Shippingitp IV: Flattery Will Get You EVERYWHERE

[ghost_warlock]

@RHL: Words can't express how happy I am that you're back, showing us what it means to be awesome. The Reinholdt fic was utter perfection. As for "Why Do You Say Goodbye," I can only smile knowingly and say your concerns are unfounded: I've been there and you have it spot-on.

Also, yes, Lacuna Coil is fantastic. I really like that video, too, even though it's just a photo montage. Check out Cristina in that hat towards the beginning. Utterly badass and sexy!

@TBW: Brigand was hilarious; can't help but wonder how he'll slip the noose this time. As for Pain Shaman:

w00t! Ba-Zam!

[RabbitHoleLost]

Another "stolen moment" for Phoe and Reina >>
I'm such a fangirl.

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They walked hand in hand; perfection.
The snow glistened around them, but had been cleared from the sidewalk, almost as if others hand known, and had wanted to cherish them, not taking the chance that either would slip and fall.
Though the air was bitingly cold and crisp, neither had gloves. It subtracted from the feel of the other woman, and they could walk endlessly as they were.
The frigid breeze could not halt them.
Under a tree, branches glazed in centimeters of ice, the angel and the catgirl stopped, turning simultaneously to eachother
Phoe smiled softly, pleased by the tinge of red that touched Reina's face, the only tell-tale sign of the cold that surrounded them. It was beautiful, charming.
She kissed Reina's nose, and couldn't contain the chuckle when it twitched.

...And then the snow from the top of the tree fell down upon them without warning, and Phoe sat, confused, while it became Reina's turn to laugh.

[TwoBitWriter]

Because I'm running out of time, I have managed to finish...

A Shipper's Carol

Part 2: How Cristo Lost His Groove

Starring: Cristo Meyers, Dragonrider, Saint Nil, and Deathslayer7

Spoiler

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CHIME!

There was that Grandfather clock that was discussed in the last chapter again, it was an antique that had been left to Cristo by a former business associate. A sort of revenge for having to deal with Cristo for so long. Because it always-

CHIME!

-Always chimed too loudly when Cristo was trying to sleep.

Except, this night, he wasn’t trying to sleep. He had been warned by RabbitHoleLost that he would be visited by three more spirits, in an effort to make him change his ways. Now, Cristo had been a cantankerous miser for so long that he had convinced himself that that was indeed how he wanted to be. Boy, was he about to get a surprise.

“Cristo…” came a ghostly voice behind him.

“Bah, Humperdink!” Cristo exclaimed as he leapt out of his bed and whirled around.

There, before him, floated a beautiful young girl. She had long, curly dark hair that fell over a delicate chin and neck. Her body was slender, and she wore glasses. She was holding open a book about Medieval English History. When Cristo notice her she closed the book, and smiled sweetly at him.

“So, you’re my one o’clock, I suppose,” she finally said.

“I suppose you’re the first spirit to try and change my ways? I guess RHL wasn’t as big an airhead as I thought, looks like she was right,” Cristo said.

The girl frowned, “Look, buddy, if Ms. Donkey-Link didn’t convince you, your soul is in serious jeopardy. Your karma is not square with Krishna, your dogma is circling the drain. Get my point?”

Cristo sighed. “Very well, let’s get this over with.”

The girl smiled and reached out to grab Cristo’s arm. ”Excellent, my name is Dragonrider, and I’m the Ghost of Christmas Past. My job is to show you all the Christmases of your younger days.”

Now, Cristo was such a bitter old man, that he had quite forgotten that he had even had younger days. Still, his interest was piqued. Maybe this spirit could show him where exactly he had lost that lottery ticket. It had taken him over a month to earn the money that he could have otherwise simply gotten all at once. What an irritating week that had been, and the reason he had given up on Queen Victoria’s Crazy Lotto.

The window to Cristo’s bedchamber flung open, and he felt himself being lifted into the air. Before he could protest, they had flown out of the window. Up, up, up into the sky they went, until London was a mere patchwork of rooftops and grey streets below. He couldn’t help but note that he was wearing only slippers and a nightshirt, and that any hapless Londoner who looked up would get a very unpleasant surprise..

But what goes up must come down, or so it is said. Eventually, Dragonrider was flying back down to the ground, at a much faster and more terrifying pace. Cristo was fearful that he was simply to splatter on to the streets of London, to be a spectacle to the crowds.

But it was not to be, for below, Cristo could see a town come into view. It certainly wasn’t London, for it was much smaller and didn’t have stone streets or high buildings. It did have a certain familiarity to it.

“What is this place?” Cristo asked Dragonrider.

“That is the town you grew up in, as a boy. Don’t you remember?” Dragonrider said with a slight giggle.

Indeed, now Cristo did have a plot-friendly memory of this town. He remembered how much he hated the place. His parents had been poor, so he had been forced to go through the public school system which have small budgets, ancient textbooks, and underpaid and disgruntled teaching staff.

Now they had landed, outside a little schoolhouse in the center of the town. Without saying a word, Dragonrider pulled Cristo toward the school, and they were soon inside the building.

The schoolhouse had a single large room, filled with rows of desks and headed by the teacher’s desk and blackboard. There was only one occupant in the room, a small boy at his desk, diligently working on his school assignments.

Cristo was amazed, seeing the boy. He called out to him “Cristo! Cristo!”

The boy didn’t move, or respond to Cristo’s calls at all. “He can’t hear you, you know.” Dragonrider said. “We are but invisible spirits, able to watch, but not participate.”

It was a very poetic statement, and Cristo was silenced.

“It is pretty pathetic for a boy to be alone at Christmas,” Dragonrider said.

“Well, we had just done lice-testing the day before and I- hey! That was a sad day for me and I appreciate you don’t bring it up!” Cristo said, remembering his old childhood nickname of “Lice-Boy.” Indeed, it was hardly fair that it would stay with him growing up even though he only got it once, and was rid of it when his father dipped him head-first into a vat of his mother’s cleaning bleach.

“It’s obvious that Christmas is a source of some deep-seated childhood pain, probably Freudian in nature,“ Dragonrider said.

“What the heck does that mean? Who is Freud?” Cristo asked.

Dragonrider merely smiled and waved her arms, the scene faded and reformed until Cristo and her were now standing outside of an inn, a jolly inn the likes of which you don’t see any more at road-side bars and gin-joints. “Do you recognize this place?”

“Why did we have to leave, we were only there just long enough for me to feel completely miserable!” Cristo said.

Dragonrider sighed and looked down at her watch. “Because I got another haunting I have to get to at three and though I have the ability to travel through the past, I have to return to the present eventually. Now do you recognize this place or not?”
“Well… its ol’ Saint Nil’s! Saint Nil gave me my first job! He was such a jovial old fellow!” And Cristo smiled at the memory, eagerly entering the establishment where he worked.

Saint Nil’s had once been the hottest hang-out scene in Victorian London. Big celebrities would stop by and drop some serious pound-age there. It was where big-wig literature executives made their deals and made celebrities out of their writers. It was a risqué place where is wasn’t uncommon for a woman to show a bit of ankle, or wrist. Proper women found it scandalous, but it had been the perfect place for a young man like…young Cristo to sow his wild oats.

“Cristo! Cristo my boy! Pull your head out of those books and join the fun! Its Christmas!” Saint Nil cried out to a young adult Cristo, who was busy working in the loft-office.

“In a bit, Nil, I really need to get us prepared for the New Year.”

“Come down, boy, there is someone I want you to meet!” Saint Nil cried.

Old-Miser Cristo watched as Young-Adult Cristo looked down at Saint Nil, who was motioning toward a very pretty girl.

Old Cristo gasped… there she was, his ex-wife, Deathslayer7…

Young Cristo gaped too, and Old Cristo could remember exactly what was going through his mind…

“You recognize her, don’t you?” Dragonrider asked.

“Why…why yes…” Cristo said, watching his younger self put down the books to meet Deathslayer7. “She married me just after Saint Nil died and I altered his will to receive all his wealth and property…”

“She and Saint Nil cared very much for you, I don’t really see why. I mean, you aren’t really that handsome, and you were always bad with people, and you smell just a bit…” Dragonrider said.

“I’m old now, of course I smell bad! But I smelt so fresh back then, it was this new body wash, you see, called ‘New Spice’,“ Cristo said.

“Okay, one more scene and then we can get a move on, I don’t have much time left,” Dragonrider said. And as she spoke the jolly inn where Cristo had his start, both in business and in love, was gone, replaced by another British setting, this time back in London. Only, it was still several years ago, Cristo could tell by the ridiculous outfits that the teens were wearing. Really, showing off that much ankle was absolutely shameful!

Cristo saw himself, slightly older, and Deathslayer7, walking through a snowy park. He didn’t need Dragonrider’s reminder that it was Christmas yet again, for he remembered this day well. Cristo and the Christmas Ghost silently watched the scene unfold.

“Why did we have to go to the budget-theatre again? We can afford better seats at the Mega-Magnus, with 24 Stages!” she exclaimed.

“Because, dear wife, I have still not earned enough this year to justify such frivolous purchases. You are lucky we are able to go out at all.”

“But I had to beg you for three months to go out tonight! You are usually too busy working in the office!” Deathslayer7 said.

Young, but not quite as young as before, Cristo sighed. “How many times do I have to explain it to you? I have allocated a specific budget of time and money dedicated to you. That way I don’t overspend from my new firm and royally anger my new partner, RabbitHoleLost…”

“So I’m just another ‘asset’ then?” Deathslayer asked.

“Of course, you are such a sweet asset, though my dear. Why, all the men I do business with quite admire your asset.”

“Why, I never!” Deathslayer exclaimed.

“You can keep your assets, I won’t be one of them any further!” And she stalked off, leaving slightly-older-than-before Cristo alone.

Dragonrider turned to Old-Cristo, but balked when she saw him. “You are supposed to be crying your eyes out right now. The one woman you loved just left you because you were suffering from the early stages of miserliness…”

Old Cristo was laughing. “Can you believe that I got to count those assets for two full fiscal years?” He said, watching Deathslayer run away.

The Christmas Ghost was now visibly upset. She flung up her arms and exhaled sharply. “Fine, have it your way. But you are only making it worse for yourself! We are going back, and I’m gonna make sure that my report gets filed to Future before you get around to him!”
Cristo shrugged. After all, what could a trio of spirits really do to him.

With another wave of her arms, they were back in Cristo’s home. The Grandfather clock was now showing five minutes to three.

“Thank you for that wonderful excursion, Dragonrider,” Cristo said, yawning. “Now I think I will get to sleep now…”

Dragonrider merely laughed. “We shall see…” She continued laughing as she faded into nothingness before Cristo’s eyes.

Now he was truly alone again.

He had just settled into bed, when that damn Grandfather clock decided once again to pick this moment to

CHIME!

And Cristo heard a boisterous laugh coming from downstairs…

[Vespe Ratavo]

Vespe/RHL (featuring Curly, Lex, Turtle, Magtok, and Nil)
Om Nom Nom (Or: Sweeney Todd, the Abridged Barber of Ship Street)

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Fifteen years. Fifteen years of hard labor in Enupnion, and it's all because of that damned Judge Magtok. Oh yes, that one, Miss, that very one who hung a child for some petty crime. He ruined my entire life. He killed my wife, and raised my daughter, Lexington, and now he's going to marry her, the sicko. What should I do?
Muahrhgh.
You're right, random beggar woman who looks nothing like my dead wife, Curly, I must have vengeance! So says I, Benjamin...no, that's not a very revenge-ish name at all. And he'll know I'm coming if I take that name. What should I call myself?
Veheh Rahvah.
That's it! Vespe Ratavo! Thank you beggar woman, now go bother someone else.
Mhkay.

Even after fifteen years absence, the building looked no different. It was still as old, decrepit, rotting, and bug-infested as ever. Home sweet home, Vespe thought. There was, however, one difference. The bottom floor was now home to one Rabbit's Pies.

Benj Vespe pushed open the door, peeking inside. Hello?
A customer! A flustered-looking woman in an apron rushed up to him. Welcome sir! Would you like some ale? Have a seat!
I'm just-
She ushered him to a seat, chattering rapidly. Yes, I know, people avoid this shop like the plague, but at least we're honest. You know Mrs. Castara's pies? She chops up foxes for the meat, you know, it's disgusting it is, nothing like that in my shop, sir, no sir. She set down a pie filled with...something...oozing...in front of him. Try it, it's terrible! She beamed widely.
I think I'll take your word for it.
She sighed, and sat down across from him. No one's come in weeks. Times are tough, I don't know what to do.
Well...erm...good luck with that, my name's Vespe, and I'm in the barber shop upstairs.
Oh. Hi. I'm Rabbit.
Nice to meet you, Rabbit. A bell chimed from outside. Customer. Vespe stood up, and rushed out.

Vespe frowned. First customer in years, and...Hi my name is Saint Nil and I'm a priest well technically I'm not a saint but you know sooner or later everyone's got to come up for promotion right hahha so I figure I'm just going to get a head start on the competition and-
Sir, please, it's very hard to shave if you continue to talk-
what do you mean I mean you're a good barber aren't you I figure you can handle a little chatter I always like a bit of talk its like opening your soul I think its called catharsis in Greek or Latin or something like that those languages always confuse me and ARGGGGGGH.
Blood spurted from Nil's neck. Vespe grinned at him, mockingly. Now look what you made me do, you made me go and cut your throat. Shame, that.
Nil gurgled.
What was that?
He slumped to the floor.
...oh dear. I killed him.

Vespe? Vespe? Rabbit cracked open the door. What's with all the no-oh my.
It's...erm...not what it looks like.
Really? Because it looks to me like you slit someone's throat while you were shaving him and now you're shoving him in that trunk.
Oh. Then this is exactly what it looks like. There was a resounding thump as the body of Nil fell into the trunk. It was an accident, though, I swear.
Rabbit stared at the body. ...it's a shame...
Shame?
...probably wouldn't have any one looking for him...
What are you getting at?
...such a nice plump frame...
Vespe's eyes widened. Look, I didn't like him either, but that's just wrong-
No! No! Not that! Think of it as...a gift. You know, with the price of meat what it is...
Let me get this straight. Are you proposing we chop up this man's body and bake it into pies?
Rabbit stared at her feet for a moment, before mumbling ...yes.
You're a genius!
Rabbit smiled.

Over the following weeks, the two developed their "industry" into something of a routine. Someone would come into Vespe's barber shop for a shave. He would engage them in idle banter (So, do you have any friends or relatives who might come looking if you suddenly went missing?), then cut their throat. He had a trap door installed into the chair, which dropped the former patron into the oven room, where they were cut, cleaned, and baked into Ms. Rabbit's Famous Mystery Meat Pies.

In many ways, life was good. People couldn't get enough of the pies, even as they wondered where Uncle Bob had gone off to. They were raking in the profit, and Vespe was even beginning to hatch his plot for revenge, now that he had the necessary funds.

For Rabbit, however, things were rather frustrating. Not the minor things, like covering up the fact that your business is guilty of murder, tricking people into eating human flesh, and poor customer service, but Vespe. Maybe it was the hair. Maybe it was the way he talked. Maybe it was the glint of love in his eyes as the razor blade slit open another customer's jugular vein.

Unfortunately, he seemed to be rather clueless. Rabbit had tried everything: the inconspicuous (So what are you doing later? Killing people), the obvious (I think I love you. What was that? Couldn't hear you, this man's screaming too loud), and even the paradoxical (Would you not maybe never consider the possibility of refusing to not- Killing people is fun and therapeutic!), and nothing had worked.

But today's the day, I'm sure of it. I'm going to stop him right as he's coming in, and I'm going to tell him. Rabbit gulped. Here he comes... Vespe, I-
He shoved right past her. Can't talk, evil judge who ruined my life coming for a shave, need to get prepared.
Oh. Um...

At that moment, a man in a long, flowing black robe burst through the door. He had the unmistakable stench of pure malice (and a bit of a goatee). ...Judge Magtok, I presume?
I have come for teh shavez.
Right this way, sir.

So...if, say, some crazed murderous barber were to slit your throat, would anyone come looking for you?
Well, Lex might.
Lex?
No, on second thought, she wouldn't. You see, I sent this guy to Enupnion on false charges, made his wife kill herself, and Lex - their daughter - I adopted her, and now I'm going to marry her. Heheh. I iz evil.
I see. Well, I'm sorry to say that-

At that very moment, a woman burst through the door. I'm in love with your daughter.
Who the hell are you?
My name is Happy Turtle, and I want your permission to marry Lex.
Absolutely not! The two men glared at each other. Your daughter?
Magtok stood up, wiping the remaining shaving cream from his face. Hmmph. See if I ever come here again. He stomped out.

Vespe's eye twitched. Just a little bit. Then quite a lot. YOU IDIOT!
What did I do?
I was just about to get revenge on him, but now he's going to marry my daughter!
Oh dear.
It's okay, I've got a plan. Vespe grinned...evilly.

Knock. Knock. Magtok opened the door. Yes?
Hello, sir, my name is Not Happy Turtle, and I'm a wigmakers apprentice. May I come into your asylum and kidnap one of your prisoners?
I don't see why not, just don't take Lex, I'm keeping her there until I marry her.

Lex sat crying in the corner, presumably due to the fact that the ship has been going on this long and this is her first appearance. A knock came on the cell door. Lex?
Happy! You're the one who's been sending me all those creepy letters!
Indeed. Come with me, we're going to meet your father. The cell door swung open.
Dad? He's alive?
Yes, now hurry up. The two sprinted out.

Magtok stomped into the barber shop. The only person there was Vespe, grinning smugly. Ah, you've come back. Want me to finish that shave?
Don't be stupid, I know you've got Lex somewhere around here, where is she?
You want to look your best, don't you?
Magtok sighed. I suppose. He sat in the chair. So, have you heard about all these people who have been disappear-aaaaa thump.
I love that trap door. Vespe followed him down. Lex, Happy, and Rabbit stood in the oven room, staring at the corpse formerly known as Magtok.
...is that it?
So his neck's broken, me and Lex can run away together, and you two can get back to whatever it was you were doing?
It seems...too easy.
Oh, relax! I say we should all celebrate! Pies on the house!
Pass.
We know what you make them out of. Lex and Happy stuck out their tongues in disgust, and left.
Rabbit shrugged. I want one.

At that very moment, a raggedy looking woman, dressed in rags, stumbled into the oven room. Baragh mah mah vah!
Vespe sighed, pulled out his knife, and cut her throat, before his eyes widened in horror. Curly! He knelt down beside the corpse. Oh gods, I thought you were dead!
Rabbit whistled innocently. Vespe stood up, pointing an accusing finger at her. You! Why didn't you tell me she was alive?
Because...I love you. And she was barely alive as it is...I just wanted you to be happy.
...is that true?
Yes.
Vespe stumbled over to her, and embraced her, laughing and crying at the same time. It's okay. I understand. We can keep the business going. I love you too.
A tear streamed down Rabbit's face. Is that true?

Ending 1

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Yes. The two never got discovered, kept killing people and selling their flesh in pies, and lived happily ever after. Boring.

Ending 2

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No. Vespe shoved her into the oven and slammed it shut. He blinked. He began to laugh. He laughed through the sound of her screams. He laughed through the following silence. He laughed as the guards swarmed the building, and led him away in chains. He laughed as they put the noose around his neck.

To this day, one can still hear the reverberating screams and laughter in the basement of the Om Nom Nom National History Museum. Together. Forever.

[TwoBitWriter]

Vespe/RHL (featuring Curly, Lex, Turtle, Magtok, and Nil)
Om Nom Nom (Or: Sweeney Todd, the Abridged Barber of Ship Street)

Spoiler

Show

Fifteen years. Fifteen years of hard labor in Enupnion, and it's all because of that damned Judge Magtok. Oh yes, that one, Miss, that very one who hung a child for some petty crime. He ruined my entire life. He killed my wife, and raised my daughter, Lexington, and now he's going to marry her, the sicko. What should I do?
Muahrhgh.
You're right, random beggar woman who looks nothing like my dead wife, Curly, I must have vengeance! So says I, Benjamin...no, that's not a very revenge-ish name at all. And he'll know I'm coming if I take that name. What should I call myself?
Veheh Rahvah.
That's it! Vespe Ratavo! Thank you beggar woman, now go bother someone else.
Mhkay.

Even after fifteen years absence, the building looked no different. It was still as old, decrepit, rotting, and bug-infested as ever. Home sweet home, Vespe thought. There was, however, one difference. The bottom floor was now home to one Rabbit's Pies.

Benj Vespe pushed open the door, peeking inside. Hello?
A customer! A flustered-looking woman in an apron rushed up to him. Welcome sir! Would you like some ale? Have a seat!
I'm just-
She ushered him to a seat, chattering rapidly. Yes, I know, people avoid this shop like the plague, but at least we're honest. You know Mrs. Castara's pies? She chops up foxes for the meat, you know, it's disgusting it is, nothing like that in my shop, sir, no sir. She set down a pie filled with...something...oozing...in front of him. Try it, it's terrible! She beamed widely.
I think I'll take your word for it.
She sighed, and sat down across from him. No one's come in weeks. Times are tough, I don't know what to do.
Well...erm...good luck with that, my name's Vespe, and I'm in the barber shop upstairs.
Oh. Hi. I'm Rabbit.
Nice to meet you, Rabbit. A bell chimed from outside. Customer. Vespe stood up, and rushed out.

Vespe frowned. First customer in years, and...Hi my name is Saint Nil and I'm a priest well technically I'm not a saint but you know sooner or later everyone's got to come up for promotion right hahha so I figure I'm just going to get a head start on the competition and-
Sir, please, it's very hard to shave if you continue to talk-
what do you mean I mean you're a good barber aren't you I figure you can handle a little chatter I always like a bit of talk its like opening your soul I think its called catharsis in Greek or Latin or something like that those languages always confuse me and ARGGGGGGH.
Blood spurted from Nil's neck. Vespe grinned at him, mockingly. Now look what you made me do, you made me go and cut your throat. Shame, that.
Nil gurgled.
What was that?
He slumped to the floor.
...oh dear. I killed him.

Vespe? Vespe? Rabbit cracked open the door. What's with all the no-oh my.
It's...erm...not what it looks like.
Really? Because it looks to me like you slit someone's throat while you were shaving him and now you're shoving him in that trunk.
Oh. Then this is exactly what it looks like. There was a resounding thump as the body of Nil fell into the trunk. It was an accident, though, I swear.
Rabbit stared at the body. ...it's a shame...
Shame?
...probably wouldn't have any one looking for him...
What are you getting at?
...such a nice plump frame...
Vespe's eyes widened. Look, I didn't like him either, but that's just wrong-
No! No! Not that! Think of it as...a gift. You know, with the price of meat what it is...
Let me get this straight. Are you proposing we chop up this man's body and bake it into pies?
Rabbit stared at her feet for a moment, before mumbling ...yes.
You're a genius!
Rabbit smiled.

Over the following weeks, the two developed their "industry" into something of a routine. Someone would come into Vespe's barber shop for a shave. He would engage them in idle banter (So, do you have any friends or relatives who might come looking if you suddenly went missing?), then cut their throat. He had a trap door installed into the chair, which dropped the former patron into the oven room, where they were cut, cleaned, and baked into Ms. Rabbit's Famous Mystery Meat Pies.

In many ways, life was good. People couldn't get enough of the pies, even as they wondered where Uncle Bob had gone off to. They were raking in the profit, and Vespe was even beginning to hatch his plot for revenge, now that he had the necessary funds.

For Rabbit, however, things were rather frustrating. Not the minor things, like covering up the fact that your business is guilty of murder, tricking people into eating human flesh, and poor customer service, but Vespe. Maybe it was the hair. Maybe it was the way he talked. Maybe it was the glint of love in his eyes as the razor blade slit open another customer's jugular vein.

Unfortunately, he seemed to be rather clueless. Rabbit had tried everything: the inconspicuous (So what are you doing later? Killing people), the obvious (I think I love you. What was that? Couldn't hear you, this man's screaming too loud), and even the paradoxical (Would you not maybe never consider the possibility of refusing to not- Killing people is fun and therapeutic!), and nothing had worked.

But today's the day, I'm sure of it. I'm going to stop him right as he's coming in, and I'm going to tell him. Rabbit gulped. Here he comes... Vespe, I-
He shoved right past her. Can't talk, evil judge who ruined my life coming for a shave, need to get prepared.
Oh. Um...

At that moment, a man in a long, flowing black robe burst through the door. He had the unmistakable stench of pure malice (and a bit of a goatee). ...Judge Magtok, I presume?
I have come for teh shavez.
Right this way, sir.

So...if, say, some crazed murderous barber were to slit your throat, would anyone come looking for you?
Well, Lex might.
Lex?
No, on second thought, she wouldn't. You see, I sent this guy to Enupnion on false charges, made his wife kill herself, and Lex - their daughter - I adopted her, and now I'm going to marry her. Heheh. I iz evil.
I see. Well, I'm sorry to say that-

At that very moment, a woman burst through the door. I'm in love with your daughter.
Who the hell are you?
My name is Happy Turtle, and I want your permission to marry Lex.
Absolutely not! The two men glared at each other. Your daughter?
Magtok stood up, wiping the remaining shaving cream from his face. Hmmph. See if I ever come here again. He stomped out.

Vespe's eye twitched. Just a little bit. Then quite a lot. YOU IDIOT!
What did I do?
I was just about to get revenge on him, but now he's going to marry my daughter!
Oh dear.
It's okay, I've got a plan. Vespe grinned...evilly.

Knock. Knock. Magtok opened the door. Yes?
Hello, sir, my name is Not Happy Turtle, and I'm a wigmakers apprentice. May I come into your asylum and kidnap one of your prisoners?
I don't see why not, just don't take Lex, I'm keeping her there until I marry her.

Lex sat crying in the corner, presumably due to the fact that the ship has been going on this long and this is her first appearance. A knock came on the cell door. Lex?
Happy! You're the one who's been sending me all those creepy letters!
Indeed. Come with me, we're going to meet your father. The cell door swung open.
Dad? He's alive?
Yes, now hurry up. The two sprinted out.

Magtok stomped into the barber shop. The only person there was Vespe, grinning smugly. Ah, you've come back. Want me to finish that shave?
Don't be stupid, I know you've got Lex somewhere around here, where is she?
You want to look your best, don't you?
Magtok sighed. I suppose. He sat in the chair. So, have you heard about all these people who have been disappear-aaaaa thump.
I love that trap door. Vespe followed him down. Lex, Happy, and Rabbit stood in the oven room, staring at the corpse formerly known as Magtok.
...is that it?
So his neck's broken, me and Lex can run away together, and you two can get back to whatever it was you were doing?
It seems...too easy.
Oh, relax! I say we should all celebrate! Pies on the house!
Pass.
We know what you make them out of. Lex and Happy stuck out their tongues in disgust, and left.
Rabbit shrugged. I want one.

At that very moment, a raggedy looking woman, dressed in rags, stumbled into the oven room. Baragh mah mah vah!
Vespe sighed, pulled out his knife, and cut her throat, before his eyes widened in horror. Curly! He knelt down beside the corpse. Oh gods, I thought you were dead!
Rabbit whistled innocently. Vespe stood up, pointing an accusing finger at her. You! Why didn't you tell me she was alive?
Because...I love you. And she was barely alive as it is...I just wanted you to be happy.
...is that true?
Yes.
Vespe stumbled over to her, and embraced her, laughing and crying at the same time. It's okay. I understand. We can keep the business going. I love you too.
A tear streamed down Rabbit's face. Is that true?

Ending 1

Spoiler

Show

Yes. The two never got discovered, kept killing people and selling their flesh in pies, and lived happily ever after. Boring.

Ending 2

Spoiler

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No. Vespe shoved her into the oven and slammed it shut. He blinked. He began to laugh. He laughed through the sound of her screams. He laughed through the following silence. He laughed as the guards swarmed the building, and led him away in chains. He laughed as they put the noose around his neck.

To this day, one can still hear the reverberating screams and laughter in the basement of the Om Nom Nom National History Museum. Together. Forever.

Epic win, my friend! Epic win!

Completely brilliant! I literally woke up my wife, by laughing!
She now wants me to go to bed...

I don't blame you though. Excellent work!

[Dallas-Dakota]

Vespe/RHL (featuring Curly, Lex, Turtle, Magtok, and Nil)
Om Nom Nom (Or: Sweeney Todd, the Abridged Barber of Ship Street)

Spoiler

Show

Fifteen years. Fifteen years of hard labor in Enupnion, and it's all because of that damned Judge Magtok. Oh yes, that one, Miss, that very one who hung a child for some petty crime. He ruined my entire life. He killed my wife, and raised my daughter, Lexington, and now he's going to marry her, the sicko. What should I do?
Muahrhgh.
You're right, random beggar woman who looks nothing like my dead wife, Curly, I must have vengeance! So says I, Benjamin...no, that's not a very revenge-ish name at all. And he'll know I'm coming if I take that name. What should I call myself?
Veheh Rahvah.
That's it! Vespe Ratavo! Thank you beggar woman, now go bother someone else.
Mhkay.

Even after fifteen years absence, the building looked no different. It was still as old, decrepit, rotting, and bug-infested as ever. Home sweet home, Vespe thought. There was, however, one difference. The bottom floor was now home to one Rabbit's Pies.

Benj Vespe pushed open the door, peeking inside. Hello?
A customer! A flustered-looking woman in an apron rushed up to him. Welcome sir! Would you like some ale? Have a seat!
I'm just-
She ushered him to a seat, chattering rapidly. Yes, I know, people avoid this shop like the plague, but at least we're honest. You know Mrs. Castara's pies? She chops up foxes for the meat, you know, it's disgusting it is, nothing like that in my shop, sir, no sir. She set down a pie filled with...something...oozing...in front of him. Try it, it's terrible! She beamed widely.
I think I'll take your word for it.
She sighed, and sat down across from him. No one's come in weeks. Times are tough, I don't know what to do.
Well...erm...good luck with that, my name's Vespe, and I'm in the barber shop upstairs.
Oh. Hi. I'm Rabbit.
Nice to meet you, Rabbit. A bell chimed from outside. Customer. Vespe stood up, and rushed out.

Vespe frowned. First customer in years, and...Hi my name is Saint Nil and I'm a priest well technically I'm not a saint but you know sooner or later everyone's got to come up for promotion right hahha so I figure I'm just going to get a head start on the competition and-
Sir, please, it's very hard to shave if you continue to talk-
what do you mean I mean you're a good barber aren't you I figure you can handle a little chatter I always like a bit of talk its like opening your soul I think its called catharsis in Greek or Latin or something like that those languages always confuse me and ARGGGGGGH.
Blood spurted from Nil's neck. Vespe grinned at him, mockingly. Now look what you made me do, you made me go and cut your throat. Shame, that.
Nil gurgled.
What was that?
He slumped to the floor.
...oh dear. I killed him.

Vespe? Vespe? Rabbit cracked open the door. What's with all the no-oh my.
It's...erm...not what it looks like.
Really? Because it looks to me like you slit someone's throat while you were shaving him and now you're shoving him in that trunk.
Oh. Then this is exactly what it looks like. There was a resounding thump as the body of Nil fell into the trunk. It was an accident, though, I swear.
Rabbit stared at the body. ...it's a shame...
Shame?
...probably wouldn't have any one looking for him...
What are you getting at?
...such a nice plump frame...
Vespe's eyes widened. Look, I didn't like him either, but that's just wrong-
No! No! Not that! Think of it as...a gift. You know, with the price of meat what it is...
Let me get this straight. Are you proposing we chop up this man's body and bake it into pies?
Rabbit stared at her feet for a moment, before mumbling ...yes.
You're a genius!
Rabbit smiled.

Over the following weeks, the two developed their "industry" into something of a routine. Someone would come into Vespe's barber shop for a shave. He would engage them in idle banter (So, do you have any friends or relatives who might come looking if you suddenly went missing?), then cut their throat. He had a trap door installed into the chair, which dropped the former patron into the oven room, where they were cut, cleaned, and baked into Ms. Rabbit's Famous Mystery Meat Pies.

In many ways, life was good. People couldn't get enough of the pies, even as they wondered where Uncle Bob had gone off to. They were raking in the profit, and Vespe was even beginning to hatch his plot for revenge, now that he had the necessary funds.

For Rabbit, however, things were rather frustrating. Not the minor things, like covering up the fact that your business is guilty of murder, tricking people into eating human flesh, and poor customer service, but Vespe. Maybe it was the hair. Maybe it was the way he talked. Maybe it was the glint of love in his eyes as the razor blade slit open another customer's jugular vein.

Unfortunately, he seemed to be rather clueless. Rabbit had tried everything: the inconspicuous (So what are you doing later? Killing people), the obvious (I think I love you. What was that? Couldn't hear you, this man's screaming too loud), and even the paradoxical (Would you not maybe never consider the possibility of refusing to not- Killing people is fun and therapeutic!), and nothing had worked.

But today's the day, I'm sure of it. I'm going to stop him right as he's coming in, and I'm going to tell him. Rabbit gulped. Here he comes... Vespe, I-
He shoved right past her. Can't talk, evil judge who ruined my life coming for a shave, need to get prepared.
Oh. Um...

At that moment, a man in a long, flowing black robe burst through the door. He had the unmistakable stench of pure malice (and a bit of a goatee). ...Judge Magtok, I presume?
I have come for teh shavez.
Right this way, sir.

So...if, say, some crazed murderous barber were to slit your throat, would anyone come looking for you?
Well, Lex might.
Lex?
No, on second thought, she wouldn't. You see, I sent this guy to Enupnion on false charges, made his wife kill herself, and Lex - their daughter - I adopted her, and now I'm going to marry her. Heheh. I iz evil.
I see. Well, I'm sorry to say that-

At that very moment, a woman burst through the door. I'm in love with your daughter.
Who the hell are you?
My name is Happy Turtle, and I want your permission to marry Lex.
Absolutely not! The two men glared at each other. Your daughter?
Magtok stood up, wiping the remaining shaving cream from his face. Hmmph. See if I ever come here again. He stomped out.

Vespe's eye twitched. Just a little bit. Then quite a lot. YOU IDIOT!
What did I do?
I was just about to get revenge on him, but now he's going to marry my daughter!
Oh dear.
It's okay, I've got a plan. Vespe grinned...evilly.

Knock. Knock. Magtok opened the door. Yes?
Hello, sir, my name is Not Happy Turtle, and I'm a wigmakers apprentice. May I come into your asylum and kidnap one of your prisoners?
I don't see why not, just don't take Lex, I'm keeping her there until I marry her.

Lex sat crying in the corner, presumably due to the fact that the ship has been going on this long and this is her first appearance. A knock came on the cell door. Lex?
Happy! You're the one who's been sending me all those creepy letters!
Indeed. Come with me, we're going to meet your father. The cell door swung open.
Dad? He's alive?
Yes, now hurry up. The two sprinted out.

Magtok stomped into the barber shop. The only person there was Vespe, grinning smugly. Ah, you've come back. Want me to finish that shave?
Don't be stupid, I know you've got Lex somewhere around here, where is she?
You want to look your best, don't you?
Magtok sighed. I suppose. He sat in the chair. So, have you heard about all these people who have been disappear-aaaaa thump.
I love that trap door. Vespe followed him down. Lex, Happy, and Rabbit stood in the oven room, staring at the corpse formerly known as Magtok.
...is that it?
So his neck's broken, me and Lex can run away together, and you two can get back to whatever it was you were doing?
It seems...too easy.
Oh, relax! I say we should all celebrate! Pies on the house!
Pass.
We know what you make them out of. Lex and Happy stuck out their tongues in disgust, and left.
Rabbit shrugged. I want one.

At that very moment, a raggedy looking woman, dressed in rags, stumbled into the oven room. Baragh mah mah vah!
Vespe sighed, pulled out his knife, and cut her throat, before his eyes widened in horror. Curly! He knelt down beside the corpse. Oh gods, I thought you were dead!
Rabbit whistled innocently. Vespe stood up, pointing an accusing finger at her. You! Why didn't you tell me she was alive?
Because...I love you. And she was barely alive as it is...I just wanted you to be happy.
...is that true?
Yes.
Vespe stumbled over to her, and embraced her, laughing and crying at the same time. It's okay. I understand. We can keep the business going. I love you too.
A tear streamed down Rabbit's face. Is that true?

Ending 1

Spoiler

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Yes. The two never got discovered, kept killing people and selling their flesh in pies, and lived happily ever after. Boring.

Ending 2

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No. Vespe shoved her into the oven and slammed it shut. He blinked. He began to laugh. He laughed through the sound of her screams. He laughed through the following silence. He laughed as the guards swarmed the building, and led him away in chains. He laughed as they put the noose around his neck.

To this day, one can still hear the reverberating screams and laughter in the basement of the Om Nom Nom National History Museum. Together. Forever.

You...made...a fic called....Om nom nom ...without me in it?

[RabbitHoleLost]

Vespe/RHL (featuring Curly, Lex, Turtle, Magtok, and Nil)
Om Nom Nom (Or: Sweeney Todd, the Abridged Barber of Ship Street)

Spoiler

Show

Fifteen years. Fifteen years of hard labor in Enupnion, and it's all because of that damned Judge Magtok. Oh yes, that one, Miss, that very one who hung a child for some petty crime. He ruined my entire life. He killed my wife, and raised my daughter, Lexington, and now he's going to marry her, the sicko. What should I do?
Muahrhgh.
You're right, random beggar woman who looks nothing like my dead wife, Curly, I must have vengeance! So says I, Benjamin...no, that's not a very revenge-ish name at all. And he'll know I'm coming if I take that name. What should I call myself?
Veheh Rahvah.
That's it! Vespe Ratavo! Thank you beggar woman, now go bother someone else.
Mhkay.

Even after fifteen years absence, the building looked no different. It was still as old, decrepit, rotting, and bug-infested as ever. Home sweet home, Vespe thought. There was, however, one difference. The bottom floor was now home to one Rabbit's Pies.

Benj Vespe pushed open the door, peeking inside. Hello?
A customer! A flustered-looking woman in an apron rushed up to him. Welcome sir! Would you like some ale? Have a seat!
I'm just-
She ushered him to a seat, chattering rapidly. Yes, I know, people avoid this shop like the plague, but at least we're honest. You know Mrs. Castara's pies? She chops up foxes for the meat, you know, it's disgusting it is, nothing like that in my shop, sir, no sir. She set down a pie filled with...something...oozing...in front of him. Try it, it's terrible! She beamed widely.
I think I'll take your word for it.
She sighed, and sat down across from him. No one's come in weeks. Times are tough, I don't know what to do.
Well...erm...good luck with that, my name's Vespe, and I'm in the barber shop upstairs.
Oh. Hi. I'm Rabbit.
Nice to meet you, Rabbit. A bell chimed from outside. Customer. Vespe stood up, and rushed out.

Vespe frowned. First customer in years, and...Hi my name is Saint Nil and I'm a priest well technically I'm not a saint but you know sooner or later everyone's got to come up for promotion right hahha so I figure I'm just going to get a head start on the competition and-
Sir, please, it's very hard to shave if you continue to talk-
what do you mean I mean you're a good barber aren't you I figure you can handle a little chatter I always like a bit of talk its like opening your soul I think its called catharsis in Greek or Latin or something like that those languages always confuse me and ARGGGGGGH.
Blood spurted from Nil's neck. Vespe grinned at him, mockingly. Now look what you made me do, you made me go and cut your throat. Shame, that.
Nil gurgled.
What was that?
He slumped to the floor.
...oh dear. I killed him.

Vespe? Vespe? Rabbit cracked open the door. What's with all the no-oh my.
It's...erm...not what it looks like.
Really? Because it looks to me like you slit someone's throat while you were shaving him and now you're shoving him in that trunk.
Oh. Then this is exactly what it looks like. There was a resounding thump as the body of Nil fell into the trunk. It was an accident, though, I swear.
Rabbit stared at the body. ...it's a shame...
Shame?
...probably wouldn't have any one looking for him...
What are you getting at?
...such a nice plump frame...
Vespe's eyes widened. Look, I didn't like him either, but that's just wrong-
No! No! Not that! Think of it as...a gift. You know, with the price of meat what it is...
Let me get this straight. Are you proposing we chop up this man's body and bake it into pies?
Rabbit stared at her feet for a moment, before mumbling ...yes.
You're a genius!
Rabbit smiled.

Over the following weeks, the two developed their "industry" into something of a routine. Someone would come into Vespe's barber shop for a shave. He would engage them in idle banter (So, do you have any friends or relatives who might come looking if you suddenly went missing?), then cut their throat. He had a trap door installed into the chair, which dropped the former patron into the oven room, where they were cut, cleaned, and baked into Ms. Rabbit's Famous Mystery Meat Pies.

In many ways, life was good. People couldn't get enough of the pies, even as they wondered where Uncle Bob had gone off to. They were raking in the profit, and Vespe was even beginning to hatch his plot for revenge, now that he had the necessary funds.

For Rabbit, however, things were rather frustrating. Not the minor things, like covering up the fact that your business is guilty of murder, tricking people into eating human flesh, and poor customer service, but Vespe. Maybe it was the hair. Maybe it was the way he talked. Maybe it was the glint of love in his eyes as the razor blade slit open another customer's jugular vein.

Unfortunately, he seemed to be rather clueless. Rabbit had tried everything: the inconspicuous (So what are you doing later? Killing people), the obvious (I think I love you. What was that? Couldn't hear you, this man's screaming too loud), and even the paradoxical (Would you not maybe never consider the possibility of refusing to not- Killing people is fun and therapeutic!), and nothing had worked.

But today's the day, I'm sure of it. I'm going to stop him right as he's coming in, and I'm going to tell him. Rabbit gulped. Here he comes... Vespe, I-
He shoved right past her. Can't talk, evil judge who ruined my life coming for a shave, need to get prepared.
Oh. Um...

At that moment, a man in a long, flowing black robe burst through the door. He had the unmistakable stench of pure malice (and a bit of a goatee). ...Judge Magtok, I presume?
I have come for teh shavez.
Right this way, sir.

So...if, say, some crazed murderous barber were to slit your throat, would anyone come looking for you?
Well, Lex might.
Lex?
No, on second thought, she wouldn't. You see, I sent this guy to Enupnion on false charges, made his wife kill herself, and Lex - their daughter - I adopted her, and now I'm going to marry her. Heheh. I iz evil.
I see. Well, I'm sorry to say that-

At that very moment, a woman burst through the door. I'm in love with your daughter.
Who the hell are you?
My name is Happy Turtle, and I want your permission to marry Lex.
Absolutely not! The two men glared at each other. Your daughter?
Magtok stood up, wiping the remaining shaving cream from his face. Hmmph. See if I ever come here again. He stomped out.

Vespe's eye twitched. Just a little bit. Then quite a lot. YOU IDIOT!
What did I do?
I was just about to get revenge on him, but now he's going to marry my daughter!
Oh dear.
It's okay, I've got a plan. Vespe grinned...evilly.

Knock. Knock. Magtok opened the door. Yes?
Hello, sir, my name is Not Happy Turtle, and I'm a wigmakers apprentice. May I come into your asylum and kidnap one of your prisoners?
I don't see why not, just don't take Lex, I'm keeping her there until I marry her.

Lex sat crying in the corner, presumably due to the fact that the ship has been going on this long and this is her first appearance. A knock came on the cell door. Lex?
Happy! You're the one who's been sending me all those creepy letters!
Indeed. Come with me, we're going to meet your father. The cell door swung open.
Dad? He's alive?
Yes, now hurry up. The two sprinted out.

Magtok stomped into the barber shop. The only person there was Vespe, grinning smugly. Ah, you've come back. Want me to finish that shave?
Don't be stupid, I know you've got Lex somewhere around here, where is she?
You want to look your best, don't you?
Magtok sighed. I suppose. He sat in the chair. So, have you heard about all these people who have been disappear-aaaaa thump.
I love that trap door. Vespe followed him down. Lex, Happy, and Rabbit stood in the oven room, staring at the corpse formerly known as Magtok.
...is that it?
So his neck's broken, me and Lex can run away together, and you two can get back to whatever it was you were doing?
It seems...too easy.
Oh, relax! I say we should all celebrate! Pies on the house!
Pass.
We know what you make them out of. Lex and Happy stuck out their tongues in disgust, and left.
Rabbit shrugged. I want one.

At that very moment, a raggedy looking woman, dressed in rags, stumbled into the oven room. Baragh mah mah vah!
Vespe sighed, pulled out his knife, and cut her throat, before his eyes widened in horror. Curly! He knelt down beside the corpse. Oh gods, I thought you were dead!
Rabbit whistled innocently. Vespe stood up, pointing an accusing finger at her. You! Why didn't you tell me she was alive?
Because...I love you. And she was barely alive as it is...I just wanted you to be happy.
...is that true?
Yes.
Vespe stumbled over to her, and embraced her, laughing and crying at the same time. It's okay. I understand. We can keep the business going. I love you too.
A tear streamed down Rabbit's face. Is that true?

Ending 1

Spoiler

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Yes. The two never got discovered, kept killing people and selling their flesh in pies, and lived happily ever after. Boring.

Ending 2

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No. Vespe shoved her into the oven and slammed it shut. He blinked. He began to laugh. He laughed through the sound of her screams. He laughed through the following silence. He laughed as the guards swarmed the building, and led him away in chains. He laughed as they put the noose around his neck.

To this day, one can still hear the reverberating screams and laughter in the basement of the Om Nom Nom National History Museum. Together. Forever.

For srs. Win.
Rabbit is appeased.
::fangirly squeal::

[Lex-Kat]

Brilliant. Loved the second ending best. And you know, I was starting to wonder if I was going to actually appear, and not just be mentioned.

[ghost_warlock]

Another "stolen moment" for Phoe and Reina >>
I'm such a fangirl.

Spoiler

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They walked hand in hand; perfection.
The snow glistened around them, but had been cleared from the sidewalk, almost as if others hand known, and had wanted to cherish them, not taking the chance that either would slip and fall.
Though the air was bitingly cold and crisp, neither had gloves. It subtracted from the feel of the other woman, and they could walk endlessly as they were.
The frigid breeze could not halt them.
Under a tree, branches glazed in centimeters of ice, the angel and the catgirl stopped, turning simultaneously to eachother
Phoe smiled softly, pleased by the tinge of red that touched Reina's face, the only tell-tale sign of the cold that surrounded them. It was beautiful, charming.
She kissed Reina's nose, and couldn't contain the chuckle when it twitched.

...And then the snow from the top of the tree fell down upon them without warning, and Phoe sat, confused, while it became Reina's turn to laugh.

*snicker* Another adorable, humorous 'ship from our beloved Rabbit. I don't know either Reina or Phoe very well, but I think if you keep writing 'ships like this for them I'm going to start /fanboy'ing them, too.

Because I'm running out of time, I have managed to finish...

A Shipper's Carol

Part 2: How Cristo Lost His Groove

Starring: Cristo Meyers, Dragonrider, Saint Nil, and Deathslayer7

Spoiler

Show

CHIME!

There was that Grandfather clock that was discussed in the last chapter again, it was an antique that had been left to Cristo by a former business associate. A sort of revenge for having to deal with Cristo for so long. Because it always-

CHIME!

-Always chimed too loudly when Cristo was trying to sleep.

Except, this night, he wasn’t trying to sleep. He had been warned by RabbitHoleLost that he would be visited by three more spirits, in an effort to make him change his ways. Now, Cristo had been a cantankerous miser for so long that he had convinced himself that that was indeed how he wanted to be. Boy, was he about to get a surprise.

“Cristo…” came a ghostly voice behind him.

“Bah, Humperdink!” Cristo exclaimed as he leapt out of his bed and whirled around.

There, before him, floated a beautiful young girl. She had long, curly dark hair that fell over a delicate chin and neck. Her body was slender, and she wore glasses. She was holding open a book about Medieval English History. When Cristo notice her she closed the book, and smiled sweetly at him.

“So, you’re my one o’clock, I suppose,” she finally said.

“I suppose you’re the first spirit to try and change my ways? I guess RHL wasn’t as big an airhead as I thought, looks like she was right,” Cristo said.

The girl frowned, “Look, buddy, if Ms. Donkey-Link didn’t convince you, your soul is in serious jeopardy. Your karma is not square with Krishna, your dogma is circling the drain. Get my point?”

Cristo sighed. “Very well, let’s get this over with.”

The girl smiled and reached out to grab Cristo’s arm. ”Excellent, my name is Dragonrider, and I’m the Ghost of Christmas Past. My job is to show you all the Christmases of your younger days.”

Now, Cristo was such a bitter old man, that he had quite forgotten that he had even had younger days. Still, his interest was piqued. Maybe this spirit could show him where exactly he had lost that lottery ticket. It had taken him over a month to earn the money that he could have otherwise simply gotten all at once. What an irritating week that had been, and the reason he had given up on Queen Victoria’s Crazy Lotto.

The window to Cristo’s bedchamber flung open, and he felt himself being lifted into the air. Before he could protest, they had flown out of the window. Up, up, up into the sky they went, until London was a mere patchwork of rooftops and grey streets below. He couldn’t help but note that he was wearing only slippers and a nightshirt, and that any hapless Londoner who looked up would get a very unpleasant surprise..

But what goes up must come down, or so it is said. Eventually, Dragonrider was flying back down to the ground, at a much faster and more terrifying pace. Cristo was fearful that he was simply to splatter on to the streets of London, to be a spectacle to the crowds.

But it was not to be, for below, Cristo could see a town come into view. It certainly wasn’t London, for it was much smaller and didn’t have stone streets or high buildings. It did have a certain familiarity to it.

“What is this place?” Cristo asked Dragonrider.

“That is the town you grew up in, as a boy. Don’t you remember?” Dragonrider said with a slight giggle.

Indeed, now Cristo did have a plot-friendly memory of this town. He remembered how much he hated the place. His parents had been poor, so he had been forced to go through the public school system which have small budgets, ancient textbooks, and underpaid and disgruntled teaching staff.

Now they had landed, outside a little schoolhouse in the center of the town. Without saying a word, Dragonrider pulled Cristo toward the school, and they were soon inside the building.

The schoolhouse had a single large room, filled with rows of desks and headed by the teacher’s desk and blackboard. There was only one occupant in the room, a small boy at his desk, diligently working on his school assignments.

Cristo was amazed, seeing the boy. He called out to him “Cristo! Cristo!”

The boy didn’t move, or respond to Cristo’s calls at all. “He can’t hear you, you know.” Dragonrider said. “We are but invisible spirits, able to watch, but not participate.”

It was a very poetic statement, and Cristo was silenced.

“It is pretty pathetic for a boy to be alone at Christmas,” Dragonrider said.

“Well, we had just done lice-testing the day before and I- hey! That was a sad day for me and I appreciate you don’t bring it up!” Cristo said, remembering his old childhood nickname of “Lice-Boy.” Indeed, it was hardly fair that it would stay with him growing up even though he only got it once, and was rid of it when his father dipped him head-first into a vat of his mother’s cleaning bleach.

“It’s obvious that Christmas is a source of some deep-seated childhood pain, probably Freudian in nature,“ Dragonrider said.

“What the heck does that mean? Who is Freud?” Cristo asked.

Dragonrider merely smiled and waved her arms, the scene faded and reformed until Cristo and her were now standing outside of an inn, a jolly inn the likes of which you don’t see any more at road-side bars and gin-joints. “Do you recognize this place?”

“Why did we have to leave, we were only there just long enough for me to feel completely miserable!” Cristo said.

Dragonrider sighed and looked down at her watch. “Because I got another haunting I have to get to at three and though I have the ability to travel through the past, I have to return to the present eventually. Now do you recognize this place or not?”
“Well… its ol’ Saint Nil’s! Saint Nil gave me my first job! He was such a jovial old fellow!” And Cristo smiled at the memory, eagerly entering the establishment where he worked.

Saint Nil’s had once been the hottest hang-out scene in Victorian London. Big celebrities would stop by and drop some serious pound-age there. It was where big-wig literature executives made their deals and made celebrities out of their writers. It was a risqué place where is wasn’t uncommon for a woman to show a bit of ankle, or wrist. Proper women found it scandalous, but it had been the perfect place for a young man like…young Cristo to sow his wild oats.

“Cristo! Cristo my boy! Pull your head out of those books and join the fun! Its Christmas!” Saint Nil cried out to a young adult Cristo, who was busy working in the loft-office.

“In a bit, Nil, I really need to get us prepared for the New Year.”

“Come down, boy, there is someone I want you to meet!” Saint Nil cried.

Old-Miser Cristo watched as Young-Adult Cristo looked down at Saint Nil, who was motioning toward a very pretty girl.

Old Cristo gasped… there she was, his ex-wife, Deathslayer7…

Young Cristo gaped too, and Old Cristo could remember exactly what was going through his mind…

“You recognize her, don’t you?” Dragonrider asked.

“Why…why yes…” Cristo said, watching his younger self put down the books to meet Deathslayer7. “She married me just after Saint Nil died and I altered his will to receive all his wealth and property…”

“She and Saint Nil cared very much for you, I don’t really see why. I mean, you aren’t really that handsome, and you were always bad with people, and you smell just a bit…” Dragonrider said.

“I’m old now, of course I smell bad! But I smelt so fresh back then, it was this new body wash, you see, called ‘New Spice’,“ Cristo said.

“Okay, one more scene and then we can get a move on, I don’t have much time left,” Dragonrider said. And as she spoke the jolly inn where Cristo had his start, both in business and in love, was gone, replaced by another British setting, this time back in London. Only, it was still several years ago, Cristo could tell by the ridiculous outfits that the teens were wearing. Really, showing off that much ankle was absolutely shameful!

Cristo saw himself, slightly older, and Deathslayer7, walking through a snowy park. He didn’t need Dragonrider’s reminder that it was Christmas yet again, for he remembered this day well. Cristo and the Christmas Ghost silently watched the scene unfold.

“Why did we have to go to the budget-theatre again? We can afford better seats at the Mega-Magnus, with 24 Stages!” she exclaimed.

“Because, dear wife, I have still not earned enough this year to justify such frivolous purchases. You are lucky we are able to go out at all.”

“But I had to beg you for three months to go out tonight! You are usually too busy working in the office!” Deathslayer7 said.

Young, but not quite as young as before, Cristo sighed. “How many times do I have to explain it to you? I have allocated a specific budget of time and money dedicated to you. That way I don’t overspend from my new firm and royally anger my new partner, RabbitHoleLost…”

“So I’m just another ‘asset’ then?” Deathslayer asked.

“Of course, you are such a sweet asset, though my dear. Why, all the men I do business with quite admire your asset.”

“Why, I never!” Deathslayer exclaimed.

“You can keep your assets, I won’t be one of them any further!” And she stalked off, leaving slightly-older-than-before Cristo alone.

Dragonrider turned to Old-Cristo, but balked when she saw him. “You are supposed to be crying your eyes out right now. The one woman you loved just left you because you were suffering from the early stages of miserliness…”

Old Cristo was laughing. “Can you believe that I got to count those assets for two full fiscal years?” He said, watching Deathslayer run away.

The Christmas Ghost was now visibly upset. She flung up her arms and exhaled sharply. “Fine, have it your way. But you are only making it worse for yourself! We are going back, and I’m gonna make sure that my report gets filed to Future before you get around to him!”
Cristo shrugged. After all, what could a trio of spirits really do to him.

With another wave of her arms, they were back in Cristo’s home. The Grandfather clock was now showing five minutes to three.

“Thank you for that wonderful excursion, Dragonrider,” Cristo said, yawning. “Now I think I will get to sleep now…”

Dragonrider merely laughed. “We shall see…” She continued laughing as she faded into nothingness before Cristo’s eyes.

Now he was truly alone again.

He had just settled into bed, when that damn Grandfather clock decided once again to pick this moment to

CHIME!

And Cristo heard a boisterous laugh coming from downstairs…

Okay, "Twobi," I gotta say that I'm not a fan of...this holiday...and I can't stand the original Carol or most adaptations of it.

I really like yours, though. I think you're doing a fantastic job of staying true to the original as well as warping it just enough with Playground humor and personalities to make it not only bearable, but awesome.

I can't wait to see more.

[Helgraf]

Back in the saddle again....

Forging Implements - Part 1 (IStLY)
Baba Gravf (Helgraf) / Empress Curly / GW, RHL, Czar Peter by mention.
Begins at the point Ghost crossed back into Bulgaria, then will run through / parellell to the events in Devoted and beyond.

Spoiler

Show

She'd felt the emanations almost as soon as Ghost had crossed the border - not him; no, he was a mayfly overwhelmed by the pulsing waves of power that flowed outward from what he carried. She knew him not. But she knew what he carried, the cursed chalice, the baneful bower; many names it had in the lore of the Babas; and all of them were of the zza.

But who? Who would have called for it? She knew Baba Rabbit, despite her self-imposed exile from the Spoleczenstwo, would not be so foolish as to seek to bend it to her will. Agreement or not on the matter of her lore, she knew enough to know that it would end as it always ended for the partaker - badly. But a single droplet from the Grail was whispered to have given the great Rasputin his legendary resilence, a single drop, and the visionary had to fight against the demons forevermore. Thence the madness, and the purge.

She could do nothing to stop it. Not yet. Its counterpart was far more difficult to acquire; the spear of Longinus was no better than the Grail, and far too busy wreaking havoc in the wake of the Wandering Jew, far to the south.

No. Dealing with the Grail would require more subtle methods. Direct confrontation would be useless. It was time to fire the crucible. There was no longer time to tolerate the slag amidst the iron. Neccesity called for grim measures, and there was no time for subtlety in this.

She reached down to snag a small kitten wandering about, then to the side to grab a black-handled knife, laying the tiny innocent life out upon the desk before the dark mirror, then administering the neccesary cuts; it was not a pleasant death, nor a quick one; and she silently blessed the cat-soul within as the dying body was absorbed into the mirror, which rippled and undulated. The knife was then applied in six precise cuts to her left forearm, and she peeled back the ichor-skin to the elbow, then thrust her arm beneath, still red, sore and puckered from the long ago scalding, into the glass, whence it passed through like an oily membrane atop a dark noisome pool. Her thoughts leapt across the dark void.

...

"Baba Curly!"

The Empress, engaged in a private session startled suddenly, then made a brief gesture with one hand indicating that her companion should continue ministrating; though her enthusiasm had just been crushed; it would not do for others to believe their Empress heard voices. While still technically a member of the Baba Spoleczenstwo, she did not make note of this fact; only one or two of her closest advisors were aware of it at all. Besides, the companion was quite the cunning linguist; and she was, after all, a patron of the arts.

She took a moment to attune herself, enhancing the feeling of the land around her; one of many disciplines she'd learned when younger. When she felt sufficently in unison, she reached out mentally.

"Baba Gravf! What could possibly be so important as to permit this impertinent intrusion upon my person!"

"Only one intrusion upon your person at a time then, Baba Curly?"

"Damn that woman," Curly thought privately; she was far too good at picking up the subtle notes, despite Curly's attempts to conceal them. Baba Gravf's voice echoed between her ears before she could formulate a reply.

"Nevermind that. This is more important, anyway. Someone has brought the Grail to Bulgaria."

"Are you serious?! The Grail. Surely the woman had gone mad. That such relics might actually exist seemed to be like many of the stories of the Babas. Just stories.

"Do not take that disrespectful tone with me Baba Curly. Have you forgotten already the first custom!"

Oh, the insufferable customs. So many she'd done away with upon becoming Empress. She reached out to run her fingers through the attendant's hair. Her thoughts turned to cold ice as she composed her reply

"I earned my shawl the same as you, Baba Gravf. Do not insult me by implying that I would forget the first custom, or any of the others."

"Then you would know that I would not lightly contact you thus unless I was deadly serious. The Unholy Grail travels even now closer to the capital. Your troops are not fast enough to intercept it."

"Then why bother telling me at all?" Fingers twirled around hair curled into a fist, tugging.

"I know you're smarter than you let on Baba Curly. How do you stop the unkillable?"

Ahh, here, at last, a question she knew the answer to. "If you cannot stop the knight, kill the horse. If you cannot kill the horse, break the ground. If you cannot assail the body, strike the heart. Where a blade will not dent the wall, a seed can tear it apart from beneath."

The voice of Baba Gravf seemed somewhat pleased at her reply. "Yes, Baba Curly. There is much work to be done, to keep the Oath. I will be in contact again. Be ready.

And as suddenly as it came, the old Baba's voice was gone. The Empress widened her stance, letting both the message and the messenger soak in. It was good to be the Empress, after all.

Footnotes

Spoiler

Show

Zza in this particular 'version' of Polish most literally means north, but in this story has a secondary connotation of the weird, of a place whence horrors come from.
Spoleczenstwo is almost certainly missing some accent marks. In this sense, it translates roughly into society, circle, or collective - and in this particular story refers to the loose organization of the Babas.

[ghost_warlock]

Back in the saddle again....

Forging Implements - Part 1 (IStLY)
Baba Gravf (Helgraf) / Empress Curly / GW, RHL, Czar Peter by mention.
Begins at the point Ghost crossed back into Bulgaria, then will run through / parellell to the events in Devoted and beyond.

Spoiler

Show

She'd felt the emanations almost as soon as Ghost had crossed the border - not him; no, he was a mayfly overwhelmed by the pulsing waves of power that flowed outward from what he carried. She knew him not. But she knew what he carried, the cursed chalice, the baneful bower; many names it had in the lore of the Babas; and all of them were of the zza.

But who? Who would have called for it? She knew Baba Rabbit, despite her self-imposed exile from the Spoleczenstwo, would not be so foolish as to seek to bend it to her will. Agreement or not on the matter of her lore, she knew enough to know that it would end as it always ended for the partaker - badly. But a single droplet from the Grail was whispered to have given the great Rasputin his legendary resilence, a single drop, and the visionary had to fight against the demons forevermore. Thence the madness, and the purge.

She could do nothing to stop it. Not yet. Its counterpart was far more difficult to acquire; the spear of Longinus was no better than the Grail, and far too busy wreaking havoc in the wake of the Wandering Jew, far to the south.

No. Dealing with the Grail would require more subtle methods. Direct confrontation would be useless. It was time to fire the crucible. There was no longer time to tolerate the slag amidst the iron. Neccesity called for grim measures, and there was no time for subtlety in this.

She reached down to snag a small kitten wandering about, then to the side to grab a black-handled knife, laying the tiny innocent life out upon the desk before the dark mirror, then administering the neccesary cuts; it was not a pleasant death, nor a quick one; and she silently blessed the cat-soul within as the dying body was absorbed into the mirror, which rippled and undulated. The knife was then applied in six precise cuts to her left forearm, and she peeled back the ichor-skin to the elbow, then thrust her arm beneath, still red, sore and puckered from the long ago scalding, into the glass, whence it passed through like an oily membrane atop a dark noisome pool. Her thoughts leapt across the dark void.

...

"Baba Curly!"

The Empress, engaged in a private session startled suddenly, then made a brief gesture with one hand indicating that her companion should continue ministrating; though her enthusiasm had just been crushed; it would not do for others to believe their Empress heard voices. While still technically a member of the Baba Spoleczenstwo, she did not make note of this fact; only one or two of her closest advisors were aware of it at all. Besides, the companion was quite the cunning linguist; and she was, after all, a patron of the arts.

She took a moment to attune herself, enhancing the feeling of the land around her; one of many disciplines she'd learned when younger. When she felt sufficently in unison, she reached out mentally.

"Baba Gravf! What could possibly be so important as to permit this impertinent intrusion upon my person!"

"Only one intrusion upon your person at a time then, Baba Curly?"

"Damn that woman," Curly thought privately; she was far too good at picking up the subtle notes, despite Curly's attempts to conceal them. Baba Gravf's voice echoed between her ears before she could formulate a reply.

"Nevermind that. This is more important, anyway. Someone has brought the Grail to Bulgaria."

"Are you serious?! The Grail. Surely the woman had gone mad. That such relics might actually exist seemed to be like many of the stories of the Babas. Just stories.

"Do not take that disrespectful tone with me Baba Curly. Have you forgotten already the first custom!"

Oh, the insufferable customs. So many she'd done away with upon becoming Empress. She reached out to run her fingers through the attendant's hair. Her thoughts turned to cold ice as she composed her reply

"I earned my shawl the same as you, Baba Gravf. Do not insult me by implying that I would forget the first custom, or any of the others."

"Then you would know that I would not lightly contact you thus unless I was deadly serious. The Unholy Grail travels even now closer to the capital. Your troops are not fast enough to intercept it."

"Then why bother telling me at all?" Fingers twirled around hair curled into a fist, tugging.

"I know you're smarter than you let on Baba Curly. How do you stop the unkillable?"

Ahh, here, at last, a question she knew the answer to. "If you cannot stop the knight, kill the horse. If you cannot kill the horse, break the ground. If you cannot assail the body, strike the heart. Where a blade will not dent the wall, a seed can tear it apart from beneath."

The voice of Baba Gravf seemed somewhat pleased at her reply. "Yes, Baba Curly. There is much work to be done, to keep the Oath. I will be in contact again. Be ready.

And as suddenly as it came, the old Baba's voice was gone. The Empress widened her stance, letting both the message and the messenger soak in. It was good to be the Empress, after all.

Footnotes

Spoiler

Show

Zza in this particular 'version' of Polish most literally means north, but in this story has a secondary connotation of the weird, of a place whence horrors come from.
Spoleczenstwo is almost certainly missing some accent marks. In this sense, it translates roughly into society, circle, or collective - and in this particular story refers to the loose organization of the Babas.

Excellent stuff there, Helgraf, excellent.

Although, it's debatable wheather GW ever left Bulgaria to begin with. But I suppose that the area surrounding Adrianople/Edirne would be considered contested-at-best by any impartial/legitimate authorities. Especially now that the keep there is vacant.

IStLY Map:

Spoiler

Show

Scale is...speed of plot?

(Oh, an in case it need be said; no, I didn't make the map, I stoled it from wikipedia and made slight alterations. )
*adds map to IStLY archive*

Edit: Also, I love GW being referred to as a "mayfly;" that's incredibly wicked, telling, and entertaining! Especially considering, as an elan, he's effectively immortal.

[happyturtle]

Vespe/RHL (featuring Curly, Lex, Turtle, Magtok, and Nil)
Om Nom Nom (Or: Sweeney Todd, the Abridged Barber of Ship Street)

Spoiler

Show

Fifteen years. Fifteen years of hard labor in Enupnion, and it's all because of that damned Judge Magtok. Oh yes, that one, Miss, that very one who hung a child for some petty crime. He ruined my entire life. He killed my wife, and raised my daughter, Lexington, and now he's going to marry her, the sicko. What should I do?
Muahrhgh.
You're right, random beggar woman who looks nothing like my dead wife, Curly, I must have vengeance! So says I, Benjamin...no, that's not a very revenge-ish name at all. And he'll know I'm coming if I take that name. What should I call myself?
Veheh Rahvah.
That's it! Vespe Ratavo! Thank you beggar woman, now go bother someone else.
Mhkay.

Even after fifteen years absence, the building looked no different. It was still as old, decrepit, rotting, and bug-infested as ever. Home sweet home, Vespe thought. There was, however, one difference. The bottom floor was now home to one Rabbit's Pies.

Benj Vespe pushed open the door, peeking inside. Hello?
A customer! A flustered-looking woman in an apron rushed up to him. Welcome sir! Would you like some ale? Have a seat!
I'm just-
She ushered him to a seat, chattering rapidly. Yes, I know, people avoid this shop like the plague, but at least we're honest. You know Mrs. Castara's pies? She chops up foxes for the meat, you know, it's disgusting it is, nothing like that in my shop, sir, no sir. She set down a pie filled with...something...oozing...in front of him. Try it, it's terrible! She beamed widely.
I think I'll take your word for it.
She sighed, and sat down across from him. No one's come in weeks. Times are tough, I don't know what to do.
Well...erm...good luck with that, my name's Vespe, and I'm in the barber shop upstairs.
Oh. Hi. I'm Rabbit.
Nice to meet you, Rabbit. A bell chimed from outside. Customer. Vespe stood up, and rushed out.

Vespe frowned. First customer in years, and...Hi my name is Saint Nil and I'm a priest well technically I'm not a saint but you know sooner or later everyone's got to come up for promotion right hahha so I figure I'm just going to get a head start on the competition and-
Sir, please, it's very hard to shave if you continue to talk-
what do you mean I mean you're a good barber aren't you I figure you can handle a little chatter I always like a bit of talk its like opening your soul I think its called catharsis in Greek or Latin or something like that those languages always confuse me and ARGGGGGGH.
Blood spurted from Nil's neck. Vespe grinned at him, mockingly. Now look what you made me do, you made me go and cut your throat. Shame, that.
Nil gurgled.
What was that?
He slumped to the floor.
...oh dear. I killed him.

Vespe? Vespe? Rabbit cracked open the door. What's with all the no-oh my.
It's...erm...not what it looks like.
Really? Because it looks to me like you slit someone's throat while you were shaving him and now you're shoving him in that trunk.
Oh. Then this is exactly what it looks like. There was a resounding thump as the body of Nil fell into the trunk. It was an accident, though, I swear.
Rabbit stared at the body. ...it's a shame...
Shame?
...probably wouldn't have any one looking for him...
What are you getting at?
...such a nice plump frame...
Vespe's eyes widened. Look, I didn't like him either, but that's just wrong-
No! No! Not that! Think of it as...a gift. You know, with the price of meat what it is...
Let me get this straight. Are you proposing we chop up this man's body and bake it into pies?
Rabbit stared at her feet for a moment, before mumbling ...yes.
You're a genius!
Rabbit smiled.

Over the following weeks, the two developed their "industry" into something of a routine. Someone would come into Vespe's barber shop for a shave. He would engage them in idle banter (So, do you have any friends or relatives who might come looking if you suddenly went missing?), then cut their throat. He had a trap door installed into the chair, which dropped the former patron into the oven room, where they were cut, cleaned, and baked into Ms. Rabbit's Famous Mystery Meat Pies.

In many ways, life was good. People couldn't get enough of the pies, even as they wondered where Uncle Bob had gone off to. They were raking in the profit, and Vespe was even beginning to hatch his plot for revenge, now that he had the necessary funds.

For Rabbit, however, things were rather frustrating. Not the minor things, like covering up the fact that your business is guilty of murder, tricking people into eating human flesh, and poor customer service, but Vespe. Maybe it was the hair. Maybe it was the way he talked. Maybe it was the glint of love in his eyes as the razor blade slit open another customer's jugular vein.

Unfortunately, he seemed to be rather clueless. Rabbit had tried everything: the inconspicuous (So what are you doing later? Killing people), the obvious (I think I love you. What was that? Couldn't hear you, this man's screaming too loud), and even the paradoxical (Would you not maybe never consider the possibility of refusing to not- Killing people is fun and therapeutic!), and nothing had worked.

But today's the day, I'm sure of it. I'm going to stop him right as he's coming in, and I'm going to tell him. Rabbit gulped. Here he comes... Vespe, I-
He shoved right past her. Can't talk, evil judge who ruined my life coming for a shave, need to get prepared.
Oh. Um...

At that moment, a man in a long, flowing black robe burst through the door. He had the unmistakable stench of pure malice (and a bit of a goatee). ...Judge Magtok, I presume?
I have come for teh shavez.
Right this way, sir.

So...if, say, some crazed murderous barber were to slit your throat, would anyone come looking for you?
Well, Lex might.
Lex?
No, on second thought, she wouldn't. You see, I sent this guy to Enupnion on false charges, made his wife kill herself, and Lex - their daughter - I adopted her, and now I'm going to marry her. Heheh. I iz evil.
I see. Well, I'm sorry to say that-

At that very moment, a woman burst through the door. I'm in love with your daughter.
Who the hell are you?
My name is Happy Turtle, and I want your permission to marry Lex.
Absolutely not! The two men glared at each other. Your daughter?
Magtok stood up, wiping the remaining shaving cream from his face. Hmmph. See if I ever come here again. He stomped out.

Vespe's eye twitched. Just a little bit. Then quite a lot. YOU IDIOT!
What did I do?
I was just about to get revenge on him, but now he's going to marry my daughter!
Oh dear.
It's okay, I've got a plan. Vespe grinned...evilly.

Knock. Knock. Magtok opened the door. Yes?
Hello, sir, my name is Not Happy Turtle, and I'm a wigmakers apprentice. May I come into your asylum and kidnap one of your prisoners?
I don't see why not, just don't take Lex, I'm keeping her there until I marry her.

Lex sat crying in the corner, presumably due to the fact that the ship has been going on this long and this is her first appearance. A knock came on the cell door. Lex?
Happy! You're the one who's been sending me all those creepy letters!
Indeed. Come with me, we're going to meet your father. The cell door swung open.
Dad? He's alive?
Yes, now hurry up. The two sprinted out.

Magtok stomped into the barber shop. The only person there was Vespe, grinning smugly. Ah, you've come back. Want me to finish that shave?
Don't be stupid, I know you've got Lex somewhere around here, where is she?
You want to look your best, don't you?
Magtok sighed. I suppose. He sat in the chair. So, have you heard about all these people who have been disappear-aaaaa thump.
I love that trap door. Vespe followed him down. Lex, Happy, and Rabbit stood in the oven room, staring at the corpse formerly known as Magtok.
...is that it?
So his neck's broken, me and Lex can run away together, and you two can get back to whatever it was you were doing?
It seems...too easy.
Oh, relax! I say we should all celebrate! Pies on the house!
Pass.
We know what you make them out of. Lex and Happy stuck out their tongues in disgust, and left.
Rabbit shrugged. I want one.

At that very moment, a raggedy looking woman, dressed in rags, stumbled into the oven room. Baragh mah mah vah!
Vespe sighed, pulled out his knife, and cut her throat, before his eyes widened in horror. Curly! He knelt down beside the corpse. Oh gods, I thought you were dead!
Rabbit whistled innocently. Vespe stood up, pointing an accusing finger at her. You! Why didn't you tell me she was alive?
Because...I love you. And she was barely alive as it is...I just wanted you to be happy.
...is that true?
Yes.
Vespe stumbled over to her, and embraced her, laughing and crying at the same time. It's okay. I understand. We can keep the business going. I love you too.
A tear streamed down Rabbit's face. Is that true?

Ending 1

Spoiler

Show

Yes. The two never got discovered, kept killing people and selling their flesh in pies, and lived happily ever after. Boring.

Ending 2

Spoiler

Show

No. Vespe shoved her into the oven and slammed it shut. He blinked. He began to laugh. He laughed through the sound of her screams. He laughed through the following silence. He laughed as the guards swarmed the building, and led him away in chains. He laughed as they put the noose around his neck.

To this day, one can still hear the reverberating screams and laughter in the basement of the Om Nom Nom National History Museum. Together. Forever.

Okay. It's official.

I iz a Vespe fangirl.

[Destro_Yersul]

More great stuff from everyone. Destro approves. Especially that one from TwoBit, and this has nothing at all to do with me being in it. Nope, nothing at all.

Seriously though, great Ships, you guys.

EDIT: had another idea, and I'm not gonna be able to sleep till I write this down. So here goes.

Gilligan's Ship

Sung to the tune of the Gilligan's Island Main Theme
Mordokai/ghost warlock/Dirk Kris/Curly/Happyturtle/RHL

Spoiler

Show

Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale,
a tale of a fateful trip.
That started in the Playground,
as an idea for a 'Ship.

They all rode off on a tiny boat,
with passengers and crew,
what was meant to take three hours,
stretched into a year or two.

Their ship set aground on the shore of this
uncharted desert isle,
with Mordokai, ghost warlock too,
Dirk Kris (no he's not a knife),
There's Curly, and Happy and RHL,
Here on Mordokai's Isle!

Now this is the tell of the cast-aways
They're here till they change their minds
They'll have to make the best of things,
But there's each-other in the meantime.
NO PHONES
NO LIGHTS
NO MOTOR CARS
Not one will be left 'Ship-free.
They'll be romance by the palm trees,
and whilst swimming in the sea.

So join us here if I write part 2,
and hopefully you'll smile
'bout the adventures of the 'Shippers,
Here on Mordokai's Isle!

parts of that might seem a bit forced, but hey. Rhyming is hard.

[Dragonrider]

@Toobee: That is awesome! It makes me want to go back and read the 'real thing' again, which I haven't done in years and years...only it's not as amusing as yours. Can't help but wonder if Dickens was being sarcastic and everyone has taken it more seriously than it was intended.

Prob'ly not.

Vespe: That last spoiler'd bit made me laugh. Out loud. For a long time.

[ghost_warlock]

More great stuff from everyone. Destro approves. Especially that one from TwoBit, and this has nothing at all to do with me being in it. Nope, nothing at all.

Seriously though, great Ships, you guys.

EDIT: had another idea, and I'm not gonna be able to sleep till I write this down. So here goes.

Gilligan's Ship

Sung to the tune of the Gilligan's Island Main Theme
Mordokai/ghost warlock/Dirk Kris/Curly/Happyturtle/RHL

Spoiler

Show

Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale,
a tale of a fateful trip.
That started in the Playground,
as an idea for a 'Ship.

They all rode off on a tiny boat,
with passengers and crew,
what was meant to take three hours,
stretched into a year or two.

Their ship set aground on the shore of this
uncharted desert isle,
with Mordokai, ghost warlock too,
Dirk Kris (no he's not a knife),
There's Curly, and Happy and RHL,
Here on Mordokai's Isle!

Now this is the tell of the cast-aways
They're here till they change their minds
They'll have to make the best of things,
But there's each-other in the meantime.
NO PHONES
NO LIGHTS
NO MOTOR CARS
Not one will be left 'Ship-free.
They'll be romance by the palm trees,
and whilst swimming in the sea.

So join us here if I write part 2,
and hopefully you'll smile
'bout the adventures of the 'Shippers,
Here on Mordokai's Isle!

parts of that might seem a bit forced, but hey. Rhyming is hard.

Your brain. In my mouth. Now. You are a genius and I want your knowledge.

[TwoBitWriter]

More great stuff from everyone. Destro approves. Especially that one from TwoBit, and this has nothing at all to do with me being in it. Nope, nothing at all.

Seriously though, great Ships, you guys.

EDIT: had another idea, and I'm not gonna be able to sleep till I write this down. So here goes.

Gilligan's Ship

Sung to the tune of the Gilligan's Island Main Theme
Mordokai/ghost warlock/Dirk Kris/Curly/Happyturtle/RHL

Spoiler

Show

Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale,
a tale of a fateful trip.
That started in the Playground,
as an idea for a 'Ship.

They all rode off on a tiny boat,
with passengers and crew,
what was meant to take three hours,
stretched into a year or two.

Their ship set aground on the shore of this
uncharted desert isle,
with Mordokai, ghost warlock too,
Dirk Kris (no he's not a knife),
There's Curly, and Happy and RHL,
Here on Mordokai's Isle!

Now this is the tell of the cast-aways
They're here till they change their minds
They'll have to make the best of things,
But there's each-other in the meantime.
NO PHONES
NO LIGHTS
NO MOTOR CARS
Not one will be left 'Ship-free.
They'll be romance by the palm trees,
and whilst swimming in the sea.

So join us here if I write part 2,
and hopefully you'll smile
'bout the adventures of the 'Shippers,
Here on Mordokai's Isle!

parts of that might seem a bit forced, but hey. Rhyming is hard.

This is awesome!

[RabbitHoleLost]

Helgraf: Rabbit's puny vocabulary has not enough words to accurately describe how awesome you are. Instead, she'll just applaud
:: applauds::

Destro:... O.o
Hey. Here's my love. Have it

[Neko Toast]

Vespe/RHL (featuring Curly, Lex, Turtle, Magtok, and Nil)
Om Nom Nom (Or: Sweeney Todd, the Abridged Barber of Ship Street)

Spoiler

Show

Fifteen years. Fifteen years of hard labor in Enupnion, and it's all because of that damned Judge Magtok. Oh yes, that one, Miss, that very one who hung a child for some petty crime. He ruined my entire life. He killed my wife, and raised my daughter, Lexington, and now he's going to marry her, the sicko. What should I do?
Muahrhgh.
You're right, random beggar woman who looks nothing like my dead wife, Curly, I must have vengeance! So says I, Benjamin...no, that's not a very revenge-ish name at all. And he'll know I'm coming if I take that name. What should I call myself?
Veheh Rahvah.
That's it! Vespe Ratavo! Thank you beggar woman, now go bother someone else.
Mhkay.

Even after fifteen years absence, the building looked no different. It was still as old, decrepit, rotting, and bug-infested as ever. Home sweet home, Vespe thought. There was, however, one difference. The bottom floor was now home to one Rabbit's Pies.

Benj Vespe pushed open the door, peeking inside. Hello?
A customer! A flustered-looking woman in an apron rushed up to him. Welcome sir! Would you like some ale? Have a seat!
I'm just-
She ushered him to a seat, chattering rapidly. Yes, I know, people avoid this shop like the plague, but at least we're honest. You know Mrs. Castara's pies? She chops up foxes for the meat, you know, it's disgusting it is, nothing like that in my shop, sir, no sir. She set down a pie filled with...something...oozing...in front of him. Try it, it's terrible! She beamed widely.
I think I'll take your word for it.
She sighed, and sat down across from him. No one's come in weeks. Times are tough, I don't know what to do.
Well...erm...good luck with that, my name's Vespe, and I'm in the barber shop upstairs.
Oh. Hi. I'm Rabbit.
Nice to meet you, Rabbit. A bell chimed from outside. Customer. Vespe stood up, and rushed out.

Vespe frowned. First customer in years, and...Hi my name is Saint Nil and I'm a priest well technically I'm not a saint but you know sooner or later everyone's got to come up for promotion right hahha so I figure I'm just going to get a head start on the competition and-
Sir, please, it's very hard to shave if you continue to talk-
what do you mean I mean you're a good barber aren't you I figure you can handle a little chatter I always like a bit of talk its like opening your soul I think its called catharsis in Greek or Latin or something like that those languages always confuse me and ARGGGGGGH.
Blood spurted from Nil's neck. Vespe grinned at him, mockingly. Now look what you made me do, you made me go and cut your throat. Shame, that.
Nil gurgled.
What was that?
He slumped to the floor.
...oh dear. I killed him.

Vespe? Vespe? Rabbit cracked open the door. What's with all the no-oh my.
It's...erm...not what it looks like.
Really? Because it looks to me like you slit someone's throat while you were shaving him and now you're shoving him in that trunk.
Oh. Then this is exactly what it looks like. There was a resounding thump as the body of Nil fell into the trunk. It was an accident, though, I swear.
Rabbit stared at the body. ...it's a shame...
Shame?
...probably wouldn't have any one looking for him...
What are you getting at?
...such a nice plump frame...
Vespe's eyes widened. Look, I didn't like him either, but that's just wrong-
No! No! Not that! Think of it as...a gift. You know, with the price of meat what it is...
Let me get this straight. Are you proposing we chop up this man's body and bake it into pies?
Rabbit stared at her feet for a moment, before mumbling ...yes.
You're a genius!
Rabbit smiled.

Over the following weeks, the two developed their "industry" into something of a routine. Someone would come into Vespe's barber shop for a shave. He would engage them in idle banter (So, do you have any friends or relatives who might come looking if you suddenly went missing?), then cut their throat. He had a trap door installed into the chair, which dropped the former patron into the oven room, where they were cut, cleaned, and baked into Ms. Rabbit's Famous Mystery Meat Pies.

In many ways, life was good. People couldn't get enough of the pies, even as they wondered where Uncle Bob had gone off to. They were raking in the profit, and Vespe was even beginning to hatch his plot for revenge, now that he had the necessary funds.

For Rabbit, however, things were rather frustrating. Not the minor things, like covering up the fact that your business is guilty of murder, tricking people into eating human flesh, and poor customer service, but Vespe. Maybe it was the hair. Maybe it was the way he talked. Maybe it was the glint of love in his eyes as the razor blade slit open another customer's jugular vein.

Unfortunately, he seemed to be rather clueless. Rabbit had tried everything: the inconspicuous (So what are you doing later? Killing people), the obvious (I think I love you. What was that? Couldn't hear you, this man's screaming too loud), and even the paradoxical (Would you not maybe never consider the possibility of refusing to not- Killing people is fun and therapeutic!), and nothing had worked.

But today's the day, I'm sure of it. I'm going to stop him right as he's coming in, and I'm going to tell him. Rabbit gulped. Here he comes... Vespe, I-
He shoved right past her. Can't talk, evil judge who ruined my life coming for a shave, need to get prepared.
Oh. Um...

At that moment, a man in a long, flowing black robe burst through the door. He had the unmistakable stench of pure malice (and a bit of a goatee). ...Judge Magtok, I presume?
I have come for teh shavez.
Right this way, sir.

So...if, say, some crazed murderous barber were to slit your throat, would anyone come looking for you?
Well, Lex might.
Lex?
No, on second thought, she wouldn't. You see, I sent this guy to Enupnion on false charges, made his wife kill herself, and Lex - their daughter - I adopted her, and now I'm going to marry her. Heheh. I iz evil.
I see. Well, I'm sorry to say that-

At that very moment, a woman burst through the door. I'm in love with your daughter.
Who the hell are you?
My name is Happy Turtle, and I want your permission to marry Lex.
Absolutely not! The two men glared at each other. Your daughter?
Magtok stood up, wiping the remaining shaving cream from his face. Hmmph. See if I ever come here again. He stomped out.

Vespe's eye twitched. Just a little bit. Then quite a lot. YOU IDIOT!
What did I do?
I was just about to get revenge on him, but now he's going to marry my daughter!
Oh dear.
It's okay, I've got a plan. Vespe grinned...evilly.

Knock. Knock. Magtok opened the door. Yes?
Hello, sir, my name is Not Happy Turtle, and I'm a wigmakers apprentice. May I come into your asylum and kidnap one of your prisoners?
I don't see why not, just don't take Lex, I'm keeping her there until I marry her.

Lex sat crying in the corner, presumably due to the fact that the ship has been going on this long and this is her first appearance. A knock came on the cell door. Lex?
Happy! You're the one who's been sending me all those creepy letters!
Indeed. Come with me, we're going to meet your father. The cell door swung open.
Dad? He's alive?
Yes, now hurry up. The two sprinted out.

Magtok stomped into the barber shop. The only person there was Vespe, grinning smugly. Ah, you've come back. Want me to finish that shave?
Don't be stupid, I know you've got Lex somewhere around here, where is she?
You want to look your best, don't you?
Magtok sighed. I suppose. He sat in the chair. So, have you heard about all these people who have been disappear-aaaaa thump.
I love that trap door. Vespe followed him down. Lex, Happy, and Rabbit stood in the oven room, staring at the corpse formerly known as Magtok.
...is that it?
So his neck's broken, me and Lex can run away together, and you two can get back to whatever it was you were doing?
It seems...too easy.
Oh, relax! I say we should all celebrate! Pies on the house!
Pass.
We know what you make them out of. Lex and Happy stuck out their tongues in disgust, and left.
Rabbit shrugged. I want one.

At that very moment, a raggedy looking woman, dressed in rags, stumbled into the oven room. Baragh mah mah vah!
Vespe sighed, pulled out his knife, and cut her throat, before his eyes widened in horror. Curly! He knelt down beside the corpse. Oh gods, I thought you were dead!
Rabbit whistled innocently. Vespe stood up, pointing an accusing finger at her. You! Why didn't you tell me she was alive?
Because...I love you. And she was barely alive as it is...I just wanted you to be happy.
...is that true?
Yes.
Vespe stumbled over to her, and embraced her, laughing and crying at the same time. It's okay. I understand. We can keep the business going. I love you too.
A tear streamed down Rabbit's face. Is that true?

Ending 1

Spoiler

Show

Yes. The two never got discovered, kept killing people and selling their flesh in pies, and lived happily ever after. Boring.

Ending 2

Spoiler

Show

No. Vespe shoved her into the oven and slammed it shut. He blinked. He began to laugh. He laughed through the sound of her screams. He laughed through the following silence. He laughed as the guards swarmed the building, and led him away in chains. He laughed as they put the noose around his neck.

To this day, one can still hear the reverberating screams and laughter in the basement of the Om Nom Nom National History Museum. Together. Forever.

*points to the sky* BRILLIANT!

[Mordokai]

@ Mordokai: That was awesome. So sweet and funny. Much better than my first one. *lifts rock, places Mordokai on pedestal*

Emphasis mine.

No, no it isn't At the best, they are equal. But in no case is your worse than mine.

Now get me back that rock, you dirty thief

Glad you people liked it. Who knows, perchance I write something else in the future.

There are too many ships already from when I last read them. Cristo, loved the newest instalment of Dark Moon. Rabbit, glad to see you back in action The RHL/Reinholdt is a very nice one. And all the others(which I haven't even managed to read yet) are great as well. I'll give more comments when I finally read everything.

[Deathslayer7]

@ Twobit awesome as always. Although I can't help but laugh at the assets part.

@ Vespe: I like the seconnd ending way better.

@ Detro: i like it.

@ Helgraf: if you need help with Polish words, I'm here.

[Recaiden]

Vespe/RHL (featuring Curly, Lex, Turtle, Magtok, and Nil)
Om Nom Nom (Or: Sweeney Todd, the Abridged Barber of Ship Street)

Spoiler

Show

Fifteen years. Fifteen years of hard labor in Enupnion, and it's all because of that damned Judge Magtok. Oh yes, that one, Miss, that very one who hung a child for some petty crime. He ruined my entire life. He killed my wife, and raised my daughter, Lexington, and now he's going to marry her, the sicko. What should I do?
Muahrhgh.
You're right, random beggar woman who looks nothing like my dead wife, Curly, I must have vengeance! So says I, Benjamin...no, that's not a very revenge-ish name at all. And he'll know I'm coming if I take that name. What should I call myself?
Veheh Rahvah.
That's it! Vespe Ratavo! Thank you beggar woman, now go bother someone else.
Mhkay.

Even after fifteen years absence, the building looked no different. It was still as old, decrepit, rotting, and bug-infested as ever. Home sweet home, Vespe thought. There was, however, one difference. The bottom floor was now home to one Rabbit's Pies.

Benj Vespe pushed open the door, peeking inside. Hello?
A customer! A flustered-looking woman in an apron rushed up to him. Welcome sir! Would you like some ale? Have a seat!
I'm just-
She ushered him to a seat, chattering rapidly. Yes, I know, people avoid this shop like the plague, but at least we're honest. You know Mrs. Castara's pies? She chops up foxes for the meat, you know, it's disgusting it is, nothing like that in my shop, sir, no sir. She set down a pie filled with...something...oozing...in front of him. Try it, it's terrible! She beamed widely.
I think I'll take your word for it.
She sighed, and sat down across from him. No one's come in weeks. Times are tough, I don't know what to do.
Well...erm...good luck with that, my name's Vespe, and I'm in the barber shop upstairs.
Oh. Hi. I'm Rabbit.
Nice to meet you, Rabbit. A bell chimed from outside. Customer. Vespe stood up, and rushed out.

Vespe frowned. First customer in years, and...Hi my name is Saint Nil and I'm a priest well technically I'm not a saint but you know sooner or later everyone's got to come up for promotion right hahha so I figure I'm just going to get a head start on the competition and-
Sir, please, it's very hard to shave if you continue to talk-
what do you mean I mean you're a good barber aren't you I figure you can handle a little chatter I always like a bit of talk its like opening your soul I think its called catharsis in Greek or Latin or something like that those languages always confuse me and ARGGGGGGH.
Blood spurted from Nil's neck. Vespe grinned at him, mockingly. Now look what you made me do, you made me go and cut your throat. Shame, that.
Nil gurgled.
What was that?
He slumped to the floor.
...oh dear. I killed him.

Vespe? Vespe? Rabbit cracked open the door. What's with all the no-oh my.
It's...erm...not what it looks like.
Really? Because it looks to me like you slit someone's throat while you were shaving him and now you're shoving him in that trunk.
Oh. Then this is exactly what it looks like. There was a resounding thump as the body of Nil fell into the trunk. It was an accident, though, I swear.
Rabbit stared at the body. ...it's a shame...
Shame?
...probably wouldn't have any one looking for him...
What are you getting at?
...such a nice plump frame...
Vespe's eyes widened. Look, I didn't like him either, but that's just wrong-
No! No! Not that! Think of it as...a gift. You know, with the price of meat what it is...
Let me get this straight. Are you proposing we chop up this man's body and bake it into pies?
Rabbit stared at her feet for a moment, before mumbling ...yes.
You're a genius!
Rabbit smiled.

Over the following weeks, the two developed their "industry" into something of a routine. Someone would come into Vespe's barber shop for a shave. He would engage them in idle banter (So, do you have any friends or relatives who might come looking if you suddenly went missing?), then cut their throat. He had a trap door installed into the chair, which dropped the former patron into the oven room, where they were cut, cleaned, and baked into Ms. Rabbit's Famous Mystery Meat Pies.

In many ways, life was good. People couldn't get enough of the pies, even as they wondered where Uncle Bob had gone off to. They were raking in the profit, and Vespe was even beginning to hatch his plot for revenge, now that he had the necessary funds.

For Rabbit, however, things were rather frustrating. Not the minor things, like covering up the fact that your business is guilty of murder, tricking people into eating human flesh, and poor customer service, but Vespe. Maybe it was the hair. Maybe it was the way he talked. Maybe it was the glint of love in his eyes as the razor blade slit open another customer's jugular vein.

Unfortunately, he seemed to be rather clueless. Rabbit had tried everything: the inconspicuous (So what are you doing later? Killing people), the obvious (I think I love you. What was that? Couldn't hear you, this man's screaming too loud), and even the paradoxical (Would you not maybe never consider the possibility of refusing to not- Killing people is fun and therapeutic!), and nothing had worked.

But today's the day, I'm sure of it. I'm going to stop him right as he's coming in, and I'm going to tell him. Rabbit gulped. Here he comes... Vespe, I-
He shoved right past her. Can't talk, evil judge who ruined my life coming for a shave, need to get prepared.
Oh. Um...

At that moment, a man in a long, flowing black robe burst through the door. He had the unmistakable stench of pure malice (and a bit of a goatee). ...Judge Magtok, I presume?
I have come for teh shavez.
Right this way, sir.

So...if, say, some crazed murderous barber were to slit your throat, would anyone come looking for you?
Well, Lex might.
Lex?
No, on second thought, she wouldn't. You see, I sent this guy to Enupnion on false charges, made his wife kill herself, and Lex - their daughter - I adopted her, and now I'm going to marry her. Heheh. I iz evil.
I see. Well, I'm sorry to say that-

At that very moment, a woman burst through the door. I'm in love with your daughter.
Who the hell are you?
My name is Happy Turtle, and I want your permission to marry Lex.
Absolutely not! The two men glared at each other. Your daughter?
Magtok stood up, wiping the remaining shaving cream from his face. Hmmph. See if I ever come here again. He stomped out.

Vespe's eye twitched. Just a little bit. Then quite a lot. YOU IDIOT!
What did I do?
I was just about to get revenge on him, but now he's going to marry my daughter!
Oh dear.
It's okay, I've got a plan. Vespe grinned...evilly.

Knock. Knock. Magtok opened the door. Yes?
Hello, sir, my name is Not Happy Turtle, and I'm a wigmakers apprentice. May I come into your asylum and kidnap one of your prisoners?
I don't see why not, just don't take Lex, I'm keeping her there until I marry her.

Lex sat crying in the corner, presumably due to the fact that the ship has been going on this long and this is her first appearance. A knock came on the cell door. Lex?
Happy! You're the one who's been sending me all those creepy letters!
Indeed. Come with me, we're going to meet your father. The cell door swung open.
Dad? He's alive?
Yes, now hurry up. The two sprinted out.

Magtok stomped into the barber shop. The only person there was Vespe, grinning smugly. Ah, you've come back. Want me to finish that shave?
Don't be stupid, I know you've got Lex somewhere around here, where is she?
You want to look your best, don't you?
Magtok sighed. I suppose. He sat in the chair. So, have you heard about all these people who have been disappear-aaaaa thump.
I love that trap door. Vespe followed him down. Lex, Happy, and Rabbit stood in the oven room, staring at the corpse formerly known as Magtok.
...is that it?
So his neck's broken, me and Lex can run away together, and you two can get back to whatever it was you were doing?
It seems...too easy.
Oh, relax! I say we should all celebrate! Pies on the house!
Pass.
We know what you make them out of. Lex and Happy stuck out their tongues in disgust, and left.
Rabbit shrugged. I want one.

At that very moment, a raggedy looking woman, dressed in rags, stumbled into the oven room. Baragh mah mah vah!
Vespe sighed, pulled out his knife, and cut her throat, before his eyes widened in horror. Curly! He knelt down beside the corpse. Oh gods, I thought you were dead!
Rabbit whistled innocently. Vespe stood up, pointing an accusing finger at her. You! Why didn't you tell me she was alive?
Because...I love you. And she was barely alive as it is...I just wanted you to be happy.
...is that true?
Yes.
Vespe stumbled over to her, and embraced her, laughing and crying at the same time. It's okay. I understand. We can keep the business going. I love you too.
A tear streamed down Rabbit's face. Is that true?

Ending 1

Spoiler

Show

Yes. The two never got discovered, kept killing people and selling their flesh in pies, and lived happily ever after. Boring.

Ending 2

Spoiler

Show

No. Vespe shoved her into the oven and slammed it shut. He blinked. He began to laugh. He laughed through the sound of her screams. He laughed through the following silence. He laughed as the guards swarmed the building, and led him away in chains. He laughed as they put the noose around his neck.

To this day, one can still hear the reverberating screams and laughter in the basement of the Om Nom Nom National History Museum. Together. Forever.

That's great. I think the second ending works better, of course.

[Saint Nil]

This thread is pure win. I would list off all the amazing ships I just read, and would like to thank for all the cameos I'm in, but words cannot describe the awesomness that is ya'll.

[Neko Toast]

Part four is underway. Prepare to have hilarity ensue.

[RabbitHoleLost]

Swimming In A Fish Bowl
Destro/RHL

Spoiler

Show

It was dead.
She had spent a half hour on the bus, and then another twenty minutes picking the thing and all it accessories out for her little brother's birthday, and now the thing was dead.
Stupid goldfish.
Rabbit was too busy moping to note the man who sat next to her, not until he leaned in close.
"Hi. I'm Destro."
"Rabbit." She responded gruffly, and the man's smile fell just slightly.
"What's wrong?" Rabbit looked up from her lap, regarding the man skeptically. Was she really going to spill her woes to some random stranger on the bus who might or might not be some serial rapist killer?
"The fish I bought my little brother died."
Yeah, pretty much. She wasn't entirely the brightest thing.
"May I see it?" Destro held his hand out for the plastic bag, the little goldfish laying inert at the top of the water's surface. Rabbit gave it over skeptically, watching as he made a face of concentration.
Suddenly, the fish turned itself upright, and began to swim around the bag again.
"How did you-"
"Oh, this is my stop. Bye!" He winked and stood up, making his way down the aisle of the bus.
"But, hey, wait!" It was too late. He was already gone.
"...Thank you."

[Raistlin1040]

Because he asked...

Flaming Youth: Raistlin/Vespe

Spoiler

Show

Hey, wanna go kidnap someone? Sure. Who? Well, Rabbit and I were talking about kidnapping Dhani Harrison, because he's awesome. I could call her, and the three of us could go do that. Can't we go kidnap Julian Lennon or something? No, it's gotta be Dhani. Then no, I don't want to help. Well that's too bad, I'm going to make you help. How? By kidnapping you. ...So you're going to kidnap me, so we'll go on a kidnapping together? Yep. Raistlin pulled out a tennis racket and whacked Vespe with it. Vespe passed out, blood dripping from his lip, the point of impact. Raistlin frowned. Should probably clean that blood up. He picked up Vespe and his tongue flicked out, licking the blood from the elf's lip and chin. It was kinda creepy to be honest.

He then threw Vespe over his shoulder, and walked outside to his car. He then stuffed Vespe in the trunk and went to pick up Rabbit.

Weird. Major weird.

[RabbitHoleLost]

Because he asked...

Flaming Youth: Raistlin/Vespe

Spoiler

Show

Hey, wanna go kidnap someone? Sure. Who? Well, Rabbit and I were talking about kidnapping Dhani Harrison, because he's awesome. I could call her, and the three of us could go do that. Can't we go kidnap Julian Lennon or something? No, it's gotta be Dhani. Then no, I don't want to help. Well that's too bad, I'm going to make you help. How? By kidnapping you. ...So you're going to kidnap me, so we'll go on a kidnapping together? Yep. Raistlin pulled out a tennis racket and whacked Vespe with it. Vespe passed out, blood dripping from his lip, the point of impact. Raistlin frowned. Should probably clean that blood up. He picked up Vespe and his tongue flicked out, licking the blood from the elf's lip and chin. It was kinda creepy to be honest.

He then threw Vespe over his shoulder, and walked outside to his car. He then stuffed Vespe in the trunk and went to pick up Rabbit.

Weird. Major weird.

That is so incredibly hawt and creepy.
I love it

Also makes me want to do a Vespe/RHL/Rai fic o.o

[Vespe Ratavo]

Because he asked...

Flaming Youth: Raistlin/Vespe

Spoiler

Show

Hey, wanna go kidnap someone? Sure. Who? Well, Rabbit and I were talking about kidnapping Dhani Harrison, because he's awesome. I could call her, and the three of us could go do that. Can't we go kidnap Julian Lennon or something? No, it's gotta be Dhani. Then no, I don't want to help. Well that's too bad, I'm going to make you help. How? By kidnapping you. ...So you're going to kidnap me, so we'll go on a kidnapping together? Yep. Raistlin pulled out a tennis racket and whacked Vespe with it. Vespe passed out, blood dripping from his lip, the point of impact. Raistlin frowned. Should probably clean that blood up. He picked up Vespe and his tongue flicked out, licking the blood from the elf's lip and chin. It was kinda creepy to be honest.

He then threw Vespe over his shoulder, and walked outside to his car. He then stuffed Vespe in the trunk and went to pick up Rabbit.

Weird. Major weird.

I lol'd.

That is so incredibly hawt and creepy.
I love it

Also makes me want to do a Vespe/RHL/Rai fic o.o

DO IT. Pretty please? *puppy dog eyes*

[Deathslayer7]

ima eat lunch, then get to work on the next part of the fic.

[Neko Toast]

Batman: the GitP series

Cast

Spoiler

Show

Slayer Draco - Bruce Wayne/Batman
Wolfbane - Harvey Dent (soon to be TwoFace)
Dirk Kris/Brandi - Rachael Dawes
TwoBitWriter - Commissioner Gordon
Cobra_Ikari - Alfred

RabbitHoleLost - Harley Quinn
Reinholdt - Joker
Cristo Meyers - Scarecrow
Kaelaroth - Clayface
Aziraphale - Riddler
Helgraf - Poison Ivy

Part 4

Spoiler

Show

"You had to take the Batmobile for a joy ride." Brandi glared at Slayer. The four of them were now all sitting inside an interrogation room, handcuffed and looking rather pathetic. Except for Wolfbane, who was quite obviously wasted.

"Shut up. It's not like we stole it or anything. I own it."

The door to the room opened, and Commissioner Gordon approached them. Unfortunately, he had suffered the same fate as everyone else in this story thus far, and was now being controlled by TwoBitWriter. He sat at the other end of the table, and looked over the group.

"Well, I guess you know why you're here."

"Hey listen, if it'sss about Lushy - Lushia -"

"His name's Lucius, Wolf." Slayer said.

"Right. If it'sss about that guy'ss front lawn, I shwear, the toilet paper got there all by itshe -"

"This isn't about TPing Lucius Fox's lawn. This is about hotwiring Batman's car. Now, where did you get it from?"

None of them said anything. Slayer still looked rather calm for some reason, despite the amount of trouble he had just gotten himself in. Again, Wolf was completely wasted. Brandi looked awfully pissed, and was staring down Slayer. Finally, Cobra was whimpering, muttering something about them being doomed.

There was a long silence. Finally, TwoBit sighed, and got up from his chair. "If we're going to play games, I'm going to need a cup of coffee."

"Oh! Oh! I want shome! Gimme *hic* Gimme it with double sugar, double cream, oh, and marshmallows!"

TwoBit merely ignored him, and shut the door behind him.

"... Okay, what was that all abou -"

Before he could even finish his sentence, the back of his head was met by an unknown force, and his face was smashed into the table. He brought it back up, nose bleeding profusely. It was clearly broken.

"What the @%*! did you do that for?!"

All four of them turned around (Wolf almost fell out of his chair in doing so), only to meet the face of Batman.

"WHYDIDYOUSTEALMYCAAAR?!!"

"Er," Brandi said, looking a little perplexed. "What was that?"

"WHYDIDYOUSTEALMYCAAAR?!!"

"I'm sorry, what did you say?" Cobra looked equally confused.

"DONTPLAYGAMESWITHME.WHYDIDYOUDOIT?"

"Dude, can any of you understand what he's saying?"

All of them shook their heads. "It just sounds like gutteral sounds to me."

"Maybe he's speaking bat? Is that what a bat sounds like?" Brandi asked.

"Oh! Oh! I know!" Wolf jumped up excitedly, almost falling over again. "He has throat cancer!"

"IDONTHAVETHROATCANCER!" Batman punched Wolf in anger, sending him flying.

"Hey, that was uncalled for!" Slayer said, and slugged Batman in the face. but instead of flying him back, his face absorbed the blow. The area of his face that was bunched turned into a muddy brown color. It soon reformed back into its original state.

"Wait a minute, you're not Batman!" Slayer said, pointing an accusing finger at the man. "You're Clayface! Only he has the power to shapeshift!"

"Uh oh." Kaelaroth looked down at his feet, tapping his two index fingers together as he morphed back into his true form. "T-This is awkward. Uhm... Hey, look! A distraction!"

All four of them looked in the direction that he pointed. he originally intended for nothing to be there, but conveniently enough, TwoBit had reopened the door, a coffee mug in hand.

"Alright. I'm all ready to play games no - Wait, who the hell are you?!"

But by the time the rest of them had turned back to where Kaelaroth had been, he had disappeared. There was an oddly convenient grate where his feet had been. Why there was a drain inside an interrogation room, no one really knew. Perhaps it was for washing the blood off of the floor when the real Batman was interrogating criminals.

----

"Hey, has anyone seen Kael anywhere?" Cristo asked.

"I have a riddle for you. What has two thumbs and doesn't give a damn?" Azira then raised his two thumbs, and pointed them at himself. "This guy!"

"Hilarious." Helgraf remarked sarcastically. "You know, you really suck at being the Riddler."

Just then, Kael burst into the secret hideout, looking depressed. A few tears, which were made of clay, were running down his face.

"Aww, what happened?" Rabbit went over to him and hugged him, only to inevitably cover herself in his muck.

"Well, *sniff* I thought I'd have a little fun, so I disguised myself as Batman and hid in an interrogation room, so I could smack some people around 'n stuff. B-But, when I was interrogating these people who had stolen the Batmobile, I got slugged in the face by Bruce Wayne!" He began sobbing, runny clay streaming down his face.

"There there." Rabbit patted his back to try and comfort him.

"This will not be tolerated!" Rein said, standing up from his chair and raising his index finger into the air. "How dare that rich bastard hurt one of our own like this! Batman will have to wait. Our new target shall be famed billionare Bruce Wayne!"

The other villains cheered and clapped at the brilliant idea, and Rein brought his hands to his hips, looking up at the ceiling with pride.

[TwoBitWriter]

Batman: the GitP series

Cast

Spoiler

Show

Slayer Draco - Bruce Wayne/Batman
Wolfbane - Harvey Dent (soon to be TwoFace)
Dirk Kris/Brandi - Rachael Dawes
TwoBitWriter - Commissioner Gordon
Cobra_Ikari - Alfred

RabbitHoleLost - Harley Quinn
Reinholdt - Joker
Cristo Meyers - Scarecrow
Kaelaroth - Clayface
Aziraphale - Riddler
Helgraf - Poison Ivy

Part 4

Spoiler

Show

"You had to take the Batmobile for a joy ride." Brandi glared at Slayer. The four of them were now all sitting inside an interrogation room, handcuffed and looking rather pathetic. Except for Wolfbane, who was quite obviously wasted.

"Shut up. It's not like we stole it or anything. I own it."

The door to the room opened, and Commissioner Gordon approached them. Unfortunately, he had suffered the same fate as everyone else in this story thus far, and was now being controlled by TwoBitWriter. He sat at the other end of the table, and looked over the group.

"Well, I guess you know why you're here."

"Hey listen, if it'sss about Lushy - Lushia -"

"His name's Lucius, Wolf." Slayer said.

"Right. If it'sss about that guy'ss front lawn, I shwear, the toilet paper got there all by itshe -"

"This isn't about TPing Lucius Fox's lawn. This is about hotwiring Batman's car. Now, where did you get it from?"

None of them said anything. Slayer still looked rather calm for some reason, despite the amount of trouble he had just gotten himself in. Again, Wolf was completely wasted. Brandi looked awfully pissed, and was staring down Slayer. Finally, Cobra was whimpering, muttering something about them being doomed.

There was a long silence. Finally, TwoBit sighed, and got up from his chair. "If we're going to play games, I'm going to need a cup of coffee."

"Oh! Oh! I want shome! Gimme *hic* Gimme it with double sugar, double cream, oh, and marshmallows!"

TwoBit merely ignored him, and shut the door behind him.

"... Okay, what was that all abou -"

Before he could even finish his sentence, the back of his head was met by an unknown force, and his face was smashed into the table. He brought it back up, nose bleeding profusely. It was clearly broken.

"What the @%*! did you do that for?!"

All four of them turned around (Wolf almost fell out of his chair in doing so), only to meet the face of Batman.

"WHYDIDYOUSTEALMYCAAAR?!!"

"Er," Brandi said, looking a little perplexed. "What was that?"

"WHYDIDYOUSTEALMYCAAAR?!!"

"I'm sorry, what did you say?" Cobra looked equally confused.

"DONTPLAYGAMESWITHME.WHYDIDYOUDOIT?"

"Dude, can any of you understand what he's saying?"

All of them shook their heads. "It just sounds like gutteral sounds to me."

"Maybe he's speaking bat? Is that what a bat sounds like?" Brandi asked.

"Oh! Oh! I know!" Wolf jumped up excitedly, almost falling over again. "He has throat cancer!"

"IDONTHAVETHROATCANCER!" Batman punched Wolf in anger, sending him flying.

"Hey, that was uncalled for!" Slayer said, and slugged Batman in the face. but instead of flying him back, his face absorbed the blow. The area of his face that was bunched turned into a muddy brown color. It soon reformed back into its original state.

"Wait a minute, you're not Batman!" Slayer said, pointing an accusing finger at the man. "You're Clayface! Only he has the power to shapeshift!"

"Uh oh." Kaelaroth looked down at his feet, tapping his two index fingers together as he morphed back into his true form. "T-This is awkward. Uhm... Hey, look! A distraction!"

All four of them looked in the direction that he pointed. he originally intended for nothing to be there, but conveniently enough, TwoBit had reopened the door, a coffee mug in hand.

"Alright. I'm all ready to play games no - Wait, who the hell are you?!"

But by the time the rest of them had turned back to where Kaelaroth had been, he had disappeared. There was an oddly convenient grate where his feet had been. Why there was a drain inside an interrogation room, no one really knew. Perhaps it was for washing the blood off of the floor when the real Batman was interrogating criminals.

----

"Hey, has anyone seen Kael anywhere?" Cristo asked.

"I have a riddle for you. What has two thumbs and doesn't give a damn?" Azira then raised his two thumbs, and pointed them at himself. "This guy!"

"Hilarious." Helgraf remarked sarcastically. "You know, you really suck at being the Riddler."

Just then, Kael burst into the secret hideout, looking depressed. A few tears, which were made of clay, were running down his face.

"Aww, what happened?" Rabbit went over to him and hugged him, only to inevitably cover herself in his muck.

"Well, *sniff* I thought I'd have a little fun, so I disguised myself as Batman and hid in an interrogation room, so I could smack some people around 'n stuff. B-But, when I was interrogating these people who had stolen the Batmobile, I got slugged in the face by Bruce Wayne!" He began sobbing, runny clay streaming down his face.

"There there." Rabbit patted his back to try and comfort him.

"This will not be tolerated!" Rein said, standing up from his chair and raising his index finger into the air. "How dare that rich bastard hurt one of our own like this! Batman will have to wait. Our new target shall be famed billionare Bruce Wayne!"

The other villains cheered and clapped at the brilliant idea, and Rein brought his hands to his hips, looking up at the ceiling with pride.

I am awesome! You made Awesome TwoBit awesome! Thank you, SD!

Very funny!