Relationship Woes and Advice 23: Answer Unclear, Try Again

[Coidzor]

Re:Phallicwarrior:

Personally, I'd say you should ask her out. You're into her, you think she's into you, and you know for a fact she's not into the other guy (Sorry, I forgot the names). Yes, he'll be hurt, but that's a part of life and he'll have to deal with it, same as anyone else. Your desire to spare his feelings should be outweighed by the desire to be true to your own.

Agreed. Feelings change and it's not like you're going after his ex-fiance a mere few weeks after they broke things off.

Any advice?

Have you spoken to a professional?

[GFawkes]

Thought I'd give an update on my situation:

My parents haven't restricted access to the internet/computer after 24 hours, though there's still a chance they will. I'm feeling much better internally, and have scheduled a meeting with me, my parents, and a psychologist. To prevent them from getting me sidetracked, I'm going to be bringing a list of things I want to bring up with them. My dad and I managed to hold a 5 minute conversation without taking shots at each other, though it's possible I just missed them.

[Nai_Calus]

Argh. I'm having issues right now. I guess this counts as relationships? I don't know?

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So, there's this guy I know via internet and meeting him a couple of times at Gen Con. Well, last year there were some issues where things went bad with something we were both in and then I went into scramble try-to-fix-things mode, but at one point got a little too fix-y and he thought I was trying to hit on him and having a crush on him and it creeped him out and he avoided me online for a bit because he thought it was something it wasn't. Well, I assured him it wasn't, because it wasn't, stuff eventually did get patched up, great.

Well, then Gen Con came and I spent some time hanging out with him again. And well. My brain is stupid, but I shoved it aside because he's not gay and I'm FTM trans and he was married and he lives in another state. But it keeps poking at my brain and growing. And I feel horrible about it. Especially after his marriage fell apart. Because I feel awful for him about it and it really ripped him up, but those stupid feelings keep coming back and I feel guilty about it. And after the way he reacted the first time he thought I had those feelings I'm terrified every time I say something nice or comment on something he does that he'll figure it out and not want anything to do with me again.

I mean, I'm never going to try to seriously pursue anything with that, it's just one of those harmless little crushes you have sometimes that don't really mean anything other than 'I think x is a cool guy and he's cute too, sigh'. But I keep worrying about how he'll take it if he finds out. I really don't want to hurt him worse than he's already been hurt and I keep being afraid to say things, or freaking out after I say something.

I dunno what to do. Try to avoid anything that could remotely be construed that way? Just admit to it and be out with it and hope for the best? Something else? Gah. Emotions, you're terrible and you suck.

[Morph Bark]

@Nai: Do you only ever meet this guy at Gen Con?


Also, for all those with an OKCupid account, I just found this that you might find fun to use. It's funny enough to me that I considered making an account. Which... is probably for all the wrong reasons.

[Serpentine]

That's just plain eerie... Although I do note that they don't get anything they couldn't have gotten from the side-bar info.

[Sholos]

All my best relationships either came to me when I wasn't looking or from a location I wasn't looking in. Try relaxing and enjoying the experience of being with people you enjoy the company of. Don't go looking for a potential partner, just get out there, keep an open mind, and let go for a while. Ms. Perfect may not land in your lap right away, but at least you'll have fun while not looking.

Head out to the scenes that you enjoy the most, but allow for a certain degree of sociality. Loud, booty-grinding clubs aren't really good for that kind of thing. You'll meet plenty of people who want to get wasted and hook up for a night, but that's about all you can hope for. Go some place where there are breaks in the music, or no loud music at all and (at least at first) always go with friends.

Personal Example:

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For me, it was swing dancing clubs and karaoke bars. I went out with my friends 3 or more times per week and had a blast. When one of my friends tried to explain to me that several of the girls were trying to dance with me, I confessed that I didn't know how to dance; I was just here for the music. So, he introduced me to a dance instructor whose daughter, as fate would have it, was interested in learning how to dance as well. The daughter and I became fast friends and eventually more. Now, she is my beloved wife and mother of my 2 year old son, and I can't imagine being happy without her.

What would you suggest for a schedule that doesn't really allow going out, especially not at night? I'm lucky if I see some (read: most) of my friends twice a month or so.

[Glass Mouse]

This... doesn't really contribute to the discussion, but that man is rad. The way he brings his message and his understanding are great.

Absolutely! I discovered him just after my own breakup, and I went through eight years of column in a few weeks. He really challenged and changed some of my preconceptions about relationships

Well, no, not exactly. I am physically attracted to men. I enjoy masturbation. I just don't enjoy sex for reasons I probably shouldn't get into. I'm also male, so if that label were accurate it would be homoromantic.

Ah. Not in the dictionary, then. Sorry for assuming things.

Argh. I'm having issues right now. I guess this counts as relationships? I don't know?

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So, there's this guy I know via internet and meeting him a couple of times at Gen Con. Well, last year there were some issues where things went bad with something we were both in and then I went into scramble try-to-fix-things mode, but at one point got a little too fix-y and he thought I was trying to hit on him and having a crush on him and it creeped him out and he avoided me online for a bit because he thought it was something it wasn't. Well, I assured him it wasn't, because it wasn't, stuff eventually did get patched up, great.

Well, then Gen Con came and I spent some time hanging out with him again. And well. My brain is stupid, but I shoved it aside because he's not gay and I'm FTM trans and he was married and he lives in another state. But it keeps poking at my brain and growing. And I feel horrible about it. Especially after his marriage fell apart. Because I feel awful for him about it and it really ripped him up, but those stupid feelings keep coming back and I feel guilty about it. And after the way he reacted the first time he thought I had those feelings I'm terrified every time I say something nice or comment on something he does that he'll figure it out and not want anything to do with me again.

I mean, I'm never going to try to seriously pursue anything with that, it's just one of those harmless little crushes you have sometimes that don't really mean anything other than 'I think x is a cool guy and he's cute too, sigh'. But I keep worrying about how he'll take it if he finds out. I really don't want to hurt him worse than he's already been hurt and I keep being afraid to say things, or freaking out after I say something.

I dunno what to do. Try to avoid anything that could remotely be construed that way? Just admit to it and be out with it and hope for the best? Something else? Gah. Emotions, you're terrible and you suck.

First and foremost, *hugs*

You aren't gonna do anything with those emotions, are you? You know full well that he's in a bad place, and there's no future for a "two of you". Believe me, we've all been there crush-wise (or, at least everyone I know have been there).
So I recommend, just enjoy the crush and keep quiet. You don't owe anyone to tell them how you're feeling, especially not when the feeling in question is an innocent crush. Crushes come and go, and they can be enjoyed entirely one-sided.
Frankly, sometimes they're way better when enjoyed one-sided. You get all the happy-bubbly feelings with none of the vulnerability and doubt. Win!

As for his fear and reactions, you can do it in two ways.

1) Deny. This is perfectly okay if not in the service of a Nice Guy gambit. If he asks, you can tell him no, he's a good friend, and you already covered this, and you'll tell him if anything changes. Now, what about this board game, is it weird or what?
Which is a white lie, for sure, but close enough to the truth as long as your actions keep reflecting your words.

2) Be upfront. If you choose this, you will need to be relaxed and somewhat confident about your emotions. "Yeah, I have a crush, but I'm not gonna act on it, and I'm a big boy, I can handle my emotions fine. No need for things to get weird."
This leaves the ball in his court. And seriously. If he can't handle a friend having an innocent crush, he may not be a very good person to be friends with. I know some people have reasons to freak out, but... Good friends work through the awkward. And they trust (and have reason to trust) each other when they claim that nothing has to become awkward.

You know the guy (and yourself) best, so you know if you'll be able to shrug it off, and you know if he's too paranoid/observant to trust your word.

But no matter what, don't feel bad for crushing. That emotion only means that he's a cool person, and that he gives you something you need. You can't control it, so really, feeling guilty is like beating yourself up every time it rains.
The only things you can control are your actions and your intentions. Keep those okay, and you have nothing(!) to feel guilty about.

Good luck in any case!

Also, for all those with an OKCupid account, I just found this that you might find fun to use. It's funny enough to me that I considered making an account. Which... is probably for all the wrong reasons.

I'd be a little more impressed if it hadn't pinged me as Asian, and I hadn't written my gender in the very first line

[dehro]

So it turns out I don't like sex. This isn't a "I haven't figured out what I'm comfortable with" scenario, but a "I've tried pretty much everything, and I don't find any of it enjoyable" scenario. For obvious reasons, I'm not going to go into the specifics of why this is the case...

My boyfriend, who I've been with for 2 years now, does like it. Very much. I finally managed to tell him how I feel about the subject, and he seems to be okay with it. We haven't had sex since, and now I feel like garbage over this whole situation. I gave him permission to mess around with whoever he wants since I can't do anything, but he's hesitant to except that offer, and now I keep feeling like I'm sexually depriving him.

Any advice?

one could say "it's all right, you're not alone" and so on.. but is this a quest to define yourself and are you looking for a label to define yourself by or are you looking instead for a way to manage this issue and the impact it has on your relationship?

as it is, you've brought the issue out in the open..that seems to me a big step already..and you've given him freedom to mess around, which is not necessarily a solution but it does show you're trying to find one that doesn't impact on your relationship.
I'd suggest you keep talking with him about it, explore, if verbally alone, his fantasies and maybe yours if you have any.. explore how you could estabilish a framework of rules, do's and dont's..
within that context, there are alternatives to actual physical intercourse that can be satisfying for both

I'll stop now before this gets any further NSFW.
unless you want to take this to a more private place, I doubt there's much I could say without getting too.. up close and personal, that would be both helpful and also forum-friendly.

[Harugami]

not sure if this thread is active but would someone mind pming me if its not to much trouble?

[Blisstake]

Have you spoken to a professional?

I do see a professional about my anxiety issues. It could be related, so I'll try bringing it up with her.

one could say "it's all right, you're not alone" and so on.. but is this a questo to define yourself and are you looking for a label to define yourself by or are you looking instead for a way to manage this issue and the impact it has on your relationship?

Yeah, I'm not really looking for a label or anything. I'm sure there are similar people, but this is more about what I can do with my relationship.

as it is, you've brought the issue out in the open..that seems to me a big step already..and you've given him freedom to mess around, which is not necessarily a solution but it does show you're trying to find one that doesn't impact on your relationship.
I'd suggest you keep talking with him about it, explore, if verbally alone, his fantasies and maybe yours if you have any.. explore how you could estabilish a framework of rules, do's and dont's..
within that context, there are alternatives to actual physical intercourse that can be satisfying for both

I know all about his fantasies, actually. I think maybe that has something to do with me feeling so crummy, since I know that right now it's not something I'm able to satisfy whatsoever. He assures me he's fine with where our relationship is right now, but I still wish there was something else I could do with him.

[dehro]

would you be open to answering a few personal questions regarding your situation, in private?

[leafman]

Small update, the gal I met and I went on our date (just got back). It was great. Turns out her birthday is actually the day after Valentine's, I misunderstood her counting. Anyway still need to think up something, still leaning towards flowers, her favorite color is purple, so I'll build off of that when I go to the florist.

[Morph Bark]

For some reason purple + flowers made me think of delivering a bouquet of purple flowers dressed as a Roman Praetorian Guardsman.

Not sure if romantic or just weird.

[Jonesh]

Bouncing back after a bad date with a cool person

Yo, long time no see guys (well, those of you that I don't see in the FB-chats every day)!

So I met this girl at a party, we hit it off. Just some flirting, no kissing, but she was obviously into me. We added each other on FB (where we both saw the other was single) and started talking a lot there about all kinds of stuff. Flirted a bit there as well. Fast forward about two months, when she is visiting my town (she lives 4 hours away) and the date for our date arrives.

I had slept about 4-6 hours the two nights before that and was so nervous I was sick. I stopped being nervous after calling her and saying I was on my way but I was still feeling like a zombie because I was so tired.

And really, there's not much to say about the date... The food was worse than I remember at that restaurant, the atmosphere was tense, stiff and formal and we didn't do nothing more than just eating and talking. I guess I have myself to blame for choosing such a boring cliché for a date with such an interesting person and not making sure I slept well (****ing cat that kept waking me up + extreme nervousness = basically no sleep). I was so tired that I could only think of going to sleep... so when we passed a bus stop and saw my bus was coming soon I asked her to come back to my place (so we could hang out and I could rest...) but I think she took it the, uh, normal way. So she said no. Kept walking and talking and when we arrived at her buddy's place I said we should do something more fun next time, like taking a beer or something, but she said she didn't know when she'd be in town next time because her friend was moving to the UK.

Summing it up, I'd say it was bad timing and bad place for a date. We should have done something more physical with less restraints (e.g. not having to sit with a big table between us) and I should have tried to sleep better or canceled my early morning plans.

So... WELP.
What do I do now? This happened Saturday...
I was thinking of writing her and saying it was a really bad day for a date for me and that I was thinking of canceling it (I did, nobody should have to be this tired and be expected to entertain somebody else) but I didn't want to disappoint her and disrupt our plans.

[Coidzor]

For some reason purple + flowers made me think of delivering a bouquet of purple flowers dressed as a Roman Praetorian Guardsman.

Not sure if romantic or just weird.

Probably more weird, I don't remember Praetorians being considered especially romantic. Still awesome, mostly because pulling that kind of costuming off is tricksy.

I think gladiolas come in purple, and they're of a shape that isn't generally considered too overtly romantic while also not being actively non-romantic.

[Sholos]

What do you do when a friend tells you you're not invited to a Super Bowl party "because you won't get excited enough" and then in a picture from said party you see someone who has never once expressed any real interest in football whatsoever? Besides feel extremely hurt, that is.

[Coidzor]

What do you do when a friend tells you you're not invited to a Super Bowl party "because you won't get excited enough" and then in a picture from said party you see someone who has never once expressed any real interest in football whatsoever? Besides feel extremely hurt, that is.

Well, at the time they said that, I'd have asked them what the hell they meant by that. Then I'd consider if there was some other guest there who would have tried to kill me and so inviting me would have created a situation which necessitated that I defend myself which might have resulted in the punch bowl being knocked over or some other messiness and excitement.

I'd probably recommend against such laxity with their filters as to who can see their photos in the future though.

More seriously: In your place, at this point I'd try to put aside feeling hurt or indignant or mad and see whether there was some kind of bad blood that I was unaware of with the host or another one of the guests.

So... WELP.
What do I do now? This happened Saturday...
I was thinking of writing her and saying it was a really bad day for a date for me and that I was thinking of canceling it (I did, nobody should have to be this tired and be expected to entertain somebody else) but I didn't want to disappoint her and disrupt our plans.

Haven't heard from her through your usual means of contact? Did you send a followup?

[Glass Mouse]

So... WELP.
What do I do now? This happened Saturday...
I was thinking of writing her and saying it was a really bad day for a date for me and that I was thinking of canceling it (I did, nobody should have to be this tired and be expected to entertain somebody else) but I didn't want to disappoint her and disrupt our plans.

Don't spend too much time obsessing about how bad the date was. You can't erase the bad date from her memory, and a long, groveling apology (in me at least, though in general terms seeing as I've never had a bad first date) usually just evokes thoughts of, "who's he trying to fool?"

Show her an alternative instead. Replace the awkward tired guy in her head with a fun guy.

Own the awkward, then turn it around. Maybe something like, "Hey, I'm sorry I was so tired last time, my cat was so nervous about a prospective new mommy that he kept me up all night ;) But I really enjoyed spending time with you, you're smart/funny/rad/[insert applicable]. Can I make it up to you? What about [cool activity date]?"

Just a thought

Well, at the time they said that, I'd have asked them what the hell they meant by that. Then I'd consider if there was some other guest there who would have tried to kill me and so inviting me would have created a situation which necessitated that I defend myself which might have resulted in the punch bowl being knocked over or some other messiness and excitement.

Sholos: If it's a first-time occurence, assume they have good reasons (fx the aforementioned punch bowl fear) and let it be.
If it's repeated, confront them about it in a non-accusatory way. Ask them what's up, and if there's anything to be interpreted from the repeated snubbing.
If they keep it up, decide if you want to keep them in your life. They may be worth the company for the occasional hanging-out even if you don't hang out often. Either way, go find better friends.

Also, tough love time: Sometimes "you don't get excited enough" really means "you're dragging everyone down". No idea if it's the reason here, but again, if snubbing is repeated, and the excuses follow a pattern, it's worth looking into?

[Serpentine]

> On the bus
> Very cute guy gets on
> Very cute guy sits next to me
> Notices he has a bag of holding
> Strikes up a conversation about it
> Conversation goes well
> He mentions a girlfriend
*finger snap* Ah nuts.

Bonus: he got off the bus, and then it sat there for a while as the driver talked to someone. Then I suddenly realise it's my stop too, and leap off like a moron.

[Morph Bark]

That's a shame. You don't find cute adventurers that often, especially on buses. (Or was it a different kind of bag of holding?)

[The Succubus]

Hmmm, reminds me of something that happened a couple of weeks back. Was on the last train out of London for the night, heading back after seeing some friends. Looked further up the carriage and there's a rather cute girl asleep against the window. Dithered a little about whether to wake her up or not, decided to do so because my train stops in a rather scummy part of London. We talked a little after she woke up - apparently she has a habit of oversleeping on trains. Just wish I'd got a name or number from her.

Oh well.

[noparlpf]

That's a shame. You don't find cute adventurers that often, especially on buses. (Or was it a different kind of bag of holding?)

Probably this one; at least around here I've seen a few.
I have one, and I like it, except that I'd suggest they switch the semicircular rings for hanging the strap for circular ones, because the semicircular ones just slide around and end up hanging from the corners, and then I get into a fight with myself between the OCD and 'dude chill it's not as big of a deal as you think' parts of myself.

[Jallorn]

Probably this one; at least around here I've seen a few.
I have one, and I like it, except that I'd suggest they switch the semicircular rings for hanging the strap for circular ones, because the semicircular ones just slide around and end up hanging from the corners, and then I get into a fight with myself between the OCD and 'dude chill it's not as big of a deal as you think' parts of myself.

Yeah, I've got one of those, and when that happens, it makes me worry that it's doing damage to the strap cause it gets all scrunched up. Also, mine's falling appart (I've had it a couple years now), the first things to start to go were the magnets (though they're not all gone), then the flap started to rip, and now the zippers are breaking.

[Coidzor]

That's a shame. You don't find cute adventurers that often, especially on buses. (Or was it a different kind of bag of holding?)

I have to admit I've only had that happen twice to me and the first time it was because she mistook me for someone else with a homophonic name and to whom I bore a strong resemblance and so sat down and started addressing me by name like I was an old friend because she thought I was one.

The second time I almost got a girlfriend out of it, but she had to catch a greyhound back home for thanksgiving and as soon as she got back she was packing up to move back home and doesn't do LDRs.

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Sadly I actually had this happen with the best friend of a girl I started seeing but then stopped because I wasn't seeing a real girlfriend vibe from her and she wanted a formal relationship while I wanted to take things slow for a bit longer to ascertain my feelings, but we ended more or less amicably and were still on quite good terms until I finally met said best friend at the girl's birthday party and she hit me and was trying to work herself up to actually attacking me and/or my best friend before she was finally persuaded that this would be a bad idea, especially in a bowling alley so close to the slippery, slippery lanes.

Ended up getting cut out of events that didn't include at least 5 other people to serve as a buffer between me and the crazy chick.

[inexorabletruth]

What would you suggest for a schedule that doesn't really allow going out, especially not at night? I'm lucky if I see some (read: most) of my friends twice a month or so.

Well, Sholos, then you aren't in a position to support a relationship at this time. Relationships require a consistent time investment in order to last beyond a few weeks.

It's okay to be single for a while. During these times one can shape themselves into the kind of person he or she wants to be, mentally, physically and spiritually. During my "hermit phase" before I started going out to meet people I was working two jobs and going to school and had no time for relationships. I lived a simple and disciplined life that I managed with a strict schedule. X hours dedicated to sleep, X hours dedicated to work, X hours dedicated to school work, X hours dedicated to exercise (I found boxing very cathartic at the time, since it helped vent my stress), and X hours dedicated to religious practice. If you chose not to have a religion, then you could always use this time to simply relax and meditate, or study the world's living religions, but this time of spiritual development helps give you a channel for your fears, doubts, rage and frustrations; it's important for developing a healthy mindset. The mind isn't just about facts and figures. It also needs peace, joy, and contentment. By the time you're done with this phase of your life, you will (most likely) have developed into an even better person than you already are. And because of your sharpened mind, hardened body, and matured soul, you will possess the confidence to seek out a partner that can make you happy. And believe me, there's no shortage of people out there looking for attractive, intelligent, confident, well-adjusted people out there. So consider this hectic time in your life (whatever is keeping you from your friends) an opportunity to evaluate yourself, see what aspects of "you" you wish to develop and push to a higher level. After all, once you start getting involved in a serious relationship, you inevitably will become less important to yourself than him or her, and the time you spend developing yourself will diminish some, if not mostly. So, your best opportunity is now.

[Jonesh]

Don't spend too much time obsessing about how bad the date was. You can't erase the bad date from her memory, and a long, groveling apology (in me at least, though in general terms seeing as I've never had a bad first date) usually just evokes thoughts of, "who's he trying to fool?"

Show her an alternative instead. Replace the awkward tired guy in her head with a fun guy.

Own the awkward, then turn it around. Maybe something like, "Hey, I'm sorry I was so tired last time, my cat was so nervous about a prospective new mommy that he kept me up all night ;) But I really enjoyed spending time with you, you're smart/funny/rad/[insert applicable]. Can I make it up to you? What about [cool activity date]?"

Just a thought

That's... pretty good. Simple too. I should have figured out that's the best solution... Damn this crush, I can't think straight even when she's not around
Thanks a lot, I remember you have given good advice in the past as well


Does anybody have any good tips on good activities to do on a date? I can think of like, Laserdome (laser tag), ice-skating and dancing... Drawing blanks otherwise.

[Morbis Meh]

That's... pretty good. Simple too. I should have figured out that's the best solution... Damn this crush, I can't think straight even when she's not around
Thanks a lot, I remember you have given good advice in the past as well


Does anybody have any good tips on good activities to do on a date? I can think of like, Laserdome (laser tag), ice-skating and dancing... Drawing blanks otherwise.

Any activity which you can do while holding a conversation: bowling is good, mini golf, arcade (if she likes that sort of thing), archery/gun range, go to a coffee shop and play board games. Simple things like that

[Glass Mouse]

Any activity which you can do while holding a conversation: bowling is good, mini golf, arcade (if she likes that sort of thing), archery/gun range, go to a coffee shop and play board games. Simple things like that

This. Just make sure it's something you're enthusiastic about. Don't pick something just because she might like it - enthusiasm is the best thing you can bring to any social interaction

[Coidzor]

This. Just make sure it's something you're enthusiastic about. Don't pick something just because she might like it - enthusiasm is the best thing you can bring to any social interaction

On the other hand, don't get so enthusiastic that you get wrapped up in the activity to the detriment of the social interaction.

[noparlpf]

Yeah, I've got one of those, and when that happens, it makes me worry that it's doing damage to the strap cause it gets all scrunched up. Also, mine's falling appart (I've had it a couple years now), the first things to start to go were the magnets (though they're not all gone), then the flap started to rip, and now the zippers are breaking.

Well, those bits seem to have lasted longer for you, so I guess it's not hugely damaging. Or maybe they're anchored really well--that was the first thing to go in the last messenger bag I had.