Relationship Woes and Advice 21: Time To Go Bar-Hopping

[Coidzor]

As for figuring out your body, all you need is erotica and some alone time. But the feelings, they're going to happen again unless you sequester yourself for the rest of your life. Better to explore them with someone you care for and trust - someone who seems to care for and trust you as well - than to have your emotions go out of whack with some guy you've just been casually dating. This is practice, but it sounds like an ideal training wheels situation.

Coffee: Indeed, that basically all sorts itself out once you've got a door that locks, though internet resources can help, I suppose. I think there's a website called teenwire that's gotten good press in this thread before. Of course, if you read back through the earlier incarnations of the thread, you'll find links to resources here and there anyway.

If you really need someone to point out some resources to you, IIRC, Kenderwizard would be your best bet. Syka's probably got plenty she could point out, but she's been busy as of late.

As for your friend, talk to him, tell him you want him to be with you, and throw the fear of failure to the wind and just try. One's first attempt rarely turns into a 70 year commitment that one looks back on as an entirely good decision, but that's why we have youth rather than going straight to complete adult.

[Feytalist]

I want to tell him, I'm just having trouble finding the time. He's headed back to college Friday, while I'm still on break for another couple weeks. But next week I'm headed up to meet him and a couple other close friends of mine, in a big get-together, and I'm crashing in his room two nights, so maybe I might be able to tell him then...

I would maybe advise against telling him in his house, with others present. I'd suggest a neutral place in a more one-on-one kind of situation. Even if it's just at a coffee shop. I like walks in the park or something for this kind of situation, but that's just me. Anything to make it less awkward.

I was in a similar situation, once. The girl in question was also struggling with these kinds of feelings for the first time, and we were also friends for some time beforehand. Incidentally, she brought up the subject first, and I'm really glad that she did, otherwise nothing might have happened. Suffice to say, we were together for over 3 very good years.

Bottom line, tell him. Tell him soonest. It sounds like it might work out very well for you And even if it somehow doesn't, everyone needs to go through this kind of thing sometime. It's scary as all hell, I know, but it really is worth it.

[Reluctance]

Coffee: "Asking him out" all official-like is a lot of pressure for relatively little return. You ask a stranger out on a date. When friends become a couple, it's more about acknowledging an upgrade. You're already cool asking him to get together, obviously. The official date-date is just adding pressure. As someone with a fair amount of time in the trenches, it really isn't that big a deal.

Here's what I want you to do. Next time you're together with him in a reasonably private area, say "there's something I've always wanted to do" and kiss him. No waffling. No equivocations. Just get it right out there to break the ice. It isn't forwards or slatternly, any more than this was. (Yours'll be somewhat more awkward. That comes with the territory. Go with it.)

The important thing is getting it out in the open so both of you don't stand there eternally waiting for the other to make the first move. If he reciprocates - which I think is a safe bet, considering that everybody except for the two of you is noticing the signals you two are sending - awesome. If he doesn't, learning how to deal with heartbreak and rejection are more big-girl lessons you'll have to learn at some point. Trust me, better this with someone you know and have a solid backbone of friendship to fall back on, than a classmate/co-worker where things can get really awkward.

[DeadManSleeping]

@Coffee: The phrase "I don't want to ruin our friendship" is the silliest reason to not get into a romantic relationship. Here's a fun game: next time you're together on one of your "not-"dates, try and figure out how much of your time you're spending thinking about this whole relationship thing or your physical desires or worrying about this whole thing. There. That's as ruined as your friendship will be after you've dated if it is ruined, because that's what failed relationships do to friendships.

I know relationships are scary. Boy, I really do get that. But this is probably your third time asking us for advice on the same problem. Don't you think it's time to get up and go make yourself a new situation?

[The Succubus]

So... obviously, you need to make a bet and then collect all the winnings AND get the guy.

It's win/win >.>

This. This is why the thread is called the Relationship Woes and Advice Thread.

[CoffeeIncluded]

So basically you're all saying I should just go up and kiss him.

Know what? Next time I see him, I'm telling him. I just hope I'm able to work up the nerve then.

[Castaras]

Know what? Next time I see him, I'm telling him. I just hope I'm able to work up the nerve then.

Don't think, just say "You, I like you. A lot. Ya know what I'm saying? We would make a totally hot couple."

You can do it Coffee. *huggles of courage*

[Reluctance]

He's a good friend, no? You've been there for each other through emotionally trying times. Which means it's safe to say that he's not going to toss you out like a candy bar wrapper even if things do go through an awkward patch.

The major point, though, is to get your feelings out in the open. There's no way I can guarantee that any relationship will work out as you hope. (Although with the way everybody is shipping you, it's a reasonably safe bet.) Not risking anything, however, is a way to guarantee nothing happens. Even in the worst case scenarios, at least you'll know so you can stop dwelling on it.

So yes. Say/do something. You'll have to force yourself to do it, but I promise that afterwards you'll look back and realize how anticlimactic it was. Music will not suddenly start playing. Fireworks will not spring up around you. But if everything you're saying is correct, there's significant risk of you coming away with a goofy-happy feeling that lasts at least the rest of the month.

Edit to add: If you wanna make The Playground happy, "Wanna make out?" would be an excellent line.

[polity4life]

Coffee, when you make your move please make sure that it isn't a punch to the sternum. That's how my relationship started with hopefully-future-Mrs.Polity4life. In the end things have turned out well and continue to do so, but I will never let her live her first move on me down.

So the take-away for you from this is to try to be graceful or at least mitigate any clumsy impulses that you have.

[Asta Kask]

So basically you're all saying I should just go up and kiss him.

Know what? Next time I see him, I'm telling him. I just hope I'm able to work up the nerve then.

Just remember the Jedi Master's advice:

[The Succubus]

So basically you're all saying I should just go up and kiss him.

Know what? Next time I see him, I'm telling him. I just hope I'm able to work up the nerve then.

My first kiss was probably the right way to do it. We had just gone for a walk around a lake on a hot summer's day and stopped for a rest on a pinic bench in the shade. We both turned to look at each other and I remember leaning in without saying a word and the rest is a pink fluffy fuzz for some reason.

It's a lot easier when you don't try and say anything.

[Pepz]

I'll agree with Succubus that words usually only complicate the matter. If you start by pretending to try to ask if he might have a favorable opinion about possibly having the chance of kissing you, there'll be confusion all around, not just because the way you word it, but because there's emotions to be handled as well.

I do like the "Do you know what I've wanted to do for a while now?" approach to things :)

Oh, and don't wait for a perfect or even a great moment. There's no such thing. You MAKE your own moments :) Even if you get shot down (unlikely if I browsed through the thread correctly) you'll remember the moment when you were flying

[Lord Loss]

Good for you Coffee! Hope this all works out ofr the best.

I'm having a little probelm of my own.

Spoiler

Show

A good female friend of mine has liked me for a while, a fact that's been brought to my attention quite recently. Despite the fact that I've dated tw other people recently (including someone that I'm currently dating), she's conflicted as to whether or not I like her (To be fair I may have acted a tad flirtatious or possesive at times but no more so than with other close female friends). Which wouldn't be a problem on his own, the way I see it I'll just wait it out and our friendship won't be damaged. I've seen her like people before and I don't think it'll last all that long. Maybe I'm in the wrong for dealing with it this way.

The problem is two of out mutual friends (a couple). Whilst the other person I asked thought that I was dealing with it just fine, these two have been constantly telling me that I have to tell her I don't like her and that it's cruel to deal with it in any other way. One of them who is generally a great friend but can be a tad controlling at times has gone as far as to tell me something along the lines of:

''She's going to hear it and she's going to hear it from you. This isn't a threat it's a statement''

I don't have a problem with their opinion - who knows? maybe that is how I should deal with it - so much as the fact that they're trying to take control of something that isn't their business and I'd like to hear the playground's opinions on what to do with both of those issues (how to deal with the girl and with the friends)

Also, I'd just like to say something to everyone who's convinced they're two unlikeable to end up in a relationship, that one one could ever like them, that they're too unnatractive or weird or annoying or what have you.

You're not.

It doesn't always come easy and it doesn't always come fast, but there are people out there that will be attracted to each and every one of you. There's one catch though. You have to keep trying. You have to head out there and weather the failures and not give up. Cause if you give up, if you start shutting out your feelings and never taking action, you're going to have a lot of a harder time when you do find yourself liking someone, or even loving someone.

[hawkboy772042]

I've just started seeing this girl and I noticed that she still has a bunch of pictures of her and her ex-boyfriend on her Facebook page. How do I get her to take them down without looking like a control freak?

[Castaras]

I've just started seeing this girl and I noticed that she still has a bunch of pictures of her and her ex-boyfriend on her Facebook page. How do I get her to take them down without looking like a control freak?

May I ask why you want to take them down?

[hawkboy772042]

May I ask why you want to take them down?

The ones of her kissing another guy tend to make me feel uncomfortable. Especially since I once dated a girl who was actually cheating on her boyfriend with me. (Just a picture with her and some dude doesn't mean anything, but the more intimate types of photos tend to make me think if she was telling the truth to me...)

[Coidzor]

May I ask why you want to take them down?

Unless she's getting a lot of active traffic on them commenting on what a cute couple they make in them and there's no correction that he is an ex or you're not facebook official yet or if he's still facebook official with her, I'm not really grokking this myself.

I've got pictures of myself with my exs on facebook, and I've dated women who have had pictures of themselves with their ex-boyfriends on facebook.

It's not a very big deal, generally.

[DeadManSleeping]

@L_L: Look, you don't just march up to a girl and say "look, I don't know what you think is going on, but this *pointing at girl and self repeatedly*, it ain't happening." Your friends are being concerned, but somewhat, well, wrong. Just try to avoid date-like things. Try to only see her in contexts where there's at least one other person.

@hawkboy: If it makes you uncomfortable, then don't page through her "guys I've sexed" album. You're justified in feeling uncomfortable looking at them, but she hasn't exactly pinned them up where you can't avoid them. And, as for your worry that their existence means she's not over her ex, well, that also makes (a bit of) sense, but isn't really grounds for anything major. I honestly would never take the time to erase all traces of someone I broke up with from my life, even if they drowned my mother in their own waste. It's not healthy behavior to disavow the existence of past partners. As long as she doesn't constantly bring them up and compare you to them, she's probably sufficiently over them.

[GAThraawn]

Coffee, I was in the same situation as you a couple of years ago, very close friends with a girl I developed feelings for, at a time when I didn't really want to be harbouring feelings for anyone, or lose her as a friend. I finally worked up the nerve to tell her that I had a crush on her before she went home for the holidays, and emphasized that she didn't need to respond to me right away if she wanted to take time to consider things, and that I'd still be her friend if that's all she wanted. She awkwardly shot me down, and it was uncomfortable for both of us for a while, although we had the holidays apart so we spent most of the time feeling awkward apart. We remained friends (because, really, if a good friend says something like "I have a crush on you, please let me know how you feel, so I can work on getting over this and move on, because I don't want our friendship to be negatively impacted", what are you going to do? Never talk to them again?), and in fact a couple of months later, after she'd had some time to ajust to the notion, we started dating, and are currently living together.

I think if you give him time and space to consider this new information (assuming he doesn't feel exactly the same way and has been waiting for an opening to jump you), and emphasize that if he doesn't feel the same way, you just want to get over him and continue being good friends, if he is a good friend he should understand. If he doesn't reciprocate, he might need some time and space to get over it, but he will understand.

[Serpentine]

Guuuuuuuuuys.
If you've read my diary-whatsit, you might remember I talk about someone called Sinta. One of her friends, who works on the beach, gave me a lift home on his bike the other night. He's pretty cute, and has a weirdly ocker accent
Apparently he was asking where I was and was asking Sinta for my number XD
Aside from being supes flattering, and this being a general "eeeeeeee someones interested in me! " thing... GAAAAAWWWWWD so awkward >.< Srsly. Words cannot express how awkward I'll be.
Just... Awkwardness. So much.

edit: Alright, few more specifics on the sources of awkwardness.
1. I'm no good at talking with non-geeks, and cute as he is I've been realising I'm even not terribly attracted to such people (even purely lustily! :O).
2. I struggle with language differences and accents :/ Although the accent's not so much of an issue in this case...

[Reluctance]

Serp: What's that old thing they tell public speakers to help them relax? Picture him in his underwear.

[Serpentine]

...
Hawt.

Confession: the reason I like the "organic" method of relationship(orwhatever)-development is because I don't know how to do it the other way :/

[The Succubus]

And thus Serpy's masterplan was finally revealed. She would travel the world building an army of admirers, each of whom would fall passionately in love with her and serve as footsoldiers in her Army of Darkness.

.....

Teasing aside, I guess it's largely down to you. It depends how long you'll be staying in each country as to whether you'll have enough time to persue something, unless you feel comfortable with idea of holiday romance.

Or is it more case of how it will be awkward when you're all out as a group with friends and nothing happens?

[Serpentine]

That'd be pretty sweet


I dunno, just... awkward. Talkin' bout stuff. Doin' stuff. Just... awkward. Unless he's secretly a gamer-boy (which I doubt), I don't think we have anything in common, and lately I've been musing that even for something really casual I'd still need to be able to talk to them about stuff, y'know?
Or maybe I should just take my laptop down to the beach with me and introduce him to the joys of Skyrim

edit: Temporary awkwardness work-around acquired: permission to give number given, no phone calls (can't stand talking on mobiles).

*squee*

[Heliomance]

Thought you already had a Boy, Serps.

[Serpentine]

Broke up cuz leaving and not in love and stuff.
Which also, btw, puts a dampener on the possibility of Stuff Happening. Just not feeling it, you know *shrug*
But hey, I can still be tickled at the idea of a cute boy fancying me, can't I?

[Pepz]

As I don't know you that well Serpentine, I'll just go with the general advice of "just enjoy it". :) There's a cute boy who's asked your number, which is already cool :). If it's all about just having fun, don't worry about differences.

[Serpentine]

Heh. Thanks.

I've just started seeing this girl and I noticed that she still has a bunch of pictures of her and her ex-boyfriend on her Facebook page. How do I get her to take them down without looking like a control freak?

Whoa. I missed this, while I was being all me-ish.
I pretty much can't think of a single reason why she should take them down. If she's still friends with him, then she is allowed to have pictures of her friends on her Facebook. If she's not, well, I dunno what you're worried about.
If there's one or two specific photos where they're being particularly gratuitously couply, you could possibly - very carefully, and very politely, and very non-forcefully - tell her they make you uncomfortable and ask her very nicely if she'd take those specific ones down. However, I'm afraid you'd probably have to just deal with it if she doesn't want to, and you have pretty much no right to require her to take down all of them.

Cuz I'm, like, totes in a position to give relationship advice

[DeadManSleeping]

Blurgh. I have what may be officially the weirdest problem ever.

My girlfriend is too fun.

We don't get much time to hang out (a couple hours a week at the very most). Generally there's a meal involved, and then we spend some time absorbing media, and also spend a lot of time just shooting the HEY NOW. After a bit of that, she has to go home, and I don't get to see her again for over a week.

This might sound good, but I suppose I should make this abundantly clear: the activity schedule I outlined above doesn't leave any room for hanky panky. Not even the kind that's so tame that "hanky panky" is a completely appropriate phrase for it. So, yes, we have a good time together, but...

It's not like she's stopping me from doing anything. We just never get around to having quiet moments because there's always something else to do.

Blurgh.

[Tyriont]

DeadMan, a few questions:

- Is this a temporary situation due to work/school schedules, or is this the standard?
- What are the other time restraints that are keeping you from spending more time together?
- Are there any changes you can see coming up that will enable you to spend more time together?

They're all kinda variations on the same question, granted...but still, it'll help get a little more insight into the situation.