Iron Poet XIX

[TheWombatOfDoom]

Alright folks! Final day! Good luck to everyone, especially the judges!

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These poems are excellent!

[Alarra]

Gah, sorry about not having judgments up yet. I had a baby last week and things have been a bit hectic. I'll get them up this weekend though.

[TheWombatOfDoom]

Gah, sorry about not having judgments up yet. I had a baby last week and things have been a bit hectic. I'll get them up this weekend though.

OH MY GOSH! BABEH! Congratulations! Also, looking forward to judgements! Now to track down the other two.

[Dr Bwaa]

Gah, sorry about not having judgments up yet. I had a baby last week and things have been a bit hectic. I'll get them up this weekend though.

Wowza! Congratulations!!

Also,

a bit hectic

I imagine that this is an understatement that qualifies you for some kind of award.

[SaintRidley]

Gah, sorry about not having judgments up yet. I had a baby last week and things have been a bit hectic. I'll get them up this weekend though.

I think you just won the very first Iron Understatement contest.

Congratulations and go mother the hell out of that baby. We're patient people.

[truemane]

My apologies, folks. I didn't even have a baby. I just had regular-person busy. Once again, thank you to all the poets for putting up such great work. It was interesting and challenging work critiquing them all.

ROUND TWO

Cuthalion vs. Dr.Bwaa

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Cuthalion
untitled

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I had mixed feelings about this piece. First off, the container is good. You strike a very pleasant, languid, elegiac tone that I think matches the material well. And although I can't say for certain exactly why, I felt the unsual rhyme scheme was quite complimentary as well.

Where I felt it was lacking was in the story. The narrative flow of the piece that brings it from a beginning to an end. You have pieces of the story there, hints of movemement, but instead of feeling minimalizt (which is what I'm guessing you were going for), it feels incomplete. If I hadn't seen the prompt I'm not sure I would have gotten much out of it.

It's always been my contention that the piece should be inspired by the prompt but not dependant upon it. If you showed the poem to someone who hasn't seen it, it should stand for them just as strong as it does for us.

And I know that's not everyone's opinion.

I don't have any suggestions as to how to fix it. A few more stanzas, drawing out the character a little more, wouldn't have been out of place. A little more movement from candle-light-beauty to heart-sore-staring-yearning. And I think a little more material would have made that off-kilter rhyme scheme earn its keep a little more.

But that sounds like I think it sucked. It didn't. It was a good, solid, effective piece. But I think a little more concentration on the implied narrative might have really made it shine.

Dr. Bwaa
Heavy is a Halo

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This is a serious thing you have here. It must have taken a lot of work and it shows a dedication to detail that is admirable. So don't let anything I say take away from that. It is really something.

BUT

Is it necessary?

The only real rule of art that I've ever found that seems to be true all the time is: whatever you do, make a point, even if your point is that there is no point.

Everything in the poem should contribute. Should feed into or engance your central theme(s). If you have a happy, sprightly poem about freedom and adventure and doing your own thing, it doesn't make sense to lock it into a heavy, restrictive structure (unless it does for some other reason).

Content and form are two halves of the same coin. And so they must support each other or the whole thing falls down.

Every single element in the piece needs hold its weight. And if the element is intrusive or difficult or obscure or 'expensive' in some other way, then the payoff needs to be that much greater to justify it.

Point being, I get that you arranged the words to look like the prompt, but I don't see that your poem has gained anything from the arrangement. It makes it harder to read, and confusing in parts as you try to figure out what words go where, the lack of staza divisions makes it easy to lose your place and hard to follow. And the physical arrangement of the words themselves don't add to the meaning or contribute anything aside from the initial visual impression. And once we're done with that initial impression, the structure just weighs the piece down.

In other words, it's a gimmick. A wonderful, admirable, difficult, pain-staking gimmick, but a gimmick nonetheless.

And that's too bad, because what's inside that crazy frame is SO GOOD. Really, Dr.Bwaa, the writing in this piece is exquisite. Such simplicity and depth, such emotional content, layers of meaning, a strong character, a strong story, real movement from start to finish. Conflict, resolution. It's got it all.

I just wish I could just read it without having to pick my way through the visual maze.

Also, unrelated, I found it interesting how often you extended or truncated words (which usually done to control syllables and rhythm in a structured piece) in what is essenatially free verse. 'damned' with the accent grave, myst'ries and whisp'ring, etc. Was there a reason? Did it just look cool?

Anyway. I deeply respect the amount of work that went into the form. And I was blown away by the content. I just didn't the one was doing the other any favours.

VERDICT

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Under some duress, Dr. Bwaa. Despite my reservations about the frame, the writing itself was just too good.

Benthesquid vs. The Extinguisher

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Benthesquid
Hole in the Sky

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I really liked this piece. It was a nice marriage of form and content. I liked the inconsistent rhymes. I liked the refrains. I liked the offset stanzas in quotation marks. That last one is particularly interesting, since the whole thing is in the first person, and therefore the whole piece is really one big quote. But I think it makes the smaller stanzas feel more immediate, more visceral, as though this is all what he things but those passages are things that are REALLy important.

"They say each cigarette steals
Eleven minutes off your life.
Days like these, it doesn't seem enough."

Is really nice. Thats the heart of the entire piece right there. You could almost just have submitted this single stanza and the rest almost follows. It's a good phrase.

The only thing I felt like I was missing was some clear information about what he was feeling and seeing right there in that moment. I have the picture, true, but the cold steel of the train track, the smell of the grass, the actual sound of the guns or feel of the mud. The sharp-gooey feel of a drag off a cigarette. Even what the hole in the sky actually looks like (to him). Anything to put me there with him on the ground that day at that moment.

But other than that, excellent work.

The Extinguisher
The Bitter End

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I really liked parts of this, and other parts less so.

I thought the alternate, rhyming stanzas really worked. They had a nice rhythm and the 7-syllable/6-syllable alteranting was really nice. Made it kinda move and groove without sounding hokey. It felt like it should be a song. I could totally picture someone strumming that one out on stage with an acoustic guitar in some small dive bar.

The refrain stanzas were, I thought, less successful. Or rather, the refrain works well on its own merits, but as a whole, I'm not sure having a refrain in so short a poem was doing you any real favours. Had there been more of it, you might have struck an interesting sort of cadence. We learn some more about the narrator, then the refrain. Then learn some more, then refrain. Then, when it's over, you can tack that biot on the end and that's how we know it's over.

But as it is, it felt a little uneven. Remember that you're teaching your audience your structure as you lay it out. So we're all used to the alternate rhymes and strogn rhythm and then.. oh wait.. this is different. Then more rhymes. Then the refeain, and we know it's the same, and that's cool, but then it's not the same, and then it's over.

Sounds like grousing. And it kind of is. But for something as short as this, I'd have stuck with simple.

I also felt like I was missing some of the story here. It's nice to be minimilaist and evocative, but I think I'd have had a stronger emotional response had I had some more informtaion about who this guy was, what he was doing exactly, and why.

Also, small note: your use of the word abandon'd was odd. The reason poets use that apostrophes like that is to cut out a extra syllables in order to maintain a rhythm. "Abandoned" has just as many syllables as "abandon'd." So there's no need to use the apostrophe.

However, despite all that megativity, I really liked the bones of this piece. The flow and the feel and the tone and the atmosphere. I just kept seeing ways that it might have really shone.

Verdict

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Both pieces were very good and both had similar strengths and similar liabilities. Tough choice. I'm going to go with Benthesquid, as his felt a little more complete. But, really, it was almost a coin toss.

SaintRidley vs. TheWombatofDoom

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SaintRidley
Nox atra cava circumvolat umbra

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This one was, okay. I know you felt stuck and that always sucks. And it's pretty good, given that you pulled it out kinda last minute.

First off, unless there's a reason to make the title Latin, I'd avoid it. Some things sounds cooler in Latin, I'll admit, but the English translation of that phrase is just as evocative and would have had the benefit of not being obscure for no reason.

Secondly, words like 'tenebrificious' and 'voluminous' aren't usually helpful (unless they are - sometimes a poem has a flow that requires that kind of language, but very rarely). Finding smaller, less obscure words for those things probably would have been better.

Third, if you're going to write a piece that's all imagery and no story (which is fine), remember to find ways to touch the senses. Tell us what the night feels like, how it feels like smokey mist along the fingertips, or tastes like the sea at night, or how the moon shines like a fire in a dark forest. Or whatever. All of that can give an immediate, visceral impression of what you're trying to say. And so long as you can communiocate that visceral experience, the narrative of the piece is far less important.

But. It's pretty good. Really. Especially so because you just had nothing. I've had that happen and it sucks.

TheWombatofDoom
A Pair of Men

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I have to admit I'm not sure what you were getting at here. Did one of them really think it was a hot girl and the other one think it was a statue? What did Meek think about the fact that she didn't move or speak? Did Bold just sort of conclude that his friend was nuts? Why were they Meek and Bold, particularly? Did their personalities have anything to do with their reactions? Could they not have been just Bill and Dave?

Maybe you were trying to make a point about the mutability of truth? Or about perception being subjective? Or maybe just having fun with two guys wandering around and some kind of crazy statue with an enchantment on it? Maybe only one of them made his Saving Throw?

I don't know. And I should know. Unless I totally missed it. In which case I am happy to be schooled.

The other thing is the rhythm. It was really uneven. There's no law that says you have to have a consistent rhythm, but once you start rhyming alternate words it's almost a given. And if you're going to have rhyme and no rhythm, there should be a good reason. Otherwise the whole thing just sounds choppy and messy. Like if you were trying to dance to a song and the drummer kept changing the beat.

Was this a case where you dind't have the time required to perfect the rhythm? Or did it sound fine to in your head when you read it? I find that latter happens to me all the time. It's easy to cheat inside your head because you know how it's supposed to sound. Which is why I always get someone else to read structured poetry out loud. That'll show you were all the weak points are.

There were some nice passages here. And I like story poems. So I enjoyed it. I just think it needed some sharpening along the edges.

Verdict

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I liked both of these pieces, for different reasons. And I thought both could have used another turn or two through the mill. It was another coin toss pairing. But in the end I'm going to go with TheWombatofDoom. His was just a little more fun to read.

bryn0528 vs. Amidus Drexel

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bryn0528

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NOTHING!

Amidus Drexel
Haves and Have-Nots

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I really liked the way you structured this one. The internal rhyme and the driving rhythm gave it a lot of energy. I'm not entirely convinced that fast and energetic is the best feel for this piece to have. I would think that an older homeless person would speak more slowly, more carefully, with a more languid tone. But that would be over-thinking things and what you've done is quite good.

You did, however fall hip deep in the normal snare of highly structured verse: arbitrary words and phrases chosen more for their sound than their sense.

Does he really have a tire in his cart? A cape? Even a drum? I mean, he might, but I would question his choices. Was he really a baker? And a preacher? And 'man who could jog' is pretty lame. But I get it. You had the engine-cog already picked it and what else are you going to use? Hog? Dog? Blog?

So those are huge things. But they're noticeable.

The only thing I would rally question is the title. Haves and Have-nots? I'm not convinced that's the best way to sum up this piece. There are no 'Haves' in this poem. And maybe you're making a point about what he has now vs what he used to have, but that isn't a strong enough point in the poem, I don't think.

But those are all only little things. All in all, I thought it was a good strong piece with a difficult structure that you pulled off very well.

Verdict

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Amidus, obviously. But it was a strong entry all on its own.

[Dr Bwaa]

@truemane

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It's a gimmick indeed, one I've always wanted to try and now I never have to do it again

Thank you for taking the time to really read into it--I know it's kind of a pain. Thus:

Also, unrelated, I found it interesting how often you extended or truncated words (which usually done to control syllables and rhythm in a structured piece) in what is essenatially free verse. 'damned' with the accent grave, myst'ries and whisp'ring, etc. Was there a reason? Did it just look cool?

Occasionally I did this for spacing reasons, but mainly it was to fit the secret meter that the poem (mostly) follows. I say it's secret because those small oddities (extended/truncated words) are basically the only hint that there's a real meter/structure to the thing.

When the judging is done, I'm planning to post the plain-formatted version, with stanza breaks and so on--there is a structure to it, though it's corrupted in a spot or two near the beginning of the formatted version because of spacing needs.

[Amidus Drexel]

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I really liked the way you structured this one. The internal rhyme and the driving rhythm gave it a lot of energy. I'm not entirely convinced that fast and energetic is the best feel for this piece to have. I would think that an older homeless person would speak more slowly, more carefully, with a more languid tone. But that would be over-thinking things and what you've done is quite good.

You did, however fall hip deep in the normal snare of highly structured verse: arbitrary words and phrases chosen more for their sound than their sense.

To be honest, I was grasping at straws for this one, and just wrote. Agreed that it's got a pace that's likely inappropriate for the subject, though.

Yeah... I like to have a strict rhyme and rhythm to my poems. It bothers me when things don't fit, and it's more pleasing to me that a poem is metrically immaculate than meaningful in any sense (not that mine are necessarily either).

The only thing I would rally question is the title. Haves and Have-nots? I'm not convinced that's the best way to sum up this piece. There are no 'Haves' in this poem. And maybe you're making a point about what he has now vs what he used to have, but that isn't a strong enough point in the poem, I don't think.

But those are all only little things. All in all, I thought it was a good strong piece with a difficult structure that you pulled off very well.

The title's meaning is only what you attribute to it. In a sense, it's meant to be a comparison of the first and second halves of the poem, but it doesn't hold any special meaning aside from that.

[The Extinguisher]

@truename

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Yeah, I'm actually primarily a songwriter, so that's how lots of my poetry goes. I actually wrote it as a song and then cut it down afterwords. Probably should have kept it as is.

C'est la vie.

[Dr Bwaa]

No one can possibly fault Alarra for not having judgments in yet, but where's Dimonite?

[Dimonite]

No one can possibly fault Alarra for not having judgments in yet, but where's Dimonite?

Drowning under about 20 pages of essay. On poetry, ironically enough! Studying Keats. This has taken a bit of a backseat, I'll admit, and I'm sorry for that, but since all of my classes were cancelled tomorrow on account of the weather (which is weird, since not a flake of snow has fallen yet) I should have them up tomorrow.

[Alarra]

Judgments

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Cuthalion vs. Dr Bwaa

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Cuthalion:

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Good use of prompt, I can see the image in your description, that being said, there’s really not much to this other than a description of the picture. You’re lacking a sense of emotion, of the character, I want there to be a story or a point behind the picture, and I’m not getting that from this. The repetition works for me, though each stanza feels too short for the repetition to really work well. Not a bad poem, persay, but nothing particularly inspiring or interesting either.

Dr. Bwaa

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Da-amn. This is good. Really excellent. The story, the emotion, the lyrical quality, the sense of rhythm and flow, apparent even in what could have been a really confusing bit of formatting. Everything was spot-on. And, as complex as your formatting was, I didn’t have any trouble reading it, or with flow, until I got to the section where you introduced the second voice. It was at this point that the poem kind of fell apart for me too. Don’t get me wrong, the split voices added an interesting layer, but I, personally, liked it better when it was just her talking through the emotions in her head. I don’t feel that the additional voice was needed. It really interrupted the flow and reading through it without spaces was difficult and required several read throughs. With as well as the beginning half flowed, that disappointed me. In any case, this is a wonderfully done poem and I love the story and emotion that you convey.

Verdict:

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Dr. Bwaa

Benthesquid vs. The Extinguisher

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Benthesquid:

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I don’t feel that the light, quick flow and lyrical quality of this poem meshes well with the subject matter. Now, the story and emotion you’ve presented, I like. You used the prompt well and it’s interesting. Reading it through, however, that emotional gravity isn’t given the weight it deserves in the wording. The repetition, rather than serving to tie the piece together, is actually distracting and breaks the flow of the piece. Overall though, a solid piece. I like the juxtaposition of quotations and thought, and the story and emotion are conveyed well.

The Extinguisher

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I like this. The rhyme adds to the content, rather than detracting as it could easily have given a heavy subject matter with a lyrical piece. My one real issue is that the second stanza being shorter really interrupted the flow as I was reading and felt very unfinished on the tongue. I like the emotion that you conveyed and the voice you wrote in. I feel like it could have benefited from a bit more detail about the narrator. Who’s talking here and why is he feeling the way he is? I would have liked more. Overall though, I really enjoyed this piece.

Verdict:

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This was close. These were both good poems with solid emotions and stories, very similar stories as it happens. I’m going to go with The Extinguisher though, as his form matched his subject matter batter in my view.

SaintRidley vs TheWombatOfDoom

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SaintRidley:

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Hmm. While this does evoke the prompt to me, I admit that I haven’t a clue what’s going on here, who the subject is, who’s narrating. It took me entirely too long to figure out what the latin in the title meant, and frankly, reading this poem was just…a lot of work. The language was unwieldy, the point and story obscured, not to be overly mean, but it read pretentious to me. It flowed moderately well, when the language didn’t get in the way. ‘Tenebrificous’ specifically, completely threw off my flow and reading as I stumbled over it. Overall, I didn’t really care for the piece. There were some nice lyrical lines, and I liked the section with the nothing repetitions. I think it could have benefited from being broken into stanzas, and certainly could have used more detail on the story’s end.

TheWombatOfDoom

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Interesting story. I’m intrigued to know more about this woman and how she became enchanted or stone, or both, and why the two perceive her differently. I feel like there’s an underlying metaphor here, having something to do with the personalities presented, but I’m not quite grasping it. The flow was nice, for the most part, though there were a couple of places where the rhythm was off and distracting. Overall, I enjoyed this and it left me wanting more and involved in their story and dispute.

Verdict:

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TheWombatOfDoom

bryn0528 vs. Amidus Drexel

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bryn0528:

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No entry

Amidus Drexel:

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I liked this a lot. The rhyme and rhythm were fun and light, which seemed initially at odds with the heavy subject matter, but once you look at the picture, it suits him. He interests me and I want to know his story. The simplicity and shortness of this poem really worked well and gave us glimpses into his life and engaged us with the subject matter and emotion, without bogging us down in the heaviness that homelessness is as seen from the outside. Very nicely done.

Verdict:

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Amidus Drexel

[Dimonite]

Judgements! Finally, I can feel slightly less lame!

Spoiler: Benthesquid vs. The Extinguisher

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Benthesquid, "Hole in the Sky"

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You've managed to appear to disregard structure while actually doing something quite clever with it - the quotes are always three lines, and the narration starts with three and increases by two each time, and I quite like that. Along with your almost randomly interspersed rhyme scheme, it shows that your work was carefully thought out, not only in content, but in form as well. Speaking of content, that's well done, too. A soldier who wants to leave the war behind and fly to heaven is a great interpretation of the prompt.

The Extinguisher, "The Bitter End"

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Your form is, without question, very good. You have a good command of the rhyme scheme and rhythm, with few variations or slants. However, you seem to have arrived there somewhat at the expense of content - your commitment to the rhyme scheme seems to have led to some awkward phrasing, most notably in the third stanza. Mostly, though, I'd just like to see more. You end really well - especially where you tie in your title - but I feel like you don't quite build to it enough.

Verdict:

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BenTheSquid

Spoiler: Cuthalion vs. Dr. Bwaa

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Cuthalion

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This piece has a sort of quiet, calming quality that I thought fit very well with the prompt. You do a lot with a little here - you portray the outer, encouraging light as well as the inner fatigue very well.

Dr. Bwaa, "Heavy is a Halo"

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... I have no idea how I'm supposed to judge this. I mean, this has everything - you've worked the prompt in visually and in terms of content, and you tell an incredible story given the limitations you imposed on yourself. Well done, sir.

Verdict:

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Dr. Bwaa

Spoiler: Amidus Drexel vs. bryn0528

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Amidus, "Haves and Have-nots"

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A well-told story of a man gone to seed, through circumstances unknown. I like how he is both the have, and the have-not. You also did some nice things with form - you make your rhymes seem easy and natural, and each stanza tells its own story. This is a well-crafted piece.

bryn

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N/A

Verdict:

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Amidus by default, but he likely would have won anyway - I quite liked it.

Spoiler: Saint Ridley vs. WombatofDoom

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Saint Ridley, "Nox atra cava circumvolat umbra"

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I believe this is the only poem this round to forgo structure, so I shall likewise forgo my usual critique of that aspect. Your title shows a knowledge of Latin, as does your word choice throughout, but I think that might actually detract from the enjoyment of a reader who had not been similarly schooled. Overall, I thought it was good, and went especially well with the prompt.

Wombat, "A Pair of Men"

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Well done. Your form is excellent - solid rhymes, consistent rhythm and stanza formation - and the story you tell is interesting, and leaves the reader as unsure as Bold and Meek. You seem to have a flair for long, narrative poetry.

Verdict:

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This is by far the most difficult choice of the round for me, but I'll have to go with Saint Ridley, for a better connection to the prompt.

[TheWombatOfDoom]

TheWombatofDoom
A Pair of Men

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I have to admit I'm not sure what you were getting at here. Did one of them really think it was a hot girl and the other one think it was a statue? What did Meek think about the fact that she didn't move or speak? Did Bold just sort of conclude that his friend was nuts? Why were they Meek and Bold, particularly? Did their personalities have anything to do with their reactions? Could they not have been just Bill and Dave?

Maybe you were trying to make a point about the mutability of truth? Or about perception being subjective? Or maybe just having fun with two guys wandering around and some kind of crazy statue with an enchantment on it? Maybe only one of them made his Saving Throw?

I don't know. And I should know. Unless I totally missed it. In which case I am happy to be schooled.

The other thing is the rhythm. It was really uneven. There's no law that says you have to have a consistent rhythm, but once you start rhyming alternate words it's almost a given. And if you're going to have rhyme and no rhythm, there should be a good reason. Otherwise the whole thing just sounds choppy and messy. Like if you were trying to dance to a song and the drummer kept changing the beat.

Was this a case where you dind't have the time required to perfect the rhythm? Or did it sound fine to in your head when you read it? I find that latter happens to me all the time. It's easy to cheat inside your head because you know how it's supposed to sound. Which is why I always get someone else to read structured poetry out loud. That'll show you were all the weak points are.

There were some nice passages here. And I like story poems. So I enjoyed it. I just think it needed some sharpening along the edges.

Spoiler: Truemane Response

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Yes. The poem is about two men who look at the same thing, yet each sees something different, and accounting for their reactions to each other. What's interesting is that Meek calls Bold mad, but Bold does not return the "favor", thinking only that his friend was playing a trick. Take that as you will, but I saw that as Bold has trouble believing in the irregular. He thinks of things in mundane ways, so just as his friend couldn't be mad, she couldn't be a real person. But I didn't want to lay something that thick onto it, so I merely grazed the surface.

I named the two characters encountering the figure as their personalities, because that's all we ever know about them. I identify one as being bold, and the other as meek, and they never refer to each other as these names, their just ways of identifying. And while it gives you specific information about them, it also gives you less to opinionate yourself on, to dictate which of them is sane or mad, pessamistic or optimistic, so on.

I wanted the reader to really see how two people viewed one subject, and then decide for themself which was right. And I suppose to do that, I might have given a little more detail, but I liked/preferred keeping it a mystery.

As for the rhythm, I read it out loud and to other people, but never had someone to read it aside from me. It worked fine to me. I think with rhythm its often subjective. Others might stress a word you do not. For instance Dimonite commented that I had great rhythm, while you tell me it is choppy. To me it was almost balladic and sing songy. Either way, good advice, thank you.

Time WAS a limiting factor to the success of this poem. Mostly this was because I had an extreamely difficult time being inspired by the prompt, and I dabbled around with a few ideas for awhile, though and it was only very close to the first due date that I came up with this idea. I literally was scrawling on paper in the passenger seat on the way home from church to get the finished product in, so I wasn't really able to go over it for proofreading or any of that, hence one or two mistypes. That I was able to type it up in time was a miracle in itself, so I think for a first draft it came out pretty well. Yes, it's not polished, which I was a little scared about, but I liked the overall feel, so at least I can still say I'm proud of it.

Thank you for your compliments, and I appreciate your vote. I'm glad you enjoyed it despite it's shortcomings!

TheWombatOfDoom

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Interesting story. I’m intrigued to know more about this woman and how she became enchanted or stone, or both, and why the two perceive her differently. I feel like there’s an underlying metaphor here, having something to do with the personalities presented, but I’m not quite grasping it. The flow was nice, for the most part, though there were a couple of places where the rhythm was off and distracting. Overall, I enjoyed this and it left me wanting more and involved in their story and dispute.

Spoiler: Alarra Response

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I like poems that catch the reader and cause them to want to know more. I guess that's why I'm often a fan of a poem that tells some sort of story, because it causes a sense of...identification...or hunger to know more of the story. A sort of mystery that leaves you with the disire to find the answer. There is an underlying theme, which is basically who are we to say who is mad and who is sane, or something of the sort. Basically, reality only exists when it is confirmed to be reality, and until then, both the men are right and wrong. I suppose there could have been more to allow you to get that, but I liked a more subtle feel of a story that is like a fairy tale - a moralesque ending. I'm glad you enjoyed, and could you identify the parts that you were distracted by the rhythm. Since this poem was rushed, I'd like to clean it up a bit. Thank you for your vote.

Wombat, "A Pair of Men"

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Well done. Your form is excellent - solid rhymes, consistent rhythm and stanza formation - and the story you tell is interesting, and leaves the reader as unsure as Bold and Meek. You seem to have a flair for long, narrative poetry.

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I appreciate your compliments! I felt that the poem to me had to be about someone else encountering her as the main subject, because her as the speaker just didn't inspire me. Everytime I looked at her, I had problems coming up with anything, so I figured making her the central figure to these two men, and the cause for their disagreement would be enough to make her identified as the prompt. Narrative poetry is my favorite. I find it to be like solving a puzzle, or telling a story in a creative way, and it's always enjoyable. I like the constrictions poetry leaves. Despite not getting the vote from you, I appreciate that it was a hard choice, and I thank you for your kind words!

[Vaynor]

Congratulations to our round 2 winners:

Amidus Drexel
Dr. Bwaa
TheWombatofDoom
Benthesquid

Next round will be up tonight, hopefully!

[Dr Bwaa]

Lovely entries from everyone, and congratulations to the winners!

Responses to specific comments:

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Spoiler: Alarra

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Thank you for your kind words! As for the second voice, I knew it was the weakest part of the verse going in, but I desperately needed an excuse to have a whole bunch of caps-lock near the end of the poem, to make the candle-light stand out, and then of course I needed to tie that content thematically to the physical chunk of the structure that it was representing. The worst part was trying to come up with a meter that I could mostly stick to, while fitting words into the constraints of how that content had to be arranged. In any event, I'm glad you liked it. :)

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Thank you! I have to say, when I submitted this, I felt a little like that contestant on a reality show that no one likes, who gets to stay in an extra round thanks to a gutsy hail-Mary that would never work a second time. So getting compliments on the content, rather than just the structure, means a lot. :)

Finally, as promised, what follows is the "disassembled," draft verse of my previous submission. You can see where it got altered a bit for formatting reasons, especially near the beginning and the end, but for the most part I was happy with how much of the internal structure I was able to preserve. I knew, setting out, approximately what I wanted to do with the content, but it took me a while to get a meter/rhyme/content scheme that I liked.

I should also mention that the mixed-voices section is split up artificially for easier reading, since the two voices do not speak in similar lines or meters, and putting them next to each other would have been confusing (granted, that was the point). So, without further ado:

Heavy is a Halo (un-remixed)

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Oh loop so wicked, ever wide,
a noose, all gold, my soul to hang.
A holy circle, given form
is still a leaden weight.
A girl so young, too slow of wit--
a damnèd, foolish child, should
be disallowed to make a choice
with consequences great.

They say I am a Lady now,
with all the trappings that entails,
but I have only trapped myself;
the choice made in my youth.
You promised status, fame, and wealth,
and all the things a child wants;
you never lied, but then again,
you never told the truth.

Oh wide, eyes nothing see at all,
but sink into a future black.
I listen well, but do not speak,
nor sleep, nor drink, nor eat.
I am sustained on faith alone--
I live, but am not satisfied;
I hear, but cannot comprehend;
advise with rank deceit.

Day after day, I contemplate
the myst'ries mortal and divine
to isolate that righteous song
from out this whisp'ring hiss.
Did you not know what I would hear--
tormented screams of damnèd souls?
so ever why did you see fit
to bring me into this?

The voices of that gilded choir,
who ought be with me even now,
I cannot hear and never have;
they're caught inside my throat.
Am I to blame? You said they'd come
the moment I assumed my role.
Is it my fault, unworthy waif;
have I caused them to choke?

My duty's done with pure intent
despite I haven't any choice:
this chain that hangs around my neck
may never be removed.
You claim it shows my sacred rank,
true purpose ever you conceal:
it opens up my mind to you,
to keep me so abused.

I stare into the light and still
there's no one gazing back at me.
I peer into the endless void:
yet once again, there's nothing.
You asked me for a sacrifice
to prove my soul; to weigh its worth--
I gave it freely; got this hell,
exchanged for all my trusting.

YOU ARE ABERTHA, A DAUGHTER OF MINE,
SHADE AND OF LIGHT AND OF ALL OTHER THINGS.
A TERRIBLE STORM BUILT BY DEMONS AND ANGELS AND MEN
APPROACHES RIGHT NOW, ITS COURSE SET AND UNINTERRUPTABLE
YOU MUST SEE YOUR PEOPLE TO SAFETY FROM TERROR AND HATE.
THEY WILL DISTRUST YOU AND FEAR YOU AND MAKE YOU A MARTYR,
YET THEY SHALL OBEY YOUR COMMANDS WHEN YOU LEAD.
MANY ARE DAMNED BUT SURVIVORS WILL LIVE BY YOUR DOING.
QUIET YOUR SPLIT MIND--TO DO WHAT YOU MUST, BE STRONG.
NOW THIS IS YOUR LABOR: THE PEOPLE MUST JOIN THEM
TOGETHER AS SINGULAR FACES OF MORTALS UNITED,
FACING THE DARKNESS, A WHOLE, COMPLETE UNION,
WITH NO ONE ABOVE OR BELOW ANY OTHER,
ALL UNIFIED EQUALLY, COMMON IN DIGNITY,
PEASANTS AND KINGS AS THOUGH ANY TWO MEN.

AND NO ONE BUT YOU, MY ABERTHA, HAS FAITH ENOUGH
TO FOLLOW ON ALL THAT I ASK.
DETHRONE THE LIAR PRINCES;
BRING THEM INTO THE LIGHT, ALL ONE, AS FAMILY
TO SAVE THEM ALL.

(This voice, too strong! But how can ever
such a voice be true?
Is this some new, fell sorcery
that lays me down so low?)

(Your magic's never gone so far,
but not one single moment do I trust
my baffled head against--)

(Oh, what is this awful assault?
I am not whom you -- oh!)

[unintelligible]

(But hold, what's this-- command?
"Dethrone"; I'm not a knave;
I won't be party to rebellion.)

(What is a liar-prince, and how
am I to know what I can do?
I am not fit to undertake this task.)

(Go not; I need your help!
I am only a girl, far too broken
to be a leader.)

(Am I alone?
No.
Never.)

I am a shell, but not alone;
I'll see the liars overthrown,
and claim my rightful throne.
By King of Kings, I am condoned;
I'll hew an empire from the stone
and make this ruined land my own.

[Vaynor]

Iron Poet XIX: Round 3

Dr. Bwaa vs. TheWombatofDoom: Ward, Inevitable
Benthesquid vs. Amidus Drexel: Trace, Glory

Deadline: Wednesday, March 5th 2014 at 11:59 pm (EST).

[Dr Bwaa]

Vaynor, This is the same basic idea as round 1, yes?

[Vaynor]

Yes, sorry. It's the same concept. Two prompts, both of which must be included in your poem.

The deadline has been extended to Wednesday, March 5th.

[Dr Bwaa]

The deadline has been extended to Wednesday, March 5th.

This is the best news I've ever heard.* I'm going to be at a wedding all weekend and I was super worried about getting something good enough to beat Wombat done by Thursday
*Not quite.

[Benthesquid]

Prompts: Trace, Glory

Love and Ragnarök

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Trace a white arc
Across all the nine skies
And burn in the Great White Sea
(And think of me).

Scorch the heavens,
With your wild dancing
And make the moon glow red-hot
(But think of me).

Let the earth shake
And all chains be broken
And all prophecies fulfilled,
(And come to me).

Your name will sound
Your name will be sung out
It shall be remembered
(It shall be remembered
I shall remember your name
And that nations of the Earth
Shall remember your name
And the quick and the dead
Shall both remember your name
When you lie with me beneath the earth)

[Dr Bwaa]

Prompt: Ward, Inevitable

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Inevitable

Cry, cry! Was all you did, for weeks, it seemed,
when first we took you home. Asleep, you dreamed
your Mother, gone yet so much closer than
the cautious arms of this unfamiliar man.
But once the crying slowed, and you could start
to grow us space within your tender heart,
and welcome us as like to parents as
a child without may ever truly have,
then tears of loss grew into joyful smiles
which bathed the land for many hundred miles
in happy freedom, light of soul and wild,
so nowhere could be found a heart unmild.

With greatest haste, year after year sped past;
the music played by Time was tuned to you.
You learned to run, to dance and sing; you laughed
with no restraint. The world was yours, you knew.
And what a sorry state if you got hurt,
the tear-dew sprang to our eyes as your own;
we'd kneel to pick you up, but in the dirt
you'd stay, for having found a pretty stone,
the fall was long since banished from your mind.
You played with friends so gleefully; we heard
with wonder stories of how you aligned
a horde of children in some cause absurd.

Yet none may pause the onward thrust of Time,
that leads you onward, growing faster yet:
more distant from us you become; you hide
your play from elder eyes, no longer tell
us truths at once, but always know that here,
there's love for you that cannot ever die.
The time will come when all the things of youth
cannot be made to satisfy your wants,
so off you'll go, a new experience
awaits! Greet with a smile the light of each
new day! You'll kiss and laugh and fall in love,
and we'll still be here when you need to cry.

Spoiler: Post-Judging Comments

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For some reason, this concept came to me right away. My original intent was to write a coming-of-age story from a parent's perspective, but I was afraid that it wouldn't have a strong enough tie to "ward", since it's archaic at best to use that word to refer to your own child. So, I changed the focus to an adopted child: no less the child of the narrator, but a better fit for the prompt.

It also gave me the added benefit of being able to play around with the theme a little more: in a piece titled "Inevitable" that begins with an adoption, you'd be forgiven for expecting that the "inevitable" plot arc would revolve around the child discovering his/her adoption and possibly his/her biological parents. But of course that meta-inevitability never materializes.

[Amidus Drexel]

I will probably be using my extension on this one - I've a bunch of stuff due friday and not nearly enough time to work on them.

[TheWombatOfDoom]

My apologies to DrBwaa and my fellow contestants and judges for not getting my poem in this round. Lots of things have been happening lately, most of which I'll primarily talk about via PM if you're interested. Suffice it to say, this will not be my last Iron Poet. Thank you for the challenge, and continued outlet for creativity! It's been fun, and I can only hope next time doesn't end this way.

[Amidus Drexel]

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Twas the night before Solstice, and all through the glen
Not a creature was stirring; not fox, hare, nor wren.
The symbols were traced by the altar with care
In hopes that the old ones soon would be there

The children were painted and sent off to their beds
With visions of conquest and war in their heads
The druids in their robes, and I in my cloak
Had just readied sacrifices whose lives we would choke

When deep in the forest there arose such a clatter
I stormed out of the glen to see what was the matter
Away to the treeline I flew like a bird
Brandished my torch and screamed holy words

My fire o’er the dusting of the new-fallen snow
Gave the traveler before me a sudden look of woe
When, what to his wondering eyes should appear
But a high priest of Taranis who aimed to strike fear!

He was chubby and plump, a wonderful prize
And I laughed when I saw him and the fear in his eyes!
A wink of my eye and a twist of my head
Soon gave him to know he was soon to be dead

He spoke not a word, but dejectedly sighed
And away we all took him to the altar to die
But I heard him exclaim, ere we snuffed out his life
“Glory to Mars, and to you a good night!”

He was dressed all in furs, from his head to his foot
But after he burned all was was ashes and soot
The traces he left were spread by the wind
And perhaps some day he’ll die here again…

Credit to Clement Clarke Moore for the original poem, "Twas the Night before Christmas"

[truemane]

I'm going to get my judgments done this weekend.

Thank you for your continued patience.

[Alarra]

I'm going to get my judgments done this weekend.

Me too.

[PsyBomb]

Just found this thread and read through it, this is incredible! I haven't competed in poetry in a few years, since Second Life was big, so I'll be throwing my hat into the ring for XX when it comes around. I look forward to seeing the judgments for this round and the poems for the final.

[Alarra]

Hey...the forums are back. Here you go then!

Judgments:

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Dr. Bwaa vs. TheWombatofDoom: Ward, Inevitable

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Dr. Bwaa:

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I enjoyed this. The tie to the prompt was clear and well realized. The emotion and story came through well. I had some issue with the rhythm of the piece as at times certain lines felt clunky and the flow was at times interrupted. I think this difficulty came from the fact that each section used a different rhyming scheme. It made it hard to find a consistent rhythm throughout. Overall, very good work though.

The Wombat of Doom:

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No poem.

Verdict:

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Dr. Bwaa by default

Benthesquid vs. Amidus Drexel: Trace, Glory

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Benthesquid:

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This is an interesting piece. I don’t feel the connection to the ‘trace’ prompt as well as I would like. I feel like I’d like the story to be a little clearer. The first three stanzas were lovely. I enjoyed the imagery and the last lines’ repetitive quality enhanced the rhythm and flow. This fell apart in the final stanza and I wish that you’d found a way to finish telling the story in the same rhythm as you started it. I think it would have been more effective. The length of the last stanza and the sheer number of times you used ‘remember’ in it, made it clunky and difficult to read. I did like the idea behind this however and overall this was a good poem.

Amidus Drexel:

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I really enjoyed this. I found it a clever parody and found the story you were telling interesting. You had some great lines and evoked the imagery well. The contradiction of using the a cheerful Christmas poem to write about death and sacrifice was really great. I had a bit of confusion in the 4th stanza when the perspective shifted from the original and then it took me a second to sort out if the description in the next stanza was of the traveler or the priest. It was clear on subsequent readings though, so perhaps it was just me. The line “Soon gave him to know he was soon to be dead” is clunky and unwieldy to read. Overall though, very nice and enjoyable.

Verdict:

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There’s clearly good writing in both of these and you’re both talented and worthy of going to the finals, but I’m going to go with Amidus Drexel. The story was better realized and I found it a very clever piece.

[Targ Collective]

Hmm. I haz mad poetry skillz. How do I sign up? That doesn't seem to be clear...