Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

[Jon_Dahl]

My guess would be that she only speaks Portuguese and finds it embarassing to admit that. She could have just not noticed the question or thought it important, though. Did you write that you want to know about her language skills because you're not that good at Portuguese, or did you just ask without mentioning why?

It was a direct question without any explanation as to why I had asked it.

[Karoht]

Fear isn't the best word. I just don't really want to talk to them about depression. Which is probably a terrible idea. The cruise ship idea is surprisingly good, would I need to be 21 to do that?

Probably. Maybe not, worth a look.

Why would they do that? People don't seem to come up to me and say hello that often. Part of it is that I spend a lot of time in on the computer which I will try to do differently now. But to talk to people it feels like I have to work to join the conversation and I have a hard time staying on topic.

It's hard to describe how to be approachable.
If you are trying to slot yourself into the conversation, it will feel forced to most others. That tends to put people off. You're better off waiting for something more natural to come along, wait for the topic of conversation to shift to something you feel comfortable commenting on, and involve yourself from there. If the conversation doesn't go that route, you can instead ask questions and seek understanding, and while you might not get to say what you want to say, you get to listen to what someone else wanted you to listen to.
If you want to be approachable, you have to be an extremely good listener.
Seriously, next time you talk to people, change your focus. Don't think about what you are going to say next, think about what you are going to ask next. Try and keep other people talking. Watch what happens.

But as to why you never hunt, that I can explain.
1-Seeking one thing blinds you to other things.
2-If you are seeking, it isn't casual.
3-Everyone knows when you are seeking, even if they don't say so. It totally changes how you act with them, and how they act with you.

[Werewindlefr]

Also, just to point out, the whole "commitment should trump sexual/monogamy preferences!" cuts both ways.

It's partly true, except for a couple things:
-First, is she just wants a bit of sex on the side, I'm not sure the benefits aren't quite smaller than the pain or trouble it causes. In other words, the situation isn't necessarily symmetrical.
-Then, we started the marriage as monogamous. I do believe that further adjustments to the meaning of those vows after the wedding are possible, but they should be considered carefully.

For the rest, thank you for your support, everyone. It's a really unpleasant situation and experience and those messages of support really help. I'm not actually strong, but I know the limits of my strength, which is why I left. This wasn't a manageable situation and it was going to break me. It might have been easier if the thing was about a real open relationship that I was eased into progressively - I might have dealt with it with good counselling; I might then have considered that keeping what I had built so far and my desire for companionship were more important than strict monogamy. Although I'm not sure even then.

One of the reasons which made me consider staying in the relationship (before I found out about the conversation between my wife and my friend) is that I'm in my early 30s and things become slightly more complicated dating-wise at my age, it seems. Maybe it's just pessimism or fear talking, but companionship is an important aspect of my life and I am afraid of it becoming harder to find now.

Usually, ending a long term relationship sends me into a depression that decreases slowly with time and is almost gone after a month or so; for the whole month, though it's constantly there. This time, for some reason, it's quite different: I have large periods of relative stability with short-ish but intense strong mood crash. Has anyone experienced something similar? Is there a way to avoid these?

[ShadowFireLance]

So..I have a very simple question;
A 'friend' used my computer at one point to check her messages, and left it logged on. Being the type I am, I regrettably checked some of her messages, and based upon those, I now no longer want to be around her, or talk to her at any point.

Do I just do this abruptly, or slowly? Do I explain Why?

[Coidzor]

So..I have a very simple question;
A 'friend' used my computer at one point to check her messages, and left it logged on. Being the type I am, I regrettably checked some of her messages, and based upon those, I now no longer want to be around her, or talk to her at any point.

Do I just do this abruptly, or slowly? Do I explain Why?

First off, you really need to work on not being that kind of person.

Secondly, how much damage will happen if she reveals to the world & your mutual contacts that you're the kind of person who goes through people's phones/email inboxes/facebook PMs without even dating them?

Thirdly a lot depends upon your current relationship, why you now hate her, and whether she'd make active efforts to reach out to you if you just vanished.

[ShadowFireLance]

First off, you really need to work on not being that kind of person.

Secondly, how much damage will happen if she reveals to the world & your mutual contacts that you're the kind of person who goes through people's phones/email inboxes/facebook PMs without even dating them?

Thirdly a lot depends upon your current relationship, why you now hate her, and whether she'd make active efforts to reach out to you if you just vanished.

Firstly, Yeah... I do.
Secondly; Not at all. I'm very antisocial, and pretty much live in a cave. The only friends I do have literally care nothing about what she could say.
Thirdly, She'd most likely just get mad for a little bit and then leave me alone if I told her. If I just vanished she wouldn't really try to talk to me.

[Themrys]

Thirdly, She'd most likely just get mad for a little bit and then leave me alone if I told her. If I just vanished she wouldn't really try to talk to me.

In that case I don't think you're obliged to explain. If she wants to know, she can ask.

[Karoht]

So..I have a very simple question;
A 'friend' used my computer at one point to check her messages, and left it logged on. Being the type I am, I regrettably checked some of her messages, and based upon those, I now no longer want to be around her, or talk to her at any point.

Do I just do this abruptly, or slowly? Do I explain Why?

Question: Can you say with 100% confidence that you have all the necessary context to judge this person based on these comments? Do you have all the facts to the point where there is no room for misunderstanding? Are you 100% certain that this person is no longer a person you want to spend time with, when up until a short while ago, you were?

I have a friend who makes racist/sexist/misogynist jokes on a pretty regular basis. I'm very sensitive to these issues, and I don't enjoy associating with someone who is a racist/sexist/misogynist. So I talked it out with him. Yes, he's joking, no he is not serious, and as a result of scrutiny to these issues, he understands why they aren't funny has for the most part stopped. Bottom line, I didn't have to cut this person out of my life, even though his callous behavior towards something I take seriously really did offend me. Is what this person said something like this, or something that can't really be worked on quite so smoothly?

Secondly; Not at all. I'm very antisocial, and pretty much live in a cave. The only friends I do have literally care nothing about what she could say.
Thirdly, She'd most likely just get mad for a little bit and then leave me alone if I told her. If I just vanished she wouldn't really try to talk to me.

If you said nothing, she'd chalk it up to anti-social behavior by the sounds of things. Do you want this person walking around doing/saying this thing with no one to challenge her beliefs, or is it unlikely to affect anyone else?
Are you okay with saying "I could have stood up to this person for this issue but chose not to."

It's perfectly fine if you say you don't want to straighten this out, some issues really aren't worth the headache for little to no relevant change. Weigh your choices carefully, but cutting contact with the person sounds like a good enough option if need be.

[Themrys]

Question: Can you say with 100% confidence that you have all the necessary context to judge this person based on these comments? Do you have all the facts to the point where there is no room for misunderstanding? Are you 100% certain that this person is no longer a person you want to spend time with, when up until a short while ago, you were?

I have a friend who makes racist/sexist/misogynist jokes on a pretty regular basis. I'm very sensitive to these issues, and I don't enjoy associating with someone who is a racist/sexist/misogynist. So I talked it out with him. Yes, he's joking, no he is not serious, and as a result of scrutiny to these issues, he understands why they aren't funny has for the most part stopped. Bottom line, I didn't have to cut this person out of my life, even though his callous behavior towards something I take seriously really did offend me. Is what this person said something like this, or something that can't really be worked on quite so smoothly?

Funny that you think that's something that can be worked on smoothly.
I judge people who say misogynist things, and I judge them without mercy. Then again, I'm female. People who say sexist things in my presence know what will happen, and obviously don't care, so any talking would be pointless.

If you're a white man, you can call out other white men on their sexist and racist jokes, and maybe even succeed, but as the target of such jokes, one faces the problem that one's opinion on said jokes is likely to not be valued anyway.

[Aedilred]

Funny that you think that's something that can be worked on smoothly.
I judge people who say misogynist things, and I judge them without mercy. Then again, I'm female. People who say sexist things in my presence know what will happen, and obviously don't care, so any talking would be pointless.

If you're a white man, you can call out other white men on their sexist and racist jokes, and maybe even succeed, but as the target of such jokes, one faces the problem that one's opinion on said jokes is likely to not be valued anyway.

I dunno. In my experience, the vast majority of said jokes are made either through ignorance or thoughtlessness, and so it's always worth challenging just to raise awareness. Most people who tell such jokes aren't, imo, bad people, they've just made a mistake.

(That's before you even get into the whole minefield of statements which are superficially offensive but intended (genuinely) ironically, which is something it can be very difficult to judge if you don't know someone well. Of course, if you don't know someone well you probably wouldn't take the risk of making such jokes in front of them, but it can happen.)

And in fact I have met with and observed much more success on tackling sexist/racist jokes etc. when there is a member of such a group present or at least closely connected to somebody present. There can be a tendency for people to shrug it off with "it's not doing any harm" or "what's it to you anyway"? It can be a struggle to get people to care, especially if they think they're being ironic but aren't. I knew someone who would routinely make such jokes mocking any and every such group, and trying to explain to him why he shouldn't was a mighty pain in the neck - unless you were able to claim membership of such a group. One mention of my negligible, but definite, Jewish ancestry, and that was the end of any antisemitic remarks from him.

[Karoht]

Funny that you think that's something that can be worked on smoothly.
I judge people who say misogynist things, and I judge them without mercy. Then again, I'm female. People who say sexist things in my presence know what will happen, and obviously don't care, so any talking would be pointless.

If you're a white man, you can call out other white men on their sexist and racist jokes, and maybe even succeed, but as the target of such jokes, one faces the problem that one's opinion on said jokes is likely to not be valued anyway.

I agree that it isn't something that can normally be smoothed out, without a large amount of effort.
In my particular case (small sample size, not representative), the person had never had anyone state that what he was saying was unacceptable or why. Once he had the why, it was pretty easy from there. But in this case it is important to point out that the person was invested in the friendship and as such was willing to listen properly and think about what was being said and what it meant, etc. Once the internal reflection was sparked, the person was able to change because they wanted to change.

Though I should point out that I'm not a mind reader and I can't say with any degree of certainty what is running through this person's head, so any and all change could be an act. However, I'm willing to trust this person and take what I see at face value, because aside from this problem the person in question is actually a pretty decent human being.

But again, small sample size is small. Perhaps smoothly was the wrong word, but "not-rocky" didn't really fit. Without undue/absurd amounts of difficulty might be a more appropriate description.

[Steward]

I feel like it's tough to have this kind of conversation with someone that you don't seem to be that close to. I mean, why would they really take what you have to say to heart? I believe it can be worthwhile to confront friends, coworkers, family, etc. but if the person is so distant that they would have no reaction at all if you just 'vanished' then I'm not sure if you have enough of a connection with them for them to take you seriously.

I'm not saying don't try, I'm saying it might be less effective than if it would be if you were a close friend.

[Chen]

Funny that you think that's something that can be worked on smoothly.
I judge people who say misogynist things, and I judge them without mercy. Then again, I'm female. People who say sexist things in my presence know what will happen, and obviously don't care, so any talking would be pointless.

If you're a white man, you can call out other white men on their sexist and racist jokes, and maybe even succeed, but as the target of such jokes, one faces the problem that one's opinion on said jokes is likely to not be valued anyway.

This depends entirely on the person in question and your relationship with them. A close friend who doesn't realize the implications of what they're saying can be educated. If its a random stranger, than yeah they likely won't be open to listening, so one usually doesn't bother.

[Themrys]

This depends entirely on the person in question and your relationship with them. A close friend who doesn't realize the implications of what they're saying can be educated. If its a random stranger, than yeah they likely won't be open to listening, so one usually doesn't bother.

Well, okay, there are misogynist jokes about blonde women (the kind where you can insert any group of people and they still work), that's the sort of joke where you can have hope that the person telling them doesn't realize the misogyny. I actually had a female friend once who told that kind of jokes. She even was blonde. If I were to meet her again, I guess I'd call her out on it.

And then there are openly misogynist jokes, rape jokes and the like. Those who tell that kind of joke hate women, whether they admit it to themselves or not, which is why I would cut contact, as simply reducing the occurrence of the tasteless joke-telling would be of no real use.

My tolerance for racist jokes is similar; I'll 'tolerate' some stereotype jokes about other cultures (i.e. people who aren't considered a different race), but as soon as it gets into "Killing and enslaving people is funny"-territory, I'll walk away, since I'm not a professional psychotherapist and know my limits. (And even professionals cannot change a person who doesn't want to change.)

[Chen]

Well, okay, there are misogynist jokes about blonde women (the kind where you can insert any group of people and they still work), that's the sort of joke where you can have hope that the person telling them doesn't realize the misogyny. I actually had a female friend once who told that kind of jokes. She even was blonde. If I were to meet her again, I guess I'd call her out on it.

And then there are openly misogynist jokes, rape jokes and the like. Those who tell that kind of joke hate women, whether they admit it to themselves or not, which is why I would cut contact, as simply reducing the occurrence of the tasteless joke-telling would be of no real use.

My tolerance for racist jokes is similar; I'll 'tolerate' some stereotype jokes about other cultures (i.e. people who aren't considered a different race), but as soon as it gets into "Killing and enslaving people is funny"-territory, I'll walk away, since I'm not a professional psychotherapist and know my limits. (And even professionals cannot change a person who doesn't want to change.)

This comes down to knowing your audience for jokes. Not everyone feels the way you do regarding crude and/or offensive jokes. Similarly some people who tell said jokes also do not realize that some others may be deeply offended by them. Shocking people with words (humor or not) is certainly a method of both entertainment and communication. You're well within your prerogative to dismiss people off hand who do these types of things. That said, comment seemed to imply that "working it smoothly" was inherently impossible, which is just plain untrue.

[Grytorm]

I feel like it's tough to have this kind of conversation with someone that you don't seem to be that close to. I mean, why would they really take what you have to say to heart? I believe it can be worthwhile to confront friends, coworkers, family, etc. but if the person is so distant that they would have no reaction at all if you just 'vanished' then I'm not sure if you have enough of a connection with them for them to take you seriously.

I'm not saying don't try, I'm saying it might be less effective than if it would be if you were a close friend.

It really depends. All of my friends would probably not be distressed if I vanished. Because I interact with them so little already it wouldn't have a huge impact especially because I only interact with them on the buses. Several people seem to have described me as great friends who wouldn't end up missing me that much. The only people who would really miss me is my family.

[IthilanorStPete]

Well, okay, there are misogynist jokes about blonde women (the kind where you can insert any group of people and they still work), that's the sort of joke where you can have hope that the person telling them doesn't realize the misogyny. I actually had a female friend once who told that kind of jokes. She even was blonde. If I were to meet her again, I guess I'd call her out on it.

And then there are openly misogynist jokes, rape jokes and the like. Those who tell that kind of joke hate women, whether they admit it to themselves or not, which is why I would cut contact, as simply reducing the occurrence of the tasteless joke-telling would be of no real use.

My tolerance for racist jokes is similar; I'll 'tolerate' some stereotype jokes about other cultures (i.e. people who aren't considered a different race), but as soon as it gets into "Killing and enslaving people is funny"-territory, I'll walk away, since I'm not a professional psychotherapist and know my limits. (And even professionals cannot change a person who doesn't want to change.)

It can still be worth speaking up for the sake of other people around you, even if you don't think you'll change the mind of the person speaking it. It helps show that problematic/offensive speech isn't acceptable, which can help the general atmosphere of a social group or place. That said, you're not required to do so, and it's always within your rights to disengage.

[Karoht]

I speak up either way, to make my position perfectly known. And if I can win some hearts and minds at the same time, so much the better. If I get someone to cut back, even if it's only around me, I call it a win, because at least some analysis of the person's behavior has taken place.

[Themrys]

It can still be worth speaking up for the sake of other even if you don't think you'll change the mind of the person speaking it

That's why I call people out on their bull**** online. Where others can read it.
In real life, more often than not, men spout their sexist opinions when I'm alone with them, so that it's not safe for me to speak up. Or in company of other sexist men, where it is even more dangerous to say something about it.
(Never talked to a racist in real life. Racism kind of went out of fashion here in Germany, I guess. There are racists, but they are not in my social circles.)

[IthilanorStPete]

That's why I call people out on their bull**** online. Where others can read it.
In real life, more often than not, men spout their sexist opinions when I'm alone with them, so that it's not safe for me to speak up. Or in company of other sexist men, where it is even more dangerous to say something about it.
(Never talked to a racist in real life. Racism kind of went out of fashion here in Germany, I guess. There are racists, but they are not in my social circles.)

Safety definitely comes first; I'd say your behavior is perfectly fine.

[Lissou]

Well, okay, there are misogynist jokes about blonde women (the kind where you can insert any group of people and they still work), that's the sort of joke where you can have hope that the person telling them doesn't realize the misogyny. I actually had a female friend once who told that kind of jokes. She even was blonde. If I were to meet her again, I guess I'd call her out on it.

Today I Learned that blonde jokes are misogynistic... which is weird since a lot of them are about blonde men >.> I'll try to be more aware of the gender proportion, maybe they're women more often?
Although the target of choice where I grew up is Belgians. Sometimes they just say it's a blonde person instead but it's the same jokes I knew with Belgians. When I was even younger, these jokes were about "crazies". I wonder why we don't just say "person" and then laugh that they are stupid. Most of the time their being stupid isn't essential to the premise as it's part of the punchline. Or we could just say "a stupid person" this way we're not expected to know beforehand which group we're supposed to consider stupid today.

[Coidzor]

Today I Learned that blonde jokes are misogynistic... which is weird since a lot of them are about blonde men >.> I'll try to be more aware of the gender proportion, maybe they're women more often?
Although the target of choice where I grew up is Belgians. Sometimes they just say it's a blonde person instead but it's the same jokes I knew with Belgians. When I was even younger, these jokes were about "crazies". I wonder why we don't just say "person" and then laugh that they are stupid. Most of the time their being stupid isn't essential to the premise as it's part of the punchline. Or we could just say "a stupid person" this way we're not expected to know beforehand which group we're supposed to consider stupid today.

Generally it's about a Blonde, as in a blonde woman. Especially the sexual ones.

[Eldariel]

Today I Learned that blonde jokes are misogynistic... which is weird since a lot of them are about blonde men >.> I'll try to be more aware of the gender proportion, maybe they're women more often?

Actually in English, "blond/blonde" is one of the very few gendered adjectives (though it works the same as a noun too); "blonde" refers to a female referent, while "blond" is generic.

[Aedilred]

I have a feeling we're drifting away from the topic here towards yet another discussion on privilege and whatever, but at least as far as blonde jokes go - while on the one hand a blonde joke (in writing) is about women pretty much by definition (notwithstanding that the blond/blonde distinction appears to be increasingly poorly-understood even among people who write for a living, and that it's theoretically possible, if not ever likely to be the case, that a blonde joke could be about beer), I have to wonder whether a joke that makes fun of a specific subset of women for an attribute supposedly unique to that subset is actually misogynistic. If we hear a joke about a given group of people do we just widen the class to the widest possible group that they belong to capable of taking offence? Are jokes about, say, the Kardashians, therefore misogynist, because they're women?

I'm not a particular fan of blonde jokes myself, but most of those I've heard have confined derision to blondes, and not included all women in the reckoning: indeed, non-blonde women serve as the implied control group for assessing the foolishness of the alleged blondes.

[Themrys]

I have a feeling we're drifting away from the topic here towards yet another discussion on privilege and whatever, but at least as far as blonde jokes go - while on the one hand a blonde joke (in writing) is about women pretty much by definition (notwithstanding that the blond/blonde distinction appears to be increasingly poorly-understood even among people who write for a living, and that it's theoretically possible, if not ever likely to be the case, that a blonde joke could be about beer), I have to wonder whether a joke that makes fun of a specific subset of women for an attribute supposedly unique to that subset is actually misogynistic. If we hear a joke about a given group of people do we just widen the class to the widest possible group that they belong to capable of taking offence? Are jokes about, say, the Kardashians, therefore misogynist, because they're women?

I'm not a particular fan of blonde jokes myself, but most of those I've heard have confined derision to blondes, and not included all women in the reckoning: indeed, non-blonde women serve as the implied control group for assessing the foolishness of the alleged blondes.

Blonde jokes, in a nutshell, rely on the stereotype that "pretty women are stupid", and that's misogyny. I will not be fooled by the explanation that "We don't mean YOU". It is a well established tradition to spew hate on a subset of women and assure all other women that they're not meant. Until the time comes when they are. And the time will come, inevitably.

There is that quote that says "When they came for X, I didn't speak up, because I was not X", repeats this a number of times, and ends with "When they came for me, no one was left to help me."

I will not be fooled.

There is that kind of joke where you can replace "blonde woman" with "stupid person", and those you can tell with political enemies or whatever, people who are powerful, who are not oppressed, who are not hurt by stereotypes. If you can, you should do that.

If, however, the butt of the joke has to be a woman for the joke to work, it's almost certainly a misogynist joke that cannot be redeemed and should not be told.


Well ... back to topic, I guess.

[Kalmageddon]

Spoiler: Off topic tangent

Show

There is that kind of joke where you can replace "blonde woman" with "stupid person", and those you can tell with political enemies or whatever, people who are powerful, who are not oppressed, who are not hurt by stereotypes. If you can, you should do that.

Yes, being powerful and "not oppressed" makes you immune from getting hurt by stereotypes. It's a known fact. So remember kids, stereotypes are good if you use them against people who deserve them!
There is no amount of facepalm in the world that can properly express how much I disagree with your line of thinking.

The exact point of a joke, of comedy, of humor, it's that it's not serious. It's supposed to make you laugh because it's not "for real". You seem to understand humor only as something to be used as a tool, to attack categories of people you don't like, therefore jokes should be pointed at the enemy and never at allies.
Do you realize that by having this view of things you become part of why discrimination is a thing? You are not trying to remove discrimination, you just want it to be used against those you don't like (even if you don't like them for good reasons).

I'm sorry but I much prefer the idea that, when it comes down to jokes and comedy in general, either everyone is fair game (on a theoretical level, at least. You still need to account for context) or nobody is. And I like comedy, so I'd rather take the first option.

Sorry for the off topic, this had to be said.

[Aedilred]

Blonde jokes, in a nutshell, rely on the stereotype that "pretty women are stupid", and that's misogyny. I will not be fooled by the explanation that "We don't mean YOU". It is a well established tradition to spew hate on a subset of women and assure all other women that they're not meant. Until the time comes when they are. And the time will come, inevitably.

Eh. Notwithstanding that "blonde=/=pretty", not even necessarily in the context of the joke, and that's additional projection, I don't find this kind of slippery-slope argument particularly convincing, at least in this instance.

But even if we assume that the "first they came for the dolphins, and I said nothing because I was a porpoise" quote reasoning is valid in this instance (incidentally, one of the most overused epigrams on the internet, imo), surely that's an argument for doing precisely the opposite of what you say you do? i.e. speaking up, challenging these supposedly offensive jokes where you find them, rather than just quietly seething and crossing the perpetrator off your Christmas card list? They'll never know what they did to offend you, and may draw an erroneous conclusion ("hmm, perhaps I didn't tell enough ginger jokes")

And now, for a sharp handbrake turn back towards the actual topic, it all comes down to communication. The vast majority of people, I suspect, who make these sorts of comments (at face value, rather than ironically or for shock value, which is a rather different kettle of fish), do so through ignorance or thoughtlessness rather than actual malice, because they've never been told any different or made to think about it. You'll never get anywhere with getting people to reconsider their opinions or statements if you don't communicate with them; indeed, I think there are very few circumstances in which more communication is ever a bad thing. And that goes esepcially for relationships.

[Steward]

It really depends. All of my friends would probably not be distressed if I vanished. Because I interact with them so little already it wouldn't have a huge impact especially because I only interact with them on the buses. Several people seem to have described me as great friends who wouldn't end up missing me that much. The only people who would really miss me is my family.

That's what I meant to say. I mean, if someone I see only on the bus turned to be and started lecturing me, it would have less impact than if it was a close friend, parent, girlfriend/boyfriend, etc.

That's not to say that I wouldn't listen at all, but it would be harder for them to get through the usual brick wall of defensiveness ("i didn't mean it like THAT!" "have a sense of humor" "oh, i don't mean ALL Jews..." blah blah) that usually comes when someone points out racism, sexism, etc. It's tougher to write off something like that when it comes from someone you are very close to.

[Serpentine]

I have two blond/e jokes I mostly know. One of them is definitely misogynistic, but that's part of why it amuses me to tell it. The other actually requires at least one (and not necessarily only one) of the subjects to be male.
I have no strong feelings either way on the broader subject, though mostly I just find those sorts of jokes to be not very funny. Just wanted to point out that there are exceptions to the "blonde jokes are always about women" thing.

[rogueboy]

For those of you enjoying the current discussion, sorry for the distraction. For those of you who want something to get off that topic, here you go!

I'm questioning myself. Specifically, I've been exchanging messages on OKC for a bit with someone who'd been out of town for work, got back last week, and I haven't heard from her in almost a week. I went through it at one point, and while she was returning messages regularly (and quickly - far quicker than I was replying to hers), she never once asked a question. My current thinking is that since she hasn't replied to my last message (which I don't think I had an explicit question in, it's the first time I've sent a message without a question), her interest is likely mediocre at best and I therefore shouldn't bother sending another message in order to try to restart the conversation or ask about going for drinks or similar. I've been running crazy with work, school, and planning for a move for a while now, so my mental faculties may well be failing me. Opinions? (I can't even figure out how to phrase the question I'm asking... hopefully you all can figure it out from here).