Things I May No Longer Do While Playing II: Stop Making The DM Cry

[Ksheep]

829: I am no longer allowed to use this song for Inspire Courage (Some Lyrics may be NSFW)
830: Nor may I use this for Inspire Greatness.
831: Using this for Fascinate is Right out.
832: I am no-longer allowed to play a Bard.

Darn you and your Fascinate.

[TheRiov]

833. I will stop using the environment to make climactic encounters trivial.
833a. I may not vent the hanger to space when the BBEG gets out of his ship.
833b. I may not use thermal detonators stuffed in the ceiling to drop the cavern/stonework/ice cave on top of the four high level dark Jedi advancing on my level 4 character.
833c. I may not use Stone Shape to bring down the prison with all the guards inside.
834. I may not use Magic Aura to prevent party members from even being aware of magical items when I lay claim to them.
885. I may not spread black sand in the captain's bed.

[Ksheep]

886. I may not split up the loot in such a way that the other PCs get all the treasure, while I get x ordinary stones (where x is the number of other PCs in the party).
886a. I may not try my hardest to convince the other PCs that they are indeed plain, worthless stones that don't offer any bonuses whatsoever at all.
886b. Furthermore, I may not finally relent to their demands that THEY get the stones and all I get is all the gold.
886c. If I failing to follow the above statements, it is a good idea to GTFO BEFORE they cast "Detect Magic" and realize that I was telling the truth about their non-magicalness... and realize that I just absconded with all the loot.

[Reltzik]

887: The Animate Object spell is not a way to engage in necromancy sans alignment consequences.
888: While a Hand of the Mage can be used to intercept grenade weapons and return them to their original owner, it lacks the ability to shove them into orifices.
889: No longer allowed to make trip attacks against snakes.
890: We are no longer allowed, upon encountering a dungeon, to spend the next two sessions researching it, rather than, I dunno, GOING IN.
891: It is not peanutbutter jelly time, they are not taking the hobbits to Isengard, it's not a small world after all, and I do not shake it like a polaroid picture.
891b: No longer allowed to play a bard, or anyone else with the Perform skill.
892: My character is allowed a phrase or a short sentence for dying words. SINGULAR. I cannot have 30 different sets of dying words, reprised from every film that I can remember.

[Esprit15]

886. I may not split up the loot in such a way that the other PCs get all the treasure, while I get x ordinary stones (where x is the number of other PCs in the party).
886a. I may not try my hardest to convince the other PCs that they are indeed plain, worthless stones that don't offer any bonuses whatsoever at all.
886b. Furthermore, I may not finally relent to their demands that THEY get the stones and all I get is all the gold.
886c. If I failing to follow the above statements, it is a good idea to GTFO BEFORE they cast "Detect Magic" and realize that I was telling the truth about their non-magicalness... and realize that I just absconded with all the loot.

893: I may not borrow any ideas to mess with my team or the DM from Order of the Stick.

[DJ_Lycos]

894. My friend and I should keep away from playing the monk cannon...unless the DM REALLY has it coming.

[NNescio]

893: I may not borrow any ideas to mess with my team or the DM from Order of the Stick.

893a: And neither can I borrow ideas from DM of the Rings.
893b: Or Darths and Droids.
893c: Or Nodwick.
893d: Goblins is unacceptable as well.
893e: You know what... just don't borrow any ideas from webcomics.

[Dark Kerman]

894. I may not use the strength of my Druid/Shifters Girallon shape to pick up another enemy and use them as a weapon.

[Ksheep]

896. The Lizzipede in not a viable PC. Don't even think about making it.

[Bobby Archer]

Double 894s.

897. I am not allowed to refuse a powerful NPC's offer of tea based on the fact that the DM only mentions tea when it's poisoned.

[noparlpf]

898. I may not eat other party members. Unless they've already been turned to stone (by me).

[Arbane]

894. I may not use the strength of my Druid/Shifters Girallon shape to pick up another enemy and use them as a weapon.

Wait, now I'm confused. That's NOT a valid tactic?

899: I can't have an octopus as a familiar. Especially not if I need to carry it around in a bucket.
899a: No, not even if it's a seagoing campaign.
900: The Summoner needs to stop shouting : "I CHOOSE YOU <name>!" whenever they use Summon Monster spells. _Now_.

[Hiro Protagonest]

893a: And neither can I borrow ideas from DM of the Rings.
893b: Or Darths and Droids.
893c: Or Nodwick.
893d: Goblins is unacceptable as well.
893e: You know what... just don't borrow any ideas from webcomics.

893f. One Piece: Grand Line 3.5 is right out. I cannot make a 1/16th giant 1/16th fishman who gets full bonuses as if they were half of each, who takes the short flaw and a feat that makes you over 7 feet tall so he ends up just under 6 feet tall, and who has a sword that can be used in the mouth by anyone with a bite attack (which being 1/16th fishman gives).

Wait, now I'm confused. That's NOT a valid tactic?

They even have a feat for it!

[Tavar]

893b: Or Darths and Droids.

Actually, borrowing from the Darth and Droids DM wouldn't be that bad of an idea. He seems to be a really stellar DM, all things considered.

[lerg2]

894: I'm no longer allowed to one-shot an NPC 4 levels higher than me with Death Attack DC 13.
894a: If above happens, if we are surrounded by an army loyal to him, after we're all dead I will be hit on the head with the rules compendium.
894b: If I somehow survive with 2 hp after shot 41 times by cannons I'm not allowed to feign death.
894c: After I FINALLY die, I'm completely allowed to get into a legal battle with a Diva to True Resurrect/Time Rewind/Miracle where only I remember the bad things that happened.
894d: Forget it, I'm not allowed to play anything chaotic/evil.

(This happened tonight!!!! The first time they let me do a plan we got TPKd. IT SHOULD HAVE WORKED!!! Why did the NPC army get ONLY crits!?!?!!)

[NikitaDarkstar]

895. I'm not allowed to take Trickery Devotion again. Ever.
895a. Especially not on a DEX based character where the feat description clearly states that only STR gets cut in half.
896. Also I'm not allowed to take Dire Charge with a dual wielder ever again, but that's not an issue since due to Dire Charge we won't be running epic level's again, ever.

[Hiro Protagonest]

Actually, borrowing from the Darth and Droids DM wouldn't be that bad of an idea. He seems to be a really stellar DM, all things considered.

893b clarification. Not allowed to do anything Jim or Pete did.

[Welknair]

893b clarification. Not allowed to do anything Jim or Pete did.

893ba. Especially no Summon Bigger Fish.

[Gralamin]

I don't have one, but just as a note, you guys should be up to 903, so next post should be 904.

Perhaps people should note the number the next person has if they are quoting another post?

[BillyBobJoe]

893f. One Piece: Grand Line 3.5 is right out. I cannot make a 1/16th giant 1/16th fishman who gets full bonuses as if they were half of each, who takes the short flaw and a feat that makes you over 7 feet tall so he ends up just under 6 feet tall, and who has a sword that can be used in the mouth by anyone with a bite attack (which being 1/16th fishman gives).

It's beggining to look a lot like 1/16 Giant Tiny Fishmen.

[Hiro Protagonest]

It's beggining to look a lot like 1/16 Giant Tiny Fishmen.

Actual source: link one, link two, link three.

[Bobby Archer]

I don't have one, but just as a note, you guys should be up to 903, so next post should be 904.

Perhaps people should note the number the next person has if they are quoting another post?

That would probably help a lot.

[Qing Guang]

904. I may not raise my Fighter's base Charisma to 32 with magic berries, nor may I assume said Charisma level causes all the young men or woodland animals she encounters to become followers.
905. I may not steal items from other player's characters merely because my Sleight of Hand skill is obscene.
905a. This goes double for healing potions/wands.
905b. Triple when said potions/wands are our only source of healing.
906. I may not steal another player's Bag of Holding and attempt to befriend the lawyer mysteriously surviving therein merely because "I'm a Rogue and I might need him in the future."
907. I may not egg on the Paladin when he is acting in a manner that will force a shift to a prohibited alignment.
908. I may not steal a gecko and train it to steal small items for me.

[SowZ]

904. I may not raise my Fighter's base Charisma to 32 with magic berries, nor may I assume said Charisma level causes all the young men or woodland animals she encounters to become followers.
905. I may not steal items from other player's characters merely because my Sleight of Hand skill is obscene.
905a. This goes double for healing potions/wands.
905b. Triple when said potions/wands are our only source of healing.
906. I may not steal another player's Bag of Holding and attempt to befriend the lawyer mysteriously surviving therein merely because "I'm a Rogue and I might need him in the future."
907. I may not egg on the Paladin when he is acting in a manner that will force a shift to a prohibited alignment.
908. I may not steal a gecko and train it to steal small items for me.

What? I thought 907 was the reason for Paladins in the party?

[Qing Guang]

What? I thought 907 was the reason for Paladins in the party?

Yes, but:
907a. The Paladin needs to realize that if he and the Ranger are going to go about starting riots and then breaking out of jail after being imprisoned for inciting said riot, his Lawful Good god will forsake him, he will be stripped of his powers, and his brand new shiny celestial tiger mount will thumb its nose at him and run away.

[SowZ]

Yes, but:
907a. The Paladin needs to realize that if he and the Ranger are going to go about starting riots and then breaking out of jail after being imprisoned for inciting said riot, his Lawful Good god will forsake him, he will be stripped of his powers, and his brand new shiny celestial tiger mount will thumb its nose at him and run away.

Well, yeah, I always thought orchestrating those kinds of situations that force a Paladin to choose between his life or his strict alignment was why you let them join the party?

[Qing Guang]

Well, yeah, I always thought orchestrating those kinds of situations that force a Paladin to choose between his life or his strict alignment was why you let them join the party?

Oh, those are quite interesting. Not in this case, though. This case would fall under the following rule:
908. I may not commit crimes "for teh lulz" if I expect not to be laughed at when I claim to be Lawful Good.

[Ksheep]

910. May not justify any and all actions done while Lawful Good by stating that it's not against the law somewhere.
910a. DEFINITELY may not justify it by claiming that I MUST do it according to the law somewhere else.
910b. Not allowed to make a kingdom with bizarre laws just so I can legally claim the above defenses.

EDIT: Fixed numbering

[NNescio]

910. I am not allowed to play a female Raptoran Hellfire Warlock.
911. Or a Raptoran Skypledged Cleric of the same gender.
912. Or a Hare Hengeyoukai Telepath.
913. Neither am I allowed to play a Rat Hengeyoukai Diviner.
914 Tibbit Necromancers are also forbidden.
914a. Moreso if I try to introduce myself as a "Nekoromancer".
915. Elan Wu Jens are right out as well.
916. And so are Elan Golemficers.
916a. Especially if I try to name my Steel Defender "Shanghai".
916b. No, I cannot name my Iron Golem "Goliath" either.

[ScionoftheVoid]

Numbers are off again, we have two 908s.