Personal Woes and Advice 2

[Dimonite]

So I've been avoiding telling people this, but the forum just seems... safe. Anyway, ever since I came to college, I've been having nightmares on a semi-regular basis. Not run-of-the-mill, chased-by-a-giant-boot kind of nightmares, but the visceral-get-possessed-and-slaughter-everyone-you-care-about kind of nightmares. I've been able to handle it so far, but in the past couple of weeks it's gotten worse. I'm to the point where I'm almost afraid to sleep, and I'm waking up four or five times a night in a cold sweat. And I don't know what to do or who to talk to, so I figured I'd talk to you guys because you're awesome and for some reason easier to tell these things to than my IRL friends. Help?

[rogueboy]

So I've been avoiding telling people this, but the forum just seems... safe. Anyway, ever since I came to college, I've been having nightmares on a semi-regular basis. Not run-of-the-mill, chased-by-a-giant-boot kind of nightmares, but the visceral-get-possessed-and-slaughter-everyone-you-care-about kind of nightmares. I've been able to handle it so far, but in the past couple of weeks it's gotten worse. I'm to the point where I'm almost afraid to sleep, and I'm waking up four or five times a night in a cold sweat. And I don't know what to do or who to talk to, so I figured I'd talk to you guys because you're awesome and for some reason easier to tell these things to than my IRL friends. Help?

Glad to hear you feel this is a safe place. That is the goal!

Unfortunately, this is something that you probably need to talk to a professional about, since it sounds like it's a psychological thing going on, and we can't give that kind of advice on here. What we can do is commiserate with you, and provide support while you're dealing with things.

On the plus side, you're in college. Typically, that means you have access to on-campus, free professional help through the counseling center. I highly encourage you to seek them out, as the entire situation seems to be taking a significant toll on you. The sooner you get some help on figuring out what's going on and how to fix it, the better your entire college career (and future) will go.

[Archpaladin Zousha]

And now, like before, my mother's angrily trashed any confidence I might have built here. She barged into my room and told me how her reputation at the school she works at is ruined because her son screwed up at the simplest of jobs. She went on to say how her father told her that children are a reflection of their parents and how she NEVER did anything to ever embarass him in her life.

Then she went on to say that because of her upbringing, her autistic brothers, her sister with cerebral palsy, and her crazy mother, in addition to her fibromyalgia and her diabetes, she was heading for an early grave. And she said that she'd be happy to die because of how much of a failure she'd be, for thinking that a college degree, a house and kids would erase the stigma of the family that made her life a living hell. That if we could just get college degrees we'd be successful and make her look good as well.

She also scolded me because I bought a new computer and chair with money from that job. They suggested the idea to me because "I was doing so good at my Reading Corps job," when in reality I was lying to them because I was on the way to failure and wasted all that money that SHOULD have gone to paying my college loans. In her opinion, every single solitary CENT of that money should have gone to loans. It's evident now that until my college loans are gone I'll never have peace from her.

She said she's an occupational therapist and she doesn't understand why I can't compartmentalize my obsessions the way she teaches other autistic children to. That I have to walk around with a pencil in my hand all the time, which looks weird, instead of keeping it at a separate time and place, keeping it hidden. And she reiterated how she'd broken her back to get money for me to get a college degree that I wasted if I'm going to be a cashier for the rest of my life (my other job that I mentioned I still have is at a Panera Bread).

She left the room saying how she'd love to die because then she wouldn't be able to feel the pain anymore of everyone knowing she had a failure for a son.

[WarKitty]

Normal mothers do NOT regularly get mad and use all their "sacrifices" to browbeat their children.


...

I'm going to repeat that:

Normal mothers do NOT regularly get mad and use all their "sacrifices" to browbeat their children.

You got that? Read my letter to my family a few posts back. I get the same thing. My family pays my medical bills and some other stuff. That's part of my problem - my mother thinks her investment in me means she gets to say and do anything she wants. Especially guilt-trips about how bad my choices make her feel. Your life is not about your mother. I would talk to whatever mental health professionals you have about getting you on the road to independence. Outside mental health professionals - not her, no matter what she does. There's a reason therapists don't see their family members. Your first priority is you, not her, no matter what she does.

[Archpaladin Zousha]

Normal mothers do NOT regularly get mad and use all their "sacrifices" to browbeat their children.


...

I'm going to repeat that:

Normal mothers do NOT regularly get mad and use all their "sacrifices" to browbeat their children.

You got that? Read my letter to my family a few posts back. I get the same thing. My family pays my medical bills and some other stuff. That's part of my problem - my mother thinks her investment in me means she gets to say and do anything she wants. Especially guilt-trips about how bad my choices make her feel. Your life is not about your mother. I would talk to whatever mental health professionals you have about getting you on the road to independence. Outside mental health professionals - not her, no matter what she does. There's a reason therapists don't see their family members. Your first priority is you, not her, no matter what she does.

To which she'd probably retort that she's not a normal mother because everyone else does a better job of raising children than her. And repeat that tired old chestnut that she's judged by how her children behave, so now her name is mud at work because EVERYONE in the school district knows she's got a screw-up son who can't hold a job.

[WarKitty]

To which she'd probably retort that she's not a normal mother because everyone else does a better job of raising children than her. And repeat that tired old chestnut that she's judged by how her children behave, so now her name is mud at work because EVERYONE in the school district knows she's got a screw-up son who can't hold a job.

Oh, I wouldn't tell her that. But my point is what you should do. And what you should do is tell everything that you've said here, including what she said, to one or more qualified independent mental health professionals. Without worrying about her, because it's your life, no matter how the bills get paid.

[Archpaladin Zousha]

I can't get an appointment with my psychiatrist until May 21st!

EDIT: Well, I've had a successful morning. I went to the company I used to work for for a recruiting event. They told me I didn't even need to fill out the entire application, since they still had everything on file and that they'd contact me about upcoming projects next week, virtually an instant hire.

But what was REALLY good was the nice long talk I had with my dad on the way home. I told him the stuff I've said here. And you know what he said? "You're right." He agreed with me that what she did was wrong, though he thought it wasn't a good idea for me to argue with her because she simply wouldn't listen, as he learned the hard way.

I feel better now. My dad is a wise man. He actually agreed that the sooner I can live on my own, the happier I'd be. He agrees with you guys that I've taken the right steps.

[celtois]

Not a major issue. But anyone have any links/advice for improving a bad attitude?

I seem to also brood and be bitter about situations and like to make an effort to change that. I've been poking around for links and such on my own, but figured I'd drop in here see if anyone had anything they'd recommend.

[dehro]

Not a major issue. But anyone have any links/advice for improving a bad attitude?

I seem to also brood and be bitter about situations and like to make an effort to change that. I've been poking around for links and such on my own, but figured I'd drop in here see if anyone had anything they'd recommend.

uhm.. define bad attitude.
it can mean a score of things
advice off the top of my head: mind your manners as if you were talking and acting towards your granny at all times, don't talk back to people and try to enjoy the little things in life.
take an hour every day to do fun stuff, distract yourself from whatever issue is making you broody.. generally do stuff that for YOU have the power to alter your mood in a positive way, be it working out, watching kitten on youtube, reading a book, re-watching a movie you liked.. listening to stand up comedy, having ice-cream or whatever else... as long as it makes you laugh and forget yourself for a couple of minutes every day. too many people underestimate the healing/uplifting power of laughter.

[celtois]

Sorry.
You're right. I should have defined bad attitude better.
By bad attitude I meant, I have a tendency to dwell on even slightly negative events and negative/pessimistic possibilities for the future.

A beggar asks me for change, and I go on a mental self righteous rant about how annoying that is. How inconvenient. Which makes me on edge and grumpy for an hour or so.

A friend makes a careless remark that I take the wrong way, and sooner or later I get to thinking about it. Running over in my head, what it means, what I could have done differently. Over and over, until I'm on edge and grumpy.

I waste an hour browsing my favourite websites, and next thing I know I've got a barrage of mental chastisement about how I'm not working hard enough, how my hobbies are worthless wastes of time, and sooner or latter what was supposed to be relaxing has me in a bad mood.

The worst part is I can tell when I start getting into these negative thought patterns, but making an active effort to think about other things on provides temporary relief, because the thoughts that start a given negative thought pattern won't go away.

Its obviously something I can live with. But if I can find a way to change it. I would like to, it is having an adverse impact on my quality of life, and my ability to appreciate what I do have.

So yeah. How do I accomplish optimism (break negative thought patterns (what I was referring to by bad attitude)) is the real question I guess.

[Yora]

I've something where I'm wondering if anyone of you fine people might have something helpful to say:

One of my new roommates has ADD like me, but also is borderliner as well. He seems reasonably well adjusted from what I've seen the past weeks and so far has only been a bit "tourett-ish" at some occasions. Occassionally calling people bad names in rather ordinary conversations and on days he's feeling particularly frustrated he tends to mutter and curse to himself in his room at night. He's aware of that and seems to be quite rational about it all when he is more relaxed. I can handle that just fine and being of similar age and having my own troubly with my ADD, we have some kind of common understanding.

Now from what I looked up, borderliner people tend to react very poorly to being confronted offensively and to being patronized. I tend to withdraw and weasel out in such situations rather than getting agressive, but my emotional reaction to such situations does appear rather inappropriately stong to me myself. I also studied intercultural communications for some years where we got it constantly hammered in our heads not to take words and intonation at the same value as we would use them. I think this likely helps considerably in not taking any outbursts personally and I believe we're probably going to get along just fine.
Things I've read are to be understanding without being patronizing and avoiding to blame problems and conflicts to the person. I can do that.

But now he's also a bit of a slob like me and the kitchen always is a mess. From my own life with ADD, I know that it could be quite beneficial for both of us to encourage cleaning up the apartment together. Getting started with something is always the hardest part, but it's always very easy for me to do something if the initiative comes from someone else.
However, since borderliners seem to also have a tendency to get overly attached, I really don't want to become his "new best friend". That's something that I can deal with very poorly. I'm staying here only for half a year until I can find a place for myself in this new city, so isolating myself and keeping our interaction to "benevolent ignorance" is certainly an option for me. And if in doubt, that's what I would chose to do.
But does anyone have any knowledge or experience with being supportive to a borderliner person without getting too close? If there is a good chance it can be done, I'd rather do that.

[Sholos]

Excuse my ignorance, but what is a "borderliner"?

[Mx.Silver]

Excuse my ignorance, but what is a "borderliner"?

I suspect it's someone with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).

[Lorsa]

A borderliner I suppose is a person suffering from borderline, a personality disorder. Generally these kind of people are very difficult to interact with socially and requires a lot of patience from the surroundings. From what I can remember, they tend to see things in white and black only. And they can move quite fast from one extreme to the other with basis of only one action. They have trouble to look at things in perspective. So you might be best friends for years and then suddenly you forget to call on his / her birthday and now you're the most horrible person in the world. It makes it difficult to keep relationships and people will start to (rightfully) avoid you. One of my sisters have had some borderline symptoms.

As for advice on living together, I works like all other relationships. You need to sit down and talk about your expectations and what you want to get out of living together and then come up with a solution on how to act around the place that you all can agree on.

[WarKitty]

Speaking of roommates...I have a problem. Simply put, one of my roommates seems intent on "getting back at me" for various offenses. Some of the complaints are legitimate, some aren't. The thing is, I never heard much about any of these complaints until she got mad and started trying to get at me. The main issues seem to be about neatness and quietness. I admit I could use some work on neatness, but I need something more than "clean this entire house up, it's a disaster" to go on - especially since she's indicated once or twice that her standards of clean are far, far higher than mine. The noise, which seems to be the main issue, is at this point just something she's going to have to live with.

The problem is there seems to be absolutely no way I can figure out to communicate with her. She doesn't express complaints at any time - typically responding to questions with "it's fine." When she's angry she's expressed various comments indicating that she believes I already know I shouldn't be doing the things that bother her, and am choosing to do them out of disrespect for her. She's also shown that she's extremely proud of how she "never said anything" for several months, appearing baffled why her two American roommates didn't recognize this (problem roommate is chinese).

She's taken to a wide range of passive-aggressive attempts to annoy me and my other roommate. Aside from one notable incident, most of them have pretty much failed. A lot of these appear to be her attempts at indicating what she doesn't like.

I'm at a loss. I'm worried if she figures out her stunts aren't working she'll try to do something else. I really don't want to move, cheap places are in very short supply around here and I'm getting a cat - current place is pet-friendly, most rental places are not. She said she's moving out when our current lease expires, but that's not until August.

[Yora]

Chinese you say? Well, damn...

Nothing racist about this, it's just that Chinese and Western ways to handle such situations are particularly different, and these are issues that need to be handled delicately in any culture of communication. Even if we might think such things can be talked out easily, there's a lot of fine details that are very important for things to not blow up. We just have internalized them so much that we are usually even unable to name them. And of course that goes for people who are used to different patterns as well.
Unfortunately, I'm not familiar with Chinese customs in this situation specifically. However, these are exactly the type of situations I've done in classes for several years. And by far the most important thing to remember is: "Do not assume she's a bitch and does things to spite you." Of course, there is always a possibility that this is the case, but in practice it is far more often the case that it just appears that way because you are unable to read each others attention. As I said, there's a whole branch of science didicated to only these issues.

All I can suggest, and it's really just a suggestion with no clue if it's actually good, would be to try to start again and say that you are sorry that you unknowingly offended. And then ask if there is anything specifically that you could do that would make things easier for her.
Generally, East Asian culture avoids open confrontation. Of course there is still confrontation, but people try to do it more "softly" by making some hints that something "would be good". You don't say "I want" that much. Unfortunately, you really can only know these hints if you're a native and I'm quite sure she's really trying to get the message across without saying "You did X, I hate that!". To western sensibilities it may seem like inappropriately groveling or begging, but I think you might get good results by starting with an appology and phrasing things in a way that does not make an accusation towards the other person or giving her blame for anything. In European languages you can be rather blunt in voicing complaints without the other party being much offended and accepting their genuine errors. In East Asian languages it just doesn't work that way. If you start like that, it's not a negotiation but more like angry ranting.

Alternatively, you could consider adding a neutral party. Someone you both know reasonably well but is not involved in the conflict. I'm going on vague memory on a class I had years ago, but I think that's not an uncommon thing in East Asia to have a proxy to relay criticism as he can talk more openly since any complaint is not directed at him nor comming from him. If you could get another Chinese person, that would be especially helpful.
Hope this helps a bit.

[WarKitty]

Spoiler

Show

Chinese you say? Well, damn...

Nothing racist about this, it's just that Chinese and Western ways to handle such situations are particularly different, and these are issues that need to be handled delicately in any culture of communication. Even if we might think such things can be talked out easily, there's a lot of fine details that are very important for things to not blow up. We just have internalized them so much that we are usually even unable to name them. And of course that goes for people who are used to different patterns as well.
Unfortunately, I'm not familiar with Chinese customs in this situation specifically. However, these are exactly the type of situations I've done in classes for several years. And by far the most important thing to remember is: "Do not assume she's a bitch and does things to spite you." Of course, there is always a possibility that this is the case, but in practice it is far more often the case that it just appears that way because you are unable to read each others attention. As I said, there's a whole branch of science didicated to only these issues.

All I can suggest, and it's really just a suggestion with no clue if it's actually good, would be to try to start again and say that you are sorry that you unknowingly offended. And then ask if there is anything specifically that you could do that would make things easier for her.
Generally, East Asian culture avoids open confrontation. Of course there is still confrontation, but people try to do it more "softly" by making some hints that something "would be good". You don't say "I want" that much. Unfortunately, you really can only know these hints if you're a native and I'm quite sure she's really trying to get the message across without saying "You did X, I hate that!". To western sensibilities it may seem like inappropriately groveling or begging, but I think you might get good results by starting with an appology and phrasing things in a way that does not make an accusation towards the other person or giving her blame for anything. In European languages you can be rather blunt in voicing complaints without the other party being much offended and accepting their genuine errors. In East Asian languages it just doesn't work that way. If you start like that, it's not a negotiation but more like angry ranting.

Alternatively, you could consider adding a neutral party. Someone you both know reasonably well but is not involved in the conflict. I'm going on vague memory on a class I had years ago, but I think that's not an uncommon thing in East Asia to have a proxy to relay criticism as he can talk more openly since any complaint is not directed at him nor comming from him. If you could get another Chinese person, that would be especially helpful.
Hope this helps a bit

.

My worry is at this point I'd like to be able to resolve things, but I don't want to give any indication that her behavior is at all acceptable. (Sorry, but throwing my stuff everywhere because you're mad is not acceptable in any culture. Neither is lying about it.) My impression is that (1) she's decided that I'm doing things deliberately to spite her, or at least ignoring her clearly expressed wishes, and (2) considers that her behavior is completely justified because of this. It's compounded by the fact that I think we have very different ideas of "reasonable" - I don't know if it's cultural or what there. The house is a mess by any standards - I know that. But the noise? She seems to think it's completely crazy that me and the other roommate stay up until 2 or 3 am, even though we wake her up. And there's been a couple of other things - it seems like she's blaming me for everything that goes wrong around here, including not calling in household repairs to the landlord or things that fell over that I didn't notice right away.

[Grinner]

Appending to Yora's sensible advice, I'd like to direct your attention to this article. Point #1, specifically.

[TaiLiu]

Appending to Yora's sensible advice, I'd like to direct your attention to this article. Point #1, specifically.

Hm. What does point one say?

[Grinner]

It describes the practical intricacies of ke qi, albeit in Cracked's usual fashion. I thought it would be helpful background to the non-communication problem.

[TaiLiu]

It describes the practical intricacies of ke qi, albeit in Cracked's usual fashion. I thought it would be helpful background to the non-communication problem.

Ah. That would be helpful information, yes.

[HalfTangible]

Some of you might remember me making a list of various greivances I had with my father. (ftr, that list just had SOME of the greivances that I could remember, and others have occurred since then) I've come to a conclusion in the 3 or 4 months since then.

I'm not just angry with him. I hate him. I hate him so ****ing much. Every time I think of him my blood boils and I start thinking about fights with him. If I die young I don't want him at my funeral.

I don't want to hate him - the guy is my dad, and lives in the same friggen house as me, it's not like getting angry with him is conducive to... well, anything, really. Right now I'm just trying to put up with him until I get out of this house. But I've been angry on a near-consistent basis with him for over a year now, so it's not going away.

[TaiLiu]

Some of you might remember me making a list of various greivances I had with my father. (ftr, that list just had SOME of the greivances that I could remember, and others have occurred since then) I've come to a conclusion in the 3 or 4 months since then.

I'm not just angry with him. I hate him. I hate him so ****ing much. Every time I think of him my blood boils and I start thinking about fights with him. If I die young I don't want him at my funeral.

I don't want to hate him - the guy is my dad, and lives in the same friggen house as me, it's not like getting angry with him is conducive to... well, anything, really. Right now I'm just trying to put up with him until I get out of this house. But I've been angry on a near-consistent basis with him for over a year now, so it's not going away.

Oh, dear.

Have you divined the source of your hatred? Does your father know that you hate him?

[Lorsa]

@Warkitty:

Find a book about constructive communication within relationships and give it to her. Yes cultures are different but good communication is the same.

There are some basic things that is good for everyone such as never accuse anyone of anything, don't use value judgements (or any judgements for that matter). You say how certain things makes you feel or what you prefer and would like. Then you LISTEN to the other party (capitalized for importance) and try to understand their view. Then you both try to come up with solutions to the problem that you can both accept. Only rarely are wishes so mutually exclusive that you have to go separate ways (because often when you learn and understand what the other person feels, your own wants becomes less important).

I have a tendency not to listen to people who don't communicate properly. For example "You're such a slob!" is a statement that just tells me the other person is a jerk. "I don't like it when the house is messy" is something I can respond to (and again, if the person isn't interested in listening to ME then they are back to the jerk box). Someone who is passive aggressive I could never live with. Or openly aggressive. Really, aggressive behavior is a big no-no.

Anyway, not sure this helps but you really need to establish some form of communication protocol. How do you solve conflicts? That's the #1 and most important thing to discuss with anyone who will ever live with.

As a last comment though. Noise at 2 am is something I would never agree to either. Sleep deprevation is horrible and if you have to go up in the morning regularly (for whatever reason) then it needs to be quiet. Sweden even has laws about the amount of noise you can make late at night. It's about respecting other people and there's no reason whatsoever to make a lot of noise that late. If you are talking, sit in a room where the sound won't spread and whisper. If you are watching a movie, use headphones. There is a reason why sleep deprivation is used as torture. If someone failed to respect this that I lived with I would become aggressive too (openly so).

[WarKitty]

@Warkitty:

Find a book about constructive communication within relationships and give it to her. Yes cultures are different but good communication is the same.

There are some basic things that is good for everyone such as never accuse anyone of anything, don't use value judgements (or any judgements for that matter). You say how certain things makes you feel or what you prefer and would like. Then you LISTEN to the other party (capitalized for importance) and try to understand their view. Then you both try to come up with solutions to the problem that you can both accept. Only rarely are wishes so mutually exclusive that you have to go separate ways (because often when you learn and understand what the other person feels, your own wants becomes less important).

I have a tendency not to listen to people who don't communicate properly. For example "You're such a slob!" is a statement that just tells me the other person is a jerk. "I don't like it when the house is messy" is something I can respond to (and again, if the person isn't interested in listening to ME then they are back to the jerk box). Someone who is passive aggressive I could never live with. Or openly aggressive. Really, aggressive behavior is a big no-no.

Anyway, not sure this helps but you really need to establish some form of communication protocol. How do you solve conflicts? That's the #1 and most important thing to discuss with anyone who will ever live with.

I just have absolutely no idea how to do that anymore. I thought I'd made it clear. But it's like...she's expecting me to get some system I just don't
understand. She's either overly agreeable or outright nasty in conversations, no in between. And she thinks repeating herself is an acceptable solution to us not understanding her. I've tried to listen, but I feel like I'm being put in a situation where I'm always at fault no matter what I do.

A s a last comment though. Noise at 2 am is something I would never agree to either. Sleep deprevation is horrible and if you have to go up in the morning regularly (for whatever reason) then it needs to be quiet. Sweden even has laws about the amount of noise you can make late at night. It's about respecting other people and there's no reason whatsoever to make a lot of noise that late. If you are talking, sit in a room where the sound won't spread and whisper. If you are watching a movie, use headphones. There is a reason why sleep deprivation is used as torture. If someone failed to respect this that I lived with I would become aggressive too (openly so).

The thing with noise is that she really does mean absolutely no noise, whatsoever, after 10pm. We're not talking "don't play loud music," we're talking "don't use the stairs, the kitchen, or any sort of plumbing after 10pm." That's...just not happening. Especially since I *know* she's in the same program we are, and we have night classes for crying out loud! Not all of us even can just come home and go to bed right away. Sorry, if you can't handle people moving around the house without waking up, you either need to buy some good earplugs or move out.

[Grytorm]

Hello again, I posted here once before in a sort of vague frustrated blob. But this time I have a bit more of a specific insecurity.

In general I feel isolated. What makes this worse is I fell isolated even on these forums. I don't feel like I can make any sort of major interesting post that people will respond to. I spend a good amount of time reading the League of Legends thread and occasionally post there. But I don't really participate in the discussion, and I don't feel like I really know how. Mostly I'm not looking for advice on this but I felt like letting somebody know and this seemed to be the place.

[TaiLiu]

Hello again, I posted here once before in a sort of vague frustrated blob. But this time I have a bit more of a specific insecurity.

In general I feel isolated. What makes this worse is I fell isolated even on these forums. I don't feel like I can make any sort of major interesting post that people will respond to. I spend a good amount of time reading the League of Legends thread and occasionally post there. But I don't really participate in the discussion, and I don't feel like I really know how. Mostly I'm not looking for advice on this but I felt like letting somebody know and this seemed to be the place.

Ah. Hm. Have you tried posting more? (I'm sorry I can't be of more assistance than that.)

[HalfTangible]

Oh, dear.

Have you divined the source of your hatred? Does your father know that you hate him?

No on both counts. I told mom, but her response was that 'hate is a very strong word'. (In fairness to her, I've used the term rather frivolously before) Mostly, the hate seems to stem from various grievances I've had with him over the years that never got resolved. Heck, there's probably a lot that I don't actually remember, and that list is fairly out of date.

[Grinner]

Ah. Hm. Have you tried posting more? (I'm sorry I can't be of more assistance than that.)

I'd avoid posting for the sake of posting.

Try to involve yourself in threads besides the League of Legends one. The Dwarf Fortress fans seem pretty friendly. You could try getting into one of their succession games.

[TaiLiu]

No on both counts. I told mom, but her response was that 'hate is a very strong word'. (In fairness to her, I've used the term rather frivolously before) Mostly, the hate seems to stem from various grievances I've had with him over the years that never got resolved. Heck, there's probably a lot that I don't actually remember, and that list is fairly out of date.

Perhaps you could tell your father about these grievances, and you two could work those out. You know your father better than I do, though.