Crack Pairings IV - You Can't Unread It

[The Odor]

Yeah. After the obvious "How can this be used in a perverted fashion" ones, I just pulled stuff out of the air.

How do you think they were used?

Spoiler

Show

the physical-stat-enhancing potions - To help Elan and V's con.
the scrolls of Grease - To... speed thing's up.
Rope Trick - For tieing up I hope
Mage Hand - Same as above.
Black Tentacles - Same as above.
Evan's Spiked Tentacles of Forced Intrusion - The thing it was desinged for.
the silk rope - Hmmmm. Tieing up again.
the manacles - What is that?
the whip - Whiping maybe?
the leather (Black AND red!) - Sexy clothes.
and the french maid outfit - Sexy clothes.
broomstick - I can't say that a PG way.
the plunger - For their... pleasure.
the wand - V's... casting.
the feathers - To tickel V's ear's.
the leg lamp - Can't translate.
the funnel - Can't translate.
the apples - For fun and eating after fun.
the melon - For fun and eating after fun.
carrot - I can't say that a PG way.
the jelly - http://www.giantitp.com/comics/oots0206.html Last panel say's it all.
the bucket of sand - I have no idea.
the cup - collecting... liquid.
the hacksaw - Knife play? Please let it be Knife play.
the dead trout - For fun and eating after fun.
the rubber chicken - To scout Elan's body.
the vaguely phallic vibrating object with non-Euclidean geometry - We all know what this is for right. We are all 12 +.

Is this okey with the rules. Please tell me.

[CoffeeIncluded]

Spoiler

Show

the physical-stat-enhancing potions - To help Elan and V's con.
the scrolls of Grease - To... speed thing's up.
Rope Trick - For tieing up I hope
Mage Hand - Same as above.
Black Tentacles - Same as above.
Evan's Spiked Tentacles of Forced Intrusion - The thing it was desinged for.
the silk rope - Hmmmm. Tieing up again.
the manacles - What is that?
the whip - Whiping maybe?
the leather (Black AND red!) - Sexy clothes.
and the french maid outfit - Sexy clothes.
broomstick - I can't say that a PG way.
the plunger - For their... pleasure.
the wand - V's... casting.
the feathers - To tickel V's ear's.
the leg lamp - Can't translate.
the funnel - Can't translate.
the apples - For fun and eating after fun.
the melon - For fun and eating after fun.
carrot - I can't say that a PG way.
the jelly - http://www.giantitp.com/comics/oots0206.html Last panel say's it all.
the bucket of sand - I have no idea.
the cup - collecting... liquid.
the hacksaw - Knife play? Please let it be Knife play.
the dead trout - For fun and eating after fun.
the rubber chicken - To scout Elan's body.
the vaguely phallic vibrating object with non-Euclidean geometry - We all know what this is for right. We are all 12 +.

Is this okey with the rules. Please tell me.

Probably what they used it for.

The bucket of sand? Haley mixed it with the jelly.

I don't know what they did with the cup. Or the hacksaw.

Manacles=Handcuffs.

[The Odor]

Probably what they used it for.

The bucket of sand? Haley mixed it with the jelly.

Dear I ask why...

[CoffeeIncluded]

Dear I ask why...

Why do you think? Remember what Belkar said: "Sand does NOT go there!"

...Well? How squicky was this?

[Dark Faun]

"Sand does NOT go there!"

This line's especially funny when you know there's a moon elf named Sand gadding about in Neverwinter Nights 2.

By the way, nice chapter ShinyDelusion. It's really a shame Elan's the one who'll get a happy ending though, since he's the one I'd kick out of the threesome without hesitation (but with much glee) and the other two are those I actually want to see happy (or at least kissing).

[Zanaril]

It's really a shame Elan's the one who'll get a happy ending though, since he's the one I'd kick out of the threesome without hesitation (but with much glee) and the other two are those I actually want to see happy.

All the more reason to give the other two some time together while they're still here.

[CoffeeIncluded]

But did you like it? Did you find it funny?

[Dark Faun]

Haley's dealing with the shopkeeper made me smile.

[Zanaril]

But did you like it? Did you find it funny?

Funny? Hilarious!

It was possibly too weird and cracky, because the whole thing left my mind in a tangle. But maybe that's what you were aiming for.

[CoffeeIncluded]

Funny? Hilarious!

It was possibly too weird and cracky, because the whole thing left my mind in a tangle. But maybe that's what you were aiming for.

How did it leave your mind in a tangle?

And dinner time! We're going out for Chinese.

[Zanaril]

How did it leave your mind in a tangle?

Because I tried to mentally keep up with things via Belkar's commentary.

[martinkou]

This line's especially funny when you know there's a moon elf named Sand gadding about in Neverwinter Nights 2.

And incidentally, that guy is also a mid-level wizard - assuming Haley somehow brought him from Faerun to OOtS-verse before the Knight Captain story.

[Water-Smurf]

Hello, friends and family! Merry Christmas! I just got back from whipping a good chunk of my family at this new board game my mom got us for Christmas (apparently, I'm a deceptive, strategic little bitch ) and I don't have much time to reply to the messages that have been buzzing around so far (round two is coming soon! :D) but I'll reply to said messages once I'm not running around in Christmas frenzy.

As a special present to all the little chickadees of crack, give me scenes/short stories you'd like to see me write. They need to involve the characters/pairings I'm currently writing about (gotta keep my muse sharp!) but it doesn't need to fit in my stories' canon at all. It could be open-ended (like a what-if question) or a defined plot that would last for under thirty pages. Once everyone who wants to request something does so, I'll try to write as many as I think I can. Anyone who'd like that?

[Aaron]

Yay! Let's get started with the noodle implements!

Spoiler

Show

"Haley? Is V acting funny today, or is it just me? V's been flirting with me all day, at least I think so..."

Haley stared at Elan for a moment, then broke into a wide grin. "This is great."

"Huh?"

"Elan, there's uhm...Remember when we played out a fantasy of yours last week? The one with the flute, the rope, and Banjo?"

"Yeah, that one was fun."

"Well, uhm, I have a fantasy scenario too. It's kinda complicated though..."

Elan tilted his head and smiled. "Really? Can we do it? Please?"

Haley's jaw dropped. "Really? ...You're serious?" Elan nodded. "...YAHOO!!! Go get V, I'll be right back! YES!" She ran to the shop pumping her fist in joy.

Belkar, who had been eavesdropping, grinned wickedly. "This is too good to not record. Next stop, Quest Buy!"

===

Three hours later, Haley came back from the shop with a wagon full of various objects. "Well, that went better than I thought it would be," she said to herself.

When she bought the physical-stat-enhancing potions, the scrolls of Grease, Rope Trick, Mage Hand, Black Tentacles, and Evan's Spiked Tentacles of Forced Intrusion, the silk rope, the manacles, the whip, the leather (Black AND red!) and the french maid outfit, the shopkeeper just grinned knowingly. When Haley asked to purchase the broomstick, the plunger, the wand, the feathers, the leg lamp, the funnel, the apples, the melon and carrot, the jelly, the bucket of sand, the cup, the hacksaw, the dead trout, and the rubber chicken, the shopkeeper began to look a little worried. By the time Haley put the vaguely phallic vibrating object with non-Euclidean geometry on the counter, she had to bribe the shopkeeper into not telling the police.

Meanwhile, Belkar was busy planting his newly-bought Teevo in Haley's room, giggling all the while.

===

As Belkar heard Haley walking up the steps, he scampered into his room and turned on Teevo, a psychotic grin spread across his face. He leaned forward in excitement as Haley, Belkar, and an oddly-behaving Vaarsuvius ran into the room and locked the door, then grinned even more widely as Haley poured her gold all over the floor, began to strip, and took out the rope, manacles, whip, and scrolls.

Then she took out the other objects and things began to go south for Belkar very quickly.

Belkar's grin quickly turned into a look of shock and horror as he saw Haley's long-time sexual fantasy played out in front of him. "No no NO! AGH! GODS! WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?! THAT'S NOT EVEN NORMAL! Oh Gods, what now? Agh! AGHH! No! NO! That does NOT GO THERE! WHY ARE YOU PUTTING THAT IN THERE?! And now--WHAT?! APPLES?! No! No no NO! You do NOT use that like that! --CAN THAT EVEN FIT IN THERE?! HOW DEEP DOES THAT GO?! Oh Gods, that is DISGUSTING! How can you POSSIBLY be turned on by--AAAAAGGGHHHHH!!! And now you--YOU'RE EATING IT?! MERCIFUL GODS; HOW--WITH A MELON?! WHAT ARE YOU PUTTING IN V'S EARS?! No, WHAT ARE YOU PUTTING V'S EARS INTO?! No! Sand does not go there! Sand does NOT go there! Oh Gods, what is that thing?! WHAT IS THAT THING?! THAT'S NOT EVEN EUCLIDEAN! AND YOU'RE SHOVING IT-- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!

===

Durkon and Roy came back from the tavern to see Belkar rocking back and forth on the floor, trembling madly and sucking his thumb.

"...Never ask what happened here?"

"Aye."

...Thoughts? This was a lot of fun to write.

...That was hilarious! Now Belkar has to watch it again on the Teevo and suffer even more mental torture! Serves him right for recording it.

Great fic Coffee. You just made my day.

[The Dark Fiddler]

As a special present to all the little chickadees of crack, give me scenes/short stories you'd like to see me write. They need to involve the characters/pairings I'm currently writing about (gotta keep my muse sharp!) but it doesn't need to fit in my stories' canon at all. It could be open-ended (like a what-if question) or a defined plot that would last for under thirty pages. Once everyone who wants to request something does so, I'll try to write as many as I think I can. Anyone who'd like that?

Meeting the in-laws.

[Meg]

As a special present to all the little chickadees of crack, give me scenes/short stories you'd like to see me write. They need to involve the characters/pairings I'm currently writing about (gotta keep my muse sharp!) but it doesn't need to fit in my stories' canon at all. It could be open-ended (like a what-if question) or a defined plot that would last for under thirty pages. Once everyone who wants to request something does so, I'll try to write as many as I think I can. Anyone who'd like that?

Marriage proposal/First date gone horribly wrong.

[Zanaril]

What if Inkyrius had found out about V's relationship with Reddy - and the pregnancy - while they were still alive?

Or if that's too close to someone else's suggestion... if V had run into that succubi in Girard's dugeon, appart from Reddy who might it have impersonated?

Or you can just write me a V/Aandy lime.



Oh, and since I'm just doodling and trying to get the hang of drawing with a tablet, is there anything anyone wants me to try to sketch?

[Dark Faun]

What if Inkyrius had found out about V's relationship with Reddy - and the pregnancy - while they were still alive?

Funny, I was about to post my request: Kyrie snapping and butchering V - pregnant or not - and Redcloak. But this ain't a crack pairing.

[Zanaril]

Funny, I was about to post my request: Kyrie snapping and butchering V - pregnant or not - and Redcloak. But this ain't a crack pairing.

Who cares if it's not a crack pairing?

[Dark Faun]

Anyone who wants posts here to remain on topic.

Oh, and since I'm just doodling and trying to get the hang of drawing with a tablet, is there anything anyone want me to try to sketch?

V x Haley. Kissing, Haley pregnant, lime, whatever.

[Water-Smurf]

Oh, and since I'm just doodling and trying to get the hang of drawing with a tablet, is there anything anyone want me to try to sketch?

Reddy/V/Tia happy family scene? Possibly Christmas-oriented?

I need to make sure I remember that they're capable of non-sad fluff too.

[CoffeeIncluded]

Oh, and since I'm just doodling and trying to get the hang of drawing with a tablet, is there anything anyone want me to try to sketch?

...Belkar's look of horror when he sees what Haley, Elan, and V are doing?

[Zanaril]

V x Haley. Kissing, Haley pregnant, lime, whatever.

V and Haley it is then.

Hooray for ear-nibbling.

Water-Smurf's request next, if I can stay awake long enough...

[ClericOfBelker]

Maybe MORE CHRISTMAS CRACK AND/OR PICTURES!!!!!


Pretty please with brain-bleach on top?


HO! HO! HO! MARRY CRACKMAS!!!!

[Zanaril]

Maybe MORE CHRISTMAS CRACK AND/OR PICTURES!!!!!


Pretty please with brain-bleach on top?


HO! HO! HO! MARRY CRACKMAS!!!!

I should have drawn one of them with a santa hat.

[The Dark Fiddler]

MARRY CRACKMAS!!!!

Why do people on this forum think you can wed holidays? Is it something in the smilies?

[Meg]

HO! HO! HO! MARRY CRACKMAS!!!!

That's not very nice.

[Silverraptor]

Yay! Let's get started with the noodle implements!

Spoiler

Show

"Haley? Is V acting funny today, or is it just me? V's been flirting with me all day, at least I think so..."

Haley stared at Elan for a moment, then broke into a wide grin. "This is great."

"Huh?"

"Elan, there's uhm...Remember when we played out a fantasy of yours last week? The one with the flute, the rope, and Banjo?"

"Yeah, that one was fun."

"Well, uhm, I have a fantasy scenario too. It's kinda complicated though..."

Elan tilted his head and smiled. "Really? Can we do it? Please?"

Haley's jaw dropped. "Really? ...You're serious?" Elan nodded. "...YAHOO!!! Go get V, I'll be right back! YES!" She ran to the shop pumping her fist in joy.

Belkar, who had been eavesdropping, grinned wickedly. "This is too good to not record. Next stop, Quest Buy!"

===

Three hours later, Haley came back from the shop with a wagon full of various objects. "Well, that went better than I thought it would be," she said to herself.

When she bought the physical-stat-enhancing potions, the scrolls of Grease, Rope Trick, Mage Hand, Black Tentacles, and Evan's Spiked Tentacles of Forced Intrusion, the silk rope, the manacles, the whip, the leather (Black AND red!) and the french maid outfit, the shopkeeper just grinned knowingly. When Haley asked to purchase the broomstick, the plunger, the wand, the feathers, the leg lamp, the funnel, the apples, the melon and carrot, the jelly, the bucket of sand, the cup, the hacksaw, the dead trout, and the rubber chicken, the shopkeeper began to look a little worried. By the time Haley put the vaguely phallic vibrating object with non-Euclidean geometry on the counter, she had to bribe the shopkeeper into not telling the police.

Meanwhile, Belkar was busy planting his newly-bought Teevo in Haley's room, giggling all the while.

===

As Belkar heard Haley walking up the steps, he scampered into his room and turned on Teevo, a psychotic grin spread across his face. He leaned forward in excitement as Haley, Belkar, and an oddly-behaving Vaarsuvius ran into the room and locked the door, then grinned even more widely as Haley poured her gold all over the floor, began to strip, and took out the rope, manacles, whip, and scrolls.

Then she took out the other objects and things began to go south for Belkar very quickly.

Belkar's grin quickly turned into a look of shock and horror as he saw Haley's long-time sexual fantasy played out in front of him. "No no NO! AGH! GODS! WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?! THAT'S NOT EVEN NORMAL! Oh Gods, what now? Agh! AGHH! No! NO! That does NOT GO THERE! WHY ARE YOU PUTTING THAT IN THERE?! And now--WHAT?! APPLES?! No! No no NO! You do NOT use that like that! --CAN THAT EVEN FIT IN THERE?! HOW DEEP DOES THAT GO?! Oh Gods, that is DISGUSTING! How can you POSSIBLY be turned on by--AAAAAGGGHHHHH!!! And now you--YOU'RE EATING IT?! MERCIFUL GODS; HOW--WITH A MELON?! WHAT ARE YOU PUTTING IN V'S EARS?! No, WHAT ARE YOU PUTTING V'S EARS INTO?! No! Sand does not go there! Sand does NOT go there! Oh Gods, what is that thing?! WHAT IS THAT THING?! THAT'S NOT EVEN EUCLIDEAN! AND YOU'RE SHOVING IT-- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!

===

Durkon and Roy came back from the tavern to see Belkar rocking back and forth on the floor, trembling madly and sucking his thumb.

"...Never ask what happened here?"

"Aye."

...Thoughts? This was a lot of fun to write.

I see we broke your sanity long ago. I fear for your future.

[CoffeeIncluded]

I see we broke your sanity long ago. I fear for your future.

...Is that a good thing or a bad thing?

[Kyronea]

...Is that a good thing or a bad thing?

Yes.

Also, your story was hilarious.