Building a real life.

[Admiral Squish]

Hey, playground. Probably the wrong place to start for advice on this, but I might as well give it a shot.I've recently had something of an identity crisis. I realized I've spent most of my life trying to live someone else's. So, now I have a problem. I'm cutting back on the time I spend on D&D, internet, and all that, and trying to build myself a real life, in the real world, with real people doing real things. Only problem is, I really have no idea where to start. I'll be soliciting advice from a bunch of people around here, so even if you don't know or can't help, I'll probably be okay.

So, basically, I need all the help I can get to figure out what I'm supposed to do. A couple questions that will need answering:
-Where are some places I can go to meet people? I don't drink or smoke so cross anything with those involved off the list.
-What sort of hobbies could be reccomended for a guy who doesn't like sports?
-Girls: pretty much need to know everything here, I have ZERO experience. How does a date normally go? How do you tell if the girl is girlfriend material?
-Any other advice I haven't though of to ask for yet that you'd think would be helpful would be greatly appreciated.

[The Rose Dragon]

- Take classes on various hobbies. Painting, music, dancing, all sorts of stuff.
- Play RPGs. They're a great hobby to get social.
- A date doesn't go "normally" ever. Try going DVD hunting, though. That's always fun (and helps you learn the other person's tastes a bit).
- Just try talking with people (which will include a lot of listening, so be prepared). You'd be amazed how things change if you just talk randomly. You won't be BFF with every single person you talk to, but you'll have some good friends and numerous friendly acquaintances.

[Thanatos 51-50]

So, basically, I need all the help I can get to figure out what I'm supposed to do. A couple questions that will need answering:
-Where are some places I can go to meet people? I don't drink or smoke so cross anything with those involved off the list.
-What sort of hobbies could be reccomended for a guy who doesn't like sports?
-Girls: pretty much need to know everything here, I have ZERO experience. How does a date normally go? How do you tell if the girl is girlfriend material?
-Any other advice I haven't though of to ask for yet that you'd think would be helpful would be greatly appreciated.

Because I'm pretty tired, you get outlined 'answers'. Extrapolation later, if someone else didn't beat me to the punch and is a great deal more useful.

1> Bars. But, since we're barring that (No pun intended), go out to parties, festivals, what-have-yous. Work and school have always served as great "Starting points" for branching out your social circle for me. If you have room-mates, they're pretty great people to know.

2> D&D, Video Games, Internets...
In all seriousness - what catches your fancy? Wanted to try something ever? Have at it!

3> Your mind has zero experiance, your body (meaning instincts and evolutionary traits) know exactly what's going on. Be yourself, be natural. You can figure everything out on your own easily. Women aren't as big a mystery as we all think they are. Most women are just like any nother human being you'll meet.

4> Um... cheesecake is delicious? Cooking is a good skill to practice?
Beware the Ides of June?

[Canadian]

Talk to the most popular person you know. Ask them to introduce you to the most popular person they know. Then ask them to do the same. Ask the most popular person to take you shopping. Let them pick out clothes for you, get your hair cut, new shoes etc.

Once you look good just start talking to people all the time. If you're not into sports join the gun club. Get a cool car and drive fast everywhere. Start drinking. Get confident and act like a bit of a jerk. Next thing you know the world will come to you.

All girls are girlfriend material. Try em' all. See if they fit.

The outer changes cause the inner changes. The inner changes make you happy. Why do you think those makeover shows work so well? They key is fashion, "cool" hobbies, and running your mouth 24/7.

[Totally Guy]

I'm going to try speed dating next month. If I don't find true love at least I'll know loads more people.

I did the cool car thing back in October which worked out quite well. It is a buyer's market for the meantime.

I had a girlfriend at the start of the year and I managed that by talking to friends about girls they knew to set me up with. But! I didn't allow wait for it to happen. I approached the girl on facebook and told her I suspected there was matchmaking going on and that i'd be happy to meet her.

Edit: I'm sure I mentioned in one of these current threads a questionable hobby I was going to try...

[Canadian]

You don't even have to buy a cool car. When I say "get" a cool car I mean just that. Get one. You can borrow one, rent one, or through some other arrangement get your hands on one. As long as you're driving it who cares who owns it?

If you drive a cool car, do cool stuff, dress cool, and act cool the party will come to you. Like I said it's outside changes first. The inside changes follow right along.

[Berserk Monk]

Hey, playground. Probably the wrong place to start for advice on this, but I might as well give it a shot.I've recently had something of an identity crisis. I realized I've spent most of my life trying to live someone else's. So, now I have a problem. I'm cutting back on the time I spend on D&D, internet, and all that, and trying to build myself a real life, in the real world, with real people doing real things. Only problem is, I really have no idea where to start. I'll be soliciting advice from a bunch of people around here, so even if you don't know or can't help, I'll probably be okay.

So, basically, I need all the help I can get to figure out what I'm supposed to do. A couple questions that will need answering:
-Where are some places I can go to meet people? I don't drink or smoke so cross anything with those involved off the list.
-What sort of hobbies could be reccomended for a guy who doesn't like sports?
-Girls: pretty much need to know everything here, I have ZERO experience. How does a date normally go? How do you tell if the girl is girlfriend material?
-Any other advice I haven't though of to ask for yet that you'd think would be helpful would be greatly appreciated.

Well, I would just take up some hobbies. Doesn't matter what really. Even if you don't know much about it, that'll give you a chance to ask questions to people and get to know them better. The obvious way to do this is take classes outside of school, or join a club in school.

[Narmoth]

Larping.
Okay, not the best way to be less geeky, but you meet (and get to hit with padded sticks) a lot of very nice people

[xPANCAKEx]

don't drink or smoke

Neither do i - but doesn't mean you can't hang out with friends at a bar or a club. Just drink soft drinks and don't flinch when it comes to buying people a drink in return. Infact i have a whole bunch of friends who abstain from booze/drugs/smokes and are all raging party animals

not into sports

are we talking competative sports, or should we just scrub the idea of anything with physical activity involved?

physical activity releases endorphans = good times.

dates/girls/girlfriend material

the RWaA thread is always at your disposal, or drop any of the regulars a PM if you want to keep things off the open airwaves. But as a side point, every date will be different - so its best to keep your expectations down to simply 'just have fun'.

the issue of what makes girlfriend material boils down you who you are as a person. As a rough guide you should a) get along b) enjoy their company c) be excited by them. The detail of that i can leave up to you. Just don't ever date someone to 'have' someone though. Just don't.

general advice

you might have to take your self out of comfort zone at times to experiance what the world is like. You might enjoy some things. you might hate others. But until you try, you'll never know

[Hazkali]

On the "not drinking" front (if you are under the legal age in your area, this is not a solicitation to break the law, but please bear in mind my advice for the future): moderate consumption of alcohol is a normal adult activity, and has a lot of social repercussions that go with it. Unless you don't drink for a prescribed health reason or for moral beliefs, then I would advise you to give it a go for the following reasons:

1) Your choice of favourite beverage, as well as the ability to choose good examples, will give you respect among the groups of people for which that beverage is associated. For example, a good taste in wine is necessary for moving about the upper classes, whereas a taste in good beer will help you more for the traditional working class.

2) Alcohol is a nervous system depressant- it suppresses a lot of social anxiety. I don't mean this as a recommendation to use it as a crutch in social situations (that way lies alcoholism) but to be aware that a moderate amount will relax social inhibitions, making it naturally easier to be open and chatty.

3) Alcohol and its consumption, for better or for worse, is part-and-parcel of all western ritual. From Christenings to funerals, people use it as an excuse to alter their mental state. It's a wise move to become acquainted with how people behave (and how you behave) with alcohol.

4) It's fun. Being in a mildly intoxicated state is a pleasant change to the normal state that we live in.

So, whilst I appreciate that your reason for not drinking may run fairly deeply, if its simply a case of "Alcohol is yucky/expensive/other reason" then I would encourage you to challenge your perceptions.

[valadil]

If you're in college, I highly recommend joining clubs. I did a lot of that freshman year and by sophomore year I stopped going because I met enough people that I didn't have time for clubs anymore. And this is coming from someone who would break out in a nervous sweat for even thinking of talking to girls in high school. If you really wanna get more social, joining up a with a theater troupe (even as a lowly stage hand) is great. You'll get invited to a lot of parties that way and no you don't have to drink at parties.

[Starshade]

Roleplaying D&D can be teaching real life skills, and in any case its a bit more creative a past time than many other activities you could choose to try.
Roleplaying or Larping isnt the worst activity, honestly, ive not known a single roleplayer in RL without social competence and "real life" skills, with a life, able to get a GF, etc.

When it come to sport, that is hard to sugest. We are all different, we got different taste, athletic skills etc.
Myself? Ive been a semi couch potato playing games, but i started to train capoeira.
It really didnt feel at all natural at first, didnt even manage to do a pushup when i started (,never have before, to be honest, as far i know).
If you want to try a sport, try find one you like. Where you live probably influence your options a bit, but its amazing how much progress you can do. Ive realized, i will suceed doing things i never dreamed possible 1-2 years ago someday, and i get to meet a lot of interesting people too.

[Don Julio Anejo]

1. Meeting people:

Bars suck for meeting people unless you randomly sit at the bar (at the actual bar, not the table) and talk to strangers around you and more often than not you'll look funny if you sit at a bar for an hour drinking coke. Nightclubs suck even more for meeting people unless 1. you're good looking, 2. you're confident, 3. you know how to behave in clubs and 4. you're looking to meet a girl.

Instead... Well, clubs (especially ones with outgoing people like theatre) are awesome for it. Just don't pick the physics club or something unless you want to sit and do physics for 3 hours... Also, volunteer work. Again, something fairly social like the YMCA or a summer camp. Or, although don't know how it works where you are, but here I went to volunteer at a hospital to pad my med school application and I can't even begin to describe the amount of cool people that I've met.

Also, why don't you drink? If it's something religious or philosophical, we'll understand. If it's something like "I've seen drunk people and they're idiots," then, well, it's our job to get you to drink. The trick here is not to get hammered, otherwise you're good. In small amounts alcohol is actually a STIMULANT (yeah, 90% of media is wrong about it due to propaganda reasons). Small amounts means 1-2 beers for an average male. Basically, when you're buzzed it's good. Just don't keep drinking past that because after a certain point all you want to do is keep drinking.

Oh, and it's really fun. But in any case, just because you can't drink doesn't mean you can't hang out with people who do. Hanging out with smoking friends may be a bit more annoying but seriously, you're not going to get cancer from second hand smoke for 40 minutes one night a week.

2. Hobbies:

Dunno.. photography? Join a club for something and see if you like it. Even if you didn't, well, you already met some people. Also, when you say you don't like sports, do you mean team sports or any physical activity? Because a buddy of mine organized a dodgeball thing at my university, and well, it's the weirdest thing ever but at the same time surprisingly fun. Even if I suck at throwing balls and badly.

[Bonecrusher Doc]

Once you get out of school it gets really tough to meet people unless you're into the bar scene, which I'm not. So you pretty much have to join groups to socialize. Here's a list of things that either my siblings or I have done which helped us meet friends, gain real-world experience, have fun/enjoy a hobby, and get to know potential girlfriends/boyfriends.

Martial Arts lessons
Irish dancing (ok, that was my sister)
Junior Chamber of Commerce ("Jaycees")
Habitat for Humanity
Christian Appalachian Project
Society for Creative Anachronism
Church or community musical groups
Roadrunners (Running clubs)

I might be able to think of some more later.

[MrEdwardNigma]

There's just a lot of stuff to reply to in this thread...

So, basically, I need all the help I can get to figure out what I'm supposed to do. A couple questions that will need answering:
-Where are some places I can go to meet people? I don't drink or smoke so cross anything with those involved off the list.

"With those involved"... Does that mean you'll refuse to go anywhere near them, or simply that you'll refuse to actually drink or smoke? I don't think there are any activities that really require you to do either (except for some of the extremer frat boy stuff). If you won't go anywhere near them though, you're crossing all the best places off of your list. Bars, parties, fraternities (I have no idea in what age category you are), even going bowling usually involves alcohol. In general, I think alcohol and cigarettes are an unavoidable phenomenon.

-What sort of hobbies could be reccomended for a guy who doesn't like sports?

Again, you're crossing some of the best stuff off the list here. You're left with stuff that you seem to be wanting to move away from (D&D is a social activity, but it's on the list of stuff you want to cut down on...). What other hobbies can we suggest? Acting, for instance, would be good. Or you could practise playing an instrument, start a band. Anyways, sports aren't actually too bad an idea. They're healthy and a good place for bonding.

-Girls: pretty much need to know everything here, I have ZERO experience. How does a date normally go? How do you tell if the girl is girlfriend material?

"Girlfriend material" is a very subjective term. Basically it depends on what you are looking for. You just need to find someone you like, and hopefully they'll like you back. As for how a date normally goes, just try to be yourself. Don't try to act "cool". That doesn't mean you should try coming off as a total geek, but being anyone but yourself is just a bad idea. Eventually you'll show your true colours, and it'll just attract people who are interested in this person you're pretending to be, not you. Plus, having to pretend to be someone else will just stress you out more. All of that goes for making friends as well.

- A date doesn't go "normally" ever. Try going DVD hunting, though. That's always fun (and helps you learn the other person's tastes a bit).

DVD hunting is considered a date now? This is news to me.

3> Your mind has zero experiance, your body (meaning instincts and evolutionary traits) know exactly what's going on. Be yourself, be natural. You can figure everything out on your own easily.

Really? I don't think that's true for everyone. The world would be a much easier place if it were, but I don't think everyone is all that confident and smooth in social situations.

Once you look good just start talking to people all the time. If you're not into sports join the gun club. Get a cool car and drive fast everywhere. Start drinking. Get confident and act like a bit of a jerk. Next thing you know the world will come to you.

Get a cool car and cool clothes and people will like you? I'm not sure if that's good advice. It's not true for most people anyways. The acting like a jerk (don't overdo it) does tend to be true, but it's something I'm trying to root out. Also, Admiral Squish was pretty clear about his position on drinking, and it is hardly required to make friends.

All girls are girlfriend material. Try em' all. See if they fit.

Do you mean that it really doesn't matter which girl you're dating? That seems a bit... cold to me.

Anyways, the best way to meet people is often just to walk up to them in everyday situations and start talking to them. Something I did in my first year at university was just to go sit next to people I didn't know in class and talk to them. I didn't know anyone when I arrived at university and at the end of the week I knew forty people. If you don't get new friends this way, at least you'll get some practise on the old social skills.

[Stormthorn]

Dont do what i do.

Seeing as i have no life.

Just dont be me and you should already be improving.

[Innis Cabal]

Hey, playground. Probably the wrong place to start for advice on this, but I might as well give it a shot.I've recently had something of an identity crisis. I realized I've spent most of my life trying to live someone else's. So, now I have a problem. I'm cutting back on the time I spend on D&D, internet, and all that, and trying to build myself a real life, in the real world, with real people doing real things. Only problem is, I really have no idea where to start. I'll be soliciting advice from a bunch of people around here, so even if you don't know or can't help, I'll probably be okay.

So, basically, I need all the help I can get to figure out what I'm supposed to do. A couple questions that will need answering:
-Where are some places I can go to meet people? I don't drink or smoke so cross anything with those involved off the list.
-What sort of hobbies could be reccomended for a guy who doesn't like sports?
-Girls: pretty much need to know everything here, I have ZERO experience. How does a date normally go? How do you tell if the girl is girlfriend material?
-Any other advice I haven't though of to ask for yet that you'd think would be helpful would be greatly appreciated.

You make it sound like your not living. Are you undead? Or perhaps some form of energy?

Your living life. If your not happy with it change things one at a time. Be yourself and do what you like to do. You'll meet people if you just look in your community.

[Totally Guy]

Don't let anybody change who you are or you'll end up right back at the start with the identity crisis.

Of course that doesn't mean you can justify endless lonely evening indoors by defining yourself as that person.

Discover what it is you enjoy doing with other and try to find as many people that share that interest with you as you can. And be honest about what you want with people. If you are looking for specifically for something you will find more of it.

[Thanatos 51-50]

Really? I don't think that's true for everyone. The world would be a much easier place if it were, but I don't think everyone is all that confident and smooth in social situations.

Really? Humans are social creatures. I figured that somewhere in our inherited instincts there was at least a Charisma score of 10.
I'm wrong, I guess. That's not an uncommon phenomenon.

[MrEdwardNigma]

Really? Humans are social creatures. I figured that somewhere in our inherited instincts there was at least a Charisma score of 10.
I'm wrong, I guess. That's not an uncommon phenomenon.

My total lack of instincts of any kind tell me you're indeed wrong. But I'll admit your point of view makes sense.

[Pyrian]

Humans are social creatures. I figured that somewhere in our inherited instincts there was at least a Charisma score of 10.

No, no. It's at least a charisma score of 3. ...By definition, of course, since a D&D stat of 3 is literally defined as the natural human minima.

[Erloas]

So, whilst I appreciate that your reason for not drinking may run fairly deeply, if its simply a case of "Alcohol is yucky/expensive/other reason" then I would encourage you to challenge your perceptions.

I would have to disagree with most of what you said. I know quite a few people that don't drink, they might have something once or twice a year if something is offered to them.

I spent some time going to places where people drink, with friends exclusively and never on my own. Even with friends I don't like going to any of those sorts of places and never enjoyed being at any of them. Its not bad if you have something to drink and you are at someone's house, but any place you go out to drink I would rather not be at.

I'm sure I'm not the only one, but alcohol does almost nothing to me in terms of making me more social. If anything it makes me less social, and that is a hard task. It gives me a headache after only a few drinks of just about anything and thats all I ever get out of it. I've been everywhere between a few drinks and not really able to stand up and I've never seen the appeal to it, it was never fun, it never made me more outgoing. (My cousin would get mad because I could take shots better then him and he drank all the time and I almost never did)

The only people I've ran into that make anything of what people like to drink are people that like to drink a fair amount. I've never seen it as a way to relate to people outside of a situation where you are already drinking with them.

As for loosening inhibitions, thats as much just people wanting to act like that as anything else. Sure some people change a fair amount, but a lot of people start "acting" like they are drunk as soon as they get into the situation where its acceptable even if they've had very little to drink. There is a "cultural type" (not really sure how to say what I'm trying to say here) to people that drink a fair amount that simply does not appeal to other people.


I used to go to places with smoking and drinking to "hand out" with people and to be more social and the conclusion I came to was that I was much happier with life by avoiding those sorts of places, even if it meant not being very social. Even if I go to them and don't drink, I get no enjoyment from those places or being with any of the people that are there, except for the small group I went with when it was just as likely we would have at least as much fun doing anything else with those same people.



One mistake the OP seems to be making is that you don't have to change what you like to be more social. You just have to find people that like the same things as you do. I have meet and became friends with a lot more people playing Warhammer, 40k, and Battletech then I have through jobs and school. The people I did become friends with in school and through work were all people that liked to do the same sorts of things, like gaming. You don't have to give up gaming to be more social, although you might have to find more social games. Find gaming groups where people get together to play games rather then just at home.

There is the misconception in the USA (and probably a lot of the rest of the world) that unless you are being "social" and going out and doing things with large groups of people then you aren't having fun. From what I've seen though, most of the people that are only moderately social and don't go out a lot are generally much more content with life and happier all around then those that are always going out and are the "really social" people.

[Micate]

So, basically, I need all the help I can get to figure out what I'm supposed to do. A couple questions that will need answering:
-Where are some places I can go to meet people? I don't drink or smoke so cross anything with those involved off the list.
-What sort of hobbies could be reccomended for a guy who doesn't like sports?
-Girls: pretty much need to know everything here, I have ZERO experience. How does a date normally go? How do you tell if the girl is girlfriend material?
-Any other advice I haven't though of to ask for yet that you'd think would be helpful would be greatly appreciated.

Sounds like me, only I don't have a problem with drinking and got used to being around cigarettes during high school (Senior year your allowed to go off campus for food, which pretty much meant the one Mexican restaurant within walking distance, which seemed to attract smokers like a magnet).

What I'm doing? Pretty much what was suggested. I'm starting with working out more (although with almost crippling social anxiety, I'm mostly just working out at home), and when I feel better about myself (and when my family is done living in my apartment) I'm going to find a bar I'm comfortable with, have a few drinks at the bar (vs tables) and try talking to people.
The other thing I'm doing is keeping my ear to the ground, seeing if any events/etc are happening in my area and if I'm interested, attending.

And failing that, I'm really not to happy with my job right now, so I may be going back to school where finding people won't be a problem.

[Don Julio Anejo]

A minor comment: the reason it's better if you're at least OK with drinking beers is that the easiest way to become friends with a person is to ask them: "Hey, [name], would you like to go and grab a few beers with me [time]?"

It helps if you know a decent bar you like close by.

Seriously, about 75% of men and 50-60% of women will go along with it. With women it helps to add "Nope, I'm not hitting on you despite sending mixed messages, I just want to be friends." This sends a very mixed message that makes sure you're not hitting on her but is at the same time mixed enough to leave room for improvement..

Surprisingly people prefer going for coffee than for beers. No idea why..

[Kaelaroth]

Try a beginner's dance/acting thing. It'll be physical, but not so much that you'll be totally out of your depth, and everyone there will be as awful as you might be, what with it being "beginner's". Plus, you'll meet lots of new people - and if you don't like it, it's not so huge a commitment?
This next one's only definite for UKers (it most likely exists everywhere elsewhere, but I don't know for sure): join a fun-hiking group. Similar to dance: lots of people, physical, but not super-taxing. Plus, pretty scenery?!

[Pyrian]

Surprisingly people prefer going for coffee than for beers. No idea why..

I've found that it's usually much easier to have a conversation in a coffee shop than in a bar or club.

[Icewalker]

I'll just reiterate the idea that the things you are talking about trying to cut down on should become the hobbies you're looking for, at least slightly: things like dnd make fine assorted activities.

[Don Julio Anejo]

I'll just reiterate the idea that the things you are talking about trying to cut down on should become the hobbies you're looking for, at least slightly: things like dnd make fine assorted activities.

DnD may be fun if you're into that but it's not a good way to meet people, especially if you're looking for different people. I mean the whole point of DnD is to hang out with the same group of people for a long time at a preset time, and chances are at least half of those people will be your friends to begin with.

[Faulty]

The best way to meet people you'll get along with is to do very specific things which will land you with people with similar opinions and likes. Join a book club related to your favorite genre of literature. Go to political demonstrations related to your political opinions. If you're religious, join a church/temple/mosque/gurdwara/etc group. If you're, say, a vegetarian, find vegetarian cooking classes.

If you're looking to get into something new, I suggest dance classes. Seriously.

[Canadian]

Get a cool car and cool clothes and people will like you? I'm not sure if that's good advice. It's not true for most people anyways.

Do you mean that it really doesn't matter which girl you're dating? That seems a bit... cold to me.

It is true that people who look cool and do cool stuff are more popular. Open your eyes. That's how the world works. It's far easier to attract people to you than go chasing after them.

All girls are girlfriend material. There's someone for everyone in this world. I don't any girl is undateable.