Things I May No Longer Do while Playing IX: GNO GNOMES!

[GAAD]

* Transmute Rock to Mud just changes it to "Mud Falls, Everyone Drowns".

** I don't care that you don't need to breathe. Mud Falls, EVERYONE Drowns.

***May not point out that you can protect yourself from Holocaust Mud with a Holocaust Cloak.
****I am not the Dread Pirate Roberts and there will be PLENTY of survivors.

[Lvl 2 Expert]

*May not get people to start coming up with sequel thread titles 5 pages early.
**Crap.

[Rater202]

*May not get people to start coming up with sequel thread titles 5 pages early.
**Crap.

***May not suggest Mr. Welch is not the God of Banned Actions

[GorinichSerpant]

***May not suggest Mr. Welch is not the God of Banned Actions

****Nor is he the prime enemy of the Goshes of Heck.

[Madbox]

I'm playing catch up here, still working through Part 2: Stop Making the DM Cry, so sorry if this one has already been done:

*May not use Polymorph to open a plastic surgery clinic.

[Rater202]

*I may not take a Philosopher's Stone and a funnel to the War Hammer 40K galaxy and force feed the Emperor's technically living corpse enough Elixir of Life to keep him young, Strong, and Healthy for another 40K years.
**May not sit back and watch the fireworks when he wakes up pissed.
***Especially may not point out that between the Golden Throne and the Astromonicon, all of the psykers sacrificed in his name and/or feed to him must have increased his power by several orders of magnitude when accounting for his condition.

[Anonymouswizard]

* May no longer mention the words 'cannibal' and 'halfing' in the same sentence.
** They are not a threat if the PCs decide to leave the desert.
*** They cannot be more powerful than the psionic sandworms.
**** I am totally responsible for the TPK from the psionic halflings riding psionic sandworms.

[JAL_1138]

*The Philosopher's Stone may not be Albert Camus' pet rock.

[Anonymouswizard]

* Philosophers are not known as sorcerers in America.

[Madbox]

*The Philosopher's Stone may not be Albert Camus' pet rock.

*May not introduce existentialist, absurdist, or nihilist philosophers to campaigns. Either the players already know them, or they are unprepared and will grow too depressed to play anymore.

[Flemkopf]

*I am not allowed to run a system of steel and copper cables through various rooms in the so my wizard can electrocute anyone trying to invade.
**I am not to be surprised when the DM starts pulling out various equations describing power transmission theory, to point out that it wouldn't work as I expect.
***I am also not allowed to be mad if on of the opposing mages casts animate rope on the cables when they get to my lair and trap me using those same cables.
****May not create a Tucker's Kobolds labyrinth for the invaders instead, no matter how much soap, lantern oil, and wood our town can produce.

[Anonymouswizard]

* If my players gave a plan involving electricity, I may not ask for their intended current, voltage, the resistivity of their chosen medium, and so on.
** Cannot use this as justification for their plan to fail, even if I can show exactly why.
*** It is especially bad form to show that a) the voltage is high enough to reach them and B) the current is high enough to kill them.
**** Cannot follow this up by pointing out that 90% of their electronics have also suffered damage.
***** Most of all, the plan cannot fail because the villain stuck capacitors and inductors at various locations in the building not connected to a power supply just in case.

I'll be running either Legend of the Five Rings or a homebrew Sci-Fi setting later this year, if the players are smart they'll pick the second and exploit every advantage the system gives them (say, highly accurate lasers, a variety of cybernetic implants, or a mesh-network computer infrastructure). At which point I'll hardball by applying engineering principles to the bad guy's hideout.

* Cannot run a Sci-Fi setting with no psionics and no AGI.

[Rater202]

*I may not summon a heroic spirit just to shock people that make bad jokes.
**Especially if the game has nothing to do with the Nasuverse.
***Especially if I do it out of character.

[Madbox]

*Punsmith is not a valid class

**No, I may not have a bard with ranks in "Craft(Weap-pun)"

***Puns of any sort, including accidental ones ("My new character is a half orc cleric who worships Hathor") will result in my death. Not my character. Actual me.

*Yes, many musicians in real life do very well for themselves making angsty, depressing music. No, I may not play a depressing bard.

**I may not play a Battlerager named Leeroy.

***Playing a warlock who can speak lots of languages is fine. Being the party face and using charisma skills on everything is expected. Constantly trying to intimidate people when said warlock is a little girl is pushing it.

****I am to stop coming up with ideas for characters while I am drunk, writing them down, and actually making them when I am sober.

*I may not continuously pick up random junk to try to find uses for later. This is not Fallout 4.

[Talion]

*As a druid, I should not point out that we could literally walk into the woods and find a better bear pelt than the crummy ones the merchant is trying to pawn.
**I should not proceed to march into the woods, dragging the party with me.
***I should not give the apparently DIRE bear a heart attack with magic
****Blowing a horn to summon aid from a nature deity to protect us from said bear is just ludicrous.
*****Much more so if I ask for divine aid to clean up the bear when it dies and leaves a mess.
******Infinitely moreso if my GM rolls a 99 on divine intervention for me.
*******I wasn't supposed to become the chosen prophet of a forgotten god.
********Much less this early in the campaign.
**********Mocking my god and praising it should not be interchangeable for its favor.
***********Duel classing Cleric/Druid was not suppose to result in this much nonsense.

[Debatra]

* If, when playing an Illumian, the DM introduces an NPC that "glows with beauty" or similar; I may not challenge them to a "glow-off".

[goto124]

***Playing a warlock who can speak lots of languages is fine. Being the party face and using charisma skills on everything is expected. Constantly trying to intimidate people when said warlock is a little girl is pushing it.

* The blackguard cannot be a bratty little girl who wears diamond killer heels.
** The blackguard cannot be the niece of a paladin.
*** The paladin's family should not consist entirely of blackguards.

[DCraw]

* The blackguard cannot be a bratty little girl who wears diamond killer heels.
** The blackguard cannot be the niece of a paladin.
*** The paladin's family should not consist entirely of blackguards.

**** Said family should not consider the Paladin a disappointment.

[goto124]

***** The blackguard father should not be trying to change the paladin's mind and rope him into the 'family business'.
****** The paladin should not be trying to kill his blackguard father.
******* When asked 'isn't he your father?', the paladin should not cast Bugsby's Expressive Single Digit.

[Madbox]

*My rogue can be friends with someone who owns a shady bar and can get us information and access to the black market.
**The bar owner cannot be named Guy, and when asked how I got (insert suspicious thing here), I cannot just say "I know a Guy."
*The phrase "Kagebunshin no jutsu" is not the verbal component for Mirror Image.
**Casting Eldritch Blast does not involve the words "Spirit Gun"
***My warlock is not the protagonist of an anime.
****It is Misty Step, not Flash Step.

[DigoDragon]

***** The blackguard father should not be trying to 'convert' the paladin and rope him into the 'family business'.
****** The paladin should not be trying to kill his blackguard father.
******* When asked 'isn't he your father?', the paladin should not cast Bugsby's Expressive Single Digit.

Does that mean the paladin is the... blackguard sheep of the family?

[goto124]

** May not realize that my favorite characters are all black(guard) sheeps of their families.

[Spore]

* May not channel my frustration vs. a very merciful DM into inciting him to kill other players' PCs
** Doubly forbidden from exclaiming "Just kill your wife already."
*** It is frowned upon when the police shows up at your doorstep because your gaming night is taking place close to the worst parts of a major city
**** Explaining "Nono, I was talking about the roleplaying." gets you weird looks from the cops.

[Rater202]

**** Said family should not consider the Paladin a disappointment.

*****Likewise, it can not be a family tradition for fathers and sons on opposite sides of the Paladin/Blackguard divide to try and kill each other.

[JAL_1138]

*****Likewise, it can not be a family tradition for fathers and sons on opposite sides of the Paladin/Blackguard divide to try and kill each other.

******May not point out that this is starting to sound like the Star Wars universe.

[spineyrequiem]

* May no longer mention the words 'cannibal' and 'halfing' in the same sentence.

But... Cannibalistic chaos halflings are a mainstay of the Blood Bowl Stunty League!

[TheTeaMustFlow]

*No matter how good my stealth check is, singin With Catlike Tread while sneaking is going to muck it up.
**I am not to exhort smugglers to `Vary burglary with a little piracy`.
***I am not the very model of a Roguish Elven Gunslinger.
****Failing my performance check to inspire the troops does not translate to a rendition of When The Foeman Bears His Steel.
*****The verbal component of Remove Fear is not `Tarantara`.

[Anonymouswizard]

* Cannot derail the session into a discussion about elf biology and sex.
** Cannot use the amount of time the Phoenix King and Everqueen spend trying for a child to calculate the length an elven female spends in heat.
*** The discussion cannot then work it's own way into condoms, the cost thereof, cucumbers, STIs, couples who don't know how to make a child, and other related topics.
**** The cause of this discussion, orange hair dye, is now banned from out sessions.

[ElFi]

*Allow the plant-controller to have a venus flytrap fetish when helping to make his character sheet.
**Especially if his Sidekick is a sentient venus flytrap that's also his girlfriend.
***Double especially if his superpower-origin involves radioactive ooze and something similar to a flytrap orgy.
****Screw plant-controllers in general, actually.

*Forget how increasing Toughness saves works in M&M.
**Only have one of my four players possessing a maxed-out Toughness save acquired via legitimate means.
***Proceed to continue the pattern with NPC villains and allies.

[Lvl 2 Expert]

***I am not the very model of a Roguish Elven Gunslinger.

I am the very model of a Roguish Elven Gunslinger
I've got my sneaky boots on and a very twitchy gunfinger
I know the kings all hate it when I stop their fights historical
By killing all the warriors both quickly and methodical
I'm very well acquainted, too, with matters mathematical
I understand trajectories, the air drag is quadratical
I know the myth of Isis, Horus' mother and the sunbringer
I am the very model of a Roguish Elven Gunslinger

****I am limited to one musical interlude per session.