Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

[dehro]

Similes :)

see?

[Haluesen]

Well hey, anyone, everyone. *wave* I haven't posted on this thread before but I kinda feel like it might help now. I don't exactly do well with talking about things that worry me though, hence why this is rambling already. So I'm just gonna get into it.


Fairly recently, at most 2 months ago, my girlfriend and I broke up. It's a strange situation for a lot of reasons. One reason is that it was a long-distance relationship for quite a while, also it was not my first break up but we were together for a couple years so that sucks, as compared to a single shorter relationship in the past. But all this is mostly background, since the breakup isn't really my woe here. We understood things had changed, breaking up was best, and I didn't brood on it really. We both agreed that we wanted to try to stay friends anyway, like we were before we got together, even with our limitations in talking time.

But it really doesn't feel like we are friends. We'd been talking for 4 years, before the relationship and then during it, we know quite a bit about each other and in all that time we called or texted or chatted online at least a bit every week, usually every day. Now I have had 1 text conversation with her in these 2 months, and that was extremely short-lived. I text because there's no pressure behind it, you can take time to respond to one, even a day or a week during rough times. But she just doesn't respond to me. I get that she has friends near where she lives that she spends time with, and the distance makes that impossible for us, but she doesn't even talk. It almost seems like she's avoiding me, despite the amiable splitting up. I can handle not being a couple, but we now have less of a connection than when we first became friends. The whole things has just regressed to...barely even being friends. And I don't want it to be that way. To be like befriending her and learning about what kinda person she is and her life, and sharing the same details to her, could all just be forgotten, like it never was. I don't really know what to do here. So far I have sent her a text about every week just to say hello, or see how life is, sometimes a bit longer than a week, but as I have said she doesn't respond to them. It all just really sucks, and hurts more than the breaking up did. I don't want to get back together. I just want us to still be good friends, not acquaintances or less.

So anything anyone? I don't look for advice often. I feel like I need it here though.

[dehro]

A few things may be happening here:
1) she is afraid that your simple approaches hide an unexpressed intention on your part of trying to patch things up and get back together and she doesn't want that (maybe some well meaning but misguided friend is telling her that's what you're trying to do and cautioning her accordingly ). So she keeps her distance.
2) her acceptance of the "let's remain friends" line was delivered out of courtesy but never meant seriously, be it out of lack of interest or emotional attachment making the breakup harder for her if she stays in touch. She has moved on and has no interest in remaining friends but didn't tell you so in order not to sour the whole breaking up unnecessarily.
3) she has a new phone number.
4) she is currently dating an insecure moron who doesn't want her to stay in touch with her exes... Or maybe she thinks he doesn't want her to and acts accordingly without even asking him.

Either way, your story together is a thing, it has happened and it would/will impact any chance at future friendship, one way or another.Thinking you can just go back to being friends after a fairly recent breakup following a long story together was a bit naive on your part. It just doesn't happen that way, not without a whole lot more water under the bridge to grow distance, perspective and reboot both your emotional status towards "she's my ex but we've both moved on considerably, so being friends isn't weird anymore".

My advice would be to let her go as a friend too. Either you or her must have moved someplace else so long distance interaction as friends would be very sparse anyway. The best chance to go back to being friends is a casual reunion in person. Family events or friends get togethers, or just either of you moving back to the same city and bumping into one another. Those circumstances would be much more "natural" for getting back in touch than any other semi-engineered circumstance, especially if that one is onesided and doesn't seem to be reciprocated.

[ArlEammon]

Trigger warning, if someone feels like it, can they please come see me in PM

[Haluesen]

Spoiler

Show

A few things may be happening here:
1) she is afraid that your simple approaches hide an unexpressed intention on your part of trying to patch things up and get back together and she doesn't want that (maybe some well meaning but misguided friend is telling her that's what you're trying to do and cautioning her accordingly ). So she keeps her distance.
2) her acceptance of the "let's remain friends" line was delivered out of courtesy but never meant seriously, be it out of lack of interest or emotional attachment making the breakup harder for her if she stays in touch. She has moved on and has no interest in remaining friends but didn't tell you so in order not to sour the whole breaking up unnecessarily.
3) she has a new phone number.
4) she is currently dating an insecure moron who doesn't want her to stay in touch with her exes... Or maybe she thinks he doesn't want her to and acts accordingly without even asking him.

Either way, your story together is a thing, it has happened and it would/will impact any chance at future friendship, one way or another.Thinking you can just go back to being friends after a fairly recent breakup following a long story together was a bit naive on your part. It just doesn't happen that way, not without a whole lot more water under the bridge to grow distance, perspective and reboot both your emotional status towards "she's my ex but we've both moved on considerably, so being friends isn't weird anymore".

My advice would be to let her go as a friend too. Either you or her must have moved someplace else so long distance interaction as friends would be very sparse anyway. The best chance to go back to being friends is a casual reunion in person. Family events or friends get togethers, or just either of you moving back to the same city and bumping into one another. Those circumstances would be much more "natural" for getting back in touch than any other semi-engineered circumstance, especially if that one is onesided and doesn't seem to be reciprocated.

I know it isn't 3, I texted her to say Happy Birthday yesterday and she responded to that just fine. Almost robotically, like she didn't want to, but I may just be reading into it too much. It was actually that that made me decide to post here, or at least the line of thinking that stemmed from that. I feel like it is either 1 or 2. It is possible that she really just doesn't have the time for talking lately, all things considered. But we had been talking less even before the break up. I don't feel like it's that innocent. Maybe that's why I'm here, too much conspiracy theorizing.

I feel though...like you are right about the distance at least. Maybe not for the same reasons...I just feel like this is inevitable. I plan to not try to get in touch with her anymore now. I got to wish her Happy Birthday, that's good enough for me. And if she tries to get in touch with me...I just really hope that she doesn't honestly. I've lost enough friends from losing contact. As much as I don't want the last couple years of talking to be pointless, I'd rather that than this dragging out anymore.

So...I do thank you for responding. It at least helped me think a little more about all this. I hope you are doing well this day, and for many more. Again, thank you.

[Serpentine]

I've got two friends, a guy and a girl, who are a couple. They've been together for about 2 years, she's 20, he's 27, she's going overseas indefinitely from the start of next year, he's intending to follow her. I think that's most of the potentially relevant background.
This morning I got a message from her asking to come over to get my advice. Shortly afterwards I got a message from him mentioning "potential relationship drama". When she came over, I got the distinct impression she wasn't so much after advice so much as a sounding board. It sounded like she'd made the decision to end the relationship, and her conflict was over doubts and how to do it. I gave her what advice I could, but like I said it seemed like she was more after someone to talk it out with, so I mostly just listened. She was going to meet him (at a cafe, which I thought unwise) and talk it out.
A few minutes ago, I got a message from each of them. He said they had a "back and forth conversation" that concluded with a decision to "step back", "slow down", "escape" - basically going into the "we can work this out" limbo. From her side, she felt he wasn't listening to her, that he dismissed her concerns, doubts were further embedded, and she ended up backing down and getting on board with the limbo.

Although any thoughts on their situation are welcome, my main reason for posting here is about the ethics of my situation. So far, he hasn't actually asked me anything - for advice or information - so I haven't told him anything, just been listening. As for her, it seems to me she's already made her decision, so I've just been trying to give practical advice on that score while trying to not say anything that might be pushing her to end it, and leaving the possibility of not ending it open and giving some advice if it does go that way.
Is there anything wrong with this approach, and am I obliged to do anything more? Am I meant to tell him, argue either of them around? I think he'd be hurt to know how much Kat's talking to me, and no matter how careful I am might still think I convinced her to break up with him, but he also probably won't ever know anyway.
I'm thinking sticking to what I've been doing is the best option, but I'm uncertain enough (and think this is an interesting enough question anyway) to float it on the thread.

[Chen]

You probably shouldn't get involved at all. If you're closer to one than another (i.e., only became friends with one because they were dating the other) then perhaps help that person out more actively. But really don't get involved in other people's relationship drama unless explicitly asked, and even then it's not generally a good idea.

[dehro]

agreed, it's one of those 10 ft pole situations.

[Form]

How they handle their relationship isn't your responsibility, Serpentine. You've done your part as a friend by offering a listening ear and some advice and they shouldn't expect anything more from you. Also, regardless of what you do one of them may end up blaming you to some degree anyway. I don't think there's anything you can do about that either if it goes that way.

[CoffeeIncluded]

I'm kind of in a funk right now over my complete lack of a romantic life, ever. Honestly I've been feeling this way for a while but some days it's pretty bad and today's one of them. I'm 21 and I've never even kissed anyone. I've only had one person ask me out in my entire life, and the next day it turned out that he was blind drunk that night and forgot the whole thing. Beyond that, nothing. Nobody's ever been interested in me. It's gotten to the point where my parents are commenting on it. I've been trying to shrug it off and say that it doesn't matter since I have work to do, but lately I've been noticing that it's a little harder every time.

I'm not particularly pretty but I don't think I'm unattractive. I'm short but relatively slim, my hair is neat even if I don't know how to make the hairstyle work, and even though my face is odd-looking I don't think it's hideous. I'm sure it's something socially, but what do I do? I'm really shy until I get to know people and I'm pretty bad in social situations. It's a lot better than it was, but I'll never be a social butterfly.

Some days I wonder if I should just give up and accept that I'll be a lonely person my whole life and end up a lonely old woman or something. I don't want that, but I don't know what to do. Part of me is wondering if throwing myself at any guy who gives me the time of day isn't so terrible an idea, but I think that part of me is stupid. And I know that that way lies madness. What do I do? I just don't want to be alone my whole life.

[sktarq]

Part of me is wondering if throwing myself at any guy who gives me the time of day isn't so terrible an idea, but I think that part of me is stupid. What do I do? I just don't want to be alone my whole life.

I'd love to say "Don't, that way lies madness." But Really can't as I don't know just how poisonous your situation can be. I'm going to go out on a limb here and guess your shyness is your big issue with those types of people with whom you'd be open to having a romance with. Which opens the question of friends. Have you asked them why you're not getting attention? Perhaps you are not recognizing the difference between possible romantic attention and social attention. It is harder to notice when directed at you than being a third party. Also if you are shy enough by the time you are ready for romance with someone your target may have already thought you uninterested-if you are open to it the occasional mention of some hint may help. Also have you tried being the initiator? If the guy isn't asking you out pull a Sadie and ask him.

I wish you all the best and your situation seems one where typing across a continent feels less helpful than normal.

[Lissou]

My advice is to invest in yourself. Find something you really like, some passion of yours. Do things that make you interesting, but also things you enjoy and you feel make you better and happier. Then find other people who also enjoy those things and do them with those people.

At worst, you'll find things you really enjoy doing, and be lonely but have things to live for regardless. At medium, you'll make good friends who will make you less lonely. And of course, you might meet a romantic partner that way. Or you might meet a romantic partner in a completely different way, but someone who will be attracted to the person you have become thanks to working on self-improvement + doing things you enjoy that you feel have a meaning.

Being a social butterfly isn't a requirement. I am a shy person, but I know people on forums, and I know people from work, and before that I knew people from school. I was never a very popular girl at school and didn't date anyone until I was in my twenties, but now I have a much richer life, and I wish I had invested in myself more because I feel I could have gone further.

So I would say, find things you like, and be productive about them. If it's an activity, it's productive because it keeps you in shape. If it's something else like watching a show or playing a game, on its own it might not be much, but if you start writing stories about it, or designing outfits, weapons, buildings, or learning how to make a game of your own... basically if you can find a way to create something, I feel you can always look back and say "I made this".

And develop skills. It doesn't necessarily matter which skills. Maybe you'll learn languages. Or maybe you'll study law, or medicine. Or learn how to roof a house. I don't know. But anything you learn is something you can use later on. So work on that.

There is no way you can make people like you or ask you out. You can ask people out, and you can make yourself someone people would want to date. That's pretty much it. In the end, you might never date anyone, so live your life so that you don't need someone to build your life around and can stand on your own two feet. And then if you meet someone, you can decide together how to weave your lives together.

[CoffeeIncluded]

I'd love to say "Don't, that way lies madness." But Really can't as I don't know just how poisonous your situation can be. I'm going to go out on a limb here and guess your shyness is your big issue with those types of people with whom you'd be open to having a romance with. Which opens the question of friends. Have you asked them why you're not getting attention? Perhaps you are not recognizing the difference between possible romantic attention and social attention. It is harder to notice when directed at you than being a third party. Also if you are shy enough by the time you are ready for romance with someone your target may have already thought you uninterested-if you are open to it the occasional mention of some hint may help. Also have you tried being the initiator? If the guy isn't asking you out pull a Sadie and ask him.

Every single time, I've been the one asking--and every single time the answer is no. Another issue compounding this is that I don't ever want to make things weird, because I honestly like the guys I ask. So far it hasn't, which I guess I should be grateful for. But my not noticing might be part of it--I'm pretty socially blind. Or I'm just seeing things that aren't there.

Another big issue is that for me attraction isn't instant--I have to get to know and like the person first. I wish I wasn't like this and I'm trying not to be, but I don't know what to do. Or even if I can.

I wish you all the best and your situation seems one where typing across a continent feels less helpful than normal.

Thanks.

My advice is to invest in yourself. Find something you really like, some passion of yours. Do things that make you interesting, but also things you enjoy and you feel make you better and happier. Then find other people who also enjoy those things and do them with those people.

At worst, you'll find things you really enjoy doing, and be lonely but have things to live for regardless. At medium, you'll make good friends who will make you less lonely. And of course, you might meet a romantic partner that way. Or you might meet a romantic partner in a completely different way, but someone who will be attracted to the person you have become thanks to working on self-improvement + doing things you enjoy that you feel have a meaning.

Being a social butterfly isn't a requirement. I am a shy person, but I know people on forums, and I know people from work, and before that I knew people from school. I was never a very popular girl at school and didn't date anyone until I was in my twenties, but now I have a much richer life, and I wish I had invested in myself more because I feel I could have gone further.

So I would say, find things you like, and be productive about them. If it's an activity, it's productive because it keeps you in shape. If it's something else like watching a show or playing a game, on its own it might not be much, but if you start writing stories about it, or designing outfits, weapons, buildings, or learning how to make a game of your own... basically if you can find a way to create something, I feel you can always look back and say "I made this".

And develop skills. It doesn't necessarily matter which skills. Maybe you'll learn languages. Or maybe you'll study law, or medicine. Or learn how to roof a house. I don't know. But anything you learn is something you can use later on. So work on that.

There is no way you can make people like you or ask you out. You can ask people out, and you can make yourself someone people would want to date. That's pretty much it. In the end, you might never date anyone, so live your life so that you don't need someone to build your life around and can stand on your own two feet. And then if you meet someone, you can decide together how to weave your lives together.

Thanks. I am invested in things I like, and I do have several close friends. I have a bunch of hobbies and I'm applying to veterinary school right now. I know I need to invest in myself further--do you have any other suggestions, as long as they don't get in the way of my schoolwork?

[rs2excelsior]

I'm kind of in a funk right now over my complete lack of a romantic life, ever. Honestly I've been feeling this way for a while but some days it's pretty bad and today's one of them. I'm 21 and I've never even kissed anyone. I've only had one person ask me out in my entire life, and the next day it turned out that he was blind drunk that night and forgot the whole thing. Beyond that, nothing. Nobody's ever been interested in me. It's gotten to the point where my parents are commenting on it. I've been trying to shrug it off and say that it doesn't matter since I have work to do, but lately I've been noticing that it's a little harder every time.

I'm not particularly pretty but I don't think I'm unattractive. I'm short but relatively slim, my hair is neat even if I don't know how to make the hairstyle work, and even though my face is odd-looking I don't think it's hideous. I'm sure it's something socially, but what do I do? I'm really shy until I get to know people and I'm pretty bad in social situations. It's a lot better than it was, but I'll never be a social butterfly.

Some days I wonder if I should just give up and accept that I'll be a lonely person my whole life and end up a lonely old woman or something. I don't want that, but I don't know what to do. Part of me is wondering if throwing myself at any guy who gives me the time of day isn't so terrible an idea, but I think that part of me is stupid. And I know that that way lies madness. What do I do? I just don't want to be alone my whole life.

This is almost exactly where I am right now. I have had one girlfriend, but she asked me and that ended more than four years ago (and wasn't exactly a good relationship). So I know how you feel.

I don't have any helpful advice, because I don't really know what to do myself. But maybe knowing someone else is working through the same thing will help some.

[Philemonite]

Every single time, I've been the one asking--and every single time the answer is no. Another issue compounding this is that I don't ever want to make things weird, because I honestly like the guys I ask. So far it hasn't, which I guess I should be grateful for. But my not noticing might be part of it--I'm pretty socially blind. Or I'm just seeing things that aren't there.

I don't really know you, so take this with a grain sack of salt.

I think your biggest problem is lack of confidence. That's one of the most important qualities when approaching someone, or when you want to be approached by someone. You don't have a bad opinion of yourself, which is good, but your opinion doesn't seam to be too good either. Good way to block all the negatives is to focus on the positive. Why are you and awesome persona (and I suspect you are) and why should people want to date you? That's what you should be thinking about.
Plus everything that people have already said.

[Themrys]

I'm kind of in a funk right now over my complete lack of a romantic life, ever. Honestly I've been feeling this way for a while but some days it's pretty bad and today's one of them. I'm 21 and I've never even kissed anyone. I've only had one person ask me out in my entire life, and the next day it turned out that he was blind drunk that night and forgot the whole thing. Beyond that, nothing. Nobody's ever been interested in me. It's gotten to the point where my parents are commenting on it. I've been trying to shrug it off and say that it doesn't matter since I have work to do, but lately I've been noticing that it's a little harder every time.

I'm not particularly pretty but I don't think I'm unattractive. I'm short but relatively slim, my hair is neat even if I don't know how to make the hairstyle work, and even though my face is odd-looking I don't think it's hideous. I'm sure it's something socially, but what do I do? I'm really shy until I get to know people and I'm pretty bad in social situations. It's a lot better than it was, but I'll never be a social butterfly.

Some days I wonder if I should just give up and accept that I'll be a lonely person my whole life and end up a lonely old woman or something. I don't want that, but I don't know what to do. Part of me is wondering if throwing myself at any guy who gives me the time of day isn't so terrible an idea, but I think that part of me is stupid. And I know that that way lies madness. What do I do? I just don't want to be alone my whole life.

You have never had a relationship? But you're such an awesome, interesting person. With an interesting webcomic!

In my opinion, at 21, you're too young to throw yourself at any guy. I mean, you're not even a spinster according to Jane-Austen-novel standards.

If attraction for you doesn't happen before you know someone, then I guess you need to get to know as many people as possible. Do you have any hobbies you could use for that?

[Coidzor]

I'm kind of in a funk right now over my complete lack of a romantic life, ever. Honestly I've been feeling this way for a while but some days it's pretty bad and today's one of them. I'm 21 and I've never even kissed anyone. I've only had one person ask me out in my entire life, and the next day it turned out that he was blind drunk that night and forgot the whole thing. Beyond that, nothing. Nobody's ever been interested in me. It's gotten to the point where my parents are commenting on it. I've been trying to shrug it off and say that it doesn't matter since I have work to do, but lately I've been noticing that it's a little harder every time.

I'm not particularly pretty but I don't think I'm unattractive. I'm short but relatively slim, my hair is neat even if I don't know how to make the hairstyle work, and even though my face is odd-looking I don't think it's hideous. I'm sure it's something socially, but what do I do? I'm really shy until I get to know people and I'm pretty bad in social situations. It's a lot better than it was, but I'll never be a social butterfly.

Some days I wonder if I should just give up and accept that I'll be a lonely person my whole life and end up a lonely old woman or something. I don't want that, but I don't know what to do. Part of me is wondering if throwing myself at any guy who gives me the time of day isn't so terrible an idea, but I think that part of me is stupid. And I know that that way lies madness. What do I do? I just don't want to be alone my whole life.

Alright, barrage of questions time.

• Are you available to others in terms of body language or are you closed off, hunched over (possibly over a book, say, or using it as a shield), or defensive?
• Do you get out and about and meet new people, either on your own or through your friends/friend group or are you hermiting?
• Are you wearing clothing that fits and is at least somewhat presentable/flattering or are you wearing the most baggy, over-sized clothing that dwarfs you in an impenetrable fog of fabric that obscures whether you are male or female? (serously, I had a friend who did not even register to me as female despite knowing that she was very decidedly a woman simply because she always wore really baggy clothing because she was one of those girls who was fat in highschool and then lost it towards the end, over the summer, and during her frosh year. It wasn't until she got a wardrobe change as a senior in college that I even realized she had a butt because I had never seen it before. And right about that time a number of other guys realized that she was, in fact, a woman, and started asking her out where before she'd never been kissed.)
• Have you expressed your interest in people who have interested you or have you always waited for them to make a move that never came?

And, the big one.

• Do you actually care that you don't have any current romantic/sexual prospects or is it all about social/familial expectations?

I seem to recall that you shared some photos once over in the You thread, unless I am very badly mistaken, and you were a fairly attractive young woman for a teenaged girl somewhere between the range of 17 and 19, so hopefully that hasn't changed for the worse in the intervening timeframe. Doesn't appear to have, so there's that. Social issues you can work on with dedicated time and practice, so there's that, at least.

I suppose one thing you can do in meatspace is that if you have any particularly socially adept friends or friends with socially adept acquaintances, they may be able to, upon being asked, evaluate your behavior and mannerisms to a certain extent in case there's any glaring problem areas to work on, but learning about body language, especially vis-a-vis romantic signals and danger signals, and what to watch out for to keep yourself safe, is a great place to start because most of us could do with boning up on body language anyway. Communication strategies, so that instead of answering a question that was intended to start a conversation with a curt "yes" or "no" that defuses the attempt to draw you out in conversation and leaves people with the impression that you are/may be stonewalling them out of a lack of interest, you can instead give more of what you want to put of yourself forward and segue into topics that let you show yourself off to the other person while also drawing them out into showing you some of themselves. And sometimes telling, too, since this is conversation instead of narration. Finding that balance between talking about yourself and drawing the other person into talking about themselves is also generally good, though it's, IIRC, different for men and women to some extent, though I believe it's in one of those nebulous 40-60% ranges, altered by a variety of contexts and other factors.

[Knaight]

I'm kind of in a funk right now over my complete lack of a romantic life, ever. Honestly I've been feeling this way for a while but some days it's pretty bad and today's one of them. I'm 21 and I've never even kissed anyone. I've only had one person ask me out in my entire life, and the next day it turned out that he was blind drunk that night and forgot the whole thing. Beyond that, nothing. Nobody's ever been interested in me. It's gotten to the point where my parents are commenting on it. I've been trying to shrug it off and say that it doesn't matter since I have work to do, but lately I've been noticing that it's a little harder every time.

Honestly, I don't think this is all that unusual. There are plenty of people in their twenties who've yet to kiss anyone; and were it not for all the crap flung at people for it this would probably even be quite visible. There's a dumb luck component (it's the only reason I'm in a relationship; it is hard to overstate just how bad I used to be at realizing when people were attracted to me - I just assumed nobody was - and even now I'm still pretty terrible at it.), there's a matter of people being busy, etc.

Also, waiting for other people to ask one out doesn't work. Subsequent comments seem to indicate you aren't doing that, which is good. It's not a viable strategy, and while it worked for me I can't recommend "never acknowledge even the most blatant gestures as meaningful while putting absolutely no effort into relationships" as a strategy for finding relationships. Of any sort, romantic or otherwise.

[Inevitability]

Okay... This is my first time posting here, so firstly I want to say hello to everyone here. I am around 14-15 years of age, live in the Netherlands (so I'm sorry if my English isn't great), and love these forums and the atmosphere on them.

And now for something totally different the actual reason I posted here:

The point is; there's someone I really like in my class. She's very nice, but also a bit shy and I have no idea what she thinks of me. The whole time, I'm thinking stuff like: 'you should just ask her if she likes you' and 'you mean just out of the blue? there's no way that'll get me anywhere'.

I have talked about this with a couple of my friends, but most of them don't have experience here either.

So, as I imagine that about 95% of the people here have ever been in this situation, what would you do here?

[Knaight]

I'm assuming you know them fairly well, and aren't just asking out a total stranger. So, next time you're hanging out with them ask them if they want to go to some place to do some thing eventually. What place and what thing are obviously highly variable and interest dependent. Food's usually a safe bet. If the person in question is interested in nerd stuff (given the forum it seems likely) it's worth seeing if there's some sort of board game thing in town or similar.

[Inevitability]

I'm assuming you know them fairly well, and aren't just asking out a total stranger. So, next time you're hanging out with them ask them if they want to go to some place to do some thing eventually. What place and what thing are obviously highly variable and interest dependent. Food's usually a safe bet. If the person in question is interested in nerd stuff (given the forum it seems likely) it's worth seeing if there's some sort of board game thing in town or similar.

She definitely isn't a total stranger, so don't worry about that.

[Coidzor]

Okay... This is my first time posting here, so firstly I want to say hello to everyone here. I am around 14-15 years of age, live in the Netherlands (so I'm sorry if my English isn't great), and love these forums and the atmosphere on them.

And now for something totally different the actual reason I posted here:

The point is; there's someone I really like in my class. She's very nice, but also a bit shy and I have no idea what she thinks of me. The whole time, I'm thinking stuff like: 'you should just ask her if she likes you' and 'you mean just out of the blue? there's no way that'll get me anywhere'.

I have talked about this with a couple of my friends, but most of them don't have experience here either.

So, as I imagine that about 95% of the people here have ever been in this situation, what would you do here?

Well, yeah, you don't ask "Hey, you, what's-your-face, do you like me?" You instead ask "Hey, you, what's-your-face, you, me, and tapas/coffee/X activity at Y time at Z place on whatever date?"

Seeing as how asking someone out pretty handily conveys that you're interested in them after all, and is generally more socially acceptable than just telling someone you like them and dropping it there instead of following through.

Do you actually talk to this girl normally or have like, maybe a dozen words passed between the two of you up till now?

[Inevitability]

Do you actually talk to this girl normally or have like, maybe a dozen words passed between the two of you up till now?

I don't know what your definition of 'normally' is, but it is not the second case for sure.

[Coidzor]

I don't know what your definition of 'normally' is, but it is not the second case for sure.

Well, what's your definition of normally? Do you talk to her just about every time you see her? Do you interact most of the time where you're in proximity? Does she sit on the opposite side of class and you've mostly only ever talked to her because you got thrust together as part of a group project one time?

[Inevitability]

Well, what's your definition of normally? Do you talk to her just about every time you see her? Do you interact most of the time where you're in proximity? Does she sit on the opposite side of class and you've mostly only ever talked to her because you got thrust together as part of a group project one time?

Somewhere between the second and first one.

[Chen]

I think the question people are getting at is do you see/speak to this person outside of school? Or are all your interactions only during school? If so do you only talk to her in passing (going to/from class, in class, waiting for the bus) or is there actively getting together (during say recess, lunch, after-school activities etc).

The former may indicate the person has no idea at all that you are interested and it may come off as a surprise. If it's the latter, then the person may not be as surprised by getting asked out. Not that either case should stop you, just so you know what expectations are and how to approach the situation.

[Inevitability]

I think the question people are getting at is do you see/speak to this person outside of school? Or are all your interactions only during school? If so do you only talk to her in passing (going to/from class, in class, waiting for the bus) or is there actively getting together (during say recess, lunch, after-school activities etc).

The former may indicate the person has no idea at all that you are interested and it may come off as a surprise. If it's the latter, then the person may not be as surprised by getting asked out. Not that either case should stop you, just so you know what expectations are and how to approach the situation.

There's both in-class and out-of-class contact.

[Coidzor]

There's both in-class and out-of-class contact.

Yeah, you probably can start increasing contact and asking her along on group outings if she has at least cordial relations with the others involved in them and the like then, from the sounds of it.

[Haluesen]

Continuation of above: I still have decided not to be in touch with her anymore. But I couldn't just leave it like that, it felt unfinished and was driving me crazy. So I wrote her a message explaining that I don't plan to communicate with her anymore because of the emotional distance that has grown between us. I wasn't brave enough though so I sent it after I was certain she would be asleep. She'll see it in the morning, or not, and I don't exactly care how it goes anymore. This is so crappy.

I'm also here to ask, how do people deal with losing friends? I've had quite a few that I have lost over the years just due to losing contact bit by bit, but I don't really deal with it. It's just a regret that I can't forget about. How do others cope with losing friends?

[Crow]

Some days I wonder if I should just give up and accept that I'll be a lonely person my whole life and end up a lonely old woman or something.

This is actually one of the best things you can do. It is times like these that you end up finding somebody worthwhile. Pursue your own interests and do the things you find fulfilling. Through doing those things, you will surround yourself with people that have similar interests, and one day it will just *happen*.

And if I'm ever in New York, I'd be happy to give you a solid kiss so you can get that first bad awkward one out of the way. That goes for anyone in the playground. Crow ain't afraid of anything. :D