Relationship Woes and Advice 24: In which the heroine gets the hero, or vice versa.

[The Rose Dragon]

So I'm a coward, and I'm looking into alternate sources of courage (other than liquid). Possible examples include carrying a written note (either to read from or to hand over), listening to Manowar beforehand or getting someone else to do it for me.

Terrible ideas, I know, but I don't know what to do at this point. Every time I'm about to do it, she asks a pointed question that just drains all my nerve, and I'm back to square one.

[Coidzor]

So I'm a coward, and I'm looking into alternate sources of courage (other than liquid). Possible examples include carrying a written note (either to read from or to hand over), listening to Manowar beforehand or getting someone else to do it for me.

Terrible ideas, I know, but I don't know what to do at this point. Every time I'm about to do it, she asks a pointed question that just drains all my nerve, and I'm back to square one.

If you need a reminder, I'd recommend designating an object you would not normally carry with you and which will be conspicuous as a sort of talisman until you do the thing you intend to do.

The old Scouting standby of carrying a coin or medallion in one's pocket and then surreptitiously switching which pocket it is in upon doing a good deed for the day is the most subtle form that I can recall at the moment, but I'm sure that other methods can be thought of.

[Castaras]

Having some sort of charm / item to give confidence I find to be ridiculously useful, and I can vouch for its effectiveness with me (cute butterfly necklace given to me by a certain awesome snakey australian lady), although for me it was extra confidence to fight against anxiety.

Sajiri: I can't offer anything more than what has already been said.

I would have said marriage counselling, but I think you need to see someone by yourself to help you get out of there. Abusive relationships are very hard to get out, and having some sort of support to talk to and get advice from will be a huge help.

[Serpentine]

Having some sort of charm / item to give confidence I find to be ridiculously useful, and I can vouch for its effectiveness with me (cute butterfly necklace given to me by a certain awesome snakey australian lady), although for me it was extra confidence to fight against anxiety.

Awwww! I'm glad it's more than just a pretty thing for you! ^_^

Sajiri: Yeeeaaah. I admit I was pretty leery at Coids' leap straightfor the abusive r'ship list, but after that extra information I'm definitely leaning that way. Expecting more respect for privacy than he's willing to offer is a particularly bignone for me. I second the motion for pushing hard for counseling for the both of you, and for yourself as well. And please be safe - we don't know that it will, but if it does escalate please get out of there. Where in Australia are you? You might have a potential real-world support network right here.

[Feytalist]

So I'm a coward, and I'm looking into alternate sources of courage (other than liquid). Possible examples include carrying a written note (either to read from or to hand over), listening to Manowar beforehand or getting someone else to do it for me.

Terrible ideas, I know, but I don't know what to do at this point. Every time I'm about to do it, she asks a pointed question that just drains all my nerve, and I'm back to square one.

So this works for me; it might work for you too:

I guess it's similar to the idea of a wingman. Have a solid friend with you, someone who knows what you're up to, someone who fully supports you. You know, someone who will give you a pat on the shoulder and say "go for it buddy, you're gonna be awesome". And then wait for you around the corner or whatever while you do your thing. It sounds trite, but I find just having "backup" (for lack of a better word) does wonders for your confidence. Also it puts a bit of necessary pressure on you (having someone sort of watching over your shoulder helps a lot).

Hope this helps.

[Silverrida]

So is this where I post to express feelings that I am going to be alone forever?

[rogueboy]

So is this where I post to express feelings that I am going to be alone forever?

Only if you're prepared to elaborate on the why! Then we generally say things back at you to try to get you to break out of that mindset. Hopefully that's what you're hoping for (well, and commiseration, we do that too).

[Coidzor]

So is this where I post to express feelings that I am going to be alone forever?

That would be a woe, aye.

What's up?

[Aedilred]

So this is a slightly/really awkward situation I've found myself in. A few years ago (three years almost to the day) the love of my life to date left me and, while I (now) don't want her back, I'm still not really "over" that. I'm actually relatively happy with being single right now. So that's that.

In the meantime, however, I've acquired a housemate who obviously has a thing for me. While I had suspected for a while, this was later confirmed at a party a few months ago and then confirmed again by another friend better at judging these things in the last couple of weeks (precise words: "you do realise she's in love with you, right?"). The thing is that, notwithstanding the above, while she's fine as a friend/housemate I really have no interest in her as a potential partner, and I worry she's mistaken friendship/politeness for chemistry. There are lots of other reasons why a relationship between us would be a really bad idea, but "I don't like her in that way" is good enough for me.

Until now I had been trusting to the "ignore it and hope it goes away" principle, on the basis that if I took no action to further our relationship then it wouldn't be an issue, especially since she had previously suggested she was far too passively-minded ever to ask anyone out.

However, after a night out tonight with a friend of mine she managed to pluck up the courage actually to ask me out. I demurred on the basis I had had too much to drink (enough to be plausible, not so much as to affect fundamentally my judgment) but it seems I'm going to have to do something sooner or later. I like having her as a housemate but really don't see a future for us as anything more than that... but I don't want to hurt her feelings, etc.. Any advice welcome!

[Jallorn]

Well, I can say from personal experience that the anticipation of waiting sucks, so I wouldn't recommend waiting too long. Also, there is no way I know of for no one to get hurt, so the only thing to do is to be direct and simply minimize the pain. Like ripping a band aid off. Bad analogy?

[noparlpf]

So this is a slightly/really awkward situation I've found myself in. A few years ago (three years almost to the day) the love of my life to date left me and I'm still not really over that. While I don't want her back, I' still not terribly happy with what happened and can't in good conscience say I'm "over" that. On the other hand, I don't really want her back, and I'm relatively happy with being single right now. So that's that.

In the meantime, however, I've acquired a housemate who obviously has a thing for me. While I had suspected for a while, this was later confirmed at a party and then confirmed again by another friend better at judging these things (precise words: "you do realise she's in love with you, right?"). The thing is that, notwithstanding the above, while she's fine as a friend/housemate I really have no interest in her as a potential partner, and I worry she's mistaken friendship/politeness for chemistry. There are lots of other reasons why a relationship between us would be a really bad idea, but "I don't like her in that way" is good enough for me.

Until now I had been trusting to the "ignore it and hope it goes away" principle, on the basis that if I took no action to further our relationship then it wouldn't be an issue, especially since she had previously suggested she was far too passively-minded ever to ask anyone out.

However, after a night out tonight with a friend of mine she managed to pluck up the courage actually to ask me out. I demurred on the basis I had had too much to drink (enough to be plausible, not so much as to affect fundamentally my judgment) but it seems I'm going to have to do something sooner or later. I like having her as a housemate but really don't see a future for us as anything more than that... but I don't want to hurt her feelings, etc.. Any advice welcome!

Try saying all of that to her. "I like you as a friend, but that's it. I don't see a relationship between us working out." She might be a bit sad for now, but it's much better than dragging it out.

[Coidzor]

Until now I had been trusting to the "ignore it and hope it goes away" principle, on the basis that if I took no action to further our relationship then it wouldn't be an issue, especially since she had previously suggested she was far too passively-minded ever to ask anyone out.

It's really a shame that I can't think of any language which would not violate one standard of decency or another to really communicate the necessary emphasis for just how bad of an idea and poor of a strategy such a course of action is.

Suffice to say that it is as close to being the exact wrong response to the belief that someone is misinterpreting your normal behavior as flirtation or interest that I can think of at the moment.

However, after a night out tonight with a friend of mine she managed to pluck up the courage actually to ask me out. I demurred on the basis I had had too much to drink (enough to be plausible, not so much as to affect fundamentally my judgment) but it seems I'm going to have to do something sooner or later. I like having her as a housemate but really don't see a future for us as anything more than that... but I don't want to hurt her feelings, etc.. Any advice welcome!

Don't demur. Demurring is generally bad and only something one does in response to threats one cannot deal with. Also, it works at cross purposes to your stated desire to not hurt her feelings.

Really, it's just a matter of how much you're going to tell her of why you're not interested when you tell her that you're not interested and word choice and body language.

Sajiri: Yeeeaaah. I admit I was pretty leery at Coids' leap straightfor the abusive r'ship list, but after that extra information I'm definitely leaning that way. Expecting more respect for privacy than he's willing to offer is a particularly bignone for me. I second the motion for pushing hard for counseling for the both of you, and for yourself as well. And please be safe - we don't know that it will, but if it does escalate please get out of there. Where in Australia are you? You might have a potential real-world support network right here.

Well, it was the first link I could find that even dealt with emotional stuff at all, and I couldn't find one on neglect.

I still don't really know what to say though.

[Castaras]

Aedilred: Don't delay this sort of thing. Delaying and making excuses to not give an answer just makes it worse. Being direct and getting it over with is better.

[Serpentine]

Try to be honest and conclusive, but kind and tactful.

[Glass Mouse]

Don't demur. Demurring is generally bad and only something one does in response to threats one cannot deal with. Also, it works at cross purposes to your stated desire to not hurt her feelings.

This, this, this. I can understand ignoring the whole thing if you're not sure and don't want to make assumptions, but if your goal was to minimize the hurt, you really should have adressed the issue when you got the confirmation.

Putting off an answer really does more harm than good. Wish-washing leaves the other person with a feeling of being stringed along and disrespected. A clear answer still hurts, but at least it shows some basic respect for the other person's emotions and lets them get closure.

Literally the next time you see her, give her a clear and nice answer.

[Aedilred]

Literally the next time you see her, give her a clear and nice answer.

Yeah, this is my intention. I had had rather a lot to drink last night and wasn't thinking entirely clearly, so it wasn't really a conversation I wanted to get into in that state.

[Silverrida]

Only if you're prepared to elaborate on the why! Then we generally say things back at you to try to get you to break out of that mindset. Hopefully that's what you're hoping for (well, and commiseration, we do that too).

That would be a woe, aye.

What's up?

Thank you for your concern.

I just...ugh. A relationship is practically all I want at this point. I'm so desperate for one. But it is impossible for me to get one.

I've never been in a relationship before. I've only ever been rejected. On two occasions, my desperation was distinctly interpreted and used so that I could be a sort of emotional crutch for the women in those cases, but that is all.

I'm 20, which is young still, but as more time goes on people want to be with someone with experience.

Like, would you get with someone who has the same amount of dating experience as an early high schooler? Those relationships tend to fall apart immediately. I don't expect that to happen to me, but it is a stigma that comes with inexperience, and it only gets harder as I get older.

And again, even though I'm young it seems that everyone I know IRL has at least been in a relationship. There's one person in the same situation as me that I know IRL and he acts practically asexual and isn't looking for anyone. I'm pretty sure if he were he'd succeed. Meanwhile, I've only ever failed.

This adds up, on top of other forms of rejection in my life (including my parents) and leads me to feel unlovable and forever alone. I don't feel like anyone would ever want to date me. I feel abhorrent, but I can't identify what about me is, other than physical appearance and the desperation itself.

[Philemonite]

Thank you for your concern.

I just...ugh. A relationship is practically all I want at this point. I'm so desperate for one. But it is impossible for me to get one.

I've never been in a relationship before. I've only ever been rejected. On two occasions, my desperation was distinctly interpreted and used so that I could be a sort of emotional crutch for the women in those cases, but that is all.

I'm 20, which is young still, but as more time goes on people want to be with someone with experience.

Like, would you get with someone who has the same amount of dating experience as an early high schooler? Those relationships tend to fall apart immediately. I don't expect that to happen to me, but it is a stigma that comes with inexperience, and it only gets harder as I get older.

And again, even though I'm young it seems that everyone I know IRL has at least been in a relationship. There's one person in the same situation as me that I know IRL and he acts practically asexual and isn't looking for anyone. I'm pretty sure if he were he'd succeed. Meanwhile, I've only ever failed.

This adds up, on top of other forms of rejection in my life (including my parents) and leads me to feel unlovable and forever alone. I don't feel like anyone would ever want to date me. I feel abhorrent, but I can't identify what about me is, other than physical appearance and the desperation itself.

First thing, in this thread, you are loved.
Second, there are probably plenty of girls that would date you, you just need to find them.
Third, ask yourself do you want to be in a relationship just because everyone else is, do you want it for yourself.

Best advice I can give you is be positive. You need to start to believe you will find a girlfriend. No, this will not magically conjure a girlfriend, but confidence does wonders when making an impression. The sooner you stop believing you are going to be alone forever, the greater chances to find that special girl.

[Silverrida]

First thing, in this thread, you are loved.
Second, there are probably plenty of girls that would date you, you just need to find them.
Third, ask yourself do you want to be in a relationship just because everyone else is, do you want it for yourself.

Best advice I can give you is be positive. You need to start to believe you will find a girlfriend. No, this will not magically conjure a girlfriend, but confidence does wonders when making an impression. The sooner you stop believing you are going to be alone forever, the greater chances to find that special girl.

That's good to hear :) Thank you.

I don't believe that.

And I definitely desire to be in a relationship. The reason I talk about other people so much is because that is part of the data set I use to deduce that I'm abnormal and unlovable.

I don't want a relationship because other people. I want a relationship, can't get one, and other people make me feel like I should be able to but I can't because I'm awful.

And yeah, I am aware of the confidence thing, but I find just having blind faith to be incredibly difficult.

Thank you for replying.

[Philemonite]

That's good to hear :) Thank you.

I don't believe that.

And I definitely desire to be in a relationship. The reason I talk about other people so much is because that is part of the data set I use to deduce that I'm abnormal and unlovable.

I don't want a relationship because other people. I want a relationship, can't get one, and other people make me feel like I should be able to but I can't because I'm awful.

And yeah, I am aware of the confidence thing, but I find just having blind faith to be incredibly difficult.

Thank you for replying.

Blind faith=Stupidity, I agree, but the confidence thing is real, and it helped me a lot.

You are not abnormal, you are different, but we are all different (we are all snowflakes and stuff).
You are not unlovable, you just haven't found the right person.

I have an idea that might help. Sit down, take a piece of paper (you can not do this on a computer) and write down all of your qualities and your flaws. Be honest, since this list is just for you. Then, take a good look at it and see witch one would be appealing to an ordinary girl. I think that should help.

[Aedilred]

I'm 20, which is young still, but as more time goes on people want to be with someone with experience.

Like, would you get with someone who has the same amount of dating experience as an early high schooler? Those relationships tend to fall apart immediately. I don't expect that to happen to me, but it is a stigma that comes with inexperience, and it only gets harder as I get older.

Seriously, I wouldn't worry about this. While the initial dating business can be a bit awkward if you don't know what you're doing, anyone who actually likes you for you won't give a flying fig about your inexperience, especially if you're honest, and people (your partner, your/their friends) are usually happy to help if you do genuinely get "stuck". At least, that's been my experience.

For reference, I was 21 when I began my first relationship (my girlfriend was a year younger than me with several previous bfs) and everything was fine for years.

The other advice I'd give is that people who are desperate for a relationship can often be quite obvious, and don't always appear an attractive prospect as a result - they can come across as needy or a bit sad, even if that's not actually the case. Rather than devote all your energies into trying to acquire "a relationship", I'd try to focus on your current situation and try to enjoy life as a single person, because that'll make you more attractive to potential partners.

Further, remember that relationships are about individuals, not a vague state of affairs. Everyone and every relationship is different. Rather than looking for a relationship with whoever will have you, go looking for someone you want - sometimes such people turn out to have been right in front of you the whole time.

...

I spoke to my housemate and she seemed to take it alright without any real further question or comment (which was what I was most concerned about), although she's now hiding in her room so I hope she's ok. At least it's dealt with now, and hopefully it won't affect the rest of our relationship as friends/housemates.

[Glass Mouse]

I was one of the early relationship-getters among my friends (got mine at 15), but my friend group is filled with people who started late. I know two girls who were 20-21 when they got their first boyfriends, another who still doesn't have one at 24, one guy who got his first at 23 (which lasted two months), my youngest brother just got his first at 20, my other brother (22) still hasn't got one. And that's in the "inner circle". Seriously, the romantically well-traveled are the minority among my friends.

It really all depends on the social circles in which you move. 20 doesn't seem late or strange to me at all. In other circles, it would be late, and in some it would even be early. So don't trust your data sample too much.

Also: I know society is pretty insistent that an "S.O. experience" trumphs a "single experience", but while you don't have a relationship, you have an entirely different skillset and experience set. Believe me when I say it's valuable - I'm newly single for the first time since I was 15, and I have NO idea how to handle things due to my lack of experience in that area. I know it's kind of a "grass is greener" thing; I'm just trying to say that there is a lot of value to your situation even though it might not feel like it

[Jormengand]

All right, so...

Spoiler

Show

There's this guy. Who I like. Yeah. Now, I know you're looking at my gender and going "Ah, there may be a problem here." But no, that's not quite it. It's the fact that he doesn't really want me. In his own words (about me), "I like him, but I don't like like him." So I know how he feels about me. Or at least, assuming he hasn't changed over the last year or so.

But...

Whenever I look at him, My heart twinges slightly. I just feel so attached to him, even though I don't really know him too well. I have really strong feelings for him. Whenever I try to talk to him I just can't speak about my feelings. We make jokes about being gay and whatever, but ever that feels so awkward...

I know I may sound pathetic, but I keep thinking of him, I dream of him, I fantasize about him... and I can't talk to anyone else about it, because they won't talk about gay relationships. Yay.

Feeling really pathetic after all that. Ugh. Help?

[Glass Mouse]

I can't talk to anyone else about it, because they won't talk about gay relationships. Yay.

I know it doesn't fix the problem if you get the answer you expect, but it might be an idea to ask him out? If nothing else, it'll give you closure and quell the "what if"s that comes from not knowing (and sometimes people feel differently with time and circumstances changed).

Also, the quoted part stod out to me. If you have crappy, homophobic friends, it might be time to start branching out a little and go looking for new friends who care enough about you to talk about the things that matter to you.

[Jormengand]

I know it doesn't fix the problem if you get the answer you expect, but it might be an idea to ask him out? If nothing else, it'll give you closure and quell the "what if"s that comes from not knowing (and sometimes people feel differently with time and circumstances changed).

Also, the quoted part stod out to me. If you have crappy, homophobic friends, it might be time to start branching out a little and go looking for new friends who care enough about you to talk about the things that matter to you.

I would just feel even more terrible about myself if I couldn't kid myself that he still likes me. And I'm absolutely terrible at asking people out. How would I even go about it?

The thing is, they're not homophobic. They're accepting of me, and really nice about it. But they just clam up and make "Uh, well... um, I guess" noises if I start talking about my relationship difficulties. Normally, they'd make a few jokes about how someone's relationship was going, and I get the vibe that they're actually trying hard not to say anything that comes across as homophobic. But anyway, that's not really the issue.

[Philemonite]

There's this guy. Who I like. Yeah. Now, I know you're looking at my gender and going "Ah, there may be a problem here."

I didn't think that, but I know that already.

You basically have three options.
First, wait for it to pass, but I think you have been doing that and it is not working.
Second, keep it to your self, witch is not very healthy.
Third, try to ask him out, or at least get a confirmation that he is not interested. If he says no, you will no that there is no chance, and you can move on. If he says yes, well that's a cause for celebration.

Anyway, my PM box is opened if you need anything.

[Jormengand]

I didn't think that, but I know that already.

You basically have three options.
First, wait for it to pass, but I think you have been doing that and it is not working.
Second, keep it to your self, witch is not very healthy.
Third, try to ask him out, or at least get a confirmation that he is not interested. If he says no, you will no that there is no chance, and you can move on. If he says yes, well that's a cause for celebration.

Anyway, my PM box is opened if you need anything.

Hmm.

First, yeah. Been feeling like this for a year and a half, almost.
Second, that's essentially the same thing.
Third, my answer to that still stands.

Thanks. It's good to know that there are still kind people here.

[celtois]

Hey Jormengand:

From the sounds of things you really have two options.
Option 1. Ask him out. Prepare for possible rejection (In which case move to option 2.). Also prepare for possible acceptance
Option 2. Accept that he won't be in a romantic relationship with you, and move on.

Neither option is easy, but those are the only two methods of productively moving forward.

I'm sure that for either option, there is a slew of good advice people here can give you. But fundamentally those are the two option.

[Coidzor]

I would just feel even more terrible about myself if I couldn't kid myself that he still likes me. And I'm absolutely terrible at asking people out. How would I even go about it?

The thing is, they're not homophobic. They're accepting of me, and really nice about it. But they just clam up and make "Uh, well... um, I guess" noises if I start talking about my relationship difficulties. Normally, they'd make a few jokes about how someone's relationship was going, and I get the vibe that they're actually trying hard not to say anything that comes across as homophobic. But anyway, that's not really the issue.

On the other hand, it'd help get you out of limbo even if that's actually how you would feel in the immediate short term.

Usually, "I'm interested in you and would like to pursue a romantic relationship, would you like to discuss this with me over coffee/tea/smoothies?" Though I'm sure others can supply something more witty.

Well that certainly sounds like *a* form of homophobia even if it's less violent and confrontational than traditional forms. Granted, if they're just scared of putting their feet in their mouths, you should be able to reassure them a bit if they're actually comfortable with you.

First, wait for it to pass, but I think you have been doing that and it is not working.

Since just waiting for it to pass hasn't been doing anything, I'd say that it's transmuted into go looking further afield for someone else to be interested in.

Also, the quoted part stood out to me. If you have crappy, homophobic friends, it might be time to start branching out a little and go looking for new friends who care enough about you to talk about the things that matter to you.

And meeting new people means you might run into eligible bachelors along the way.

I just...ugh. A relationship is practically all I want at this point. I'm so desperate for one. But it is impossible for me to get one.

I've never been in a relationship before. I've only ever been rejected. On two occasions, my desperation was distinctly interpreted and used so that I could be a sort of emotional crutch for the women in those cases, but that is all.

Spoiler

Show

Nothing is impossible, but desperation will definitely be working against you here.

That's unfortunate that you became interested in women who would misuse you in such a way and that you were so misused. That does, however, bring up the very good point that even if you want to actively pursue finding a partner, desperation is the enemy and striking a balance outside of desperation is key.

I'm trying to remember the site, but it's been linked in the thread's history a few times, a geek/introvert site discussing love and dating... I recall it had a fairly good article about how to get back into balance when coming from a place of desperation.

I recall that one strategy is to actively cut off dating and put it on hold so that one isn't putting one's attention there until one has improved one's life in other areas so that one has a better platform and better relationship with one's self to come from in approaching dating and love.

I'm 20, which is young still, but as more time goes on people want to be with someone with experience.

Like, would you get with someone who has the same amount of dating experience as an early high schooler? Those relationships tend to fall apart immediately. I don't expect that to happen to me, but it is a stigma that comes with inexperience, and it only gets harder as I get older.

Up to a certain point, sure, but at your age it's mostly imaginary except amongst a subset of the population that you likely will not really be interacting with or desiring to date, and then it stops being as big of a deal again until it starts to become more anomalous again, but, really, if someone is actually interested in you, it's not going to be a barrier barring them being really neurotic.

And you don't need that for a formative relationship experience anyway.

So really, Don't Panic. Plenty of people haven't had a relationship in their early twenties. So it's not the end of the world that you're 20 and never been kissed, as long as you're not making it out to be a big deal, because if you make it a big deal, other people will cue in.

And again, even though I'm young it seems that everyone I know IRL has at least been in a relationship. There's one person in the same situation as me that I know IRL and he acts practically asexual and isn't looking for anyone. I'm pretty sure if he were he'd succeed. Meanwhile, I've only ever failed.

This adds up, on top of other forms of rejection in my life (including my parents) and leads me to feel unlovable and forever alone. I don't feel like anyone would ever want to date me. I feel abhorrent, but I can't identify what about me is, other than physical appearance and the desperation itself.

Meet new people then. Examine what's been going on when you've failed. Have you been pursuing people you're completely incompatible with because of their looks? Have you been sabotaging yourself in some way? Do you just need to sell yourself better? Or is it more that you need to change up where you're meeting people?

While their lives are, in general, harder for it, victims of child abuse and orphans can and do find love. As much as it sucks to have to deal with, especially with the amount of therapy/counseling that can be needed for closure or at least to get started moving on and coming to a better place, it is possible.

I would very much encourage you to investigate your options for help, especially if you're enrolled in university, as they generally have services they offer directly or an arrangement with local practitioners.

I don't believe that.

I don't want a relationship because other people. I want a relationship, can't get one, and other people make me feel like I should be able to but I can't because I'm awful.

And yeah, I am aware of the confidence thing, but I find just having blind faith to be incredibly difficult.

It's sort of like finding an introverted person who mostly keeps to themselves and the friends they already have. Or encountering a geeky girl and recognizing her as such if she's not in the sub-section of the population that is always in your face and out there with it in how she dresses and carries herself and one isn't at a Con. That said, there's always ways we can improve ourselves or work on our defects to make us more attractive and more comfortable in our skin and more in control of our destinies.

Well, that's good that you've determined why you want it. That it's not just peer pressure spurring you on is to your credit. Those people who set out to make you feel that way are not your friends though, and generally should not be listened to. They're best described with terms I cannot use here.

It's not so much blind faith as becoming comfortable with yourself in your own skin to have confidence in yourself. Though it definitely helps to filter out the nay-sayers and voices that want to break you down for their own profit and substitute in uplifting/edifying sources.

[Jormengand]

Usually, "I'm interested in you and would like to pursue a romantic relationship, would you like to discuss this with me over coffee/tea/smoothies?" Though I'm sure others can supply something more witty.

Ugh... that just sounds so pretentious. Even if if it's not. I would just feel so weird even saying that.

Sorry, I took ranks in Complain. It scales off your charisma penalty.