What if Real Life worked by RAW?

[Flame of Anor]

"In other news, yet another unemployed musician has been sighted entering the White House. He has been declared the Chief of Staff earlier this afternoon. The president has also declared the man to be officially 'awesome'."

I lol'd. Hard.

[Honest Tiefling]

...Evolution would have resulted in some horrific mess of inherited templates like the Emerald Legion or something...

Platypuses would be the result of wizards. They would also look quite normal next to all of the owlbears, bunnywolves, penguinlions, and ducksnakes and such.

[Tenno Seremel]

I'll trade all of my levels to Telepath and invest heavily into Profession (rules lawyer).

[Coidzor]

Charm Person would be... well... *ahem*

[Arbane]

Platypuses would be the result of wizards. They would also look quite normal next to all of the owlbears, bunnywolves, penguinlions, and ducksnakes and such.

Oh, yeah: The "Australian" template would be +3 LA.

[Honest Tiefling]

I think the Australians might be dead, considering what mother nature throws at them without access to magic. It would be an epic level dungeon.

[Hazzardevil]

Well, I'd take Wedded to History. (what books that in again?)
And I'd also be a Artificer/Wizard into my homebrew prestige class the Artytheurge.

[hamishspence]

@Drowning: What everyone forgets about "drowning to heal" is that once you start the process, nothing can stop it. Yeah you'll go to 0 hp in the first round, but the following round you go to negatives and the third you're dead. RAW, this happens no matter what is done to aid the victim.

I'm told Stormwrack allows you to make a Heal check to stop drowning, as well:

"It's Wet Outside lets someone make a heal check to stop drowning."

[NineThePuma]

I think the Australians might be dead, considering what mother nature throws at them without access to magic. It would be an epic level dungeon.

So true.


Also, by now someone would have used the Locate City Wightocalyspse somewhere.

My money's on LA.

[Dvandemon]

I think the Australians might be dead, considering what mother nature throws at them without access to magic. It would be an epic level dungeon.

Obviously not; first you have the most likely epic Aboriginals, then you have the fact that Australia was likely the prison for all the epic criminals that couldn't be contained anywhere else. Once you reach epic Australia is the only place to level grind if you're feeling suicidal.

[Mr.Smashy]

Imagine some of the more terrifying spells:

Summon Monster/ Animal (dinosaurs)
Gate
Anything from BoVD....

Everyone run, its a stampede of Celestial Bison!

[Psyren]

I'm told Stormwrack allows you to make a Heal check to stop drowning, as well:

"It's Wet Outside lets someone make a heal check to stop drowning."

I just looked through Stormwrack and I can't find this. It only references the DMG entry on Drowning.

The SRD says you can use First Aid to stabilize someone at negative HP with a Heal check, so maybe that would work... but a literal reading would point out that you stabilize the character on round 2 and they still drown on round 3.

[noparlpf]

Well, I don't think I would be able to get out of bed half the time. I sleep in a lofted bed and wouldn't have put very many "ranks" into climb. Though I think last time I checked the climb DCs they're ridiculously easier than what they would be in real life. On the bright side, practically anybody could be a parkour master with climb DCs that low.

And if anybody has seen one or two of my other posts, of course I have to say this. I would be able to lift around twice what I currently can, and I would be able to jump about a quarter what I currently can. (Those two mechanics are so screwy. Apparently game designers are the indoorsy type.)

Also, I think people would die much more easily with the ridiculous abstraction that is HP. A few caltrops can kill a commoner, or (this estimate is based on carrying capacities, so it's a little silly, like I said before) someone with my strength could kill a commoner by punching them, without even taking Imp. UaS. (Because how many commoners are actually going to take that AoO? Seriously.)

And yeah...I think my overall common sense might decrease if the DM considered high Int, low Wis to still not be able to learn from past mistakes. We were sizing me up to give a newish player an idea of what the abilities equate to in real life, and they assigned me a Wis of 4.

But since RAW is kind of vague like all the time, who's going to adjudicate? Is there a DM? How do I brush my hair in the morning? Why do my glasses now count as a 5500 gp magic item? (Actually, probably more than a +5 to spot. I'm pretty bloody blind. But where's there a mechanic for eyesight that poor? I've only seen traits with +/- 1 to spot, I think, and "nearsighted" compensates with +1 search...which I'm too blind to even have. So do my eyes just get better so I only have a -1 spot/+1 search? Sweet deal.)

And yeah, if not for the clause about nat 1s not being an auto-fail for skill checks, doing anything would suck. A 5% chance of complete failure? That's a big chance.
(Though with the existing real-life "rules", "rolling a 1" still causes failure on plenty of skill checks it shouldn't by RAW based on the person's "ranks" in the skill; for example, I've tripped while jumping plenty of times when even with a roll of 1 I would have been able to make the jump, based on my typical jumping capability being around +22. Maybe that counts as failing a balance check. Hard to say. Who's the DM for Real Life?)

So when do I get to buy a periapt of wisdom and start taking levels of druid? I think that would be a better class choice than anything I can practice IRL, considering that's pretty much limited to "fighter"/"warrior", "expert", "aristocrat", "commoner", and maybe "barbarian", "rogue", or a few other nonmagical classes.

Wow, this got long.

Edit: Oh yeah, first I need a level of cleric or maybe a few paladin levels so I can turn undead. I really need to find out who the DM for Real Life would be so I can ask to be gestalt and take both paladin and druid simultaneously. I hate undead. Maybe I would be a radiant servant of Pelor instead.

[Darklord Bright]

If real life worked by RAW, we could assume that there would be a DM to arbitrate those rules. In such a scenario, "Rules Lawyers" would operate much more like the Agents from The Matrix, making sure those filthy powergamers don't keep winning the Olympics using exploits/loopholes in the wording.

[Vemynal]

I would quit Nursing school and trade my RHD for a level of Cleric

[Laura Eternata]

"In other news, yet another unemployed musician has been sighted entering the White House. He has been declared the Chief of Staff earlier this afternoon. The president has also declared the man to be officially 'awesome'."

That's brilliant. Mind if I sig that?

[Larpus]

Also, any man could literally kill himself while shaving if they rolled a 1.

A burly strong as hell general-type man wouldn't necessarily be more intimidating than street musicians who have high Cha and Intimidate.

[Whammydill]

You wouldn't be able to see the sun, due to the distance penalty to spot checks.

[noparlpf]

You wouldn't be able to see the sun, due to the distance penalty to spot checks.

Yeah, but it's REALLY, REALLY big. That's plus a gazillion for its size.

[Whammydill]

True, but the size modifier in the SRD caps out at Colossal I think? -1 per 10 feet, times 93 (or so) million miles. That's a -491,040,000,000 to the spot check!!!

[noparlpf]

True, but the size modifier in the SRD caps out at Colossal I think? -1 per 10 feet, times 93 (or so) million miles. That's a -491,040,000,000 to the spot check!!!

Oh yeah. They do do it that way, don't they. How can they possibly think that something could be even harder to miss the bigger it gets? Because I know that I've missed houses before, but those mountains are just as easy to hide as houses, right?

You win, by RAW.

[Wardog]

I'd be a multiclassed expert/monk, with Weapon Proficiency: Rifles, and most of my skill ranks in Knowledge:Random Stuff. And as such would be hideously gimped rather than impressively skilled.

[Whammydill]

Basically the planet would be renamed D'ehmfeeaht, instead of Earth

[Hazzardevil]

Obviously not; first you have the most likely epic Aboriginals, then you have the fact that Australia was likely the prison for all the epic criminals that couldn't be contained anywhere else. Once you reach epic Australia is the only place to level grind if you're feeling suicidal.

Come to think of it, the Aborigenees would have the class features of a barbarian of their HD, seeing as they are a different race.
Actually come to think it, it wouldn't be racist not liking the welsh anymore, seeing as all the countries will be different races.
We might all share the same subtype but that doesn't mean we all have bonus feats and skill points. (That would be reserved for the british.)
So the french would probably be Elves/Halflings. (With a penalty to AC against Gnomes.)
The Australians would be like Human's only a penalty of diplomacy with non Australians.
The Americans would be Dwarves.
The german's would be Gnomes.
The Japenese therefore must be Goblins because their too short to be Giant's and have had major wars with America.
I have just started the statting out of the Human race.

[Ksheep]

Come to think of it, the Aborigenees would have the class features of a barbarian of their HD, seeing as they are a different race.
Actually come to think it, it wouldn't be racist not liking the welsh anymore, seeing as all the countries will be different races.
We might all share the same subtype but that doesn't mean we all have bonus feats and skill points. (That would be reserved for the british.)
So the french would probably be Elves/Halflings. (With a penalty to AC against Gnomes.)
The Australians would be like Human's only a penalty of diplomacy with non Australians.
The Americans would be Dwarves.
The german's would be Gnomes.
The Japenese therefore must be Goblins because their too short to be Giant's and have had major wars with America.
I have just started the statting out of the Human race.

So... would the Spanish be Halflings then?

EDIT: And the Russians Half-orcs?

[Eric Tolle]

An average sword would cost $7,200.00.

Someone would try the "ladder to 10' staves" trick, only to find out that aluminum ladders make poor staves, and there isn't much of a market for 10' poles.

[Arbane]

An average sword would cost $7,200.00.

Someone would try the "ladder to 10' staves" trick, only to find out that aluminum ladders make poor staves, and there isn't much of a market for 10' poles.

What is this "market" you speak of? Everything has a fixed price, regardless of ease of manufacture or whether anyone's buying it.

[Douglas]

You wouldn't be able to see the sun, due to the distance penalty to spot checks.

Ah, but that penalty is only used for determining the distance at which an encounter begins. Unless you're trying to engage the sun in combat or otherwise have an "encounter" with it, this isn't a problem.

[Devmaar]

I would put on a blindfold and throw myself at the ground repeatedly until I failed my 50% miss chance for blindness and gained the ability of Dentian flight.

[NNescio]

Also, any man could literally kill himself while shaving if they rolled a 1.

A burly strong as hell general-type man wouldn't necessarily be more intimidating than street musicians who have high Cha and Intimidate.

Fumbles (aside from automatic misses [and nothing more] on attacks) aren't RAW.