Relationship Woes and Advice, Trip to Baator

[Cobra_Ikari]

Why wouldn't you want to be friends? That eludes me.

And...she could be playing games, she could be trying to let you down kindly, or she could be telling the truth. *shrugs*

[Moonshadow]

Because I'm useless as a friend. I don't really fit in with her lifestyle. I'm just some guy she talks to on the internet who happens to live in the same suburb, who she probably never has any intention of meeting in real life.

And because I'll probably just hurt myself further. I'll keep trying to make her happy at the cost of my own energy, energy that I can really ill afford to spare right now *shrugs*

[Coidzor]

Live in the same suburb, even, and yet never met.

That's pretty wiggy, mate.

[Moonshadow]

It's not for lack of trying. She was always too nervous, and didn't want to step out of her comfort zone.

[Coidzor]

Well, good riddance.

Can you imagine what someone who is so tied to their comfort zone they won't even meet a fellow member of their community in public at a community event when they've already had mutually intiated and reportedly enjoyable contact would be like in bed? In the Kitchen? On dinner dates?

EUGH!

[xPANCAKEx]

celtois

in grade school that probably still applies - once you start being an ADULT (ie: a woman) be prepared to make the move yourself

Vella_Malachite

it stops being casual the minute one of you asks it to stop being casual and the other one agrees. Time plays no factor on this. Before then? still casual... assumptions to the contrary can sometimes lead to heartbreak

Naoto Shirogane

tough break. I can take all sorts of guesses as to why shes got this nervous - but only she would be able to confirm... and this is one of those times its better to live in blissful ignorance.

I'd back right off - She's asked you to her space after all. You wern't friends before the flirting so theres no neccessity to maintain a pretense of friendship now. Shes asked you to give her some space, so now is the time for you to get on with your own life - have fun, get out there, and if someone/some people take your eye, persue other women.

And worse yet - if she shoots you down and you're still chasing her around you'll be 'too available' and thats never attractive to anyone

Coid

hey, it happens - my district is about 150,000 people so it wouldn't raise an eyebrow if someone i never met happened to live in the same town

[Cobra_Ikari]

Coid

hey, it happens - my district is about 150,000 people so it wouldn't raise an eyebrow if someone i never met happened to live in the same town

Not unusual for you to have never met, no. But for you to be internet chatting/flirting friends, live at most 15 minutes apart, and yet not be willing to meet in person ever? That's a bit...different. I mean, it's not like it'd take any real effort, you know?

[xPANCAKEx]

Not unusual for you to have never met, no. But for you to be internet chatting/flirting friends, live at most 15 minutes apart, and yet not be willing to meet in person ever? That's a bit...different. I mean, it's not like it'd take any real effort, you know?

for some people its still nerve wracking though. Meeting a stranger off tinternet is one thing, but meeting one where there is an obvious romantic component to the situation can be even worse

[Silence]

Girlfriend just changed her relationship status to "It's complicated" on Facebook.

Obviously, it is not physically possible for me to have a normal relationship...

[Sipex]

Ouch, well, are there any reasonable explanations for it first? Worst thing you could do is jump to conclusions.

I know my girlfriend had her relationship status to "It's complicated" for like...a year because our relationship was: Not married but dating for 4ish years and engaged for 3, living together for 2 but we practically act married.

If something is up she'll likely talk to you about it, if she doesn't initiate the conversation then simply ask about it. She put it up in a public place so she probably expected you to see it.

[Syka]

I'ma agree with Pancake on the casual/relationship thing. I casually dated a guy for 9 months. Never once did I refer to him as my boyfriend, nor he to me as his girlfriend, I do not consider him an ex. It was purely casual, and although we were officially, it was mostly exclusive, and others referred to us as boyfriend/girlfriend, we were NOT in a relationship (under the strict, romantic relationship definition).

Oz and I dated for a week before we were in a relationship.

It's all in the communication. It ain't a 'serious' relationship unless BOTH parties agree, overtly, to it.


I'm out of advice today. Bummed because my friend is having a going away dinner tonight because she leaves to go back to Iraq early tomorrow and I can't go because I have to work and no one can cover my shift, and my boss won't let me get off. I will be doing poorly the next couple days.

[xPANCAKEx]

silence

you're young (only 15, right?) - its never going to be smooth sailing. Also - this girl has been pretty flakey from the get go. I'll be honest... the outlook does not bode well.

If the happiness she provides is outweighed by the emotional distress she creates, then break up with her. Otherwise, suck it up.

Syka
arrange to see her/ask her to swing by your work even if you only catch each other for only 5 minutes - these small moments mean a lot

[Faulty]

There's a 4th year girl I sorta like. I'm a 2nd year. Too big a gap?

[Ishmael]

I don't really think so. I'm a college sophomore, and the last person I dated was a High School Senior. Two years don't really matter too much, really.

That said, there's a lot of variability in terms of maturity. But still, I don't see the problem...

[Moonshadow]

Her exact words were "I need you to back off a bit while I try and sort my life out."

And when I asked if there was no chance of anything more later, her reply was "im not really sure about that"

I'm just too stupid to break anything off for fear of hurting people, so inevitably, I'm just gonna keep hurting myself. Not that it matters.

I wonder how long it will take me to run myself into the ground...

[AtomicKitKat]

Her exact words were "I need you to back off a bit while I try and sort my life out."

And when I asked if there was no chance of anything more later, her reply was "im not really sure about that"

I'm just too stupid to break anything off for fear of hurting people, so inevitably, I'm just gonna keep hurting myself. Not that it matters.

I wonder how long it will take me to run myself into the ground...

Well, keep only the barest level of contact with her(ie, if she calls to talk, talk, else, leave her alone. If you bump into each other when doing other stuff, just be polite, greet, don't feel obliged to make small talk), and if someone else comes along, go for it.

[Coidzor]

Well, what you do here is, ignore the ******. If she contacts you, don't be rude or anything, but don't seek out contact with her, and definitely don't let yourself dwell on her.

[donthaveone83]

OK, so this situation is a bit interesting in that it's been building up for about 6.5 years now; I'll do my best to be brief.

Obviously there's a girl - there always is - that this is about. I'll call her A. Now, I've known and been best friends with A since we were both 13ish, and we've had good times, bad times, all that jazz. I've been in love with her for at least 4 years now. Before last weekend, she had an idea about this, but no concrete evidence. (Mostly because we were young, I was scared, and neither of us wanted something long distance at the time)

So then, last weekend: I got invited to spend the weekend with her and some other of her friends in the city, I gladly accept. (Note: before this weekend, we hadn't seen each other in about 2.5 years) We were getting ready for bed - A and I were downstairs, her other 2 friends were upstairs - and A decides to change right in front of me. I turn away as I was raised to, and she giggles and says that I'm always too honorable and nice. So I say to her, "What, I'm supposed to stare and gawk?" She smiles, kisses me on the corner of the mouth, and says "Maybe" before going to wash up.

I sit, stunned, and decide to tell her how I feel when she comes down; so she does, and I do, and then I kiss her. She kisses me back, and we spend the next 3 hours or so being very lovey-dovey.

Now for the reason I'm confused: other than one small comment she made upon waking up, we have not spoken about what happened. Normally this wouldn't be a problem, as I'd just drop by and have a chat with her whenever she's ready (though she is at least a little confused, but that's expected). However, she lives about 400 miles away and I can rarely obtain time off from my job. I guess I'm asking for some general advice as to what I should do, and what y'all think this might mean. I normally wouldn't ask...but I've got this bad habit of over thinking things and freaking myself out, so some outside perspective would be very helpful.

Thanks in advance...

[Syka]

Kiss her? There are two reasons a girl will change in front of a guy: she either doesn't see him as a threat, or she's trying to get him to make a move or some such. Or they are in some sort of production (fashion show, play, etc) that requires quick changes, which I'm preeeety sure isn't the case here.

With her reaction to you turning away, I vote that she's into you. Now, I wouldn't say kiss her while she's changing or anything, but trying for a smooth wouldn't be amiss I don't think.


Pancake, tis ok. I got to see her for about 45 minutes this morning but after that I didn't. My mom came home so she could pick me up and take me up there (30-40 minutes from where I live), but we ended up not doing it since my friend was realllly tired. I'm OK with it, though. I'm not sure how well I'll hold up once I get the last phone call when she's in Atlanta tomorrow, but that would be regardless.

[donthaveone83]

Kiss her? There are two reasons a girl will change in front of a guy: she either doesn't see him as a threat, or she's trying to get him to make a move or some such. Or they are in some sort of production (fashion show, play, etc) that requires quick changes, which I'm preeeety sure isn't the case here.

With her reaction to you turning away, I vote that she's into you. Now, I wouldn't say kiss her while she's changing or anything, but trying for a smooth wouldn't be amiss I don't think.

Nonono, see, I kinda figured the same things, so I did kiss her. I'm confused as hell because I have no idea if she's rethought her "long distance relationship policy" or not (I have), and because I really don't know what I should do next. Thanks for the advice, though.

[Coidzor]

^: Well, I guess you could leave her a message asking her how she feels about things because you've certainly had cause to re-evaluate your prior stance on LD relationships.


In regards to my life...Hmm.... How's this?

"Hey, I'm not really sure I got what you were getting at when you mentioned abstinence the other day. Was that abstaining from dating altogether or the more usual one where no hanky-panky is to occur?"

It's kinda niggling me mad.

[Syka]

In that case, talk to her. Ask her if she's rethought her long distance policy, just straight up. The straightforward approach is (usually) the best.

[xPANCAKEx]

donthaveone83

im gunna have to go down a slightly different tack her:

arrange to hang out again soon. Don't talk about what happened unless she brings it up, and just go with the flow

when you see her next, ask if she wants to try something long distance or if she thinks this is just a casual thing. At least then you'll know where you stand and it doesn't make too much of a drama over things. If its just casual thing, then the lack of drama will prevent it from turning weird and not kick the friendship too hard

Naoto Shirogane

yeah... definately just leave her well alone for the minute. Shes asked you to give her some space, so let her get on with what she wants to do. I know its probably not what you wanted, but its for the best at the moment. You've got to show the confidence to not be too clingy and give her that space... if its gunna work, this is the only way it will happen

until she lets you know shes sorted though, get on with your life. You're a free man. If you meet someone in the mean time, don't hold back, its her loss, not yours.

[donthaveone83]

donthaveone83

im gunna have to go down a slightly different tack her:

arrange to hang out again soon. Don't talk about what happened unless she brings it up, and just go with the flow

when you see her next, ask if she wants to try something long distance or if she thinks this is just a casual thing. At least then you'll know where you stand and it doesn't make too much of a drama over things. If its just casual thing, then the lack of drama will prevent it from turning weird and not kick the friendship too hard

I know what you mean. Only thing is that I have a hell of a time getting time off. I'm a manager at my job, and because of work-drama we're really low on managers. This last weekend off is the only time off (other than a day here or there) I've had in almost 8 months. I've been talking to my boss, and it looks like the next time off I can get to go see her is the last weekend of November (I have to work thanksgiving and black Friday, but he'll give me the weekend off). So should I give her a call and try to work this out over the phone, or wait a month and pray she doesn't think I'm flaking out on her?

[Coidzor]

So, ah, any suggestions about how to phrase asking for clarification as to what someone meant when they said abstinence since they didn't seem to mean the usual usage?

[xPANCAKEx]

donthaveone83
work-wise - check over your contract. Sometimes work places will try to screw you on your days off, so fight for every single one of them. Its not your fault that they've got a shortage of managers - and although some contracts do cover some eventualities, they can't force you to work forever just because they're too lazy to rectify the personel shortage. If they won't give you time off now, get it in WRITING what they'll give you as recompense

but back onto the girl issue - from what you've reported she's said i doubt she's gunna start looking... but end of november is a while away. It may be worth asking her to come see you for one of your days of - tell her you wanna see her again soon and see where the conversation leads

it would be better to say those sort of things face to face, but distance is the issue

coidzilla

i wouldn't press the issue to be honest - doesn't really sound like a situation that will ever work out to your liking. If she was interested she would have started seeing you but let you swiftly know it wouldn't be a sexual relationship

leave it be

There's a 4th year girl I sorta like. I'm a 2nd year. Too big a gap?

nope - if you enjoy each others company and have fun, then whats the hold up. If she gets hung up on it - is that really the kind of lass you want to date anyway?

[donthaveone83]

So, ah, any suggestions about how to phrase asking for clarification as to what someone meant when they said abstinence since they didn't seem to mean the usual usage?

So I know I'm calling the kettle black here, but I think this is one of the times you want to be really clear and just ask, full out. Its one of those things that, if you're getting into a relationship or want to be in a relationship with that person, you really need to be clear on. Trust me, I've been burned with it before, and have since learned to ask when the subject comes up.


And Pancake, I'm a shift manager...so no contract. I'm trying to swap some shifts about with a couple of sympathetic (pitying) coworkers, though...and she'll be in the area for a day next week. I'm going to try and talk to her then, I think.

[xPANCAKEx]

And Pancake, I'm a shift manager...so no contract. I'm trying to swap some shifts about with a couple of sympathetic (pitying) coworkers, though...and she'll be in the area for a day next week. I'm going to try and talk to her then, I think.

no contract? that sounds illigal... even a verbal agreement is a contract

but if you can see her for that day, then talk over things then

[donthaveone83]

Naw, US labor laws are odd, and I work for an "at will" employer...basically, they can fire me for any freakin' reason they want, whenever they want. It is pretty lame, really, but its the best most of us (18-24 year old people in the US) can get.

And yeah, I'll be doing my damnedest to see/talk to her next Friday when she's in the area.

[Dracomorph]

Naw, US labor laws are odd, and I work for an "at will" employer...basically, they can fire me for any freakin' reason they want, whenever they want. It is pretty lame, really, but its the best most of us (18-24 year old people in the US) can get.

And yeah, I'll be doing my damnedest to see/talk to her next Friday when she's in the area.

I work on a similar scheme, but I still signed a contract when I started. It's very unusual that you wouldn't have one at all, though sometimes the contract says "we can fire you whenever we want, for whatever we want, and we don't have to say why." It's for the employer's benefit as well to have things outlined in writing.

I mean, maybe you don't have a contract. But that just sounds really weird.