Relationship Woes and Advice: The Thirteenth Woerier

[Coidzor]

Welcome to the Relationship Woes and Advice thread, home of any questions you may have: romantic or familial or friendship, we'll answer (or try to answer) them all. Three years old and growing. As Pancake says, this isn't a trade economy- feel free to ask if you have a question, even if you haven't ever given advice and don't intend to start. We won't stone you or ignore you or anything. All we ask is to know how a situation ends up, either in this thread or through a PM.

Here are the basics.

The biggest bit of advice I've seen bandied around is the truest- no matter what else is true about the situation, always be yourself. It's no good to act like someone else, because eventually the true you will come out and the other person will not be happy you hid that from them.

Rules Of Relationships:
#1- Communicate. If you can't talk with your partner, it's probably not going to work.

#2- Be yourself. Admittedly, if you have some really bad habits you should probably try to change them, but be honest about who you are. No one wants to find out they were loving a lie, and no one likes to live a lie (...well, normally).

#3- Accept your partner. In mine, and other people's, experience you have to be able to accept your partner as they are, because they probably won't be able to change. Also, don't change drastically for someone. I've tried it, my friends have tried it, it doesn't work and it doesn't end pretty.

#4- Hints. Do. Not. Work. Or they might, but the chance of that happening is limited. Some people are like me and just utterly oblivious unless it is blatantly stated, others are (also like me) and don't want to assume, and yet others don't care. You won't know which they belong to unless you actually spell out your intentions and/or feelings. I would consider this a corrolery to Rule #1 except that it comes up so often. Do NOT assume someone should know something from hints. Hints, by nature, are subtle. Clue Bats/Crow Bars/Mack Trucks are not. Try hitting them with one of those. ;) (No, not literally. I mean be upfront if you are trying to get someone to know something.)

#5- Don't be desperate. You don't need to be in a relationship and the healthiest mindset is one where you are happy as you are, even if you do not have a significant other. Don't stay in a relationship that isn't good if you aren't happy, just because you want someone. This is detrimental to both parties in the long (and sometimes short) run.

#6- Be a couple. Set aside some time every week to be together. Just an hour, if nothing else, where it's JUST you two. No computer, no others. Just the couple.

#6.5- Maintain the relationship. Ask your partner every now and then how they are feeling, if they feel like the relationship is still going in a good direction, etc. Also, make sure you don't hide it if you have an issue with your partner or a relationship. The only way it can change is if you talk about it.

#7- Let your boundaries be known. This goes for everything from intimacy to what you consider cheating to any other thing you can think of. Pretty much if it's something that would possibly upset you or your partner, let them know BEFORE a problem arises. An example would be letting your partner know you consider kissing cheating. They very well might think only intercourse is cheating. Having that known before anything potentially happens is a good thing.

#8- Know the signs of an abusive relationship. Both men and women can be abusers, and if you recognize the signs early on you are more likely to be able to get out of a bad situation before it gets out of hand. It's never easy, but if you know the general red flags, it can help you to avoid the situation.

Here is a more general, gender neutral list. Thank you Pheehelm and arkady for the links (I think I remembered that correctly...)

RULES. YOU READ THESE.
-Anything of a sexual nature, please PM to either myself or one of the regular advice givers. If you just want general opinions post something like: "I have this problem, but it is not board appropriate. Could one of you guys PM me?" I know from experience that you will in fact get help.

-KEEP IT NICE. Disagreements are bound to happen, but please don't be rude.

-Joking is all fun and games, within reasons. Please do not get derogatory.

I decided to put this up because, evidently, it was not apparent that these should be followed. I do not want this thread to be scrubbed again, and we were blessed to get it back.

So please - play nice, and if you're not comfortable talking about things over the open board, PM one of the regulars (too many to mention), and I'm sure they'll be willing to lend an ear - or if you're not sure who to PM, post asking for someone to PM you, and you'll soon get a response

-Syka

Now, all that said, this thread needs a better name and I'm only doing this because Syka mentioned being busy all of today.

Previous Thread: 12: In the 12th Relationship Woes and Advice Thread, my true friend gave to me...

Edit: Minor grammatical/typographical editing.

[Kaiser Omnik]

Ok, first time here.

Question: When people say "No, I'm not looking for a boyfriend/girlfriend right now" when asked out, how often does that mean "I am not currently looking and I am not interested in dating you right now, but I'm not saying never" in contrast to "In fact I'm not interested in you at all and will probably never be, but I don't want to hurt your feelings (they might still not be looking for a relationship right now though)", from your experience?

[Coidzor]

^: I wouldn't be able to say decisively. But I believe barring some significant life changes on their part you just assume the latter because if things changed that they could pursue and they actually would be interested, they'd contact you. I believe it is not taboo, however, to ask again if one notes that their position has changed. At worst you'll make 'em squirm a bit and wish they had just been direct, hopefully influencing them slightly towards changing their future behavior.

Of course, I'd have to recommend looking in a different part of the field after getting a line like that. But I personally find the line one big heaping pile of BS. Which, when one can smell the BS, more than counteracts any potential white-lie-ness, as it becomes an insult. But, then, this is my personal view of the universe and apparently I'm completely off base to feel insulted by being baldfacedly lied to.

So I guess my question here is this: do I go with what J has said and not say anything to C about G's interest, or do I try to mention G's interest to C? If the latter, any suggestions about how to do so? I'm not so great with this kind of thing, unfortunately .

Hm. A bit unfortunate with the never seeing them again, but also... liberating as well. Have you talked to G about why she hasn't just approached the man?

It did seem like J wanted you to find out whether C was interested in G, so I guess if you really wanted to you could lead a conversation towards the topic of her and if he manages to figure it out, great.

[term1nally s1ck]

Ok, first time here.

Question: When people say "No, I'm not looking for a boyfriend/girlfriend right now" when asked out, how often does that mean "I am not currently looking and I am not interested in dating you right now, but I'm not saying never" in contrast to "In fact I'm not interested in you at all and will probably never be, but I don't want to hurt your feelings (they might still not looking for a relationship right now though)", from your experience?

IMO, the answer is irrelevant. If the first is the case, you shouldn't be hanging on to wait for them anyway. It's a no, and treat it as one.

If the second is the case, they may change their minds.

Either way, move on (though don't burn that bridge as an option), and enjoy what's happening, instead of wondering about might-have-beens.

[rogueboy]

(I posted this at the very end of the previous one, but the new one was posted while I was typing this out, apparently, so I'm reposting here)

OK, so I'm in a situation involving a couple friends and I don't quite know how to deal with it. Brief background for things to (hopefully) make sense: my roommate (C), 2 mutual friends (J and G), and myself have known each other for about a year now and are all mutual friends.

About 2 weeks ago, I went out to dinner with J, her boyfriend (who I've known for about 10 years now), his brother (who was in town for the weekend), and a couple other friends. While there, J mentioned that G had a crush on C. I didn't say anything to C because I wasn't sure if I was expected to relay that to him or not, but got the impression I wasn't. Last night was G's (21st) birthday, so the 4 of us went out to a bar after having dinner with some other friends. While at the bar (might have been dinner before C got there, actually), J mentioned again that G had a crush on C and would "do backflips" and other such things if he asked her out. I mentioned that I had heard her mention the crush at the first dinner, but hadn't said anything. She said something which, while I forget the exact words, were effectively "don't tell him".

However, things got a bit more interesting after we had all had a couple drinks at the bar: while C and G were dancing, J asked me if C had any feelings for G, aside from just being friends. I told her (honestly) that I had no idea. As far as either of us could tell, C is oblivious to G's interest in being more than friends. By the end of the night, I noticed C making out with another girl at the bar (not unusual activity for him while he's single) as we were preparing to leave. G definitely saw him, since she pointed him out to J who wanted to let him know we were leaving.

Now I'm trying to decide whether I should mention anything to C. I know that J said that I probably shouldn't, and I would normally just wait and see how it played out. However, C and I are graduating on Saturday (yay! ) and I'm heading back to my parents' place (~100 miles from here) for 2-3 weeks before moving across the country for grad school. C is going to remain here for the summer, while J and G are not graduating for another year. Because I am going to be gone, and I get the impression that G is very interested in C (both from J's comments and reflecting on her behavior while around C) but that J isn't going to say anything and C is being oblivious, I am having trouble convincing myself that I shouldn't say anything.

So I guess my question here is this: do I go with what J has said and not say anything to C about G's interest, or do I try to mention G's interest to C? If the latter, any suggestions about how to do so? I'm not so great with this kind of thing, unfortunately .

Sorry for the rambling, just trying to give all the information I can so you can all give me useful replies instead of saying you need more to go on

Thanks!

[Kaiser Omnik]

Of course, I'd have to recommend looking in a different part of the field after getting a line like that. But I personally find the line one big heaping pile of BS. Which, when one can smell the BS, more than counteracts any potential white-lie-ness, as it becomes an insult. But, then, this is my personal view of the universe and apparently I'm completely off base to feel insulted by being baldfacedly lied to.

Definitely. The girl I'm thinking of probably didn't think of the issues with that line, but it's definitely annoying to say the least. Leaving people to wonder what you actually mean after they asked for a direct answer is a very bad idea.

IMO, the answer is irrelevant. If the first is the case, you shouldn't be hanging on to wait for them anyway. It's a no, and treat it as one.

If the second is the case, they may change their minds.

Either way, move on (though don't burn that bridge as an option), and enjoy what's happening, instead of wondering about might-have-beens.

Probably this, yeah. I always overthink things and wonder about might-have-beens.

[Umael]

OK, so I'm in a situation involving a couple friends and I don't quite know how to deal with it. Brief background for things to (hopefully) make sense: my roommate (C), 2 mutual friends (J and G), and myself have known each other for about a year now and are all mutual friends.

I am not sure why J said not to say anything, but I guess it depends what J was thinking about when J said not to say anything and why.

I also seems to me that this is purely you taking an interest in some friends, so this is no skin off your nose (directly) if you do nothing.

That said, saying something or doing nothing are both valid options, although saying something can backfire or it can do wonders. Doing nothing is just... stepping back and observing while "nature" takes its course.

(Mind you, if you feel like C and G would make a nice couple, that is your opinion. It also may be, unfortunately, only your opinion.)

If you feel so inclined to say something, let me point out just three possible options:

1) Walk up to C. "You, C! G digs you! I know, she told me!"
Direct, but J DID ask you not to say anything, and this definitely qualifies. J might well be upset with you, especially if C screws it up and offends G in the process. Also, if C and/or G got word that one of them told you that they liked the other, and you used that to place matchmaker... that might get them upset with you, because they happened to have their eye on someone else.
On the other hand, like I said, direct. Simple. In a way, elegant, like a simple chemical equation for an explosion.

2) Wait until C mentions something about G or C's romance life. Say, "Hey, um, C? You didn't hear this from me, but I think G likes you. Just sayin'."
A little more subtle, but it offers a wet paper towel for a defense against anything J might say about you not saying anything. Again, J might get upset with you. More or less, just see the resolution above, only with about half the volume of volative mixtures.

3) Talk about something which both C and G like, a common hobby, hopefully one which C knows G likes, and one that you like as well (you are all friends, so it's possible). Mention that you will be leaving soon and that C will be on his own to find someone to hang out with that knows this hobby. Say no more.
Subtle, which means it might not work. But then, that might be all the nudge C needs. If it works, you can point out to J that you didn't say anything at all to C about G (True).

[Pyrian]

I'm not so great with this kind of thing, unfortunately .

It's really none of your business, honestly, and if you're not good at that sort of thing you should probably just keep your nose clean.

Omnik: Yeah, that line is pretty much a kiss of death.

[Syka]

I've been on all sorts of sides of that issue, rogueboy. My advice? Don't get involved. At all. Seriously.

If C isn't making a move, then he is either A. not interested, B. not interested enough, or C. just too damn shy. I get the impression that C is not the case, what with apparent making-outs.

So that leaves A and B. Either way, it's unlikely you would get C to ask G out, unless he wasn't interested enough purely because he didn't want to be rejected by Girl He Knows. If G isn't willing to ask C out, or otherwise make a move, it's honestly her loss. Yeah, rejection is scary but having it done through someone else is just wimpy. Are they probably fishing to find out C's feelings? Most likely. Should you feed them? Nope.

Also, I hated when friends didn't believe me when I said not to tell my crush. But we got past that whole deal in high school. If they aren't past it yet, they need to learn.



On the too busy...just take it as a no. That is what it is. Do NOT ask again. If she/he is interested and available later one, she/he will ask you. Otherwise, it comes off as desperate and slightly creepy (I've been on the receiving end...it's more scary than flattering). Just let it be.

Now, it CAN be a valid excuse. As I've mentioned many times, due to my current schedule due to a combination of school, job, and internship there is not a snowballs chance in hell that I would even TRY to begin a relationship- even just casual dating. Too much stress and too much time. It's hard enough just maintaining my relationship; I can't imagine trying to build one.

But it's still a no.


Coidz, thanks. I completely didn't even realize we were in the upper forties. For some reason, I was convinced we were in the lower forties.

[rogueboy]

Thanks for the quick replies. I think I was just wanting to make sure that someone else felt that not saying anything was, if not the correct answer, a perfectly reasonable one.

[Kaiser Omnik]

Thanks Syka. Of course girls all react differently, but it's good to know that it could be considered creepy to ask again.

[Umael]

I've been on all sorts of sides of that issue, rogueboy. My advice? Don't get involved. At all. Seriously.

If C isn't making a move, then he is either A. not interested, B. not interested enough, or C. just too damn shy. I get the impression that C is not the case, what with apparent making-outs.

So that leaves A and B.

Just because someone is knows a person, and is willing to flirt/make out a lot, doesn't necessarily mean that these separate things go together. That, and you forgot D. really freakin' oblivious.

[Superglucose]

It all stinks of some complicated game to me.

[Coidzor]

It all stinks of some complicated game to me.

What? Life? Romance? Oh, the silliness of his two female friends? Yeah. They're playing an idiotic game by involving him by REALLY LOUDLY EXCLAIMING HOW MUCH G HAS THE HOTS FOR C and then swearing him to secrecy about it.

Syka, Pyrian, the *****es already involved him by how rudely they did it.

Thankfully he'll soon be uninvolved by never seeing them again.

[Pyrian]

Syka, Pyrian, the *****es already involved him by how rudely they did it.

Meh. What are they going to do, complain because he doesn't do what they asked him not to do? My bet would be that C knows perfectly well that G is interested in him and doesn't share the feeling. Guys that periodically make out with women they just met are not shy and frequently highly attuned to such observations.

I bought some Ritter Sport chocolate - one Alpine Milk and Dark (50%), alongside some Lindt, Classic Milk and Excellence Dark (50%) for comparison (all solids). I think dark 50% just doesn't work for me, it has neither the advantages of milk chocolate (creaminess and complexity) nor the strength of a more potent blend (fond of 70%-75%, much more and it's too bitter for me). So, both darks were good but not excellent. On to the milks... Putting anything up against Lindt Classic Milk is almost unfair, that stuff really is absurdly divine. Even so, I didn't care for the Ritter Alpine Milk, I think because it's cut with hazelnut paste, which just isn't one of my favored flavors.

Couldn't find Quin's suggestion.

[Syka]

Meh. What are they going to do, complain because he doesn't do what they asked him not to do? My bet would be that C knows perfectly well that G is interested in him and doesn't share the feeling. Guys that periodically make out with women they just met are not shy and frequently highly attuned to such observations.

This.

It's exactly where I was coming from. Sure there are exceptions, but exceptions are just that- exceptions. It's more likely than not that he is not the exception.

[Superglucose]

like I said in the last thread, the last time I saw this was in high school. And generally my advice for the high school version of this was to do your damndest to throw as big a wrench in the plans. Aversion therapy.

[BSW]

OK, so I'm in a situation involving a couple friends and I don't quite know how to deal with it. Brief background for things to (hopefully) make sense: my roommate (C), 2 mutual friends (J and G), and myself have known each other for about a year now and are all mutual friends.

<snip fact pattern>

I think the question that you really need to ask yourself is this:

Do YOU think that C and G would make a good couple? You know them both, so you're in a decent position to make an educated guess about that. If you really don't think they'd actually be good together, then just keep your nose out of it entirely.

If the answer to that question is yes, then there's really no reason why you shouldn't play matchmaker. You don't have to be obvious about it at all, really. Start by working on G... tell her that you think that she should just go ahead an ask him out rather than waiting for him to make the first move.

Hell, if you really think that they'd be good together and that C does actually like G, then it wouldn't be the end of the world if you actually just told him that she likes him. Sure, you were asked not to... but that's pretty obviously a face saving thing. She doesn't want him to know that she likes him because she'd be embarrassed if it wasn't mutual. That doesn't apply if it is mutual.

[J.Gellert]

Small question...

Can anyone identify this kind of flowers?



Also... what is the general opinion on flowers these days? Lame? Romantic?

[Syka]

It looks like an orchid of some variety.

I, personally, dislike receiving flowers. Oz got me an orchid plant (not just the flowers, which was pretty nifty) about 2 months ago. I didn't mind, surprisingly, but one stem only JUST died (or dropped it's flowers or whatever). Generally, I see it as a waste of money, though, but I may be seeing orchids as an exception 'cause they are pretty and last forever.

If you are going to do it, look up flower meanings and get something appropriate that reminds you of the person. Also find out if they have allergies. That's a biggie.

[Starbuck_II]

If you are going to do it, look up flower meanings and get something appropriate that reminds you of the person. Also find out if they have allergies. That's a biggie.

What nothing says, "it is time to see other people" than a handful of allegies.

[loopy]

Ok, first time here.

Question: When people say "No, I'm not looking for a boyfriend/girlfriend right now" when asked out, how often does that mean "I am not currently looking and I am not interested in dating you right now, but I'm not saying never" in contrast to "In fact I'm not interested in you at all and will probably never be, but I don't want to hurt your feelings (they might still not be looking for a relationship right now though)", from your experience?

In my experience, people say "I'm just not interested in a relationship now" when they want to let someone down gently.

Unfortunately it tends to ignite hope in we geeky types with active imaginations. Sometime, in the future, something might change and we'll be together! Sorry, it isn't going to happen.

I know, because I use this line a lot myself (when I actually care about the girl that I'm trying to detach myself from). If I don't.... Well.

[skywalker]

What nothing says, "it is time to see other people" than a handful of allegies.

Once upon a time, I went to a movie with a recent ex who I was still somewhat flirty with. Before we went in, she made sure to buy a big thing of Reese's. I'm allergic to peanut butter. Message very, very clearly received.

[Umael]

Once upon a time, I went to a movie with a recent ex who I was still somewhat flirty with. Before we went in, she made sure to buy a big thing of Reese's. I'm allergic to peanut butter. Message very, very clearly received.

Your ex is a smart and tactful woman. I approve.

[Kaiser Omnik]

In my experience, people say "I'm just not interested in a relationship now" when they want to let someone down gently.

Unfortunately it tends to ignite hope in we geeky types with active imaginations. Sometime, in the future, something might change and we'll be together! Sorry, it isn't going to happen.

I know, because I use this line a lot myself (when I actually care about the girl that I'm trying to detach myself from). If I don't.... Well.

I know well that's a very plausible explanation. But then again, it is theorically possible that it only means that one's too busy to start a new relationship, or simply that his or her last relationship is still hurting. In my case, I know that the latter is true. I also know that the girl in question is very honest and almost always speaks her mind, which is one of the reasons why I still am a bit confused about this. I've had another girl give me the same excuse years before, and with her I knew instantly that she only said it to let me down gently.

I agree with most posters in that it doesn't really matter in the end, since if she changes her mind, she probably knows I could still be interested in a relationship with her and will hopefully come to me. In the meantime, I'm just overthinking.

[Lord Loss]

I broke my arm. The girl I like (friend of a friend) found out. She called to see how I was doing . I think she implied interest in seeing a movie with me. I caught on after hanging up..

[Umael]

I broke my arm. The girl I like (friend of a friend) found out. She called to see how I was doing . I think she implied interest in seeing a movie with me. I caught on after hanging up..

There is nothing wrong with exploiting your condition finding a silver lining to your misfortune.

Also, quick! Call her back!

[Lord Loss]

She called me from mutual friend's house. Don't know the girl I like's real number ...

[Trellan]

She called me from mutual friend's house. Don't know the girl I like's real number ...

Call that mutual friend and get her number. When you call her, just phrase it along the lines of "I hope you don't mind that 'x' gave me your number, but I was just wondering if you wanted to go see that movie after all." Of course, suit to taste, but it should be fine. Pretty much every girl I've ever met would find that flattering :/

[fknm]

That is one person and that person is not me, nor does it in any way represent everyone who's had a long, long dry spell without romantic companionship. Again I point you to the fact that those of us trying to make this point are talking about a years long romantic solitude. This is the opposite of relationship hopping and "getting a fix".

It could be the equivalent of your dealer getting shot, and it taking years to make contact with a new one. The fact that you speak of it as "enduring a drought" says it all.

I am 38 years old. I ended my drought three years ago. Are you calling me a liar? Pyrian and wxdruid are also old enough to be far removed from "just out of college" and describe an experience similar to mine. Are we all just full of shine, or is it more likely that you are the one who's the exception here?

From my perspective, that's just 3 random people on the internet. In a thread that's naturally going to be biased towards "love junkies", no less.

That vs. most of my RL circle of friends, some of whom were even in relationships in their teens. Who are the exceptions again?