Relationship Woes and Advice 23: Answer Unclear, Try Again

[Lord Loss]

I have a rather complex and potentially not board-appropriate relationship issue. Does somebody have an open PM box?

I do! tencharacters

[Serpentine]

Sholos, I would be interested in having a look at your profile, and could give you some feedback if you're up to receiving some brutally honest critique.

[Glass Mouse]

Ditto. Just PM (or post) a link, if you're interested

[Dvil]

So I made myself an OKCupid account about 2 weeks ago, and I've had some pretty positive results. I've sent messages to about 4 or 5 women, and heard nothing back. On the other hand, I've had two separate people initiate conversations with me, and they're still talking now. Overall, I count that as a success.
Just wanted to boast a bit, I guess

[Coidzor]

So I made myself an OKCupid account about 2 weeks ago, and I've had some pretty positive results. I've sent messages to about 4 or 5 women, and heard nothing back. On the other hand, I've had two separate people initiate conversations with me, and they're still talking now. Overall, I count that as a success.
Just wanted to boast a bit, I guess

Indeed, considering the usual reply rate is closer to one in thirty than one in five. Ahead of the average for having 2 convos still going after only 2 weeks though, IIRC anyway... So, I hope things continue to work out pretty well for you and proceed apace.

[Form]

For my OkCupid profile I've settled for English. I'll just pass it off as a personal quirk and it'll probably help filter out women I wouldn't be interested in anyway. I can always rewrite it at a later time anyway.

On that note, I need someone to have a look at it. It seems more or less alright to me, but also still feels a bit bland. Maybe I should expand it a bit too, but I'm not really sure what to add and how.

Also, it still feels a little weird. I'm not really used to exposing myself to the public like that.

[Morph Bark]

It's better than streaking through the city during the day, though.

[Glass Mouse]

Form: I'll look at it, if you'd like

[Jib]

My Girlfriend is joining the Military, I'm proud, but QQ.

Just wanted to say it somewhere, carry on.

[Coidzor]

My Girlfriend is joining the Military, I'm proud, but QQ.

Just wanted to say it somewhere, carry on.

Wait, are you crying or breaking up because of it?

[Jib]

Just Crying, No Breaking ups.

~She is going to use me to keep Lesbians off of her~

Women aren't at as much risk as men in the military are they?

[Coidzor]

Just Crying, No Breaking ups.

~She is going to use me to keep Lesbians off of her~

Women aren't at as much risk as men in the military are they?

Depends on what kind of risk you're asking about, really.

[Jib]

Injury, not worried about the other ideas to much. I trust her :D. She wants to be a Tank Mechanic, so that should be away from the fighting right?

[Arranis Thelmos]

She'll probably be okay, even if she's in a warzone. Where is she serving? She may not even be deployed to a war zone, just stay stateside.

[Morph Bark]

She'll probably be okay, even if she's in a warzone.

Unless you live in Africa.

[Arranis Thelmos]

... Doh. Didn't think of that. Where are you from?

[Jib]

Eastern WA, she is going to Boot Camp in Georgia I think. I just hope she gets stationed somewhere like Texas instead of getting deployed :D

[Arranis Thelmos]

I probably wouldn't worry then.

[Jib]

Thanks, I just kinda wanted to talk about it, but I don't want her to know I am to worried because she is already really nervous about it all. Not that she is worried about Military service, just that she has never really been away from home like this.

[Coidzor]

Well, it's better to be open to one another about concerns with an LDR rather than bottling them up. Simply voicing one's worries can help a lot with telling whether they're valid concerns or something that dissipates in the light of day.

[Jib]

The LDR part does kinda worry me in some ways, mainly because I am weak when it comes to reaching out to people. And I really don't want her her to change to much while she is gone and not want to come back to me (Though I am just as happy to go to her, more of a metaphor there). Or for that matter I don't want to change to much before she comes back. And I don't care how much training one of those guys have, I'd kill them if they don't respect her no's. I am also worried about the numbers of guys on those bases, I know that 99.9 percent of those guys have to be good, but it would only take one to touch her wrong. I'm not the kind of person who would do good in prison, assuming I could find the guy.

She is also really nervous about being away from home without her sister. She is a twin so they literally have never been apart for more than a few days.

Another entire problem is that I am in the beginning stages of converting to Judaism, which means you can not marry a non Jew (Or not supposed to). She is Torah Abiding gentile, and she said if I am Jewish that she would not let me disrespect part of my religion by marrying her. So either I don't convert at all, or I have to convince her to convert.

I think I need to talk to her more still.

I am also worried I wont be able to get myself set up to start a family. I need a good job, right now I have work, but nothing that can take care of children or a wife. I honestly would much rather have the kind of work that allows her to stay with the children because me and her would want to see them Home Schooled. I want to put her up in a nice home, I want to be able to give her everything. I have an artificial knee, so most heavy jobs are out of the question, and I still get messed around with by the doctors ten years down the line. Then there is the worry of the medication. I am no Addict, but I can't function without the painkillers. No sleep, no work, no moving for that matter. While I don't feel like they affect my person, other than making me much more bearable by putting the pain down, would I make an Okay father, or husband. Can I have a home in four years for her? I am smart, but because of the doctors and surgeries, I haven't managed to get very far in college yet. Neither do I have the money to get very far. ****, it wasn't only three years ago I wanted to make out with a shotgun. I am really worried I won't be worth coming home to.

[THAC0]

Eastern WA, she is going to Boot Camp in Georgia I think. I just hope she gets stationed somewhere like Texas instead of getting deployed :D

The two are not mutually exclusive. How it usually works is the service member gets stationed in a place. From there, they may or may not deploy depending on their job. For example, my husband career field deploys roughly 6 months out of every twelve. So I move with him when he gets stationed wherever, and then he leaves me there while he goes on his deployments.

It's not so bad after the first time, but that said, there is a lot more support out there for spouses than for significant others. Things just being what they are. I have been there done that though, and so have some others on this forum. With that aspect, at least, I can offer advice and reassurance.

[Jib]

For now we most likely will not get married until she is done with her service. I think military would make a great career, even if I have lots of worries about it. If she decides to go career with it I will start following her, and we would get married at that point. She really doesn't want to have children while moving around though. I have a long time to hammer these things out, I rant here mainly because I feel kinda bad loading the people around me up, life is pretty hard for everyone right now~

[Glass Mouse]

@Jib

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Talk to her about these things. Avoid the "I'm freaking out, fix it now!" route (not that I think you'd do that, you seem really considerate), but if you can put it in terms of "I need to know how we handle X. Can we talk about that and figure something out?", that would probably not put so much strain on her. Sure, it's still things to proces and think about, but she'll want to work out those things too. And she'll appreciate if you've done a little groundwork in the thinking about it, so she doesn't feel like she should figure everything out on her own.

Everyone else have said excellent things, so I'm just gonna touch on some of the things no one else mentioned.

And I don't care how much training one of those guys have, I'd kill them if they don't respect her no's. I am also worried about the numbers of guys on those bases, I know that 99.9 percent of those guys have to be good, but it would only take one to touch her wrong. I'm not the kind of person who would do good in prison, assuming I could find the guy.

This isn't the meat of the issue, but...

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I know you mean well, and your heart is in the right place, but please-please-please put that atitude away. I've read too many stories about women who were raped and didn't tell their SO/spouse/family because they didn't want them hurt or in prison, leading to a lot of bottled-up hurt.
IF something happens (and I'm not saying it does, I have no experience with the military and no way to tell), your job is to do what she needs you to do. Which may or may not include an assault, but that's up to her (and frankly, if she tells you to go to jail for you, I'd reevaluate the relationship). She'll probably need support much more than revenge.

If she's the one freaking out about it, tell her that whatever happens you've got her back. Don't spout violent things (for the aforementioned reason, and because anger and fear can just work up each other).

I think I need to talk to her more still.

Absolutely. Listen to Coidzor. You should talk about religion, about your fears, about specific ways to manage an LDR, about her fears, about the future... about most things you've written here, really.

Not that you shouldn't rant if you need to get your thoughts in order. That's (partly) why this thread is here

I am also worried I wont be able to get myself set up to start a family. (...) I am really worried I won't be worth coming home to.

Thankfully, love doesn't care about things like that. If she hasn't cared in the past three years, chances are she won't now

Question, though: If she's the one with a potential career in front of her, why not entertain the idea of you being the stay-at-home parent? It may not work for you for whatever reason, but as things stand now, it at least sounds worth considering.

All in all: You'll do fine, Jib. You and your girlfriend need to have some good long talks, and LDRs do take a lot of work, but if you're both willing to work for it and believe in the relationship, I wouldn't be worried

[rogueboy]

Another entire problem is that I am in the beginning stages of converting to Judaism, which means you can not marry a non Jew (Or not supposed to). She is Torah Abiding gentile, and she said if I am Jewish that she would not let me disrespect part of my religion by marrying her. So either I don't convert at all, or I have to convince her to convert.

What "level" (reform, conservative, orthodox, etc) are you converting to? I know that at the orthodox level, marrying a non-Jew would be a problem, and it's highly frowned upon (at best) at the conservative level, but I know that at the reform level, it's not considered a barrier. It may be preferable (to some) to marry another Jew, but it's not one of the things that reform Jews get up in arms about (there isn't much that falls into that category, really). I'm speaking from the personal experience that comes from growing up in a reform household, with families in our chavurah that ranged from both parents being Jewish, to one Jewish and one non-practicing, to one Jewish and one Christian parent. None were frowned upon at any level I saw (from a very young age until late teens, when the entire chavurah became less active and my parents stopped being members of the synagogue).

If you're having concerns like this, you should talk to your rabbi. If you'd been in the Seattle area, I could give you the name of the reform rabbi of the synagogue I grew up with, but Eastern WA probably means that wouldn't be of great use, except possibly to get a name of someone closer to you. Let me know if you want the contact anyway.

I think I need to talk to her more still.

As others have said, do this. Be on the same page, or at least make sure your concerns are known (to a reasonable degree, as Mouse said).



For myself, I'm continuing the OKC thing (and looking for more direct options, but limited time with grad school makes that hard), but am starting to wonder if I should put the whole thing on hold for the next 5-6 months. I'm looking at finishing up my master's by the end of the semester (beginning of May) or early summer, at which point I'm looking to move across the country (back to the Seattle area, or San Francisco if I can't get a job around Seattle). At the same time, I'm starting to realize that a relationship is something I want more than I've let myself believe previously (it's always been "nice if it happens, but not necessary," but it's definitely in the "something I want" category now). OKC is also now giving me very poor matches (and taking a while to find them), so I'm starting to wonder if it would make more sense to "pre-move" on there and start looking forward with the OKC approach.

Related: if anyone's willing to look at my OKC profile and give me feedback, it'd be appreciated. I know people have done this a while back, but I'm fairly certain I've rewritten everything on my profile since then.

[Jib]

Thank you Glass Mouse, your probably right about the violence part too, and I had never thought about her Bottling things because I might act like that. I don't think she would want me to go to prison, she tends to be the kind of person to take the High Road, even if others wrong you.

I also do entertain the idea of being a Stay at Home dad, if she does go career with the military that is the route I would most likely take because of how hard the moving can be on children, and because I am a Castle kind of guy. Not that I have a problem with being away from home, but I much prefer my home to other places, and I really love kids. She wants two, I want thirteen, she will most likely win that one :D. Besides, we will be doing home-schooling, so one of us has to be at home. I would still be able to do a work from home option in this scenario to help the family out, I am working towards becoming a lawyer, and I could most likely find something that would give me the option to work from home, if not have very flexible hours. Money is far behind the family in importance.

Rougeboy Orthodox is what I always thought of before I met her. After I met her I would be willing to change that Idea for the sake of the marriage. And I would be thankful to have the Rabbi's contact information, I understand there is a great deal I need to learn before even thinking of starting my conversion, but talking to a teacher would be a good way of getting what I need to learn straightened out. I live pretty far out in the sticks, and have yet to find a Rabbi around here to talk with. The closest I have found is actually her Father and Mother, who are very well versed in Theology. I spend Saturdays with them for bible studies every week.

Thank you very much guys. I'm kinda shy in real life, and its a lot easier for me to talk over the net than in real.

[rogueboy]

Rougeboy Orthodox is what I always thought of before I met her. After I met her I would be willing to change that Idea for the sake of the marriage. And I would be thankful to have the Rabbi's contact information, I understand there is a great deal I need to learn before even thinking of starting my conversion, but talking to a teacher would be a good way of getting what I need to learn straightened out. I live pretty far out in the sticks, and have yet to find a Rabbi around here to talk with. The closest I have found is actually her Father and Mother, who are very well versed in Theology. I spend Saturdays with them for bible studies every week.

I'll PM you the contact info, along with a few other comments.
edit: sent!

[Glass Mouse]

Very long rant, just to get my thoughts out somewhere.

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I saw my... (wow this word is hard to use) ex yesterday. It was really nice to hang out and watch a movie and talk a few things through. We've taken a HUGE step away from each other, contacting/seeing each other only twice in the past month, and that's good for both of us. But we've agreed to check in from time to time, and it's generally nice.

But holy hell, it was hard. He still loves me a lot, and he's still hoping that I'll change my mind. I'm very clear in my communication with him ("It is over, for good, sorry"), but on the inside I'm so confused. I know it's normal to be confused, but wow do I miss him. I miss being loved, I miss the safety and comfort of his company, I hate watching him hurt.
I'm still 90% sure that we can have all that with a future friendship (though no guarantees that we'll end there). And I'm 100% sure that our SO relationship didn't make me happy.

But all the "what if" thoughts are getting strong. He's insisting that he didn't know how serious the problems were, and he'd have liked a second chance. I know I made things clear ("I'm not sure it's gonna keep being 'us' - I need us to X and maybe Y to try to fix things" is pretty clear, isn't it?), but still... Being broken up - and taking that step back - makes me see all the things we didn't try, and all the things none of us mustered the enthusiasm to do. They're pretty much the same things I saw while we were still together, but they suddenly seem very surmountable.

Even when we broke up, I knew that we may get together again one day. A lot of things were good, and we both have much affection for each other, but... Right now, we are Not Good for each other. I wasn't happy, and frankly, neither did he seem to be (he agrees on this, but still thinks things were fixable). We weren't Bad, just... we really weren't the best versions of ourselves.
I still think it's possible that we can evolve into people who can be together one day. Not likely - if I believed it likely, we wouldn't be broken up now. But not impossible either.

I don't know. It's just... I don't know.

It really spirals into my discovery that I have almost no friends I can see regularly, no real friend groups to be a part of, etc. I have a few wonderful people in my life, but we see each other rarely.
I just feel lonely, and on shaky ground, and that probably contributes to the confusion.

But it's still confusing, and hurtful, and I wish it was already six months from now, so things could be settled.

This would really be so much easier if he wasn't such a great person in so many ways.

Sorry. I just needed to vent. This is probably the best a breakup can be, I know that. These seem like such luxury problems, but... yeah, I kinda just need to get it out somewhere so I won't go crazy.

[Serpentine]

we really weren't the best versions of ourselves.

I think that's a crucially important thing to acknowledge and to remember. A good relationship makes both the people involved better. You can have two of the most wonderful people in the world, and then when you put them together they start dragging each other down, hitting buttons and emphasising the worse aspects - and it's no one's fault, it's just a quirk of personalities. It's just not a good idea for them to be together.
So I think, if you're really conflicted about it, that's something you should think very hard about: you get together, you work out those problems to at least a tolerable degree, you communicate better... but will you be the best versions of yourselves?

[Jib]

I wish I had something I could say to make you feel better, or clear the confusion Glass. I am really bad with this stuff usually, so all I can offer is *Hugs*. Stay strong and stand behind your words.