Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

[Sholos]

not enough info... do you keep in touch or do you sit waiting for them to look for you?

I try to. Eventually I get fatigued with being the only person to be reaching out.

[Knaight]

What do you do when you find yourself never hanging out with your "friends", never talking to them, and in general never seeing anyone beyond the workplace? I've tried branching out to different places, doesn't seem to make any difference. No one has time for me and every evening is spent sitting at home wondering why I'm so worthless. What makes it worse is that one of my roommates is friends with a good deal of my friend circle and is frequently talking and hanging out with them.

It depends on the reason. If you're not reaching out and not responding to being reached out to, then just reaching out can do this. I have a friend like that - sometimes he just goes into hermit-mode for a few months, then reaches out and goes and does something. It works for him.

In your case, it sounds like you are reaching out. In that case, I'd recommend trying to meet new people somehow. Find some sort of existing organized group which does things you're interested in; join it. This can be anything from volunteering to organized hobby groups.

[Serpentine]

Quick advice needed for a friend.
Have two friends, were dating. She uses me for advice, he uses me for consolation. She broke up with him, got a new boyfriend about a month later. He's not coping well, especially when they're together, feels betrayed, angry.
She's going overseas soon. He has organised a going away party for her. She is uncomfortable, feels it is inappropriate. She wants to know what to do. Help?

[Ursus the Grim]

Quick advice needed for a friend.
Have two friends, were dating. She uses me for advice, he uses me for consolation. She broke up with him, got a new boyfriend about a month later. He's not coping well, especially when they're together, feels betrayed, angry.
She's going overseas soon. He has organised a going away party for her. She is uncomfortable, feels it is inappropriate. She wants to know what to do. Help?

There's the concern.

How big is this party? Will she be snubbing many of her friends if she skips it? I would advise her to skip it, even speaking as a betrayed, angry bloke myself.

Its entirely possible that he doesn't mean anything by it, except perhaps trying to get some closure and send her off on a high note.

Its most plausible that it won't work that well.

What was the planning process for this party? Did he bother to ask your opinion, or that of any other mutual friends? Or was it him stalking her social media and telling you "I'm gonna bake her a cake and invite her over."

[Coidzor]

Quick advice needed for a friend.
Have two friends, were dating. She uses me for advice, he uses me for consolation. She broke up with him, got a new boyfriend about a month later. He's not coping well, especially when they're together, feels betrayed, angry.
She's going overseas soon. He has organised a going away party for her. She is uncomfortable, feels it is inappropriate. She wants to know what to do. Help?

Inappropriate because it's he that has organized it or inappropriate because she thinks going away parties are inappropriate?

I suppose she should've stated from the get-go that she didn't want a going away party in the case of the latter. Uh. How much time between now and the party's proposed date is there? Because that determines whether she'll have to smooth anything over with people who had assumed this had her blessing since it'd been planned for long enough for them to have committed and taken time out to go or if she'll just have to take some effort to ensure that everyone she cares about knows it's been called off.

I suppose she might deliver some variation of "We're not friends, we never will be friends, goodbye," to the bloke.

Maybe send a message out to her friends along the lines of "So, my [denigrating epithet] ex-boyfriend is being a [wossname; denigrating term for ex-boyfriends, clingy little female dog, maybe? One of the C words?] and trying to get back into my [Australian/Kiwi for women's underwear]/good graces by throwing me a going away party. Sorry about that. Anyway, I'm definitely not going, as a heads up in case he tries to contact you about trying to guilt-trip me into attending, and told him to cancel. Also, please be advised against cooperating with any attempts at making it into a surprise unwanted going away party."

Failing that, I suppose she could ask him "What's all this then?" or ask him what he's on about. Maybe having a conversation. Revealing that this gesture is unwanted and sets off several alarm bells that make her uncomfortable. Generally acting like mature adults instead of people who used to boink one another and now do not.

[Chen]

Has she told him that she feels the party is inappropriate and that she doesn't want it? If so and the person is still trying to throw it, well they're a douchebag. But if they don't know, its hard to fault them for trying to do something generally considered reasonable.

The suggestion, as is the case in many relationship issues; communication. Get her to tell him how she feels about said party.

[Amaril]

So, following up on my last request for advice, and after some independent reflection, I ended the thing that was going on. I've never been in that position before. I handled it as nicely as I know how, and I'm pretty sure I did everything right, but I still feel awful for hurting her, and just empty and lonely in general. Is it normal to feel like that, even when you know it wasn't going to work and had to end?

[Coidzor]

So, following up on my last request for advice, and after some independent reflection, I ended the thing that was going on. I've never been in that position before. I handled it as nicely as I know how, and I'm pretty sure I did everything right, but I still feel awful for hurting her, and just empty and lonely in general. Is it normal to feel like that, even when you know it wasn't going to work and had to end?

You wouldn't be the first and you won't be the last. It's not an automatic feeling but it is reasonably common.

[RabbitHoleLost]

So, following up on my last request for advice, and after some independent reflection, I ended the thing that was going on. I've never been in that position before. I handled it as nicely as I know how, and I'm pretty sure I did everything right, but I still feel awful for hurting her, and just empty and lonely in general. Is it normal to feel like that, even when you know it wasn't going to work and had to end?

Sometimes, the healthiest choices we make for ourselves hurt.
It hurts to run. It hurts to work out.
In this way, too, it hurts to end a relationship in most circumstances

In the many relationships I've been in, I've been the dumper a majority of the time and, with few exceptions, I've felt guilty after each one. I've felt awful, like I wasted their time and hurt them in the process
But, as with all romantic entanglements (and pains from exercising), it gets better with time

[Coidzor]

The girl I was thinking about asking out to coffee just posted that she has tonsilitis, of all things. :/

[Crow]

The girl I was thinking about asking out to coffee just posted that she has tonsilitis, of all things. :/

Sounds like a good opportunity to ask her out to ice cream instead.

[dehro]

Sounds like a good opportunity to ask her out to ice cream instead.

Or bring her some... And a movie or two

[Coidzor]

Sounds like a good opportunity to ask her out to ice cream instead.

Well, after she has her tonsils out, sure. I think right now she's in a hot chicken soup kind of mood. That or curling up at home until she can go in and have things get taken care of.

Or bring her some... And a movie or two

One step at a time, I only just got her email address to add her to some google docs we're using for the game. If I thought she was ready to just give me her address if I asked I'd probably have tonsilitis as well now.

[dehro]

True, but the promise of icecream may just be the perfect innocent opportunity to get her address... Which beyond being practical is a way to increase familiarity

[Feytalist]

Well now.

I recently met a lovely young lady, and we've been texting ever since. Unfortunately, events have conspired to keep us from meeting up again, even though we're both agreeable. She's just had her vacation, and now I'm on mine for the next week or so. This is annoying, but I'm also worried that we might lose momentum. So to speak.

Hmm. A new years party is not the best first date, is it.

[sktarq]

Hmm. A new years party is not the best first date, is it.

Having been invited or been to now three wedding were their first "date" was a new years party I would say rather the opposite.

Coid-use the fact that you can't kiss her as joke material. It helps diffuse tension of going to her place if that makes you feel better.

[Coidzor]

Having been invited or been to now three wedding were their first "date" was a new years party I would say rather the opposite.

Definitely depends on the New Years party. And being clear about being a date.

And if you can get together and do date-like things together before the party or if you have to meet up at the party itself.

And if the other person is down for a bit of New Years Ball Dropping Smooching or ducking out after the ball drops to get some one on one time.

Coid-use the fact that you can't kiss her as joke material. It helps diffuse tension of going to her place if that makes you feel better.

Well, transportation is also an issue, since she lives just outside of town on the east side of town and by town I mean two towns that grew together and I live out past the outskirts of the west side of the larger of the two town and I lack a vehicle of my own at the moment. So while I can navigate to meet up with her at any major place within the two towns, it'd require calling in a favor just to get out to her place and so I'd either have my own third wheel along since I wouldn't be able to just borrow the car or manage to negotiate my way into staying the night this early on or something.

So, non-ideal at this point in time, sadly.

[Feytalist]

Having been invited or been to now three wedding were their first "date" was a new years party I would say rather the opposite.

Hmm. If they met at the party, I'd get that. But if they met beforehand and only had their first predesignated date at the party, that must have been some party.

And if you can get together and do date-like things together before the party or if you have to meet up at the party itself.

Not possible, I'm afraid. Or otherwise, some really adept rescheduling must occur. I also need to actually invite her to the party I'm attending. She might know like two other people there.


But I'll keep it in mind, anyway. See how amenable she is. And be rather clear about the whole date part, of course.

[Serpentine]

Regarding my last question, apparently he realised he'd overstepped a mark, asked her about it, then canceled it. Hooray for it not becoming my problem.

New question, both with a particular situation in mind and for general reference: what is the etiquette where one knows a couple, from the same place and at least nominally to the same extent, but you can't stand one of them but would like to be good friends with the other, and you know any invitation to the second is by extension also to the first?

[Crow]

Regarding my last question, apparently he realised he'd overstepped a mark, asked her about it, then canceled it. Hooray for it not becoming my problem.

New question, both with a particular situation in mind and for general reference: what is the etiquette where one knows a couple, from the same place and at least nominally to the same extent, but you can't stand one of them but would like to be good friends with the other, and you know any invitation to the second is by extension also to the first?

Deal with it and try to enjoy your friend's company while just tolerating the D-bag.

Or do what I do, which is what I wrote but with the addition of trying to insult the D-bag as much as I can without them realizing it.

[rogueboy]

So, 2 questions to the playground. And I'm aware that this may simply be a manifestation of my anxiety/depression adventures manifesting in exciting (that's a word...) ways.

First, what (if any) signs are there that you're moving from "getting to know one another" to "seeing each other" to "dating" (feel free to add other "levels" to that progression - and I recognize that it's not a clean progression) with someone. We met on OKC, so there's at least an inkling that we're looking both looking for something.

Second (which is related), how does one (who is admittedly anxious in social situations, particularly when I don't know the other person well enough to predict an answer) go about pushing for that. As I'm typing this, I know the answer is "say so," but anxious-me doesn't like that answer. It also doesn't help that I'm not sure if anxious-me is overreacting or if I'm still working on deciding how far I want this to go.

Spoiler: misc info

Show

We've met 3 times over the last 5 weeks or so (scheduling sucks when I'm in class and studying for finals and she works nights), but have been texting pretty regularly (I'd say most days, varying from "how was work?" type things to more banter-type chatting). First time was at a pub to (ostensibly) watch a soccer match; she got there late, we stuck around for a couple hours after the game talking. Second time was a movie with her roommate and roommate's bf (met at her place, and I met both of her roommates), followed by drinks at a bar. Third time was earlier today, she came over and we played cribbage and chatted (minimal content) for a few hours before she had to go to work.

I like spending time with her, and text exchanges put me in a good mood (I realized I had a stupid grin while texting her the other day, which I haven't had in a LONG time). However, I'm not sure if I like her and my anxiety is screwing with me, or if I enjoy her company, and that's it. But that's for me to sort out somewhere down the line.

And none of this is helped by the fact that I'm not really a fan of the holidays (lots of "now what?" since my celebration tends to consist of a movie with my parents), and I'm just starting on a new medication for depression (tomorrow makes a week, which is the earliest I'm expected to see any effects).

Sorry for any rambling to this, I'm writing it as I think of things, so it's not particularly well organized.

[Coidzor]

So, 2 questions to the playground. And I'm aware that this may simply be a manifestation of my anxiety/depression adventures manifesting in exciting (that's a word...) ways.

First, what (if any) signs are there that you're moving from "getting to know one another" to "seeing each other" to "dating" (feel free to add other "levels" to that progression - and I recognize that it's not a clean progression) with someone. We met on OKC, so there's at least an inkling that we're looking both looking for something.

Well, going on several dates is generally a pretty good sign that you're out of the getting to know one another phase and into the "deciding if the other person is significant other material" phase.

You really ought to have gotten confirmation as to what sort of excursions you've been on with this person, though. You either meet up the first time to feel one another out and then decide friends or dating from there or you explicitly go for one or the other from the online correspondence leading up to the first meeting in the flesh.

So, yeah, you have some questions to be asking this person as to their interest and intentions.

Second (which is related), how does one (who is admittedly anxious in social situations, particularly when I don't know the other person well enough to predict an answer) go about pushing for that. As I'm typing this, I know the answer is "say so," but anxious-me doesn't like that answer. It also doesn't help that I'm not sure if anxious-me is overreacting or if I'm still working on deciding how far I want this to go.

Well, you're getting stupid grins over her, so something like "I've really enjoyed spending time with you and I was hoping to make a regular thing of it, so... Go out with me?" seasoned to taste would probably suffice.

[dehro]

yeah.. the stupid grin is a dead giveaway.

[rogueboy]

Well, going on several dates is generally a pretty good sign that you're out of the getting to know one another phase and into the "deciding if the other person is significant other material" phase.

You really ought to have gotten confirmation as to what sort of excursions you've been on with this person, though. You either meet up the first time to feel one another out and then decide friends or dating from there or you explicitly go for one or the other from the online correspondence leading up to the first meeting in the flesh.

So, yeah, you have some questions to be asking this person as to their interest and intentions.

Yeah, the problem is that anxious-me (I'm intentionally using this terminology to distinguish what conscious-me thinks/knows I need to do, and the struggle to actually do it) is really good at getting me to back down. So yes, I probably should have already confirmed how she saw these excursions. But that's should have, and the past, so I need to sort out how to move forward, and overcome anxious-me at this point.

Well, you're getting stupid grins over her, so something like "I've really enjoyed spending time with you and I was hoping to make a regular thing of it, so... Go out with me?" seasoned to taste would probably suffice.

yeah.. the stupid grin is a dead giveaway.

Yeah, conscious-me is aware of this. Now the trick is getting anxious-me to accept that some things actually are as simple as they appear to be.

Thanks for the thoughts, guys. And like I said, probably as much an anxiety/depression presentation as anything, now we get to see how long it takes conscious-me to win

[Coidzor]

Yeah, the problem is that anxious-me (I'm intentionally using this terminology to distinguish what conscious-me thinks/knows I need to do, and the struggle to actually do it) is really good at getting me to back down. So yes, I probably should have already confirmed how she saw these excursions. But that's should have, and the past, so I need to sort out how to move forward, and overcome anxious-me at this point.

Well now we're into the territory of "What did you say?" "How did she respond?" "Were you flirting?" "What were you wearing?" and other questions that make me feel even more uncomfortable to type them out like this.

Or, y'know, asking her. Or shrugging and asking her to go steady and disregarding the past.

Weird she didn't specify or clarify when she agreed to meet some random person she met online, though.

Anyway, have fun storming the castle!

[rogueboy]

Well now we're into the territory of "What did you say?" "How did she respond?" "Were you flirting?" "What were you wearing?" and other questions that make me feel even more uncomfortable to type them out like this.

Or, y'know, asking her. Or shrugging and asking her to go steady and disregarding the past.

Weird she didn't specify or clarify when she agreed to meet some random person she met online, though.

Anyway, have fun storming the castle!

Oh, I always have fun storming the castle! I'm just not always sure which castle I'm supposed to be storming, which can lead to some problems, as you might guess

Yeah, I don't expect analysis of past interactions via the internets. As I'm sure we all know (perhaps too well), that can't end well. The whole "asking" thing is going to have to be the way I go with this, I've just never been very good at it (or so anxious-me and past attempts would have me believe).

[dehro]

Oh, I always have fun storming the castle! I'm just not always sure which castle I'm supposed to be storming, which can lead to some problems, as you might guess

[Coidzor]

I will never understand why people find it amusing to tell others that a girl is single when she is not.

So, yeah. That's a dead end and her friend either deceived me or was somehow misinformed.

[Jon_Dahl]

Just to let you know that my romantic life is going very well nowadays. I'm travelling to Brazil in February for three weeks, and my dream-woman is going to there at the airport waiting for me. We are already planning to spend the rest of our lives together... I have never met her before, but I know she's the One. I'm going to enjoy the biggest carnival in the world, Brazilian hospitality, beaches, sun, great food, historical places and the company of an amazing lady... At first, I was thinking that our age difference is too much, since she's 11 years younger than me, but she's very mature for her age, so I don't worry about it any more.

I'll tell you all about it when I come back in March, of course respecting the privacy of the lady.

[Knaight]

Just to let you know that my romantic life is going very well nowadays. I'm travelling to Brazil in February for three weeks, and my dream-woman is going to there at the airport waiting for me. We are already planning to spend the rest of our lives together... I have never met her before, but I know she's the One. I'm going to enjoy the biggest carnival in the world, Brazilian hospitality, beaches, sun, great food, historical places and the company of an amazing lady... At first, I was thinking that our age difference is too much, since she's 11 years younger than me, but she's very mature for her age, so I don't worry about it any more.

While I obviously hope for the best here, alarm bells are ringing.