Things I May No Longer Do While Playing II: Stop Making The DM Cry

[M0rdain]

917. I may no longer persuade the rest of the party to pin down the Paranoid Party Rogue in his sleep while I attempt to cast hold person on him, to search his body. Because I believe he is under the compulsion of a cursed item. … Rather than asking to search him first. (It turned out he was not, and he now feels betrayed )

[Zerg Cookie]

918. I am NOT the blade of Shakuras.
919. No, not even when the wizard casts invisiblity on me.

[byaku rai]

920. Even if I can find the seeds for it, "I kill everything ever and win the universe" is not a valid Epic spell concept.

921. This goes double if it becomes "I kill everything ever and win the universe, then bring everything back as undead."

[Ksheep]

Fix your numbering, people. There are 2 908's, so everyone after that increase your count by one.

[NikitaDarkstar]

920. Even if I can find the seeds for it, "I kill everything ever and win the universe" is not a valid Epic spell concept.

921. This goes double if it becomes "I kill everything ever and win the universe, then bring everything back as undead."

.... But that's sort of the point of epic spells. Normal kills the world, epic the universe, epic necromancy reanimates it. *feels lost and confused now*

[byaku rai]

... perhaps I should specify that this should no be done to the homebrew world lovingly and thoroughly hand-crafted by the DM.

[NikitaDarkstar]

... perhaps I should specify that this should no be done to the homebrew world lovingly and thoroughly hand-crafted by the DM.

.... Sorry, still failing to understand the concept. :p

922. Breaking rule 920 or 921 will get me banned from playing any sort of spellcaster for life.

922a. Yes this includes Bards.

[Lady Serpentine]

923: I may not cast Create Sun. (Yes, it exists. You want a link?)

923a: Especially not in the middle of a group of things that need to not be in a Dead Magic Zone to survive.

223b: This is even more important if I try to do so using anything that makes it more insanely powerful than it is, such as inscribing the runes with a Wand of Widen.

Edit:

924: I may not use Create Life without approval from everyone.

925: I may not use a rune of Command, Dominate, etc. on all local beekeepers and then create a swarm of several hundred thousand undead bees.

925a: This applies to using a rune of Growth on a beehive until it reaches the size of a Hill Giant then wait for it to fill up. Especially if I use Create Life to make it not take forever.

Edit 2: Wow... My numbering got messed up. Fixed now. (It was 223, etc.)

[Trekkin]

926. If the entire plan consists of massacring minions, I may only attempt it three times.

927. In a setting that allows the free, effortless creation of specific types of matter, chemistry as we know it ceases to function.

927a. I am no longer allowed to make the focus of my character's adventuring the determination of a working set of physical laws.

928. I am not allowed to violate rules 926 and 927a simultaneously by redefining the scope of a single experiment to "now until I run out".

[Ivellius]

930: I may not attempt convince our Wookiee to wrestle hobos for our entertainment.
930a: Not even if we agree to feed said hobos for getting into the ring.
930b: No, not even if I bribed the local government for a permit.
930c: And we may not gamble on the outcomes.
930d: Or convince him to throw a fight to make even more money.

931: I may not insist that our sniper rented a hotdog cart to make money off the spectators.
931a: And continue to insist that he has "Gourmet Chef" as a trained skill and should be making even more money.

932: Stormtroopers that are on duty will not take a break to wrestle Wookiees in the park.

[Hiro Protagonest]

920. Even if I can find the seeds for it, "I kill everything ever and win the universe" is not a valid Epic spell concept.

921. This goes double if it becomes "I kill everything ever and win the universe, then bring everything back as undead."

Fix your numbering, people. There are 2 908's, so everyone after that increase your count by one.

.... Sorry, still failing to understand the concept. :p

922. Breaking rule 920 or 921 will get me banned from playing any sort of spellcaster for life.

922a. Yes this includes Bards.

We're still behind by one.

[Ivellius]

I skipped 929, so assuming the count was off by only one...

[Arbane]

927. In a setting that allows the free, effortless creation of specific types of matter, chemistry as we know it ceases to function.

927b: So does physics.

927bi: _Especially_ hydrodynamics.

[Morithias]

923: I may not cast Create Sun. (Yes, it exists. You want a link?)

923a: Especially not in the middle of a group of things that need to not be in a Dead Magic Zone to survive.

223b: This is even more important if I try to do so using anything that makes it more insanely powerful than it is, such as inscribing the runes with a Wand of Widen.

Edit:

924: I may not use Create Life without approval from everyone.

925: I may not use a rune of Command, Dominate, etc. on all local beekeepers and then create a swarm of several hundred thousand undead bees.

925a: This applies to using a rune of Growth on a beehive until it reaches the size of a Hill Giant then wait for it to fill up. Especially if I use Create Life to make it not take forever.

Edit 2: Wow... My numbering got messed up. Fixed now. (It was 223, etc.)

Batman: Bees. My God.

[Dragonexx]

928. Even if I am large sized, I may not wield the halfling as an improvised weapon.
928a. Or the gnome or the dwarf.
929. I may not sever a party members arm so I can dual wield it with my sword.
929a. Especially if I am chaotic evil.

[Bobby Archer]

935. I will am no longer allowed to dare the DM to kill my character.
936. I will not imply that the above rule only exists because killing my character is more fun for the DM if I act like I don't enjoy it more than he does.

[Esprit15]

937: I may not use a fiddle/banjo/guitar/accordion/bongo/viola/etc. as a makeshift weapon.

938: Should I break rule 937, I may not play music on said instrument until I fix it or purchase a replacement.

939: I forfit my right to continue as a bard if I set fire to my instrument before breaking rule 937.

940: Just because it's in gas form does not mean it's combustable.

940a: Especially if the ignition source is a flaming viola.

[Flame of Anor]

947. Will not double up on rules 692, 693, and 694.
948. Will not double up on rules 824, 825, 826, and 827.
949. Will not double up on rule 928.
950. Will not skip rules 933 and 934.
951. I will CHECK ALL THE TIME for misnumberings in the posts before mine!

[Bobby Archer]

947. Will not double up on rules 692, 693, and 694.
948. Will not double up on rules 824, 825, 826, and 827.
949. Will not double up on rule 928.
950. Will not skip rules 933 and 934.
951. I will CHECK ALL THE TIME for misnumberings in the posts before mine!

I skipped 933 and 934 to make up for the repeats of 928 and 929 in post 525. Calm down.

[Hiro Protagonest]

I skipped 933 and 934 to make up for the repeats of 928 and 929 in post 525. Calm down.

That just negates those two. If he went forward by two then went back by two for the doubling and skipping, it's still the same, and there's still all those other doubles that weren't addressed.

[Lord Raziere]

952. I am allowed to play nothing but a female kender ranger with a wolf named "Fluffykins" who wields nothing but explosive weaponry made by gnomes from mount Nevermind, and will refrain from ever making a serious character appropriate to the game.

[Tyndmyr]

953: I am no longer allowed to name my bard Jay Beebs.
954: The bard formerly known as Jay Beebs must, at some point, take an action other than singing, dancing and casting glitterdust.
955: Putting on and taking off "bling" does not satisfy 954.
956: No, I may not refluff the Amulet of Second Chances as a giant, gold clock.

[M0rdain]

957. I am no longer allowed to increase my Charisma with spells, with the express purpose of giving me more turn undead charges, to power divine metamagic, to persist another spell. (especially when its Visage of the Diety)

[byaku rai]

958: I may not abuse the DM's home rules to have a +13 greatsword on a full BAB character with Strength 30.

(Word of explanation: He set it up so that each +1 enchantment adds +1 to the attack and damage rolls... and forgot about the cap at +5, as well as the total cap at +10... and each +1 enchantment only costs 1,000)

[Morithias]

959: No more abusing "female only" for a -30% item cost. Especially if i'm the only girl in the party.
960: Especially if said item happens to be a potion.

[Thyrian]

961: I may not get a new familiar of the exact same type of the old one and name it Beta(original-name) e.g. Fluffy dies, new familiar is pronounced Betterfluffy

962: I may not prime frag grenades to explode instantaneously and 'accidentally' throw them at the enemy 'forgetting' to pull the safety pin.

963:I am never allowed to employ hooked and poisoned throwing nets with small fragile bottles of sovereign glue strung on the net, ever again.

964: I may not set up an Aboleth slime processing plant and supply coated weapons to any factions for my own entertainment, nor am I allowed to swap out the Aboleth slime for fake-slime at last moment and use the sudden table turn to catapult myself to power on what WAS the losing faction..

965: I may not set up a long term soul contract deal with Mephistopheles where he receives 1% of my soul every day I use the powers he grants to me, I may not set up the deal so the fine print for that 1% to be from my current total soul. E.g. At any given amount of soul left on any given day 100*0.99^number of days power used. Therefore while the soul I possess becomes infinitely small, it is still my own.

[Ksheep]

966: May not con other adventurers by running a bar, having the wizards Parrot familiar in a cage constantly saying "Help, I've been turned into a parrot", and directing all concerned people toward a wizard who will break the enchantment "for a small fee".

[DeadManSleeping]

937: I may not use a fiddle/banjo/guitar/accordion/bongo/viola/etc. as a makeshift weapon.

938: Should I break rule 937, I may not play music on said instrument until I fix it or purchase a replacement.

939: I forfit my right to continue as a bard if I set fire to my instrument before breaking rule 937.

940: Just because it's in gas form does not mean it's combustable.

940a: Especially if the ignition source is a flaming viola.

967: If I break rules 937-940, I will not ask the GM to give me roleplaying XP for putting on a rock concert.

[Marillion]

968: One style gives bonuses to using Claymores. One style gives bonuses to using Zweihanders. Claymores and Zweihanders are not the same thing, and you may only get the benefits of one school at a time.
968a: While wielding the appropriate sword.
968b: You may not dual-wield a Claymore and a Zweihander.
968c: There is no such thing as a Clayhander.
968d: Or a Zweimore, for that matter.
968e: Any further inquiries along this line of questioning will result in being smacked with a dual-wielded Zweimore and Clayhander.

[Reltzik]

After an epic twist at tonight's gaming session, here are some new additions:

Me (the fighter):
969: No longer allowed to construct a fighter build designed to do combat maneuvers more often than normal attacks. (eg, trips, disarms, etc.)
969b: Especially not combined with a reach weapon.
969c: Especially not combined with combat reflexes.
969d: Especially not when half of us don't remember the rules, while the other half has the Pathfinder rules confused with 3.5.
969e: Having violated a through d, not allowed to consistently roll low.
969f: No longer allowed to claim that using a masterwork weapon to disarm or trip affords a +1 bonus to the maneuver.
969g: Even if it TOTALLY should.
970a: No longer allowed to consistently hit 20 with untrained knowledge checks and a +1 int mod, while those with ranks have trouble beating 10.
970b: Same for diplomacy
970c: Same for gather info
971: When working out bird call signals by which the ninja scouting ahead will alert us to danger, we shall henceforth work out distinct signals for "danger, lay low" and "danger, come clanking up using full-round run actions to save me". (I did the latter.)
972: Just because we're waiting until night to attack, and just because that's 8 hours off, doesn't mean I regain HP.
973a: Alchemist fire is not a wise stealth option outside of the elemental plane of fire.
973b: It is also unwise inside said plane.
974: No longer allowed to use a reach weapon when the DM has opted for 10-ft squares "because it's a big battlefield".
975: Not allowed to revive prisoners to question them about why they're afraid of a spooky cave, just as the dwarf loses patience and goes to explore the cave, leaving me with the dilemma of supporting the dwarf or guarding the prisoners.
976: No longer allowed to leave the healer behind to guard the prisoners while the rest of the party charges into battle.
977: When the dwarf ninja runs into trouble some 100ft inside the Very Dark Cave, the proper response for a normal-sighted human with no prepared light source is not a Run action to get into position for support.
978a: When hit by magical darkness to which the dwarf is immune, I will delay action until the dwarf's turn, when she can tell me which square the enemy is in. I will not attack the last square the creature was in simply because that's what my character would do.
978b: Nor will I attack OTHER empty squares for the same reason.
979: No longer allowed to produce tactical advantage from being enveloped by Darkmantles.

The wizard:
980a: No longer allowed to play a Harpell.
980b: My insanity is no longer allowed to be "bad sense of direction"
980c: Seemingly innoccuous insanities like "bad sense of direction" are no longer allowed the inaugural tavern meeting by two weeks, nor further delay the now-started adventure by yet another day.
980d: No longer allowed near any map, compass, or other navigational device.
980e: No longer allowed to navigate.
980f: Henceforth required to have a guide hireling at all times.
980g: No longer allowed to ignore the warning sign that, when climbing a tree, you have been reminded which way is up.
980h: Under no conditions ever again allowed into magical darkness.
980i: In case of 980h, never allowed to cast touch cantrips on random squares in hopes of hitting something.

Ninja (repurposed rogue)
981: No longer allowed to forget the difficulty of serving two masters.
982a: No longer allowed to insult, by attempting to haggle, the wonderful pawn shop owner / information broker who is selling to us at a discount.
982b: Especially when bad at it.
983a: No longer allowed to roleplay gather-info checks.
983b: Especially when VERY bad at it.
984a: No longer allowed to make fun of the Harpell's name.
984b: Even if it's "Eustace".
984c: No longer allowed to tell everyone we encounter that the wizard is a Harpel.
985a: No longer allowed to mention the names of our clandestine employers to everyone.
985b: Especially not the pawn shop owner he's been insulting, and who is their longtime enemy.
986: No longer allowed to charge into a Darkmantle nest without waiting for support.
986a: No longer allowed to torture prisoners in front of a cleric of Gond.
986b: Or persuade said cleric to construct a corpse-a-pult.
987: No longer allowed to loot treasure while magical darkness is in effect and the party cannot see.
988: Not authorized to represent the party in any financial transaction involving the selling of prisoners into slavery.
989: The best way to convince the Harper that letting you live once you know his secret is not shouting at him, "HEY, YOU'RE A HARPER!" It's quietly keeping it to yourself and impressing him with your ability to keep it a secret.
990: No longer allowed to break the party into rival factions on the second session.

All:
991: No longer allowed to describe darkmantles as "loggy meat blankets", or for that matter provide any tactile description for them at all.