Personal Woes and Advice 3

[Chen]

Huh. Didn't feel like this the first time. And besides, I've said before they can't change the external things that cause my unhappiness. They can help me feel better, but those external issues will still be issues, and I'll be back at square one near-instantly. My attitude can't make those issues just vanish or become solvable.

They can change your perception of those issues though. And its possible those real life issues are only such a problem because they are being viewed through the lens of depression. Through most of your posts, the real answer to helping resolve the issues really does look like therapy of some sort. Having a professional who is trained to deal with these types of things is going to help a lot more than any random advice untrained people can give you.

[The Succubus]

They can change your perception of those issues though. And its possible those real life issues are only such a problem because they are being viewed through the lens of depression. Through most of your posts, the real answer to helping resolve the issues really does look like therapy of some sort. Having a professional who is trained to deal with these types of things is going to help a lot more than any random advice untrained people can give you.

Chen's hit the nail on the head here. Attitude and perception dictate your emotional state, not vice versa. The problem is that you keep telling yourself that all your problems are insurmountable, thus relieving you of the responsibility of changing anything. Negative thoughts breed more negative thoughts - I've been reading up a lot about this sort of stuff recently as part of cognitive behavioral therapy.

A little food for thought for you - when people are nostalgic about the past, they're often accused of wearing rose tinted glasses and perceiving things more positively than they actually are. If this is correct, then shouldn't an opposite also exist, where you view everything in a negative context? Call it grey tinted glasses if you will. That's exactly what you're wearing right now.

The point of treating depression with either drugs, CBT or anything else isn't to swap one set of glasses for another, it's to teach you to see with your actual eyes what's right there in front of you, both the bad and the good and develop a logical and above all *balanced* view of the world. Does it mean you going to be joyous and happy forever? Of course not. Life will still hand you crap to deal with, because life isn't a sequence of rapturous events. But despite your insistence, life isn't an unbroken path of misery either. It's a mix of both. It's how you perceive it that dictates your emotional state.

Find some professional help and although it will take months or even years, you will stop wearing your grey tinted glasses. When you start...that's up to you.

[Kajhera]

Huh. Didn't feel like this the first time. And besides, I've said before they can't change the external things that cause my unhappiness. They can help me feel better, but those external issues will still be issues, and I'll be back at square one near-instantly. My attitude can't make those issues just vanish or become solvable.

Isn't necessarily the same each time ... having (different) external reasons contributing to depression will probably give a different flavor ...

Pretty sure mine is mostly an internal source, but my counselor's still been pointing me to actionable steps to improve my external situation. When you don't have ideas of your own ... can be helpful to talk to an additional source.

If you need specific people to know something ... have to tell them, and what you could use from them, otherwise they won't know and won't know how to help you. Bit of a truism but yeah. Personally have a lot of difficulty talking to people about (anything tricky) so need to remind myself of this often. Even if communication goes poorly can take solace in being brave enough to attempt it.

Meanwhile, keep moving, even if you don't find satisfaction in it like you did before there's apparently still benefit to pushing yourself to do things you like to do. Possibly even also things you feel obligated to do, routines, anything active.

**** it, let's face it; I'm broken. I don't work right like everyone else. Doctors and therapists wouldn't be able to help, I'm too broken. People don't understand me, and I don't understand people. What even am I? Am I even a person? I don't know anymore... Maybe I'm not, that would explain why no matter my attitude and feelings, I always get rejected or ignored.

You're a person. Don't have to work like everyone else to do so, everyone's brain works differently, we're ultimately all alone and unique in our little mindshells and a quite significant minority of our brains don't work 'normally'. I personally have a smaller corpus collosum meaning the hemispheres of my brain don't communicate very well, giving a remarkable amount of difficulty with language processing. Forget other people, I can't understand myself. Means I might not be the best person to talk to to be understood but I'll take that risk. The uniqueness of my brain also gives me perspectives and talents that set me apart in a good way from other people, though. My personal hero is Temple Grandin, because she took having a brain that didn't work normally, and showed that while it made life harder it could also be a strength in its own right. She also didn't settle for an easy answer on a divisive issue but I should probably not wander off too far on this tangent.

It's the job of a doctor or therapist to help us reconcile how our brain works with what we want out of life. If they can't help you that's not a failure on your part, it's just that helping people is hard and generally takes a lot of work, a lot of tries and a lot of false starts. Or they might not know what they're doing, which is unfortunate but a failure on their part, not yours.

[bluewind95]

Huh. Didn't feel like this the first time. And besides, I've said before they can't change the external things that cause my unhappiness. They can help me feel better, but those external issues will still be issues, and I'll be back at square one near-instantly. My attitude can't make those issues just vanish or become solvable.

**** it, let's face it; I'm broken. I don't work right like everyone else. Doctors and therapists wouldn't be able to help, I'm too broken. People don't understand me, and I don't understand people. What even am I? Am I even a person? I don't know anymore... Maybe I'm not, that would explain why no matter my attitude and feelings, I always get rejected or ignored.

Yeah. You're right. Attitude won't change your external issues. They'll always be issues. The only thing that can change the external situation is, well, an actual effort to change those things, and some things can't be changed. Believe me, I know.

But you know what? Life is perception, and perception is not just the external circumstances and issues. Perception is actually mostly attitude. And that's something you CAN change. And changing it requires you to stop thinking that you're broken, that you can't be helped. EVERYONE can be helped. The only prerequisite is that they are willing to be helped and to change. And by changing, I don't mean to change who you are. I mean to change the way you see things, and the way you do some things. And trust me, that can make ALL the difference in the world. I'm going to talk a bit about me, and I would like you to read it, Skeppio, though I must spoiler it for a few trigger warnings.

(If you are someone who knows me from offline life (family or friends), I ask you to respect me and not open this spoiler.)

Spoiler: Trigger warning for very negative thought patterns

Show

I can talk from experience. I haven't had a nice life. I was bullied half to death (and certainly 100% to my emotional death) when I was young. I was a sickly person back then, too, and my health went to the point where I was always vaguely sick. By the time I was 10, I hated the world and wanted to die. By the time I was 14, I spoke so little that many people around me didn't know what my voice sounded like. They also thought I hated everyone, so they kept their distance. Mind you, I didn't see them as respecting the boundaries I was unknowingly setting. I saw them as "See? They ignore me. LIKE EVERYONE ELSE". I was an incredibly antisocial creature, broken and convinced I was beyond help, that I was less than a person, worthless and without hope. I had a small respite then. But what happened? It went to waste. Why? Because of my attitude. I could not see the easy times. Or sometimes I did. But I was convinced I was too worthless for them. All this did was push people away when they reached out. And what happened? I never realized I was pushing them away. It took several people to hold me up and keep me going through those dark times. Another person didn't make it any easier, plunging me into an emotional hell from which I thought the only escape was death. I was sure my life was condemned to misery for as long as it lasted. No one could help me. No one could do anything for me. I was the most miserable creature in the planet. I wanted to die and often would harm myself.

... And then one of my friends had enough. Oh, a lot had abandoned me by then. But that friend didn't. He listened, he cared. He just stayed. But then he had enough. And he gave me the first ultimatum. If I gave up, he would give up on me. I was shocked! No one had given me an ultimatum like that before. Of course I did my best to hang on. But it didn't stop there. Once, when I was in one of my rants about how worthless I was*, he had enough of that too. He taught me one of the wisest lessons I have learned.

"YOU DON'T GET TO DECIDE THAT."

He asked me what I thought it felt like when a person that one cared about insisted that what one was feeling was a lie. That the person was too worthless to care about, that it was stupid anyone would bother with them, that they were too broken, beyond help, hardly a person. To have that person not only deny those feelings, but also to stomp over their freedom to choose. He said it was not MY business to decide what HE felt. Turns out that I had been so busy feeling sorry for myself and my impossible-to-help situation, that I hadn't stopped to think about this. I kept choosing for other people. Doing this is a VERY vicious lashing-out. And that's why people had abandoned me. Not because there was something intrinsically wrong with me. But because I viciously attacked them, telling them they were wrong to spend time with a worthless creature such as myself.

Well, shoot. To be sure, it took this friend several attempts to get me to understand. But when I did, everything changed. My situation was the same. And then Life decided that I'd had enough respite and it went worse. How much worse, you may ask? Well. My health finished breaking. I got diagnosed with 2 incurable conditions, one of which makes my body a time bomb that may or may not go off. I lived through about 2-3 years of intense pain, with absolutely no relief. To the point where I would cry myself to sleep some nights. And when I walked (which I did cos the thought of ending up in a wheelchair scared me), it would oftentimes be such agony that I'd shuffle around, going at about the speed of a turtle, wanting to pull my hair out due to how much it hurt. Though I have proper treatment now, I still have to live with the fact that this issue will never go away, I will have to pay for expensive medication all my life to keep it bearable, and it may hurt more than just all my joints at some point. I have had people tell me the dubious compliment of "if I had your life, I would kill myself".

And yet, despite having some of the worst times of my life, I'm also feeling better than ever. I have learned to let other people decide whether or not to spend time with me. I have stopped being terrified that a lack of response means they're "ignoring me and they hate me". I stopped obsessing over my lack of worth, cos that's not my decision. I put my best face forward (whether it's good or bad), and just say "This is me!" and let people decide for themselves. To be sure, I try to improve myself. Having friends isn't about being worthy. It's about selling the idea to people that they should spend time with you. And you do NOT "sell" this idea by loudly proclaiming "KEEP AWAY FROM ME. I AM WORTHLESS". Oh, it's easy to say "but I have nothing to offer!". But that isn't true. You have you. The LEAST you can say is "Hi! I'm Skeppio! And I am willing to be your friend!" That already is a good thing. And as you put yourself out there, you'll find out good things about yourself and you can present them too. "Hi! I'm Skeppio! I can be quite kind and I am willing to be your friend!". This is very different from the image you're sending now, which is "I'm Skeppio. I hate being Skeppio, cos I'm worthless. You shouldn't spend time with me, I have too many problems."

I'm not saying it's going to be easy. Oh, no. It's not. But I can offer you a few more tips. Take one negative thought. ANY negative thought. For example "People all hate me". And then tell yourself "People don't hate me. A lot of them don't even know me, and some even LIKE me." It will sound silly at first, but you'll end up believing it. All those negative things you believe about yourself? You do so cos you've told yourself them enough times. It works the other way around too. You'll find your Negative Inner Voice complaining LOUDLY of these things, especially at first. So debate with it. "Yes, some people like me. I have friends in this thread." "NO BUT THEY IGNORE YOU" "I'm sure they were doing something else at the time, or preoccupied" "BUT!!!!" and just keep finding reasons. You WILL eventually quiet down that voice, but it will take effort. Once you conquer that thought, move on to the next. It will become easier, because the first positive thoughts you've been cultivating will help you beat down the other thoughts. Negative thoughts are like weeds in the garden of the mind. You got to pull them out, while planting and caring for good thoughts.

Well, geez, this is long. I hope it helps in some way.


* = Try to avoid these. These tick people off and drive them away.

[The Succubus]

Yeah. You're right. Attitude won't change your external issues. They'll always be issues. The only thing that can change the external situation is, well, an actual effort to change those things, and some things can't be changed. Believe me, I know.

But you know what? Life is perception, and perception is not just the external circumstances and issues. Perception is actually mostly attitude. And that's something you CAN change. And changing it requires you to stop thinking that you're broken, that you can't be helped. EVERYONE can be helped. The only prerequisite is that they are willing to be helped and to change. And by changing, I don't mean to change who you are. I mean to change the way you see things, and the way you do some things. And trust me, that can make ALL the difference in the world. I'm going to talk a bit about me, and I would like you to read it, Skeppio, though I must spoiler it for a few trigger warnings.

(If you are someone who knows me from offline life (family or friends), I ask you to respect me and not open this spoiler.)

Spoiler: Trigger warning for very negative thought patterns

Show

I can talk from experience. I haven't had a nice life. I was bullied half to death (and certainly 100% to my emotional death) when I was young. I was a sickly person back then, too, and my health went to the point where I was always vaguely sick. By the time I was 10, I hated the world and wanted to die. By the time I was 14, I spoke so little that many people around me didn't know what my voice sounded like. They also thought I hated everyone, so they kept their distance. Mind you, I didn't see them as respecting the boundaries I was unknowingly setting. I saw them as "See? They ignore me. LIKE EVERYONE ELSE". I was an incredibly antisocial creature, broken and convinced I was beyond help, that I was less than a person, worthless and without hope. I had a small respite then. But what happened? It went to waste. Why? Because of my attitude. I could not see the easy times. Or sometimes I did. But I was convinced I was too worthless for them. All this did was push people away when they reached out. And what happened? I never realized I was pushing them away. It took several people to hold me up and keep me going through those dark times. Another person didn't make it any easier, plunging me into an emotional hell from which I thought the only escape was death. I was sure my life was condemned to misery for as long as it lasted. No one could help me. No one could do anything for me. I was the most miserable creature in the planet. I wanted to die and often would harm myself.

... And then one of my friends had enough. Oh, a lot had abandoned me by then. But that friend didn't. He listened, he cared. He just stayed. But then he had enough. And he gave me the first ultimatum. If I gave up, he would give up on me. I was shocked! No one had given me an ultimatum like that before. Of course I did my best to hang on. But it didn't stop there. Once, when I was in one of my rants about how worthless I was*, he had enough of that too. He taught me one of the wisest lessons I have learned.

"YOU DON'T GET TO DECIDE THAT."

He asked me what I thought it felt like when a person that one cared about insisted that what one was feeling was a lie. That the person was too worthless to care about, that it was stupid anyone would bother with them, that they were too broken, beyond help, hardly a person. To have that person not only deny those feelings, but also to stomp over their freedom to choose. He said it was not MY business to decide what HE felt. Turns out that I had been so busy feeling sorry for myself and my impossible-to-help situation, that I hadn't stopped to think about this. I kept choosing for other people. Doing this is a VERY vicious lashing-out. And that's why people had abandoned me. Not because there was something intrinsically wrong with me. But because I viciously attacked them, telling them they were wrong to spend time with a worthless creature such as myself.

Well, shoot. To be sure, it took this friend several attempts to get me to understand. But when I did, everything changed. My situation was the same. And then Life decided that I'd had enough respite and it went worse. How much worse, you may ask? Well. My health finished breaking. I got diagnosed with 2 incurable conditions, one of which makes my body a time bomb that may or may not go off. I lived through about 2-3 years of intense pain, with absolutely no relief. To the point where I would cry myself to sleep some nights. And when I walked (which I did cos the thought of ending up in a wheelchair scared me), it would oftentimes be such agony that I'd shuffle around, going at about the speed of a turtle, wanting to pull my hair out due to how much it hurt. Though I have proper treatment now, I still have to live with the fact that this issue will never go away, I will have to pay for expensive medication all my life to keep it bearable, and it may hurt more than just all my joints at some point. I have had people tell me the dubious compliment of "if I had your life, I would kill myself".

And yet, despite having some of the worst times of my life, I'm also feeling better than ever. I have learned to let other people decide whether or not to spend time with me. I have stopped being terrified that a lack of response means they're "ignoring me and they hate me". I stopped obsessing over my lack of worth, cos that's not my decision. I put my best face forward (whether it's good or bad), and just say "This is me!" and let people decide for themselves. To be sure, I try to improve myself. Having friends isn't about being worthy. It's about selling the idea to people that they should spend time with you. And you do NOT "sell" this idea by loudly proclaiming "KEEP AWAY FROM ME. I AM WORTHLESS". Oh, it's easy to say "but I have nothing to offer!". But that isn't true. You have you. The LEAST you can say is "Hi! I'm Skeppio! And I am willing to be your friend!" That already is a good thing. And as you put yourself out there, you'll find out good things about yourself and you can present them too. "Hi! I'm Skeppio! I can be quite kind and I am willing to be your friend!". This is very different from the image you're sending now, which is "I'm Skeppio. I hate being Skeppio, cos I'm worthless. You shouldn't spend time with me, I have too many problems."

I'm not saying it's going to be easy. Oh, no. It's not. But I can offer you a few more tips. Take one negative thought. ANY negative thought. For example "People all hate me". And then tell yourself "People don't hate me. A lot of them don't even know me, and some even LIKE me." It will sound silly at first, but you'll end up believing it. All those negative things you believe about yourself? You do so cos you've told yourself them enough times. It works the other way around too. You'll find your Negative Inner Voice complaining LOUDLY of these things, especially at first. So debate with it. "Yes, some people like me. I have friends in this thread." "NO BUT THEY IGNORE YOU" "I'm sure they were doing something else at the time, or preoccupied" "BUT!!!!" and just keep finding reasons. You WILL eventually quiet down that voice, but it will take effort. Once you conquer that thought, move on to the next. It will become easier, because the first positive thoughts you've been cultivating will help you beat down the other thoughts. Negative thoughts are like weeds in the garden of the mind. You got to pull them out, while planting and caring for good thoughts.

Well, geez, this is long. I hope it helps in some way.


* = Try to avoid these. These tick people off and drive them away.

Read this, print it out, then read it again. This is some of the best advice I've ever read on here.

[rogueboy]

Read this, print it out, then read it again. This is some of the best advice I've ever read on here.

Agreed, wholeheartedly. Heck, I can usually avoid the "I suck at life" thing, and I still saw a lot in there that could easily have been directed at me. The last paragraph about "weeds in the garden of the mind" is particularly relevant, as I have a tendency to overthink things and talk myself out of doing something I know that I should (next test of that comes tonight, yay! ).

[Skeppio]

I've been reading over and over, but I can't find any response that doesn't make me sound like a heartless monster. I don't know what to say in response. Saying something cheerful or hopeful would be lying, and we all know if I said I'll see a therapist, I'm probably lying just so you'll mistakenly think for at least a second that I'm more than a bitter selfish attention whore.

I'm not feeling any better and I'm not sure if anyone can help. All I feel is sadness, emptiness and regret. I wish I could go back and prevent my past mistakes. I wish I could go back to when people just knew me as a fun creative person. Before my depression took over. Now people see me as depression first and a person second. Everyone's wary of me. I wish people were happy to see me like they used to be. I miss the many friends who no longer speak to me. I don't even know if they still browse GitP, it's been so long since they abandoned me. I miss them. I miss my friends. I want them back... I miss everyone and everything that cared about and was happy to see me. I miss my rats. I miss....me.

[The Succubus]

Saying something pessimistic and despairing is just as much "lying" as saying something optimistic, not matter how much you want to insist it's true.

Millions of people all over the world suffer from depression. Millions of people all over the world successfully have their depression treated. What makes you so special that your depression is untreatable? Is it because you have other things going on? Okay, so we go from millions to hundreds of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of people in exactly the same mental position as you have depression. Hundreds of thousands of people in exactly the same mental position as you have their depression successfully treated. You can too - all you need to do is want it and then ask the right person.

All those things you miss? Most of them you can have back but you *will* have to fight for them. You have no choice about that. You will have to move way outside of your comfort zone/safety zone to do it though. You will have to force yourself to go to the doctor because the doctor won't come to you. You will have to force yourself to try out new things, even though you are unfairly pessimistic of how they might turn out. Fighting depression isn't easy but it will make you a more likeable person if you do. It took me about 15 years to figure that out. Don't waste 15 years like I did.

[Vedhin]

I'm not feeling any better and I'm not sure if anyone can help. All I feel is sadness, emptiness and regret. I wish I could go back and prevent my past mistakes. I wish I could go back to when people just knew me as a fun creative person. Before my depression took over. Now people see me as depression first and a person second. Everyone's wary of me. I wish people were happy to see me like they used to be. I miss the many friends who no longer speak to me. I don't even know if they still browse GitP, it's been so long since they abandoned me. I miss them. I miss my friends. I want them back... I miss everyone and everything that cared about and was happy to see me. I miss my rats. I miss....me.

Speaking as someone who has been in a very similar place, I feel compelled to offer my advice. I'll also reiterate what people have said previously about what bluewind95 posted: it's amazing advice.
But anyway, you say that you regret your past mistakes. That's something that has haunted me all my life, so I can definitely empathize with this. My advice: your past does not define your future. It helps shape it, but it does not define it. Life may have dealt you a bad hand of cards, but you decide how they are played. When you feel down about past mistakes, remind yourself that you cannot change them-- but you can steer your future.
You say that you wish things could be the way they were before depression. If that's what you want, act like the will be back that way. Be fun and creative. Digging a hole of self-pity won't help you; you have to find the determination to climb out. You talked about depression taking over; it's time to take back control.


Basically: Don't look back. Set your sights on a brighter future, and go there.




Also, hi Personal Woes and Advice thread! I had come here to vent, but my impromptu pep post seems to have cured my frustrations.

[Skeppio]

So, had the family Christmas party yesterday. It was fun, I had a great time and got to play with my cousins 2 year old daughter. So all a very nice day.
But like all good things in my life, it was just a distraction to catch me off guard for incoming misery and misfortune.

Spoiler

Show

It's too late. I'm beyond saving.

I've ruined a friendship I treasured above all others. And as a result, I've had to leave a game I was enjoying (but it turns out I wasn't any good at), I've lost the last remaining bits of trust that several people put in me, I've gone totally insane, and all I can do is relive my failures constantly. I want to destroy every shred of evidence that I ever existed.

No-one trusts me. No-one sees me as anything more than hate and misery. It's all I am. There's no hope for things to improve. Every time I try, I fail and people accuse me of never trying. EVERY ****ING TIME!!
No-one remembers my good deeds, or my efforts, or anything. I'll bet no-one remembers I kept updating these threads the past couple times. Not that it matters, if I didn't do it, someone else would have. Someone better. I'm easily replaced. I'm not worth a damn thing to anyone, and if I fail, I can just be discarded in favour of someone better. I am nothing. My whole life has been a waste of time and effort.

Some people suggested I try OkCupid to find someone. So I did. I've experienced more rejection, ignoring and self-doubt there in about a week than I have in years of the rest of my life. So that was "fun".

I don't get why anyone even bothers to pity me. It's all my fault. I ruin everything. If I saw a therapist, I'd just make them upset and resentful. No-one bothers talking to me anymore. I remember some times, when I've been feeling low, that people would talk to me themselves or PM me, asking if I'm okay, or even offering to do something with me like a game or some art. Those days are long-gone. No-one offers me that any more, because they all know any kind, creative or hopeful bit of me is long dead. No sense trying to help someone who's already dead. Don't bother mourning me, I'm not worth it.

The only times I actually want to take a second chance, is when it's too late. Now I've lost everything.

EDIT: You know what? Fine. Everyone wants to turn against me? Fine. Everyone wants to ignore me? Fine. You know what this means? I was right all along, about everyone!

[dehro]

I'm very sorry, and it may not be what you need to hear right now, but halfway through your post I was thinking "drama queen much?"
I can't help the feeling that you're letting emotions blind you to what there is in your life that is good and to those people who actually don't mind (I won't say care, because I don't know) having you in their life.

[Skeppio]

I'm very sorry, and it may not be what you need to hear right now, but halfway through your post I was thinking "drama queen much?"

I already know that's what you all think whenever I post.
I appreciate someone being honest for once though.

[The Succubus]

So, had the family Christmas party yesterday. It was fun, I had a great time and got to play with my cousins 2 year old daughter. So all a very nice day.
But like all good things in my life, it was just a distraction to catch me off guard for incoming misery and misfortune.

Spoiler

Show

It's too late. I'm beyond saving.

I've ruined a friendship I treasured above all others. And as a result, I've had to leave a game I was enjoying (but it turns out I wasn't any good at), I've lost the last remaining bits of trust that several people put in me, I've gone totally insane, and all I can do is relive my failures constantly. I want to destroy every shred of evidence that I ever existed.

No-one trusts me. No-one sees me as anything more than hate and misery. It's all I am. There's no hope for things to improve. Every time I try, I fail and people accuse me of never trying. EVERY ****ING TIME!!
No-one remembers my good deeds, or my efforts, or anything. I'll bet no-one remembers I kept updating these threads the past couple times. Not that it matters, if I didn't do it, someone else would have. Someone better. I'm easily replaced. I'm not worth a damn thing to anyone, and if I fail, I can just be discarded in favour of someone better. I am nothing. My whole life has been a waste of time and effort.

Some people suggested I try OkCupid to find someone. So I did. I've experienced more rejection, ignoring and self-doubt there in about a week than I have in years of the rest of my life. So that was "fun".

I don't get why anyone even bothers to pity me. It's all my fault. I ruin everything. If I saw a therapist, I'd just make them upset and resentful. No-one bothers talking to me anymore. I remember some times, when I've been feeling low, that people would talk to me themselves or PM me, asking if I'm okay, or even offering to do something with me like a game or some art. Those days are long-gone. No-one offers me that any more, because they all know any kind, creative or hopeful bit of me is long dead. No sense trying to help someone who's already dead. Don't bother mourning me, I'm not worth it.

The only times I actually want to take a second chance, is when it's too late. Now I've lost everything.

EDIT: You know what? Fine. Everyone wants to turn against me? Fine. Everyone wants to ignore me? Fine. You know what this means? I was right all along, about everyone!

This is a classic example of something called "disqualification", a negative thought pattern classically associated with depression. In the first half of your post you describe a very recent time when you enjoyed yourself and were happy but instead you skim over it and focus on non-specific depression issues, gradually making yourself more and more angry and upset.

But the negative thought pattern I see from you over and over is "mind-reading". You claim to know exactly what another person is thinking and then when they protest, you utterly dismiss what they say because you apparently know their own mind better than they do. Not only can this be rude but trust begins with actually listening **and accepting at face value** what another person is telling you. Nothing drives people away faster than when someone thinks they are lying all the time, because then what's the point in trying to communicate with them?

I already know that's what you all think whenever I post.
I appreciate someone being honest for once though.

See what I mean?

[dehro]

I already know that's what you all think whenever I post.
I appreciate someone being honest for once though.

see... I said it for a reason (other than thinking it in this particular instance, that is). I wanted to show, by your reaction to it, what I really wanted to say:
if you were actually open to listen to good things about you (from us or people actually in your life) or actively pursue ways out of your current rut, you would have reacted to the second part of my reply to you, not focused on the first half.
do you even lift want to feel better?
it seems to me that deep down, you don't, which is a bigger issue than your apparent social displacement. listen to Succubus.
I am not a friend of psychoanalysis and think people rely on it a bit too easily, sometimes looking for a way to justify generic weakness of character and lazyness...
in your case though, I do urge you to talk to somebody who is more qualified to listen to you than any of us here are.
and just to prevent you from interpreting this as a "don't bother us any longer with it", that is NOT what I mean. What I mean is that we can't really help you all that much, other than by listening... which is only a minimal part of what you need.
you might just find out that you don't aggravate that somebody as much as you think you do.. and guess what.. even IF you aggravate them, it's their job, let them be aggravated, as long as they help you gain some perspective, which is something I do believe you've lost, at least about yourself.

[Skeppio]

This is a classic example of something called "disqualification", a negative thought pattern classically associated with depression. In the first half of your post you describe a very recent time when you enjoyed yourself and were happy but instead you skim over it and focus on non-specific depression issues, gradually making yourself more and more angry and upset.

One good day, versus weeks, months, years even of misery, loneliness and bitterness. That's not even or balanced. That's why I "skimmed over" that event. It's just a drop in a sea of unhappiness.
And I had several non-specific issues there. I don't get upset without a reason. Maybe we could talk about those? Hell, I mentioned how people used to drop me a line, or ask if I wanted to do something. YOU were one of those people once upon a time, Succubus!
What happened? Everyone just....left me. I haven't had a PM here, or any other site I frequent in months, even years. It's like I barely exist anymore. People who used to care about me aren't even here at all anymore, like MonkeyBusiness. Everyone's just...gone. The good I once had in my life....is gone.

But the negative thought pattern I see from you over and over is "mind-reading". You claim to know exactly what another person is thinking and then when they protest, you utterly dismiss what they say because you apparently know their own mind better than they do. Not only can this be rude but trust begins with actually listening **and accepting at face value** what another person is telling you. Nothing drives people away faster than when someone thinks they are lying all the time, because then what's the point in trying to communicate with them?

Because what reason do they have to care? None, they don't know me and they never will. They're on the other end of the world. I don't trust people who claim to care and like me without a damn good reason. I've been back-stabbed way too many times in the past for that.

See what I mean?

To be fair, dehro said it first, not me.

see... I said it for a reason (other than thinking it in this particular instance, that is). I wanted to show, by your reaction to it, what I really wanted to say:
if you were actually open to listen to good things about you (from us or people actually in your life) or actively pursue ways out of your current rut, you would have reacted to the second part of my reply to you, not focused on the first half.
do you even lift want to feel better?
it seems to me that deep down, you don't, which is a bigger issue than your apparent social displacement. listen to Succubus.
I am not a friend of psychoanalysis and think people rely on it a bit too easily, sometimes looking for a way to justify generic weakness of character and lazyness...
in your case though, I do urge you to talk to somebody who is more qualified to listen to you than any of us here are.
and just to prevent you from interpreting this as a "don't bother us any longer with it", that is NOT what I mean. What I mean is that we can't really help you all that much, other than by listening... which is only a minimal part of what you need.
you might just find out that you don't aggravate that somebody as much as you think you do.. and guess what.. even IF you aggravate them, it's their job, let them be aggravated, as long as they help you gain some perspective, which is something I do believe you've lost, at least about yourself.

I do aggravate people, even when I don't realise it and don't want it. Hell, I'm probably being lenient on myself, given how angry they were. And as I've said before, therapists can't bring these friends back. They can't make things better. Hell, I saw one for over a year and things looked pretty good. But everything kept crashing down, despite my best efforts. When my best is nowhere near good enough, what's left for me to do?
Emotions aren't blinding me. If there was such good in my life, I wouldn't be so depressed. And if people care, why does no-one talk to me unless I goad them into responding? Seriously, it's the only way I can get anyone to even look my way for a minute!
Also, I would like to note; Accusing me of "not wanting to get better" is a great way to drive me completely berserk (not that I can do anything, given you're not here in person). Just because I don't have the power to immediately fix my depression doesn't mean I don't want to. Hell, a therapist I saw frequently for over a year couldn't, does that mean he didn't want to help me?

[The Succubus]

One good day, versus weeks, months, years even of misery, loneliness and bitterness. That's not even or balanced. That's why I "skimmed over" that event. It's just a drop in a sea of unhappiness.
And I had several non-specific issues there. I don't get upset without a reason. Maybe we could talk about those? Hell, I mentioned how people used to drop me a line, or ask if I wanted to do something. YOU were one of those people once upon a time, Succubus! What happened? Everyone just....left.



Because what reason do they have to care? None, they don't know me and they never will. They're on the other end of the world. I don't trust people who claim to care and like me without a damn good reason. I've been back-stabbed way too many times in the past for that.:

I stopped talking with you via PM because I was tired of being dismissed all the time. I would try to say something encouraging and you would launch into a rant about how the whole of society hated you and that you hated everyone. I tried to talk with you about your artwork but instead you grew angry and resentful because people weren't commenting on it as often as you wanted. In short, most conversations with you became *about* you and I felt more like a third rate psychiatrist with an unsatisfied patient than a friend. I felt like a dumping ground / punching bag for your anger and depression.

I got tired of being rejected as not being good enough because "I was just a voice on the other side of the world". Just because I wasn't physically there in person, it meant my opinions, suggestions and attempts at encouragement were worthless.

You've said you've been hurt before because you trusted someone and they let you down. Now you don't trust anyone and drive people away. Friendships, relationships - ALL of them start with trust and are maintained by trust. Does it mean people will let you down? Yes. People will fail you, betray you and disappoint you because humans screw up, either accidently or deliberately. What you've decided is that because some people have let you down, no-one is worthy of your trust and everyone is worthy of your contempt.

That psychiatrist that helped you for a year. You've just said they helped you a lot. Go back to them.

[ufo]

Skeppio, it really hurts me to see how you feel towards these kind words and thoughts. Your words radiate a firm belief that something's fundamentally wrong with you and that the things you've done changed nothing (defined from no standard in particular).

I imagine that whenever someone dares say they've been where you are, or know how you feel that it makes you twitch - at least that's how I felt, hah. Thing is, I don't want to seem arrogant by saying that I have a comprehensive knowledge of your pain, but I'd like to share some things, maybe you'll think it's worth your time

First of all, let me assure you that if these people truly pitied you or didn't care, they'd laugh it off, close their browser and eat Christmas confectionaries or whatever. Some people simply care, regardless of faces or emotionless digital avatars. You should stop being ashamed of your own sadness.

You don't have to live towards a greater cause or with a super far-sighted perspective. Fact is that even though many people, institutions and authorities seem to think otherwise, there's nothing close to a qualified guess at any sort of purpose in life. I don't want to get too philosophical on this, I'm just trying to say that whenever you feel that you've under-achieved, it's good to be conscious of the fact that that feeling makes absolutely no sense considering the complete lack of a meaningful standard.

I urge you to check out this topic:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Absurdism
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Albert_Camus

I'd hate to tell you that all your friends will probably come back and things will be like they used to, because I don't know you and your friends and I have absolutely no idea. Excuse me if this seems arrogant, but seeing as you're a contributing member of this here roleplaying forum and your writing is excellent, I'll take a leap of faith and assume that you appreciate a good story. Try to narrate a good story - if you feel like you've lost everything it might as well be a blank slate, only lacking the opportunity to fill in all the blank. You have no obligation to your past life and values, so if there's any of that you weren't satisfied with, now's the time.

And well, there's some practical stuff. This is probably the part that's the most tempting to skip over, so... please don't, I guess? Really, if you care nothing for everything else, please be respectful enough to at least heed this part, I'd appreciate that. Depending on your hemisphere, these may or may not be dark times with little light from above. Regardless, you should step outside every day, show your face to the sun and take a deep breath of air. You don't have to hang out or anything (unless you feel like it, of course), just pop out the door and say hello to the inside of the asylum. Drink water - this is really serious! Unless you're some radical hippie, we're all severely addicted to sugar and caffeine, and right now it doesn't seem like your body needs these sources of anxiety. These addictions are thrown to the wind easily with a bit of concentration. Last, but not least, indulge your senses. Explore visual arts and music, find out what kind of impressions that help you focus and drown out the sadness.

Even though you consider yourself worthless, you're not going to get anyone to accept that point of view simply by repeating it over and over, least of all the overwhelmingly caring people on this forum. So ask yourself if you'd rather spend time proving that point or changing the fact.

<3

<3

[Skeppio]

I stopped talking with you via PM because I was tired of being dismissed all the time. I would try to say something encouraging and you would launch into a rant about how the whole of society hated you and that you hated everyone. I tried to talk with you about your artwork but instead you grew angry and resentful because people weren't commenting on it as often as you wanted. In short, most conversations with you became *about* you and I felt more like a third rate psychiatrist with an unsatisfied patient than a friend. I felt like a dumping ground / punching bag for your anger and depression.

I got tired of being rejected as not being good enough because "I was just a voice on the other side of the world". Just because I wasn't physically there in person, it meant my opinions, suggestions and attempts at encouragement were worthless.

Oh right... Sorry, sometimes new stuff piles on top of old stuff and I forget how much of a ****ing ******* I've been in the past. I sincerely apologise for treating you like **** and like a punching bag back then...that was back when I was posting my older art, right? The little monster things? Before I took an "extended break" from posting art. I started posting new stuff a bit more recently. And I admit, back then, it was a combination of "how am I meant to utilise feedback if i don't get any" and jealousy. I just wanted something I could make and be good at, and that others would enjoy.
I'd actually forgotten that we'd gotten to that point in PMs. It's been too long...

You've said you've been hurt before because you trusted someone and they let you down. Now you don't trust anyone and drive people away. Friendships, relationships - ALL of them start with trust and are maintained by trust. Does it mean people will let you down? Yes. People will fail you, betray you and disappoint you because humans screw up, either accidently or deliberately. What you've decided is that because some people have let you down, no-one is worthy of your trust and everyone is worthy of your contempt.

To be fair, it's not a small number of people that have betrayed, back-stabbed or otherwise turned their back on me (a lot of them are from earlier in my life, long before my depression became noticeable). It leaves a bit of an impression. I honestly don't know how you can put trust in people so easily. I wish I knew how...I feel like I lost that ability years ago.

That psychiatrist that helped you for a year. You've just said they helped you a lot. Go back to them.

I didn't say they helped. I said their efforts still couldn't prevent everything from crashing down and fueling my depression all over again.

Skeppio, it really hurts me to see how you feel towards these kind words and thoughts. Your words radiate a firm belief that something's fundamentally wrong with you and that the things you've done changed nothing (defined from no standard in particular).

A firm belief that has plenty of backing. All I do is ruin people's day and offer nothing of value. Sounds like something's pretty wrong to me. And I've changed things, but never for the better. This is derived from....well, all my past experiences worth mentioning.

I imagine that whenever someone dares say they've been where you are, or know how you feel that it makes you twitch - at least that's how I felt, hah. Thing is, I don't want to seem arrogant by saying that I have a comprehensive knowledge of your pain, but I'd like to share some things, maybe you'll think it's worth your time

First of all, let me assure you that if these people truly pitied you or didn't care, they'd laugh it off, close their browser and eat Christmas confectionaries or whatever. Some people simply care, regardless of faces or emotionless digital avatars. You should stop being ashamed of your own sadness.

I don't get why though. I'm not a good investment. Care about someone else who needs it, they'll appreciate it a lot more.

You don't have to live towards a greater cause or with a super far-sighted perspective. Fact is that even though many people, institutions and authorities seem to think otherwise, there's nothing close to a qualified guess at any sort of purpose in life. I don't want to get too philosophical on this, I'm just trying to say that whenever you feel that you've under-achieved, it's good to be conscious of the fact that that feeling makes absolutely no sense considering the complete lack of a meaningful standard.

I have under-achieved, it's undeniable. If there's no standard to go off, there should be. Maybe I could set one up, just so we have a measuring stick, but I assure you, I'd be in the "under-achieving" section no matter who makes it. Unless you consider my crappy excuse for a life "achieving".

I'd hate to tell you that all your friends will probably come back and things will be like they used to, because I don't know you and your friends and I have absolutely no idea. Excuse me if this seems arrogant, but seeing as you're a contributing member of this here roleplaying forum and your writing is excellent, I'll take a leap of faith and assume that you appreciate a good story. Try to narrate a good story - if you feel like you've lost everything it might as well be a blank slate, only lacking the opportunity to fill in all the blank. You have no obligation to your past life and values, so if there's any of that you weren't satisfied with, now's the time.

Um...my past life is a part of me. I'd be pretty arrogant and uncaring to suddenly deny it all or pretend it didn't happen. And I have no idea where you get the impression I'm a good roleplayer. Every bit of RP I've been in died, except the latest PbP game I was in, which I was recently removed from. I'm a horrible story-teller/writer, even worse than my artistic skill.

And well, there's some practical stuff. This is probably the part that's the most tempting to skip over, so... please don't, I guess? Really, if you care nothing for everything else, please be respectful enough to at least heed this part, I'd appreciate that. Depending on your hemisphere, these may or may not be dark times with little light from above. Regardless, you should step outside every day, show your face to the sun and take a deep breath of air. You don't have to hang out or anything (unless you feel like it, of course), just pop out the door and say hello to the inside of the asylum. Drink water - this is really serious! Unless you're some radical hippie, we're all severely addicted to sugar and caffeine, and right now it doesn't seem like your body needs these sources of anxiety. These addictions are thrown to the wind easily with a bit of concentration. Last, but not least, indulge your senses. Explore visual arts and music, find out what kind of impressions that help you focus and drown out the sadness.

I live in the Southern Hemisphere and it's Summer, so there's plenty of sun. If I could, I'd pack it up and mail it to you or someone who wants it. I hate the sun. My room faces the sunrise and during Summer, it makes my room intolerably hot. I'm not sure if additional sun exposure will help improve my mood given my already volatile hatred of it.
Really? I've never noticed any caffeine-related problems in my life, and I love my soda. It's one of the few things that's momentarily pleasant in my life.
And I do explore visual arts, music, etc. Most of the time, it just makes me compare it to my own art and realise I'm terrible. I like my music though I'm getting bored of what I have and OSTs for games I like tend not to be released in my country.

Even though you consider yourself worthless, you're not going to get anyone to accept that point of view simply by repeating it over and over, least of all the overwhelmingly caring people on this forum. So ask yourself if you'd rather spend time proving that point or changing the fact.

<3

<3

A shame really, I thought having all the evidence with me would help too, but people still deny it.
I'd love to change it, but what's the point? I've already lost all my friends, and anyone else who knows me will assume I'm gonna be a hateful sad-sack anyway no matter what.

[Somensjev]

skeppio, it may be a bit presumptuous of me to say anything about what you're going through, after all, i only vaguely know what's wrong, but it definitely seems to me that there are people who (even if you don't trust them) trust you, even some people on the forum, and you dont seem to have lost trust in every one, i mean, if you didn't trust the playgrounders you wouldn't keep talking on this forum about it, right?

and, as for my two cents worth, it seems to me that whenever something goes bad in your life you start beating yourself up about it, and try to work out how it's your fault (i'm just assuming this, not sure of it's accuracy), now, i'm not saying this is justified or anything, but as long as you aren't 100% sure why something happened, think of all possible reasons, and assume the best, unless proven otherwise, then move onto the second best, etc (not sure if this even constitutes as advice.. but i figure it might help, even a little, so it's worth a try)

(this post got away from me a bit..)


tl:dr ignore my inane rambling, try to take everything in stride, think of the possible good reasons, if no good reasons are presented consider how to cheer yourself up, see if you can talk to the other party about the issue, yadda yadda yadda

[Skeppio]

skeppio, it may be a bit presumptuous of me to say anything about what you're going through, after all, i only vaguely know what's wrong, but it definitely seems to me that there are people who (even if you don't trust them) trust you, even some people on the forum, and you dont seem to have lost trust in every one, i mean, if you didn't trust the playgrounders you wouldn't keep talking on this forum about it, right?

Surprisingly, you're the first person to think that maybe I do have a bit of trust left in people, otherwise I wouldn't talk here at all.

and, as for my two cents worth, it seems to me that whenever something goes bad in your life you start beating yourself up about it, and try to work out how it's your fault (i'm just assuming this, not sure of it's accuracy), now, i'm not saying this is justified or anything, but as long as you aren't 100% sure why something happened, think of all possible reasons, and assume the best, unless proven otherwise, then move onto the second best, etc (not sure if this even constitutes as advice.. but i figure it might help, even a little, so it's worth a try)

That's because it is my fault. I'm the single common factor in everything that goes wrong in my life. It's because I'm hateful, stupid, lazy, undisciplined, ugly, abrasive and an all-round failure.

(this post got away from me a bit..)


tl:dr ignore my inane rambling, try to take everything in stride, think of the possible good reasons, if no good reasons are presented consider how to cheer yourself up, see if you can talk to the other party about the issue, yadda yadda yadda

Yeah, there's a problem with that. The people who've left me? They're not interested in talking again. Ever. Otherwise, they wouldn't sever contact with me. Which happens a lot more often than you'd think. Not much point in thinking of good things if I've got no-one to share it with, and no-one who'd want me to share it.

[The Succubus]

You know, before this week, your name cropped up a couple of times in conversations I'd had with my friends and I found myself thinking on when I used to PM you. I then started thinking about a recent development in your life that started with rainbow stockings and even resulted in a photo of you in that black dress you have. When I saw that photo, I was honestly stunned because I'd never seen a photo of you before in all my time on the Playground. In order for that to happen, your self confidence actually reached a new height. For quite a long time afterwards, you were happy and I said to my friends that you really seemed to be turning around.

This is the bit I really want you to read: you are still turning around and you are getting better. These past few days have been bad for you. It does not undo the progress you have made. It will not undo the progress you *will* make. There will be times, like this week, when your depression will return and yes, you may end up biting someone as a result. But the Skeppio I know today is much more upbeat than the Skeppio I knew 18 months ago.

You still have work ahead of you but you have made huge strides from where you were. Do not ignore this.

[Skeppio]

You know, before this week, your name cropped up a couple of times in conversations I'd had with my friends and I found myself thinking on when I used to PM you. I then started thinking about a recent development in your life that started with rainbow stockings and even resulted in a photo of you in that black dress you have. When I saw that photo, I was honestly stunned because I'd never seen a photo of you before in all my time on the Playground. In order for that to happen, your self confidence actually reached a new height. For quite a long time afterwards, you were happy and I said to my friends that you really seemed to be turning around.

One happy droplet in an ocean of misery. I haven't even touched that dress in weeks, and haven't put on my polish in months. It's all in the past. One moment where I was arrogant enough to think someone would want to see me (yeah right, I'm as attractive as a car crash).

This is the bit I really want you to read: you are still turning around and you are getting better. These past few days have been bad for you. It does not undo the progress you have made. It will not undo the progress you *will* make. There will be times, like this week, when your depression will return and yes, you may end up biting someone as a result. But the Skeppio I know today is much more upbeat than the Skeppio I knew 18 months ago.

The Skeppio you "knew" is long dead. She's never coming back. And I've been depressed for longer than the past few days. It's just, they've happened to fuel my depression more than usual. All previous progress was for nothing. It's all destroyed. If anything, I'm even worse. Back then I still had some very valuable friends to help me through the dark times. Now I have nothing.
It doesn't matter. Even if that Skeppio rose from the grave, her friends won't be there to welcome her back. They're gone. They've left me forever. Better to rot away than try to return to a world that's forgotten me.

You still have work ahead of you but you have made huge strides from where you were. Do not ignore this.

No I haven't. Find one stride forward that wasn't beaten by a leap backwards. You cannot. There is no hope for me and there never will be.

[Somensjev]

Surprisingly, you're the first person to think that maybe I do have a bit of trust left in people, otherwise I wouldn't talk here at all.

i thought it was obvious that you must still be able to trust, even just a little

That's because it is my fault. I'm the single common factor in everything that goes wrong in my life. It's because I'm hateful, stupid, lazy, undisciplined, ugly, abrasive and an all-round failure.

please don't say that about yourself? you seem like a lovely person, and beating yourself up and insulting yourself won't impact your life in any way except negatively, instead of looking at all your faults, and blaming everything bad that happens on them, think of all your positive attributes, and what you've done because of them, and what you've done despite your flaws

Yeah, there's a problem with that. The people who've left me? They're not interested in talking again. Ever. Otherwise, they wouldn't sever contact with me. Which happens a lot more often than you'd think. Not much point in thinking of good things if I've got no-one to share it with, and no-one who'd want me to share it.

if they won't talk with you find someone else who will, even if it's some random person, if you feel comfortable telling them and they don't mind then go for it

if worst comes to worst i can talk to you, i mean sure, i barely know you, but i think you're nice, i'll happily listen, and trust me, it's difficult nigh-impossible to drive me away

answers in bold (obviously )

i was not awaiting a response, i was certain i was getting too far ahead of myself, and much too presumptuous, i apologise if i ever say anything to offend while i try to help you

[The Succubus]

No I haven't. Find one stride forward that wasn't beaten by a leap backwards. You cannot. There is no hope for me and there never will be.

You built up the courage to come out to your mum. Your prediction about her reaction was wrong and she accepted you.

You wore a dress for the first time.

You met up with some Playgrounders in the flesh and went shopping together, which put you in a position to do some of the above.

......


These are a few examples that spring to mind. But instead of me going through your life and finding the good bits, you have to do it because you do not trust me and dismiss what I'm trying to tell you.


I think you also misunderstood. I'm saying the person you are NOW is better than who you were. It's curious how you tend to look at the past with rose tinted glasses but insist on wearing grey tinted glasses when looking at your present and future.

[Skeppio]

i thought it was obvious that you must still be able to trust, even just a little

You'd think so. Most seem to disagree anyway.

please don't say that about yourself? you seem like a lovely person, and beating yourself up and insulting yourself won't impact your life in any way except negatively, instead of looking at all your faults, and blaming everything bad that happens on them, think of all your positive attributes, and what you've done because of them, and what you've done despite your flaws

Good. I deserve negative impacts in my life. I'm not a lovely person, and if you've seen me anywhere else, that would be obvious. Whatever positive attitudes I may have once had, nothing of worth or value came as a result of them. And no-one cared.

if they won't talk with you find someone else who will, even if it's some random person, if you feel comfortable telling them and they don't mind then go for it

if worst comes to worst i can talk to you, i mean sure, i barely know you, but i think you're nice, i'll happily listen, and trust me, it's difficult nigh-impossible to drive me away

Not gonna happen. If the people closest to me don't care and/or have had enough of me, what are the chances a random stranger will care about someone they've never met?

You built up the courage to come out to your mum. Your prediction about her reaction was wrong and she accepted you.

We haven't talked about it since and nothing's changed. I may as well have never told her.

You wore a dress for the first time.

A dress that looks terrible on me, barely fits, and I haven't touched in weeks.

You met up with some Playgrounders in the flesh and went shopping together, which put you in a position to do some of the above.

And I ****ed that up, got into an argument and spoiled a cherished friendship with one of them, ruining the whole thing. Other playgrounders? Lost contact with them, and haven't heard back.

These are a few examples that spring to mind. But instead of me going through your life and finding the good bits, you have to do it because you do not trust me and dismiss what I'm trying to tell you.

There's hardly any, and I wouldn't remember most of them anyway. I pick through my life all the time, with a fine-toothed comb, and all I find are bad things I've done and times I've been miserable.
I re-iterate: That Skeppio you once "knew" is deader than dead.

I think you also misunderstood. I'm saying the person you are NOW is better than who you were. It's curious how you tend to look at the past with rose tinted glasses but insist on wearing grey tinted glasses when looking at your present and future.

I'm BETTER than I was? Impossible, I couldn't possibly be worse than I am now. Even back then I had some redeeming qualities and friends who wanted to be around me of their own free will.

[The Succubus]

When you're ready to listen instead of just hearing and you're ready to talk instead of just speaking, you will get the answer you want.

[Skeppio]

When you're ready to listen instead of just hearing and you're ready to talk instead of just speaking, you will get the answer you want.

What makes you so sure of that? Do you know the answer I want?

[Kalmageddon]

Skeppio, I think at this point, you are actively looking for ways to kick you down. You probably won't start recovering until you are at the lowest point possibile, so good luck with that, I've been there and it's not easy to pick up the pieces afterwards.

[Skeppio]

Skeppio, I think at this point, you are actively looking for ways to kick you down. You probably won't start recovering until you are at the lowest point possibile, so good luck with that, I've been there and it's not easy to pick up the pieces afterwards.

I don't have to look very hard. And I'm already at the lowest possible point. I've lost everything I cherished, through my own fault, and now I'm beyond the point of recovery. I wish I was dead. At least then my outside would finally match my inside.

[dehro]

Hell, a therapist I saw frequently for over a year couldn't, does that mean he didn't want to help me?

There are hospitals full of people who are being given treatment to cure an addiction... a good share of them end up re-lapsing as soon as they're back on the street, not for flaws in the treatment or lack of commitment in the doctors. Some decide they've had enough and find the benefit in the treatment. This too is unlikely to be due to particular virtue of the hospital staff. A therapist is not a wizard. He is a crutch, it's up to you to wield it so that you can stand up.

If there was such good in my life, I wouldn't be so depressed.

Yeah.. I'm going to call bull on that.
Not because of you or because of your circumstances of which I know nothing, but because what little I know of depression tells me that people can be depressed no matter what good circumstances they could use as crutch to lift themselves out of depression.
People can be happily married, have children and a carreer to live for, both of which potentially rewarding, they may be surrounded by friends... and still be depressed, because either they don't see these things, don't give them enough credit or let them fade in front of the crippling weight that the depression puts on their shoulders.
So they end up in the self fulfilling rut of repeating over and over that the world and everybody in it hates them until they've repeated it so often that even the best meaning people start to lose interest and avoid them, thereby making the statement true.

Spoiler: it's tooo long!!

Show

so.. you do have people that care about you, and you know it, or you wouldn't be having a good time at christmas reunions, because when you feel hated by everybody there's no amount of jolly festivities, social platitudes and presents that can change your mood (I've spent my share of parties moping in a corner for no good reason, and that was without being depressed)
There are plenty of people on here who ARE giving you the time of day you seem to be seeking from others.
You have experienced good things from therapy before, however small... so these things are possible and there's no reason that they shouldn't continue to be possible for you, either with the same people or with new people.
There's about 8 billions of us around. I'm pretty sure that if you occasionally stopped feeling sorry for yourself and actively tried to chase people away to prove your point, you might just bump into a person or two that don't hate the sight of you.. if for no other reason, because you're not that special.

If there was such a thing as a subject of universal hate for which it was impossible to have fondness, love, friendship, I'm fairly confident that it wouldn't be you.
Convicted serial killers and pedophiles have people who love them, care for them, see the good, however small, in them and sometimes even marry them.... hell.. even Hitler was married (ok, he spent his honeymoon dead, in a ditch covered in petrol and on fire... but surelly you can do better than that?)
If you truly believe that you're no better than them or that you have a worse fate in store than them... you need to stop being that conceited. Because the world really isn't out to get you.

I do realize that if you suffer from depression this may all sound cruel, unfeasible or false, but I do believe it to be true.
Now, shaking the habit of depression must be about as difficult as shaking a drug addiction, with the aggravating factor that you don't get the highs you get from actually using drugs (or so I'm told.. never tried it).. so, the hard truth is that, just like with addictions, to get out of your situation you must not only want it "leisurely" and then fall back into the same habits that don't really lead anywhere..
You have to want it badly enough to do something about it... whether it starts with new therapy, medication, a change of scenery of whatever works... or whatever you find works after you've tried your best with other things that didn't work out.
Crying out for help is positive... it allows you to vent and maybe putting down stuff on paper (or screen) helps defining the shape of what you feel doesn't work.. but in and off itself it's not enough.
It's a tiny band-aid trying to pull together a gaping wound. Until you are ready to take things on board, to do something believing in it enough that you're not holding back in the expectation of failure, and seek help from those who would be willing to give it you if you gave them a chance, all you will ever do is the occasional cry for attention, and that just isn't enough.
With substance abuse they talk about hitting rock bottom and either die or waking up... you sound like you're hitting rock bottom and trying to dig further instead, what with being aware, wellspoken and intelligent enough to recognize your predicament but still unable/unwilling to wake up.

All that energy you spend "hating" people, telling people that they don't know you, understand you, your circumstances or misfortunes and loneliness, justifying your reasons for feeling like crap, arguing that it's useless to give you any advice because you're doomed and just waiting to die, is time and energy wasted that you could use doing something good for yourself.

do accept that:
You cannot do this alone.
There are people out there who could help you, some of them even want to, and their name isn't Santa, they exist.
You are going to have to put your best effort in finding them and fighting your instincts that keep telling you ways to get rid of them.
Nobody can do it for you. At best, people can help.
It won't get any better any time soon.
It will never get better if you don't put everything you are and have into making things better.
If you don't do that, you need to stop blaming others for your lack of commitment.
Yelling at the world that you were right every time something negative happens is a very minor satisfaction compared to yelling that you're still alive and willing to fight for something good to come your way.... but even that is pointless if you don't mean it.
No amount of yelling will get you the solution to your problems. If it did, I'd be yelling for money every waking hour of my day... but that would be unreasonable, as it is of you to expect any different just because your problem/problems aren't quantifiable in hard cash.
You sound like you've turned living into a competition aimed at proving your point and proving that you're right at being miserable and right that there's nothing in the world that can save you from your misery.
Instead of relying on others with the foreknowledge that you'll sabotage anyone willing to be dependable, try being as willing and invested in proving yourself wrong, for a change.
If someone other than yourself was crying out for being in the situation you feel you are in.. what would you say to him to encourage or motivate him?