Relationship Woes and Advice XXVI. Status: It's Complicated

[ghost_warlock]

So your "up to 500 miles" radius includes at least a couple of the following metro areas: Chicago, Milwaukee, MN Twin Cities, STL, KC...

"There's only a handful of women that I'd consider date-worthy in the entire Chicago CSA" -- with that kind of attitude, no wonder you're still single :P lol

In all seriousness though, from what you said, I have the feeling you're extremely picky. It's fine, but don't complain that you're staying single forever. Why not accept to date Mrs Right Now instead?

Plus, you say you're currently "extremely frustated by your lack of dating progress". Seems to me that some dating, even if outside that maybe-a-handful-in-several-million select pool of candidates, would be nice progress, and would help alleviate the frustration. You're not committing to a lifetime with that person, only dating.

If I was drawing from the entire pool of everyone in the area, I might see your point about being "picky."

Instead, I'm looking for someone in their mid-thirties (like I am), who is interested in gaming, and willing to deal with a long distance relationship. At some point we'd have to be in the same room, right? Of course, they actually have to have a dating site profile, or there's not really a chance I'd ever have a point of contact in the first place. Not having a bunch of young children would also be a plus, but that's becoming a more and more unreasonable expectation.

But thank you, poking fun at the situation has been extremely helpful to me.

[Chen]

Except that this wasn't a simple case of asked, got rejected because reasons. We actually did date briefly before she apparently got scared of what she was having to commit to and left. Also, she was never angry at me and never tried to push me away; we remained very good friends afterward. She even said at one point that she wasn't completely opposed to seeing what happened later on.

The impression I got was that she was genuinely interested, but couldn't make a major time commitment.

You asked for input, and I gave it. Nothing of what you're saying here changes my impression of things, mainly because I've experienced similar things before. I've never seen someone who is genuinely interested in a relationship use the "not enough time" as a reason not to do it. I have seen many people use the "not enough time" to mean "not interested" since they can happily then get into a different relationship while their time constraints are the same or worse. Using terms like "wasn't completely opposed" is not what you want in a relationship. People who are interested in relationships, for the most part, dive in. They don't do it with lukewarm acceptance in hopes of it becoming what they actually want. All of these things are the telltale signs that someone isn't interested for whatever reason. Someone can be a good friend and simply not be interested romantically.

If I was drawing from the entire pool of everyone in the area, I might see your point about being "picky."

Instead, I'm looking for someone in their mid-thirties (like I am), who is interested in gaming, and willing to deal with a long distance relationship. At some point we'd have to be in the same room, right? Of course, they actually have to have a dating site profile, or there's not really a chance I'd ever have a point of contact in the first place. Not having a bunch of young children would also be a plus, but that's becoming a more and more unreasonable expectation.

But thank you, poking fun at the situation has been extremely helpful to me.

Considering the number of big metropolitan areas in that 500 mile radius, you're still talking about at least thousands of possible partners (possibly significantly more). You're saying you've gone through ALL the profiles of the people on those 4 dating sites in all those major metropolitan areas and still couldn't find someone to meet your criteria? I find that difficult to believe. Your last criteria is particularly problematic from a biology point of view since mid thirties with no children is going to either be rare or you'll end up with someone who just never wants children. If you do want children this could be problematic.

[ghost_warlock]

Considering the number of big metropolitan areas in that 500 mile radius, you're still talking about at least thousands of possible partners (possibly significantly more). You're saying you've gone through ALL the profiles of the people on those 4 dating sites in all those major metropolitan areas and still couldn't find someone to meet your criteria? I find that difficult to believe. Your last criteria is particularly problematic from a biology point of view since mid thirties with no children is going to either be rare or you'll end up with someone who just never wants children. If you do want children this could be problematic.

Two years, even at a leisurely pace, is a long time to sift through profiles. It might come as a surprise to you to hear that the number of people who are living in a large, metropolitan area who are willing to engage in a long distance relationship with someone living in the middle of nowhere is actually painfully small. After all, they have thousands of local profiles to consider, right?

[Coidzor]

The impression I got was that she was genuinely interested, but couldn't make a major time commitment.

That's... even more suspicious, really.

[noparlpf]

Regardless of their reasons, pushing back isn't usually a good idea. It sucks but unfortunately you probably ought to hold off.

[Dire Moose]

In that case, it would seem that she's not only not interested in me, but she's actively lying in order to cover for it. Knowing her personality, I really can't imagine she'd be trying to actively deceive me. Either that, or her entire personality is a front for something.

She just seems like a very nice and very sweet person and I really don't like assuming that she's lying to me. I really don't think I could even be friends with someone knowing they've been lying to me for over a month.

If she has been lying, then there's a confrontation ahead that I really am not looking forward to. I don't want to have to call her out on a deception, so I really hope that's not the case.

EDIT: I should clarify that I know confronting her isn't really going to help anything, but it's the principle of the matter. If someone has actively been deceiving me, I want to know why they have violated the trust I had in them and I want to know why they concealed the truth from me. It's also kind of the sense that "there is a mystery here and I must solve it." This is why I really don't want to have to conclude that she isn't telling the truth; I would have to find out what's really going on.

FURTHER EDIT: I know for a fact that "pushing back" does work in some cases. An old couple I know who have been married for many long years only got together after he asked her three times, as she was apparently impressed enough by his persistence.

[FinnLassie]

In the matter of "I don't have time for a relationship" -thing, in general:

It's not lying. It's just how it is, and from my experience it has always meant "I am not attracted enough to have the will to pursue this relationship and work my schedule around it". I mean, I've had initial crushes towards people and have stated my interest and the interest has been echoed back. At some point either me or the guy has said that there's simply no time for a relationship, and that's ok. When the "no time" card has been played, for me it's always been the cleanest relationship cut-offs with little to no hard feelings whatsoever (though, at 15, as a childish young fool I kept on persisting WHYYYYY bwaaaah! when there really was no justification for that). Not saying it's that for all, but my experience resonates this.

No one's deceiving anyone. It's just a polite way of saying "this will likely not work between us", and it should be accepted as an answer because it's completely valid.

[Coidzor]

In the matter of "I don't have time for a relationship" -thing, in general:

It's not lying. It's just how it is, and from my experience it has always meant "I am not attracted enough to have the will to pursue this relationship and work my schedule around it". I mean, I've had initial crushes towards people and have stated my interest and the interest has been echoed back. At some point either me or the guy has said that there's simply no time for a relationship, and that's ok. When the "no time" card has been played, for me it's always been the cleanest relationship cut-offs with little to no hard feelings whatsoever (though, at 15, as a childish young fool I kept on persisting WHYYYYY bwaaaah! when there really was no justification for that). Not saying it's that for all, but my experience resonates this.

No one's deceiving anyone. It's just a polite way of saying "this will likely not work between us", and it should be accepted as an answer because it's completely valid.

The problem with euphemisms instead of just saying what you mean is that people sometimes forget to use them as euphemisms and mean them literally and sometimes people forget that they're euphemisms and take them at face value.

And in this case you've made it clear that the important thing isn't actually the scheduling but rather the lack of interest.

[FinnLassie]

Well, I personally see it just a shortened version of my aforementioned "I am not attracted enough to have the will to pursue this relationship and work my schedule around it" scenario. Unless the relationship has been super serious from the get go, I just see no point in making a huge effort in breaking it off. Tomaytoe tomatah.

[Coidzor]

Well, I personally see it just a shortened version of my aforementioned "I am not attracted enough to have the will to pursue this relationship and work my schedule around it" scenario. Unless the relationship has been super serious from the get go, I just see no point in making a huge effort in breaking it off. Tomaytoe tomatah.

Being straight with someone and just telling them that one isn't interested isn't "a huge effort" for most neurotypical individuals.

Relying upon others understanding one's euphemisms correctly, while not actively douchey like ghosting, is still not stellar behavior.

[Chen]

Well, I personally see it just a shortened version of my aforementioned "I am not attracted enough to have the will to pursue this relationship and work my schedule around it" scenario. Unless the relationship has been super serious from the get go, I just see no point in making a huge effort in breaking it off. Tomaytoe tomatah.

As Coidzor mentions, the problem with this is the uncertainty behind it. It can lead to unintentionally leading someone on. The thought that "oh well once they DO have more time, I'm back in!" can occur. No one is going to come out and say "I'm not interested enough in you to bother spending time on a relationship" since that's rude as hell. However, you probably shouldn't fall back to the far too vague "I don't have time right now".

Going further and mentioning that "maybe in the future it's something I'd consider" can be either legitimate or a means to try and maintain a friendship/good relationship without actively coming out and saying something as blunt as "I don't really find you attractive" or "you're too pessimistic for me to be in a relationship with" or any other actual reason the person doesn't want to be in a relationship with you. Now as said, it can be legitimate as well. I don't think in my experience or in any of my friends/acquaintances' experience it ever has been, but I can't conclude simply from those anecdotes that it is ALWAYS just a platitude. As such, despite the fact it might be true, I rarely view it as such. Cynical perhaps, but I found myself far happier when I started taking those types of statements as a hard "no" instead of being strung along and have nothing really come out of it.

[FinnLassie]

I do admit that I've become extremely harsh in my romantic encounters after a lot of abuse from others, so everything I say does stem from that perspective. I just simply feel like I don't owe people explanations nor do others owe me one, unless there's been a deep emotional connection.

[lio45]

In the matter of "I don't have time for a relationship" -thing, in general:

It's not lying. It's just how it is, and from my experience it has always meant "I am not attracted enough to have the will to pursue this relationship and work my schedule around it".

So, basically, as we all knew already, it's code-speech for "I don't have time for this relationship, but I could probably manage to free up some time for a relationship with the right person".

I'm very busy and I'm on the "least hogging/very independent" side of the spectrum; I've actually had relationships when I didn't have time for a relationship, but my gf at the time was well aware of that.

i.e. you start bugging me too much that we can't see each other enough, fine, I'll leave you. If you're patient, maybe I'll be less busy in the future (that's the plan, anyway). I am not convinced enough that you're Mrs Right to neglect my business for you at this time. Take it or leave it.

So... "I don't have time for a relationship, but I like you, so we can actually attempt to have one. You're warned, though, so don't complain."

It's a very different answer from "I'm not interested, and since I also happen to be pretty busy at the moment, that will be my excuse."

[lio45]

But thank you, poking fun at the situation has been extremely helpful to me.

Well, I've been assuming you've been kinda looking for feedback, since you're sharing.

1) You could relocate to a large Midwestern metro, that would fix your problem.

2) You could lower your standards, dump some criteria (for example: I'm a geek, but several of my past gfs weren't... it's okay, it works)

3) You could start looking locally. Did you grow up in that small Iowa town, or did you end up there later in life? Do you have a network of friends there? How about (mildly) hitting on, say, the girl at the hardware store counter? (or any place you patronize regularly.) If you do that, it can bear fruit eventually. In my case, I once landed a date opportunity with the daughter of a real estate agent who'd sold me a building in a little town where I was going to relocate (didn't know anyone there previously) very far away from my previous home. Casual small talk, that's what ended up producing that result.

4) You could take no steps and continue with business as usual, in which case you'll likely continue to be, in your own words, "extremely frustrated".


That's about it. In my view, that's an exhaustive list of your options at the moment. Four.

[Dire Moose]

So in light of previous comments, it seems that people just aren't interested enough in me to make any commitments.

That's been a thing for a long time with me though. Plenty of people like me and want me to be their friend, but almost nobody is interested in me beyond that. Obviously, the solution is to make myself more attractive to potential partners, but how does one do that and what am I missing that others have?

[ghost_warlock]

1) You could relocate to a large Midwestern metro, that would fix your problem.

Can't relocate right now - buying a house. In a few years I might be able to, but I've already been basically spinning my wheels for two years.

2) You could lower your standards, dump some criteria (for example: I'm a geek, but several of my past gfs weren't... it's okay, it works)

I'm 36 and have dated several non-geeks; I've learned that it doesn't really work for me. While I do engage in other hobbies, the majority of my free time is spent on one aspect of gaming or another so if I want activities in common with my partner (I do), they need to be a gamer.

3) You could start looking locally. Did you grow up in that small Iowa town, or did you end up there later in life? Do you have a network of friends there? How about (mildly) hitting on, say, the girl at the hardware store counter? (or any place you patronize regularly.) If you do that, it can bear fruit eventually. In my case, I once landed a date opportunity with the daughter of a real estate agent who'd sold me a building in a little town where I was going to relocate (didn't know anyone there previously) very far away from my previous home. Casual small talk, that's what ended up producing that result.

I have been looking locally for the last two years and it's lead nowhere.

4) You could take no steps and continue with business as usual, in which case you'll likely continue to be, in your own words, "extremely frustrated".

Again, I haven't just been sitting on my hands. I've been taking steps and gotten nowhere. Which is why I'm frustrated...

[Grytorm]

I thought of a question that I really don't know the answer to. How do people flirt, or hit on, or ask people out on dates? I've kind of flirted with people a few times but it was really awkward. And it was always me being kind of inquisitive about potential relationships and never really reciprocated. I don't know. Sorry for bothering you.

[dehro]

I thought of a question that I really don't know the answer to. How do people flirt, or hit on, or ask people out on dates? I've kind of flirted with people a few times but it was really awkward. And it was always me being kind of inquisitive about potential relationships and never really reciprocated. I don't know. Sorry for bothering you.

There is no single "how". I'm fairly good at it over the Internet/text messaging thing of choice. I'm total crap at it in person. Take yesterday... The young lady who was drawing my blood (a nurse/student, not a vampire) seemed rather taken, to the point of paying unsolicited compliments (which I cannot remember having happened to me in at least a couple decades, I think she must have been at the end of a very long shift and therefore delirious)... And i said something non-committal and completely pointless, wasting a perfect chance to get her number and at least giving it a go, which was totally what I should have and intended to do.
On the other hand, I am currently seeing someone I found through Okcupid, or would, if she hadn't gone off on a month long holiday (to be fair, she did invite me to come along).. And I had very little difficulty finding the right words over the Internet.

Where I'm going with this is is that most other people will have other times and settings that are more their speed and more conducive to unlocking their tongue, hearts and lowering their barriers.. So there isn't a single answer to your question and I'm afraid that you'll just have to keep trying until you find a situation that suits you better than the others, whether it's debating a common interest in a familiar setting, standing in the rain with a boombox over you head (showing my age here) displaying your moves on the dance floor, hitting on girls at the pub, online dating or whatever else works best.

[Chen]

So in light of previous comments, it seems that people just aren't interested enough in me to make any commitments.

That's been a thing for a long time with me though. Plenty of people like me and want me to be their friend, but almost nobody is interested in me beyond that. Obviously, the solution is to make myself more attractive to potential partners, but how does one do that and what am I missing that others have?

What others are you comparing yourself to? It's fairly uncommon to just have potential romantic partners throwing themselves at you, despite what movies and TV may tell you. The odds of your reciprocating in that event is also probably not that high. This is why there is so much money being made in match/dating websites, things like speed dating, singles bars and the like.

Point is, it's not abnormal that among your group of friends no one is interested in a romantic relationship with you. I only know a few people among various groups of friends who got together from among the pre-existing group. Most of my friends either found their partners while in school, or via things like dating sites or speed dating.

[lio45]

Can't relocate right now - buying a house. In a few years I might be able to, but I've already been basically spinning my wheels for two years.

I've been in real estate for over 10 years now and over time I built a pretty large portfolio. The market is likely slower in a small town like yours, but if you didn't overpay, you should be able to take back your marbles relatively easily if you wanted.

I think personally your good job is more of an impediment to relocation than your house (that you haven't yet closed on, let alone moved in). If it's a company large enough to have other employment opportunities in bigger metro areas, then you should consider it.

I'm 36 and have dated several non-geeks; I've learned that it doesn't really work for me. While I do engage in other hobbies, the majority of my free time is spent on one aspect of gaming or another so if I want activities in common with my partner (I do), they need to be a gamer.

Your choice. But you're severely narrowing the pool of potential candidate with this restriction (gaming is still a mostly male hobby), so ideally you'd compensate with enlarging the pool somehow (relocation to Chicago, etc.)

I have been looking locally for the last two years and it's lead nowhere.

I am sure you have (with means like OKCupid, etc.) but I'm far from sure you have been doing everything you could. Have you been daring to ask girls out that weren't officially advertising themselves as looking for a date? (i.e. cashier at a store you're often at, after some preliminary small talk)

Again, I haven't just been sitting on my hands. I've been taking steps and gotten nowhere. Which is why I'm frustrated...

I understand, but you're probably going to have to increase the intensity of those steps, or drop some criteria. Or else, get used to being single. (Which is fine too.)

[lio45]

Obviously, the solution is to make myself more attractive to potential partners, but how does one do that and what am I missing that others have?

It's kinda hard to answer without knowing anything about you, but those are very general and basically apply to everyone:

- Start to (or continue to) practice/improve your social skills.
- Get in even better shape than you currently are.
- Make sure you take care of your looks (don't be poorly-groomed).

[lio45]

I thought of a question that I really don't know the answer to. How do people flirt, or hit on, or ask people out on dates? I've kind of flirted with people a few times but it was really awkward.

The more time you spend socializing, the less awkward your interactions will be.

You've got to earn your XP the hard way, like everyone does. You won't magically become instantly good at flirting some day.

It's not the end of the world if it's awkward. Other people are generally all focused on their own world too... they won't keep long-term records of your past awkwardness as much as you think they might!

[Glass Mouse]

It's kinda hard to answer without knowing anything about you, but those are very general and basically apply to everyone:

- Start to (or continue to) practice/improve your social skills.
- Get in even better shape than you currently are.
- Make sure you take care of your looks (don't be poorly-groomed).

Looks like it's also time to dig up this oldie-but-goodie!

[lio45]

Looks like it's also time to dig up this oldie-but-goodie!

LOL! Wow. Yep, that's still as valid as back in '07.

(I skimmed through it, but everything so far seems to make sense.)

[Spanish_Paladin]

Well, i have created an OkCupid account, tomorrow i will begin to explore profiles, now i am going to sleep.

It was hard to stop answer okcupid questions, they are neveeending and adictive xD

[Grytorm]

There is no single "how". I'm fairly good at it over the Internet/text messaging thing of choice. I'm total crap at it in person. Take yesterday... The young lady who was drawing my blood (a nurse/student, not a vampire) seemed rather taken, to the point of paying unsolicited compliments (which I cannot remember having happened to me in at least a couple decades, I think she must have been at the end of a very long shift and therefore delirious)... And i said something non-committal and completely pointless, wasting a perfect chance to get her number and at least giving it a go, which was totally what I should have and intended to do.
On the other hand, I am currently seeing someone I found through Okcupid, or would, if she hadn't gone off on a month long holiday (to be fair, she did invite me to come along).. And I had very little difficulty finding the right words over the Internet.

Where I'm going with this is is that most other people will have other times and settings that are more their speed and more conducive to unlocking their tongue, hearts and lowering their barriers.. So there isn't a single answer to your question and I'm afraid that you'll just have to keep trying until you find a situation that suits you better than the others, whether it's debating a common interest in a familiar setting, standing in the rain with a boombox over you head (showing my age here) displaying your moves on the dance floor, hitting on girls at the pub, online dating or whatever else works best.

Interesting. What I am really curious about I guess is when is it appropriate to flirt with someone or just try things? I know when someone hasn't shown interest in the past it is wrong to ask again excepting some changes in circumstances. I have made the mistake of bringing it up again, but that's because I am a lonely idiot with very few friends. The only times I ask people out really or think about it is when I know someone somewhat well already, have a strong crush on them and usually I am seeing them regularly in something like a bus. Thoughts?

[Chen]

Interesting. What I am really curious about I guess is when is it appropriate to flirt with someone or just try things? I know when someone hasn't shown interest in the past it is wrong to ask again excepting some changes in circumstances. I have made the mistake of bringing it up again, but that's because I am a lonely idiot with very few friends. The only times I ask people out really or think about it is when I know someone somewhat well already, have a strong crush on them and usually I am seeing them regularly in something like a bus. Thoughts?

Flirting with strangers can be taken as creepy, depending on the circumstances and whatnot. There's no outright inappropriateness to it, in general though. I mean smiling at someone you find attractive on the bus could be considered somewhat flirty. And hell if they smile back or otherwise continue looking at you, maybe they do want to strike up a conversation. Conversely maybe they just think you're a creep and they'll ignore you. I don't think there's any real hard and fast rules about it.

Certainly though, as you said, if someone has already told you they aren't interested, that is a case where it's probably best not to flirt. It's basically just ignoring their wishes and could be considered both rude and creepy/stalkerish.

[dehro]

Interesting. What I am really curious about I guess is when is it appropriate to flirt with someone or just try things? I know when someone hasn't shown interest in the past it is wrong to ask again excepting some changes in circumstances. I have made the mistake of bringing it up again, but that's because I am a lonely idiot with very few friends. The only times I ask people out really or think about it is when I know someone somewhat well already, have a strong crush on them and usually I am seeing them regularly in something like a bus. Thoughts?

Again a case of varying mileage depending entirely on circumstances. Again, there isn't a single unified rule that covers this. Flirting is never appropriate if she's not in the mood to be flirted with, always when she's looking to flirt. Determining which of the two situations you're facing (or any in between) is either an informed guess if you know her, her character, mood and circumstances, or a complete coin toss. And even should she be receptive to your flirting, it still doesn't mean you're doing the right thing.. She might just have dumped her so and think of you as the rebound guy.. Do you want to be the rebound guy? She might have been dumped and need a shoulder to cry on without really wanting to commit to the body that shoulder is part off.. Do you want to be the shoulder? Does alcohol come into play? How much alcohol has she had and does it still count as Dutch courage or is it more a case of she's plastered and may be easier but maybe I should save us both a dose of regrets ... Or How much alcohol have you had and does it make you bolder in expressing your feelings, or just obnoxious?
Is she part of your social group/life, can you be daring without compromising your position in the group.. Is she an outsider an can you just go for it and see what happens or does not knowing much about her inhibit your initiative? How much can you insist before you become Creepy/pushy/obnoxious? In general it pays of to ask again only if some time has passed and in the meantime you haven't been obsessing over her...
A personal example is how I finally met a girl I'd been jokingly playing/flirting with online for the best part of 9 months. During those months we were both involved in an (adult themed) forum, and had become first and foremost friends. Had I insisted strongly initially or not been interested in pursuing a friendship with her, we would have broken contact well before we finally met. It was a bit of a balancing act which came natural thanks to an affinity in character, values and sense of humour, and was not a conscious effort/strategy on my side,.. And we stayed friends afterwards.. So did persistence pay off? Yes, but only within the broader context of each of us living our own lives and me not obsessing, and friendship, and knowing when to let go afterwards. And giving it a go when we were both in the right place for it. Would it work always and/or with everybody? Very very unlikely.
So, again, there isn't a fixed rule and only experience will tell you (more often than not too late for it to be of use right away) where you went wrong.
In fact experience in the field of romance (whether it's casual hook-ups or something more serious) is mostly a list of "oh, that's what I shouldn't have done".. Interspersed with the occasional "Yay, I didn't make any blunders, let's see how long it lasts"
Work on it, accept that more often than not you won't get it right, and don't stress over those times your blunders make a girl you like say no. They will make the ones that you do nail (figuratively speaking) all the sweater.

[Jon_Dahl]

I want to listen uour advice on online dating, specially if you have a lot of experience on the subject.

I really tried to avoid giving you advice, because I know that people will just bluntly dismiss my advice, even when it's NOT their business, and they will give no arguments at all, but I couldn't do avoid this... I will advise you without reading the advice of others, so there might be some overlap.

When you write your profile, imagine that you writing a polite letter to the woman that you want to meet but she doesn't know you yet. Keep it simple, keep it fun. Let your persona show, but keep it "commercial" too. It's an advertisement, simple as that. You need to advertise yourself like you would advertise a car, but the women aren't looking for nice wheels for a cheap price with an air condition. They are looking for a guy that can make them laugh and who has a face that suits their current mood. They say that you shouldn't smile in your picture. You need an action shot too, where you show that you're an active person and not a couch potato. The profile text... You should avoid sarcasm and ironic wittiness, but write something flamboyant and open. Catch her attention. You should ALWAYS check the profiles of other men for inspiration, and also for bad examples. It's easier to see the idiocy of others than your own.

Don't appear desperate. Try to cover your personality, activities and ambitions in a brief manner, but always slip in something a bit vague like "I have a million things to say but I just say one". Are you trying find woman abroad? In that case, listen to me careful: Sell your country! Sell the place in which you live in a way that no woman can refuse! You live in Spain, right? If you do your things right, they will come running to you. You are the dark handsome gentleman that awaits them at the airport and takes them to a romantic adventure through the Iberian peninsula while a Spanish guitar plays softly in the background. It doesn't even matter if you're not dark, handsome or not even a gentleman. This **** sells.

In my case, the Brazilian women were often attracted to the fact that my profile was written in an elegant but still pretty gringo Portuguese, and they could see it from my face in an instant that I have nothing to do with Brazil. Usually they bothered to ask about this, and they all fantasized about snow. Paladin! Man, play your part! You hear?

However... Writing to women is futile at best. They receive lots of messages from "tarados". You have this word, "pervert", in Spanish, haven't you? Your messages will just disappear with the "have sex with me!" messages. Your best bet are the women that write you. I'd say that a woman who writes to you is worth a hundred whom you have written to.

Things to have:
A beard, a tattoo, looking a bit like a bum or a lumberjack (but in a cute way), and take pictures in places that are lovely. Take them all outdoors when the weather is nice. The handsomeness of your face will be tenfold if there's a nice tree or something behind you. Women like trees and animals etc. You know this, right?

I have verified all that I have told you and it's all true. If you have doubts, I can give you a 1000-word explanation why all that I have said is a fact.

Also, if you wish, I can give you advice what to you in your messages that will make women love you.

Enjoy!

[Spanish_Paladin]

I really tried to avoid giving you advice, because I know that people will just bluntly dismiss my advice, even when it's NOT their business, and they will give no arguments at all, but I couldn't do avoid this... I will advise you without reading the advice of others, so there might be some overlap.

When you write your profile, imagine that you writing a polite letter to the woman that you want to meet but she doesn't know you yet. Keep it simple, keep it fun. Let your persona show, but keep it "commercial" too. It's an advertisement, simple as that. You need to advertise yourself like you would advertise a car, but the women aren't looking for nice wheels for a cheap price with an air condition. They are looking for a guy that can make them laugh and who has a face that suits their current mood. They say that you shouldn't smile in your picture. You need an action shot too, where you show that you're an active person and not a couch potato. The profile text... You should avoid sarcasm and ironic wittiness, but write something flamboyant and open. Catch her attention. You should ALWAYS check the profiles of other men for inspiration, and also for bad examples. It's easier to see the idiocy of others than your own.

Don't appear desperate. Try to cover your personality, activities and ambitions in a brief manner, but always slip in something a bit vague like "I have a million things to say but I just say one". Are you trying find woman abroad? In that case, listen to me careful: Sell your country! Sell the place in which you live in a way that no woman can refuse! You live in Spain, right? If you do your things right, they will come running to you. You are the dark handsome gentleman that awaits them at the airport and takes them to a romantic adventure through the Iberian peninsula while a Spanish guitar plays softly in the background. It doesn't even matter if you're not dark, handsome or not even a gentleman. This **** sells.

In my case, the Brazilian women were often attracted to the fact that my profile was written in an elegant but still pretty gringo Portuguese, and they could see it from my face in an instant that I have nothing to do with Brazil. Usually they bothered to ask about this, and they all fantasized about snow. Paladin! Man, play your part! You hear?

However... Writing to women is futile at best. They receive lots of messages from "tarados". You have this word, "pervert", in Spanish, haven't you? Your messages will just disappear with the "have sex with me!" messages. Your best bet are the women that write you. I'd say that a woman who writes to you is worth a hundred whom you have written to.

Things to have:
A beard, a tattoo, looking a bit like a bum or a lumberjack (but in a cute way), and take pictures in places that are lovely. Take them all outdoors when the weather is nice. The handsomeness of your face will be tenfold if there's a nice tree or something behind you. Women like trees and animals etc. You know this, right?

I have verified all that I have told you and it's all true. If you have doubts, I can give you a 1000-word explanation why all that I have said is a fact.

Also, if you wish, I can give you advice what to you in your messages that will make women love you.

Enjoy!

Oooh, thank you your advices , i didn't think about give importance to my country.

I have tried to be honest (for example saying that i am without job since almost two years) i know it will be bad at first, but better on long term.