Relationship Woes and Advice 23: Answer Unclear, Try Again

[rogueboy]

I decided to host a small, no-romance-allowed Palentine for my single friends (or, my single friends who won't mind visiting on a Thursday.. of which I have three ). We'll meet, order a pizza or make horribly unromantic hotdogs, and then we'll shoot zombies all afternoon/evening. It'll be great!

That sounds awesome! I'll have to keep it in mind for the future...

My plans this year are going to involve indoor soccer, but that has less to do with V-day and more to do with it being a Thursday. I'll probably be unable to move on Friday, but so be it. Soccer! (yes, I'm slightly insane when it comes to soccer, what's your point?)

[Dallas-Dakota]

It's interesting: I'm a nervous wreck in telling a girl I like her, or giving a speech to a small audicence (like a classroom) but I've spoken in front of litereally thousands of people with no problem.

I often know what to say when speaking to my girlfriend, or in a fit of passion. But once I think its all over. I've gone over to thinking with my heart nearly all the time.

I sort of know the problem...In front of a couple of people or if it's just "for practice" or whatever, I'l only do OK and frumble. Even though I've spoken in front of hundreds or on one occasion, a thousand orso, not sure.(Political debates and a festival)

On the romantic side of life: It's seems it's just vanished. I've not turned asexual or apathetic to the idea it, rather like it even. It's just...kind of gone. A weird combination of little time, little hope and in the romance department, little self-esteem.

In fact, I do have desire for a girlfriend, but there's just not strong feelings from me to anybody in particular or anybody else interested in me.(as far as I can see) so yeah...

[Serpentine]

No real plans for Hallmark Day. Making dinner for a friend is all. But tomorrow I've invited a bunch of friends to Chocolatier San Churro for a post-Hallmark Day Debitterising.

[AtlanteanTroll]

I generally have no idea what to say to women. For example, girlfriend was saying she was getting fat. This is completely and utterly false. I said, with very obvious sarcasm in my voice. "Yes. You're totally getting fat." She now shares this story with all of our mutual friends saying that I told her she was fat even though she's admitted she knows I didn't.

*cough*

Anyway. First time I shall actually be celebrating Valentines as Valentines and not S.A.D. We're going out to lunch and I am giving her the last of my Belgian chocolate that I've been saving in the fridge. Am also going to Safe Haven this weekend.

Felt like sharing.

[Thufir]

Eat nutella by the spoonful? Who is so crazy as to have come up with that idea? I mean, it's tasty and all, but that would be an overload of stickiness and taste.

Spoonfuls of nutella are a delicious thing.

I generally have no idea what to say to women. For example, girlfriend was saying she was getting fat. This is completely and utterly false. I said, with very obvious sarcasm in my voice. "Yes. You're totally getting fat." She now shares this story with all of our mutual friends saying that I told her she was fat even though she's admitted she knows I didn't.

There is a time and place for sarcasm, and I'm pretty sure that was not it. The only exception would be if she was joking about it.
Or, well, actually I'm now thinking of ways I might have done the same sort of thing but differently phrased... I don't know! Though I do still think saying it the precise way you apparently said it was not a great idea.

[Serpentine]

I think it sounds like she's just teasing you. If she knows you didn't mean it, she's just messing with you. I think.

[AtlanteanTroll]

There is a time and place for sarcasm, and I'm pretty sure that was not it. The only exception would be if she was joking about it.
Or, well, actually I'm now thinking of ways I might have done the same sort of thing but differently phrased... I don't know! Though I do still think saying it the precise way you apparently said it was not a great idea.

Well. She also cut me off in the middle of it, but whatever. Nothing remotely close to being a bump in the relationship. I just wish she'd stop bringing it up as a conversation piece. I've made it pretty clear that's not what I meant and that I'm sorry if that's what she thought I meant and she's made it pretty clear she knows I didn't mean it. So. *shrug*

I think it sounds like she's just teasing you. If she knows you didn't mean it, she's just messing with you. I think.

She has admitted to thinking I am "adorable" when I am "flustered." So probably.

[Ceric]

I generally have no idea what to say to women. For example, girlfriend was saying she was getting fat. This is completely and utterly false. I said, with very obvious sarcasm in my voice. "Yes. You're totally getting fat." She now shares this story with all of our mutual friends saying that I told her she was fat even though she's admitted she knows I didn't.

*cough*

I personally would have answered with my most henpecked "Yes, dear, whatever you say, dear." Still sarcastic without letting her quote you on the F-word (the three-letter F-word ).

My boyfriend and I are postponing our V Day festivities for the weekend since we're both pretty busy with school, but I was planning to drop by his house and leave a surprise bouquet of bacon roses for him to find when he comes back from class. But now I'm not so sure if leaving cooked bacon out for several hours is a good idea. Or if his housemates will eat it before he even sees it. (Although the latter would be more hilarious than disappointing and it just means I wouldn't share the brownies with them this weekend )

Edit: Maybe I can just put it directly in their refridgerator

[The Succubus]

My boyfriend and I are postponing our V Day festivities for the weekend since we're both pretty busy with school, but I was planning to drop by his house and leave a surprise bouquet of bacon roses for him to find when he comes back from class. But now I'm not so sure if leaving cooked bacon out for several hours is a good idea. Or if his housemates will eat it before he even sees it. (Although the latter would be more hilarious than disappointing and it just means I wouldn't share the brownies with them this weekend )

That's adorable!

[Hadrian_Emrys]

I generally have no idea what to say to women. For example, girlfriend was saying she was getting fat. This is completely and utterly false. I said, with very obvious sarcasm in my voice. "Yes. You're totally getting fat." She now shares this story with all of our mutual friends saying that I told her she was fat even though she's admitted she knows I didn't.

*cough*

Anyway. First time I shall actually be celebrating Valentines as Valentines and not S.A.D. We're going out to lunch and I am giving her the last of my Belgian chocolate that I've been saving in the fridge. Am also going to Safe Haven this weekend.

Felt like sharing.

Whenever mine forgets her lesson, and makes comments like that, I silently spread my arms out wide and puff my cheeks like a puffer fish. With that rapid motion out of the way, I hold that pose while waddling about the room. -then I threaten to throw away the nutella in order to be supportive of the unnecessary weight loss plan she will be sure to embark upon. Once the swelling goes down enough so that I can see again, I can tell she enjoys this seasonal routine.

[Glass Mouse]

I generally have no idea what to say to women. For example, girlfriend was saying she was getting fat. This is completely and utterly false. I said, with very obvious sarcasm in my voice. "Yes. You're totally getting fat." She now shares this story with all of our mutual friends saying that I told her she was fat even though she's admitted she knows I didn't.

Sounds like she's just teasing. If it really bothers you (because yes, embarassing stories can really grate after a while), just tell her. She may think you found the situation as funny/weird/retell-worthy as she did

I've been teasing a friend of mine for something similar. He is marginally more socially aware than you, but still... When asked, "Am I fat?", the correct answer is NOT, "Nooo... you're just [euphemism for fat]."

A small PSA for everyone who doesn't get the fat thing: Most women are socialised to view fat not as neutral body fat, but as something inherently ugly-inducing - just look at the way popculture presents fat individuals as barely human. So when she says "I feel fat / I'm getting fat / etc." she's really saying "I feel ugly / I feel like I'm getting uglier and unworthy of love / etc."
So, a very good way to handle the discussion is to adress the real issue. So the correct answer is, "[smile] You're beautiful / I love you / I don't care about fatness / etc." or however you usually express such statements.

Just, well... My few cents on the subject.

[Morph Bark]

Sounds like she's just teasing. If it really bothers you (because yes, embarassing stories can really grate after a while), just tell her. She may think you found the situation as funny/weird/retell-worthy as she did

I've been teasing a friend of mine for something similar. He is marginally more socially aware than you, but still... When asked, "Am I fat?", the correct answer is NOT, "Nooo... you're just [euphemism for fat]."

Unless, of course, he says "Nooo... you're just morbidly obese."

Because then that's obviously a joke, at least if they're a friend. (But yes, even then that's still not the correct answer, as even in jest some people might be hurt by it.)

[Castaras]

Whenever mine forgets her lesson, and makes comments like that, I silently spread my arms out wide and puff my cheeks like a puffer fish. With that rapid motion out of the way, I hold that pose while waddling about the room. -then I threaten to throw away the nutella in order to be supportive of the unnecessary weight loss plan she will be sure to embark upon. Once the swelling goes down enough so that I can see again, I can tell she enjoys this seasonal routine.

That sounds hilarious.

[Morbis Meh]

Well for V-Day I am making my fiancee dinner: Bacon wrapped pork tenderloin in an apple butter glaze with rosemary roasted potatoes and brussel sprouted cokked with shallots and bacon... man i am so glad I learned how to cook makes my life so much easier in these situations As for all the bacon in the meal... she requested it, I am a lucky man!

[dehro]

true to internet fashion, I didn't have the time to finish reading the news about Pistorius and jokes about him and valentine's day were already all over the net

[Harugami]

Can I get some last minute advice, I need something that works better then counting down from 100 for panic attacks and small talk lots and lots of small talk I can write down or something. The date isn't for another 5 hours but I'm already really nervous.

[Jack Squat]

Can I get some last minute advice, I need something that works better then counting down from 100 for panic attacks and small talk lots and lots of small talk I can write down or something. The date isn't for another 5 hours but I'm already really nervous.

Just relax, take a deep breath, and be yourself

As far as small talk, brush up on your interests - that's what you'll be talking about. What do you do for fun, where do you work, what music/movies do you like?

If you need anything extra to talk about, look up a few local events/news stories.

Most importantly though, be confident and comfortable. You're going on a date to have a good time, have fun, and get to know someone better - that's hard to do if you're constantly worrying about what to say or what he thinks of you.

[Coidzor]

I generally have no idea what to say to women. For example, girlfriend was saying she was getting fat. This is completely and utterly false. I said, with very obvious sarcasm in my voice. "Yes. You're totally getting fat." She now shares this story with all of our mutual friends saying that I told her she was fat even though she's admitted she knows I didn't.

Yeah, keep this in mind if you ever want to get married, never agree with them on the subject of fat, they're just fishing for compliments, though the best way to get them to stop for a while at least is to respond each time with some form of impromptu exercise. Also, these cryptic words of wisdom from my best friend's father on the subject of his divorce "Hell hath no fury like a pregnant woman whose husband walks behind her making noises like a duck."

Anyway. First time I shall actually be celebrating Valentines as Valentines and not S.A.D. We're going out to lunch and I am giving her the last of my Belgian chocolate that I've been saving in the fridge. Am also going to Safe Haven this weekend.

Felt like sharing.

Hope lunch went well.

She has admitted to thinking I am "adorable" when I am "flustered." So probably.

She's probably bringing it up to tease you so that you're flustered then. The Bad Ideas Bear part of me suggests smooching her when she tries to bring it up. Alternatively, explain to her that she's had a good bit of fun with it already and it's starting to ouch in the feels.

Can I get some last minute advice, I need something that works better then counting down from 100 for panic attacks and small talk lots and lots of small talk I can write down or something. The date isn't for another 5 hours but I'm already really nervous.

Well, there's the weather. Local sports team. Discussion of whether anyone actually observes HIMYM's Desperation Day. Local events in your social sphere and interest groups. Once you start though, you should keep going.

Unfortunately if they're severe enough that breathing and meditative exercises can't control them for a social outing, all that I think we can really say is that you should probably seek out professional medical advice for them, as we certainly can't give you that.

[noparlpf]

Can I get some last minute advice, I need something that works better then counting down from 100 for panic attacks and small talk lots and lots of small talk I can write down or something. The date isn't for another 5 hours but I'm already really nervous.

It's a while later, but hopefully you get it. I find counting backwards from some large number (somewhere in the thousands) by some number (the default is seven) helps somewhat. I read about that technique in a scientific study involving fMRI, they used it to help clear the subject's mind in between two scans. Figured, hey, worth a shot to clear my mind normally, and it helps, because it's an unemotional activity that takes just a little bit of focus.

[dehro]

"Hell hath no fury like a pregnant woman whose husband walks behind her making noises like a duck."

that sounds like a Chevy Chase thing to do..

[Hadrian_Emrys]

That sounds hilarious.

It's wonderful.

Also, nothing shuts shuts down a girlfriend griping about weight like approaching her with a 'come hither' look, embracing her passionately, and using kisses to keep her from spouting any more nonsense.

-it's also, apparently, safer than threatening the chocolate supply. -_o

[Kymme]

Storytime:

So, I'm not currently engaged in any sort of romantic relationship, but I did bring a bouquet of roses to school for V Day.

And then I spent the whole day giving them to girls I fancy. Nothing too much, just greeting them, saying hey or whatever, and then whipping the rose out of my coat and handing it to them. I didn't do it as a pick up thing, or really as a sign of affection. I just did it to brighten up their respective days.

A lot of the girls I gave roses too, (12 in all) were really happy and gave me hugs afterwords. It gave me... a nice, warm feeling inside.

And that is how I spent my Valentines Day. Have a happy Valentines Day, everybody, and to continue the trend, here you all go:

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[AtlanteanTroll]

Yeah, keep this in mind if you ever want to get married, never agree with them on the subject of fat, they're just fishing for compliments, though the best way to get them to stop for a while at least is to respond each time with some form of impromptu exercise. Also, these cryptic words of wisdom from my best friend's father on the subject of his divorce "Hell hath no fury like a pregnant woman whose husband walks behind her making noises like a duck."

Noted. Noted hard.

Hope lunch went well.

Indeed it did! As did the rest of the day!

She's probably bringing it up to tease you so that you're flustered then. The Bad Ideas Bear part of me suggests smooching her when she tries to bring it up. Alternatively, explain to her that she's had a good bit of fun with it already and it's starting to ouch in the feels.

Hmm. Kissing her may not actually be that bad of an idea considering the relationship. I don't think this particular incident's going to get brought up again though.

[Harugami]

Thank you for the advice the date went great, turns out its hard to have a panic attack and giggle at the same time. He was a perfect gentleman and very sweet and funny so at the end of the night he walked me to my door and I got my first kiss.

If you must know, the constant panic attacks are from my social anxiety its like minor agoraphobia if it gets any worse I probably will be an agoraphobic.

[Grinner]

Thank you for the advice the date went great, turns out its hard to have a panic attack and giggle at the same time. He was a perfect gentleman and very sweet and funny so at the end of the night he walked me to my door and I got my first kiss.

Congratulations!

[Lazy Genius]

I am SUCH an idiot!

So if you've been aware of my previous posts (they're kind of all over the place), there's this girl I've liked for a while now, decided to send her flowers. The conversation that followed went something like this:

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It was over whatsapp, because we live a while away from one another.

Her: Hey I got your flowers. :) But I think it's best we stay friends.
Me: Why's that?
I mean; you don't even want to try dating for a while?
No I can't, I'm already dating someone, and that's going too well.
Oh, so I'm too late?
Uhhm, yea, I guess.
But who is it? I'm curious.
And I don't think I can really see you as boyfriend
You're a good friend, but no more
Nice guy from civil engineering study, you don't know him
Why no more? I didn't do anything wrong did I? didn't violate your trust did I?
Tell me what I did please
No you didn't do anything wrong...
It's just that I like you and no more than that
That's possible, but you never know until you try.
Plus, I thought you said no more a friend...
Said what?
That you said that I was no longer a friend, but that's not it.
No
You remain a friend
At least I have that, but I still think we should meet sometime, because using whatsapp is a little unclear.
Not a date, just as friends.
(this whole conversation above was over the course of half an hour, with quick responses from both, there's now a two-minute pause, longest yet)
Or not? You seem undecided
I'm busy, that's why it sometimes takes a while
I see you often enough at the society.. I'd like to talk then
En arranging a meeting is fine, but inded just as friends
How about tomorrow for dinner/movie? (Out to dinner and theater or staying at home with pizza and a dvd, your call)
Listen I like you and you're a great, sweet guy, but there's no more in it for me. I don't feel attracted to you, that happens.. But I'd like to stay friends and this way you're kind of ruining that too
Oh sorry, didn't mean to, what do you propose?
Well the way it's going now.. at the society being good company
Fine by me, I'm not there often anymore, but when I am, we can talk some.
Yes indeed
That's just good company

(for the dutch people out there, 'good company' is actually 'gezellig' but there's no real translation)

What do I do/how should I react? Also, the society is basically a frat/sorority in one, mixed gender, that kind of thing

[The Succubus]

She's worried that seeing you will damage her relationship with her boyfriend. The fact that she's had flowers from you and then an offer to go out to dinner followed by a night in on the couch - if you were in his shoes, how would you see things like that?

It might well be that you have no romantic intentions towards with regards to wanting to take her out for dinner. However, I'm going to need to ask you to be 100% honest with yourself - was there any romantic intent behind this gesture, whatsoever, at all, in anyway shape or form? Because if there was, I can guarantee she'll pick up on it.

My advice - she probably does still want you as a friend but she's just a little disconcerted from being asked out by you. She needs time to adjust to this and so do you. Give yourselves some space. Don't ignore or avoid her but on the other hand, don't actively seek her out either. Be polite and friendly when you happen to bump into each other and the warmth will slowly come back. If you try and force it, it'll do more harm than good.

*hugs* Good luck!

[Hadrian_Emrys]

Lazy Genius: What else is there to do? She's just not that into you. Either you are content with having a friend (and at least she is being honest and upfront with you rather than avoiding the awkward subject) or you step back and cast your line for another potential catch.

Stuff doesn't always work out when you make a move. Things like that don't make you an idiot.

As for what to do, or how to react: In your shoes, I'd soul search to see if you actually want to be friends. If you do, be an actual friend rather than a suitor-in-waiting. If you can't, just allow time and distance to let her drift peacefully out of your life.

[Hailphage]

@Lazy Genius: Not much that you can do I'm afraid. I've trawled back through the last few pages to find your posts, and I noted that you said you had previously made your intentions known to her (following her previous breakup) but that she 'wasn't ready' - now's she's suddenly revealed there's already another guy . Pretty much says it all really - she was never interested in you as a potential partner.

Best thing to do is buck up and move on. As for the girl herself, you'll have to decide whether to keep her in your friendship circle or just put her on the 'polite acquaintance' shelf from now on. At the very least though you might want to cease chaperoning her home.

[Lazy Genius]

To be fair, the flowers had a card with them:
"Hey Sanne,
Today is the day of love, so what better day to express it? I hope you have a beautiful day today.
Love, Robert"

In any case, I've had several girls that are now good friends of mine in which I've previously expressed an interest (never as strong as this one though, but still), so I think just friends would be good, I think I can, as has been said, be a friend, rather than a suitor-in-waiting. Only time will tell if that's the case.

So sad though...