List of Mostly Useless Magic Items

[Mrmox42]

Despite the name, the weapon itself isn't very amusing

True, it's a mean tool. I wonder where the 'ear spoon' comes from? I mean, did they train combat moves that centeret around peoples ears?

[JAL_1138]

True, it's a mean tool. I wonder where the 'ear spoon' comes from? I mean, did they train combat moves that centeret around peoples ears?

"Humorous" euphemisms were a thing, as with the "Swedish drink" (an unbelievably foul torture method with an innocuous name)...an ear spoon is a small tool for cleaning earwax (still used in some places; you can buy them on Amazon), so it was a "Bohemian earspoon" in the exact same way that some gigantic American knives are "Arkansas toothpicks."

[Mrmox42]

an ear spoon is a small tool for cleaning earwax

Good Lord, my wife has one of these (she's from Nepal. They use them a lot there). I never saw the connection.

[Mrmox42]

an ear spoon is a small tool for cleaning earwax

Good Lord, my wife has one of these (she's from Nepal. They use them a lot there). I never saw the connection.

Bohemian Earspoon of Bodily Cleansing: When the proper command Word is spoken, this +1 polearm can be used to clean yourself of all filth and dirt. Even the tiniest bodily crevices (such as an ear) can be cleaned with this mighty, yet gentle, piece of weaponry.

One session of bodily cleansing takes a Short Rest and leaves your body perfectly clean.

(Pardon the double message. My Internet was acting up)

[pseudodragon]

Ring of T wishes - gaudy gold pinky ring, appears to be a ring of wishes, when activated, regardless of what is requested, summons Mr. T who declares he pities the fool who took his ring, beats the wearer senseless, takes back his ring and is picked up by several heavy armed ex-military goons in a cube van. They drive of into the sunset to iconic theme music. Attempts to prevent this effect result in the interference of the persons from the cube van in an escalating nature based on the strength of the opposition (small arms fire, assault rifle fire, rocket launcher fire, attack helicopter, tanks and so on).


Vest of Mr. Rogers - The vest Mr. Rogers wore, the primary effect of the item is that those who see it understand the social context of the item, regardless of setting. As a secondary effect anyone wearing it of a good alignment who is at risk of committing an evil (or just being crass) act gets to be reminded they are wearing Mr. Rogers vest, would he approve? Paladins of good alignment are then asked "Are you sure?". Any sensation of distant disappointment in you choosing to be a jerk anyway is a coincidence.

the ring- great idea!

the vest- that would actually be useful for some players i know...

to contribute:
ring of cantrip:
once per day, the wearer can cast the spell cantrip.

[JAL_1138]

th
to contribute:
ring of cantrip:
once per day, the wearer can cast the spell cantrip.

Hey, at low level, that thing frees up a spell slot for Sleep or Color Spray and still lets you have Cantrip ready for the occasional bit of chicanery. Any of my 2e wizards or bards would've wanted one.

*Schrödinger's barrel of monkeys: Appears to be an ordinary shipping-barrel. Contains either 10 live monkeys or 10 dead monkeys, determined only when opened (roll 1d2: 1 = dead, 2 = live). If live, the monkeys are very angry and will attack any creatures in the vicinity, as well as doing any property damage they can.

[kaoskonfety]

the vest- that would actually be useful for some players i know...

The main points being: the majority of players it "might help"? ya... they gonna do it anyway.

[JAL_1138]

The main points being: the majority of players it "might help"? ya... they gonna do it anyway.

Still useful for paladins as a buffer against falling solely because the DM has a different opinion of alignments.

[Mrmox42]

Glasses of Insect Recognition: Allows the user to instantly recognise the species and gender of any insectoid that he can see.

Swatter of Destruction: Works as a +1 Improvised Weapon, unless wielded against an insect (Normal, Giant, Thri-Kreen or otherwise). When used on insects the Swatter becomes a +3 Improvised Weapon that Stuns the target hit, unless it makes a DC 20 Toughness Save. If a Natural 20 is rolled (a 'Squash') the Swatter causes quadruple damage.

[Gritmonger]

Hey, at low level, that thing frees up a spell slot for Sleep or Color Spray and still lets you have Cantrip ready for the occasional bit of chicanery. Any of my 2e wizards or bards would've wanted one.

*Schrödinger's barrel of monkeys: Appears to be an ordinary shipping-barrel. Contains either 10 live monkeys or 10 dead monkeys, determined only when opened (roll 1d2: 1 = dead, 2 = live). If live, the monkeys are very angry and will attack any creatures in the vicinity, as well as doing any property damage they can.

If dead, monkey stew!

[Orbis Orboros]

Plus One Dagger

This functions as a normal dagger with no modifications to attack or damage rules. While attuned, however, it allows the bearer to bring another individual to parties for which they only received one invitation, as if they had received an invitation for the second individual as well.

[Mrmox42]

Dwarven Pickaxe of Artistic Stonemasonry: This ordinary looking Pickaxe gives the user a +2 on skill checks concerning attempts to cut out artfull stonework, such as statues. However, the user of this item will have to make a DC 15 Will Save to make the statue look like anything other than a grumpy dwarf.

Edit: Edited Pitchfork to Pickaxe. D'oh!

[JAL_1138]

Dwarven Pitchfork of Artistic Stonemasonry: This ordinary looking Pitchfork gives the user a +2 on skill checks concerning attempts to cut out artfull stonework, such as statues. However, the user of this item will have to make a DC 15 Will Save to make the statue look like anything other than a grumpy dwarf.

This is a granite statue. All craftsdwarfship is of the highest quality. It menaces with spikes of granite.

EDIT: "Grumpy dwarf" is redundant, like "ATM machine," "PIN number," or "murderhobo adventurer."

[Mrmox42]

Dagger of Antivenom: When somebody afflicted with the Poisoned Condition take a Critical Hit from the Dagger of Antivenom, the Poisoned Condition is automatically removed.

[goto124]

'Quick, we must save the prince! He's been poisoned! Wait, what are you-

*STAB*

'What did you do that for?!'
'Let go of me, I helped him!'
'...huh, I feel better!'
'...okay...'

[Beleriphon]

Despite the name, the weapon itself isn't very amusing. A broad spearhead with a couple of piercing spikes or small cutting edges underneath it to either side, mounted on a heavy spearhaft (sometimes further reinforced with langets), broadly similar to a ranseur or later-design partisan. Sort of a cross between a partisan and a lugged spear with sharpened lugs. Looked mean as heck.

http://www.manningimperial.com/catal...-ear-spoon/586

No kidding.

[JAL_1138]

http://www.manningimperial.com/catal...-ear-spoon/586

No kidding.

Great find!

Doesn't seem so silly anymore, does it?

Edit: A few historical examples: http://www.vikingsword.com/vb/attach...id=64852&stc=1 (although the one on the far left is more reminiscent of a lugged spear since the lugs don't seem to be intended for piercing or cutting. The center one is almost the exact same weapon as the Manning Imperial one, with the addition of reinforcing langets)

[Mrmox42]

Wouldn't like that in your ear, eh?

Good find.

[Joe the Rat]

Right...

Thingy of Assorted Polearms: (also known as the Polearm Emporium Thingy)

Our version was a proper Swiss Army Polearm, including the saw attachment for the bill hook (for trimming treelimbs), the tweezers, and the scale remover. The last one is real nasty against dragons.

[Dimers]

Sword of Manslaying: When this sword is drawn from its sheath, it cannot be resheathed, dropped, or otherwise released until it has been used to kill a male humanoid. Until it has done so, this sword acts as a +3 weapon against all male opponents, but confers no bonus against female or sexless creatures. Once it has killed a male humanoid, it confers no bonus at all until returned to its sheath. Additionally, if it has been drawn and has not yet killed a male humanoid, and its wielder can see a male humanoid (other than the wielder, if applicable), it attempts to make its wielder attack and can only be restrained with a DC 25 STR save, repeated every round.

With a curse that has been known to use such varied effects as Suggestion and Earthquake to return it to its owner if separated, and a limitation that it can only slay a limited total number of male humanoids before the next unsheathing causes its (former) owner to become its target. Yep, good concept for a book magic item. EDIT: Though I preferred With A Single Spell.

[JAL_1138]

Tangent: as I said earlier, the Bohemian Earspoon is named exactly the same way as the Arkansas Toothpick, so I thought I'd provide a couple examples of the Toothpick.

Spoiler

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First up, from Cold Steel. "Natchez" model Bowie on top, Arkansas Toothpick below.

Spoiler

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Next up, a historical example.

[Mrmox42]

Mechanical Caltrops: Small wind-up spiky contraptions, that move about and seek to go under peoples feet. Works like normal Caltrops, but people need to make a DC 15 Dex Save to avoid stepping on the moving things.
You must use an action to wind up one Mechanical Caltrop, and it then moves for 1D6 rounds before you need to wind it up again.
Note that it will seek to move under any feet within 30 feet.

[Ceder]

[Medallion of Dramatically Appropriate Music] - Music appropriate for the actions of the wearer and individuals in their immediate line of sight. Please note this can be especially lethal for any stealthers

[Joe the Rat]

[Medallion of Dramatically Appropriate Music] - Music appropriate for the actions of the wearer and individuals in their immediate line of sight. Please note this can be especially lethal for any stealthers

Dun DUN DUNNNNNN!

[jkat718]

[Medallion of Dramatically Appropriate Music] - Music appropriate for the actions of the wearer and individuals in their immediate line of sight. Please note this can be especially lethal for any stealthers

I feel that this item would be better suited to be either a) a musical instrument of some sort, b) earmuffs/pseudo-headphones, or c) a parrot. Imagine it, a parrot that sits on your shoulder and sings your theme song for you!

Spoiler: The Alternative (Image)

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[Orbis Orboros]

I feel that this item would be better suited to be either a) a musical instrument of some sort, b) earmuffs/pseudo-headphones, or c) a parrot. Imagine it, a parrot that sits on your shoulder and sings your theme song for you!

Spoiler: The Alternative (Image)

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I now want to make a "Theme-Song Guy" character.

Spoiler: Image

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[Mrmox42]

Stone of Sinking: When put into liquid, this magical Stone will always, always sink to the bottom.
Bonus: If put into the air, the stone will fall towards the greatest force of gravity near to it.

[EvanescentHero]

Stone of Sinking: When put into liquid, this magical Stone will always, always sink to the bottom.
Bonus: If put into the air, the stone will fall towards the greatest force of gravity near to it.

Witchcraft.

[JAL_1138]

Witchcraft.

Liquids denser than water, such as mercury could see some use for this. (Also, not all rocks sink--pumice floats). Also useful for determining which way is "up" in the Plane of Water or a mundane shipwreck or reef (disorientation about that kills a lot of divers), or for finding land in the Plane of Air, or when flying through clouds. Essentially, world's greatest plumb-bob.

[Mrmox42]

Rocking Chair of Weather Sense: When sat in, this Rocking Chair gives the sitter the ability to feel what the weather will be like within the next 8 hours. This is determined by a feeling in the sitter's knee:

Weather: Knee Feeling:

Rain - Aching

Snow - "A happy sensation"

Heavy Winds - Tickling

No Winds - Buzzing

Storm - Stabbing pain

Earthquake - Twitchy

Cloudy - "A dry feeling"

Hail - Numb

Slight Breeze - Dull Thumping