List of Mostly Useless Magic Items

[Mrmox42]

Steady candle: A magic candle that cannot be blown out by Wind, draft etc. Only the person who lighted the candle can blow it out. The light will always be extinguished if immersed in water or something similar.

[goto124]

What about my bare hands?

[Kd7sov]

What about my bare hands?

I imagine your bare hands would be extinguished if immersed in water or something similar, yes.

[DataNinja]

Ring of Stony Silence: Makes you as silent as a statue by petrifying you and all of your other equipment until the ring is removed.

[EvanescentHero]

Ring of Stony Silence: Makes you as silent as a statue by petrifying you and all of your other equipment until the ring is removed.

Unfortunately, "all of your other equipment" includes the ring you just put on.

[jkat718]

Unfortunately, "all of your other equipment" includes the ring you just put on.

No, "other" equipment as in all of the other equipment you have... other than the ring.

[AgentPaper]

I imagine your bare hands would be extinguished if immersed in water or something similar, yes.

Ah, the good 'ol Reddit switcher...wait, where am I? What year is this?

[Mrmox42]

What about my bare hands?

The Candle will also be extinguished if immersed in bare hands.

[Joe the Rat]

But is strangely immune to being snuffed out by bear hands. Unless the one who lit it was a bear, in which case it implodes before the situation gets any sillier.

[Mrmox42]

Pointy Shoes of Usefullness: This footwear seems to be nothing more than a pair of gaudy and colourful – and very pointy – pointy shoes. However, when the command word is spoken, the points of the shoes elongate and stretch and can grasp small objects (no larger than a Dagger) and hand them up to the wearer of the Shoes, thus removing the unpleasant necessity of personally bending down and picking it up.
Stylish and brilliant.

[Mrmox42]

Beginner's Crystal Ball: A device made for training new Diviners. The size of the Beginner's Crystal Balls vary from thimble-sized to football-sized, but their abilities are the same. Beginner's Crystal Balls works excactly like an ordinary Crystal Ball, but only has a range of 10 feet.

[Mrmox42]

Carpet of Household Cleaning: This is actually no carpet at all, but a living creature, that looks exactly like a slightly weathered carpet. Most of the time (about 20 hours a day), the Carpet lies dormant, sleeping so heavily, that it doesn't even feel if somebody stands on it. When awake, mostly at night when all is dark, the Carpet will slowly shuffle around, feeding on dust, grease stains and all small organic Waste, that it can find on the floor. If somebody turns on the lights, it will lie completely still, and thus some people may actually own a Carpet of Household Cleaning and not even realise it (though they may wonder at the generally clean state of their floors).
The inoffensive Carpet can only move across relatively flat surfaces, but may, if hungry, be able to climb a set of stairs, though this would take it several hours, as it moves very slowly.
The Carpet is no threat to most living creatures, as it is extremely easy to move out of its way. It will not take on creatures larger than itself, or creatures that push it away.
Dead people may be consumed by a Carpet. This will take a couple of days, and the Carpet will then regurgitate all non-digestible matter that the dead person wore. This may explain some mysterious disappearances.
Carpets come in the size from 1 foot across (Very Young) to about 10x20 feet (for Very Old specimens).
Carpets of Household Cleaning can become quite old, up to about 600 years of age.

[Shining Wrath]

Ring of Stony Silence: Makes you as silent as a statue by petrifying you and all of your other equipment until the ring is removed.

That's not completely useless. Have all but druid climb into bag of holding, put on rings. Druid shapechanges into swimming form, grasps BoH, swims down to underwater lair where the magical air / water breathing is, dumps out BoH, removes rings.

[TurboGhast]

That's not completely useless. Have all but druid climb into bag of holding, put on rings. Druid shapechanges into swimming form, grasps BoH, swims down to underwater lair where the magical air / water breathing is, dumps out BoH, removes rings.

That is why this the thread of mostly useless magic items.

[goto124]

Stolen from another thread:

Belt of Opening
It can cast knock three times a day, but only on itself. The command word is, "Behold!"

[Easy_Lee]

:Belt of Opening
It can cast knock three times a day, but only on itself. The command word is, "Behold!"

That's just wonderful.

[JAL_1138]

Locket of Undying Memory: Any sufficiently small inanimate objects (very small portrait, dried flower, spell components, etc.) placed in this small gold locket will never be damaged by the passage of time, exposure to the elements, or any other means whatsoever, magical or nonmagical, so long as the contents remain within it while it is closed. The locket itself has an AC of 25, 30HP, and a damage threshold of 30, below which it is unharmed (see DMG p. 246-247, "Damaging an Object"). Spell components cannot be consumed while inside the closed locket, and the spell relying on them will fail unless the locket is opened and/or the components removed. The current contents are a lock of jet-black hair that smells faintly of sulphur, tied with a ribbon made from a torn strip of white linen cloth, and a tear-stained note (apparently written hurriedly) in Abyssal, which reads "I'm sorry, my love."

[Mrmox42]

Locket of Undying Memory

Nice

Belt of Opening

Sure to cause some embarrassing moments

[goto124]

Sure to cause some embarrassing moments

Considering the command word, you'll have to be intentionally trying to 'show off' if the belt opens itself.

Meaning it's for that kind of people to begin with

@V *snort* Bwahahaha

[Cazero]

Considering the command word, you'll have to be intentionally trying to 'show off' if the belt opens itself.

Meaning it's for that kind of people to begin with

What, you don't use the "Behold my superior swordmanship !" line before swinging your greatsword around?

[Feddlefew]

Carpet of Household Cleaning: This is actually no carpet at all, but a living creature, that looks exactly like a slightly weathered carpet. Most of the time (about 20 hours a day), the Carpet lies dormant, sleeping so heavily, that it doesn't even feel if somebody stands on it. When awake, mostly at night when all is dark, the Carpet will slowly shuffle around, feeding on dust, grease stains and all small organic Waste, that it can find on the floor. If somebody turns on the lights, it will lie completely still, and thus some people may actually own a Carpet of Household Cleaning and not even realise it (though they may wonder at the generally clean state of their floors).
The inoffensive Carpet can only move across relatively flat surfaces, but may, if hungry, be able to climb a set of stairs, though this would take it several hours, as it moves very slowly.
The Carpet is no threat to most living creatures, as it is extremely easy to move out of its way. It will not take on creatures larger than itself, or creatures that push it away.
Dead people may be consumed by a Carpet. This will take a couple of days, and the Carpet will then regurgitate all non-digestible matter that the dead person wore. This may explain some mysterious disappearances.
Carpets come in the size from 1 foot across (Very Young) to about 10x20 feet (for Very Old specimens).
Carpets of Household Cleaning can become quite old, up to about 600 years of age.

*Yoink*

[JAL_1138]

Carpet of Household Cleaning: This is actually no carpet at all, but a living creature, that looks exactly like a slightly weathered carpet. Most of the time (about 20 hours a day), the Carpet lies dormant, sleeping so heavily, that it doesn't even feel if somebody stands on it. When awake, mostly at night when all is dark, the Carpet will slowly shuffle around, feeding on dust, grease stains and all small organic Waste, that it can find on the floor. If somebody turns on the lights, it will lie completely still, and thus some people may actually own a Carpet of Household Cleaning and not even realise it (though they may wonder at the generally clean state of their floors).
The inoffensive Carpet can only move across relatively flat surfaces, but may, if hungry, be able to climb a set of stairs, though this would take it several hours, as it moves very slowly.
The Carpet is no threat to most living creatures, as it is extremely easy to move out of its way. It will not take on creatures larger than itself, or creatures that push it away.
Dead people may be consumed by a Carpet. This will take a couple of days, and the Carpet will then regurgitate all non-digestible matter that the dead person wore. This may explain some mysterious disappearances.
Carpets come in the size from 1 foot across (Very Young) to about 10x20 feet (for Very Old specimens).
Carpets of Household Cleaning can become quite old, up to about 600 years of age.

*Yoink*

*Also yoink*

This would be fantastic in a murder mystery plot.

[Mrmox42]

Ear Trumpet of Listening: A very large and ornate hearing aid, fashioned directly from the horn of a great wooly Rhinocerous. The Ear Trumpet is quite heavy, weighing in at about 30 pounds, and the user needs both hands to be able to hold it up to the ear for any length of time.
When the Ear Trumpet is put to the ear, it gives a +1 bonus on Listening attempts. It may also be used as an Improvised Weapon, though you still need both hands to be able to apply it effectively.

[Mrmox42]

Deck of Throwing Cards: These magical playing cards can be thrown in the same way as throwing weapons. After being thrown, the Cards will be bend and broken and can thus only be used once.
Damage: 1 point. (Ouch! Papercut!)
Range: 10 feet.

Special effects:
Take a real deck of playing cards. Keep Jokers. When you throw a Card from the Deck of Thowing Cards, shuffle your real deck, pick a card and consult the table below, wether you hit or not. After that, discard the spend card seperately, so that it may not be used again.

Card: Effect:

2 Healing Card. The target takes no damage and heals 1 hit point, if hit.
3 Dud. The Card does no damage
4 Weak Card. If the target is hit, roll a D6. On a 1-3, the target takes 1 hit point damage. On a 4-6 the target takes no damage.
5-10 Normal magic Card. The target takes normal damage, if hit.
Jack Knockover Card. The target, if hit, must make a DC 8 Dex Save or be knocked Prone.
Queen Beguiling Card. The target, if hit, must make a DC 8 Wis Save or be Charmed for one round.
King Knock out Card! The target, if hit, must make a DC 8 Con Save or be Stunned for one round.
Ace Powercard! The Card does 2 points of damage!
Joker Mad Card. If the target is hit, roll a D6. On a 1-3, the target gets enraged and get a bonus +1 attack for one round. On a 4-6 the target is affected by the Tashas Laughter Spell for one round – no Save.

[Mrmox42]

Dwarf of Grumpyness: A small, 3inch tall figurine looking like a sturdy and very grumpy dwarf. The fugurine is extremely well made and is contructed of the finest materials. It is obviously very valuable, but its real value lies in its magical proporties. When a person carries the Dwarf of Grumpyness (such as in his backpack) he will become Attuned with it, and this will activate its powers.
When a person is Attuned to the Dwarf of Grumpyness, his mood will go dour. He will complain about everything (the weather, young people today, elves and so on) and he will get a craving for strong ale and ripe cheese. He will tend to answer in grunts or monosyllables and will continuously grumble under his breath.
This will cause the Attuned person to have a -2 on all social interaction skill rolls, unless it is with Dwarves. If interacting with Dwarves, the person will recieve a +2 bonus instead.

[JAL_1138]

Dwarf of Grumpyness: A small, 3inch tall figurine looking like a sturdy and very grumpy dwarf. The fugurine is extremely well made and is contructed of the finest materials. It is obviously very valuable, but its real value lies in its magical proporties. When a person carries the Dwarf of Grumpyness (such as in his backpack) he will become Attuned with it, and this will activate its powers.
When a person is Attuned to the Dwarf of Grumpyness, his mood will go dour. He will complain about everything (the weather, young people today, elves and so on) and he will get a craving for strong ale and ripe cheese. He will tend to answer in grunts or monosyllables and will continuously grumble under his breath.
This will cause the Attuned person to have a -2 on all social interaction skill rolls, unless it is with Dwarves. If interacting with Dwarves, the person will recieve a +2 bonus instead.

...I think I have this thing IRL, except it works with grognards rather than dwarves.

[Mrmox42]

...I think I have this thing IRL, except it works with grognards rather than dwarves.

I know just what you mean

[Mrmox42]

Shield of Holyness: This mighty looking defensive implement is a +2 Shield. Unfortunately, it has quite a few holes in it. These holes has been hidden with Illusions, so that the shield appears whole and, indeed, unholed. When somebody attacks the person using the Shield, roll a D6. On a roll of 1-3 the Shield works normally, providing it’s AC bonus. On a roll of 4-6, however, an Invisible hole has been hit, and the user of the Shield gets none of it’s defensive bonuses, and instead suffers a total of -2 on AC.

[goto124]

Is it Shield of Holeyness? Or Shield of Holeiness?

[Mrmox42]

Is it Shield of Holeyness? Or Shield of Holeiness?

You decide