Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

[Crow]

The only women I've ever met who had a problem with somebody asking their weight...were overweight, or underweight (in the medical sense). Same as the only men I've met who had a problem with somebody asking their height...were extremely short.

Some heavy or skinny people don't have a problem telling their weight, and some short men don't mind telling their height.

It all boils down to self confidence. People who are uncomfortable about some aspect of themselves (for whatever reason) aren't going to feel comfortable when they know that another person is curious about that aspect. People who are secure in their self have no problem with it. What is height and weight but a measure of your physical body? What have you to hide?

I'm with Chen. There is nothing different about asking somebody's weight from asking their height; other than of course, people have much more control over their weight. Maybe that's why it makes people so uncomfortable? Because it can be interpreted as a symptom resulting from habits.

[Recherché]

-raises hand- I have issues with people asking about my weight unless I already know them pretty well and while my BMI isn't ideal it's not in the "medical emergency" category. In my case asking about my weight triggers two things. First almost everyone who's done so early on has been proven a jerk later. Two I have mental issues about my weight from the fact that I work in fashion where anything above a size 6 is considered grotesque and completely unattractive. And about it being different from height, men who are short don't tend to kill themselves from the societal pressure to be tall. Multiple people with anorexia and other eating disorders end up dying from the pressure to be thin every year. I think that might be a sign that the pressure is a little stronger there.

All that being said height requirements for dating are pretty darn stupid and a good sign that I don't want to have a relationship with the person in question.

Edit:Also dude the amount of control people have over their weight is a lot smaller than you'd think. I exercise about 9 hours a week and refuse to eat fast food. I have a BMI of 28 in part because of genetics and in part because of medical issues. You do not get to critique my weight or figure unless you do more for less results.

[Tvtyrant]

-raises hand- I have issues with people asking about my weight unless I already know them pretty well and while my BMI isn't ideal it's not in the "medical emergency" category. In my case asking about my weight triggers two things. First almost everyone who's done so early on has been proven a jerk later. Two I have mental issues about my weight from the fact that I work in fashion where anything above a size 6 is considered grotesque and completely unattractive. And about it being different from height, men who are short don't tend to kill themselves from the societal pressure to be tall. Multiple people with anorexia and other eating disorders end up dying from the pressure to be thin every year. I think that might be a sign that the pressure is a little stronger there.

All that being said height requirements for dating are pretty darn stupid and a good sign that I don't want to have a relationship with the person in question.

Okay, but maybe that is because weight is a slightly more dangerous category then height so people just cripple themselves instead.

[Recherché]

Okay, but maybe that is because weight is a slightly more dangerous category then height so people just cripple themselves instead.

I'm well aware of leg lengthening surgeries which is why I said "don't tend to" instead of never. It's just a lot rarer errors. (Which might admittedly be in part because leg surgery is a lot more expensive than harming yourself by not eating)

[Crow]

Edit:Also dude the amount of control people have over their weight is a lot smaller than you'd think. I exercise about 9 hours a week and refuse to eat fast food. I have a BMI of 28 in part because of genetics and in part because of medical issues. You do not get to critique my weight or figure unless you do more for less results.

I don't care about your weight; I was just giving my opinion based upon my experience. That said, I can critique anyone I damn well please; and they are free to dismiss me or critique me right back. Thanks for your input.

[GrayGriffin]

The only women I've ever met who had a problem with somebody asking their weight...were overweight, or underweight (in the medical sense). Same as the only men I've met who had a problem with somebody asking their height...were extremely short.

Some heavy or skinny people don't have a problem telling their weight, and some short men don't mind telling their height.

It all boils down to self confidence. People who are uncomfortable about some aspect of themselves (for whatever reason) aren't going to feel comfortable when they know that another person is curious about that aspect. People who are secure in their self have no problem with it. What is height and weight but a measure of your physical body? What have you to hide?

I'm with Chen. There is nothing different about asking somebody's weight from asking their height; other than of course, people have much more control over their weight. Maybe that's why it makes people so uncomfortable? Because it can be interpreted as a symptom resulting from habits.

If you know a question affects someone's self-confidence negatively, why would you go out of the way to attack them with it and hurt their confidence further?

[Crow]

If you know a question affects someone's self-confidence negatively, why would you go out of the way to attack them with it and hurt their confidence further?

If I know that the question will do that, I won't ask it; but if I don't know this person, how can I know? I can guess; for instance if they are visibly over or under weight, chances are they might be a little self conscious about it. In a case like that though, I already know what I want to know anyways. Unless I had some specific reason to know the number, which I can't imagine ever needing.

In the absence of visual indicators however, asking somebody's weight is a half decent way to get a rough idea of the range a person's bodily dimensions might fall into. If that is something I'm curious about, it's certainly better than asking "So hey are you fat?".

If I can't determine it otherwise, and I'm curious about somebody's dimensions for some reason, I'm going to ask their weight. Chances are, I won't know at that point what little things are going to upset them. If they choose to be upset about something so minor, so be it. It's hardly the "attack" you make it out to be.

[WarKitty]

As dehro points out, one could even make an argument that weight should be in a "less" delicate category than things like height and ethnicity which you just can't change, no matter how much effort you're willing to put into it.

I suspect what's actually happening is the other way around. Weight is in the "delicate" category precisely because it's perceived to be something you can do something about, and therefore that people who are overweight are lazy or undisciplined. So asking someone's weight is often seen as implying they are fat, which in turn implies negative character traits about them. Whereas people don't have quite the same associations with height.

[SilentNight]

This was thought was brought up recently due to a relationship hiccup, has anyone out there had or considered having a vasectomy and would be willing to PM me about it?

[noparlpf]

I have a confusion and I don't know what to do with myself. Sorry in advance, I'm a mess. I'll try not to ramble too much.

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So, I kind of have a crush on somebody. But I'm grey ace and have only been interested in two other people in the last ten years so I barely have any idea what that actually means for me, what I would hypothetically want from it, &c. Plus I have something like CPTSD from my one previous relationship when I was a teenager and I've just repressed the heck out of it since then instead of dealing with it. (I'm currently in the process of scheduling an appointment with a new therapist.) I'm not sure how much of my internal conflict is because of my weird contradictory sexuality (whenever I'm feeling more grey than asexual I tend to get something like genital dysphoria; is it possible to be like, cis-neuter?) vs how much is because I'm afraid of opening up to somebody and getting hurt again. For example, a couple weeks ago we were texting and they told me they're attracted to me (whatever that even means; because I get crushes so rarely it seems like a big deal to me but it's probably not for normal people) and just that gave me a panic attack. So like, I'm a huge mess. A few days ago they told me that they felt bad about that, that just because there's mutual interest doesn't necessarily mean anything has to happen, and that they'd be worried about inadvertently hurting me. I had overslept Saturday and was several hours late taking my meds so I was in a depressive funk all weekend and haven't been able to think about my feelings properly without coming up with a bunch of self-deprecating nonsense, so we've just been chatting casually for the past couple days but I feel like I still need to address this somehow. I guess to summarise, my problem right now is that I'm super conflicted and don't even know whether I'd want to try something (assuming they'd be up for it) or whether I'd want to agree to stay platonic and just get over it. Plus I can't actually tell how interested they are (because whenever somebody says something positive about me I assume they've been tricked somehow because how could anybody possibly think something positive about me; man I really need to start talking to a therapist soon) or if the timing is bad and I should just do what I usually do when faced with difficult emotions and repress the heck out of them.

Any thoughts?

[lio45]

So, I kind of have a crush on somebody.
[and]
... they told me they're attracted to me ...

Any thoughts?

Based on the above, I would say it'd likely be foolish to refuse to at least explore the matter a bit.

You don't have to "agree to stay platonic" or anything else. You don't have to overthink things. Things might turn out to stay platonic, but it's not something you should just decide in advance (unless you have powerful reasons to, which isn't your case).

With what you said I'd think the answer to those two questions would have a bearing on what you should decide:

Does that person know about your peculiarities (being somewhat ace) at this point, or do they think you're just a typical potential partner?

Are there any risks of souring your professional relationship, or anything of the kind, if it fizzles in the worst possible way? (Something that doesn't matter when the other person is a "throwaway" date you found from outside your social and career circles.)

[dehro]

This is someone who tells you they are attracted to you and who seems considerate and to be worried about your feelings in general, your comfort with the pace things happen between you and not wanting to hurt you.
This level of caution, empathy and courage deserves to be appreciated and, since the feelings seem to be mutual, explored.
The two of you are talking and you are confident enough with them to share your emotions, tell them about your panic attack and keep the dialogue going. The fact that you shared this and they didn't run to the hills tells me they must be more than a little interested and that they have great character.
It sounds like they really are willing to explore things at your pace and see where they take you.
You owe it to them AND yourself to give this a chance.

[ve4grm]

I have a confusion and I don't know what to do with myself. Sorry in advance, I'm a mess. I'll try not to ramble too much.

Spoiler

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So, I kind of have a crush on somebody. But I'm grey ace and have only been interested in two other people in the last ten years so I barely have any idea what that actually means for me, what I would hypothetically want from it, &c. Plus I have something like CPTSD from my one previous relationship when I was a teenager and I've just repressed the heck out of it since then instead of dealing with it. (I'm currently in the process of scheduling an appointment with a new therapist.) I'm not sure how much of my internal conflict is because of my weird contradictory sexuality (whenever I'm feeling more grey than asexual I tend to get something like genital dysphoria; is it possible to be like, cis-neuter?) vs how much is because I'm afraid of opening up to somebody and getting hurt again. For example, a couple weeks ago we were texting and they told me they're attracted to me (whatever that even means; because I get crushes so rarely it seems like a big deal to me but it's probably not for normal people) and just that gave me a panic attack. So like, I'm a huge mess. A few days ago they told me that they felt bad about that, that just because there's mutual interest doesn't necessarily mean anything has to happen, and that they'd be worried about inadvertently hurting me. I had overslept Saturday and was several hours late taking my meds so I was in a depressive funk all weekend and haven't been able to think about my feelings properly without coming up with a bunch of self-deprecating nonsense, so we've just been chatting casually for the past couple days but I feel like I still need to address this somehow. I guess to summarise, my problem right now is that I'm super conflicted and don't even know whether I'd want to try something (assuming they'd be up for it) or whether I'd want to agree to stay platonic and just get over it. Plus I can't actually tell how interested they are (because whenever somebody says something positive about me I assume they've been tricked somehow because how could anybody possibly think something positive about me; man I really need to start talking to a therapist soon) or if the timing is bad and I should just do what I usually do when faced with difficult emotions and repress the heck out of them.

Any thoughts?

Right, so the key is talking to them of course, but the hard part is figuring out what to say.

First off, regarding how interested they are - they ARE interested. They brought up their own attraction unprompted, and stuck it out through your panic reaction. They have not been tricked. Therapy will help with this, I hope.

My advice would be to say to them something along the lines of "I'm attracted to you as well, but I have issues surrounding relationships. This will happen slowly, if it happens at all. Are you ok with that?"

If they say yes, then take things as slow as you need to. Gradually explain your ace-ness, your dysphoria feelings, etc, as you become comfortable doing so with this person (if this develops into a relationship, you'll both need to be on the same page with those things). Seeing a therapist at the same time will be great, as they can help you work through your feelings as they happen.

But above all else, remember, you deserve happiness, whether or not you believe you do. If exploring this relationship will add to your happiness, then I encourage you to do it. And if the relationship isn't what you need, that's fine too. But work through your feelings, regardless. Repressing and ignoring your emotions will just cause you pain, make you "a mess" as you put it, and you don't deserve that.

[Anymage]

Plus I can't actually tell how interested they are (because whenever somebody says something positive about me I assume they've been tricked somehow because how could anybody possibly think something positive about me; man I really need to start talking to a therapist soon) or if the timing is bad and I should just do what I usually do when faced with difficult emotions and repress the heck out of them.

This is not a romance related question. The parts you asked that are mostly have simple answers. (They think you're peachy keen. You should totally enjoy this as a friendship and not pressure yourself over what potential may come of it. Admit that you're skittish due to a relationship that went really bad, so you're going to need to ease into this even in the best of situations. And acknowledge that your psychiatric issues don't make you a fake who is undeserving of companionship, unless you're willing to extend that and say that everybody else with psychological bugaboos is also undeserving of love.)

But the leftover trash from your last relationship needs to be faced head on. Maybe with a therapist, maybe just with close friends, but it's something you'll need to do the uncomfortable work of pushing through if you want to be past it and ready to give a fair shake to someone new. And if you're facing down impostor syndrome that badly, and if your primary coping skills are shutting down and avoidance, those are going to need some serious work if you want to keep them from running roughshod over your life. Including people who think you're cute, but tons more in addition to that.

[Tvtyrant]

Weird question possibly, but would anyone be willing to chat with me on a messenger program? I don't have much experience with live chatting (besides a few old friends who use it for planning meet ups). As dating online involves cold messaging people I could use some practice.

Edit: Not time sensitive.

[georgie_leech]

Weird question possibly, but would anyone be willing to chat with me on a messenger program? I don't have much experience with live chatting (besides a few old friends who use it for planning meet ups). As dating online involves cold messaging people I could use some practice.

Edit: Not time sensitive.

Do you mean voice chatting, or texting via some app/program? Because if the latter I might be able to oblige; drop me a PM if you don't mind occasional radio silence and an odd sense of humour.

[Tvtyrant]

Do you mean voice chatting, or texting via some app/program? Because if the latter I might be able to oblige; drop me a PM if you don't mind occasional radio silence and an odd sense of humour.

God I hope the latter. I don't even own a microphone...

[Comrade]

Edit: I'm being silly, ignore this.

[JNAProductions]

Edit: I'm being silly, ignore this.

We can all be silly sometimes. If you're having trouble, though, it's worth talking about, neh?

I can't speak for anyone else here, but at least I promise not to judge you.

[RazorChain]

It seems to be very socially integrated, not just biology (unless you explain the social context as biology). There are beliefs about grading people "objective worth as a partner", and one of the variables for men is their height. A woman might not physically feel a preference for taller men, but would still like one because she and the people around her would consider such a man to be of greater value. If you took away the social context from this issue, I guess that still a big percentage of women would prefer a taller man, but most won't care that much. I don't know how international this phenomenon is, and to be honest, I'm not even sure how much of an effect it has in my country.

I'm 6'3 or 190 cm and I never have to think about my heigth....the only thing I know is that most other people are small and I always have to fetch things in the top shelves for my wife. Jokes aside the only time I hooked up with a girl because of my height was because she was a 6 footer and didn't like to date smaller men because she felt tall enough already....and with me she could wear heels The best thing about dating a person close to you in height is kissing, I didn't have to bend over to kiss her.

But I think it is right that women prefer taller men...at least taller than themselves. The expression is after all: Tall, dark and handsome

[georgie_leech]

Just some uncertainty. Hit it off with a lady in one of my classes and we exchanged phone numbers and continued chatting, but I'm kind of used to all signs pointing positive only to never hear from the person in question again, so I was fretting over whether I was missing some kind of signal reading 'DO NOT ASK ON A DATE' in no uncertain terms. But, well, I decided I could either worry all day long and end up never doing anything because of prior experiences, or I could take a chance and hope things turn out differently this time, so that's what I did. I give it even odds that in a couple of days I'll be back here going 'woe is me she never responded why does this keep happening why even bother'.

edit: But naturally five minutes after I posted that she responded in the affirmative. Guess I was being silly after all.

Congrats! The universe trying to prove you wrong seems to have worked out

[Comrade]

I'm sticking with cautious optimism for the time being. I know my luck with these things, haha.

[JNAProductions]

I'm sticking with cautious optimism for the time being. I know my luck with these things, haha.

Best of luck!

[Anonymouswizard]

Just some uncertainty. Hit it off with a lady in one of my classes and we exchanged phone numbers and continued chatting, but I'm kind of used to all signs pointing positive only to never hear from the person in question again, so I was fretting over whether I was missing some kind of signal reading 'DO NOT ASK ON A DATE' in no uncertain terms. But, well, I decided I could either worry all day long and end up never doing anything because of prior experiences, or I could take a chance and hope things turn out differently this time, so that's what I did. I give it even odds that in a couple of days I'll be back here going 'woe is me she never responded why does this keep happening why even bother'.

edit: But naturally five minutes after I posted that she responded in the affirmative. Guess I was being silly after all.

Yeah, I'm going to admit, as my one experience of 'it feels like they might want to do that' turned out to be correct (just hampered by a body of water), I'd have recommended asking her out. If she says no, then she says no, everything's out in the open, and any consequences can be dealt with. If you don't ask, you'll never know, and you could start to feel bad about it.

Then again, my experience in these matters isn't the most normal. I hope it all works out for you though.

[Sivarias]

So I'm in a bit of a pickle. The short version is I can't be around my mom without triggering... something. (PTSD? Anxiety? Dunno). She's got no idea simply because I've gotten REALLY good at hiding that stuff from people, especially her.

Essentially she's been extremely emotionally abusive all my life without meaning to be. The best part is she can't remember any of it due to various psycosis.

I've more or less cut ties, but I still try to do the dutiful son thing and go on holidays. I went on thanksgiving but was a wreck for the next three days.

Some days I do hate her. But how can you hold someone's actions against them when a) they were accidental to begin with. And b) she has no memory of them.

Am I the bad guy for not being willing to do the dutiful son thing anymore? Or should I just suck it up and lean a bit harder on my wife in the aftermath?

[Anonymouswizard]

Spoke too soon! She hit me up a bit ago with 'haha yeah I'm a vegetarian but my boyfriend isn't' (it isn't as out-of-nowhere in context) and then said she couldn't meet up tomorrow. So I definitely misinterpreted something somewhere. Oh well, not really torn up about it, although I do hope I haven't put her off and she's still amenable to meeting up on a friend basis (she must have been, after all, since she was down to meet up before).

Boy was that a roller coaster, though. The universe may not be out to prove me wrong but it sure seems to have a sense of humour.

I feel bad for you sir, it's never fun when that happens. You seem to be coming at this from a good angle to you, I hope the two of you manage to be good friends.

[Cozzer]

@Sivarias: just as you can't hold her actions against her because of these reasons, nobody can ever hold the fact that you can't see her anymore against you. Your reasons (having suffered freaking years, if not decades, of abuse) are just as rock solid as hers.

if you want to see her because, despite everything, she's changed and you want to be with the person she became for a while, then go for it. Try to find ways to minimize the pain, after accepting you can't completely avoid it, maybe. Maybe stay less time, take a few walks outside during the day/days you're there, maybe just go once in two years.

But that's only if you care about going. Don't do it out of duty, because you have no duty.

Whatever you choose, I'd suggest skipping the next holiday anyway. If you posted about this now, after bearing with it for a lot of time, it probably means you're close to your breaking point and need to do a few kindnesses to yourself.

[Sivarias]

But that's only if you care about going. Don't do it out of duty, because you have no duty.

Whatever you choose, I'd suggest skipping the next holiday anyway. If you posted about this now, after bearing with it for a lot of time, it probably means you're close to your breaking point and need to do a few kindnesses to yourself.

Thanks, I needed that. The realization for me was I spent the next 48ish hours snapping at everyone and everything. My inner cynic came out full force, and I borrowed a cigarette at work (something I've only ever done before on super stressful days, like maybe 10 times in the last year, and the day was super chill).

In other news, I got bloodwork back and finally figured out what was wrong with me. My pituitary gland more or less shut down, so weekly booster shots for 1-2 years, check to see if it reset itself, repeat! The doc says I should be high as kite on dopamine from the 20th to the 7th give or take a few days on either end, but I don't want to risk it.

*Shakes head* I still feel like a bad guy for bailing on CHRISTMAS of all holidays though. That guilt's not going away for a while.

[Cozzer]

*Shakes head* I still feel like a bad guy for bailing on CHRISTMAS of all holidays though. That guilt's not going away for a while.

Hey, you know what does wonders for guilt? An entire holiday where you can worry about pleasing no-one but yourself. Glad I was of some help!

[Anonymouswizard]

I sure hope so, but the fact that she brought up her partner and then said she couldn't meet up as planned makes me think I'm probably not going to be hearing from her again.

Yeah, sounds like it sucks. I've had something similar happen, although in that case she didn't have a boyfriend, she just wasn't interested in dating English boys (why do I always go for the foreign girls?). My only advice is to just plough onwards, if she doesn't want anything then you'll be wasting your time convincing her otherwise, if she does want to be friends then awesome, I've made great friends that way (including one who I met via her boyfriend, I was the one most weirded out by the situation). The next friend or partner or rival or enemy or whatever might be more willing to make the effort.