Relationship Woes and Advice 23: Answer Unclear, Try Again

[Coidzor]

A good rule of thumb I've run into is never sell yourself short when it matters, the world will take care of that for you if it's in the cards and even a master of self-deprecating humor is more likely to shoot one's self in the foot with in than gain anything in the opening moves of a game of courtship and certainly it doesn't have a real place in the game of seduction.

Basically I have no idea how to tell K at this point that I'm seeing someone else. Especially since neither of us have actually asked the other one out.

This sort of ties back in with the question that Serpentine was asking not too far upthread.

I'm assuming that it was a fair bit of time ago that you asked Mlle. D to establish a formal relationship and she said "not yet," from the way you presented all this. Maybe my reading comprehension is off, but I'm not quite sure where you stand with her at the moment. Are you two formally a couple now or are you still just having fun with one another?

If nothing formal has transpired then there's no real obligation to tell Mlle. K anything about Mlle. D at this point in time without some kind of catalyst, such as Mlle. K asking you about your love life or if you're seeing anyone, and I'm not certain just what the stock response to finding out that someone you're interested in is casually seeing someone but not in a relationship with them. If you don't intend to pursue her any further at this present time though, I'm going to just guess that you've gone from flirting to friendly at some point, since if you were only being friendly there'd be no feeling that you might have led her on.

Unless you end up stalling out long enough with Mlle. D that you decide to re-evaluate your position on going on dates with different people without ending things with any of them but not so much that you're no longer seeing Mlle. D entirely, it doesn't really seem there's any *need* to tell Mlle. K anything about Mlle. D.

Even so, there's a couple of schools of thought on when it would be most appropriate to mention seeing Mlle. D to Mlle. K if you did end up seeing Mlle. K. Or at least, I seem to recall that there was more than one go-to answer here, but it was a little bit of a fine distinction amongst the more reasonable ones, so I couldn't give you a verbatim run-down of them.

If you're formally a couple with Mlle. D, then it's likely going to come up in casual conversation about your week or plans at some point and if Mlle. K asks then I'm certain that you can decide for yourself what portion of the truth you want to disclose. So as long as you're not deliberately withholding things then there should be no especial rush and it'll just organically come up.

I have to wonder though, if your friends are telling you to date both of them in a polyamorous fashion or just to go on dates with both so that you don't let yourself twist in the wind on account of Mlle. D and miss a chance that Mlle. K is a better fit with you.

[Erloas]

I have to wonder though, if your friends are telling you to date both of them in a polyamorous fashion or just to go on dates with both so that you don't let yourself twist in the wind on account of Mlle. D and miss a chance that Mlle. K is a better fit with you.

Mostly I think they say to go out with both of them "because thats what you do when you date." I don't really want to "date," I want to have a girlfriend, I want to move to that step.

As for if I'm in a formal relationship with D... I'm not actually sure. Which I think comes a lot from my general lack of experience in this sort of thing. When she said she wasn't quite ready to say she is committed when we talked, she also said she wouldn't sleep with someone until she was ready. And right after that talk (same night) we got pretty close but didn't, to the point where my friends that I talked to about it said she seemed like she was pretty much ready. Of course that was just before the holidays, and since then she had a lot of business things come up (a lot of the holiday parties were planned beforehand and where business/networking that she was obligated to go to) and got really sick and had a niece born and and had some pretty big issues with her dog. So while we did go out almost every week in that time, sometimes it wasn't for very long and the times we got to be alone together she was feeling sick and/or tired from everything else going on so I didn't try to take things anywhere physical (I wanted to... but a few days of throwing up and a few weeks of antibiotics I felt was worth avoiding).

As such I really haven't had what felt like a good chance to talk to her more specifically about us as a couple and haven't tried the non-verbal guideline she put in place either.
She is fairly hard to read, but everything feels like it is going well. And I believe she has been honest about what has been going on rather then using any of it as an excuse or cover for anything else.

The possibility that it wouldn't work out with D was the main reason I didn't say anything to K when the opportunity had came up when we first started talking. We had basically established, without directly asking, that neither of us where in a relationship, which was true when we talked about it. Though at that point there were several good opportunities for me to have mentioned that I had been going out with D a few times, I just choose not to at that point. Because of that I really doubt K is going to directly ask at any point in the near future.
I am, however, wondering if one of her other friends at her birthday tomorrow might ask me in the course of general conversation. Which might be the easiest time to indirectly let K know, it might also turn out badly... I'm just not sure.

[Coidzor]

Mostly I think they say to go out with both of them "because thats what you do when you date." I don't really want to "date," I want to have a girlfriend, I want to move to that step.

Well, yeah, most people don't want to "date," but it's a useful intermediate step between casual social interaction and serial monogamy for figuring out if someone is going to work out as a girlfriend in at least the short term, hopefully some kind of long term.

As for if I'm in a formal relationship with D... I'm not actually sure.

If you're not sure, then you're probably not and need to talk to her to cement it one way or the other. Being a couple and schtupping are generally not the same thing even if the one is generally assumed to include the other past a certain age.

[mrcarter11]

New here in this area of the forums. Don't think I've ever left the homebrew and PbP portion of the site. I'm not normally one to want advise but for once I feel like I could use the opinion of someone that isn't me.

About three months ago, my girlfriend of three years broke up with me. We hadn't been getting along for awhile and so it was sorta expected, but still caught me a bit off guard. We had no contact for several weeks until late November, at which point we started talking again. I was still in love with her and she asked if we would get back together and I couldn't answer. I didn't know how to answer that. It had hurt when we broke up and I didn't want to risk that again.

Now around the same time that I started to talk to my ex again, I started becoming friends with another girl online. Talking online turned to texts, which turned to phone calls, which turned to us having feelings for each other. This new girl has said, she doesn't want to date me currently because it would be a long distance relationship (About an 8 hour drive). I understood that and she had said that while she wouldn't put the label of "dating" on us, that we would have something exclusive and we'd talk as much as we could.

Now I knew that a long distance thing would be really hard for me, because of my past. I have a lot of trust issues in short. I don't think I want to get back together with my ex, I'm positive that I don't really, but she texts me and messages whenever I'm online, always asking me to take her back and to give her another try. I don't know how to turn her away, I don't want to hurt my ex worse then she seems to currently hurt, but I don't know how to not hurt her currently.

In the meantime, this new girl and me, are having problems already. Which part of me expected and I think a lot of the problems are me over reacting to things because of my past, but I can't ever seem to shake the thoughts I have.

There are these bouts of time where we won't actually talk, or rather she ignores my attempts at talking to her. Like she's trying to stem me away. I work third shifts and so we don't get many days where we can actually just sit and talk to each other, but whenever I have nights off, things always seem to constantly come up that defeat any chance of us having time to just sit and talk to each other. I try to not make a big deal out of any of it, but I still always seem to. Her behavior isn't that odd, is it? I feel crazy I guess. And somehow typing all this out in words has made me feel better, so I'm just gonna post and if anyone wants to say anything feel free. Thanks in advance.

[Serpentine]

Hm. Let's see...

Starting with your ex: You definitely don't want to give it another go, right? Do you want to try to stay friends?
I think you just need to be honest and firm with her. Tell her you care about her, but that you can't go back to that again, that it's done and gone. If you think she's really having a bad time of it, consider finding some support services to point her at. If you'd like to be friends, tell her you can only talk to and help her as a friend. If she can't do that, then you need to tell her that she needs to cut herself off from you for her own good, at least until she's ready to let you go.

With your long-distance: Not dating, but "exclusive", and it was her idea? That one kinda worries me. What does she want to call it, then? If you're exclusive, then you're something, and you deserve to have that defined if you want it to be - and that will help make it clear what's going on and stuff.
Everything I hear about long-distance relationships says that making time for one another, and making plans, are crucially important. Talk to her about setting up specific times to just sit down and talk, and sometimes to sit down and do something with one another - watch a movie together or play a game or something like that; have a date, basically.
You have rights in this relationship as well - including knowing whether or not it is a Relationship. And if it's not, then she has no right to require that it be exclusive. I mean, I suppose if you both want it to be it can be, but exclusivity without a Relationship... That feels like an oxymoron or something.*
Basically, I think you need to organise to have a proper talk with her, clarify exactly what it is you have and what it is you both want, and - if you still want a relationship or whatever you have - organise and compromise to have regular "couple" times.


*I realise that you can have a Relationship without exclusivity. It's the other way round that boggles my mind.

[rogueboy]

So this is a hypothetical question spurred by Erloas' question: Let's say I'm casually dating 3 girls, call them A, B, and C. I want to shift to an exclusive relationship with A, though I'd want a relationship with B if A weren't in the picture; C just isn't clicking. Obviously, C is a relatively easy issue, since I don't see it working out with her at all. However, how would I go about telling B that even though I really like her, I prefer someone else; particularly if I'd like to keep B as a friend? I think this is what makes me the most uncomfortable with casually dating multiple people, even if it is what's typically expected at the pre-Relationship level.

[mrcarter11]

@Serpentine
This is going to make me sound like a terrible person, and I own up to that now, but if things don't improve or continue to just not click with the other girl, I'd be willing to get back with my ex. I think/feel I could be happier with this new girl assuming that we start to click better in terms of spending time with each other, but if that doesn't happen, I could see myself getting back together with my ex even if I don't think it's the best idea for me to do so.


As for the new girl, I'm not sure what to call what we are currently. Complicated? I think the easiest way to explain it would be dating, without the technical label of dating. The intents and everything are there though I believe on both sides. We both know we are something to the other person, I think we're both struggling to figure out exactly what that is though. Though I guess trying to organize my thoughts better and then actually talking to her about setting out time for each other would be the best idea.

[John Cribati]

Just checking in. I'm already set on a course of action, but my situation is one I'd like to share anyway.

Those of you who know my history know I have a penchant for the flirty friendship. It's basically how I interact with every girl friend I have, provided it's socially acceptable for a 21-year-old man to act in such a manner toward them.

This is the same girl I've talked about before. We're still friends. We flirt, tease, and so on. But a line has been crossed. She serenaded me. It was very, very tongue in cheek. But it once again leaves me confused as to the status of our relationship.

I have much to discuss with her.

[Heliomance]

Is someone willing to have another look at my OkCupid profile now that I've made some changes and added a few thingies?

Also, I could use some tips on what to write in a (first) message. I know to avoid spammy one-liners, but I still find it a bit difficult to come up with something. I can't help but that it feels a little forced. Chatting up random strangers feels weird. So far, I figure it should show some effort, try to hook into interests mentioned in a girl's profile a little, yet not be too long.

Here you go.

I do think a unique opening does help, as they suggest. I start my first messages with "Greetings and salutations!"

Well, here's feedback:

Spoiler

Show

To start, your first paragraph is a red flag:

"I abandoned my sanity at the end of my freshman year of college, when I declared myself a chemistry major. I waited until a few years ago (when I started grad school) to truly embrace the insanity. But sanity's overrated anyways, so it's all good."

You don't want to talk about "embracing your insanity" to a perfect stranger that you want to get coffee with.

Then you end with:

"I go well beyond most people in embracing my weirdness. I'm usually the first to point out that I'm weird, and I'll always do it with a smile on my face. "

You don't want draw attention to "weirdness."

Another red flag: "I put a lot of value on doing what I can to help my friends in any way I can. This has meant pointing out when a friend was doing something stupid or not doing something he should have . . ."

This suggest that you may be controlling. Women do not like controlling men.

Overall, you have put yourself across as potentially (1) insane, (2) weird, and (3) possibly controlling.

My advice:


1) Shorten things up, a lot. Most people are scanning through these things quickly. A long-winded profile is apt to be ignored.

2) Highlight your strong points but don't dwell to much on them. In my opinion, your high points are (1) You seem to be a chemistry grad student, which highlights intelligence and potentially good employment prospects (2) You seem to be a recreational soccer player, which highlights physical fitness. I also like soccer as your "hook." It is an activity that many people have done and is universally positive. I'm sure there are tons of women who have played high school soccer who read through these profiles.

3) Don't, and I repeat, don't make any reference to "insanity" or "weirdness." Women are looking for any red flag. There are tons of men on these sites; you cannot afford to shoot yourself in the foot.

It should be short and to the point. The longer the profile, the less likely a woman will read it. For example,

Hi, I'm a chemistry grad student at X (Don't talk too much about chemistry, because most people don't understand it. However, most people will find it somewhat impressive by itself).

I grew up in X. I like your description of Seattle, mostly: I grew up in the Northwest (Seattle), and still love the slightly damp, overcast, breezy days a lot - nothing compares to the smell and feel of the air after a rain. I also miss the beauty of Washington's proper lakes and mountains (no, Mt. Nittany doesn't count).

What I changed was the put-down of lakes and mountains not in Washington. You don't want a reader to think: "Oh, he doesn't think our lakes and mountains are proper, well he can . . ."

In my spare time, I enjoy spending time with my friends--either simply relaxing over a drink or two or playing board games. I value friends who are honest and kind.

My passion is soccer. I've played all of my life and currently am in a few adult rec leagues. I also enjoy watching pro soccer on TV and once I finish up grad school, I'm looking to get involved as a coach.



For the one thing people notice about you, change it someone like "My friendly smile" or "clever grin" or something else benign and harmless.

I'm going to side with Serps here - I really liked the bit about embracing insanity. It shows several things - he's probably not boring, he's able and willing to laugh at himself, he's not stuck up about his education. I'm a big fan of self-deprecating humour, I like to see that people don't take themselves too seriously. I'd definitely say keep it.

"I go well beyond most people in embracing my weirdness" does belabour the point a bit too much, though. The first bit shows you can laugh at yourself, that line crosses over into "actually, he might be a bit too strange."

[Marillion]

Since it's the in thing right now.

One of my favorite openings is "So I'm really quite terrible at this, but your profile made me smile and I wanted to say hi. So hi!" and then go on to ask about something I saw on their profile.

[Serpentine]

Hey.
Hey Marillion.
95% match.


(still reading through...)

Thoughts as they arise:
- I like your opening.
- What are you thinking of doing if you do go back to school?
- Good At looks good. In fact, I like all the rest of it.
- Could maybe use some more, and more interesting, photos. Including a more recent one (or note which of those is the most recent, seeing as you point out that your main one isn't).

All in all, I like it a lot, and I would quite possibly send you a message myself

[Sholos]

So I've started up something... interesting with a girl. I guess you could call us... make-out buddies? Kind of like FWB, except that making out is as far as it's going for the foreseeable future. Basically she said she doesn't want to have sex and she doesn't want to date. I'm enjoying it, though.

[Serpentine]

Good for you
I recommend being very aware of your feelings as you go, though. If your feelings change but hers don't, you could end up hurt. Don't worry about it, just go ahead and enjoy it, but... be self-aware.

[Marillion]

Hey.
Hey Marillion.
95% match.

Oh my

All in all, I like it a lot, and I would quite possibly send you a message myself

Well, what other endorsement could a guy like me need?

As for the pictures, I've been thinking of that, but I am so photophobic that it was a game amongst my friends to see who could get a picture with my face in it for three Gencons straight. I just don't feel very photogenic. I don't even own a camera, web or otherwise!

[Coidzor]

So this is a hypothetical question spurred by Erloas' question: Let's say I'm casually dating 3 girls, call them A, B, and C. I want to shift to an exclusive relationship with A, though I'd want a relationship with B if A weren't in the picture; C just isn't clicking. Obviously, C is a relatively easy issue, since I don't see it working out with her at all. However, how would I go about telling B that even though I really like her, I prefer someone else; particularly if I'd like to keep B as a friend? I think this is what makes me the most uncomfortable with casually dating multiple people, even if it is what's typically expected at the pre-Relationship level.

Well, part of that does depend upon how serious Mademoiselle B is appearing to you, either telling her that you'd like to continue the relationship on the track of friendship but that you've had something formal established with someone else to explaining the situation come to mind as options, but I can't really recall any socially condoned ones in particular. I imagine some would advise letting her down gently a goodly while before revealing when your relationship formed with A/that you're seeing someone else, but as you can probably guess, that depends upon how connected you are and could backfire. On the other hand, letting her down gently with any real wait before formally establishing something with A risks shooting yourself in the foot by delaying.

How to proceed as friends but keep the option of something in the future as a possibility rather than at least implicitly axing it, eh, I wouldn't be the one to know the ways to do that, though I'm certain it's more of a playing by ear thing to see if that's even possible for her and for you.

And the poly gambit? I don't even have any thoughts there.

Essentially, Demoiselle C as a person doesn't really exist for the purposes of your interactions with A and B, if it comes up that, yes, you were casually dating multiple people, she exists in so far as that kind of placeholder role. So that simplifies things right quick, provided that she doesn't pull anything funny.

This is the same girl I've talked about before. We're still friends. We flirt, tease, and so on. But a line has been crossed. She serenaded me. It was very, very tongue in cheek. But it once again leaves me confused as to the status of our relationship.

I have much to discuss with her.

I believe Picard had something to say on the matter of lines and drawing them. I must confess, however, that I've never heard of serenading as one of those lines before.

I feel like I owe my friends an apology now.

At any rate, good luck with that discussion.

[Form]

Well, look at that. I actually got an OkCupid message back. I was expecting to have to send dozens and get nothing back at all. I suppose it could still be like that, though.

[John Cribati]

I believe Picard had something to say on the matter of lines and drawing them. I must confess, however, that I've never heard of serenading as one of those lines before.

I feel like I owe my friends an apology now.

At any rate, good luck with that discussion.

The line to which I was referring exists between "flirting" and "courtship."

[dehro]

So this is a hypothetical question spurred by Erloas' question: Let's say I'm casually dating 3 girls, call them A, B, and C. I want to shift to an exclusive relationship with A, though I'd want a relationship with B if A weren't in the picture; C just isn't clicking. Obviously, C is a relatively easy issue, since I don't see it working out with her at all. However, how would I go about telling B that even though I really like her, I prefer someone else; particularly if I'd like to keep B as a friend? I think this is what makes me the most uncomfortable with casually dating multiple people, even if it is what's typically expected at the pre-Relationship level.

C is easy (to deal with, that is)
Both B and A deserve better than B being "kept waiting to see how things pan out with A" and A having you not being all that committed with her to begin with, or you wouldn't even be considering B as a viable alternative.

in other words, are you really taken by A or are you just bored with the current situation and want to try something different?
having options is a wonderful thing and one that I quite envy you. try not to misuse it though, and try to take their feelings and your decisions' impact on them into consideration too.

[Coidzor]

The line to which I was referring exists between "flirting" and "courtship."

Indeed, I'd just never heard of serenading being involved with crossing that line before.

Mostly I've run into it with taking the **** out of a friend or as a gag.

[Mary Leathert]

My problem is of the "should I ask this guy out or not?" variety.

So, background. I have never dated, and I have never asked anyone out, which has started to bother me lately. (I do realize it might be partially wanting to fit in, my recent friends have more expansive dating histories or are at least dating atm than the ones I've had longer, but this is not the actual point).

One time when I was complaining about my lack of dating history to friends in IRC, one of them what I thought about one of the guys in my gaming circles (PFS, so it's not a regular group with him). She said that she thought he might be interested in me. My response was mostly "I wouldn't mind that". This happened in December. Since then I've mostly just tried to find out more about the guy, mostly by talking with him on IRC (not one on one, just picking up conversations when he says something). Thus far no red flags have popped up, and I've been trying to gather the nerves to ask him out.

However, the friend who initiated this doesn't know the guy that well, and told me that I shouldn't take her words as the absolute truth. Also a couple of other friends, when we were joking about who I should date, and thinking of non-taken guys we know, told me that they wouldn't recommend him. They didn't specify, and I didn't push, because I didn't want them to know I might be interested. They do know him better than the first friend, however.

So, opinions. Should I do something about this? We're both on the majorly shy side, so waiting for him to do something propably won't work. There are two problems, I'd say. First, is he even interested. Second, even if he were, is it worth the try. I personally haven't noticed things that would make into an instant "no". I just keep thinking about "is there actually anything to lose if I ask" and "man up and ask already, at least then you'll know if there's even any reason to be nervous about all this".

[Thajocoth]

If you ask, you'll get an answer, yes or no. This will resolve it either way, allowing you to be happy together or move on.

If you do not ask, you'll be left with the question & be unable to know, leaving reason to dwell on the issue.

Discovering whether or not you're compatible is part of the purpose of dating, so trying to figure that out before even asking is going to be very difficult (unless there are HUGE red flags, but I don't see that here).

When in doubt, ask them out.

[Grinner]

Have you tried, you know, talking to him face to face? Preferably in a nice neutral place? A coffee shop, perhaps?

It's hard, I know, but the best way to learn about someone is to just talk to them without distractions.

[Mary Leathert]

Well, part of the problem is that we practically only see each other while gaming. He did come to my housewarming party, and we and his brother did go to movies once (he had extra tickets, and just asked generally on the IRC channel). So in my mind, asking wether he'd like to come to cafe with me is practically asking him out on a date.

I also keep thinking wether it would be awkward to game afterwards if he says no.

[Grinner]

Well, part of the problem is that we practically only see each other while gaming. He did come to my housewarming party, and we and his brother did go to movies once (he had extra tickets, and just asked generally on the IRC channel). So in my mind, asking wether he'd like to come to cafe with me is practically asking him out on a date.

Yep. Keep in mind that it's a coffee date, not a marriage proposal.

I also keep thinking wether it would be awkward to game afterwards if he says no.

Only if you make it awkward. If it doesn't go over well, try not to dwell on the past. Instead, continue as you had been. Express no further interest.

[rogueboy]

C is easy (to deal with, that is)
Both B and A deserve better than B being "kept waiting to see how things pan out with A" and A having you not being all that committed with her to begin with, or you wouldn't even be considering B as a viable alternative.

in other words, are you really taken by A or are you just bored with the current situation and want to try something different?
having options is a wonderful thing and one that I quite envy you. try not to misuse it though, and try to take their feelings and your decisions' impact on them into consideration too.

No need to envy me, it was entirely hypothetical. I envy the hypothetical me too, in fact!

My problem is of the "should I ask this guy out or not?" variety.

So, background. I have never dated, and I have never asked anyone out, which has started to bother me lately. (I do realize it might be partially wanting to fit in, my recent friends have more expansive dating histories or are at least dating atm than the ones I've had longer, but this is not the actual point).

One time when I was complaining about my lack of dating history to friends in IRC, one of them what I thought about one of the guys in my gaming circles (PFS, so it's not a regular group with him). She said that she thought he might be interested in me. My response was mostly "I wouldn't mind that". This happened in December. Since then I've mostly just tried to find out more about the guy, mostly by talking with him on IRC (not one on one, just picking up conversations when he says something). Thus far no red flags have popped up, and I've been trying to gather the nerves to ask him out.

However, the friend who initiated this doesn't know the guy that well, and told me that I shouldn't take her words as the absolute truth. Also a couple of other friends, when we were joking about who I should date, and thinking of non-taken guys we know, told me that they wouldn't recommend him. They didn't specify, and I didn't push, because I didn't want them to know I might be interested. They do know him better than the first friend, however.

So, opinions. Should I do something about this? We're both on the majorly shy side, so waiting for him to do something propably won't work. There are two problems, I'd say. First, is he even interested. Second, even if he were, is it worth the try. I personally haven't noticed things that would make into an instant "no". I just keep thinking about "is there actually anything to lose if I ask" and "man up and ask already, at least then you'll know if there's even any reason to be nervous about all this".

Having gone through the "do I or don't I ask" thing (with someone who was giving more direct signs than you've mentioned, no less): ask. Sitting with the question is only going to cause anxiety. Once you've asked, there's 2 options:
1) he says yes. Proceed with s
2) he says no. Proceed with and transition to (hopefully quickly), but at least you'll know you have to move on, and you won't be dealing with the whole thing (being confused and making yourself anxious, if that wasn't clear)

[Thajocoth]

So in my mind, asking wether he'd like to come to cafe with me is practically asking him out on a date.

Precisely. That's how you get to know him to know if he's a good choice for a long term partner; by dating him.

[Jallorn]

Well, part of the problem is that we practically only see each other while gaming. He did come to my housewarming party, and we and his brother did go to movies once (he had extra tickets, and just asked generally on the IRC channel). So in my mind, asking wether he'd like to come to cafe with me is practically asking him out on a date.

I also keep thinking wether it would be awkward to game afterwards if he says no.

If it helps, most guys I know (admittedly fairly introverted nerdy guys) that I've discussed the topic with would like it if a girl asked them out rather than the other way around. It's a lot less stressful to be the askee, and generally there's an ability to sympathize with the position of asker that allows guys being asked (unless they're total ******s) to be gentle if the answer is no. While guys sometimes fear that the response from an asked girl will be, "You're creepy/disgusting, get away," the worst response a guy is likely to have is to be flattered. That is, it'll be such an ego stroking that they'll be nice even if the answer is no.

Which isn't to say it will be. Again, being the askee makes it less stressful, and it's pretty easy for a guy to say yes. We don't, after all, generally fear the potential of the opposite sex to abuse us. So go for it.

I hope this is actually helpful, but my mind is now imagining all the negatives in this post that could be focused upon, so forgive me if it sparked any of that.

[snoopy13a]

Which isn't to say it will be. Again, being the askee makes it less stressful, and it's pretty easy for a guy to say yes. We don't, after all, generally fear the potential of the opposite sex to abuse us. So go for it.

I don't know. I think you might be seeing the grass as greener on the other side. Being the askee is certainly easier when the advance is wanted, but not all advances are. I can't imagine that it is too much fun turning down someone.

The person could be overly persistant or annoying. Or the person could insult you after you reject them. Or the person might be drunk and simply unpredictable. Or the person could be a close friend that you do not find physically attractive--which makes the rejection hard on both of you. Or maybe you're just a person who hates disappointing people in general. Finally, these advances can come when you'd rather have your attention on something else.

There's a reason why women often lie that they have a boyfriend when turning down an advance.

[Serpentine]

Why not just initiate a private conversation on IRC for starters, to get an idea of whether or not you actually like the guy? Converse, and if you think you might fancy him you can ask to hang out, or ask him on an official date, at your preference. And you can just hang out with a guy one-on-one without it being a date - hell, just the other day (did I mention that here? I forget) I asked a guy on a "one-off no strings attached date for funsies". He declined, citing personal reasons, but asked if I wanted to join him for a movie. I did: nice afternoon out, good company alone with a guy, no date. No pressure, being the point there.

[Heliomance]

Sigh. I miss being in a relationship. Since we're doing this again, though - here's my OKC profile for critique.