Things I May No Longer Do While Playing IV: The Decanter of Endless Bad Ideas

[Jormengand]

- I may no longer use a combination of feats, special materials and extra arms to wield a bastard sword with a damage die seven size categories larger than normal.

[Sith_Happens]

** Xykon ("There are other spells than Energy Drain!")

"You mean like Meteor Swarm?"

[LordSeabass]

It is highly discouraged for me to play CN barbarians

*especially neanderthal barbarians
** especially if me and the dm are having a giggle fest during character creation
*** he may not be introduced by being frozen in a block of ice
**** i may not make the caveman from Scooby Doo
***** I may not make the Miner49er for a Fallout campaign
****** I may not make scooby doo villians my characters

******* or insane half orc tourguides

******** it is a bad idea to try to feign death mid battle for 2 rounds while the rest of my party dies
********* especially if it is not working
********** i miss Olaf

[A Lawless Lad]

It is highly discouraged for me to play CN barbarians

*especially neanderthal barbarians
** especially if me and the dm are having a giggle fest during character creation
*** he may not be introduced by being frozen in a block of ice
**** i may not make the caveman from Scooby Doo
***** I may not make the Miner49er for a Fallout campaign
****** I may not make scooby doo villians my characters

******* or insane half orc tourguides

******** it is a bad idea to try to feign death mid battle for 2 rounds while the rest of my party dies
********* especially if it is not working
********** i miss Olaf

God damn it. XD

[Man on Fire]

I may not make scooby doo villians my character

** I cannot have parrot who speaks german as my familiar
** I cannot play Vincent Van Ghoul
** Any character that reminds gm of Scrappy Doo is vetoed
*** Same for Scooby Dumb
**** What the hell even is Yaba Doo?
** Cannot convince two other players to play a party of ghosts called The Boo Brothers
** Cannot convince entire party to play daughters of Hammer Horror monsters
*** Or Dracula, his ditzy girlfriend and his two hunchbanck servants
*** There is no way gm is going to allow us play all-female party of rocking goth bards called Hex Girls
**** Adding one guy and pink-loving manager and changing the name to Marceline and the Screaming Queens won't help.
** Cannot harass some guy by claiming he's responsible for every crime we see, before being proven wrong.
** Cannot put all my ranks in Craft (traps)
*** my character does not have monthly subscribtion to Traps Illustrated
*** Cannot have a father that would make Gendo Ikari look like dad of the year.
**** Even if we're playing Adeptus Elegy Evangelion
***** Cannot have a pilot who makes others lead Angels into elaborated, city-sized traps
****** Scooby-Doo gang is not vaild concept for Ad Eva game.

* When gm allowed me to play Fred Flinstone, he didn't mean the one from "Jaba Daba Don".
** Cannot base my Shadowrun campaing plot on "The Man called Flinstone".

[Slipperychicken]

It'd be just like Game of Thrones but with jazz hands MAGIC jazz hands!

Massive Game of Thrones spoilers:

Spoiler

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Doesn't the setting already have plenty of magic?

I've been watching the TV show, up to the episode where the fire-immune dragonborn woman defeats the warlock in his tower. Seems pretty magical to me, what with all the zombies, dragons, illusions, and general sorcery.

Sidetrack: If the dragonborn's hair is also immune to fire, couldn't someone fashion a fireproof suit out of it?

*Daenerys Targaryen does not slay dragons. She does the exact opposite.
**She doesn't wear a horned helmet either.
***Her draconic ancestry does NOT manifest in the form of Dragon Shouts.
****For the last time, she isn't the Dovahkiin!

[unseenmage]

Doesn't the setting already have plenty of magic?

Probably.
But I bet it doesn't have Jazz. Just sayin'.

[Ksheep]

* Even if the Paladin is being Lawful Stupid, I may not say "***** the Paladin and the horse he rode in on".
** Especially if I just cast suggestion on an NPC.
*** Goes double if I successfully cast suggestion on a dragon.

[DigoDragon]

No longer allowed to let the barbarian feed the BBEG's pet monster.

Not allowed to talk smack about the barbarian when his date is within ear shot.

The barbarian is not allowed to impersonate the Kool-Aid man.

[Ionbound]

*I am no longer allowed to use perfectly legitimate class features to make a laser rifle.

**I am no longer allowed to play Machinesmith

***I am no longer allowed to take crafting feats

****I am no longer allowed to craft items under any circumstance

[Slipperychicken]

The barbarian is not allowed to impersonate the Kool-Aid man.

*If a character can make the check to burst through a wall or door, he is morally obligated to do so while screaming "OH YEAH!!"

**Refusal to do this for any reason is a Lawful Boring act, and will cause any chaotic otherwise-awesome character to lose his class features until he atones.

[Man on Fire]

*If a character can make the check to burst through a wall or door, he is morally obligated to do so while screaming "OH YEAH!!"

**Refusal to do this for any reason is a Lawful Boring act, and will cause any chaotic otherwise-awesome character to lose his class features until he atones.

*** The only exception to that is if immiediatelly after bursting through the wall or door, the character will hand a wiener to the nearest person and yell "TASTE SOME SLIM JIM!"

[Zahhak]

I'm probably going to miss this thread rolling over.

Sad panda.

[eulmanis12]

*If a vampire has successfully convicned half the town to turn traitor, my response should be to stab him, not to call in the Military Governer and her retinue of the Medeval Delta Force then watch as she curb stomps him

* I am permitted to hire an assassin, I may not use diplomacy to convince him two silver is fair pay for a successful hit

* after being raised I should not try to befriend the sentient undead that killed me an ate my brain

* Killing an enemy and feeding the body to demons should probably result in me having an evil alignment, even if the demons were accidental

* packs of velocoraptors are the hunters, not the prey, I should remember this

* If the enemy is a greater demon with an army of mind-controlled velocoraptors, I may safely assume that the standard response of " I poke him with my sword" will not suffice
**may not complain when his response is to laugh at, then flatten me
*** In this situation it is acceptable for my 3rd level dwarven fighter, and the 1st level human rogue with him to run away very quickly, while screaming

****all of the above were from the same session

[Esprit15]

PTTA

* I may not teach Gardevoir (either gender) Attract.
** Attract does not work on humans when used by a Pokémon.
*** No, it is not "okay" if it is used by a Zubat instead.
**** No, Zubat doesn't sparkle when it uses Attract.
** Attract does not work on Pokémon when used by a human.
*** TM45 is to remain out of my hands, as are Pokémon who have had it used on them.

[DigoDragon]

• No longer allowed to design frictionless silk pjamas for the (now late) king.
  
• No longer allowed to use sliding patio doors as improvised weapons.
  
• The pony is no longer allowed access to her master's spellbook.
  
• No longer allowed to start up a betting pool on how long the wizard lasts before he hurls from sea-sickness.
  
• No longer allowed to give cotton balls to the wizard for his sea-sickness if they're laced with a contact sleep poison. ...even if the wizard is better off that way.

[marcielle]

May not try to invoke a Kraken on dry land
*If party somehow manages to invoke a Kraken on dry land, we do not get xp for it's eventual death by dehydration
**Not even if we stab it before it dies
***Especially not if we are level 3
****May not complain when Kraken's hormonally-fueled enraged mother appears to take revenge

[Sgt. Cookie]

*If we are playing D&D set in the modern world, I cannot have a Jimi Hendrix as a Cohort, ressurected or otherwise.
**Nor can I raise the other two Beatles
***If I ignore my DM and do this anyway, I can only do it for the Bardic stuff, not to make obscene amounts of money.

[Slipperychicken]

***If I ignore my DM and do this anyway, I can only do it for the Bardic stuff, not to make obscene amounts of money.

****Insisting that making obscene amounts of money is not "Bardic stuff" is heresy, and indicative of a complete ignorance of the Bard's playstyle.

*****Seriously, the Bard exists to remind D&D players that social skills are often much more valuable than violence skills.

[Doxkid]

*I may not undercut the backstory of several other PCs by offering quasi-Free Cloning services, essentially providing Greater Resurrections for a fraction of the normal cost.

[Swaoeaeieu]

- I may no longer use a combination of feats, special materials and extra arms to wield a bastard sword with a damage die seven size categories larger than normal.

seven?! How? do explain good sir.

*During combat on the airship, i may no longer activate a no magic zone. that's how ships crash...

[Jormengand]

seven?! How? do explain good sir.

*During combat on the airship, i may no longer activate a no magic zone. that's how ships crash...

There are races (admittedly, no WotC or Paizo ones, I believe) which are large creatures (so +1 size (large) already) with four arms, although my preferred method is to convince the DM that Mechanical Warrior is really excellent homebrew and should be allowed. This allows me to wield a weapon 3 categories higher than large (Colossal). I then take Lighten Weapon and Improved Lighten weapon (in PF) or equivalent Monkey's Grips (In 3.X), which add on another one (So I am essentially using a 0-handed weapon 4-handed) meaning that I have +5 categories above normal (Enormous). That's as big as it gets, but don't rush out to buy your Enormous-sized greatsword, because it has to be made out of greensteel. You then have your person enlarged so you are wielding an Immense weapon which deals damage as though it were behemothic. If you use homebrew spells which increase you by up to 4 categories rather than just one, then you become an enormous creature with a mountainous weapon which deals damage as though it were vast.

I may never, ever, EVER do this. I am hereby disallowed from the use of a vast bastard sword.

[Afool]

If you use homebrew spells which increase you by up to 4 categories rather than just one, then you become an enormous creature with a mountainous weapon which deals damage as though it were vast.

I may never, ever, EVER do this. I am hereby disallowed from the use of a vast bastard sword.

I'd love to see what you'd do with a Wu-jen.

[Jormengand]

I'd love to see what you'd do with a Wu-jen.

A what now?

[Swaoeaeieu]

There are races (admittedly, no WotC or Paizo ones, I believe) which are large creatures (so +1 size (large) already) with four arms, although my preferred method is to convince the DM that Mechanical Warrior is really excellent homebrew and should be allowed. This allows me to wield a weapon 3 categories higher than large (Colossal). I then take Lighten Weapon and Improved Lighten weapon (in PF) or equivalent Monkey's Grips (In 3.X), which add on another one (So I am essentially using a 0-handed weapon 4-handed) meaning that I have +5 categories above normal (Enormous). That's as big as it gets, but don't rush out to buy your Enormous-sized greatsword, because it has to be made out of greensteel. You then have your person enlarged so you are wielding an Immense weapon which deals damage as though it were behemothic. If you use homebrew spells which increase you by up to 4 categories rather than just one, then you become an enormous creature with a mountainous weapon which deals damage as though it were vast.

I may never, ever, EVER do this. I am hereby disallowed from the use of a vast bastard sword.

Oh i see, i read the original wrong, i thought you meant wielding a weapon 7 sizes larger then you are. but increasing you own size makes the weapon bigger then normal. still a cool combo.

[Jormengand]

still a cool combo.

Oh, not so fast. You can be turned into a creature which is already Gargantuan (with 4 hands, still), which means you can wield a Titanic weapon which counts as Monumental.

[Afool]

A what now?

A Wu-Jen . Originally released in Oriental Adventures, the class was minimally updated in Complete Arcane. An oft use of the Wu-Jen is certain gish builds for their spell Giant Size .

It allows you to grow to Huge Size or larger based on your caster level (1st–15th Huge;16th–18th Gargantuan;19th or higher Colossal) with a casting time of 1 round and a duration of 1 minute. (Keep in mind the range of Personal)

*Edit; Now let's see what it would cost to get it as an item;
*Scrounges up DMG*

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Ok so 7*13*2000=182,000gp for Giant Size (Huge) Continuous Item
7*13*25=2,275gp for a Scroll of the same

7*16*2000=224,000gp for Gargantuan
7*16*25=2,800gp for the Scroll

7*19*2000=266,000gp for Colossal
7*19*25=3,325gp for the Scroll

[Jormengand]

A Wu-Jen . Originally released in Oriental Adventures, the class was minimally updated in Complete Arcane. An oft use of the Wu-Jen is certain gish builds for their spell Giant Size .

It allows you to grow to Huge Size or larger based on your caster level (1st–15th Huge;16th–18th Gargantuan;19th or higher Colossal) with a casting time of 1 round and a duration of 1 minute. (Keep in mind the range of Personal)

*Edit; Now let's see what it would cost to get it as an item;
*Scrounges up DMG*

Spoiler

Show

Ok so 7*13*2000=182,000gp for Giant Size (Huge) Continuous Item
7*13*25=2,275gp for a Scroll of the same

7*16*2000=224,000gp for Gargantuan
7*16*25=2,800gp for the Scroll

7*19*2000=266,000gp for Colossal
7*19*25=3,325gp for the Scroll

Eh... would that stack with larger versions of enlarge person? I don't think it would.

[DigoDragon]

• I may no longer attend the late king's funeral, only to start a heated argument with the widow'd queen over who has the bigger measurements. The wizard is not allowed to make popcorn to watch this.
• I may no longer refer to the late king's son as "The King Formally Known as Prince." Especially when he's in the room.
• Not allowed to hit on my wife's rogue character when she's secretly playing an assassin (Well, I didn't die...)
• Not allowed to pay the court bard to write me an epic based on how the PC who started the fight in the first point got his butt curb stomped by an unarmed queen.

[Alabenson]

* When it is suggested that the party return the large sum of money we've found to its rightful owner, I am required to at least attempt to keep from laughing.

The following all came from the same White Wolf Campaign
* Carl from Aqua Teen Hunger Force is not an acceptable character concept.
* There are many excellent characters in media that my Promethean can emulate. Bender Bending Rodriguez is not one of them.
* I may never again play a werewolf with maximum strength and Legendary Arm.
* From now on, before I fire an RPG at a van, I an required to make sure that it is not being driven by another member of the party (this one wasn't me).
* I am no longer allowed to bring RPGs on missions that are explicitly described as "stealth" missions. Particularly if they mainly take place indoors(again, not me).