Results 871 to 900 of 1486
-
2009-10-05, 09:57 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- May 2007
- Location
- U.K
Re: Crack Pairings II - Brain Bleach not Supplied
Oh no, CoffeeIncluded - you ninja'd me! I've been working on a What Happened The Night of Lien's Junior Prom fic too (mine is Miko/Lien, so at least it's not the same pairing), but it's been coming along s-l-o-w-l-y -- and yours was so good that I don't know if I should post mine now! I love ElanxJulio, too - great work!
Many thanks, blue silk handkerchiefs, and small inarticulate hedgehog noises to Funky Goose for the sig banner!
Even more thanks to half-halfling for the adorable avatar, which is from this comic!
-
2009-10-05, 11:01 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- May 2008
- Location
- Netherlands
- Gender
Re: Crack Pairings II - Brain Bleach not Supplied
Trying a few more rolls:
1) The entire Hobgoblin army + Julia Greenhilt
Police/military uniform
Would be interesting if Julia was the one in uniformSpoiler(dominatrix?)
2) Lord Shojo + Jephton/Haerta/Ganneron
Drunkenness
What else could cause this?
3) (Miko + Jirix + Soon Kim (incorporeal)) + Mr. Rodriguez
In the afterlife + Drunkenness
...
4) (Miko + Xykon's zombie dragon head) + Monster in the Dark
Unrequited love
SOMEONE NEEDS TO WRITE THIS.
5) Belkar + (Gender-switched ((Gender-switched Kazumi) + The Guy with a halberd + Soon Kim (incorporeal)))
High heels and black leather + Adultery + Kidnapped (By somebody inside or outside of the pairing)
OMG!SpoilerSomeone write Belkar in high heels and black leather, Kazumi double-gender-switched (male in drag), and Soon Kim (incorporeal) kidnap The Guy with a halberd for some sexytimes.
-
2009-10-05, 11:39 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Jul 2009
- Location
- Near St Andews, Scotland.
- Gender
Re: Crack Pairings II - Brain Bleach not Supplied
Hey, Water Smurf, I finally found something to criticise in a really minor way about your story!
“She would have raped, killed, and zombified you.”
Please don't kill me for offering criticism. Meep.Amazingly cool avatar by Mauve Shirt. May she ever be promoted and not demoted! *promotes*
Books are a mind-altering substance. Therefore, I am high all the time.
My old avatars. Thanks, y'all!
Some poetry I've written. Constructive criticism warmly welcomed.
-
2009-10-05, 11:40 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Jul 2009
Re: Crack Pairings II - Brain Bleach not Supplied
EDIT: Oooh, and like everyone afraid of criticism, I'm not a native english speaker, I don't play D&D (I wish), I have never written anything before, and I am not Darth Tyrannousaurus Rex, Evil Dinosaur Ruler of the galaxy. There, that should cover everything people can come to think about complaining of.
First time for me writing in anything else than a comic thread, methinks, but this seemed too fun not to try. I present to you, Miko/Soon Kim, in the afterlife:
Spoiler
Soon Kim sat at a stone beside the Lake Where The Fishes Take The Bait For Once, bottle in hand. He’d been waiting for years, ****ing YEARS to at last get at that goblin, guarding the gate, doing the whole good natured paladin stuff. With the luck he got after that, he was seriously considering applying for the Chaotic Neutral afterlife. Miko… what a bitch. Well, **** her. **** all of that paladin ****, thank you very much. He didn’t need any of them now.
“Yah know, my ole friend… ‘Tis just me and you know.” In the mind of the paladin, the bottle nodded and laughed like Dorukan used to… good ol’ Dorukan. He was a decent chap, wasn’t he? If he could just have had his hands off Lirien for one second, he might have been prepared enough to destroy that Bearer of the Crimson Mantle and his lich buddy once and for all. Come to think of it, Dorukan was an idiot.
Spitting into the water, Soon took a deep swig from the Bottle of Extremely Intoxicating but Hangover-Free Wine. Afterlife was quite OK. Why had he bothered with protecting the Rift and staying away from this place if Miko was just to come and muck things up? The Tavern of Infinite One-Night Stands was nice, too. Suddenly, tears swelled in the old paladin’s eyes at the memory of his wife.
“Miko, you hag…” he whispered softly to himself.
“What was that?” A purring voice from behind made Soon jump to his feet, draw his katana and turn around, in the blink of an eye. The old muscles were ready once again for battle…
“Whoa, no need for that. I just wanted to see how you were, my Lord.” Miko’s dark eyes twinkled with the ghost of a smile, as she sat down on a stone next to Soon.
“How did you sneak up on me? You’re wearing platemail, for the sake of the Twelve Gods! And what are you doing here? Your ruined everything… EVERYTHING!” he roared, just for his eyes to fill with tears once again. Sitting down, sheathing his sword, he whispered:
“I’m sorry, Miko Miyazaki. I did not intend to scream at you. You did what you thought was right.”
Gazing wistfully into the water, the old paladin sighed as he felt something rough wind around his wrists. It took a while before he realised he was being bound.
“What are you doing? You’re insane!” Turning around, he saw the obsidian eyes of the ex-paladin, filled with nothing but guilt, sadness, but maybe a tinge of… playfulness? No. This was Miko.
“To begin with, M’lord, you’re full of yourself. Secondly, to answer your question, we’re incorporeal. Thirdly, your anger makes me happy. It shows that you yet have some passion in you; something that I intend to use to its full extent. Lastly, I have eight ranks in Use Rope, so there’s no use trying to wriggle free. Let’s see what we can do about curing those paladin blues, shall we not?”
Resisting for a few seconds, Soon Kim soon relaxed and allowed the seductive ex-paladin to push him into the sweet, soft grass of the Afterlife. After a few seconds, before being completely swept away, he thought:
“This is SO much better than the Tavern they have here…”
Last edited by Tatterdemalion; 2009-10-05 at 11:50 AM.
-
2009-10-05, 11:47 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Jul 2009
- Location
- Near St Andews, Scotland.
- Gender
Re: Crack Pairings II - Brain Bleach not Supplied
Amazingly cool avatar by Mauve Shirt. May she ever be promoted and not demoted! *promotes*
Books are a mind-altering substance. Therefore, I am high all the time.
My old avatars. Thanks, y'all!
Some poetry I've written. Constructive criticism warmly welcomed.
-
2009-10-05, 11:49 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Jul 2009
Re: Crack Pairings II - Brain Bleach not Supplied
Thanks, I'll fix the spelling: )
-
2009-10-05, 12:46 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Feb 2009
- Location
- A nice, sparkly place.
- Gender
Re: Crack Pairings II - Brain Bleach not Supplied
I rolled up "Yor". Now who the heck is "Yor"?
-
2009-10-05, 12:48 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Mar 2009
- Location
- Gothenburg, Sweden
- Gender
Re: Crack Pairings II - Brain Bleach not Supplied
Google is yor friend.
Avatar by CoffeeIncluded
Oooh, and that's a bad miss.
“Don't exercise your freedom of speech until you have exercised your freedom of thought.”
― Tim Fargo
-
2009-10-05, 12:49 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Feb 2009
- Location
- A nice, sparkly place.
- Gender
Re: Crack Pairings II - Brain Bleach not Supplied
-
2009-10-05, 01:02 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Sep 2009
- Location
- Where the dragons are
- Gender
Re: Crack Pairings II - Brain Bleach not Supplied
....I just know i'm gonna end up regretting writing this.
Spoiler
Haley woke up from her peaceful sleep.
The first thing she observed was that she felt different somehow.
The second thing was that she was no longer where she had been when she fell asleep.
The third thing was her noticing that the reason for her feeling different was that someone had put a Belt Of Genderchanging on He...Him.
The fourth and last thing the now male Haley noticed was that there was a big gods be damned black DRAGON standing right in front of her with hunger in it's eyes.
[Insert squicky rape scene that would get me banned if i wrote it here]
*Dunks head in acid*
-
2009-10-05, 01:57 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- May 2009
- Gender
Re: Crack Pairings II - Brain Bleach not Supplied
Poor Haley.
Water-Smurf: very good update, though I can't wrap my mind around Redcloak x Vaarsuvius (coming from someone who writes Miko x Vaarsuvius ). Also, I know my intellect doesn't hold a candle to V's, but I have no idea how she concluded "people kill goblins for XP" from what Redcloak told her.
There were also a few typos and mistakes:
Redcloak’s eye was one narrow fleck of gold and his claws dug deep into the necromancer’s flesh, staining the pale skin scarlet.You’re nothing but a tiny bundle of flesh and bone who couldn’t even take down a single soldier in hand-to-hand combat.Redcloak tensed noticeably, scales flashing in the dim light from the Snarl.
Tatterdemalion, nice story too, I liked Soon's complaints about everyone, though Miko seemed pretty out of character to me. (I know, pot calling the kettle black. )
I'd never have guessed my story would inspire such a beautiful picture. I love your picture about Saeyan's story too!Formerly known as Discord here and Maladin on avatarspirit.net.
-
2009-10-05, 02:03 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Feb 2009
- Location
- A nice, sparkly place.
- Gender
Re: Crack Pairings II - Brain Bleach not Supplied
Oooooo! I just rolled a weird one. I am naughty, naughty, NAUGHTY!!
Testing your guys' sanity to the extreme and beyond. I think another caution is in order here.
Spoiler"Everything is fine, the baby is developing nicely."
"Thank you, any idea when the baby will be coming along."
"Soon. It's impossible to test this sort of thing."
"Alright then. Thank you cleric."
Some rustling in the other room makes them turn their heads. Daigo had his back to them and was rumaging through some crates.
"Is he ok?"
"Ya, Daigo's still looking through all the stuff Kabuto had on his ship. He says that he's trying to find more reason to hate him."
"Ah, okay then. Take care of yourself Kazumi." Cleric leaves.
"Daigo! Will you please stop going through that all the time, you know that Kabuto's dead."
"But dear! You know what he did to us. I just want to see what else he had."
"Well if you won't stop then atleast bring the crate over here. I want to see sometimes too."
Daigo picks up the crate and brings it over.
"I can't wait for the kid to come along and you could walk again."
"Are you regretting that little bit of happiness we had to forget the fall of Azure city?!"
"No, not at all! It's just... never mind."
"What?"
"Well... I just miss being able to see you walk that certain way, you know."
"Awwww. That's sweet. Well, maybe we can get some special time right now to make up for it." She spreads her arms and legs wide. "I'll even let you tie me up."
Daigo looks into the crate and begins to smile. "Alright then, don't move. Let me get the rope."
**********
Daigo finishes the last knot. Kazumi is spread eagle on her back with her hands and feet tied to the ends of the bed. Her clothes were thrown aside and Daigo was staring at her. His eyes kept glancing at the bulge in her stomach.
"Are you ready Daigo?"
"Almost... Let me just check something first." He goes back to the crate.
"You know Daigo. The whole point of tying me up is to do naughty things to me!"
"I know, I know." Says Daigo, reading a slip of paper. "I just think I have found something of Kabuto's that will make things even more naughty."
"Your going to use something of Kabuto's?!"
"Yes. And there are several stages. First is this." He picks up a wierd metalic sphere with wierd magic writing over it.
"What is that?"
"Well, apparently, Kabuto liked to have special time with his wife when she was pregnant too, but couldn't get over her being a hippopotamus with a gland problem."
"ARE YOU SAYING I LOOK FAT?!"
"N-no! Of course not! It's just the baby! Anyways, what this thing does is it teleports the baby inside of it, which is a stasis area, so he can do it with his wife. And when they were done, it would teleport the baby back in unharmed."
"That's disgusting! Although it would be nice to have my original size back momentarily."
"So you want me to do it?"
"*Sigh* Sure, if you think it's safe."
"Well, it says that nothing happened to the kid. He's only dead because Kabuto was afraid that he'd succeed him too soon and had him assassinated."
"That totally sounds like Kabuto. Well, ok, go for it." The ropes strain as Kazumi tenses.
Diago puts the device ontop of Kazumi's stomach. At once, the device starts to cackle blue electricity between it and Kazumi's stomach. Then, almost immediatly, Kazumi's stomach reduces back to what it once was and the magic words glow red.
"Did, it hurt at all?"
"No. Wow. It feels nice to not have the strain on my stomach. So you ready to do this?"
"Not quite." He puts the contraption gently onto the nightstand and goes back to the crate.
"Oh Come On, Daigo!! Are we going to do this thing or not?!"
"Here we are!" Daigo removes two things from the crate.
"What are those?" But all Daigo does is remove his clothing. "Are you just going to keep me in suspense?"
"Well, let's just say that Kabuto had a weird mind." And he picks up one of the items. Kazumi could then see that it was a belt.
"Why would a belt be weird?" But her question was answered as Daigo put on the belt. At once, his image changed to resemble a female. "D-Daigo?!"
"Well, I'm curious on how it feels on this end." Says Daigo in a higher pitched voice.
"What do you mean, 'this end'?" Daigo picks up the other item, and reveals it was another of the belts. "Wait! Daigo! Are you going to do what I think you're going to do?!?!"
"Of course, dear. And this will be interesting."
"NO! Stop! Daigo, no!" She twists at her bondings, but they don't budge. She watches, helpless, as the female form of Daigo wraps the belt around her bare waist and straps it together. She instantly feels the belt become extremely tight and her form change. She looks down at herself in horror. "DAIGO!!" Her voice sounded much deeper.
Daigo then crawled over on top of Kazumi...
*****************
Extra-caution!!
Spoiler
In the gloom of the candle light, the pair are still, breathing deeply.
"I... never thought it hurts that much." Chokes out the high-pitched voice of Daigo.
"Nor, how pleasurable it is on this end..."
"Ya... So, do you want to get your child back?"
"Untie me first."
Daigo goes and unties the knots. Kazumi rubs the sore spots on her arms and legs.
"We better hurry. The device only lasts for several hours before it needs to recharge."
"Alright, then."
They both reach for their belts. After some struggling, they realize it won't come off.
"What! This can't be!"
"Daigo! I though you knew how these worked!"
"Hang on!" Picks up the instructions and reads it. "How could I have missed that part!"
"What?!"
"It says that it need a cleric's spell to remove it! Kabuto had a bunch at his disposal, so they were able to do it immeditaly!"
"But... What about our child!?!"
"Well..." reading further. "the words will turn purple when there are 10 minutes left to the spell. Then if the baby is not returned before that..." And at that moment, the words turn purple.
"Don't finish. When will the device be usable again?"
"Uh... it has a recharge time of 24 hours."
"Then that's how long you have to remain a woman until the Cleric comes back tomorrow."
"What do you mean, Kazumi?"
Kazumi rushes forward and successfully pins Diago to the ground. Then takes the device and starts to move it to Diago's stomach.
"NO! Stop! Kazumi, no!"
"Sorry, dear. But it's for our child's own GOOD!" And she puts the device on Daigo's stomach. The device crackles with blue lightning again and Daigo's stomach swells. Kazumi then lets Daigo up.
"Kazumi! What if the child comes while I'm like this!"
"Then you'll be the one to witness the miricle of childbirth. A fitting punishment for your stupid idea, right?!"
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
*Shudders* I feel sooooooooooooooooo wrong right now. Excuse me for a moment. I need to take a triple acid shower with extra strong brain bleaching shampoo. Toodles.Last edited by Silverraptor; 2009-10-05 at 09:36 PM.
-
2009-10-05, 02:16 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Mar 2009
Re: Crack Pairings II - Brain Bleach not Supplied
It's been a bit, GitP. If you're reading this, you're either digging through old stuff, or I've posted for the first time in forever.
If you want to stay in touch, reach out to me on twitter (same username).
The best answer is always to ask your DM.
Unless you're the DM, in which case you should talk to your players.
-
2009-10-05, 02:27 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Jul 2009
-
2009-10-05, 02:49 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Feb 2009
- Location
- A nice, sparkly place.
- Gender
Re: Crack Pairings II - Brain Bleach not Supplied
I was laughing the entire time I was writing it. I initially intended to stop at the gender-swap, but then I realized 'Wait! Those things don't come off do they? *Idea*'
*Writes last portion, looks at results, realizes what he writes, spoiler's the last bit, goes to take triple acid shower with extra strong brain bleaching shampoo*
Speaking of which, I need to do it again! *Goes off to take another triple acid shower with extra strong brain bleaching shampoo*
-
2009-10-05, 02:58 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Aug 2009
- Location
- On the Internets
- Gender
-
2009-10-05, 03:13 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Jul 2009
Re: Crack Pairings II - Brain Bleach not Supplied
Windstriker and Celia! Silverraptor, yours is probably one of the most original I've seen yet, and I've prowled this thread for ages. Nice :)
SpoilerAs a legal counsel for Thor, Celia was just finishing her final statement. But Odin was the judge, jury and (in a few cases) executioner, so this should be OK... shouldn't it? God, but the Celestial Realms' laws were easy to twist. The long history made for many precedents, and Celia had studied hard. As a lawyer for a god, this could be her big break-through.
"And so, Thor had in fact, no idea that the druid was in the woods at the moment, as no earlier notice had been issued. In a case 23520 years ago, the judge decided that trees, in fact, were in war with a cleric of Thor, and by extension, the Norse Pantheon. As, despite the many requests for peace from Odin, the trees have never answered, there is still a state of war between trees and the Gods of the Norse Pantheon, and the death of "the fried elf", as Mr. Rodriguez here likes to call the victim;" she was interrupted by a cry of "A spoooooky fried elf!" from the other side of the courtroom; "was entirely an accident of warfare, a unfortunate civilian death in the course of battle. Thor's Lightning was the cause of the death, but it's aim was the weak link, not the intentions of the defendant."
Celia took a step back and sat in her seat. Thor was talking to a cherub on his side, apparently unaware of the situation. "We have verified the cause of your queasiness as a certain Durkon Thundershield, sir. He claims he did not know that his partner was a cleric of Loki, and we're trying to verify the information as of now..." Celia tuned out the conversation, and thought for a bit, casually studying the beasts, gods, and incorporeals populating the courtroom.
Oh, but she missed Roy. She missed having someone hold her with powerful arms, she missed someone's breath beside her at night. She missed his smile, she missed his eyes. If only she could go back to him and live with him... but he had to destroy that awful lich, and she had to finish school before any plans of the future could be set in motion. Maybe she could find a replacement, just for the short months it would take to finish school. But she couldn't think about things like that now! Mr. Jones was making his final statement, apparently backed by a giant boot that spoke with the voice of Mr. Rodriguez. As the lawyers finished, Celia, Mr. Jones, Mr. Rodriguez and the accusant, a bear companion of the deceased druid, looked expectantly at Odin.
Zzzzz....
After nudges from several cherubim, The Lord of the Norse Pantheon awoke, to spoke:
"Huh? Yeah. Whatever. Go ahead." After a whispering conversation with his head cherubim, he seemed to momentarily clear his head and spoke again.
"Good job Thor, never could stand those druids anyway. Cheerio!" Odin lay down in his seat again. Seemingly forgotten, Celia decided to go out and clear her mind for a bit.
Just outside the court, there were green pastures where the animals of the Celestial Realms grazed. As Celia laid down beside a few horses, mounts of paladins from the blue reins, her thoughts returned to Roy. The roguish smile he could have, the happy laugh... the fury of his love. As the horses ran away to play, one stayed, and sidled closer to the daydreaming sylph. Looking up, her eyes connected with a white horse, intelligence gleaming in the dark eyes. What do you long for? they seemed to be asking. "The fury of his love", Celia thought jokingly, and then in her mind, changing the statement. "The fury of love."
"Oh, you could never understand..." speaking both to herself and to the muscular stallion, Celia looked down into the ground and pulled a strand of grass from her hair. I could.
Celia looked up. Could the animal really understand her? Could she understand it? Mostly for fun, partly serious, she stood up, and looking around, she whispered into the animals ear, smiling nervously. Once again, the penetrating, black eyes gazed into hers... I'd be more than happy to oblige. Celia took the reins of the aroused stallion, and smiling intently, led it towards a nearby copse of trees.Last edited by Tatterdemalion; 2009-10-05 at 03:20 PM.
-
2009-10-05, 03:18 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Aug 2009
- Location
- Among the spiders
- Gender
Re: Crack Pairings II - Brain Bleach not Supplied
Thanks for pointing that stuff out, guys! *scurries off to fix them*
And by the way, Biblio, you don't need to be nervous about pointing stuff out. I write because I love it and I want to get better. Seeing that someone pays enough attention to think about stuff like that gives me warm fuzzies.
Ah, the wonders of breaking minds. The issue is that I'm actually starting to ship this. Damn vivid imagination! Stop pairing random people up together!
I figure that it's common knowledge that goblins are treated this way. Heck, V treats them this way. When faced with a bitter minority group, you tend to get a little more aware of the mistreatment they face. (Well, at least that's how it is with me.)
Well, you've made my day. Thank you.
Could anyone here who is good with art make a V/R avatar for me, please? I'm horrible at drawing, otherwise I would have tried to do it myself.
(Wow, this is a huge post... Now off to read all the stuff that I missed! *scurries*)Last edited by Water-Smurf; 2009-10-05 at 03:19 PM.
Spoiler
The April Squickies Award for Best Crack Pairing Story
Thank you so much to Kaytara for the avatar! It's of Redcloak's and Vaarsuvius's love child.
-
2009-10-05, 03:21 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Feb 2009
- Location
- A nice, sparkly place.
- Gender
Re: Crack Pairings II - Brain Bleach not Supplied
-
2009-10-05, 05:50 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Oct 2009
- Location
- New York
- Gender
Re: Crack Pairings II - Brain Bleach not Supplied
Wait, you really think mine is that good?
Silverraptor's story: ...*Claws eyes out*
Okay, let's see what I rolled this time around...
Sara GreenhiltXSoon (I've got a FANTASTIC idea for this)
BelkarXInkyrius, Adultery (Oh, this is gonna be FUN)
So after I have dinner and finish my math homework, I'm going to do two crack pairings at once! YAAAAY!!!!
-
2009-10-05, 05:54 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- May 2007
- Location
- U.K
Re: Crack Pairings II - Brain Bleach not Supplied
Ahaha! Finally, I have something to post again! I can't believe I didn't think of this pairing before
Spoiler
Haley scowled and took another swig from the bottle, which contained only the finest apple juice* if any of the adults happened to ask, and decided that this was easily the worst annual picnic that the Thieves' Guild had ever had. All of the small children and apprentices had been ruthlessly Organised into playing demeaning party games (Haley was far too sophisticated and mature for such things, and also had been banned from them for life for what she had done to one of the judges with a sand-filled sap three years previously), the adults were sitting around having conversations that she wasn’t allowed to join in, and annoyingly, it didn’t even look like Greysky City was going to live up to its meteorological reputation and rain them out.
* Technically not a lie: it had certainly started out that way, and nothing had actually been added to it over the fifteen-month fermentation process...
'Haley. Nice dress. Very... black. Matches your hair. Suits you.'
Ah. One of the central tenets of life in Greysky City: whenever you think any situation cannot possibly get any more boring, embarrassing or irritating, along comes your Dad's annoying apprentice, just to show you you're wrong.
Just look at him. Ew. Halflings were slightly creepy at the best of times, with their weird proportions, adult faces on too-small bodies and horrible fashion sense, but Hank just had to kick it up a notch by wearing a revolting little soul-patch (Haley was pretty sure halflings weren't even supposed to be able to grow facial hair!) that looked exactly like a dead gerbil stuck to his bottom lip, and following Haley around like some sort of undersized lost puppy. She glared across at him (she was seated on a picnic blanket and he was standing up: their heads were still on roughly the same level, and how gross was that?) in what she hoped was a suitably regal and mysterious manner.
'Hank. For the last time. The name. Is Dark. Mistress. SHADOWGALE!'
'A thousand apologies, beautiful lady.' Hank flopped down on the rug beside her and reached for a handful of smoky-BBQ-hydra-flavoured crisps, cheerfully oblivious to the fact that Haley was attempting to spontaneously combust him using only the powers of her mind (plus the large amount of beaten-silver occult jewellery she was wearing).
'Any chance we could kiss and make up this little tiff before we disturb the harmony of this lovely company picnic, Dark Mistress?'
Haley fiddled with her eyebrow ring and scowled. 'Hank, seriously. You've asked me out I don't even know how many times since you started working for my Dad, and --'
'Fifteen. Sixteen, if you count the time with the rain barrel as two, 'cause I don't think you heard me the first time what with being underwater and all.'
'Fine. Sixteen times, and I've said 'no' on each and every one of those occasions. Why, exactly, do you think I would agree to kiss you here and now, at my father's company picnic?'
Hank considered this. 'Because otherwise, I'll tell your Dad what you’ve actually got in that bottle of apple juice?’
Haley threw her head back and laughed. 'Hah! You do know that he bought it for me, in the hopes that it’d keep me quiet so I wouldn’t try to interfere in the kids’ egg-and-shiv races like last year? Nice try, short-stuff. '
'Oh, Mistress,' Hank looked up at her, lip quivering slightly above the dead gerbil. 'A joke about my height? Never before have I heard such cruelty from anyone in Greysky City. And so painfully original, too...' he trailed off mock-sadly, blinking up at her through watery blue-green eyes.
'Short and a terrible over-actor' she told him firmly, taking another draw at the bottle and refusing to share it with him when he held out a hand to ask for a sip.
'Hmm. OK, how about because you're secretly wildly attracted to shorter men, as indicated by your pathetic harping on my height as a form of denial, and you just need to find the right halfling to help you get over your terrible prejudices?'
Despite Haley’s best efforts, a smile briefly darted across her face. 'Sorry, guess again.'
Hank grinned evilly. 'OK, final reasons. Because a) this picnic is the most boring thing since flumphs were taken out of the monster manual, b) if I have to play one more party game that involves using a deadly weapon for an amusing novelty purpose I’m going to end up sticking it in my own eye, and c) if the two of us get caught drunk off our faces on apple cider and making out somewhere nice and semi-public by someone sufficiently high up in the Guild, your Dad will never bring either of us along ever again'.
The next thing Hank knew, he was on his feet and racing across the picnic ground, following the long black hair and swishy black skirt as his very own Dark Mistress led him to a private (but not too private) clump of trees.
Last edited by esmerelder; 2009-10-05 at 10:03 PM.
Many thanks, blue silk handkerchiefs, and small inarticulate hedgehog noises to Funky Goose for the sig banner!
Even more thanks to half-halfling for the adorable avatar, which is from this comic!
-
2009-10-05, 06:09 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Oct 2009
- Location
- New York
- Gender
Re: Crack Pairings II - Brain Bleach not Supplied
...
..........
.....................
*Spits out water*
BWAHAHA! I love it! You're an amazing writer, Esmerelder!Last edited by CoffeeIncluded; 2009-10-05 at 06:10 PM.
-
2009-10-05, 06:17 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Sep 2008
-
2009-10-05, 06:48 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Jan 2008
Re: Crack Pairings II - Brain Bleach not Supplied
This thread is called Crack Pairings because you're all on crack, isn't it?
I use black for sarcasm.
Call me Rose, or The Rose Dragon. Rose Dragon is someone else entirely.
If you need me for something, please PM me about it. I am having difficulty keeping track of all my obligations.
-
2009-10-05, 06:52 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Sep 2009
- Gender
-
2009-10-05, 07:55 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Feb 2009
- Location
- Alaska
- Gender
Re: Crack Pairings II - Brain Bleach not Supplied
...MY BRAIN!!! IT'S OOZING OUT OF MY EARS!!! ARRRRRGGGGHHH!!! *plugs up ears and, just to be safe, nose*
Excuse me. I need to go take a quadruple acid shower with MEGA EXTRA STRONG brain bleach.
Silverraptor, that was A++ 5 star cracking. I also thank you for your extra-caution spoiler. You are extremely naughty.
-
2009-10-05, 08:11 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- May 2007
- Location
- U.K
Re: Crack Pairings II - Brain Bleach not Supplied
@ CoffeeIncluded -- Hooray! My very first spit-take! Thank you I have become a little disturbed by how much of my crackfic seems to involve halflings behaving inappropriately -- you expect that sort of behaviour from Belkar, but Hank and Serini both seem to have got thoroughly in on the act...
ETA @ Silverraptor -- Right, that's me scarred for life. I hope you're pleased with yourself, sirLast edited by esmerelder; 2009-10-05 at 08:13 PM.
Many thanks, blue silk handkerchiefs, and small inarticulate hedgehog noises to Funky Goose for the sig banner!
Even more thanks to half-halfling for the adorable avatar, which is from this comic!
-
2009-10-05, 08:44 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Oct 2009
- Location
- New York
- Gender
Re: Crack Pairings II - Brain Bleach not Supplied
... HEY! You told me this was sugar!
...Anywho, unfortunately, I don't know how I can work in the frills-and-lace into HaleyxRoy's Sword. So, I'll put it into the Sara GreenhiltxSoon Kim pairing instead, and do them both at once. NOW. YAY!
Spoiler
It was late. Really late. Not that one could tell, given that they were in hidden catacombs under the ruins of Azure City, but Haley could tell regardless. She was going to hit the sack soon. But first...
"Niu, listen to me. I need you to get anyone who's taken levels in Rogue, or is thinking about taking levels in Rogue, and get them here tomorrow morning."
"Okay Haley, but how come?"
Haley sighed. "...Because the only way we can survive nowadays is to be sneaky and underhanded. The time for being all Lawful and Paladin-y is over. We've got to have people--lots of people--to be able to sneak around. And for that we need rogues. I can teach you guys; at least I can show you the basics."
"Okay. This room after breakfast tomorrow morning. Got it." Niu turned to leave, but not without asking, "What are you going to do tonight?"
"I'm going to get some rest; I really need it..." She trailed off for a moment, looking at Roy's corpse in the cart. "...And maybe I should clean off his sword. The last thing I want is for it to get rusty."
"Okay then. Good night Haley." Niu left.
Haley watched her go for a moment, then took Roy's sword and snuck back into her own room. She slid down against the wall, trying not to cry.
Haley was barely holding on here. She could barely take care of herself, much less an entire resistance group under the noses of a totalitarian regime full of goblins who would flay them alive given the chance! Roy was the natural leader here, not her! And with the other two groups fighting all the time...These guys were naturally Lawful; shouldn't it be even more obvious to them that all this infighting would just hurt everyone even more?!
The stress was really getting to Haley; for one thing her hair was starting to fall out. "Great, at this rate I'll be grey by 30. Or bald." Haley chuckled to herself sardonically. She sighed again, "...I miss everyone."
The only one here she really knew was Belkar, and he was a sociopathic whackjob! Not to mention that Hinjo decided to play the idiot card and didn't remove his Mark of Justice, making him drastically less useful in combat. ...And everyone else, the rest of the Order, they were all either missing or dead...Durkon would be able to get them out of so much trouble, and Haley appreciated his calm way of viewing things. Roy's body was moldering in the cart outside; all she could hope was that he was having fun in Celestia. Vaarsuvius...Haley couldn't understand why her friend hadn't contacted them yet. Maybe V was just too busy. She hoped that was all...And then there was Elan. Sweet, kind, beautiful Elan, with soft skin and softer lips...
Haley shook herself back into reality. No good thinking about that, no good getting herself even more distracted and upset. Best to not think about Elan's warm arms around her body, his tongue sliding over hers, his delicate fingers tracing a pattern up and down her spine...
...
...Well, crap.
As if the stress of being forced into a leadership position and directing a resistance force of about 200 under the noses of EXTREMELY HOSTILE enemies wasn't enough, now her hormones were acting up again, screaming to be let out right now.
Haley glanced over at Roy's sword, lying right in front of her. Unfortunately part of her mind decided to take advantage of her addled state.
What?! NO! I am NOT doing THAT!
Of course, now that Haley brought the idea up to her conscious mind, her psyche began to form a mutiny. She became more and more tempted by the idea--Or rather, her libido was aiming a magic flaming poisoned arrow at her head. Haley felt a furtive, half nervous guilty desire. The last time she had really felt like this was when she paid a friend in the Thieves' Guild for some pictures she secretly took of Matt Silver showering; that was about nine or ten years ago. Haley sighed again. She had to get rid of this stress, and she had to get rid of it now. She glanced over her shoulder, even though she knew she was the only one in the room. She picked up Roy's sword and swallowed. No going back now...
===
Roy was looking down through the clouds, thanks to the Epic-Level scrying spell. He wished he could go down and comfort Haley; tell her that he was alright and everyone else was alive and okay, that V was trying to contact her and that she was more capable than she knew...
Then he saw Haley pick up his sword.
"Wait--Gah, Haley! WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE--GAAAHHHH!!!!!" Roy stood there in shock for a moment before running back up the mountain (Taking a shortcut along the way), too horrified to speak. He sprinted straight to his mom's house and pounded against the door, hoping that there was a potion or something that would remove that image from his brain.
Except that the door was locked. Roy snuck to the back and pounded on the window, hoping that his mom would let him in. "Mom! MOM! You gotta let me in, I really need to find something that will wipe...My...Brain....................." His voice trailed off into mute horror as he stood dumbstruck for the second time in as many hours.
His mom was wearing some lacy, frilly, pink-and-white undergarment that left absolutely nothing to the imagination. Lying in front of her, completely naked, was a man who appeared horrifyingly similar to Shojo, except many years younger.
"See, Soon? Don't worry; my son will get resurrected any day now. And they will take back Azure City for you!"
"Yes, but..."
"And I heard some paladins survived the battle. Look, you've talked to them all, haven't you?"
"I know, I did...But I was...We were so close..."
"Well, Kim sweetie, there's nothing you can do about it now. Why don't we have some fun? We're all lawful here, and they wouldn't let this happen if it weren't okay."
Soon Kim relaxed and smiled. "Okay, I guess. I have been missing this quite a bit, in any case." He couldn't help but grin as Sara Greenhilt did a seductive dance in that frill-and-lace bikini, right in front of him...
Roy just stood there, unable to move anything except his eyelid, which twitched slightly. He made a pathetic whimpering sound for a few seconds, after which he ran in the other direction screaming as loud as he could.
An elven wizard, a human cleric, and one of the Azure City paladins who had teamed up at the "Dungeon of Monsters That Are Just Strong Enough To Really Challenge You" stopped their battle against a bunch of ogres for a moment to confirm what they had just supposedly witnessed.
"...So we all agree that we all saw a bald, dark-skinned fighter with blue armor ran past here screaming at the top of his lungs, trying to claw his eyes out with his bare hands?"
The cleric and the paladin nodded in assent.
"...And we all agree that we then saw him grab the nearest Mind Flayer, fall to his knees, and beg him to 'For the love of the gods, PLEASE LIQUIFY MY HIPPOCAMPUS!!!', correct?"
The cleric nodded, "That's what I saw."
The paladin said in assent, "Crazy as it seems, I think that's what happened."
The elven wizard stared off at nothing for a moment before muttering to herself, "Crazy sadomasochistic freaks."
....
...........
I think I just traumatized myself.....Last edited by CoffeeIncluded; 2009-10-05 at 09:35 PM.
-
2009-10-05, 09:30 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Feb 2009
- Location
- A nice, sparkly place.
- Gender
Re: Crack Pairings II - Brain Bleach not Supplied
-
2009-10-05, 09:38 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Oct 2009
- Location
- New York
- Gender
Re: Crack Pairings II - Brain Bleach not Supplied
Did you...Did you like my double dose of Crack Pairing?