More Funny D&D Stories

[Drake2009]

Ok, i got a pretty funny short one here. My group is going into an abandoned house and getting terrified by a ghost mob thingie... We finally calm the monk down and head into the next room. My gnome sees a pool filled with sand, and while everyone is talking about where to go he takes the rogues advice. "ok, im gonna go dig in the sand!" Immediately he gets attacked by a giant bug, which we proceed to take down. As soon as were done i say "well ok then... I'm gonna keep digging!" unfortunately my party dragged me out...

Also, on an unrelated note, i got bit by a rolly polly and have shown signs of bug powers! and this is out of game! cause im insane!!

[FidgetySquirrel]

In my 3rd ever 3.5 campaign, my brother was playing a rogue named Tycho. He convinced the DM to let him take the assassin class w/o changing alignment to evil, since he was deliberately trying to infiltrate an assassin's guild to gather intel for the authorities.

We eventually arrived in a city called Goldhall, or something. The DM described the wizard-guards robes well enough, gold with a scarlet trim. Tycho had learned that the guild, the Blackhawks, were based out of the city, and went looking for them.

He saw a shady fellow turn down an alleyway, and followed. The alley was a dead end, and the man had disappeared. This conversation followed.

Tycho: I take 20 on a search check.

DM: Okay. After a moment you hear someone ask you what you're doing in a rather concerned voice.

Tycho: I turn around.

DM: You see a man in gold robes with a scarlet trim, he says "Well? What are you doing?"

Tycho: "I WISH TO JOIN THE BLACKHAWKS!"

Me: *facepalm* Are you f***ing kidding!?

DM: "Oh, do ya, now? Come with me, then."

Not surprisingly, Tycho got thrown in prison. Then, just as I came up with a convoluted plan to free him, the friggin' blackhawks beat me to it!

[Lord_Nitekon]

Not exactly how funny this will or won't be. It is humorous now that I look back on it.

So the story goes that after an extended run within a dungeon our party is on its way back to town to report its findings, but it still is on a rush from the last battle and wanting more to do. The DM who had nothing planned at the time came up with a brilliant idea that would bane our party for quite some time before it became an old gag. These adventures usually happen between a larger story arc and appeared in several campaign settings.

At the side of the road we see a sign that reads in big bold letters "PIG FARMER NEEDS HELP!" So naturally the party goes to assist with this. It turns out this little old man was having issues with a group of kobolds messing with his pigs and asks us to deal with them. Okay easy we go deal with the kobolds.

Adventure adventure. Look another sign "PIG FARMER NEEDS HELP!"

Same pig farmer. Different problem. Now they are giant kobolds and are messing with his pigs stealing them and what not. We go deal with them and come back get rewarded.

Adventure adventure. There's that sign again.

Now he has issues with Lizard men. Now we begin to see a pattern here. This goes on and on each time it starts with problem X and then next visit it becomes problem X(2). Eventually the pig farmer begins to think we are the problem and every time we show up begins to accuse us of sending the monsters against his farm. At one time he even accused our party Spellcaster of cursing him. The worst part is his farm seemed to move. Not sure how but it always showed up between adventures to mess with us. Each time becoming something trivial to us but life threatening to the farmer and his pigs.

[Fenreed]

I once ran a session in a homebrew system where the party was traveling by airship and were assaulted by buxom sky-pirate ladies (their request). The sky pirates proceeded to fail every DEX check to board their ship and half of them ended up falling to their deaths. Those that did make it over didn't put up much of a fight, but one managed to plant a bomb in the players' ship.

The players' response? Board the pirate ship and commandeer it as their own. I had to totally restructure the plot of the rest of the game, but it was so worth it.

Only one of the sky-bimbos survived this encounter and was later made into a PC who now roams dimensions having other ridiculous accidental adventures.

[Hexapuma]

So I'd just joined a game of Fading Suns playing an Engineer with Psi powers who'd signed on with a Decados noble looking for his father... We were looking for the Decados' father, not mine.

Anyway I'm keeping the Psi powers under wraps as there are some rather fire-happy priests in the Noble's retinue when we begin exploring what appears to be a curious derelict ship with a Honking Great Cannon on the front. It turns out that the ship has been messed with by Sybiote agents who've taken control of the computers. We finally realise this in the engineering section as we notice the engines charging up the main gun's reaction core. We're not sure if the gun's going to blow up and take us and our ship with it or if it's supposed to fire at the Jump-Ring it happens to be pointing at so the Noble instructs me to do something about it and evacuates everyone else from the ship...

So my character's standing there, wondering if he can force the thrusters to fire and swing the gun wide and then fire it, generating a miss, or if he can stop the charging process when I suddenly have a brilliant idea and plunge my character's hands into the guts of the systems. Vis Drain. With enough points, capable of draining the power from a Symbiote World Egg. I rolled a critical success and the gun made like a puppy, rolled over and played dead.

There's no real guidance in the books as to how to roleplay something like that so when the Noble called up on the radio and asked what the hell had happened I had to ad-lib a good lie while acting like I'd just chugged ten double espressos!

This was actually pretty early on in the game. What makes it even funnier is later, I'd become an integral member of the team and we were sneaking up on a castle when we were jumped by a horde of little demonic creatures. I decided to use Vis Storm (I was more-or-less 'Out' by this point) to fry them all but ended up failing and dropping the storm on our own party's heads!

My Psi powers have never worked as well as they did that first time.

[Atnuul]

The very first group I DMed for were all inexperienced players who had never really played a long-running D&D game before, but by the time this story takes place, they were more or less perfect optimizers through their own experience (except the ranger, who managed to suck intensely hard despite being the most experienced).

Cast:
My younger brother, Aratar, a Fighter 4/Barbarian 3/Bear Warrior 2
My best friend, Rilitor, a Cleric 7/ Radiant Servant of Valiar, a homebrew sky-deity
Rinzler, a 9th Sorcerer
Elros, an 8th Ranger

So, they were in a nation of Gnomes who are, humorously, nomadic. They were on a path through the dense tropical forest these Gnomes inhabit when they happened across a group which was preparing to move camp, but some other Gnomes nearby had pillaged the foodstuffs they had intended to use on the move, and asked the party to retrieve them.

They arrive at the rival camp a few miles away, and they scope it out. Turns out the foodstuffs are visible, but guarded by some dozen or more Gnomes with about 4 PC levels each (I had to make this really challenging, else this group would knock it out of the park. For reference, the fighter soloed a CR 6 hydra when he was just Fighter 4/Barb 1, and dropped it in about 4 rounds with minimal damage taken. I have no idea how he did it). The Sorcerer decides that he has a brilliant idea.

Naturally, I have a house rule that states that you can only polymorph someone into a creature you've seen before, as that's only reasonable. However, a level prior, they had encountered a stone giant, and naturally the Sorcerer polymorphs the fighter into one. In less than ten rounds, via fireballs and mad club-swinging and copious amounts of natural 20s (I actually checked my brother's die to make sure it wasn't loaded), they utterly decimate every last gnome present. The stone giant character then scoops up the party in one arm, and goods in another, and the Sorcerer promptly casts Fly on him. He basically goes Iron-Giant and supermans all the way back to the first camp, and after calculating his fly speed, he made it back with precisely one round to spare with his polymorph spell. If that had run out, well, he would have had to drop the group or die.

[euart]

My own funny D&D experience happened when I was first starting out. We had to assassinate this guy because of a war brewing between two factions and we were hired to help bring this province over to one side.

The king of this place needed killing so me, the Ranger, decided I would climb to the balcony and shoot him however I failed completely and I was caught by the guards. Our first plan foiled but never fear we had another one ready.

Our groups leader was decided to try and bluff his way into the kitchens, he failed and was caught.

Our last plan was our two tanks went in broke off two chair legs and bludgeoned him to death.

This was followed by our daring escape which went pretty well over all.

[Ike [Jgraten]]

My own funny D&D experience happened when I was first starting out. We had to assassinate this guy because of a war brewing between two factions and we were hired to help bring this province over to one side.

The king of this place needed killing so me, the Ranger, decided I would climb to the balcony and shoot him however I failed completely and I was caught by the guards. Our first plan foiled but never fear we had another one ready.

Our groups leader was decided to try and bluff his way into the kitchens, he failed and was caught.

Our last plan was our two tanks went in broke off two chair legs and bludgeoned him to death.

This was followed by our daring escape which went pretty well over all.

This is great, I find it extraordinarily funny and rare that you guys had two back up plans too.

[Havelocke]

Several funny stories over two decades of RPG's, college group consisted of several veteran players and two or three newbies. One of the newbies was playing female dwarven fighter type. Group was big, about 8 pc's if I remember right. I cannot remember the rest of the group but the plot was to stop evil necromancer and his army of undead from doing whatever he wanted. Our group set up an ambush in some woods. Casters in the back, my often crazy ranger was up a tree ready to drop down on the necromancer, but we needed a diversion. Our rogue remembered that he had a potion of giant growth from the crazy gnomish alchemist back in town, lets have the female dwarf get huge, and trample the front ranks of the undead horde! While they are doing that, my ranger can leap from his perch and cut down the necromancer, sounded good on paper at least.

Complication 1: I rarely roll over a 10 on a d20, EVER

Complication 2: The potion had an side effect, the character's gear does not turn "giant" with them.

So, the Dwarf drinks the potion, turns into a 30 foot naked female (and VERY embarrassed) dwarf standing in the middle of the road. Since the dwarf "growing" was my cue to attack, I leap (acrobatics check) and fail miserably. I fall out of the tree right in front of the necromancer who ignores me since he is staring slack jawed at a 30 foot naked female dwarf attempting to cover herself and failing miserably. The party could not continue after that, laughter is too infectious.

[tomandtish]

So I’m DMing a game. The party is fighting against a flying ship controlled by an evil mage (back in 2e days). They are losing and down to the party mage and a halfling fighter. Mage casts rope trick to buy some time to try and heal the unconscious party members. Enemy mage is sniping at them from a porthole of the ship.

Halfling: “I’m going to grab the rope and swing into the porthole “.
Me: “That’s going to be pretty difficult”.
Halfling (with a strange look on his face): “Shouldn’t be too hard. I’ll give it a try”.

He rolls a natural 20.

Me: “OK, you swing through the porthole, knocking the mage out of the way. You have initiative, what do you do?”
Halfling (with eyes widening): “I attack”!

Two rounds later, the Halfling has killed the mage and the party is healed up.

As we are walking home that night, the halfling’s player looks over at me and says “So, when I said portal (as in the rope trick), you thought I said porthole?”

I chased him for five blocks, and he’s laughing all the way….

[DontEatRawHagis]

Wizard
Fighter
Thief
Cleric x 2

It should be noted I use Facebook chat to allow players to hide what they do from other players.

Thief: I pick pocket the Fighter (roll 25)
GM(me): Fighter roll perception.
Fighter: okay (roll 21, good enough to see hiding Goblins but not notice the pick pocket)
Gm: you see goblins hiding as snowmen.
Thief: how much?
Gm: 5 gold.

After goblin fight.
Fight: how much do they have?
GM: 5 gold surprisingly you are missing 5 gold.
Fighter: you stole from me! (Point to thief)
Wizard: maybe the goblins are charmed to fill with the gold of the person who killed them.
Fighter: is that possible?
GM: maybe?
Wizard: For the sake of the party let it be true.

[Marlwyn]

Hey Playground. I love reading these threads of funny stories. I'm a long time reader, but finally decided to register so I could share a few of my own stories. *throws them on the pile*

This story happened a while ago in our current campaign. I'm playing a halfling rogue- a young and gullible halfling rogue. (Flik Farstrider) Chaotic good, doesn't have a malicious bone in his body. And I purposefully have kept his Sense Motive skill absolutely zero'd out- no skill in it whatsover, not even any WIS mod bonus. A friend of mine who is playing a human sorcerer (Morpheus), has a character that is... a bit more devious.

So our starting border town is in the middle of getting invaded by the neighboring country. They're coming in with airships. Our party, wanting to help defend the town, rushes towards the city center where some of the airships made a beeline to. Hiding in an alleyway we find an airship hovering above an open square, with quite a few guards about- more than we think we can handle at our level. From the airship are ropes dangling down, that the enemy troops used to come down to the ground. It looks like most of the enemy are inside the city headquarters, and the airship is relatively vulnerable. We decide we want to try and steal the airship, to either use against the invaders or to get out of there, so Morpheus comes up with an idea.

Morpheus: *rolls a slieight of hand check to steal an empty sack from Flik* *succeeds and Flik doesn't notice*
Morpheus: *casts Alter Self, so he looks like the enemy guards standing in the open area*
Morpheus: "Hey Flik. I've got a plan."
DM: "Did Flik notice Morpheus casting his spell?"
Flik: *rolls a perception check and fails* "No."
DM: "Okay, Flik doesn't know the "guard" is Morpheus. Continue."
Flik: "Hey Mister! What's going on? What plan?"
Morpheus: *holds out the stolen sack* "Get in the bag."
Flik: "Why?"
Morpheus: "It'll be.. fun."
Flik: "Oh. Okay!" *climbs into sack*

The story continues as Morpheus, with a hidden halfling in a bag slung over his back, attempted to bluff his way past the guards and climb up into the airship. This was going fairly well, until he realized with his STR he'd never make it up a 50 ft. long rope while carrying another character. He got out of it with a few more Bluff and Sense Motive rolls between him and the guards, with enough leeway to run away. After we had hidden and were safe again, he lets me out of the bag and we have the following conversation:

Morpheus: "I can't believe you got in the bag."
Flik: "But you said it'd be fun!"

Ever since then, "it'll be fun" has been a recurring phrase in our group. Any time one of the.. less moral.. characters in our party wants to use Flik's rogue skills to their advantage, or to convince him to do something, all they have to do is say "Hey Flik- It'll be fun!" And they've got him hook, line, and sinker.

[johnnythexxxiv]

I had a pretty good one a couple weeks back.

Our party was on their way to the capital city of our DM's homebrew country and seeing as it was going to be about a week's journey from our location we decided to head over to a small mining town about an hour out of the way to restock on supplies midway through the trek. While we were there, we learned that one of the mineshafts had collapsed just under a week prior (that part is important) and several miners had been trapped in the tunnel. The problem was, the collapse had also woken up a bunch of giant worms, making rescue attempts very dangerous.

Naturally, being the kindish hearted adventurers that we were, we elected to help the citizens for an exorbitant fee. Eventually we dispatch of all the worms and clear out the collapse when the following exchange occurs:

DM: You see a man, huddled in the corner, shaking and covered in blood. Upon seeing the light of your torch tears well in his eyes and he wails uncontrollably as he slowly crawls towards you.
Fighter: There there, it'll be okay, you're safe now. Where are the others?
DM (Rescued Man): *sniff* I...I did what I had to... to... survive....
Fighter: What do you mean?
Rescued Man: Do you know how long I was down here for? I... I couldn't stand the hunger any longer... I'm so sorry... *begins crying again* DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG A PERSON CAN GO WITHOUT FOOD?!
Bard (Me): *completely deadpan* At least three weeks.

We almost had to call the session

[Oldmetaking]

So here is a little story

First, the players;

Kymis (Quaid): our teifling theif that was raised in a circus

Thortain (Mike): the dwarven warlord/ co-dM

Zeerith (Bryce) the drow shaman/other co-dM

And then there's Brutus, my hill giant barbarian with the ability to throw rock and the inability to speak full sentences.

Starting the game, Kymis got the rest of the group in a bar fight in a town on the edge of the feywilds against several barbarian bandits and their leader. While In the midst of fighting the leader, I notice that Zeerith (who is like a brother to me) gets hit by a club-wielding thug.

So I state "I use throw rock at the
bandit"
Mike: "what rock? There is no rocks nearby"

I realize two distinct things at that moment.

1. He is absolutely right
2. Throw rock means I can throw anything.


So I try to throw the bandit leader.

Mike says that I have to roll twice (1 for the grab and another for the throw)

I get a success on the grab and a nat 20 on the throw.

The bandit looks up to see a 7'11" hill giant throw his leader (who is 1 foot shorter) and knock both down.

I literally broke the group with laughter.


Next time: Brutus, Thortain, and Kymis try to topple a warded caravan, and I get over 3 astral diamonds worth of treasure, at level one.

[G4m3rpri3st]

Party Composition:

Human Rogue (Solaire)- Me

Half-Orc Barbarian (Ogrok)- My little brother

Elf Ranger (Himo)- One of my friends

My 3rd time ever playing D&d our party was clearing a house in the forest with high stone walls (Kind of a keep) of goblins for this dude so he could have it for a retirement home. About halfway through clearing this we find a room with 2 goblins lying in wait for an ambush. Ogrok so far has proven to have an obsession with ripping doors off their hinges to use as weapons and shields, so he does exactly that as soon as he sees the goblins and fails horribly on his rolls and only succeds in dry humping the door for 4 rounds. As battle starts we kill one goblin no problem and then a goblin gets a lucky crit and insta gibs my Rogue and leaves him at -1 hp. Himo finishes off the last goblin and then starts LOOTING THE ROOM instead of helping my Rogue who is laying on the floor bleeding to death. Ogrok sees me laying on the floor bleeding to death, and is still trying to remove the door from its freaking hinges. This continues for another 4 rounds where Himo is still looting the goblins and the room and Ogrok is still dry humping the damn door while I am bleeding to death.

Guys?

[Homicidal_duck]

I remember playing D&D a while back with 4 of my friends. We really needed some gold, so we tried to raid a barbarian fort. We had enlisted the help of the king and his soldiers, but after a while, I realised that my Warforged fighter was really overpowered for the level of fort we were attacking after crushing many heads between just my bare fists. We were reaching the end of the fort when we encountered 5 barbarians and a cannon. We swiftly took care of the barbarians, but the cannon still posed a threat. The other people in my group all had quite bad rolls and only did a very small amount of damage, but when it reached my turn, I rolled a perfect 20 which proceeded to me ripping the cannon from the ground and slamming it into the operator causing him to explode into a bloody mess. At this point, I started bragging about my many victories to which one of the party members, an elven cleric to be precise, began to get annoyed about and attacked me. It only did about 10 damage, but in retaliation, I mounted an unmanned cannon and shot a cannonball right through his chest, causing him to die instantly, I then proceeded to walk over to his corpse and began to spill oil from my "metallic extension" into the wound. After my friends had finally pooled enough money to revive him, he never complained again!

[Erth16]

Relevant to this story from my groups first campaign.

Desporte, the Human Fighter
Mr. Cuddles, the Druid's badger.
Makoto, My Human Bard.
We were around level 11.

So in our previous encounter, as one last screw you, the enemies Awoke the Badger, magically compelled it to hide this fact, and made it insane so it would plot to kill the party. No one knew of this.

So we are walking through a snowy forest/plains thing, and Desporte detects we are being followed, so he takes the Badger with him to investigate, and I follow a little ways behind him. Leaving the other 5 members of the party was our first mistake, taking the badger the bigger one. After walking a bit, Desporte decides that it must have been the wind (He literally said that as a joke), and just when he turns around a tundra/hill giant, I forget which pegs him with a rock, and a Giant with like 8 levels in Ranger rushes out from behind cover and begins attacking while he's down. So I throw up a Bull's Strength on him and the Badger, and rush back to get the party, and Desporte and the badger begin fighting the giants. We get back and he's pretty wounded, but the other 5 make quick work of the two wounded Giants. It's at this point that the Badger leaps onto Desporte's face, clawing and biting, and kills him before we knew what happened.

The level 11 fighter was killed by a badger. It didn't live long after that.

[bjoern]

A long time ago we had a new player join for a campaign. The DM gave the party a bag of holding for a free magic item. We gave the new player the bag to hold onto and he was completely enamored by the concept of a bag that could hold (pretty much) unlimited stuff.

So as the campaign went along he'd grab stuff and keep track of it on a paper what he had in there.
"You walk into the cellar and notice an old table and some broken chairs"
"I grab the chairs and bag em." "Can I fit the table in the bag?"
"No"
"That's a shame"

After defeating enemies he'd bag em.

After months of playing, we asked him out of curiousity what all he had in the bag. He then produced a spiral notebook about 50 pages full of stuff from sticks and dirty rags to dead zombies and food scraps from the dumpster. It then became apparent that everything the DM had described had made its way into the bad to some extent.
We all had a good laugh.

[ElenionAncalima]

We are flying to the capital city where a horde of dragons are attacking the castle. We notice that there are spellcasters defending the castle, so we suggest that the wizard, who always keeps a bunch of teleport and greater teleport spells prepared, go ahead and see if they know what is going on, while the rest of us fight off the dragons. She teleports to castle and finds out from the NPCs that the dragons are trying to get to the princess.

The arrival of a PC was clearly supposed to be a "Your too late" moment, as the DM announces that the largest dragon rips the princess's entire chamber out of the wall and they all proceed to fly away with her. However, we easily solve the problem. We have the wizard teleports in, grab the princess, teleport her back our village and cast nondetection on her.

Considering that we have gotten to the wealth level where we prefer trading favors over money, its pretty cool that we have the soon to be coronated queen in our house. However, what really brings us joy is the knowledge that when the dragons open the chamber to present the princess to their master, all they will find is a note in Draconic saying:

"Sorry, your princess is in another castle".

[Dundee15]

In 4e, the party was going through a long dungeon crawl and encountered a room with a large obsidian statue in the middle of it. Our Half-Orc Spellsword decides to roll arcana to determine if it's a golem or just a plain statue... and he rolls a 1. The party rogue decides that because it's so obviously a statue, he was going to examine it for hidden switches. Suddenly three ninjas jump down from the ceiling in an ambush and the golem comes to life. Being a rogue and in front of one of the heaviest hitters in the room, he decides to use Close Quarters to move into the same space as the golem and use him as cover against the ninjas. He rolls a stealth check and manages a very high roll. Golem goes next and activates an ability where any time you make contact with the golem, you take 10 damage (if you hit him or he hits you). Cleric goes next and uses Command to force the golem to the ground, not knowing that the rogue was under it. Rolls a nat 20, DM asks the rogue to roll a reflex save... nat 1.

Rogue's player "So, what happens?"
DM "You'll take 1d4 damage for every 10lbs... but with the crit the cleric got and the crit fail you got it'll be max damage."
Rogue's player "Fair enough, so... how much did the golem weigh?"
DM completely deadpan "Nine tons."
Rogue's player does some math "7200! I take 7200!!"
Spellsword "Actully it's 7210 with the golem's ability..." *whole table glares at him* "What, I like being accurate."
Cleric "I've got Recall Ally!"
DM "You don't know he's there." *turns to Rogue's player* "I'm sorry but, you're dead."

*after the fight*
Cleric "So, how much EXP was the fight worth?"
DM smiling "5210 for the enemies, and 2000 for the rogue"
Rogue's player "7210..."
Spellsword "Hey, that's just enough to level!"

Seeing as death is permanent in that game, it's a pretty memorable way to go.
My rogue will forever be known as the party's tank as he's taken more damage then the entire party combined, and the Cleric is now the DPS as he's dished out more than anyone.

[daremetoidareyo]

In an old 2nd edition D&D game, My fighter and my friend the cleric were beaten up and drug into the center of a large ring of fighters. We had messed up a lot of stuff at this point, and were likely in this situation because excessive kill first, ask questions later, type gaming. I believe that this was the case because we were relatively low level, and the champion pushed before us is a frost giant. After getting knocked to the far side of the circle, we knew that our chances of survival would require lateral thinking. I remember the cleric having looted an ebony fly from a previous encounter, which we learned about by spending what felt like way too much money to identify such a useless magic item, (I remember saying, "why the hell would a caster even make something this stupid?"). I handed off my quiver to the cleric with the instructions to tie the tiny statue to the head of the arrow. I spent the round running around the ring being relatively obnoxious until I circle back to the cleric, grab the arrow and make a called shot for the giants mouth. As luck would have it, natural 20. The magic word to activate the ebony fly? "Blow me." The result: A giant 4' long fly with giant face all over itself, grooming its forelegs where the frost giants head once was.

[Dalkael]

I had just started my second campaign as GM, with a steampunkish setting. Anyway, the players (a barbarian, a warlock/fighter, a rogue/sorceror and a knight) had been given the task to sneak into one of the pyramids to find a relic. Aided briefly by lvl 20 NPC, treasure hunter Harrison Jones, they found the right entrance, and were then left on their own while he "went to find another way in". At first they managed to remember to search for traps, but eventually forgot, and the warlock and knight were poisoned. After a few fights, they were quite deep in the dungeon, and had taken a lot of damage. The warlock had decided at some point to stop opening the trapped sarcophogi, but used detect magic in every new room. They soon found some healing scrolls, a ring and a bracer, but at one point they had opened a sarcophagus but couldn't find the item (really bad spot rolls). However, the rogue caught a lucky break, and spotted a ring, which he quickly grabbed and put on his finger, despite the warlock having mentioned earlier to put all the items in a bag for later identification. It was a cursed ring of enfeeblement, which made it now extremely hard for him to pass the increasingly difficult detect traps. Somehow they managed to pass their rolls, and wound up in the main chamber of the tomb.

I described as a huge chamber, filled with about two hundred large statues, and a walkway in the middle. As they looked up to the walkway, they saw Mr Harrison Jones running across it, chased by several web mummies. The warlock boldly entered the room and cast detect magic items, I told him there was magic everywhere. Apparently that translated to him as "go smash a statue", which he promptly did, activating the 199 remaining ones. Several dozen heavy spears immediately flew towards the pcs, skewering the knight instantly. The rogue, being feeble, had no chance to sprint, and was squished shortly after. With over 100 angry statues running towards them, the barbarian grabbed the warlock and ran for it, but promptly failed his first con check, and turned to fight for his life. The warlock decided to repay the favour by trying to run, but also failed his con check. He was skewered, but only went to -5 HP. The barbarian managed to kill two statues, before taking six spears to the chest and being instagibbed. Now ignoring the unconcious warlock, the statues returned to the chamber, while the warlock failed each stabilize check, and bled out alone in the dark tomb.

It was the first time for me as DM actually killing a PC, but the foolish behaviour had to be punished. In character, however, the group agreed that it had been a very realistic outcome for four strangers thrust together in a group. :)

[illyahr]

We are flying to the capital city where a horde of dragons are attacking the castle. We notice that there are spellcasters defending the castle, so we suggest that the wizard, who always keeps a bunch of teleport and greater teleport spells prepared, go ahead and see if they know what is going on, while the rest of us fight off the dragons. She teleports to castle and finds out from the NPCs that the dragons are trying to get to the princess.

The arrival of a PC was clearly supposed to be a "Your too late" moment, as the DM announces that the largest dragon rips the princess's entire chamber out of the wall and they all proceed to fly away with her. However, we easily solve the problem. We have the wizard teleports in, grab the princess, teleport her back our village and cast nondetection on her.

Considering that we have gotten to the wealth level where we prefer trading favors over money, its pretty cool that we have the soon to be coronated queen in our house. However, what really brings us joy is the knowledge that when the dragons open the chamber to present the princess to their master, all they will find is a note in Draconic saying:

"Sorry, your princess is in another castle".

Nice.

[Mono Vertigo]

A long time ago we had a new player join for a campaign. The DM gave the party a bag of holding for a free magic item. We gave the new player the bag to hold onto and he was completely enamored by the concept of a bag that could hold (pretty much) unlimited stuff.

So as the campaign went along he'd grab stuff and keep track of it on a paper what he had in there.
"You walk into the cellar and notice an old table and some broken chairs"
"I grab the chairs and bag em." "Can I fit the table in the bag?"
"No"
"That's a shame"

After defeating enemies he'd bag em.

After months of playing, we asked him out of curiousity what all he had in the bag. He then produced a spiral notebook about 50 pages full of stuff from sticks and dirty rags to dead zombies and food scraps from the dumpster. It then became apparent that everything the DM had described had made its way into the bad to some extent.
We all had a good laugh.

I've had Elder Scrolls games like this...
Who am I kidding, everyone played The Elder Scrolls like this all the damn time.

[bjoern]

I've had Elder Scrolls games like this...
Who am I kidding, everyone played The Elder Scrolls like this all the damn time.

A couple times it was actually helpful. One time he tipped it out and created a wall of junk for us to hide behind.

One time we found ourselves trapped in a shrinking room with a spout rapidly pouring out water to flood the room. He was able to catch the water in the bad to buy a fee rounds for the rogue to find the secret door out.

Of course we forgot about that episode a few months later and when he tipped it out again inside a room we found ourselves drowning in water again.

The DM pretty much waived the volume limits of the bag and just gave it an infinite capacity. Since we weren't doing anything broken it wasn't a big deal. We all joked that the ultimate evil plot would be to go in an ocean and open the bag and swallow up all the water. But we never did.

[illyahr]

We all joked that the ultimate evil plot would be to go in an ocean and open the bag and swallow up all the water. But we never did.

Can I use this? I have to try this. This is too good to pass up.

[bjoern]

Can I use this? I have to try this. This is too good to pass up.

As an evil plot. Sure. It would be even funnier if all PCs and bad guys involved didn't understand how a BoH works and after a climactic battle where the PCs fail to stop him and he completed his master plan, hr manages to suck up about 25 gallons of water and that it. Lol

Imagine the dissapointment on the bad guys face.

"What?!?!"
"NnnnOOOOOOOOOOOoooo!!!"

Lol

[Inevitability]

But what if he's got a BoH in his BoH, with another BoH in this second BoH, Ad Infinitum? All but the first are opened, and when he opens the first...

Then, have him put his stitched flesh octopus familiar in the first bag (after pouring a bit of water out of it) and walk away. He can then at any time command his octopus familiar to swim down towards the deepest bag and pierce it, thus setting of a chain reaction of bags bursting and water flooding.

Spoiler: Lame pun

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Now that's what I call a Hydrogen Bomb!

[Milodiah]

This is actually a Classic Traveler story, which is a sci-fi game. It's been a very long time, so the details like names are fuzzy. Here goes:

The party:

• Me, Lt. Cmdr. Dyson, naval reserve officer, human supremacist and also an informant for my government. I was sort of the group leader, which retroactively was a terrible idea.
• A priestess of an obscure alien race, trying to raise awareness of her people in interstellar politics.
• A retired marine commando, specifically an assassin.
• An asteroid miner, in possession of a third-hand and battered mining vessel.
• DMPC, a tiny reptilian fellow who flew the ship. His name was unpronounceable so I nicknamed him "Space Jim" even though he kicked my shins when I called him that.

We've been hired to assassinate one (1) politician who was trying to negotiate peace with some hostile aliens, the usual "all we know is there's money for us" motivation. We do manage to kill him in the end, along with 719,999 other people through a series of seemingly sound decisions that...went sequentially wrong.

Spoiler: Spoilered for length

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We choose to leave our ship (fitted with experimental stealth technology) in orbit, and take the small ship's boat to the surface (which is basically a domed city). Turns out it's infested with gangs, we witness a drive-by five minutes into walking the streets (and also witness everyone on the sidewalk return fire).

The conference we're supposed to get into is later on in the day, so we kill time in a diner, where my anti-alien comments net me a frying pan to the face and a broken nose. We also hire some 'muscle' to back us up if the plan-A stealth goes awry, but we roll abysmally, and end up with...three dudes with handguns and a Vargr (read: wolf-man) whose name and vocabulary consisted of "ARNGH-ARNGH-ARNGH-ARNGH-AAAARNGH!", and whose armament consisted solely of a "gigantic motorized pizza cutter". I hand them a radio and tell them and the Assassin to wait in an abandoned house nearby "just in case".

So, we walk into the mansion during the grand banquet, and everyone but me manages to talk their way past the guards. So here I am, getting nasty looks from everyone present (because I'm wearing an officer's uniform of both parties' mutual enemy), and my ploy to pull a Bavarian Fire Drill with an envelope stamped "CLASSIFIED, EYES ONLY" had failed. As the Priestess and the Miner (the only one who has gained access to the ambassador we needed to kill) makes idle small talk, the other players and I start to formulate a plan.

I grab our muscle and the other PCs minus the Priestess and Miner, load up in the ship's boat/gunship, and prepare to make a combat deployment on the roof.

Bad idea.

Turns out the watchtowers we only halfway scoped out were actually fitted with anti-aircraft batteries for just such an occasion.

Ordered all fire on the nearest tower, did evasive maneuvers. A little earlier the Miner, who had a comically small concealed handgun, decided to make his move on the ambassador and followed him into the bathroom. As soon as the **** hit the fan, he draws and attempts to fire.

Bad idea.

I had previously requested intel on this guy from my...connections... and it just now comes in. Tested positive for psionic powers, did eight tours of duty in the Imperial Marines, commendations, qualifications, medals...

"Guys, we're dealing with a Class 8 Badass here!"

He of course is wearing body armor, then pulls multiple top of the line laser weapons and fries the Miner nearly to death in one round.

I blast a hole in the wall, still making evasive maneuvers, and send in the muscle. GM rolls for them...and of course ARNGH-ARNGH-ARNGH-ARNGH-AAAARNGH gets roasted in mid-air by Mr. Badass. The other three end up on the roof, trading shots through said roof with security forces inside the building. The Miner tries to flee to the roof, but Mr. Badass chases him up there, and in a shootout between ship-grade weaponry and laser pistols actually nails my gunner. I hand off the controls to one of the NPCs and finally shoot the roof out from under him, recover the Miner who is in D&D terms at negative HP, and try to fly off.

Bad idea.

The military's coming, of course, and we have to rendezvous with the ship. I instruct Space Jim to switch off transponder and engage stealth.

Bad idea.

The air space-traffic control goes APE**** when they see a ship drop off their screens because stealth tech isn't actually public knowledge, and prepare to scramble everything, including a dreadnought. Our ship's boat is 30 tons, the ship itself is 5000 tons. This thing is 500,000 tons of pure death warming up to come after us.

We make it to an exit airlock, and surprise surprise, it's been sealed off. I order the gunner to blow it open.

Bad idea.

Critical failure. He manages to blast the airlock and the failsafe mechanism, so the entire atmosphere of the dome city is getting blown out of this airlock. The pressure differentials wreak havoc on the dreadnought preparing to lift off, and all 500,000 tons of it crash down on the dome, shattering it into millions of pieces.

As soon as we rendezvous with the ship, I do what comes naturally (at this point I'll add that this is the most in-character we've ever been). I recall the books on naval operations, and order the pilot to "initiate crash jump procedures".

Bad idea.

What I didn't count on was that while I was a trained naval officer, the pilot was not...in the navy it's a twelve-step procedure. To this guy it's "GET SOMEWHERE OTHER THAN HERE".

So we jump to the middle of nowhere, with no fuel to get to the middle of somewhere, after wiping out the flagship of an enemy fleet, along with half a planet's worth of people, becoming public enemy #1 for the entire galaxy, and above all not getting paid by our client because we accidentally killed him.

Hooray!

[Khedrac]

This is actually a Classic Traveler story, which is a sci-fi game. It's been a very long time, so the details like names are fuzzy. Here goes:
[snip]...[/snip] not getting paid by our client because we accidentally killed him.[/SPOILER]

Hooray!

Awesome story!