Relationship Woes and Advice, Trip to Baator

[snoopy13a]

A guy in one of my classes asked me to a movie with him over Facebook and I said I didn't know what I was doing today but that I might. So now I know I'm not really doing anything (except homework), but I don't really want to go...I don't know the guy very well and I don't know whether it's a date or what. I don't know that I'm comfortable with it at least until I know him better. He said he'd call. So....what should I say?

Passive rejection. Keep on saying that you are busy until he gets the hint and stops calling. That's the tried and true method.

[Thatguyoverther]

Passive rejection. Keep on saying that you are busy until he gets the hint and stops calling. That's the tried and true method.

Naw, if your going to do it that way you should say you're busy then wait until he asks you when you're in a crowded area. Once he asks you, stand on the nearest chair/raised platform and say. "Excuse me! I have an announcement to make! If I may have you're attention please! This man has just asked me out on a date!" Make sure to point him out to the crowd. "I said no!"

That way you not only abuse his feelings you instill a deep seated fear of rejection, permanently crippling him socially.

[xPANCAKEx]

Passive rejection. Keep on saying that you are busy until he gets the hint and stops calling. That's the tried and true method.

its also a bit spineless - nothing wrong with shooting someone down. If Hes not interesting you now, then its unlikely he will in future. And if he does in future, then just ask and see if their offer off a date is still open

[Gwyn chan 'r Gwyll]

Through personal experience, I prefer it when they don't toe around the problem when the answer is 'no'. It's much easier for everyone.

[snoopy13a]

its also a bit spineless - nothing wrong with shooting someone down. If Hes not interesting you now, then its unlikely he will in future. And if he does in future, then just ask and see if their offer off a date is still open

Out of curiousity, if you get a phone number from a girl but later decide you don't want to date her do you:

1) Don't bother calling her
2) Call her and say that you aren't interested in them

Most guys pick #1. Passive rejection by a girl is very similiar to #1. They don't have to shoot someone down in the same way we don't have to bother calling if we aren't interested.

[xPANCAKEx]

I'd have to disagree with your assertion of similarity - the only similarity being in both scenarios, the guys made the effort. You can't complain about "passive rejection" when you've not made any effort yourself. Giving someone your number is not a socially binding contract for them to call you, despite what some people misguidedly believe.

Not giving a straight answer is really not anywhere at all in the same ballpark as not receiving a phone call. If you want to run with that metaphor the ball is a different shape and you're definately playing a different sport

thats how it sits in my mind at least - although im sure some would argue differently

[Serpentine]

A guy in one of my classes asked me to a movie with him over Facebook and I said I didn't know what I was doing today but that I might. So now I know I'm not really doing anything (except homework), but I don't really want to go...I don't know the guy very well and I don't know whether it's a date or what. I don't know that I'm comfortable with it at least until I know him better. He said he'd call. So....what should I say?

My suggestion: make the "date" (or whatever it is - sounds like that's his intention, to me) on your terms. Making it with a bunch of friends, like Pancake suggested, is one viable possibility. Just make sure it's something you'd enjoy, in an environment you're comfortable with - if nothing else, it'll make it much more pleasant for both of you I do think making it a group activity could help quite a lot, though it could also confuse the poor boy.
It looks as though you have pretty legitimate reasons to not want to meet him now. In that case, unless you flat-out do not want to try this fellow, tell him so: "Look, right now isn't great, what with homework and the death of family members and the like. Howabout we do [movie or whatever] on [day a week or so away]?" If you feel so inclined, you could also add a "I'm pretty sure [trusted friend] will be available then. You don't mind if she comes, do you?"
One last possibility: Flat-out tell him most of what you've told us here. "Hey... Am I right that you meant that as a date? I'm not very comfortable dating people I don't really know. Could we just hang out normally for a couple of weeks, to get to know each other a bit better?" If you're at uni (I thought you were still at school, but someone hinted otherwise...), this is even better: "Hey, am I right that you meant that as a date? [<- optional] How about we just meet up for lunch at [university cafe] on [suitable day], for starters?"

And don't worry: I don't think it could be much more awkward than a couple of my first dates.

[skywalker]

Checking back in to thank everyone who responded with moral support. It really means a lot and I'm feeling much better about the situation now.

I find it funny that DeeRee is on the exact opposite side of a similar situation indeed. This girl isn't comfortable hooking up with people she isn't dating (in a relationship with), and isn't quite ready to be "in a relationship" with me just yet. I of course didn't know those things, and I'm ok with that.

And Serp, I'm pretty sure the rider of dragons just started Uni.

Thanks again everybody!

[Dallas-Dakota]

DD, can you dance? I can't, but have recently discovered the wild world of blues dancing. Holy crap those girls dance dirty. I love it. You don't really have to do much of anything either, its great! That might be something to get you meeting some available ladies!

I only know-eth that one Folk pinky-dance. I have no idea what it's called. >.>

[Dragonrider]

I find it funny that DeeRee is on the exact opposite side of a similar situation indeed. This girl isn't comfortable hooking up with people she isn't dating (in a relationship with), and isn't quite ready to be "in a relationship" with me just yet. I of course didn't know those things, and I'm ok with that.

Yeah...that's probably about right. I just don't feel like dating at the moment. And definitely not someone who's not a friend first.

(I realize this will probably cue the usual "friend box" discussion. And my answer is the same old thing: while there are some guys with whom I am 'just friends', I'm not disinterested in a relationship with them because they're my friends, but for other reasons. The fact remains, I would rather be friends with someone FIRST.)

And Serp, I'm pretty sure the rider of dragons just started Uni.

The walker of sky has it right.

[Coidzor]

Ahh coy, coy, deary deary dear.

[Dallas-Dakota]

Obviously one of your locations is false and Skywalker asked Dragona out.

[Dragonrider]

Ahh coy, coy, deary deary dear.

What's coy?

[Coidzor]

I think you're going to deny having ever been asked out again after this despite having admitted previously that a friend of yours once asked you out and then shortly thereafter was no longer your friend ever again.

In any event, you certainly have had a lot of stuff happening recently.

[Jalor]

Mention of the friend zone reminded me of something. I didn't believe in it until the topic came up recently around my female friends. Not one of them would date a guy they were friends with already, even if they would date an identical stranger. Weird, but some people juggle geese.

Passive rejection. Keep on saying that you are busy until he gets the hint and stops calling. That's the tried and true method.

For the record, if anyone in this topic follows this advice or otherwise rejects someone without telling them, they will lose any respect of mine they had. I've already been through why I'm so emotional about it, although the restraining order expired.

[DrakebloodIV]

For the record, if anyone in this topic follows this advice or otherwise rejects someone without telling them, they will lose any respect of mine they had. I've already been through why I'm so emotional about it, although the restraining order expired.

Seconded, fully. I knew a girl awhile back who I was friends with. She had a longtime boyfriend at the time, but acted alternately flirtatious and cold. I asked her out several times and she said no in that fashion, until I offered to acquire a certain illicit substance made of a flower. Long story short she used me for the flower, admitted to having no feelings for me, and boned me in the bum when legal (and parental, I was a highschooler at the time) trouble came. So if you want to be an unrelenting manipulative bitch, use the passive rejection method ignore someone rather than being an honest and decent human being. After having completed said task if you post it on this forum, be aware that I will come to your house and personally punch you in the face.

[/rant]

[Dragonrider]

I think you're going to deny having ever been asked out again after this despite having admitted previously that a friend of yours once asked you out and then shortly thereafter was no longer your friend ever again.

You've lost me. Clearly, I HAVE now been asked out. And I have previously had confessions of "liking" which resulted in awkwardness, yes. But I remain in the dark as to what specifically you're referring to....

[Coidzor]

^: Awhile back you posted something saying you'd never even been asked out before. Which just struck me as odd given as I had a distinct recollection of you describing some nerdy friend of yours who asked you out awkwardly and who you had to drop.

Mention of the friend zone reminded me of something. I didn't believe in it until the topic came up recently around my female friends. Not one of them would date a guy they were friends with already, even if they would date an identical stranger. Weird, but some people juggle geese.

mmm, I had some female friends like that. Then they decided that I had a thing for one, some, or all of them and are no longer my friends. I'm pretty sure this was at least partially facilitated by their "gay friend" who was one of my roommates at the time, as I found out that he was badmouthing the hell out of me to them shortly before they decided to go bat**** insane.

[Dragonrider]

^: Awhile back you posted something saying you'd never even been asked out before. Which just struck me as odd given as I had a distinct recollection of you describing some nerdy friend of yours who asked you out awkwardly and who you had to drop.

Wasn't me.

[Coidzor]

Hmm, my apologies then. I was sure that was you though. 'Twas quite consternating.

[Pyrian]

One tiny little piece of the hell of dating: Some women (as described by Jalor) will only date non-friends. Some women (Dragonrider, and some I've known personally) will only date friends. Without knowing which category a given person falls into, you can essentially blow your chances right out of the gate and never know why.

[Coidzor]

Well, to be fair, right now, Deary's more like, not going to date anyone.

But yes, women are selecting in opposite directions. I'm trying to remember what that's called, again.

[Dallas-Dakota]

One tiny little piece of the hell of dating: Some women (as described by Jalor) will only date non-friends. Some women (Dragonrider, and some I've known personally) will only date friends. Without knowing which category a given person falls into, you can essentially blow your chances right out of the gate and never know why.

Ehhh, sounds really encouraging, Pyrian.

[Coidzor]

Ehhh, sounds really encouraging, Pyrian.

Well, it's either try or die.

[Dallas-Dakota]

Well, it's either try or die. ignore your feelings and procede to build a frienship.

>.>
<,<

[Jalor]

One tiny little piece of the hell of dating: Some women (as described by Jalor) will only date non-friends. Some women (Dragonrider, and some I've known personally) will only date friends. Without knowing which category a given person falls into, you can essentially blow your chances right out of the gate and never know why.

Is there any way at all to tell? A tricky question of some kind, like the ones I've devised to tell if a girl is taken?

Totally unrelated, I figure I should start being 100% transparent and mention my failures here as well, since I seem to be a regular advice-giver. Might serve to motivate me and improve my "game". Anyway, during a break at Friday's football game (I play in the marching band), this girl from the other school approaches me and is clearly interested, asking about the band, my school, etc. Ten minutes later, it strikes me that I never got her name, much less her frakking phone number. I'm rather bemused that I got the attention of a girl who could have had any guy there, and then forgot to ask her name. Fail snail.

[Pyrian]

Ehhh, sounds really encouraging, Pyrian.

Heheh, sorry, I hate dating, and only do it because I like being in a relationship and occasionally it's a step in the right direction. The odds are terrible and I'm far too introverted to actually enjoy trying to converse with near-strangers. Doesn't mean it's not worth the effort, though.

EDIT:

Is there any way at all to tell? A tricky question of some kind, like the ones I've devised to tell if a girl is taken?

So many of the girls I've been interested in have been in the friends-first category that I don't actually worry about it much and generally just assume they want to get to know me better. I figure there's probably some reason, some definable correlation, but I couldn't say for sure what it is. If I had to guess, though, I'd say it's related directly to both the introversion/extroversion and/or thrill seeking/thrill avoidance personality traits. An introverted person who avoids risks is highly likely to prefer to date well-known friends, while an extroverted person who's excited by danger is highly likely to prefer to date enemies strangers.

I'm rather bemused that I got the attention of a girl who could have had any guy there, and then forgot to ask her name. Fail snail.

Oh, geez, I've done that a few times. Just this year I started making a point of trying to learn (and remember) at least the names of the various people I talk to.

[Dallas-Dakota]

Is there any way at all to tell? A tricky question of some kind, like the ones I've devised to tell if a girl is taken?

Share with us, Jalor, god of advice and subtle FireFly references!

[Coidzor]

>.>
<,<

See, you're no Rincewind, because you'd know not to look back while you were running away.

[Jalor]

Share with us, Jalor, god of advice and subtle FireFly references!

My old standby that I've used since 6th grade (lawl middle school) requires a friend as co-conspirator, preferrably a good actor. First, locate your intended target. Walk in her general direction and pretend to argue with your friend about whether it's a good idea to call your girlfriend every day. When you are within conversational range, say "Why not ask someone and settle it now? How about her?" and indicate the girl. (minor nitpick: wave your hand, don't point.) Ask her "Hey, [name], we need you to settle something. Do you like for your boyfriend to call you every night?" or something along those lines. Stay in character no matter the answer. Every time I've used it, the taken girls answer the question and refer to a specific person while doing so. The ones who are not taken answer with "I don't have a boyfriend, but if I did...". The latter opens up the door for more flirting. "Really? I'd have thought you were spoken for..." and similarly shameless exchanges.

If you don't have a clever enough wingman, there's the less reliable way. You need to suspect someone of being her boyfriend, and refer to them in conversation in such a way as to imply they are a couple. Tough to explain, but things like "Will I be seeing you and Steve at the..." or the like. I'm okay at it and know someone who's excellent at it, but it's tricky. Your goal is to provoke them passively into "We're not dating or anything, but I'll be there" or similar.