Relationship Woes and Advice, Trip to Baator

[arguskos]

Hmm, 1. how long have you two been together and 2. can you get her parents on your side to get her to at least find out what her options are rather than bottling it all up and internalizing it and such?

Assuming this goes to me, 25 months. As for her parents, S has utterly refused to tell her mother (and her dad is a non-issue). She's one of those people who refuses to budge on anything she makes her mind up about.

[xPANCAKEx]

well in all fairness the decision has to be hers to make - if she doesn't wish to take it further in the legal sense its her call, albeit one im sure we all find misguided

but she DOES need to inform her tutors and get her study partners switched, even if she has to study in a group of three or change her social schedual to fit around them

[arguskos]

PANCAKE: We're in college in the US, they don't assign study partners, it's up to the students to do on their own. I've been encouraging her to get a new study partner though, if she can find someone.

However, I would in general agree that yeah, this is NOT the decision I really was hoping for.

[Coidzor]

She definitely shouldn't continue to associate with him in any capacity. That's for sure.

How annoyingly dense.

[arguskos]

She definitely shouldn't continue to associate with him in any capacity. That's for sure.

How annoyingly dense.

That's what I told her. 's her call though. Oh well, I can but recommend and support.

[Jalor]

So she was definitely a victim, but doesn't even want to avoid him informally? That seems pretty irrational to me, not wanting to avoid a guy who felt you up while you were half-asleep. I realize that people can be irrational, but I have firsthand experience with people taking legal action against imagined harassment and it's pretty strange that she's not doing anything about it. Then again, some people juggle geese.

[AngelSword]

It seems I'm being cast as a villain. I don't like it.

[Coidzor]

It seems I'm being cast as a villain. I don't like it.

I don't like it when it happens to me, either.

[Serpentine]

So...what does romantic love feel like?

Maybe you just haven't been in love yet? When you're in love, it's all bubbly and warm and you wanna be so close to them you'd just gobble them all up if you could... Spoilers for the movie (and I'm told, book), Perfume:

Spoiler

Show

At the end, when he smothers himself in the perfume, and everyone around him (around the world in the book, apparently) is maddly, passionately, purely in love with him, they all swarm on him and devour every last little piece of him, and (quoted from a bad memory) "depart with the comforting thought that they did something purely and completely for love".

It'd kinda like that, except... less so So, I think I wouldn't worry about it too much, really. There's nothing wrong with "best friends with exclusive benefits", and when you're ruly truly honestly deeply in love with someone, it'll be all the more wonderful.

AngelSword!
...
What happened?

[xPANCAKEx]

It seems I'm being cast as a villain. I don't like it.

well done

is elaboration to follow?

[Dallas-Dakota]

On both of her hands.

[Dragonrider]

On both of her hands.

If they match, it's probably a fashion statement.

[Coidzor]

On both of her hands.

Doesn't make a bit of difference. I mean, first, it's your frigging age group. Second, quit being a pansy, the worst that could happen is you die and that's vanishingly unlikely.

[RabbitHoleLost]

It seems I'm being cast as a villain. I don't like it.

Ah, I just love it when that happens

Don't let it get to you. Those who matter won't listen.

[Dvil]

Exactly. As I said, you now have an excuse to talk to her. It ain't going to get any easier, so you might as well do it now.

EDIT: this refers to Coizor's comment of 'stop being a pansy', by the way.

[Dallas-Dakota]

If they match, it's probably a fashion statement.

They don't match.

Doesn't make a bit of difference. I mean, first, it's your frigging age group. Second, quit being a pansy, the worst that could happen is you die and that's vanishingly unlikely.

Icky feelings stuffs and such.

Also: People apparently didn't weren't here a couple of pages ago. We're both new at college and in the ''new friends'' catagory, I think. And in the same friend group.
So we already talk pretty much every schoolday. And sometimes in free time on msn.

[Dvil]

Huh. Guess I missed that. Just ask about it. After all, it won't significantly increase the chances of spontaneous doomsday!

[Sipex]

Just try asking her out for a casual date. It's honestly the only way unless you're somehow psychic.

Many good things are difficult to get at first. It's worth it though.

[Whammydill]

As for the the situation where the girl got felt up. I would find this guy and in no uncertain terms let him know that there are worse things than death if he ever lays a hand on her again. I would say that to anyone who laid a hand on my female friends/signifigant other. Thats just me though. I don't care if the guy could kick my butt, I ain't afraid to get beat down to make my point, though I guarantee he will have his work cut out for him.

[Ditto]

DD - Why not comment on the ring? Saying you like the ring which happens to be on her left ring finger gives you a chance to talk about (maybe?), and compliments are always a bonus.

[Trobby]

About the ring thing: You could always, y'know, ask her why she wears two rings. o.o Nothing wrong with that. You could just be like, "hey, what are those rings for?" And then, if you still want to ask her out on a date, you could go for it from there. *nod*

[Umael]

So she was definitely a victim, but doesn't even want to avoid him informally? That seems pretty irrational to me.

Although I am quoting Jalor, this message is for arguskos:

A lot of the times, people who have been victimized, as is this case, feel guilty about it, like it was their fault and they could have done something to stop it, but because they didn't (or worse, they tried and failed), the shame is on them.

Since shame leads to silence, she feels that she has more to lose than gain by refusing to stand up for herself. If she keeps quiet, the boat doesn't get rocked, and if it is rocked, she is afraid that she's the one who will get pitched into the ocean. Sadly, there is evidence of just that kind of thing happening before (I don't know how likely it is, unfortunately), which gives that fear weight.

They can internalize that guilt and express it by using all kinds of defense mechanisms. Getting angry when the subject is broached, trying to change the subject immediately, ignoring all attempts to discuss the subject, trivalizing it ("it wasn't that big of an issue"), rationalizing it ("well, I guess all it means is that someone finds me attractive"), diverting her attention to other pursuits ("I'll work harder on subject X instead"), and expressing fantasies and/or daydreaming ("Wouldn't it be nice, if next time he tried something like that again...").

Mind you, I am not sure if that is all the defense mechanisms and I didn't repeat myself but, there you go. Food for thought.

...

This amateur psychological evaluation provided by the letter "Theta" and the number "e".

[Cobra_Ikari]

Ah, I just love it when that happens

Don't let it get to you. Those who matter won't listen.

It is a bit depressing to find out how many people don't matter, sometimes.

[arguskos]

Umael, that's the issue for sure, and that's why I am still deathly concerned about this. S is unwilling to budge on this issue, but I'm not gonna drop it, because I'm worried something is gonna happen. Either he'll try something again, and she'll hurt him and end up going to jail or something (reaaaaaaally not what I want to happen) or he'll do it again, and she'll be so afraid of consequences that she won't stop him... and then what do I do?!

I"m torn up pretty bad right now, and I can't make her do a damn thing about it. I love S so much, it hurts, and she's unwilling to admit that this guy was like two steps away from rape.

I just want to prevent J from bothering her anymore, and I want S to be safe, but I can't do anything.

[Telonius]

Really tricky situation there, made all the more difficult by the emotions involved. To start off with, I'll say that I'm very much into everybody accepting personal responsibility for their own actions. She's responsible for the choices she makes, and Creepy Guy is responsible for the choices he makes. That said, assigning who gets what percent of blame is not really a good way to move forward on it, especially since she has already decided not to pursue charges. That decision is hers and hers alone, and you have to respect it if you want to respect her.

I think some of the questions you ought to be asking are: What's she feeling right now? What does she need in order to move on? If the answer to that is "nothing," are you prepared to accept that? Why or why not?

If you really are afraid that he'll try something, tell her so. If that doesn't change her mind, it doesn't change her mind.

Remember, you are responsible for your own conscience, and no one else's.

It seems I'm being cast as a villain. I don't like it.

My preferred method of dealing with that is to use reverse psychology and take the joke far past its logical conclusion. "Yes, actually I do think your mother is a hamster, and I'm a truly awful person who likes kicking puppies for fun. Now if we're done with the nonsense...?"

Of course this is from the guy whose keychain reads "CC's Evil Prince," so take that with a grain of salt.

[arguskos]

Telonius, I've already accepted that she doesn't want to do anything, but it doesn't assuage my fear or worries. At this point, there's nothing that can be done, save me support her as I always do, and that's what I've been doing.

I just worry is all. I just worry.

[Syka]

Is she at least not going to be studying alone with him? Public interaction and such is one thing, privately would just be stupid (assuming she doesn't want to get frisky with him, which is the assumption here).

Question: Does she have any sort of self-esteem issues or history of abuse (sexual or otherwise)? Either one.

[arguskos]

Is she at least not going to be studying alone with him? Public interaction and such is one thing, privately would just be stupid (assuming she doesn't want to get frisky with him, which is the assumption here).

No private studies will be commencing, that's for sure.

Question: Does she have any sort of self-esteem issues or history of abuse (sexual or otherwise)? Either one.

Yes to the former, unknown to the latter, but I personally doubt it. Her mother is IMMENSELY overbearing though, to the point that it's painful to deal with, and is why S doesn't really tell her much about S's personal life. She has pretty bad self-esteem issues though, yeah. I try and buff her up, make her feel better, and it works somewhat. Just... not all the time.

[Syka]

Yes to the former, unknown to the latter, but I personally doubt it. Her mother is IMMENSELY overbearing though, to the point that it's painful to deal with, and is why S doesn't really tell her much about S's personal life. She has pretty bad self-esteem issues though, yeah. I try and buff her up, make her feel better, and it works somewhat. Just... not all the time.

That makes more sense. She probably feels like it was her fault and that since she "didn't say no" she can't confront him because he "didn't know it was wrong" (despite any moron on the street knowing feeling up someone who is asleep is Bad Idea) or something of the sort. From my understanding, that sort of thinking is very common, particularly in women who already have fairly low self-esteem.

She also may have felt she caused the situation for some reason or other, regardless of the fact that no one truly causes a situation like that. That would also explain why she doesn't want to report it.

I think your best course of action is to make sure she knows it is NOT her fault. As long as she is not privately studying with him and being around him doesn't cause undue stress (such as depression or a drop in grades or some such), I'd let her handle it from there though. It'll be tough, but as long as she isn't putting herself in a potentially dangerous situation, this is HER life and as much as you'd like to protect her, just being around him in public is unlikely to cause an issue.

You could also try talking to a psychologist or some such and get their take for how you should handle this. I'm not saying have her go, but you go.

[Keld Denar]

Well, its been 4 days since she said she was gonna press charges, and I haven't gotten a phone call from the police. So, either that means she was bluffing, or the police think I'm a fugative because I'm out of state even though EVERYONE I know knows I am working in Alaska and the police have my phone number from the 2 reports I filed with them before.

In other news, I've been talking and texting with a girl I met on my camping trip over labor day, and having lots of fun flirting. Now...just need to hold her interest for another 3 weeks without seeing her till I get back from work! 3 weeks to avoid saying something stupid! Go me!