What would you do if you met an extraterrestrial?

[PallElendro]

One of these days, a human, no matter how impoverished or wealthy, socially recognised or faceless, will meet up with a life-form from beyond our planet. Might be a minute after you read this post, months, years, decades. But you all must have a plan to interact with them if you see them, right?
If you were to meet an extraterrestrial life-form, what would you do with them? The circumstances are that they are totally friendly, open to interspecies interactions, and vaguely humanoid.

[Starwulf]

One of these days, a human, no matter how impoverished or wealthy, socially recognised or faceless, will meet up with a life-form from beyond our planet. Might be a minute after you read this post, months, years, decades. But you all must have a plan to interact with them if you see them, right?
If you were to meet an extraterrestrial life-form, what would you do with them? The circumstances are that they are totally friendly, open to interspecies interactions, and vaguely humanoid.

Don't particularly believe we'll ever see another intelligent life form, sorry. Not saying there aren't any out there, but the sheer odds against seeing them until we have highly advanced interstellar space travel, are slim to none, and slim done left town.

That saying, if I did see one, I'd run for the hills, screaming like a banshee.

[Flickerdart]

Is it alone? The likelihood of mutual understanding reached within any reasonable time frame is impossibly low, so I'd wait until it inevitably got itself killed by something stupid like the common cold, grab an armful of its tech, and book it to Mountainview.

[Admiral Squish]

I suspect it would depend highly on exact context of the meeting. If I was just out somewhere and ran into a semi-humanoid alien lifeform, as long as it made no hostile or terrifying actions, there would be initial trepidation, then curiosity, then trying to figure out who I could call about such a thing. I mean, who do you call, anyways? I mean, who's gonna believe a random guy claiming to have found an alien? Probably not some low-level guy on the 911 answering service. Oh, and I'd take photos, if I can figure out a way to do it without terrifyin' him.

[Lord Raziere]

I'd made the vulcan hand sign then say "I welcome you in peace, space stranger, you would like to buy my bizarre goods from this planet yes?" in a intentionally fake and funny accent. just to screw with their head.

[Bulldog Psion]

I would depart the area with as much rapidity as a quiet withdrawal would allow. Running and screaming draws far too much attention to you and activates the aggressive response, more than likely, in your average run of the mill apex-predator-turned-sapient. Just fading out, in so far as it's possible, is probably the best option.

Of course, part of what I did would probably depend on the alien's choices, too. For example, if they were hard-noses and had orders not to be seen by the natives, my next action would likely be to lie on the ground rapidly dying from a hole burned through my heart or brain. This, of course, is a major part of the reason why I would attempt to quietly depart the area as fast as possible.

[Gravitron5000]

Offer it some Reese's Pieces. I don't think that I'd let it use my phone though. The long distance charges would be horrendous.

[FLHerne]

More likely to be an extraterrestrial rover/sample probe, if they go about exploration anything like we do.

If an actual live alien came to look at stuff, they'd presumably have some sort of environmental protection (i.e. no common-cold problem) and be prepared to encounter the local wildlife.

Maybe try to avoid any involuntary tissue-sampling/dissection? Although they'd probably want to observe normal behaviour first.

[Admiral Squish]

Observe normal behavior... Okay, here's a scenario for you. You encounter a semi-humanoid alien. You have no common language, but it does nothing threatening toward you. Said alien proceeds to follow you around and stare at you. For days. No communication, it just follows you around. It ignores or barely notes the behavior and reactions of other humans. If attacked it responds with non-lethal but highly effective force. It's got transportation that allows it to keep up with you no matter where or how you travel and if you manage to 'lose' it, it always finds you again within an hour. How would you respond to such a thing?

[Kneenibble]

I would hope he look a little something like this:

Spoiler: This is a niche joke.

Show

[golentan]

"Hello fellow traveller. I've been trapped on this world with the locals, who call themselves humans, for the past 8000 or so rotations around its primary star. In that time, I've seen nearly everything these people are capable of. My advice to you: Run. There is nothing of value here that can't be found elsewhere, and if you continue into town there's a fifty fifty chance that one of them will assume you're hostile and shoot you regardless of your intent. They are improving, so feel free to come back in a couple hundred years, but really, right now you're better off marking this place as uninhabited and sailing on."

[Flickerdart]

I would hope he look a little something like this:

Spoiler: This is a niche joke.

Show

Really? I would hope that he doesn't.

[Asta Kask]

I'd summon up my inner Captain Kirk and ask if it wants to have sex with me.

[noparlpf]

One of these days, a human, no matter how impoverished or wealthy, socially recognised or faceless, will meet up with a life-form from beyond our planet. Might be a minute after you read this post, months, years, decades. But you all must have a plan to interact with them if you see them, right?
If you were to meet an extraterrestrial life-form, what would you do with them? The circumstances are that they are totally friendly, open to interspecies interactions, and vaguely humanoid.

"Ooh. Did you bring a biology textbook with you? No? Sorry, nothing personal." And then I dissect them.

[Grinner]

Observe normal behavior... Okay, here's a scenario for you. You encounter a semi-humanoid alien. You have no common language, but it does nothing threatening toward you. Said alien proceeds to follow you around and stare at you. For days. No communication, it just follows you around. It ignores or barely notes the behavior and reactions of other humans. If attacked it responds with non-lethal but highly effective force. It's got transportation that allows it to keep up with you no matter where or how you travel and if you manage to 'lose' it, it always finds you again within an hour. How would you respond to such a thing?

Well, my first instinct would be to call the police. 'Cause, y'know, a creepy person-thing-organism is watching me as I sleep.

When the police prove ineffective, the National Guard, the Army, or Batman will probably be called in. They'll probably then quarantine my home and assail me with questions. Assuming they still can't capture and/or dissect the alien, they might consider dissecting me instead.

[TheThan]

I’d punch it in the face (knocking it out of course) say “Welcome to Earth” then proceed to smoke a cigar.

All this after I’ve forced it down with my F 18.

edit:
unless of course it's a hot alien space babe... then I'm going the Kirk route.

[GoblinArchmage]

I'd summon up my inner Captain Kirk and ask if it wants to have sex with me.

This is the only appropriate answer, regardless of what the alien looks like. Shame on all of you for not suggesting it earlier.

[huttj509]

"How was the trip?"

[Vizzerdrix]

I'd grab my laptop and introduce them/it to 4chan.

[Killer Angel]

If you were to meet an extraterrestrial life-form, what would you do with them? The circumstances are that they are totally friendly, open to interspecies interactions, and vaguely humanoid.

I'm planning to make good use of my towel.

[Frozen_Feet]

That would highly depend on what kind of an extra-terrestrial it is, something none of you have told me.

[Slipperychicken]

[Assuming I encounter a "little green man" alien during my normal routine, and assuming no interruptions from the alien]

I'd probably spend between 1 and 15 minutes wondering if it was a fake and/or some kind of prank. I'd then attempt to steel my face for the hidden cameras which might be deployed nearby to capture my reaction, and try to ask something like "what, is this some kind of prank?", hoping that a human would come out and confirm my suspicion. If there's no response, then I might take a photo of the alien and walk away. After walking out, I'd wonder who to call about it.

If the alien started speaking to me in recognizable English, I'd feel completely sure that it's a prank, and I'd probably ask it some snarky questions before walking out.

[The Extinguisher]

Explode my social media.
I wonder how many followers an alien picture would get me?

[Kajhera]

Well, attempt to communicate with. Talk to a fair amount, endeavor to behave in a manner suggesting friendliness as appropriate for surrounding culture, try to start working out some pidgin. Be the primate being taught sign language.

Treat the whole situation with curiosity and calmness. Yes, it's very exciting, but don't want to scare anyone off (human or alien). Communicate with other humans in a way that will set them at ease. Basically, don't make any sudden moves, or provoke any fellow humans into making sudden moves. Strive to keep alien safe, and try to teach them a healthy caution/fear of humans, without fearing me, and without discouraging friendly interaction (basically same reasoning as, don't just jump into a strange wolf pack with friendly intentions, however neat of folk the wolves are).

[AtomicKitKat]

Depending on relative tech levels, figure out some way to come out on top, or keep myself just ahead of it.

Is it bad that my first thought upon seeing the thread title was "The Captain Kirk interspecies communication act"? And I've never even watched a single episode of Star Trek.

[Slipperychicken]

Depending on relative tech levels, figure out some way to come out on top, or keep myself just ahead of it.

Is it bad that my first thought upon seeing the thread title was "The Captain Kirk interspecies communication act"? And I've never even watched a single episode of Star Trek.

No, but it is bad that you've never seen an episode of Star Trek.

[Ravens_cry]

No, but it is bad that you've never seen an episode of Star Trek.

It's a downright tragedy.
On topic, I'd say "Hello and welcome. I am sure you have a cultural legacy that are alien to us, and us likewise to you. I am sure we can find a way to share that. Perhaps, say, Agatha Christie's complete works for plans to whatever you used to get here."

[Kindablue]

Traditional Earth greeting.

[Flickerdart]

I'd grab my laptop and introduce them/it to 4chan.

Without cultural context, even the darkest corners of 4chan are meaningless. The alien would be utterly immune to the worst shock images.

[tomandtish]

I'd grab my laptop and introduce them/it to 4chan.

So if they weren't planning on exterminating us before, you want to make sure it does happen?

Given OP's parameters'

1) Try and establish enough initial communication so they decide to use me for all further negotiations with earth.

2) Become the default first ambassador of humanity.

3) ....

4) Profit