My Little Pony XVI: There's a Pony for That!

[the_druid_droid]

Wait I need to think something out.
Wouldn't I be a better fit as the Scooby of Ponythread?
or the Scrappy *shudder*

Well we need somepony in a fashionable ascot to describe how Big Macintosh was trying to spook his sister off his farm to stop the constant stream of inappropriate 'family business' jokes.

Oh! Oh! I volunteer to be someone! Maybe the random crossover comic relief (like that one episode where the dune-buggy crew appeared)?

[darthbobcat]

[COLOR="DarkOrchid"]

The Step-By-Step Guide to 4.9
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1.../edit?hl=en_US
[/SIZE]

As much as it's a parody, some of this advice (like the larger text and such) is actually reasonable advice for someone who isn't going the dark, soulless route of shipping Luna with herself for fun and profit.

[Kris Strife]

Oh! Oh! I volunteer to be someone! Maybe the random crossover comic relief (like that one episode where the dune-buggy crew appeared)?

Or the Three Stooges? You, Rosie and your saw blade.

[EsperDerek]

As much as it's a parody, some of this advice (like the larger text and such) is actually reasonable advice for someone who isn't going the dark, soulless route of shipping Luna with herself for fun and profit.

Well, yes. I wanted to include some actual good advice in between all the jokes about selling out and manipulating the system. Makes the whole thing a little more reasonable.

[the_druid_droid]

Or the Three Stooges? You, Rosie and your saw blade.

Me: Wha?! Stooges!

Rosie: Quiet you! *smacks*

Buzz: You heard the lady!

Me: But...but I'm trying to defend us... *rubbing head* Why I oughta...

*descent into slapstick*

[Rebelhero]

Hey, Pony thread once again i must call on you. I need an idea for 2 sister shops located in ponyville run by 2 well respected (OC) Husband and wife teams.
They are adventurous at heart, and dont like the slow nature of Ponyville. Both husband and wife shop owners are good friends and eventually leave their shops to travel as a 6 person group (the 2 husband and wife sets have a kid, a boy for one a girl for the other, who eventually become ponyards parents.)

Help please?
ALSO- The Work in progress: Ponyard's story. Fixed obvious errors and added length and detail to it.

[Lix Lorn]

Oh. My. God.

Ultralisk/Fluttershy is sooooooooo keeeeeewwwwwwwwwttttttttt.

OTP ftw?

The problem with all the Soft Serves coming together is, out of those 5, 4 are married. So, there'd be one Soft Serve married to four different ponies.

Soft Serve: ....I thought you said there was a problem?

Shush you.

Soft learnt from me.

You parsed this from eight seconds? No wonder you work for our new pony overlords (EqD). I hereby dub you the shipping queen.

That position is taken.

I seen the Generals one. Pretty awesome mod if indeed made. Also, I see I have fellow C&C fanatic here in this thread. Hee Hee.

Mammoth tanks always win.

Naaah. Huge amounts of base defences, and superweapons. Turtles yay!

So, I went to an MtG thingy today. I may have persuaded this nice girl to go watch MLP and I found this guy who had, so... good night there.

Also, what does the thread see me as, hmmm?

[the_druid_droid]

Hey, Pony thread once again i must call on you. I need an idea for 2 sister shops located in ponyville run by 2 well respected (OC) Husband and wife teams.
They are adventurous at heart, and dont like the slow nature of Ponyville. Both husband and wife shop owners are good friends and eventually leave their shops to travel as a 6 person group (the 2 husband and wife sets have a kid, a boy for one a girl for the other, who eventually become ponyards parents.)

Hmm, the first thing that sticks out to me for shops is something like outdoor gear. Hiking, stunt flying, that sort of thing; that way they incorporate their love of adventure and getting out of the same old routine into their business too.

[darthbobcat]

Why, I see you as the Great and Powerful Lixie, of course. No physical description would be adequate.

Also, hi! You haven't been on much.

[the_druid_droid]

Also, what does the thread see me as, hmmm?

Sort of like Galadriel when she goes crazy-mode on seeing the Ring. Except you're a Dark Orchid unicorn. And it's not the Ring, it's the Ship Note.

[Kris Strife]

Me: Wha?! Stooges!

Rosie: Quiet you! *smacks*

Buzz: You heard the lady!

Me: But...but I'm trying to defend us... *rubbing head* Why I oughta...

*descent into slapstick*

Indeed.

Also, my suggestion for the Hippogrif's cutie mark to be giant robot piloting related wasn't completely sarcastic. How many Gundam series protagonists go on about how they want peace, why can't we all just get along, etc? Just about all of them... Except Domon.

How many of them have berserk buttons, or tempers? All of them.

How many of them don't do well in social situations for most/all of their series? At least 50% of them.

Almost seems like being a peace loving, loner with a temper is a prerequisite.

[Rebelhero]

Hmm, the first thing that sticks out to me for shops is something like outdoor gear. Hiking, stunt flying, that sort of thing; that way they incorporate their love of adventure and getting out of the same old routine into their business too.

Hmmm Tents/Cooking supplies for one and.... Extreme sports/fire wood?

[the_druid_droid]

Hmmm Tents/Cooking supplies for one and.... Extreme sports/fire wood?

Something like that, perhaps...though specifics refuse to come to mind.

[Rebelhero]

Something like that, perhaps...though specifics refuse to come to mind.

Thats the problem im having right now. My brain is all fuzzy but i REALLY want to keep writing.

[SiuiS]

So, yesterday, instead of pony shenanigans, I spent the day over with an old friend. Who sheepishly admitted to me that, yes, he had, after my glowing recommendation and exposure to my magical pony phone folder, watched the first season of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. (His favorite ponies are Twilight Sparkle and Fluttershy.) So, that was good, and thirteen pages are you crazy

Good! I'd try the same, but I cannae separate pictures Ito folders, and not only do I have non-pony stuff on there, I have enough to make looking through it an HUGE hassle.

Yea! I'm glad that this community is keeping you going, Phoe - remember that we're all behind you, possibly with ropes and gags, possibly with support and backrubs!

We're like Schroedinger's Emotionally Manipulative Fanbase!

Ah, the power of avatars. Perhaps it's time to dig out an old one to forever change the way the thread thinks of me, yesss...

... It took me approximately 5 hours to make the connection between this and your avatar swap.

Luckily, I operate in high zoom, so I usually can tell who is posting by voice alone. failing that, I just "+ a bunch of stuff and check the name when I get to the quote tag

That said, I am also very curious about how the various posters of the thread imagine me. (Hint: I do not often wear formal attire.)

I very specifically view you as a pony avatar, because I don't like Daniel Radcliffe. If I remember correctly; I may be pulling the wrong celebrity likeness out of memory.

I find it interesting that you find my Jordanian rock interesting - but, due to forum policies, I am like an iceberg in that respect. There's a whole 90% underwater that you're not seeing.

exactly my point. You felt it was important enough to hint at. You also have a specific and somewhat peculiar talisman for it. I enjoy knowing little important bits about people; it's like fleshing out the shape of a natural pool, wi' echolocation. Sure, I may be seeing the rock rather than the water, but sometimes it's the vessel that matters.

It is, in fact, true that I am the biggest Flash (especially Kid Flash) fanboy. How did you know?

[img]mindreading[/img]

... lucky guess.

You're an average-looking guy, dark-haired, clean-shaven. Your face is frozen in some kind of constant, bemused half-smirk. Also, you're wearing a green t-shirt.

you got me at the smirk, and the hair color is pretty close (since I haven't really seen the sun in years).

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I am now imagining you with a ginormous golden beard, wearing a plaid button-down shirt and scuffed-up jeans, in a log cabin, hunched over a keyboard. Above the computer monitor is your prize-winning lumberjacking axe and the antlers of the moose you wrestled to death. Next to you is a plate of pancakes, smothered in gravy, with a fork sticking out of the top pancake. It is also snowing outside, just like it does for eleven months of the year.

That is awesome. Now I kinda can't not see it...

Meanwhile, the presses are hot, as the Pure and Honest Fox Raz prepares the special edition of the Bunbunmaru photo shoot: FILLIES GONE WILD: MUSICAL EDITION. Nothing personal, after all, it's just business. The money for a new, properly old-fashioned camera isn't going to come from just anywhere, after all.

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**********

For those of us who are musically inclined:
- My audial inspiration for my (other-than-Heroics) Ponyfic right now
- Trixie! Trixie! Trixie!

And a question (other than: what do y'all make of me?): Would you continue reading a fic if its opening chapter was all about OC ponies in an exotic environment, with more canon ponies only coming in later chapters?[/QUOTE]

If I ever started to read said fic, yes. It's getting me over my inertia that's hard. Each chapter is another struggle of "do I do this, or lurk the thread?"

Also, this seems as good a place as any for some shenanigans.

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Sssssshhh, don't call Talespinner attractive where he can hear you, or he'll shoot you with the Midzooka! He already has an ego the size of a small moon, you know!

[img]eyerollingwizardIfrit[/img]

Psh. I'm already an Ifrit, thanks to the proxy explosion. What is another shot gonna do?

Absolutely! You need to hold the portable haremizer like a bazooka, not a machine gun, or else the portable haremizer will start blushing and turn on you, even if you hold your hooves really still!

>///>
I had not considered the implications. Good point.

"Oh, really, thou sable quean? Truly, the fiend is in the eye of the beholder, and I'm the only one beholding right now! How'd you like them apples, eh?"
"That'd be the French Midnight here, I'm afraid. Do you really wish to curse someone so adorable? Oh, what am I saying, of course you would, you beautifully mad pony!"
"Yes, the harem outfit! Nothing but the harem outfit! AHAHAHAHAAAAA!"

It is around this time that the young stallion realizes that he can't actually make Midnight cast the spell, so, after an awkward silence, he just starts making 'pew pew' noises and pretending to fire her like an instant haremizer cannon until she gets the hint.

Midnight, who was basically more than a little stunned at being hauled around like she was some sort of pony bazooka, blinks slightly. A bit of a sly look on her face, and she leans down, looking at Talespinner.

"I'm not your bazooka, and I'm not fooled by whatever false authority you're trying to intimidate me with. So...what can you possibly give me to make me cast this spell on him? Or, you know, not cast it on you?"

Mask: "That's not a real expression! That's the opposite of a real expression! The opposite of four or five real expressions!"

Mask: *Sigh* Hi Midnight. Glad to see you're at least trying to extract a price from the removal of my dignity.

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Sexy.

Mask: Hate you forever. There's no way that should have worked.

Talespinner grins, and it's the kind of grin that you just know is filed away as 'ridiculously cheeky grin #21' in his head. There's no way he's not grinning so cheekily on purpose.

"Can't blame a colt for trying, right? I mean, if you really were a magical haremizing bazooka, that would be pretty sweet. I'd promise to only use your powers for GREAT JUSTICE, and suchlike. Buuuut that's like telling a filly you're only interested in her body, so I'll skip right past that and tell you that you should zap Metal Mask with your magic harem ray because it would be hilarious.

Come on. You know you want to. Nopony makes a spell like that just for upright, clean living. Magic wants to be used. And before you turn your head and zap me, I must tell you that wizard pony over there completely agrees with me when I say that we must zap Metal Mask. He has a wise old beard and everything. You should listen to the wise wizard pony, and to me. Especially to me. Because I'm TALESPINNER, HERO OF EQUESTRIA."

It just arrived in the mail today! Thanks Derpy!

Talespinner carefully sets Midnight back down, but rather pointedly so that she's aimed right at Metal Mask. "So, in summary, do it because it'll be really funny, and doing funny things is never wrong. Ten bits says that mask turns into a veil or something. C'mon, you know you want to, cutie."

"I'll have you know, seductive siren, that I make an expression mean exactly what I want it to mean, nothing more, nothing humina humina humina I can't believe that actually worked..."

Talespinner picks Midnight back up, going 'pew pew' at SiuiS...

Hahaha! Like that's going to do anything again!--

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WHAT THE HAY DID YOU DO?!?!

Aaaaaand this is where we stop for the night. I'm doing that thing, where each time I try to do a simple doodle, I add more and more detail. The last time this happened, I went from a stick figure comic to a doujinshi over the course of a couple months. I can't afford that time sink. So, no more pictures instead of words thing.

Too much anticipation would kill me. As much as I don't want to be the kind of pony who would lean her hooves gently atop your withers, lean in and whisper in a husky voice, "Razziekins... finish the story or get in The Box.", I really would be happier having a lovely and fun story to read than I would be waiting for it forEVER.*

When your progress seems to grind to a halt, just think of my smiling pony face. Which... I hope is motivation. Is it? I've never tried being a muse before.

... Hayseeds. This is one of the ones I wanted to doodle, and I'm already burnt out...

In the future, I'll do a suitably creepy looking Silver Lining holding a tariffs of frilly lace and barbed wire behind a sweating Raz_Fox in the dark, lit only by his computer monitor.

I don't know whether to be relieved or insulted that Midnight hasn't been aimed at me even once.

well it's not like we've really had time to think about things. I'm still kind of in shock; I haven't worn this skin since I was twelve, and now I can't get out of it!

That Trixie song wound up being my favorite among the round 2 Remix War submissions. With a very close second going to this little ditty, notable for being the thing that finally sold me on Derpy's fanon voice. Prior to hearing this, I hated it. And honestly I'm still loathe to hear her in an episode (it's too squeaky and childish - she wouldn't sound on par with the rest of the adult ponies), but darn it, that pony can rap.

Quoted for future reference.

I have a phobia of using DeviantART in its intended ways, but I am totally watching you, despite not actually "watching" you.

... That's a weird phobia. But ok.*

Every time you don't label these you send 20-40 bronies to the hospital from exposure *grumble*

Well hold on thar, friend. The warning is right there at the start of the thread! That's all we need. If I buy a bag of peanuts, I'll tolerate a 'caution: contains nuts' on the wrapper, but if they brand each nut with a caution sign I'm going to be peeved.

Someone wants to skip the warning label? That's on them.*

(Heck, I don't even play my table-top wargames competatively. I'm just not naturally competative, really. (Don't like sports, not even to watch. Not even Quidditch, aside from the short bursts in the mobies, and that's by far the most entertaining "sport" I've witnessed. Unless you count Pokemon.)

Pokemon is totally a sport.
Hot darn! That makes me an athlete!

All these years...I never thought I'd find a kindred spirit...s-so beautiful...

*a small, hydraulic tear spills out*

I know, right? I like a nice, meandering conquest. Take your time, try out new units. New base layouts. See if you can win with the least upgraded units.

Sometimes it's the small things that really matter in war.

As for the pony topic, am I remembering things incorrectly, or did Blueblood's suit actually cover his flank? If what I remember is correct, what we've been calling his cutie mark may in fact be nothing more than a decoration on his clothing. Implications?

No, he just had a collar and tie. It looked like a white suit though.

*groans* Going to a funeral home for a funeral, and then going suit shopping, all during 40+ C weather with the humidex, is not my idea of a fun way to spend the day.

SiuiS-esc mega-quote post will be incoming. Once I drink enough fluids and stop my brain from overheating.

So how hot is that in dumb American? And wait, where in Canada are you experiencing both heat and humidity? I'm confused; it's like every dirty stereotype about your country and people is a lie...

You're shattering my worldview, mE...

I cannot guarantee that the results will be identical to mine, considering the differing situations. Every situation is unique, and you might end up with some sort of horrible mutant abomination! (Or, you know, something creative.)

Also, that poor pony, don't torture it!



Damn it, why must you stalk everypony in my life!


This...might be the most adorable mental image that I've had all day, and now I'm trying hard not to picture myself as that! Actually, thinking about it, having telekinesis would be incredibly useful in production.



I have a nickname about this now!? *squeak*



She may still start blushing and then turn against you, but, you know, I suppose it's slightly less humiliating being held bazooka style.

Also, that's a question for the ages, ain't it? Right along with the JFK assassination and the Lindbergh baby.

Aaaaaand this is where I lose focus enough to not wanna edit through all of these posts. Weird. That's... Never happened before.

EDIT:

I think by this point I can only imagine you as Harry Potter in a tie in the embrace of a B&B Aquaman.

OhgodofallthethingsIneverneededtoseewhydidyoudothi stome!?

It's like that horcrux Harry/Hermione scene only Harry is making out with Aquaman and he's blonde so Harry potter is making sweet face love to Canadian Man EsperDerek

I am also imagining Esper this way now, except that he's still Midnight

Celestia's Plot how did you make that WORSE?!

^1,000,000

-

Alright. Almost lost all this in a freak copy/paste accident. Luckily eah program has it's own undo function... So I'm obviously not up to snuff. I'm tired, I'm wired, and I'm now a hot chick. I'm not as able to bounce back as I was a couple years ago... So I'll pick up where I left off later, Methinks.

Fun fact: my diet consists mostly of coffee. Exactly 16 ounces, five seconds of free-pour sugar at 4 mm wide stream maximum, and 8 ounces whole milk. So I have a balanced calorie, protein fat and carbohydrate intake because I'm a coffee addict. Gallon of milk lasts 3-4 days, because I ration it.
Downside is even on decaf, enough will wind you up and let you fly.

[the_druid_droid]

Celestia's Plot how did you make that WORSE?!

This might be my new favorite curse...it's like a surreal version of 'Swounds...

[Lix Lorn]

Why, I see you as the Great and Powerful Lixie, of course. No physical description would be adequate.

Also, hi! You haven't been on much.

Sort of like Galadriel when she goes crazy-mode on seeing the Ring. Except you're a Dark Orchid unicorn. And it's not the Ring, it's the Ship Note.

Awwwww.
I'mma gonna go hide now.

[Mystic Muse]

I associate you with your pony avatar Lix. As far as I'm concerned, that's you.


If I ever meet you, I will be disappointed to learn you are not actually your avatar.

[Lix Lorn]

Um. Sorry?

[TheAmishPirate]

It's comforting to know that anypony here who meets me in real life will be expecting to see an insane earth pony who looks like a scruffy pirate. I'm pretty sure I can only go up from there.

[Kyouhen]

Indeed.

Also, my suggestion for the Hippogrif's cutie mark to be giant robot piloting related wasn't completely sarcastic. How many Gundam series protagonists go on about how they want peace, why can't we all just get along, etc? Just about all of them... Except Domon.

How many of them have berserk buttons, or tempers? All of them.

How many of them don't do well in social situations for most/all of their series? At least 50% of them.

Almost seems like being a peace loving, loner with a temper is a prerequisite.

As I said, make her a sheriff or a mercenary. She gets her peace and gets to hit things that aren't giving her peace.

[the_druid_droid]

It's comforting to know that anypony here who meets me in real life will be expecting to see an insane earth pony who looks like a scruffy pirate. I'm pretty sure I can only go up from there.

Not true!

I also expect you to be wearing an Amish-style hat!

[TheAmishPirate]

Not true!

I also expect you to be wearing an Amish-style hat!

Daaang, I momentarily forgot. I don't think any of my current headgear is awesome enough. This must be fixed! To the nearest haberdasher! Awayyyyyyyyyy!

(Fun fact: I have yet to find the hat that can actually fit my head/hair. Currently seeking a fez, they show promise.)

[the_druid_droid]

(Fun fact: I have yet to find the hat that can actually fit my head/hair. Currently seeking a fez, they show promise.)

I feel your pain...best of luck in your hat-based inquiries.

[erikun]

ALSO- The Work in progress: Ponyard's story. Fixed obvious errors and added length and detail to it.

As I mentioned in Google Docs, the story reads well enough. I'm not getting a clear sense of direction from it yet, likely due to still setting things up at this point. I would hope that the first proper "chapter" gives a better indicator of where the story will be headed, though.

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First, I'm not sure how well someone with limited magic would be able to "weaving together a thick rope". I'm no expert, but am under the impression that putting together rope is a fairly time-consuming and difficult task, certainly not something I'd expect a youngster with limited telekinesis to do in a few minutes. Braiding together vines to form a makeshift rope seems just fine, though.

I am a bit confused as to where the rope-vines are set up. There was a trip-wire along the ground, and and the rest were tied around the treetops? If he needed to run through his own trap, then he'd need to avoid his own trip-wire.

People in tense or time-short situations generally don't monologue to themselves. It tends to break the pacing. Rather than having Ponyard spend a minute telling us what the trap does and finishing with "and it worked", perhaps just spell out what happens when the manticore falls into the trap.

For something that was tearing apart trees easily, having a few trees fall on it seems unusually effective. I could certainly see it being pinned and tied up, but not "buried under a Ton of rotting tree". I doubt Ponyard managed to rope together that many trees. Also, Ton does not need to be capitalized.

“However!” His father broke in...

This paragraph doesn't get the attitude across very well. Is Ponyard's father overjoyed? Annoyed? Begrudgingly accepting? If he's happy, he should be smiling and perhaps giving a pat on the back. Also, for someone so "happy" he sure seemed stotic earlier.

What were his "special talents" that kept him from regular schooling? If this is supposed to be when Mother Kipling first discovered his illusions, then he'd still be in school. If she already knew, then you should give that reason for them pulling him from school.

Why is a unicorn taking physical combat training? That seems rather unusual, and I think you'd want to highlight that point. Also,

“These rocks are coming from somewhere…Disable whatever is hurling them at me; I end training early, and I’m harder to hit the more I move.”

This seems like a thought or recollection of an earlier conversation, not something that Ponyard or Father is saying at the time. It should be italized, as a thought in that case.

I wouldn't be too discouraged from the length of this list. A lot of them are just asking for clarification, or technical nitpics. (Critiquing on making rope? Really?) Anyways, like I said before, it reads well enough. My main critique is that we don't have a clear direction for it yet.

[Rebelhero]

Try Fedoras. Fedoras seem to look good on just about anyone!

[SiuiS]

Criminy. Think I'm rather dehydrated. There must be something different about my gallon of coffee today... Weird.

You're mad! Mad!

Bah. Insanity only applies when you're expected to obey the paradigms in the first place.

Also, aye. It was an endeavor alright. I think... I think I'd have to either A) continue with the thread past a certain point (or just save the ones worth a picture for a massive quote nuke) or B) be okay with missing a full two-three days of thread.

I didn't honk my position through, and though it feels like about thirty seconds, that last picture took like 15 minutes. And it's m own damn fault for combining my many loves of the art world; myself, females and ponies. Ugh.

Why don't I try and think before I act?!

Djinni Stuff

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Well, I suppose theoretically if you were spontaneously to become a unicorn who was talented enough in magic to be able to cast the spell, and then somehow learn the spell from the only pony who knows it-that would be me-then I suppose it's theoretically possible.

Oh, it's a good thing I'm not irked and you haven't set off the spell at least eight times in he last few minutes while I've been sitting here silently, watching.

...

* K-HAREM *

And that thing where you get the odd socks and find the ones which look most similar to one another or at least look good together is a crack pairing! Perfect sense!

Ugh. I hate those crack pairings! I'm crazy anal about matching my socks- by fiber, weave, length, amount of wear, and dye batch.

Thanks!

I actually like that a lot. So I'd take brony or pegasis. :3

Yeah, pagasis is pretty cool. I'd be jealous, except now we'd get a bunch of controversy over how to pluralize it. Pegasisters? Pegasese?

@Harem stuff:
Is it at all odd that I've been picturing Metal Mask with a chain mail veil due to this?

Aww man! Great! Now I'm doing it.
Stupid sexy misrepresented Byzantines.

Indeed.

Also, my suggestion for the Hippogrif's cutie mark to be giant robot piloting related wasn't completely sarcastic. How many Gundam series protagonists go on about how they want peace, why can't we all just get along, etc? Just about all of them... Except Domon.

How many of them have berserk buttons, or tempers? All of them.

How many of them don't do well in social situations for most/all of their series? At least 50% of them.

Almost seems like being a peace loving, loner with a temper is a prerequisite.

Thats... Actually kind of frightening.

Daaang, I momentarily forgot. I don't think any of my current headgear is awesome enough. This must be fixed! To the nearest haberdasher! Awayyyyyyyyyy!

(Fun fact: I have yet to find the hat that can actually fit my head/hair. Currently seeking a fez, they show promise.)

Try a purely custom job. It's expensive, but you get what you pay for.

-

mE, fix this would you? Being a 16 year old girl is weird.
oh horsefeathers. Can only be broken by a non-Djinni?

...

Alright, Manticore's Sting! Arm the cannons! Rain Down Hell!
*duck-and-cover's*

[Kris Strife]

Thats... Actually kind of frightening.

The Droid Stooges or the Giant Robot piloting Hippogrif?

[Rebelhero]

As I mentioned in Google Docs, the story reads well enough. I'm not getting a clear sense of direction from it yet, likely due to still setting things up at this point. I would hope that the first proper "chapter" gives a better indicator of where the story will be headed, though.

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First, I'm not sure how well someone with limited magic would be able to "weaving together a thick rope". I'm no expert, but am under the impression that putting together rope is a fairly time-consuming and difficult task, certainly not something I'd expect a youngster with limited telekinesis to do in a few minutes. Braiding together vines to form a makeshift rope seems just fine, though.

I am a bit confused as to where the rope-vines are set up. There was a trip-wire along the ground, and and the rest were tied around the treetops? If he needed to run through his own trap, then he'd need to avoid his own trip-wire.

People in tense or time-short situations generally don't monologue to themselves. It tends to break the pacing. Rather than having Ponyard spend a minute telling us what the trap does and finishing with "and it worked", perhaps just spell out what happens when the manticore falls into the trap.

For something that was tearing apart trees easily, having a few trees fall on it seems unusually effective. I could certainly see it being pinned and tied up, but not "buried under a Ton of rotting tree". I doubt Ponyard managed to rope together that many trees. Also, Ton does not need to be capitalized.


This paragraph doesn't get the attitude across very well. Is Ponyard's father overjoyed? Annoyed? Begrudgingly accepting? If he's happy, he should be smiling and perhaps giving a pat on the back. Also, for someone so "happy" he sure seemed stotic earlier.

What were his "special talents" that kept him from regular schooling? If this is supposed to be when Mother Kipling first discovered his illusions, then he'd still be in school. If she already knew, then you should give that reason for them pulling him from school.

Why is a unicorn taking physical combat training? That seems rather unusual, and I think you'd want to highlight that point. Also,

This seems like a thought or recollection of an earlier conversation, not something that Ponyard or Father is saying at the time. It should be italized, as a thought in that case.

I wouldn't be too discouraged from the length of this list. A lot of them are just asking for clarification, or technical nitpics. (Critiquing on making rope? Really?) Anyways, like I said before, it reads well enough. My main critique is that we don't have a clear direction for it yet.

Yes this is just the introduction, i plan to throw in a time skip of a few months to a year, then end the introduction with the beginning of the plot.

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First, I'm not sure how well someone with limited magic would be able to "weaving together a thick rope". I'm no expert, but am under the impression that putting together rope is a fairly time-consuming and difficult task, certainly not something I'd expect a youngster with limited telekinesis to do in a few minutes. Braiding together vines to form a makeshift rope seems just fine, though.

This was something i took a bit of liberty with, i wanted to get across that he was a fast learner and quick thinker. and while he didnt have enough magic power to take on the manticore head first, he was able to move objects well enough to twist some vines together.

I am a bit confused as to where the rope-vines are set up. There was a trip-wire along the ground, and and the rest were tied around the treetops? If he needed to run through his own trap, then he'd need to avoid his own trip-wire. People in tense or time-short situations generally don't monologue to themselves. It tends to break the pacing. Rather than having Ponyard spend a minute telling us what the trap does and finishing with "and it worked", perhaps just spell out what happens when the manticore falls into the trap.

For something that was tearing apart trees easily, having a few trees fall on it seems unusually effective. I could certainly see it being pinned and tied up, but not "buried under a Ton of rotting tree". I doubt Ponyard managed to rope together that many trees. Also, Ton does not need to be capitalized.

Yeah, he know where the trip wire was, so he just went around it.
His explaining of the trap was something i had added in later after someone else wondered what happened, how he came up with the plan and such.
as for the manticore being buried, thats something i should fix up. The trees would subdue/ knock out/down the manticore, but the vines tangled under the manticore and a dozen fallen trees would give him enough time to escape.

This paragraph doesn't get the attitude across very well. Is Ponyard's father overjoyed? Annoyed? Begrudgingly accepting? If he's happy, he should be smiling and perhaps giving a pat on the back. Also, for someone so "happy" he sure seemed stotic earlier.

He didnt want to see like the bad guy. he was worried about Ponyard, but was surprised that he was able to come up with a plan quickly. Im thinking of altering this part of the story. Ponyards plan worked TOO well for like a 7 year old. (human years)

What were his "special talents" that kept him from regular schooling? If this is supposed to be when Mother Kipling first discovered his illusions, then he'd still be in school. If she already knew, then you should give that reason for them pulling him from school.

Ill explain this in the story.

Why is a unicorn taking physical combat training? That seems rather unusual, and I think you'd want to highlight that point. Also,

This seems like a thought or recollection of an earlier conversation, not something that Ponyard or Father is saying at the time. It should be italized, as a thought in that case.

His parents are training him for survival in the wilds.
And that part he was talking to himself out loud.

-sigh- im going to spend FOREVER just writing the dang intro!

[SiuiS]

The Droid Stooges or the Giant Robot piloting Hippogrif?

the template for EVERY GUNDAM PILOT EVER. It's... Funny that I never noticed that. Stupid gundam. Having obvious parallels I didn't catch. harumph.