Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition V: How dead is that corpse?

[eru001]

any food is a burrito if you try hard and believe in yourself

[ZeroGear]

Joey: "I wonder how far down this tunnel leads."
Serrah: "We'll find out eventually."
DM: You hear a faint 'click', followed by an ominous rumbling from behind you.
*Everyone looks at Linsey*
Linsey: "Oops?"

Prof. Mason: "Ow...Is everyone alright?"
Joey: "I'll live."
Serrah: "Just a little bruised."
Linsey: "I'm fine! I landed on something soft!"
Davis: "Yes, on me. Please get off."

Joey: "What kind of a person installs a gigantic pinball game just to separate the group?"
Davis: "One that is very bored, likes games too much, or some combination of the two."
*MEANWHILE*
BBEG: "Darn, I was so close to getting the high score on that one."

Spoiler: Context

Show

The party was dropped into pods that were fed into an oversized pinball machine. IRL the DM had the players play Pokemon Pinball while he described everything, then split the group according to their scores.

Prof. Mason: "Good gravy! We must find the others! Who knows what horrors they must be suffering! And Davis is helpless without me!"
Linsey: "Don't worry professor! We'll find them!"
Prof. Mason: "I like your enthusiasm. I now pronounce thee my 'Spunky Sidekick no. 1'!"
Linsey: "Yay!"
*MEANWHILE*
Davis: *suddenly stops in his tracks*
Serrah: "Something wrong?"
Davis: "I feel a disturbance. It's as if two forces of complete idiocy have suddenly converged. I fear for the safety of this realm, and the stability of this lair."

Prof. Mason: "You two! I demand you tell us where we are!"
Mook 1: "Who's going to make us, geek?"
Mook 2: "Yeah, who's going to make us?"
Prof. Mason: Why do these guys seem familiar?
DM: This might clear it up.

Evil Cook: "Ah! Welcome! I am chef Pierre de Fromage Puant! Welcome to moi kitchen!"
Serrah: Is he speaking in a french accent?
DM: Yes?
Serrah: Are you aware that his name means 'stinky cheese'?
DM: ...I do now.

Davis: "Of all the ways to die, I never expected it to be getting turned into the fruit filling of a jello cup."
Serrah: "Yeah, kind of a Deadly Dessert this is turning out to be."
Joey: "I'd say it's downright Terrifyingly Tasty."
Davis: "Could you stop, I want to keep my sanity before I die."
Joey: "Why? It's not like it's Really required."
Serrah: "Especially in this Sticky Situation."
Joey: "Plus, this Malignant Malefactor isn't going to just let us go."
Serrah: "I'll say. He's one Crooked Cook!"
Joey: "A Downright Devious Dessert Decorator!"
Davis: "I hate you both."
Evil Cook: "The mixture's ready moi charmant Ingrédients. It iz time to get your Just Desserts!"
Davis: "I hate everything."

[Vrock_Summoner]

I've only just started reading about him, but I feel a strong spiritual connection with this Davis fellow.

[Inevitability]

some from a Terry Pratchet based guard game:

Was it called 'Guards! Guards!' by any chance?

[goto124]

Doc: “I think the Buffalo Revolver is a good choice for the occasion.”
Viridia: “I didn't expect Doc to nickname his stallionhood.”
Doc: “Well, all the mares have been picking earth ponies for their significant other.” (*wink*)

FTFY

Main Villain on the ground dying: Please...have mercy...cant you see I am defenseless?
PC: You're right, I cannot harm a man who is defenseless. Luckily you're not a man, youre scum

I'm going to assume villain's an woman:

Doc: “They look like the standard issue villainess boots worn by countless evil ladies of the 80s. If I zoom in, I can almost hear the Flash Gordon theme. That's how 80s I think they are.”

[DigoDragon]

Doc: “I was gonna guess Choro, considering you had a felt sign of her earlier and drew me in a chef hat...”
Moon: “Who are you talking to?”
Doc: “Pinkie Pie.”
Moon: “Mmmm.” (Uses magic-detecting monocle)
GM: “Moonshadow's entire field of vision was dominated by a single bright baby blue eye that was pressed up against the monocle.”
Moon: “Well that's ******* weird.”
Viridia: “Wouldn't it be a good idea to do a medical crazy-check on yourself, Doc? Dealing with magical maladies has to be part of your training, right?”
Doc: “Hmm, well I've dealt with magical poisons and injuries from magic weapons, so... yeah, I could totally medical crazy-check myself.”
Doc: *sits down on the chair and starts doing the self-medical crazy-check*
Percentile Dice Roll: *8*
Doc: “If the Wasteland Surgeon perk counts for Medical skill checks, Doc totally crit'd himself.”

Voice in Viridia’s Mind: “Hey, kettle, let's not get too hasty now.”
Viridia: (thinking) “I'm too hot to be crazy.”
GM: “True. But hey, your traveling companions consist of a short pegasus who wears a monocle now, for some reason, a sixteen year old filly who wears a wizard hat everywhere, and, well, Doc. Someone needs to be hot enough to cover for four ponies.”

[D.KnightSpider]

Matter-Horn: Ka-boom-ah Mattatta!
---

Gumdrop: Thanks entirely to my efforts, every radio within a five mile radius will now receive nothing but a looped version of 'Sweet Child of Mine'... played by a kazoo.
---

Ray: Just call me: the Man from O.K. By the way, the Man from O.K. is in your base, killing your dudes.
---

Ray: ... I think that's less 'cooked' and more 'poisoned'.
---

Lisa: Change of plans. We're re-enacting the end of Captain America: Winter Soldier.
Gumdrop: Which part, specifically, are you looking to re-enact?
Lisa: The part where Falcon leaps out the window and lands in the helicopter. Except we're using a van instead of a helicopter and you darn well better be there to catch us!
---

Matter-Horn: *creates an ice ramp* I always did like slip-n-slides!
---

Lisa: Fortunately, I have cybernetic legs. Otherwise this would get really awkward.
---

GM: Frzzetereiterezzzebeeezzzzet

[goto124]

GM: “Moonshadow's entire field of vision was dominated by a single bright baby blue eye that was pressed up against the monocle.”

*extremely loud screaming*

[DigoDragon]

Matter-Horn: Ka-boom-ah Mattatta!

Did I ever mention how much of a fan I am of this Matter-Horn hero?

*extremely loud screaming*

We see so much weird/scary stuff that the party has become a bit burned out at it. Now we just shrug and think "Huh, okay then" for most of it. Except for Choro, since she's new to the group and not quiet used to our weirdness magnet.

[CrazyPenguin]

DM:"I'm pretty sure I put character sheets in my microwave more often than food at this point."

[AdmiralCheez]

Finley: "One size fits not me!"


DM: "Hold Person is like 'Stop right there, criminal scum!' and Hold Monster is like 'You shall not pass!'"


Corlan: "2500 gold? We agreed on 2000."
NPC Merchant: "You killed my bodyguard."
Corlan: "2500 it is!"


Dravin: "We found the D&D equivalent of a jumping bean."

[Vrock_Summoner]

Corlan: "2500 gold? We agreed on 2000."
NPC Merchant: "You killed my bodyguard."
Corlan: "2500 it is!"

Huh, I'm used to this one working almost exactly in reverse.

Merchant: 2000? We agreed on 2500!
Player: That's when you had a bodyguard.
Merchant: 2000 and I'll throw this in for free!

[Inevitability]

Huh, I'm used to this one working almost exactly in reverse.

Merchant: 2000? We agreed on 2500!
Player: That's when you had a bodyguard.
Merchant: 2000 and I'll throw this in for free!

Maybe it's one of those games where all merchants are incredibly powerful?

[HopefullyThisGy]

Arbites "Look, it's only the fourth session; what are the chances of there being a greater daemon?"
*DM rolls % dice*
DM "Uhhh... Very, very high."

Techpriest "I pick up the STC dataslate."
DM "As you scrutinise the wall of text, a ghostly whispering-"
Techpriest "I put the STC dataslate back down."

Sister of Battle "And now the million dollar question: can you purge an inanimate object in holy fire?"

Psyker "So I'm practically useless... Wait. How much does a Leman Russ weigh?"
DM "About 60 metric tons."
Psyker "Oooh."
Arbites "You're not going to-"
Psyker "I DROP A TANK ON THAT MOTHER******."

Chirugeon "Pass me the excrutiator toxin."
*moments later*
Chirugeon "Wrong vial, f***wit."

Sister of Battle "I HAVE BECOME DEATH, DESTROYER OF WORLDS."
Null "F***'s sake, the planet is slowly being consumed by the warp and you choose now to be melodramatic? Just press the damn button."

[DigoDragon]

GM: “At the moment, Doc was sitting very still on a small plastic stool that was probably once used to help ponies reach high shelves. Right now, [the stool] seemed like it was just helping a high pony.”
Choro: “We can't leave him like this. I could... shake him up and down a bit? Twirl him around the room? Pour water on him? I'm not really sure what to do for crazy ponies.”
Doc: “Strange, what loves does
So strange, what love does
So strange, what—”
Viridia: *trots over to the stool-standing Doc and pushes him over backwards. Just like in the movies!*
Narration: “And then Doc lands flat on his back, staring up at the ceiling of a different room that's lacking in plush carpet and clown paintings.”
Doc: “Uh... what happened?”
Choro: “You've been... erm... Something to do with Pinkie Pie, felt signs and interrogation?”

Doc: “Apparently whatever I inhaled from the fridge is a really good hallucinogenic. Bet I could market it as potent vision-questy drugs, if I could gather it safely.”
Pinkie: “Vision quests are only for buffalo, silly! If a pony huffs some paint and stumbles around talking to trees, then it's a ten year minimum prison sentence.”

Doc: “So, Pinkie Pie told me to check y'all for bugs and wire, and then disappeared through an imaginary door. I think she's gone now.”
Viridia: “But only one of us belongs to any kind of military or policing organization.” (looks over at Moonshadow)
Moon: “…”
Viridia: “Well, we can't just ignore hallucinations. You're going to have to strip.”
Moon: “I'm going to need a pole and some trance music first.” (wink)

[AdmiralCheez]

Huh, I'm used to this one working almost exactly in reverse.

Maybe it's one of those games where all merchants are incredibly powerful?

No, we had just come out of three huge battles in a row with golems, drow hit squads, and a small army, so we had next to no resources left. We were also in the middle of a crowded market full of guards, so we were very interested in not starting another fight.

Sometimes, you just have to pay the stupid tax, and walk away alive.

[blackstarthegoa]

"Bad news: You missed me, but the good news is you don't have to wonder where your god is! Because I'm right here and I'm fresh out of mercy."
~After the battle and me fixing the tea set~
"Tea anyone?"

Spoiler: Context

Show

One of the party members thought my character wasn't powerful therefor useless to the party and attacked me, missing me but hitting my beloved tea set smashing it into a million tiny bits. It didn't end well for him and I just used mend to fix my lovely tea set, using his dust to make some tea and asked the rest of the party if they wanted any tea. ^-^

[digiman619]

Doc: “So, Pinkie Pie told me to check y'all for bugs and wire, and then disappeared through an imaginary door. I think she's gone now.”
Viridia: “But only one of us belongs to any kind of military or policing organization.” (looks over at Moonshadow)
Moon: “…”
Viridia: “Well, we can't just ignore hallucinations. You're going to have to strip.”
Moon: “I'm going to need a pole and some trance music first.” (wink)

One the one hoof, ponies probably don't have strippers, as "not wearing any clothes" is their default state of being. On the other hoof, I do always enjoy a good show...

[iNSOMN14]

Finally got one I feel is worthy of this thread.

(During the session wrapup.)
Me: This involved far more goat death than anyone was expecting.
Other PC: Those goats had to go. Science is a harsh mistress.

[OctoberRaven]

Nat-20ing a sense motive when you don't speak the language:
"I don' know wha that guy's sayin but he's full of [expletive]"

Also, from a Hunter game:

"Hopefully this Maiden isn't iron, or we'll only have two minutes til midnight, then we'll have to run to the hills to 22 acacia avenue"
GM:

[Beacon of Chaos]

Yu: And it looks like true Yu had been viewed by Yu two too!

GM: The changelings had no chance. While they could mimic their opponent's strength and skills, they simply couldn't match the ponies' courage, determination, and awesome dance moves.

Scarlet: When we are triumphant, we shall return. To prevent deception, I shall make the sound of a baby manticore so that you know it's us!
Pony: Um, I don't think any of us know what a baby manticore sounds like.
Scarlet: Neither does the enemy! That's why it's perfect!

[CrazyPenguin]

My ST's other game of Exalted:

PC 1: "There's a colored pig..."
ST: "Hey! We can't use that language anymore!"
PC 2: "Porcine American."

PC 2: "I'll plan everything, you kill things, and you bring the humorous pig."

Exalted:

Rouser of Souls: "You need to wear a shirt."

NPC: "We have the finest foods prepared for you!"
Burning Sunset: *long exaggerated sigh*

ST: "There's loads of fine foods, various kinds of alcohol, opium, cat, marijuana."
Burning Sunset: "You just listed 'all the things Burning Sunset can't have.'"

ST: "You guys seem to be the talk of the party. 'Have you heard about that barbarian from Darkheart? I heard he was drilling his men by chucking rocks at them, 'I heard he never wears a shirt.' 'Did you hear that little girl is a member of the city guard?' 'Yeah, and that...talking bird?' 'I heard Rouser built a new watchtower in like, a day and that it can see for hundreds of miles.' 'What about that sailor captain? Why is he blue?' 'He has gills.' 'What about that weird monk standing in the corner staring at his shoes and nibbling on bread?' 'I heard that the other one stapled the Karga monster to the floor with random bits of metal and his bare hands.' That kind of stuff."

Burning Sunset: "Fighting is her flirting."

Jin: "So I looked up the portrait for that NPC lady you were talking to."
Gray Raptor: "And?"
Jin: "Niiiiiiice."

Burning Sunset: "Oooooooooo I get rice too! Fancy."

ST: "Despite being drunk, Nirvele is the only one who sees Shrouded Moth pass Burning Sunset a note under the table."
Burning Sunset: "In fact, he saw it twice."
Nirvele: "Teacher! She's passing notes! She's telling him the answer!"
Burning Sunset: *slowly slides under table*

The Rest of the Party: *notices that the city is burning with green flame*
Burning Sunset: *botches, notices a rather suspicious looking servant* *stands up* "Hey you!"
ST: "Everyone in the room stares at the windows. eyes wide in horror."
Burning Sunset: *turns around* "Oh. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit."

ST: "You all immediately come to the same conclusion:"
Rouser of Souls: "Well ****."
ST: "Ok, and then you come to a second conclusion with plot info and stuff."

[DigoDragon]

Not game quotes, but the lack of context makes them fun~

"You're asking a Scotsman if his accent sounds funny?"

"See, I told you Trixie has a lot of junk in the trunk."

One the one hoof, ponies probably don't have strippers, as "not wearing any clothes" is their default state of being. On the other hoof, I do always enjoy a good show...

The fandom does weird things with socks, but ponies can still dance, so there's that.

Other PC: Those goats had to go. Science is a harsh mistress.

My brother just got back from Disney World. Thunder Mountain Railroad was closed for maintenance and the park crew put up a sign that reads "Closed due to goat infestation."

Well there is a train that travels around the park and it goes behind this ride. The crew put up dozens of cardboard goats by the train tracks to make their point legit.

[vasilidor]

Spoiler: it is a response.

Show

Was it called 'Guards! Guards!' by any chance?

pathfinder

DM: you may be in the dragons gut, but you aren't dead yet and it is your turn.
Fighter: I put my bag of holding in my portable hole. everything in ten feet of me goes bye bye.
DM:...ehy?

unrelated:
DM:three red dragons are descending from the sky, but fortunately there is a small cave nearby.
Fighter: I face the dragons.

[alkatrazjr]

The zergling eats itself

[ZeroGear]

Joey: "Did Linsey the professor just ride past us on a zamboni?"
Davis: "Where did they even GET a zamboni?"

Prof. Mason: "Prepare to face the wrath of my Chiller!"
Serrah: "You named the zamboni?"

Tech Boss: "Interesting. I'd love to see what's faster: your 'chiller'," *pulls tarp off giant turbo-charged steamroller* "Or my 'Mega Crusher'!"
Prof. Mason: "Oh dear."
TB: "I'll give you a head start."

[Vrock_Summoner]

DM (me): You promptly forget that the tower was ever there to begin with.
Gambi: What tower?

DM: Aurora, you are the only one who remembers that any of the things the blue titan eradicates were ever there to begin with.
Dante: Wait, does that mean we don't realize it's doing anything wrong?
DM: ... Huh. Yeah, I guess to the rest of you guys, it's just floating around attacking empty air.
Dante: Careful, everyone! It must have some nefarious scheme!
Shae: Ah, uh... Yes! It is certainly suspicious how it attacked in an exact shape to fill that crater that's always been there! What evil plan is it hatching?
DM: Okay, maybe this wasn't the best ability I could have given it.

Aurora: Hold on a second guys, I think-
Dante: No.
Gambi: Hell no!
Shae: Inadvisable.
Aurora: I haven't even said anything yet!

Aurora: [telepathically] Vespin, are you able to make sounds?
Vespin: *makes otherworldly, shrill chirp/buzz noises back telepathically*
Aurora: [vocally] This creates many more questions than it answers.

Spoiler: Minor context

Show

All telepaths in this setting can communicate without fear of language barriers, because telepathy projects meanings directly rather than the sounds we attribute meaning to.

Aurora: *crying* The whole group hates me... Was what I did so unforgivable...?
Dante: If it makes you feel any better, I hate you right now, but I won't understand why I felt that way by tomorrow.

Cretin: Right, "something you should've done a long time ago." Killing all your friends is obviously much higher on any reasonable person's priority list. What took you so long?

Azulus (blue titan): I don't really understand why any of this is happening.
Aurora: Yeah, you get used to that feeling when you live on this planet.

Dante: Turf wars. Fun for the whole family!

[DigoDragon]

Spoiler: Responses!

Show

Prof. Mason: "Prepare to face the wrath of my Chiller!"
Serrah: "You named the zamboni?"

So how long did it take to run the victim over? Like... 5 minutes?

Aurora: I haven't even said anything yet!

When the party knows you a bit TOO well. :D

Doc: “I'm seeing one less weird hallucination now, so... kinda doing better?”

Viridia: “Was the Grand Lodge another name for Nightcore's wizard guild, or am I misremembering?”
GM: “It is! Besides Greendream and Nightcore, the chef that got brutally murdered by the feral Reaver was one of them, too.”
Doc: “The cook, really? Huh, guess they stick members in every little nook and cranny they can find.”
Viridia: “It's a SPY! They were a spy!”
Choro: “Hmm.... was his food bad on the gut? I'm pretty sure an illusionist could use magic to make food taste good.”
Doc: “He made the tastiest pastries.” *sadface*

GM: “My ability to post for the next few days will be sporadic. Until then, here's a gif of Pinkie Pie eating a pancake.”
Viridia: “Ewww. She's holding the pancakes.”
Doc: “It's an earth pony thing.”
Viridia: “Her name is Pinkie Pie, you insensitive jerk.”

Choro: “And Choro isn't even an enchantress! She can't dance! (Just ask her to try).”
Doc: “Challenge Accepted.”

[goto124]

Viridia: “Ewww. She's holding the pancakes.”
Doc: “It's an earth pony thing.”
Viridia: “Her name is Pinkie Pie, you insensitive jerk.”

If she eats a pie, is that cannibalism?

[Vrock_Summoner]

Spoiler: Responses!

Show

When the party knows you a bit TOO well. :D

The weird thing is, as far as this group is concerned, she's probably the last person I'd expect to get a response like this. She's usually at least kind of levelheaded, except when it comes to sparing reality-ending abominations, where she's excessively generous.

[B]Viridia: “Was the Grand Lodge another name for Nightcore's wizard guild, or am I misremembering?”
GM: “It is! Besides Greendream and Nightcore, the chef that got brutally murdered by the feral Reaver was one of them, too.”
Doc: “The cook, really? Huh, guess they stick members in every little nook and cranny they can find.”
Viridia: “It's a SPY! They were a spy!”
Choro: “Hmm.... was his food bad on the gut? I'm pretty sure an illusionist could use magic to make food taste good.”
Doc: “He made the tastiest pastries.” *sadface*

And this is just upsetting. D: