Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

[Serpentine]

And no one - no one - wants that.

(but but - yeah, my purpose is usually, as much as anything, to try and challenge people to really think about why they consider their "niceness" to be their defining trait, and how they can think that "niceness" is the only quality women (usually, but not always women) look for, or should look for, in a significant other)

[JabberwockySupafly]

And no one - no one - wants that.

(but but - yeah, my purpose is usually, as much as anything, to try and challenge people to really think about why they consider their "niceness" to be their defining trait, and how they can think that "niceness" is the only quality women (usually, but not always women) look for, or should look for, in a significant other)

This is something more people need to do, Serpentine, so thank you for having the moxie to do so.

As someone who hangs out in places with a large male population of the nerdy variety, I've heard the 'But I'm a nice guy!' rant far too many times (let's be honest, the majority of I'm Nice folks tend to be from Mars). Being nice is... nice, but there's more to you than that, and people want more from you than that.

I won't lie, I used to be one of those Nice Guys. Until I realised that I'm a lot more complex than that, and showing my complexity is what makes people interested in me, whether it be for friendship or for romance. Instead of just being passive and hoping someone would 'discover' me, I started being active and showing off my desirable traits. I know my way around a kitchen, so I invite them over for dinner. I love music, so I invite them to a local gig or a concert. I enjoy hiking or wandering around my local area & Sydney, so I'll ask them out on a picnic, or take them to a neat restaurant they may never have heard of. Don't just sit there and expect them to come to you.



Anyways, my woe/advice request:

About 4 months ago I had a pretty intense relationship end badly, and abruptly (within 24 hours it went from 'you're the best!' to 'we need to break up.'). It messed me up pretty bad, to be honest. I went through a heavy depressive episode and my self esteem took a heck of a knock. I only recently got back to being my old self again, and started feeling ready to date. I actually went out on a date last weekend (yay!) and I must have done well because I have another date with the same woman this weekend. We got along great, we both seem to be interested in the same things, and there's definitely mutual physical attraction on both sides. My problem is, while I'm over my ex (therapy and time helped with that), and this woman definitely seems interested in me, I'm still finding myself second-guessing and expecting the worst from time to time.

I occasionally find myself thinking I'm gonna screw something up, or that she's only humouring me and this is a pity date. This is an old problem of mine that I *thought* I had conquered, but since the break up I've been finding it hard to muster up the courage and ask someone out (the person I'm seeing on the weekend actually made the first move). I can't seem to get it to stick in my head that people would actually find me attractive or would be willing to pursue me romantically. I know this is bollocks, and I've been working on fixing it (again), and most of the time I'm confident in the knowledge that I'm a decent looking, amicable fellow who members of the opposing gender would find desirable, but when it comes time to actually make the move (asking the girl out), I find myself freezing.

So, to the crux of this drawn out post: Does any one have any suggestions or advice to help with battling my fairweather confidence? I'm not trying to humblebrag here, I do honestly want some advice, as I'm sick of feeling like I'm king of the world one second and then suddenly, when it matters most, my confidence just *poof* vanishes.

[Karoht]

So, to the crux of this drawn out post: Does any one have any suggestions or advice to help with battling my fairweather confidence? I'm not trying to humblebrag here, I do honestly want some advice, as I'm sick of feeling like I'm king of the world one second and then suddenly, when it matters most, my confidence just *poof* vanishes.

In my opinion, you need a girl who you just look at and BANG, your confidence legs are kicked out from under you... but in a good way.

When I was cheated on by my ex, I said I was swearing off women for a year. I wasn't even going to try for a relationship or anything even resembling one for 366 days (it was a leap year). If this had been a thing back then I would have said hashtag no rebound relationship.
6 months later...
I bought a house and moved in with the woman who is now my fiancee.

Being casual about it is the best advice I can manage. Don't go into any conversation with a woman with any kind of expectation. Don't have the weight of wanting to ask them out on your shoulders, it will totally alter your mood and the conversation. Just talk to them. And when there's a good pause in the conversation and if things feel like they're going your way, then try for it.

If that doesn't work, psych yourself up in the bathroom. My non-serious recommendation for doing so is to stand in front of the mirror and bust out some terribad pick up lines that you know will never work and would never dream of using in a million years. Then say to yourself, "Well, I can't possibly do worse than that." And then wash your hands and exit the bathroom, and go back to your engaging conversation. And when your ready, go for it.

[Lioness]

I know my way around a kitchen, so I invite them over for dinner. I love music, so I invite them to a local gig or a concert. I enjoy hiking or wandering around my local area & Sydney, so I'll ask them out on a picnic, or take them to a neat restaurant they may never have heard of.

[snip]

So, to the crux of this drawn out post: Does any one have any suggestions or advice to help with battling my fairweather confidence? I'm not trying to humblebrag here, I do honestly want some advice, as I'm sick of feeling like I'm king of the world one second and then suddenly, when it matters most, my confidence just *poof* vanishes.

TBH I don't even know what you look like and that first part makes you sound interesting enough to date.

As long as you're well-groomed, clean, hygienic, and dressed in clothes that fit and suit you, you'll be fine. You won't appeal to every woman, but you'll appeal to most. Those things, plus some self-confidence in your appearance, will get you a long way.

Do you have any female friends you could ask for an honest assessment? That can be a confidence boost. Also if you're comfortable sharing photos on the internet, I've always found the You thread to be incredibly supportive.

[sktarq]

So, to the crux of this drawn out post: Does any one have any suggestions or advice to help with battling my fairweather confidence? I'm not trying to humblebrag here, I do honestly want some advice, as I'm sick of feeling like I'm king of the world one second and then suddenly, when it matters most, my confidence just *poof* vanishes.

Step 1 accept that you will be nervous at times. I have a tendency to blush until my beard turns turns brown and it sucks but it doesn't mean that I let dominate the interaction. The weakest response it to use it as a conversational draw in...avoid this if you can as if can be a be cheep and it will happen accidentally enough as it is. One thing that helps is to keep track of the tangents that have been dropped during conversation and when you freeze up grab that tangent and hope you something reasonably decent to say. Also try to keep something to do with your hands (like pouring drinks) available to cover those freeze-up moments - and if you do use the hand busy moment take your time and focus on your own muscle moment- focus completely on something else for just second. Also if your tongue is freezeing up try try focusing on body language...your and hers. Send a signal with a shoulder shift, run you hand through your hair/to your ear/etc and see if you draw a mirror response. If you do she is into the moment and you should have the confidence to take that next conversational step (which may be asking her out) that your brain didn't want to let you do. . . and good luck

[JabberwockySupafly]

In my opinion, you need a girl who you just look at and BANG, your confidence legs are kicked out from under you... but in a good way.

When I was cheated on by my ex, I said I was swearing off women for a year. I wasn't even going to try for a relationship or anything even resembling one for 366 days (it was a leap year). If this had been a thing back then I would have said hashtag no rebound relationship.
6 months later...
I bought a house and moved in with the woman who is now my fiancee.

Being casual about it is the best advice I can manage. Don't go into any conversation with a woman with any kind of expectation. Don't have the weight of wanting to ask them out on your shoulders, it will totally alter your mood and the conversation. Just talk to them. And when there's a good pause in the conversation and if things feel like they're going your way, then try for it.

If that doesn't work, psych yourself up in the bathroom. My non-serious recommendation for doing so is to stand in front of the mirror and bust out some terribad pick up lines that you know will never work and would never dream of using in a million years. Then say to yourself, "Well, I can't possibly do worse than that." And then wash your hands and exit the bathroom, and go back to your engaging conversation. And when your ready, go for it.

Thanks, Karoht. I think you're on to some good ideas. I keep putting too much pressure on myself in these situations, I guess. The pick up line idea might sound silly, but it could be effective.

TBH I don't even know what you look like and that first part makes you sound interesting enough to date.

As long as you're well-groomed, clean, hygienic, and dressed in clothes that fit and suit you, you'll be fine. You won't appeal to every woman, but you'll appeal to most. Those things, plus some self-confidence in your appearance, will get you a long way.

Do you have any female friends you could ask for an honest assessment? That can be a confidence boost. Also if you're comfortable sharing photos on the internet, I've always found the You thread to be incredibly supportive

I'm a long-haired (albeit well-groomed long-hair), mostly-in-shape music & book nerd/'semi-reformed' gamer. I keep myself clean & generally well groomed (some days my hair just. won't. play. nice.), work out almost daily, and I make sure I wear clothes that suit my body type and size. I have asked female friends previously for a 'review', but most of them feel uncomfortable with assessing me. Whether it's because they don't want to hurt my feelings, or it's just because they honestly don't know what to say/don't want to view me in that light (most of my female friends are the SOs of my closest friends), I couldn't tell you. As for putting photos of myself online, I don't really have many photos of myself because up until about a year ago I was in pretty bad shape physically, and I avoided cameras. I still tend to avoid them now just out of habit. The first photo I've taken of myself in quite some time was only this Saturday past (Here's a Link in case anyone wants to know what lurks beyond the keyboard).

[JabberwockySupafly]

Step 1 accept that you will be nervous at times. I have a tendency to blush until my beard turns turns brown and it sucks but it doesn't mean that I let dominate the interaction. The weakest response it to use it as a conversational draw in...avoid this if you can as if can be a be cheep and it will happen accidentally enough as it is. One thing that helps is to keep track of the tangents that have been dropped during conversation and when you freeze up grab that tangent and hope you something reasonably decent to say. Also try to keep something to do with your hands (like pouring drinks) available to cover those freeze-up moments - and if you do use the hand busy moment take your time and focus on your own muscle moment- focus completely on something else for just second. Also if your tongue is freezeing up try try focusing on body language...your and hers. Send a signal with a shoulder shift, run you hand through your hair/to your ear/etc and see if you draw a mirror response. If you do she is into the moment and you should have the confidence to take that next conversational step (which may be asking her out) that your brain didn't want to let you do. . . and good luck

Sound advice. The freezing is the big thing for me. I can carry on a conversation about a multitude of topics, but when I hit that critical moment my mouth just stops working. Body language is where I fail beautifully, so those are some things I'll keep an eye out for. Thanks!

[Jallorn]

Here's one: I don't really have money I want to spend, what are some date ideas that don't cost money that seem reasonable to people? Background info: I live in Chicago, close to a Metra line, but that's rather expensive, and a 20 minute or so bus ride from the Red Line, which is in my price range, but an annoying time cost, though admittedly I have plenty of that these days. No license, though I've been meaning to get one soon.

[Lissou]

My favourite date idea is gaming night, at game stores that have them. They usually have a bunch of games to chose from so you don't have to own one, and it's completely free. It also allows you to have fun but also talk to each other and get to know each other.

It is, however, not very intimate. I guess the same thing could be replicated at home through playing games (videogames, card games, board games), but then you need to own them (and in the case of videogame, the hardware to run them as well).

Picnics are usually nice and you can eat a homemade meal that way, which saves some money.

[Karoht]

Here's one: I don't really have money I want to spend, what are some date ideas that don't cost money that seem reasonable to people? Background info: I live in Chicago, close to a Metra line, but that's rather expensive, and a 20 minute or so bus ride from the Red Line, which is in my price range, but an annoying time cost, though admittedly I have plenty of that these days. No license, though I've been meaning to get one soon.

I used to have a list of 100 'free' date ideas. Hang on, let me see what I can dig up.
http://thoughtcatalog.com/christine-...arent-netflix/

[rogueboy]

Update because I have a situation (I'll get to it at some point here, I promise; my mental status is a bit off right now because I just got off work [pharmacy] and had the mother of a rape victim come in at the end of the day...). Also, because I haven't been posting in a while, which is largely due to moving (also relevant to the events below) and not having internet at my new place yet.

So a lab partner of mine decided a while back to "adopt" me, and that grew into trying to find someone for me to date. Fast forward a bit and she introduced me to someone (I'll call her A). We met for coffee, which turned into 4.5 hours of coffee, chatting in a park, and dinner. Invited A to join for a housewarming/board games thing at my place the next day, which wound up being 4 people (went well, she enjoyed herself and didn't find the crazy friend who came to be overly annoying, which is a success when dealing with that particular friend). Then went hiking with her last Tuesday, when she mentioned that she "isn't very good at the dating thing" (I'm not either, and neither of us have had a relationship before, apparently). We've been texting pretty much every day at least some, which I take as a fantastic sign, and are semi-planning (she's going to figure out a plan and see if I'm free) for a road trip to a city a couple hours away (not sure if the thought is day trip or an overnight).

The question/situation is this: with neither of us having a damn clue what we're doing (if we count the things we've done as 2 dates plus a thing, we've doubled the number of dates I've been on; I have so little idea what I'm doing here it isn't funny), I'm wondering if there's a consensus on how I/we should be approaching this? A has explicitly asked something to the effect of discounting the potential for a "dating or nothing" situation (not the case, as far as I'm concerned).

Overall, I'm definitely excited for the possibilities, and definitely like her, I just have no clue what I'm doing and that terrifies me (something I'll likely have to tell her at some point, I know). I don't like not knowing what I'm doing...

[Knaight]

Overall, I'm definitely excited for the possibilities, and definitely like her, I just have no clue what I'm doing and that terrifies me (something I'll likely have to tell her at some point, I know). I don't like not knowing what I'm doing...

Everyone starts not knowing what you're doing. Things sound like they are going fine. The one bit of advice I can give is to not just assume that nobody would be interested in you, and thus clear signs of interest aren't actually there.

[rogueboy]

Everyone starts not knowing what you're doing. Things sound like they are going fine. The one bit of advice I can give is to not just assume that nobody would be interested in you, and thus clear signs of interest aren't actually there.

Agreed, and appreciated. I'm definitely past the "no one could be interested" stage (even if nothing's worked out for me yet). I just have a tendency to question myself far more than I know I should. And from the current dynamic, I suspect that just flat out asking things is going to go over well, especially if it's related to admitting that I have no clue what I'm doing (which she's stated/hinted at being the case for her as well).

Yay needing to fight my own insecurities and instincts! I hope I win...

[Lissou]

Not having any experience could turn out to be a good thing. Far too many people rely on their experience more than their current partners. The fact is that people are unique and what works for one person may not work for the next. By not having past experience to rely on, you may be more likely to turn to what everyone should do, really: communicate. Talk about how you feel, ask questions, avoid assuming. This will get you further than just following a script that worked in the past with someone who is presumably a completely different person.

[Arutema]

So I have a question that's perhaps more about the grieving process than relationships.

After a 30+ year life of bad dates and often silent rejection, mixed in with one long-distance relationship that turned out to be a horrible lie...

How do I accept that I'm simply not capable of a relationship due in part to my unattractiveness, but mostly my myriad personality flaws? How do I accept that certain emotional desired are just going to remain unfulfilled?

Preferably in a semi-constructive manner that doesn't involve injury to anyone.

[Amaril]

After a 30+ year life of bad dates and often silent rejection, mixed in with one long-distance relationship that turned out to be a horrible lie...

How do I accept that I'm simply not capable of a relationship due in part to my unattractiveness, but mostly my myriad personality flaws? How do I accept that certain emotional desired are just going to remain unfulfilled?

You don't. I know it's hard not to lose hope, I know it's painful feeling that way, but no matter how much it might seem otherwise, you still have a chance, and always will. If you feel that your flaws are holding you back, then do your best to move past them and not let them control your life, but remember that you'll never be perfect, and no-one expects you to be. The only thing that can completely destroy any chance you have of finding someone is giving up.

[Karoht]

So I have a question that's perhaps more about the grieving process than relationships.

Why? No one's dead yet.

How do I accept that I'm simply not capable of a relationship due in part to my unattractiveness, but mostly my myriad personality flaws? How do I accept that certain emotional desired are just going to remain unfulfilled?

Everyone has flaws. Most people I've met in my lifetime are accepting of the flaws of others. Otherwise no one would have friends, no one would have romantic relationships, no one would get married.

Are you assuming that your 'myriad personality flaws' are to blame?
Are you assuming that these flaws are unworkable?
Your perspective on this is important.

[rogueboy]

Not having any experience could turn out to be a good thing. Far too many people rely on their experience more than their current partners. The fact is that people are unique and what works for one person may not work for the next. By not having past experience to rely on, you may be more likely to turn to what everyone should do, really: communicate. Talk about how you feel, ask questions, avoid assuming. This will get you further than just following a script that worked in the past with someone who is presumably a completely different person.

Thanks for that. It's one of those things that I know, but still need to be reminded of from time to time. Go go communication skills!

[Jon_Dahl]

I'd like to thank you everyone for supporting when I decided to break up with my ex-gf a few months ago.

Playgrounders said for almost for one year that I should get out from the relationship, and I knew you were right all along, but it just took me time to gather the courage to end what needed to be ended. After the break-up, I was mostly sad that most of my dreams were shattered. However, sometimes things turn out really well...

I tried dating local women, as I had promised myself, but then my Brazilian friend introduced me to a Brazilian woman and now we are deeply in love. There is no abuse, no games, no threats, no blaming... All the things I had wanted before with my ex I have now received. The most fascinating detail is that I'm allowed to speak Portuguese, and my new girlfriend is not bothered with my intermediate me-Tarzan-you-Jane level. My ex-gf never gave me a chance to speak it with her... Even my girlfriend's family is better than my ex's.

After all my dreams weren't shattered as I had thought during those sleepless nights. They are stronger than ever.

Thank you for your support. People say that karma is a *itch but sometimes she can be nice too...

[Liffguard]

I know I called online dating an "exercise in frustration" earlier but I may cave and give it another go. One problem being that there aren't really many photos of me. I don't take many myself and don't hang around with many people who do. I've scrounged a few up that show me in a few different lights but it's pretty sparse. In particular, I don't really have any photos of me just casually socialsing, goofing off etc. Any thoughts on if what's there'll be workable or should I try and get different ones?

Potential main picture.
Windsurfing action shot.
Another action shot, British Military Fitness compeition final.

[Jon_Dahl]

Liffguard,

I like your photos! You're definitely a handsome guy, so I think your problems do not lie in superficial things. But do tell me, is that your natural smile? It seems a bit forced to me. However, if that's how you really smile, then keep it.

Look at this:
http://www.livescience.com/6116-4-my...-revealed.html

Your best option is to look away from the camera and look handsome and mysterious. In the picture in which you're running you look twice sexier than in that one where you're trying to conjure up some sort of facial expression. I suggest you ask someone to take a picture of you while you read this forum. I'm certain it will be a success.

[sktarq]

I'd like to thank you everyone for supporting when I decided to break up with my ex-gf a few months ago.

Glad to hear it, and best of luck to you.

[Grytorm]

A friend of mine has asked to spend time with me. I don't understand. Any advice?

[Coidzor]

A friend of mine has asked to spend time with me. I don't understand. Any advice?

What did they say? What did you say? What don't you understand?

[Amaril]

A friend of mine has asked to spend time with me. I don't understand. Any advice?

A little more context might help, if you're comfortable providing it...

[Aedilred]

A slightly unusual "relationship" advice request from me - my housemates are moving out over the next couple of months and I need to replace them. I'm not great at writing adverts for this sort of thing, so any advice would be appreciated. Here's the advert I used last time (two years ago), updated with current information (I have some photos, but they're a pain to upload; I'll do it on the actual ad...)

Spoiler

Show

I have two double rooms to let as my housemates are moving away. The property is a lovely Victorian two-storey, three-bedroom, terraced house with an extension at the back for a bigger kitchen and an ensuite bathroom for one bedroom. I have lived here for four years and been very happy!

The house is sunny and fairly spacious with wooden floors throughout; the living room is large and has a working fireplace. An extension on the back provides a dining room and full-size kitchen including dishwasher. At the back is a garden including fruit trees, rosebushes and occasionally a neighbourhood cat or two. There is one main bathroom and a downstairs WC.

The rooms are medium-sized doubles, one with an ensuite. The ensuite is available from mid-August and the other from the last week in September.

The rental period runs until August 2015 and is renewed on a 12-monthly basis thereafter. The ideal tenant would stay for the full term but shorter-term tenants aren't ruled out.

The house is on a fairly quiet road very close to Queens Road Peckham and Nunhead stations with access to trains, London Overground and central Peckham a short walk away. The road is free parking and there is usually a space outside.

The owner is a live-out private landlady who lives nearby.

Extra Costs
Bills not included. Average bills usually come to around £100-120/month per person, including all utilities, internet and council tax.

Amenities
Furnishings: Furnished
Parking: Yes
Garage: No
Garden/terrace: Yes
Balcony/Patio: No
Disabled access: No
Living room: Shared
Broadband available: Yes

Current Household
# housemates: 1/2
Total # rooms: 3
Ages: 30+
Smoker?: No
Any pets?: No
Language: English
Occupation: Professional
Gender: 1/2 Male

New Housemate preferences
Couples OK?: No
Smoking OK?: No
Pets OK?: No
Occupation: Don't mind
DSS: No
References?: Yes
Min age: 21
Max age: 35
Gender Males or females

[Grytorm]

Okay. The friend asked to go to a fair through a third party (my sister). I didn't here her ask me myself and am a little scared. I confirmed with my sister that it was an independent request not something she brought up because of my depression. Her family as a whole is friends with my family but I interact with her a bit less because she moved out from her family several years ago. The fair is something I already have tickets to but she probably has access because both of us had parents involved with the event.

Mostly I don't understand because I am somewhat isolated and don't really remember anyone asking to spend time with me in the past. So I have never really just hung out with anyone very much. I don't know why she would ask me to go anywhere. I am not interpreting this as romantic at the moment. Just friendship I guess.

[Aedilred]

Mostly I don't understand because I am somewhat isolated and don't really remember anyone asking to spend time with me in the past. So I have never really just hung out with anyone very much. I don't know why she would ask me to go anywhere. I am not interpreting this as romantic at the moment. Just friendship I guess.

In general, going somewhere to do something with someone is a good way of spending time with people while minimising pressure on both parties. Just sitting in a room and talking can be a bit awkward and you can run out of conversation quite quickly; going and doing something is a fairly safe bet since there'll always be something to do or to talk about, and it's also neutral ground in case one party wants to get out. This applies equally to platonic relationships as romantic ones.

I don't think there's much here to understand. If you're right and it's not a romantic thing, it's probably a way of your friend wanting to see you and proposing a mutually satisfactory venue to spend some time together, especially if she doesn't normally see you that often. From the context it doesn't seem like it's romantically-intended. My advice would be just to say yes and go, unless you had conflicting plans - which given you already have tickets for the event, I'm guessing you don't, unless you'd already committed to go with someone else. Or unless you really don't like her or something, but given you call her a friend I assume that's not a problem.

[Crow]

Mostly I don't understand because I am somewhat isolated and don't really remember anyone asking to spend time with me in the past. So I have never really just hung out with anyone very much. I don't know why she would ask me to go anywhere. I am not interpreting this as romantic at the moment. Just friendship I guess.

Look at it as an opportunity to get out and have some fun with somebody you don't hang out with that often. If it is anything more than that, it will become apparent, but it sounds like it isn't.

In fact, look at everything as a chance to get out and have some fun, and watch all your troubles disappear. :D

[Grytorm]

I'll try to stay calm. I am still scared of interacting with people. But it will be fun.