Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

[AuthorGirl]

NOTE: I'm on my phone, if someone could tell me how to do spoiler tags, I'll hide most of this.

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SPOILER=name of spoiler, type whatever you want here.

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For the rest of your post, I'm too ridiculously out of my depth to even try, but I hope this was helpful.

[Stadge]

Spoiler instructions.

For the rest of your post, I'm too ridiculously out of my depth to even try, but I hope this was helpful.

Thank you very much, at the minute any help regarding anything is most appreciated. I've put them in now. Thanks again

[Cozzer]

@Stadge: For what is worth, and from what I remember of your previous posts, I believe you did the right thing. Which sometimes is the hard thing, and can look like the selfish thing, and it sucks and believe me when I say I've been through something very similar.

It's probably going to get worse before it gets better, but it will get better. Stay on course, go ahead with your life and let the future you worry about the future.

[Stadge]

@Cozzer: Thanks very much for the support, I'm now struggling not to reach out and try and make things 'better' with her, but I know that's not fair.

I need to untangle a lot of things mental-health wise, and I'm working towards that (though I should have years ago), but I'm now starting to worry that my problems were the only real issues and I'm going to come through this more well-equipped personally, I'll have lost someone very special. Kind of, I've reached the depths where I've finally admitted and followed through with getting help, but also imploded everything else...

I'm glad that her family were able to get her yesterday, they got delayed by a day and it was awful knowing she was alone and dealing with the mess I caused to our lives.

Thanks again.

[Cozzer]

Kind of, I've reached the depths where I've finally admitted and followed through with getting help, but also imploded everything else

Sadly, in most cases that's what it takes to get you to the point where you're ready to ask for help. It might seem... cruel, in a way, to say it like this, but you'll be surprised by how easier it will be to find very special things (not just romantically) after you're finished repairing your own foundations.

I'm now struggling not to reach out and try and make things 'better' with her

An extremely wise move. An harsh truth I wish I realized earlier is, in these cases you cannot make things better but you can make them worse. I might go as far as suggesting to delete or put away any means to contact her, so that you can't do that on the spur of the moment. Like, give her contact info to a trusted friend who's going to ask "is this really a good idea?" whenever you ask for them.

[FinnLassie]

Boyfriend's mother hates me.

Great.

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The worst thing she's said is that I probably have all of the STDs...

[Sivarias]

Boyfriend's mother hates me.

Great.

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The worst thing she's said is that I probably have all of the STDs...

The good news is that it's normal

If it's anything like my marriage, he really doesn't care, and everytime she insults you it drives him away from her and closer to you.

In all honesty though, everytime she insults you, she insults him and his decision making process.

I'd just shrug it off as best you can and try not to retaliate. Minimize contract if you need too.

But I've got mommy issues so take my advice with a grain of salt.

[FinnLassie]

The good news is that it's normal

I really don't think this level of toxic is normal.

[Sivarias]

I really don't think this level of toxic is normal.

Ah. Sorry to hear that. If that's the case I would check the s second part of my advice.

Just let your boyfriend know that you don't appreciate the things his mother says about you and while you aren't going to ultimatum him, you are going to minimize contact to the holidays.

Would it be to difficult to grin and bear it say twice a year? Mother's day and Christmas? I'm assuming you're Finnish so thanksgiving is out and I don't think Easter is a super big deal for y'all.

What you don't do, it's a me or her ultimatum. Unless he hates his mother already, you'll most likely lose. Even if you don't, you still will because he'll resent it.

The final consideration is how long have you been together? In long term relationships you marry the family as much as the man. Consider if he's worth it to you.

Edit: on mobile so please forgive my lack of good English and verbosity.

[dehro]

Boyfriend's mother hates me.

Great.

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The worst thing she's said is that I probably have all of the STDs...

lick all of her spoons!
on a more serious note, I echo Sivarias. Tell her precious son about this (though I reckon she didn't say these things to your face so you probably heard them from him)... and let him know it's not appreciated, but also that you won't be holding it against him.
if at all possible, and if the circumstances allow this to happen, ask the woman exactly why she's holding this grudge and spreading these lies.

[FinnLassie]

lick all of her spoons!
on a more serious note, I echo Sivarias. Tell her precious son about this (though I reckon she didn't say these things to your face so you probably heard them from him)... and let him know it's not appreciated, but also that you won't be holding it against him.
if at all possible, and if the circumstances allow this to happen, ask the woman exactly why she's holding this grudge and spreading these lies.

She's not even saying this to my face, she's saying all of this stuff to him. He had a big fight a couple of nights ago but I don't it'll change anything.

There's also a language barrier. I don't share a language with his mother.

[dehro]

She's not even saying this to my face, she's saying all of this stuff to him. He had a big fight a couple of nights ago but I don't it'll change anything.

There's also a language barrier. I don't share a language with his mother.

then it's really out of your hands. Either you find some common ground with other relatives who might be in the position to at least, if not mediate, explain some of her reasons (not that that is going to make it any better), or you let your SO deal with it the best way he can, refraining from putting him on the spot, since he seems to be having your back.

[Sermil]

Boyfriend's mother hates me.

Great.

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The worst thing she's said is that I probably have all of the STDs...

Remember, you're dating the boyfriend, not his mother. As long as he supports you and loves you, what difference does it make what his mom thinks of you?

Like people said above, just avoid contact with her and let your boyfriend act as a buffer. There's not a whole lot you can do -- this has everything to do with the boyfriend / mother relationship, and nothing to do with you, and you need to let boyfriend figure out how much he's willing to tolerate her. He owns the relationship, not you, so you have to follow his lead.

[Icewraith]

Remember, you're dating the boyfriend, not his mother. As long as he supports you and loves you, what difference does it make what his mom thinks of you?

Like people said above, just avoid contact with her and let your boyfriend act as a buffer. There's not a whole lot you can do -- this has everything to do with the boyfriend / mother relationship, and nothing to do with you, and you need to let boyfriend figure out how much he's willing to tolerate her. He owns the relationship, not you, so you have to follow his lead.

Mothers have all kinds of ways to make things difficult. It shouldn't be a deal breaker by any means, and there's always the possibility that she'll come around in time. But it's not a trivial problem, either.

[FinnLassie]

I'm just extremely frustrated. My attitude is that I'm trying to confront everyone with open arms and love, but no. Initially I was planning to bring her some goddamn chocolates (meeting her the first time) or some other nice thing... right now I feel like I'm just gonna bring a bird I'll be ready to flip.

[Anonymouswizard]

Honestly, I was going to give advice, but I'm struck by the sheer improbability of her claim. Really, all of them? Couldn't she just pick one of the bad ones?

My advice is, if somebody has just decided to hate you, there's probably little you can do about it. The question is to work out why they hate you, has you boyfriend been able to shed any enlightenment on that.

I mean, my girlfriend has recommended I don't mention being bisexual to her parents because her mother has views about it. She refused to clarify what these views are, beyond that it involves gay marriage being a more complicated matter than it is and not being homophobic.

[FinnLassie]

Honestly, I was going to give advice, but I'm struck by the sheer improbability of her claim. Really, all of them? Couldn't she just pick one of the bad ones?

My advice is, if somebody has just decided to hate you, there's probably little you can do about it. The question is to work out why they hate you, has you boyfriend been able to shed any enlightenment on that.

Yeah. I think that was the harshest thing she said.

He had a discussion with her mother, well... I've told him to ask her if she hates me, but instead he asked her if she likes me. It's like... these are completely different things to ask. My boyfriend's mother's response to this was "I don't know, but I won't be all jolly about it. I don't trust her." Ok. You don't trust me. I can get behind that in a way. But it doesn't mean that she's justified to talk like that about me before even meeting me.

Spoiler: details i'd rather keep in spoilers all the way

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I would also like to clarify that his mother has been extremely abusive towards him throughout his childhood and even now in his early 20s. He unfortunately still lives at home and currently doesn't have the option to get out. He's telling me that he's used to it and he just ignores it and I should too, but... I don't take bull****. I don't stand this kind of stuff. What I feel is extreme anxiety and I'm honestly scared.

[AuthorGirl]

I'm just extremely frustrated. My attitude is that I'm trying to confront everyone with open arms and love, but no. Initially I was planning to bring her some goddamn chocolates (meeting her the first time) or some other nice thing... right now I feel like I'm just gonna bring a bird I'll be ready to flip.

Now I'm picturing you carrying a live chicken, then turning it upside down when the mother is unpleasant to you.

Yes, I know that's not what you meant.

[Sivarias]

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Spoiler: Spoiled on request

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Having been on the receiving end of that abuse. You are never just stuck at a parents house. If one is able-bodied and has a will, you can always move out. There is always a friend or stranger looking for a roommate. There is always a job/better paying job. There is always a way to minimize expenses.

I moved in with a roomate, paid my share of rent ($200) and had a monthly grocery budget of $60. I was only working part-time while going to school. There is always a way. You just need to dig for the will. Getting angry is usually the first step for me.

[FinnLassie]

Spoiler: spoil this, please

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Having been on the receiving end of that abuse. You are never just stuck at a parents house. If one is able-bodied and has a will, you can always move out. There is always a friend or stranger looking for a roommate. There is always a job/better paying job. There is always a way to minimize expenses.

I moved in with a roomate, paid my share of rent ($200) and had a monthly grocery budget of $60. I was only working part-time while going to school. There is always a way. You just need to dig for the will. Getting angry is usually the first step for me.

Could you please leave this in spoilers.

[Lacco]

I'm just extremely frustrated. My attitude is that I'm trying to confront everyone with open arms and love, but no. Initially I was planning to bring her some goddamn chocolates (meeting her the first time) or some other nice thing... right now I feel like I'm just gonna bring a bird I'll be ready to flip.

I understand the frustration, but don't. As Sermil stated - your boyfriends should be a buffer between you and her. And while I know a lot of families that are pleasant and even few pairs of in-laws that are great, you don't "marry" his family (even though many people will tell you that). It's just about setting boundaries.

We have a deal with my wife. She keeps her family in check, I keep mine. If there's a problem with my family (e.g. my wife did not like that my mother keeps manipulating her through soft emotional blackmail), I have to solve it (= have a long discussion with my mother regarding rules for communication). The same goes the other side - I would be willing and able to solve the issues that I have with the approach of my in-laws to my kids... but it's her job, not mine. I can help, advise, but - it's her family.

Especially if it's a minefield like this.

So you keep your pleasant attitude. Be the best you can be. As Sermil stated - minimize contact, but when in contact, be as polite, pleasant and chipper as you can be - for him.

And he - he has to keep his mother off your back. If he can't... well, then he won't be able to do it later and question is, whether this is the kind of relationship you would like to stay in. It would be good to maybe communicate to him - in a way he will understand - that you can't take much flak this way and he should shield you a bit.

Good luck. My in-laws are not perfect, but are far from this (weeell, once they said - in front of me - that my wife was stupid... but we solved it... at that time, I was not pleasant or chipper ).

[Chen]

If you haven't even met her yet there's still a slight chance. Be courteous and nice when you meet her. Don't sugarcoat things or say anything you're not willing to keep as your position in the future (i.e., dont lie to get on her good side unless you're willing to keep up that lie). It honestly sounds like a stereotypical "mother in law hates me irrationally" type of thing especially since you said you haven't met yet.

[Anonymouswizard]

dont lie to get on her good side unless you're willing to keep up that lie

Remove the strikethroughed bit, and that's the best advice regarding relationships you'll ever get. Don't lie to somebody to get on their good side (or at all really), there will be repercussions when they find out and you'll end up in a worse place than if you had been honest.

Exceptions are, of course, thing's like saying 'I'm fine' when people ask how you are, those points where there's an accepted response that doesn't actually mean anything. But outside of small talk, if anybody on this thread is even considering lying to somebody because they think they'll get something from it, don't do it.

[JNAProductions]

First off, big hugs to everyone who needs them. FinnLassie, you seem to be the one who's having the most trouble right now, so I'll try to give some advice. In a spoiler, since you seem to prefer that.

Spoiler: FinnLassie Advice

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You say your boyfriend's mother is being awful to you? And, more than that, your boyfriend is still living with her, and you think/know that she's being abusive?

I would advise you to help your boyfriend move out as soon as possible. It would both help you (since you'd have to deal with her less) and it would help him (by getting him out from under her thumb). I don't know enough about your financial and living situation to really say HOW to do that, but at least it's a good goal, I hope.

Second off, I could use a small touch of assistance. It's honestly pretty minor, but still. I've been dating a really cool girl for about a month now, give or take a little. She's funny, she's smart, she's all-around fun to be with. But she hasn't wanted to even kiss yet. Now, I'm a young adult of 20 years, so naturally I'm eager to be intimate in even little ways, but she's had some bad break-ups in the past and so is nervous. I haven't forced the issue or anything (I typically just ask for a goodnight kiss when we're saying goodbye, to which she has so far kept saying no) but it's getting a little frustrating.

Has anyone had a similar situation, or has any advice for what to do?

[Cozzer]

Sadly, I think it's one of these situations where doing nothing is the best course of action. There's no real solution, you can just enjoy what you do have right now until either she's ready to go further, or you're tired of waiting. I've been 20 (and since 30 is the new 20, I still am in my heart) and I completely understand how grating it can be but trust me, if you're really attracted to each other you'll have time in the future for enough physical things that you'll get bored of them. Adding more pressure can only make things worse. Personally, I would advise you to stop asking for the goodnight kiss. She knows you want it and sooner or later she'll want to give it to you and believe me, getting it that way will feel a lot better.

Now, if the lack of physical attraction means she's not that into you, that's another thing. But unless you believe that's the case, try to be confident you'll get whatever you want in the future and, for now, to enjoy what you have now, without pressing for more. Best course of action, trust me.

[IvorySongbird]

Second off, I could use a small touch of assistance. It's honestly pretty minor, but still. I've been dating a really cool girl for about a month now, give or take a little. She's funny, she's smart, she's all-around fun to be with. But she hasn't wanted to even kiss yet. Now, I'm a young adult of 20 years, so naturally I'm eager to be intimate in even little ways, but she's had some bad break-ups in the past and so is nervous. I haven't forced the issue or anything (I typically just ask for a goodnight kiss when we're saying goodbye, to which she has so far kept saying no) but it's getting a little frustrating.

Has anyone had a similar situation, or has any advice for what to do?

I have had a similar situation. In fact, my longest standing non-marriage relationship of around 3 years was very similar. The lady, whose name I am withholding out of respect, was in a bad relationship a few months before she dated me. It took her about 3-4 months of dating before she got comfortable to the point of doing 'normal' relationship stuff. In fact, during our entire 3 year relationship we never even had sex, which we were both perfectly fine without. Eventually her mother died, she got clinically depressed, and she left me because she felt I deserved better, despite my protests to the contrary, but we had a really good relationship those three years.

Rambling aside, just give it time and don't push too much. Some people have more trouble separating bad experiences in the past versus potential experiences in the future and that's perfectly okay, because everyone is different. As with most things, time will help her get past her bad experiences. If you need any advice, just message me. I only happened across this thread because the title momentarily captured my attention before I went to go put in an application for a PBP game on the forums, so that would probably be the best way to get in contact with me if you need any advice.

I wish you well in the relationship and hope everything turns out A-okay!

[AuthorGirl]

Second off, I could use a small touch of assistance. It's honestly pretty minor, but still. I've been dating a really cool girl for about a month now, give or take a little. She's funny, she's smart, she's all-around fun to be with. But she hasn't wanted to even kiss yet. Now, I'm a young adult of 20 years, so naturally I'm eager to be intimate in even little ways, but she's had some bad break-ups in the past and so is nervous. I haven't forced the issue or anything (I typically just ask for a goodnight kiss when we're saying goodbye, to which she has so far kept saying no) but it's getting a little frustrating.

Has anyone had a similar situation, or has any advice for what to do?

My boyfriend left me over that sort of thing and one other thing.

Don't do that, and you're good.

[Sivarias]

Second off, I could use a small touch of assistance. It's honestly pretty minor, but still. I've been dating a really cool girl for about a month now, give or take a little. She's funny, she's smart, she's all-around fun to be with. But she hasn't wanted to even kiss yet. Now, I'm a young adult of 20 years, so naturally I'm eager to be intimate in even little ways, but she's had some bad break-ups in the past and so is nervous. I haven't forced the issue or anything (I typically just ask for a goodnight kiss when we're saying goodbye, to which she has so far kept saying no) but it's getting a little frustrating.

Has anyone had a similar situation, or has any advice for what to do?

My boyfriend left me over that sort of thing and one other thing.

Don't do that, and you're good.

If I'm angering too many people here let me know, and I'll either spoil or take this down.

It might just be me, might just be me being a guy or whatever, but I've always been of the opinion that the physical part of the relationship is just as important as the emotional part of the relationship. I get trauma, I REALLY do. Sometimes you need to take time off, but that's just it. Take time off. If you can't be physical for whatever reason, you have no right to expect someone for whom that is an integral part of their relationship to just sit it out and wait for you.

They have a right to get their needs met elsewhere.

Honestly JNA, depending on your feelings for the girl, and/or, how things click, you most likely want to give it some time. But if the frustration becomes anger or resentment, you know a boundary of yours has been crossed. Your partner might be unable to meet those needs and NOT cross that boundary, so giving up the relationship would be best if that point gets reached.

[ve4grm]

If I'm angering too many people here let me know, and I'll either spoil or take this down.

SNIP

While you're not wrong, and the other person doesn't really have the right to expect you to wait, it must be stated as well (I think you were trying to imply it, too) that the person who wishes to have that physical affection has no right to demand it just due to the relationship.

But yes, if the expectations of physical intimacy are mismatched, leaving the relationship until such a time as that physical intimacy is an option may be best. Luckily, it doesn't quite sound like that here. If JNA is comfortable waiting for her to be ready, and the relationship means enough to do so, then wait and be patient.

[Anonymouswizard]

While I've personally never had sex, the only real view is that different things matter to different people. I mean, my partner doesn't want sex without a marriage ceremony first, and despite my occasionally complaints she knows I'm fine with it and I'm just joking. Other people wouldn't be, and the only answer there would be to not have a relationship.

(It's weird, in that hug-kryptonite combination of Autistic and English, and I legitimately want physical contract of any sort [even holding hands] more than she does)