[DD Snark]Maltak: The Unsuckening

[Oracle_Hunter]

A branch from the infamous Snark Threads, we have been handed a challenge.

Ok, here's my request to you guys:

Make me a script for a reeinvisioning of the entire Maltak Arc, beginning with the Crone contacting Melna and ending with the dancing and the mountain and some sort of shadow.

I will then use that to do a Big Long Maltak Comic, in the faint hope that it will wash away part of the taint this arc has brought upon us. (I promise to use the experience i gain from this for good.)

PS: make it funny. Funny is what i signed up for when i started reading DD. (and quit for, when it was replaced with cheap drama.)

I'm making this both to organize things and to solicit input. Ultimately, Domochevsky decides what the final product looks like, but hopefully this'll make life easier for everyone involved.

NOTE: For length, Domo's talking about comics in this style:
Part 1
Part 2

So keep that in mind while pacing the Script Slay

* * *

Even though Domochevsky has them in his sig, here are links to the Unsuckenings thus far:
Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
Part 5
Part 6

[Domochevsky]

Oh snap... now it's on, isn't it. >_>

Bring it!

As said in the other thread, i have this faint clue that the Dominus and Luna won't be involved in this arc, since... yeah, they have no reason to be there. At all.

[Oracle_Hunter]

PART 1 - January 2009 (Material from here to here)

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(1)
Dominic & Luna are looking at the Crone's runes like here (Panel 7)
Luna: So what do they mean?
Dominic: I have no ideas. They're really obscure.

(2)
Luna: They look Orcish, maybe we should ask Melna?
Dominic: Why? She's not a Deegan.
Luna: I know, but she's right over there.

(3)
Melna glowering in a corner

(4)
Melna walks over, grabs the page
Melna: Where did you get this?
Dominic: Things were getting slow around here, so I had a Plot Vision (tm).
Melna: The Crone of Maltak showed me these runes last night in a dream. I need to go to fulfill my destiny.

(5)
Dominic's face like Panel 3 but far more grotesque.
Dominic: Did you say Destiny!?!

(6)
Melna: Yes, my destiny. I was apprenticed to the Crone as a youth - I know her ways. It has become time to save Maltak...
Luna: Ewwww

(7)
A dead horse drops on Luna

(8)
Melna looks pained

(9)
Melna: To rescue Maltak from a curse left over from the Stupid War.
Dominic: Don't you mean The War of Callanian Aggression?

(10)
Melna punches Dominic in the face

(11)
Dominic: What was that for?
Melna shrugs

(12)
Dominic: Well, it's short notice, but I'm sure I can be ready to leave in a moment.
Melna: Wait, why are you going?
Dominic: Why wouldn't I?
Melna: To start with...


(13)
Dominic looking extra frail
"One: You're a scrawny nerd"

(14)
Outrage Chief looking outraged
"Two: Orcs hate Callanians"

(15)
Melna ticking off numbers on one hand
Melna: And three - this is my destiny. Not everything is about you.

(16)
Whiny Dominic
Dominic: But Melna... this is my comic!

(17)
Melna punches Dominic in the face

(18)
Dominic: Owww.... well, at least take some other pawns... I mean people - along.

(19)
Glamor-shot of shirtless Donovan
"Orcs like my dad"

(20)
Spark hanging upside down from the top of the panel - Dominic & Melna look shocked
Spark: And bring me and Hansi! We're comedy gold!

(21)
Luna crawling out from underneath the dead horse
Luna: And me. I never get to do anything important.

(22)
Dominic tips the horse back on Luna. Luna lets out a squeak
Dominic: Not now, dear - grown-ups are talking.

(23)
Melna: Fine, I'll take your stupid cat and idiot father just to make you shut up. Hell, maybe Hansi will even be useful.

(24)
Dominic: Great! I'll just wait here until you all fail and ride to the rescue then.

(25)
Melna knees Dominic in the balls...

(26)
...and drop-kicks him through a window

(27)
Melna looks at the paper again
Melna: That felt good.
Luna: Say, what does that mean anyways?

(28)
Full page of the runes
"The Five Clans must become the First People and Dance as One in the shadow of the First Mountain"

(29)
Luna: What does that mean? It's soooo confusing!

(30)
Enraged Melna boots Luna backwards, causing her to trip over the dead horse, collapsing

(31)
Hansi reading over Melna's shoulder
Hansi: I dunno, it looks like a lady's naughty parts to me.
Melna looking irritated

Domo - is this the kind of format you're looking for?

Author's Commentary

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I plan on relegating Luna & Dominic to the margins, but not out of the comic entirely. Dominic will show up and constantly try to horn in on the plot (and will get abused by other characters) while Luna will stumble around saying stupid/Mookie-ish things, only to be punished (rather than rewarded) by the Forces of the Universe.

[Domochevsky]

Hmyeah, that looks pretty good.
I'll probably make a few adjustments here and there if it seems fitting but overall i can work with that.

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Incidentally, the first entry point of the horse is bothering me. It has to come from somewhere. Maybe it falls out of a dusty closet labeled "for later use" or something? Or maybe when she says it there's a crashing sound and the horse falls out of one of those "break when emergency" cases, possibly with Dominic or even Luna standing next to/under it with a hammer.

[Oracle_Hunter]

Hmyeah, that looks pretty good.
I'll probably make a few adjustments here and there if it seems fitting but overall i can work with that.

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Incidentally, the first entry point of the horse is bothering me. It has to come from somewhere. Maybe it falls out of a dusty closet labeled "for later use" or something? Or maybe when she says it there's a crashing sound and the horse falls out of one of those "break when emergency" cases, possibly with Dominic or even Luna standing next to/under it with a hammer.

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As I said, this is an example of the Universe punishing Luna. In the real Arc, it has done nothing but acted in her favor - giving her Sue-powers as needed. Now, it metes out punishment with a similar lack of justification.

It's symbolic, damnit!

[Schlega]

Hmyeah, that looks pretty good.
I'll probably make a few adjustments here and there if it seems fitting but overall i can work with that.

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Incidentally, the first entry point of the horse is bothering me. It has to come from somewhere. Maybe it falls out of a dusty closet labeled "for later use" or something? Or maybe when she says it there's a crashing sound and the horse falls out of one of those "break when emergency" cases, possibly with Dominic or even Luna standing next to/under it with a hammer.

I have a suggestion for that:

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Background of panel 1: A horse is standing in the path of an angry dwarf.
Background of panel 2: Horse is groinpunched, launching it into the air.
Background of panel 3: Dwarf walks away.

[Domochevsky]

I have a suggestion for that:

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Background of panel 1: A horse is standing in the path of an angry dwarf.
Background of panel 2: Horse is groinpunched, launching it into the air.
Background of panel 3: Dwarf walks away.

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Hum... i don't think it would be a good idea to already include him in the first three panels. You also can't groinpunch something that isn't humanoid. (He would have to do a uppercut from underneath the (still living) horse.)

Most importantly: Groinpunching only for those who deserve it. >_>

[uncool]

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Hum... i don't think it would be a good idea to already include him in the first three panels. You also can't groinpunch something that isn't humanoid. (He would have to do a uppercut from underneath the (still living) horse.)

Most importantly: Groinpunching only for those who deserve it. >_>

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Make it a dead horse, and have it come back to life. It's symbolic and shows how awesome he is. Just be careful to have it be him and not her bringing it back to life - maybe have the horse's owner shaking hands with him in the background afterwards?

=Uncool-

[Oracle_Hunter]

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Make it a dead horse, and have it come back to life. It's symbolic and shows how awesome he is. Just be careful to have it be him and not her bringing it back to life - maybe have the horse's owner shaking hands with him in the background afterwards?

=Uncool-

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I had planned for Jacob to reanimate the Dead Horse in Maltak

[uncool]

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I had planned for Jacob to reanimate the Dead Horse in Maltak

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Running gag? I mean, it just felt so right to have him reanimate it...

If so, put it as a running gag every time an overused meme gets used again. Groinpuncher, dead horse. Aardvark, dead horse. He-Dom, dead horse. Dead horse, dead horse. You get the idea.

=Uncool-

[Isabelle]

Are we actually rewriting Maltak or are we just doing a gigantic strip slay? Just curious. :P

[uncool]

Are we actually rewriting Maltak or are we just doing a gigantic strip slay? Just curious. :P

Both. At the same time. 'Cuz we're just that cool.
=Uncool-

[Domochevsky]

Valid question. Please keep the memes to a absolute minimum, guys. As background gags here and there they're ok if they fit, but let's focus on plot progression.

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That also means that there will be no groin punching, unless the Universe decides that this is a valid way to keep Dominic on the sideline. But remember: Stuff does not suddenly appear. Instead it gets redirected towards the main characters.
So for example if Groinpuncher should appear at some point to nut Dominic then some introductory background info like "Ah, Maltak. A good day and place for my spontaneous vacation!" from him right before that is in order.

[Isabelle]

Just for fun, can we pretend all the main characters don't suck?

[Domochevsky]

That depends on you people making the script.

[Oracle_Hunter]

Valid question. Please keep the memes to a absolute minimum, guys. As background gags here and there they're ok if they fit, but let's focus on plot progression.

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That also means that there will be no groin punching, unless the Universe decides that this is a valid way to keep Dominic on the sideline. But remember: Stuff does not suddenly appear. Instead it gets redirected towards the main characters.
So for example if Groinpuncher should appear at some point to nut Dominic then some introductory background info like "Ah, Maltak. A good day and place for my spontaneous vacation!" from him right before that is in order.

Ah, you want to keep the wackiness down to a minimum?

I'll keep that in mind for the next installment.

Actually: my first post - too wacky, insufficiently wacky, or Just Right?

EDIT:

Just for fun, can we pretend all the main characters don't suck?

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My current intention is make few of the characters suck.

Luna & Dom suck, for sure. But Melna is going to have some honest-to-god drama (mixed in with some comedic trauma), Hansi is going to be a Memetic Badass (and superb lov-ar), Spark will be zany - but all the Orcs will be played as good, dramatic characters.

I'm afraid I'll have to keep Pimp Jacob - it makes sense that all the Deegans seem somewhat unbalanced when viewed through the lens of realistic characters, no?

[Domochevsky]

Ah, you want to keep the wackiness down to a minimum?

I'll keep that in mind for the next installment.

Actually: my first post - too wacky, insufficiently wacky, or Just Right?

Your first post has just about the right amount of wackiness, id say. (Adjusting for the dead horse)

It is however free to become more and more nuts as the story progresses. (With Melna progressively getting into weirder sh*t.)

[ninja_penguin]

My request:

At some point if the Crone, or anybody is cooking, have Luna add Thyme to the mix, and have everybody be displeased with the result, complete with somebody muttering 'you added Thyme? Thyme changes everything'

[Morty]

Something must be done about the Orc War. Either a decent reason for it must be devised or the fact that Callanians attacked orcs pretty much because one of their high-ranking officers was a racist nutcase must be played for laughs.

[slayerx]

... or the fact that Callanians attacked orcs pretty much because one of their high-ranking officers was a racist nutcase must be played for laughs.

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*Warlord Mustache arrives for a diplomatic meeting with Outrage Chief*

Donovan: "Outrage chief, Warlord Mustache is here to negotiate peace between Callian and Maltak. Now your both xenophobic racists, so i'm sure you'll have plenty to talk about."
Warlord Mustache: "Hello"
Outrage chief: "hey"
...
...
Warlord Mustache: "Nice haircut."
Outrage Chief: "Nice Boots."
*they grimace at each other*

*And thus began the great Orc war*

[Domochevsky]

Alright, part 1 has been done and can now be found here.

[Gez]

Spark looks like a cat. For some reason, it makes him impossible to recognize.

[FoE]

Alright, part 1 has been done and can now be found here.

That was fantastic, everybody. I lol'd.

[Arakune]

That Luna is actually likeable?! What have you done?! improper interrogation marks and exclamation marks cortesy of the author we love to hate

The only random part on that was the horse coming from the closet. Maybe on the next comic we can make Luna asking Dominic why they keep a dead horse in the closet?

[Trazoi]

The only random part on that was the horse coming from the closet. Maybe on the next comic we can make Luna asking Dominic why they keep a dead horse in the closet?

You could, but then Luna and Dom would silently stare at it, and you shouldn't beat panel a dead horse.

[Tussy the Druid]

That was.... really good. I like how the snark remains prominent, but doesn't detract from the plot momentum itself. I look forward to reading this.

[ichini_sanshigo]

Alright, part 1 has been done and can now be found here.

Very nice!

I was going to post this, but it's really a more serious, dramatic take on Maltak. That was just a sketchy outline of the setup for the arc. Ultimately I wanted Dom and pals to be bystanders to the crucial events in the arc. And also for Dom to fall for Celesto's manipulation. But, yeah... not a lot of humor in this take,,, so, um.. nvm.

[Morty]

Alright, part 1 has been done and can now be found here.

That's neat. Dominic gets thrown through a window; what more could we want?

[Gez]

That's neat. Dominic gets thrown through a window; what more could we want?

A smelly, dirty dumpster under that window.

And the garbage truck at the corner of the street, coming in.

[Johnny Blade]

And then it turns out that Callan has been using Maltak as a garbage dump for years as Dominic is unloaded right behind the border.

Oh no!