Serious Plots 5: No lulz.

[Ionbound]

[Somewhere Awful - Tanya]

Tanya looks around, and then shrugs and says, "Why not?" as she ventures into the intestine. Hopefully, this isn't a horrific mistake!

[Deathkeeper]

Somewhere Awful- Will

Oh boy. Will looks like he's dangerously close to developing an eye-twitch from the sheer levels of "WHAT?!" that he wants to be yelling. But he's just not a very confrontational person, and even now the complete brick wall this imbecile is acting as right now is already cooling him down. He might as well be talking to an empty room for all the help he's getting. Maybe the asinine responses are so terrible that it's calming him down more, simply knowing that the place clearly makes no sense.
"That's not my name, and that doesn't make any sense at all, because a disorder isn't a physical thing, but yeah, sure, I'll stay here. Don't worry about it." he says, putting on his best sincere-but-grumpy face, and he only has to fake that first part!

[Rebonack]

[Somewhere Awful - Tanya]

Into the hall she goes.

The floor makes gross squishing noises, the villi squelching under her feet. Bacteria are crawling everywhere, but Tanya's skin is by no means their favored environment and they shy away from her. Sharps is hopping along on his lil' feet, hanging onto his tail in hopes of keeping it out of the slime.

Soon the disgusting path comes to a fork, one winding off to the east and the other to the south. Both pathways stink, but the southern one stinks more with a sharp scent of acid.

What does she do?

[Somewhere Awful - Will]

"Glad to hear that, Mister Precipice!" the floating virus replies brightly. "I'll see you again soon at your next surgery!"

And with that the creature turns and drifts out of his room.

...at least that issue is done with.

The room looks much as Will remember sit, though all the cabinets he had opened before are now closed.

What does he do?

[Deathkeeper]

Somewhere Awful- Will

Will waits a few moments and sighs before hopping off the bed, whereupon his odd shift in weight distribution draws attention to the tail sticking out of his rear, no matter how spectral it currently is. Will goes white as a sheet, or rather, would if not for the whole fur-aura thing probably blocking some of his apparent skin tone, but without anyone to freak out to a bit of tail-waving and a few minutes of heavy breathing and swearing is enough for him to have his fill.

That settled, Will goes through the cabinets again, just making sure they didn't restock him with any more keys. And he should take a mug for the road. Maybe the bathroom's clear by now and he can take some of that blood. God(s) know(s) that he should probably get a stupid snack before some thing rips out his stomach.

[Rebonack]

[Somewhere Awful - Will]

Just because of that thought they'll probably take his stomach next.

But for now?

Cabinets!

Hey! That weird puzzle box is in the first one. Maybe they brought it back to his room for him? None of the other stuff he was carrying is in here, though. Maybe it's where he left it when he... y'know... stopped living. And as a matter of fact, all the cabinets have different things in them now.

The first had the box, obviously. The second contains a fish bowl full of marbles and the third has a large box full of yellow dish-washing gloves. Maybe some of that stuff will be useful? The tire is still in the middle of the room and the tire-iron appears to have been returned to it.

Or... wait.

No.

The last one was red.

This one is blue.

What does he do?

[Deathkeeper]

Somewhere Awful- Will

Will frowns. Darn, this thing is way more cumbersome than the mugs. He'll take the gloves though. Heck yes for not getting horrible unsanitary fluids on his....fur. Oh, geez.
Will empties out the marbles, deciding that he'll leave it in the hall so it's easy to come back to if the bathroom is all clear and he can sample some of what is apparently money here. After that, he takes the iron, and waits a few minutes before peeking out of his room. He'll head down the hall as before if it's clear.

[Rebonack]

[Somewhere Awful - Will]

Will has acquired-!

Well, a lot of stuff, really.

Just look at all that stuff!

Marbles are sent rolling all over the floor. They appear to be pretty bog-standard marbles. They would probably be useful if Will was being chased by something that has feet. Unfortunately the monster he's probably most concerned about at the moment floats everywhere. The hallway looks exactly as it did before, complete with the door and its totally unhelpful exit sign. It still leads to the paranoid creature's room, but that door seems to have closed on Will!

Oh no!

How will he get out without the mug?

Probably by pulling on that big lever with the clown head atop it that's on his side of the door now too.

Assuming he does so, the door will grind its way open, revealing the paranoid creature's room again. Said creature jumps at the sound and whirls to face him! "Oh, it's you again," it huffs. "And... you're an anxiety disorder? Why didn't you say that before when I asked what you were? You trying to hide something, huh?"

What does he do?

[Deathkeeper]

Somewhere Awful- Will

Will makes a sharp intake of breath, but lets it out slowly, resisting exploding at this creature for somehow thinking that a disorder is something that a person can be.

I didn't because I'm not, and I definitely wasn't at the time. Listen, there was some sort of thing in the bathroom in one of the stalls. Floating, translucent membrane, fangs? You know that guy?" he asks. Will doesn't know, if a nose can talk to him maybe the weird Metroid things do.

[Rebonack]

[Somewhere Awful - Will]

"You are so," the paranoid creature counters. "You have the ears and everything. You just don't have your mask because the doctors haven't removed all those disgusting organs from you yet. How could you stand being stuck inside a skin?"

The monster shudders with revulsion, then stiffens slightly when its smaller head begins whispering to it. It narrows its eyes at Will. "Unless you like wearing organs like some kind of pervert."

Organ wearers are the worst.

At the mention of the floating thing...

"Ugh... There's a morula in there now? How am I supposed to take a shower without getting eaten?" the monster grouses as its smaller head continues whispering. "This is a conspiracy, obviously. If I'm all disgusting and dirty those nurses will be able to make the case that I can't take care of myself! Someone is trying to keep me in the security wing... Hey, listen. If you can kill that morula I'll owe you a favor, okay?"

What does he do?

[Deathkeeper]

Somewhere Awful- Will

Will puts a hand to his head. "Ears?" but he can't actually feel anything, just the vague impression that he might be able to wiggle his ears now? Maybe he's imagining it, the feelings are certainly not where his ears actually are. Much too high.

Oh, but wait a second. Mask? And the tail! That thing! That thing in the waiting room! That's what they think he is!
....crap, that thing was small. And...honestly it was pretty cute, even with the spooky mask. Will doesn't want to be cuddly!

But, ugh, no time for that now. Will waves the accusation away. He isn't even going to bother with that sort of thing.

"I can try, but I don't know much at all about...morulas. All I've got is this tire iron and the stuff in that bathroom, really. Can you even kill one with blunt force?"
He doesn't think he could push it into the ice stall and freeze it like an actual Metroid.

[Rebonack]

[Somewhere Awful - Will]

At the 'ears' comment the paranoid personality disorder just stares at Will blankly as he waves his hands around through his ears. The creature quickly surmises that all those parasitic organs must be messing with the poor disorder's mind. He had heard the doctors talking about that kind of thing before, but he hadn't ever actually seen it himself. Honestly? I makes the creature feel kind of bad for him. But hopefully the doctors will be able to get his neighbor fix up soon.

"I don't know. Maybe? I just know getting eaten by them feels terrible," paranoia replies. "Whenever I found one I just tried to run away."

Obviously that didn't always work.

"Morulas are monsters, don't even bother trying to reason with it. All they care about is feeding and dividing."

...feeding and dividing?

Does that mean there might be more of them in there now?

What does he do?

[Deathkeeper]

Somewhere Awful-Will

Will gulps. Oh, geez. Dividing.
"I don't think I'm cut for killing monsters, but if I see a chance I'll take it, ok?"

[Rebonack]

[Somewhere Awful - Will]

Paranoia brightens considerably, totally oblivious to Will's discomfort. "Great! Once you kill it let me know. I need to get cleaned up."

Then it leans forward and sniffs a few times.

"You could probably stand to take a shower yourself. You smell like blood and infectant."

...of course they would use infectant desanitizer on him when they were operating.

What does he do?

[Deathkeeper]

Somewhere Awful- Will

Will groans a bit, but doesn't comment about that. Instead, he simply heads into the bathroom, wary for ambushes.

[Rebonack]

[Somewhere Awful - Will]

The bathroom looks (and stinks) exactly as Will remembers it, including the fact that the blood shower is still off and the hungry morula is still patrolling around. As soon as the monster spots him it gives a gurgling shriek and rushes toward him like a transparent basketball filled with teeth and death!

It would probably be inadvisable to allow it to latch onto him.

What does he do?

[Deathkeeper]

Somewhere Awful- Will

Well, technically speaking they removed Will's circulatory system, so not really sure what it'll get out of him.

Regardless, will takes up a baseball stance and lashes out with the tire iron as the morula charges. He's not very strong, but the thing is metal.

[Rebonack]

[Somewhere Awful - Will]

Will clobbers the morula! The monster feels solid, rubbery, and tough but really light. It goes tumbling away from him until it bumps into a wall and begins trying to regain its bearings. Will has about fifteen seconds before the monster can reorient itself and lunge at him again!

Apparently it isn't capable of intelligent thought beyond 'sense food eat food.'

What does he do?

[Deathkeeper]

Somewhere Awful- Will

Will runs up and clobbers it again. Maybe it'll do this every time. Stunlock! Stunlock it, Will!

[Ionbound]

[Somewhere Awful - Tanya]

Tanya looks both ways, and when she smells the acid scent coming from the south, she immediately heads east. No point taking unnecessary risks, right?

[Rebonack]

[Somewhere Awful - Will]

Clobber that awful toothy horror! This time around when he brings the tire iron down on the creature it rebounds several times between the floor and the ceiling. Apparently swatting it makes it go flying away from the attack exactly fifteen feet. Which is a pretty darn precise value. It doesn't seem to be sustaining any injury from the impact, none that's obvious anyway, but at the very least it isn't eating Will. That rubbery shell the thing has is taking hits like a champ, though. If only there were some way to make it more brittle...

What does he do?

[Somewhere Awful - Tanya]

Tanya takes the eastern passage, the floor squelching under her feet with each step. Before long she comes to a gross looking sphincter that... might be a door? Next to the fleshy iris there's what looks like a button. Or maybe a boil? Either way, it's a round thing next to the door that can probably be pushed.

What does she do?

[Ionbound]

[Somewhere Awful - Tanya]

Tanya looks at the boil-button, then shrugs and presses it with the bottom end of her IV spear. Hopefully, she'll be out of the way of anything untoward happening.

[Deathkeeper]

Somewhere Awful- Will

Will wants to sigh. The Metroid joke is the answer, isn't it? Well, at least it's easy. Will tries to his it horizontally, aiming for the bathroom stall spitting liquid nitrogen (or whatever it really is).

[Rebonack]

[Somewhere Awful - Tanya]

The disgusting sphincter opens up with a disgusting noise, revealing a normal looking hospital room beyond. Well, more like an examination room than anything else, really. There's a sink built into a counter, several jars of tongue depressors, cotton balls, and lollipops. Three drawers, three cupboards, a locked sharps box with a biohazard symbol on it, and a bed. The walls are decorated with inspirational cat posters.

And in the bed?

In the bed is a vaguely anthropomorphized small intestine. It has a pair of comically large googly eyes and its duodenum appears to be lined with teeth.

The organ is presently sucking at a bowl of... something... on the tray table along side the bed.

When the door opens the... thing... looks up and says, "Hello again nu-"

Then stops.

"You aren't the nurse. Who are you? What are you doing in my room?"

[Somewhere Awful - Will]

Of course the Metroid reference is the answer!

What else would it be?

The morula goes sailing into the freezing stall and swiftly gets frozen solid, thumping to the ground and rolling out onto the floor of the bathroom. Should will clobber the monster again it'll shatter spectacularly! Most of it quickly dissolves away into nothing, but the lumpy red cells remain behind, floating about two feet of the ground and spinning slowly. They're also outlined with a slight gold aura for some reason.

Obviously that's an item pickup.

What does he do?

[Deathkeeper]

Somewhere Awful- Will

Will clobbers the thing to hell and back! K-Crack!

Will isn't sure what to do with those weird cell things. Maybe he'll just move them over to the sink for a while. Easy to remember where that is. He'll stick his head back into the room for a moment.
"Hey, thing's dead. If you want the shower it's probably open."

[Rebonack]

[Somewhere Awful - Will]

Paranoia just sort of... gapes at Will for a while.

"Y-you killed the hungry morula? Already?" he asks, sounding absolutely dumbfounded. His second head begins whispering lies to him again. "No way. No way you killed it already! I've heard they're nearly impossible to smash to death. You're probably just trying to trick me so I get eaten! I'm going to need some proof if you want me to believe you."

Sure is a stubborn thing, isn't he?

What does he do?

[Deathkeeper]

Somewhere Awful- Will

The boy groans loudly and puts on one of the rubber gloves so he can feel less nasty when he picks up the lumpy cells and waves them in Paranoia's face.
"There. These things exploded out of the corpse. You happy?" he demands.

[Ionbound]

[Somewhere Awful - Tanya]

Tanya shrugs and says, "You know what? I have no idea. I'm just trying to get out of here. Sorry for disturbing you."

[Rebonack]

[Somewhere Awful - Will]

Will has acquired a TOTIPOTENT EMBRYONIC STEM CELL(s)! Applying them will cause the user to rapidly regenerate back to their present level of health for four rounds! That all sounds like game-y nonsense and it's likely Will has absolutely no idea how he's aware of the above information.

This place is absolutely insane.

When paranoia sees the clump of cells both he and his little head gasp. The critter then crawls under his bed and returns shortly there after with a green tote bag. "Here! I want you to have this since I've got an extra I keep my own stuff in."

Yay for tote bags?

"And I owe you a favor now! Thanks a ton! Umm... Precipice, right?" paranoia says as he offers the bag to Will. "I'll go take my shower right now. You can use it after I'm done."

And with that the creature will bound away toward the normal-water spraying shower to clean himself up.

What does Will do?

[Somewhere Awful - Tanya]

Sharps comes bounding into the room and lets out his breath with a sharp gasp, panting for air. No idea how he does that without lungs. Or how he does anything without lungs for that matter. He's just a floating brain with a vaguely transparent body after all. The intestine glances between the both of them, the surface of the organ now clearly wriggling with giant hookworms now that one looks closer. Giant in this case is a few inches long, making the organ appear hairy.

Thankfully they aren't giant giant hookworms.

"There IS no out of here," the intestine deadpans. "The Hospital is all there is."

"That isn't true!" Sharps insists once he's done breathing. "I've been trying to escape ever since I ended up here. And my friend Tanya can even remember what it's like outside!"

What does Tanya do?

[Deathkeeper]

Somewhere Awful- Will

"Oh, thanks. It's Will, though."
He actually is genuinely grateful about this one. A bag is useful, especially given that he doesn't even have pockets. Will happily starts putting stuff in the bag while he waits for Paranoia to finish up. He does so in the bathroom, though, because he doesn't want the fellow to think he was messing with his cans or whatever.

[Solidarity]

Spoiler: Jerlynfran

Show

Wizard's Field

Jerlynfran sees the discordance beginning to rise and decides to put a stop to it here and now.

The Brown wizard speaks gently, but his voice is surprisingly powerful.
Cleosopha, Haldavyr, and Aeturnius, we are the Stormguard, Eliminators of Evil Magic, nyor, Defenders of the Weak, and we are going to be looked upon as a beacon of hope and wisdom.

Yes, we are going to build a tower with magic. A tower to last through the ages.
You will not be required to call it anything beyond "The Tower," or "Home."

Suscipio, there is more to you than meets the golden eye, I would think, eh?
I apologize for any offense we have caused you...
Cleosopha, we are a group of old fuddy-duddies, hmm? We will need your young mind if we are to stay relevant.
Nyor!
Exactly what I was thinking...
Haldavyr, leader of our Order, I know your love of tradition, and I will do my best to uphold it where it serves a purpose.
Do not force beliefs on others. It never ends well...

Nyor?

Ah yes, The Tower.

It will be constructed entirely from magic, using what we have at our disposal.
I will create the outside of the tower with all of its white stone.
Haldavyr will use his influence over metal and fire to seal the stones with ore and provide lasting light sources for the interior.
Aeturnius, or however it's said, you can use your influence over time to speed the process, no?
Or slow the aging of The Tower? Hmm?
Cleosopha, your talents focus around Nature and Song, eh?
How would you like to help?

[Wizards' Field]

((New name, new text color. It's how I roll.))

Try as he might, Suscipio can't help but chuckle as Jerlynfran addresses him. There was something about the old man, something comforting, genuine. It did well to drench any growing embers of dissonance in the chronomancer.

"Aeturnius it is then. This would make the third time I have been presented an honor-name. Thank you." he says, turning to the red wizard. At the apology, the man will uncomfortably wave it off to reply. "Think nothing of it, friend. I am beginning to understand slightly more."

Might as well test out the staff a bit. he muses internally.

Gripping the staff, and giving it a few good, measuring movements to feel the weight, he'll address the group.

"Indeed I can. Allow me to speed things up a bit."

Aeturnius flourishes the staff as he glows, a bright golden hue permeating the area. The wizards might find that everything seems clearer to them. They might think much more rapidly, able to utilize their magic more quickly and so forth. Physical movement may also follow suit, unless otherwise magically hindered.