to use animal growth on my war mammoth.
** No matter how awesome it would be to trample over my foes on a mammoth bigger than most castles.
*** May not make overrun attacks of opportunity if I can't physically reach my target.
**** Cannot teach my mammoth teamwork feats!
*****Or style feats, for that matter...

[Techwarrior]

*Not allowed to use Animal Growth on my war mammoth.
** No matter how awesome it would be to trample over my foes castles.

Fixed.

[Amidus Drexel]

*The petrified genitals of your foes are NEVER an appropriate decoration for ANYTHING.

Tell that to the cleric in my last campaign.

[byaku rai]

*I may not start associating particular things and experiences with certain otherwise innocuous words.

**This goes double if those associations are references to any of the following: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Homestuck, any anime (yes, even that one), Spongebob Squarepants, or Monty Python.

**I may not systematically chip away at the play group's usable vocabulary by making words that either make the whole group start laughing hysterically or launch off into extended references.

**Doing this to the point where we are all speaking in Wikipedia's Simple Mode just to avoid that is in poor taste.

**Doing this to that point and then 'crossing the streams' by using multiple associated words in a single sentence is ABSOLUTELY PROHIBITED.

***Doing this last immediately after the BBEG finishes their monologue, so that the DM is too busy laughing to finish the battle, will result in books being pressed into service as impromptu projectiles.

[Doorhandle]

Tell that to the cleric in my last campaign.

Details, please.

Also, refer him/her to this. I think he/she might like it.

[Felandria]

*I must not slide down the icy slope into the ice cave before making sure the dwarf is out of the way first.
*Because a flattened dwarf is useless.

[Deathkeeper]

*Playing a Warforged does not give me the right to make a joke character.
**Soulknives may not use the "Mind Weapon" power to produce drills from nowhere.
***Even if PathFinder's Soulknives' Throw Two-Handed, Wing Clip, Powerful Charge, and Exploding Critical would be exactly like Giga Drill Breaker.
****Psionics are not powered by "Spiral Energy"
*****My Warforged may not be a monk accompanying a human he claims is his brother wearing a red cloak.
******No Warforged. Ever.

[Amidus Drexel]

Details, please.

Also, refer him/her to this. I think he/she might like it.

Heh, he used to claim the unmentionables of large enemies the party defeated (notably, some frost giants, although I'm sure there were others), and wear them as garments. I believe the frost giant's were made into a headband.

He probably would like that comic, actually.

[Guizonde]

warning: wall of text ( before you ask, all is true, all is banned, i learn by exploits)

The Dark Eye homebrew

Spoiler

Show

*not allowed to play a troll again (even level -4 compared to the rest of the party, especially if i rolled THAT good)
*not allowed to play a paladin again
**not allowed to play troll paladin ever again
***if i find a loophole to this, i get smacked
*not allowed to go from chaotic evil stupid to loyal good stupid in one session ever again, no matter how touching the original reason (4INT, before you ask. my troll really liked his pixie buddy)
*not allowed to wield a support beam one-handed again
*not allowed to use a reinforced door as a tower shield again
*not allowed to play a pacifist again
*not allowed to play a handyman again ( or engineer, mechanic, electrician...)
*not allowed to play an angel again
*screwing over the dm's arguments due to 3 years law school will be ignored and railroaded through (he made me play a judge)
**not allowed to say "choo-choo"
*** must warn dm next time irl-rules-lawyering happens (we hate the 4th wall)
*not allowed to break the 4th wall so hard ever again (quadruple critical hit happened, table fissured. we were spooked, although you can't prove it was my troll paladin's fault)
*not allowed to survive having a tavern, an armory, a bank, a barrack, a portcullis, and a castle falling on me in the same session. ( separately is on a case by case)
** surviving a catapult exploding is ok, so long as i don't scream "fear the lucky bastard!"
***taunting the dm, getting rocks thrown on me, and surviving that will make the dm cry
****no making the dm cry
*not allowed anything from the monster manual
*especially if it's carnivorous

WHFRP:

Spoiler

Show

*not allowed to reroll a chameleon skink (one is enough)
*said chameleon is banned from the following:
-learning estalian gambling with a diestro
-gambling without knowing how to read or count
-brewing stupid-deadly poisons is industrial quantities
-poisoning a rapier hilt and challenging a loudmouthed noble
-crit'ing so hard with a blowgun i rip off a guy's arm
-crit'ing so hard with a blowgun a guy's arm melts, or blows up
-crit'ing so hard with a blowgun, period (5in a row ulric's fury, if you were wondering)
-defying the laws of probability
-defying the laws of physics
-calling his master anything other than "mama", or his diestro buddy "amigo"
-not allowed to ogle the fire mage, no matter how gorgeous she is (she's a mammal. i am not)
-wall running (again)
-ceiling crawling (again)
-being unkillable (despite having a whopping 11 wounds and 1armor point, and no fate points)

*not allowed to play an invisible blowgun wielding murder machine scout again
*banned anything from lustria
*goes for khemri and the sewers too.
*the chaos realms is in extraordinarily poor tastes, even by my standards
*banned blowguns
*banned rapiers
*not allowed to mourn my diestro amigo for more than 8 irl months (his character got a rhino dropped on him)
*if i ever talk with a bad catalan spanish accent and pepper liberaly spanish profanity ever again, my lizard will be spit roasted on the diestro's rapier and fed to the cathayan chef. twice if necessary.
*banned camouflage
*banned a prehensile tail, and other appendages
*banned amphibian lungs too
*no wagering hams exclusively. especially if it's the same ham from the first session onwards

pathfinder:

Spoiler

Show

*if i derail a campaign with just my character sheet, vetoed
*banned halflings
*banned paladins again
*halfling paladins is frowned upon. giving her a mohawk, a pink tabard, a war pony, and a trident is banned. teaching that pony how to count is insulting the DM
*not allowed to insult the DM
*if it makes me giggle, and gives others glaucoma, vetoed
*dwarf berzerkers need more than just chainmail briefs
*elves are not part of a complete breakfast
*if it can cast magic, i can't have it
*it's summon creatures 3, not "boar-shotgun"
*on badgers:
-not minesweepers on legs
-can't throw 'em on traps
-can't throw 'em on ennemies
-can't throw 'em, period
-can't tie 'em to a broom so i get a 4d4 1d6 polearm
*goes double if it's the druid's familiar
*although innovative and efficient, not allowed to make it rain weasels, it makes the druid weep (banned too)

DnD 3.5ish (some 2.0 mixed in)

Spoiler

Show

*no halfling paladins again
*banned paladins again
*no pink tabards
*if it's the return to the temple of elemental evil, can't carry exclusively blessed blunt weapons and holy water. i must warn the DM first
**it's a masterwork blessed mace of pelor. not a whoopass stick. ghouls can't call it an "ugly stick"
*war ponies don't exist, despite what the rulebook says
*munchkining is frowned upon
*if it fits in a bread box, can't play it
*when playing a dwarven priest of pelor, knowledge (protocol) is useful for RP purposes only.
*spitting holy water on a tied up bad guy as a torture technique is innovative. breaking his elbow before healing him is bad enough. doing both 5 times to get the bad guy to give us info will get me an alignement change without some REAL good rp explanations
**asking the dm if the bad guy suffers, and if so how much, is considered bad taste
*" skill (enhanced interrogation)" does not exist. not allowed to do it, even if my priest lost his marbles in ravenloft and wants out of that universe badly
**even if i heal the bad guy in between sessions
*no, metagaming is not a free action
*although chaotic good, my priest will get odd looks by his brethren by crafting holy symbols and putting them under his skin, despite insisting scourging the flesh is an act of devotion
*if it makes me giggle, can't do it
*orks have feelings too, and even though my dwarven priest knows language (orkoid), i can't scream a tirade of obscenities at the ork jailer again.
**especially if it fills up a full a4 page once i've written it.
***doing so will suspend the gaming session, once the dm stops laughing.
**** "smelling like a daffodil" is not the worst insult in the ork language, but it should be
*banned from the following skills: diplomacy, stonecraft, psychology, profession (mortician), profession (medic), profession (generalist doctor)
*i must have another weapon besides a mace, and the dm doesn't care that i don't like swords.
*it's summon beast 3, not "boar bomb"
** "or boar-shotgun"
*** "badger-gun" is out too
*anything involving weaponizing badgers or wolverines is banned
*it's called "searing light", not "hadoken"
*can't heal with a fist bump, or a brofist for that matter. i must let go of my mace. even if i've got a symbol of pelor under my skin.
*roleplaying a pious character is ok. having him pray whenever the occasion presents itself is pushing it. 5hours straight is really pushing it. praying in 15 minute bursts after every fight gets me dope-slapped
*not allowed to say that the water-elemental priestess with 26CHA is "ok to look at", on account of different beauty standards for dwarves
*not allowed to scorn elves in ork (again)
*racial skill (scorn) does not exist, even for dwarves.
*if it can be described with "cute but cacophonic", vetoed right off
*weaponizing animals is banned.
*halfling monks are not projectiles
*not allowed to use my shield as a surfboard again, and collision damage does not work that way, thankyouverymuch
*when praying, "yo, pelor, wanna tell me what the hell i'm supposed to do now?" is not the appropriate formulation

meta:

Spoiler

Show

*not allowed to write up character sheet descriptions like this again

race: 1st place
class: tons of it
sex: yes please
eyes: yes
hair: that too
skin: please
*not allowed to be so damn lucky
*not allowed to use the dm's lucky dice
**or mine, especially if they're pink
*no, a standard wager is not a ham
*making the dm cry, weep, rofl, or throw things at me is not a good idea
*getting knocked out by the dm's chokehold will not let me play a pink halfling paladin no matter how much i want him to apologize.
**i will accept the +5 mace, and it can't talk, so i can't call it "lilarcor"

sorry for the wall of text, and once again, all this really happened

[Lord_Gareth]

*Any proposal I make that involves the words 'ascension sequence' is banned with no further questions.

[vasharanpaladin]

*Playing a Warforged does not give me the right to make a joke character.
**Soulknives may not use the "Mind Weapon" power to produce drills from nowhere.
***Even if PathFinder's Soulknives' Throw Two-Handed, Wing Clip, Powerful Charge, and Exploding Critical would be exactly like Giga Drill Breaker.
****Psionics are not powered by "Spiral Energy"
*****My Warforged may not be a monk accompanying a human he claims is his brother wearing a red cloak.
******No Warforged. Ever.

Wow. Your DM is either an utter **** or... wait, no, there isn't another valid explanation.

[Arbane]

* My Martial Artist character cannot learn Gangnam Style.

[toapat]

* My Martial Artist character cannot learn Gangnam Style.

**But a Wizard can, its an 8th level spell

[Deathkeeper]

Wow. Your DM is either an utter **** or... wait, no, there isn't another valid explanation.

Actually, this is a self-imposed ban to keep my sessions from devolving into nothing but comedic relief. So far I've been very good at derailing my GMs' tone in my RL games into comedy. And the first time it was just with a pseudodragon.

[The Pressman]

*I may no longer destroy my enemies by lighting on fire the flour-dust-cloud trap they just set off.
**Nor may I then kill the rest by beating them with a still-living dire weasel
***And then kill that weasel by the action of using it to beat them.

[DigoDragon]

More "banned" Shadowrun actions-

• Do not antagonize Knight Errant by throwing donuts during a car-shase sequence.
• No longer allowed to reenact the bigrig trailer fight sequence from Matrix 2.
• The adept is no longer allowed to use his motorbike as an improvised weapon.
• The back seat of the SUV is not a place for a gunfight. Especially if you were driving!
• If my expectation is to end the car-chase sequence with an intact car, I am no longer allowed to let the shaman drive.

[Guizonde]

*I may no longer destroy my enemies by lighting on fire the flour-dust-cloud trap they just set off.

although not mine, my friend's caster isn't allowed that either. he isn't allowed:
*chain lightning synergies with the cleric summoning gallons of holy water.
*chain lightning synergies with fog
*chain lightning synergies with rain
*chain lightning is banned


in a totally unrelated incident (yeah, right):

*i've lost my summon water privileges
*i've lost my bless water privileges (holy fog and holy rain in ravenloft make the setting cry)
*unless playing a water elemental, i can't use water offensively ever again
**defensively is frowned upon if i'm a dwarf
***can't substitute ale as a loophole

[Moonwolf727]

To avoid harming the sanity of the DM I can no longer:

* Cast flesh to stone on a annoying Druid
** Cast Rock to mud on a Druid statue
*** Scoop mud into little ceramic pots
**** Plant tree's in individual ceramic pots
***** Claim that I have helped them become one with nature

[Erik Vale]

To avoid harming the sanity of the DM I can no longer:

* Cast flesh to stone on a annoying Druid
** Cast Rock to mud on a Druid statue
*** Scoop mud into little ceramic pots
**** Plant tree's in individual ceramic pots
***** Claim that I have helped them become one with nature

That, that would so fly with me. Can I sig this?

[ActionReplay]

From a custom nuclear apocalypse campaign: Duck and Cover.

*Even if I do roll high enough to break the handcuffs, my 60 year old survivalist isn't ripping through steel.
**Painting the creation of adam in mustard on the back of a doublewide trailer does not add to my charisma rolls to befriend my new neighbours.
***Nor does blasting Lynyrd Skynyrd at full volume.
****While aiming a gun from beneath a pile of lawn gnomes is acceptable, aiming from beneath a pile of cds is not.
*****No matter how well I roll, the police coming to arrest us on false charges won't be fooled by hiding under a massive pile of Garth Brooks cds.
******Even if I shoot out the cop's tires in the car chase it won't save us from the driver's rolls.

Edit: This is all from one session.

[Moonwolf727]

That, that would so fly with me. Can I sig this?

Sorry it took me a while to reply, yes of course you can.