Things I May No Longer Do While Playing II: Stop Making The DM Cry

[byaku rai]

765. BoVD does not stand for Book of Venereal Disease.

766. Nor does BoED stand for Book of Erectile Dysfunction.

767. I am not allowed to make jokes based on book acronyms.

[Mixt]

768: Just because dragons are known for being horndogs it does not mean that the Chaotic Evil Dragon is a serial rapist.

769: I may no longer start humping the livestock while i think nobody is looking, we don't want any bloody half-dragon cows here.

[Antonok]

770: WD-40 does not insta-kill Rust Monsters.

771: I may not use the giant death beam mirror atop the temple ruins to destroy the village below, then sell said mirror to the BBEG.

771a: I cannot turn around and use said mirror on the BBEG to kill him then sell the mirror to the next BBEG.

772: Using above mirror on my vampire party member for the 'lulz' is also frowned upon.

773: I am no longer allowed near any mirror of any type. Ever. Not even a small steel mirror.

[Rockphed]

749. I may no longer consult "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Pirates".

749b. Because that book has never existed. Instead we consult The 70 Maxims of Maximally Effective Mercenaries(sorry for not linking the post that noted the switch. I couldn't find it)

774. If I have an artifact of unspeakable power, I will not use it for petty revenge against the rest of the party.

[Bobby Archer]

749b. Because that book has never existed. Instead we consult The 70 Maxims of Maximally Effective Mercenaries(sorry for not linking the post that noted the switch. I couldn't find it)

This is the blog post you're looking for.

[Realms of Chaos]

606. May not make uppdokk either.

Eeeeh? What's uppdokk? *bites into carrot*

[Barbin]

775. Half-Dragon Pixie Wizard with Magitech arm is not appropriate for a low powered and low magic campaign.

[WildPyre]

776: No longer allowed to take the spell "Speedy Undress"

777: No longer allowed to qualify for the PRC "Mystic Pimp"

778: No longer allowed to refer to my character as a "Mystic Pimp"

779: This non-Mystic Pimp character may also not carry a war razor and threaten to "Cut you like a jive turkey"

780: No longer allowed to cast spells from the Book of Arcane Nymphology During Combat.

781: May certainly not cast "Summon Sex Partner" during combat

782: Casting "Summon Sex Partner" for a minotaur or other burly creature, and targeting the enemy will get me banned.

783: Doing so and using the term "Roger" or one that sounds like a cutesy term for a goat will literally get me shot.

[ScionoftheVoid]

775. Half-Dragon Pixie Wizard with Magitech arm is not appropriate for a low powered and low magic campaign.

775b. No, being that weak does not mean it "cancels out" being unsuitable for the low-magic part.

[Siosilvar]

784. Iron Heart Surge still doesn't do that.

[DontEatRawHagis]

785. Asking the shop owner who will "get you guys anything" for a tactical nuke.
786. Force an enemy space vessel crash into a sun instead of just assassinating the captain.
787. Try to bribe the DM so that you get XP for everyone who died on the space vessel from #786.
788. Complain to the DM that you really could have used the tactical nuke for that last mission.
789. Help a disgruntled bodyguard pickup chicks at a fancy party.
790. Get the bodyguard a girl that is hotter than yours.
791. Apologize to said bodyguard for setting him up with a dude in drag.
792. Proceed to get bodyguard drunk and win all of his money from him in a drunken game of poker.
793. Bribe prison guards with a bottle of whiskey that may or may not have been hidden in a certain part of your anatomy.

[noparlpf]

794. I'm not allowed to try to pick up the Aspect of the Leviathan after it kills the rest of the party. Even if I do have 23 Charisma. Not after last time.

795. Along the same lines, I'm not allowed to wildshape into a giant octopus anymore.

796. I'm not allowed to have familiars anymore.

797. I'm not allowed to have two familiars via the Extra Familiar feat and have them breed to get more familiars.

798. I'm not allowed to dump Int and have a more intelligent familiar calling all the shots for me.

799. I'm not allowed to roll nat 20s anymore. My dice only go up to 19 now.

800. I'm not allowed to succeed on a diplomacy check against a god again.

801. This isn't confirmed, but I'm probably not allowed to play a paladin with moral blinders who ignores the fact that his friend has turned evil.

802. I don't think I'm allowed to use A Thousand Faces to look like other party members anymore.

803. Otyugh tentacles + sex = no.

[Istari]

804. Rolling a natural 20 on a will save does not allow me to disbelieve reality
805. When attempting to disbelieve reality I may not make pop culture references.

[turkishproverb]

806 (31). No, you may not attempt to seduce the tentacle monster.

807 (32). Not even if you are playing a japanese schoolgirl.

808 (33). You cannot ask if it would work while playing a japanese schoolgirl when you are playing a male half-ogre.

[Zerg Cookie]

809. I may not attack the other PCs in order to take their food and/or eat them upon my character introduction.

Look, you wanted them to find me in a dungeon after I haven't eaten for five days. No, I don't care that they're supposed to feed me anyway because they need my help, I'm freaking hungry and surrounded by dungeon monsters.
It was totally in-character!

[Pokonic]

810. No matter the situation, refering to the Rakisha rajia as "kitty" is not alowed and ill-advised.

[SowZ]

811. While in a cave or rock ceiling dungeon, casting a 'Reach Spell Stone Shape' to make a 10x10x10 hole below an enemy, (or four,) and then casting it again to cut out a 10x10x10 cube directly above said enemies hole while the creature(s) inside is/are spending its/their next turn climbing out is considered bad form.

[Jivundus]

812: "My life for Aiur" is not a suitable warcry for my Aasimar Warblade.

[Kojiro]

813. I may not say Pazuzu's name one time, let alone thrice.
813a. Saying "Pazuzu" for the purpose of this rule is the exception to that.
813b. Beyond that, though, I may not say "Pazuzu" again.

[cilonrs]

814 - "i kick the bomb" is not a valid solution in any case, even in the case of explosives that do not work as they should - no matter how important was that the bomb work off in the first place

815 - "I kick the bomb again if nothing happens" is really a not valid solution

816 - "Maybe I have not thought about it" as a response to my DM is also not valid when he asked if I had not really considered the possibility of bomb just explode in my foot

[Mixt]

817: Throwing a Drock at the BBEG in the middle of his monologue is not funny.

817a: Because turning the BBEG into a dragon is neither funny nor a good idea.

818: May not use a Drock to turn myself into a dragon.

819: May not throw a Drock at the princess, the king does not appreciate his only daughter being turned into a dragon.

[turkishproverb]

Use the drock to turn the part Monk into a dragon next time.

[NNescio]

806 (31). No, you may not attempt to seduce the tentacle monster.

807 (32). Not even if you are playing a japanese schoolgirl.

808 (33). You cannot ask if it would work while playing a japanese schoolgirl when you are playing a male half-ogre.

806a. No, you may not rename your spell into "Evard's Hentai Tentacles".
806b. No, it doesn't get a +2 bonus against creatures with the "Schoolgirl" type.
806c. And neither does it apply against Tibbits, Cat Hengeyoukais, or any similar anthropomorphic cat creature.

[Rockphed]

812: "My life for Aiur" is not a suitable warcry for my Aasimar Warblade.

812b. Nor is it suitable for a dual brilliant energy shortsword wielding paladin.
813c. Nor for solar who creates chainsaw katars with glorious solar saber.
813d. Nor for a dual wielding jedi.
813e. You know what...just don't use that war cry ever.

[Phloxine]

820: If I attempt to cast unluck on a hydra, I can't expect the DM is actually going to make all of the extra rolls, even though he is supposed to.

821: Even though it's the only knowledge I have, knowledge(Religion) isn't a substitute for all other knowledges.

822: Celestial Half-Dragon Gelatinous Cubes.

[WarKitty]

823. "Too Sexy for my Shirt" is not acceptable as bardic music

824. Taking my shirt off does not grant me a bonus to anything

825. Perform (stripping) is not a valid skill

826. Neither is Perform (muscle flexing)

827. If it's not listed as a subset of performance, you can't have it

[SowZ]

824. I cannot draw every card from the deck of many things, counting on drawing the ace of hearts, (avoid any situation... once,) ace of diamonds, (know the answer to your next dillema,) or queen of diamonds, (1d4 wishes,) before anything lethal and then using said cards to avoid all the negative cards. (This happened and it was the greatest thing in the world.

[turkishproverb]

I abused this so severely once by drawing well over the number of cards in the deck.

[Jivundus]

812b. Nor is it suitable for a dual brilliant energy shortsword wielding paladin.
813c. Nor for solar who creates chainsaw katars with glorious solar saber.
813d. Nor for a dual wielding jedi.
813e. You know what...just don't use that war cry ever.

813f: "My life for Eire" is also unacceptable.

825: My rogue may no longer announce his discovery of a trap
825a: Especially if said rogue is a fishman.

826: My rogue may no longer yell "Boink!" when sneak attacking
826a: My rogue may no longer yell "Sneak Attack!" when performing such
826b: My rogue may no longer speak when attacking

827: My rogue must never open his mouth outside of conversations with NPCs. Doing so will result his mouth being sewn shut.

828: My rogue can never be named Garrett.
828a: Not even if I spell or pronounce it differently.
828b: Not even if he bears no resemblance whatsoever to Garrett, and the name is a complete coincidence.
828c: No, not even if he is a she.

[One Step Two]

829: I am no longer allowed to use this song for Inspire Courage (Some Lyrics may be NSFW)
830: Nor may I use this for Inspire Greatness.
831: Using this for Fascinate is Right out.
832: I am no-longer allowed to play a Bard.