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Thread: Personal Woes and Advice 2
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2013-06-28, 04:47 PM (ISO 8601)
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- Aug 2012
Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2
If she were stupid, or believed in obviously self-defeating logic I would agree with you. Unfortunately she's likely more intelligent than I, certainly her argumentative skills surpass my own. So if anyone's going to pop her bubble it will be her, at some point, having some epiphany.
It's more of an issue that her values as a human being frighten me. She professes to love human civilization - but in the abstract. She holds nothing but disdain for the elements of civilization, and humanity, which I think makes us human and civilization have any value. The soul, as it were.
I think a sociopath is someone who doesn't blush when they tell you they'd sterilize the disabled. I'm... not getting over that anytime soon.
I was afraid this would be it. For the life me, I couldn't find a moral method to remove her from my life, short of abandoning something I value in exchange. As much as I fail to respect her as a human being I can't honestly see myself deliberately interfering in her life by disrupting her volunteering with spurious complaints or other pettiness. This would be much easier if she were a racist, corrupt, incompetent, or was sexually harassing me or something.
I guess I'll just have to somehow compartmentalize those thoughts and focus on the positive of what I'm doing.
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2013-06-28, 04:55 PM (ISO 8601)
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- May 2007
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Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2
more than a sociopath, se sounds to me like someone who needs to get her head out of the books and look a bit closer into what life is really like.. and I realize you're volunteering together so she's probably exposed to some of it, but not in her head.. she's probably taking it as a chore that she can file away as soon as she hops in the car/bus and goes home.
on a not entirely unrelated note, whenever red cross volunteers are mentioned, I cannot not think of this gag:
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2013-06-28, 05:15 PM (ISO 8601)
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- Apr 2012
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Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2
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2013-06-28, 05:23 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Jan 2012
Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2
Absurd degrees of egocentricity combined with social cunning and an absolute disregard for emotion, both their own and other's. There's a bunch of other criteria too.
Originally Posted by From the Hare Psychopathy Checklist
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2013-06-28, 08:49 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- May 2005
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- control+apple+alt+8
Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2
That is a fantastic description of a sociopath, Grinner. I'll also second that she's probably not a sociopath; at least she does not sound like any of few true sociopaths that I have known. That's not say that she's perfectly normal. She probably just needs to grow in maturity; experience teaches lessons to those who are willing to learn. Sometimes it teaches lessons to those who aren't willing as well. Give it time, she will get worse or she will get better; it comes down to her.
[EDIT]
Oddly enough, I'd be curious if she has read Ayn Rand or Nietzsche. Her views may fit well with the former, but many people do not read Nietzsche and end up at a similar viewpoint while professing to understand his work... I'm just curious if she may be one such person.Last edited by TSGames; 2013-06-28 at 08:56 PM.
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2013-06-28, 09:11 PM (ISO 8601)
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- Nov 2005
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- Sydney, Australia
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Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2
What kind of exam is it?
I'm asking because the English exams in my area are essay-based, and you're marked on your skill at expressing yourself (ie your ability to use expressive and informative English as well as correct language) in addition to your ability to answer the question. Is it the same situation where you are? Are you required to answer questions in an essay format, or is it all short factual answers? Because if it's an essay-based exam like ours, then your mark may mean that you didn't get anything actually wrong, it's just there are people at your level who can demonstrate a better usage of the English language.
This is the reason I only got 75 in English in high-school: while I knew the texts extremely well, there were people who were able to express themselves in a more readable, interesting and informative way as well as knowing the content. And a part of that was lack of practice on my part.
So, if your exams are essay-based, I would suggest you practise writing, and especially the art of writing. You may have been taught to analyse texts and describe writing techniques, but you'll get a better mark if you're also able to actually apply those techniques in your own writing.
As for how to practise, I am not the best person to suggest study techniques. However I can tell you what didn't work for me: leaving all my assignments to the last minute/not completing them at all. I can also tell you what helped my now-husband: making a commitment to complete a timed piece of writing (equivalent to one essay out of a three-essay exam) every day over a decent period of time (he practised creative writing, which was one of the topics required in our exams, but I don't know what the content of your exams are. If you are feeling really creative, you can try to guess what kind of things you could be asked to describe from the texts you've studied, and practise that too.) You have until August? Maybe that might work for you.I'm pretty much the opposite of concise. If I fail to get to the point, please ask me and I'm happy to (attempt to) clarify.
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2013-06-28, 11:56 PM (ISO 8601)
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- Mar 2006
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- Charlottesville
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Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2
It scares me how many of those I match...
Anyways, how do you stop feeling bad about something that should be seen as a good thing? A friend of mine just got engaged tonight, and my first thought wasn't, "Good for her!" it was, "Another one?" As is, yet another friend of mine getting engaged and here I am completely alone with no prospects of anything happening. It's the fifth engagement in 3 years with all but 2 of the people involved being quite younger than me. It's troubling me and then I feel bad about feeling bad about it.Tali avatar by the talented Thormag.
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2013-06-29, 02:33 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Mar 2010
Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2
I do get it. Bad Roomie is just dredging up other memories. I grew up in an environment that I would describe, looking back, as nearing cultish. Highly sexist, extremely don't-question-anything, we have to shelter ourselves from the evil outside, you get the idea. Were they well intentioned? You bet. They had a completely screwed up paradigm which it was absolutely essential to hammer into children lest said children end up ruining their own lives for lack of proper guidance. They'd probably have been less dangerous as just bad people.
Hell, I've dealt with an outright well intentioned sex offender and the equally well intentioned people giving such completely stupid advice as "boys are just like that". These people can be dangerous.Hail to the Lord of Death and Destruction!
CATNIP FOR THE CAT GOD! YARN FOR THE YARN THRONE! MILK FOR THE MILK BOWL!
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2013-06-29, 03:45 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Feb 2013
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- California
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Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2
I think a sociopath is someone who doesn't blush when they tell you they'd sterilize the disabled. I'm... not getting over that anytime soon.
I was afraid this would be it. For the life me, I couldn't find a moral method to remove her from my life, short of abandoning something I value in exchange. As much as I fail to respect her as a human being I can't honestly see myself deliberately interfering in her life by disrupting her volunteering with spurious complaints or other pettiness. This would be much easier if she were a racist, corrupt, incompetent, or was sexually harassing me or something.
I guess I'll just have to somehow compartmentalize those thoughts and focus on the positive of what I'm doing.
Absurd degrees of egocentricity combined with social cunning and an absolute disregard for emotion, both their own and other's. There's a bunch of other criteria too.
Hell, I've dealt with an outright well intentioned sex offender and the equally well intentioned people giving such completely stupid advice as "boys are just like that". These people can be dangerous.
And as an off topic thing, can someone tell me how to quote multiple posts, short of what I did here with copying and pasting? I've only worked out how to quote one post.
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2013-06-29, 03:55 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Aug 2006
- Location
- Leeds, UK
- Gender
Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2
Press the quotation mark next to the quote button on all posts you want to quote.
"I'm just going on motive and opportunity here and the fact that if the earth got swallowed by a black hole, I'd look suspiciously in your direction first."
~ Timberwolf
"I blame Castaras. You know... In general."
~ KuReshtin
"Castaras - An absolutely adorable facade that hides a truly ruthless streak."
~ The Succubus
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2013-06-29, 04:57 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Feb 2013
- Location
- California
- Gender
Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2
...oh. Why have I never seen that before? It even says multi-quote. Well thank you, you have taught a very dumb man a quite useful skill. I really am very appreciative, thank you.
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2013-06-29, 06:01 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- May 2005
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- control+apple+alt+8
Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2
TopSecret's First Ever Two Page Tabletop ContestIf you have any questions, want to talk about the contest entries, or you just want to hang out with cool people, visit our forums.
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2013-06-29, 06:26 PM (ISO 8601)
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- Oct 2008
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- Xin-Shalast
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2013-06-30, 03:09 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Jan 2012
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2013-06-30, 08:33 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Aug 2006
- Location
- Leeds, UK
- Gender
Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2
"I'm just going on motive and opportunity here and the fact that if the earth got swallowed by a black hole, I'd look suspiciously in your direction first."
~ Timberwolf
"I blame Castaras. You know... In general."
~ KuReshtin
"Castaras - An absolutely adorable facade that hides a truly ruthless streak."
~ The Succubus
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2013-06-30, 01:53 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Dec 2010
- Gender
Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2
I realized recently that I never replied to this thread and gave an update. Although my problem was very small compared to what a lot of people are dealing with, perhaps the update can bring a little positivity and uplifting into this thread, which I think may be of some help.
Here's my original post (minus some bits that related to other people in the thread):
So, I chose to go ahead with the recommendations from this professor and from another one whom I only had two classes with but claimed to remember me. I decided to drop off the recommendation forms in person, both as an excuse to visit my college campus again and with the thought that perhaps seeing me in person might help jog the professor's memory.
And it did. He remembered me, we had a nice conversation and I got both recommendation letters mailed in. I received my acceptance notice last September, started school in January, and have now completed four of the twelve courses in my program. It hasn't always been easy, and the graduate schedule combined with my poor time management skills and bad procrastination habit has sort of killed my social life for the time being, but I am making it through grad school with good grades so far. I'm piling up an uncomfortable amount of student loans (and had to take out another loan to replace my car in March as well), but I've found that this is something I not only can do, but want to do and enjoy.
By the way, thank you MonkeyBusiness for replying to my original post.
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2013-06-30, 03:37 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Jan 2012
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2013-06-30, 04:39 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Mar 2007
Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2
You can't really make yourself be happy for others but like you said your sadness about this almost certainly stems from your own life, not others' lives. Therefore: perhaps look there first. Of course you can't really snap your fingers and find the love of your life (or whatever you happen to be looking for) but you can work to be more content in yourself without any partner which in general makes it easier to find happiness in other peoples situations. Not great advice perhaps but it does kinda work.
I've come across the same problem to a lesser extent (not engagements, just friends all pairing off) where at one point I felt a bit of a 19th wheel most of the time. Made me a bit more bitter than is helpful but these things pass.
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2013-07-02, 12:18 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Mar 2010
Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2
Hail to the Lord of Death and Destruction!
CATNIP FOR THE CAT GOD! YARN FOR THE YARN THRONE! MILK FOR THE MILK BOWL!
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2013-07-02, 01:36 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Feb 2013
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- California
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Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2
Hmm, you either just have good explaining skills or made a masterful Diplomacy check there, because I actually can't reason against this. It is still a bad frame of mind to me, and I still feel strongly on the issue, but here at least I see just what you mean about well intentioned. Still a bit of a scary thought though. Thank you for the explanation.
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2013-07-02, 04:00 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Nov 2005
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- Sydney, Australia
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Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2
It scares me that sometimes it really is that simple ... and it demonstrates why those attitudes are so dangerous, and also explains why these offenses are so common. People who hold these attitudes can end up doing hurtful things without necessarily ever thinking they've done anything wrong, unless someone pulls them up after the fact. I just hope that as these attitudes get addressed and hopefully become less common, there might be a corresponding drop in the rates of such crimes.
I'm pretty much the opposite of concise. If I fail to get to the point, please ask me and I'm happy to (attempt to) clarify.
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2013-07-04, 12:03 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Apr 2007
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- Hastings, MN
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Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2
Going through a rough time right now, and this time my mom and I are in full agreement.
My aunt, my mom's sister who's dealt with cerebral palsy and other stuff since birth, is in the hospital right now after a severe head injury. She's currently bleeding in her brain, and the doctors are doing their very best to help her, but operating on her brain directly would likely cause more harm than good. My mom and uncle, the siblings who've been there for her the most, taking her out of the group home once a week and bringing her to every family function, have said that they may put her on a respirator to allow the doctors to work a bit easier, as whenever my aunt's been awake she thrashes around and wants to get out of the bed, and it took 3 people holding her down for almost 45 minutes. She's a spitfire like that, never content to sit still, always eager to crawl wherever she wanted in the house, and never took "no" for an answer. Anyway, my mom and uncle said if the respirator didn't help, they weren't going to take any extraordinary measures to keep my aunt alive. I understand their viewpoint and agree with it, but that doesn't make it hurt less.
My aunt's been a part of my life since the beginning. She outlived the odds by a mile. When she was born, she was so frail the doctors said she wouldn't live to see two years old. She's now 53 years old. I know we can only wait and see, and she's not down yet. But the worrying is eating at me. My mom's got a stronger bond with her than almost anyone else. She practically raised her, and it was my aunt's condition that inspired my mom to become an occupational therapist. And we sort of inherited that bond, as we always went with her. It was always great to go out for ice cream with her, or breakfast, or to bring her to Disney World to celebrate her turning 50. I've encountered death before in my life, and even though there's still hope she'll pull through this, I don't know how to deal with the knot of emotions this is bringing up.
Just sort of wanted to get this off my chest, and you guys have always had good advice and been very supportive and caring. I know whenever I've got a problem, The Playground's always there to help.Last edited by Archpaladin Zousha; 2013-07-04 at 12:04 AM.
"Reach down into your heart and you'll find many reasons to fight. Survival. Honor. Glory. But what about those who feel it's their duty to protect the innocent? There you'll find a warrior savage enough to match any dragon, and in the end, they'll retain what the others won't. Their humanity."
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2013-07-04, 01:51 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Jul 2011
Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2
I need advice on handling a phobia.
SpoilerSuddenly, out of the blue and within the last few days, I gained an extreme phobia of driving over bridges. At least, I think that's the right word. I live on a small island and so have to drive across a very tall and long bridge at least twice a day, and up until the last few days, I was fine. But now, the second it goes from highway to bridge my grip tightens, my pulse quickens, and I start screaming in short bursts. I mean, literally, screaming. I turn the radio up and yell really, really loudly. I don't know if it's a phobia or whatever because the thought of it doesn't scare me, and I don't really think it's a height thing either. The shoulders disappear and it's a bridge over shipping traffic, so not flat—it feels like I don't have anywhere to go, like I'm a cow being funneled into a slaughterhouse. Maybe that's not it—I don't know; I'm really just looking for some sort of coping strategy. So far I've tried deep breathing and the screaming thing, and neither of those seem to help at all.... I came to appreciate that mountains make poor receptacles for dreams.
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2013-07-04, 02:06 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Feb 2013
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- California
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Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2
@Zousha- I really do wish the best and pray for the well-being of your aunt, if you're the type for praying. Otherwise just well wishes, but I'm very sorry for this happening to you and you're family. I believe that it is still best to hope and believe that things will be okay, it is much more positive and beneficial than thinking negatively, no matter what is happening or how bad and scary things seem.
I can't speak for everybody of course, but as one Playground denizen I have my fingers crossed and all my wishes sent for all of you and especially your aunt right now. It sounds like she's very much a fighter, as you said a spitfire, and I hope she continues to be that way.
@Kindablue- I'm sorry for this sudden fear. You said this started recently? How strange. Unfortunately I don't really know a lot for how these sorts of things happen. Any advice I have is typically only useful if you aren't driving...I hope that there is someone in the Playground who knows better how to handle fears. I do wish you the best for getting better with it. Any attempt to deal with your fear is a step in the right direction.
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2013-07-04, 06:06 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Jun 2012
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- Hiding in the Wardrobe
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Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2
General advice for dealing with phobias:
1) Desensitization. Sucks, but it's a thing. Find some aspect that scares you a little (maybe a pedestrian bridge? Some other enclosed/narrow space? Just guessing here, since you say it's not a height thing) and work on that until you're comfortable with it. Then try something a little harder.
2) As a corollary: Reward yourself. Think Skinner box. Try to build some positive associations with bridges - eat a chocolate whenever you go over one, or put a cute sticker on your dashboard, or something. Make it be immediate, though; don't think "if I go over the bridge every day for a week without panicking, I'll go out for dinner." You can do that too, but the immediate reward is really important.
3) If it continues, gets worse, or starts to interfere with your life (e.g., it scares you so much you have to stop going to work, or sit at the bottom of the bridge for an hour every morning working up your nerve) see a therapist.
General disclaimer: I am not a doctor. I am not a therapist. I have dealt with anxiety disorders, both in myself and in family members. Advice on the internet is what you pay for it.
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2013-07-04, 09:21 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Oct 2008
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- Xin-Shalast
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Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2
Rant on emotions and sympathy and compassion:
SpoilerI really hate myself and my unrealistic expectations of basic emotions and what my emotional response is versus what it should be and never knowing how to actually show sympathy or compassion even when I actually do legitimately feel that way and want to express such... words and actions feel like completely meaningless ash and a charade that everyone knows is stupid and ridiculous and that even trying to voice sympathy is a waste of time that makes everyone judge me negatively for not seeing through the farce of it all.
It's bad enough that cruelty comes to me more quickly than feelings of compassion and wanting to help others, but feeling completely unable to give comfort if I can't give true aid has got to be the most paralyzing and frustrating feeling I've felt.
I suspect I may be some kind of emotional cripple or something for even caring about it when I know that it's ridiculous and that people don't actually work that way and almost everyone has trouble with things that actually call for compassion or condolences being tendered.
edit: Hoped this would pass quickly. No such luck. Wrestling with it only seems to make it turn to darker things.
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2013-07-05, 03:05 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Jul 2011
Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2
SpoilerThanks.
A part of me was hoping someone was going to say, "drive over a lot of bridges at once."
The problem is that I already go over a lot of bridges in my day-to-day. It's really only the one big one that freaks me out, and I also go over that every day too.
2) As a corollary: Reward yourself. Think Skinner box. Try to build some positive associations with bridges - eat a chocolate whenever you go over one, or put a cute sticker on your dashboard, or something. Make it be immediate, though; don't think "if I go over the bridge every day for a week without panicking, I'll go out for dinner." You can do that too, but the immediate reward is really important.
3) If it continues, gets worse, or starts to interfere with your life (e.g., it scares you so much you have to stop going to work, or sit at the bottom of the bridge for an hour every morning working up your nerve) see a therapist.
General disclaimer: I am not a doctor. I am not a therapist. I have dealt with anxiety disorders, both in myself and in family members. Advice on the internet is what you pay for it.
I'm overthinking it, basically.
Thank you for the advice.... I came to appreciate that mountains make poor receptacles for dreams.
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2013-07-05, 03:05 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- May 2007
- Gender
Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2
You could try the "going in at the deep end/swim or die" approach.
If you fear not having good feelings towards others within you, or an inability to express those, carve out a little time to do volunteer work. Nothing helps finding empathy and a kind word for everybody like facing the destitute in a soup kitchen, the terminally ill in a hospital ward, bringing the groceries to an old lady that can't leave the house because she can't manage the stairs or help a mentally disabled child with his school tasks.
You may find you're crap at it..for a while..but when you see firsthand that the people you're being crap "at" really depend on you not being crap..you learn.
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2013-07-08, 04:13 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Apr 2007
- Location
- Hastings, MN
- Gender
Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2
After a few hair-raising days worrying, my aunt is back at the group home, no worse for wear. It turns out her fall was CAUSED by the bleed in her brainstem, not THE CAUSE of it, and thanks to some very great doctors and nurses, that bleed's dissolved and her blood pressure's back to normal. And more recently she was back on solid meals and sat in her wheelchair for over 3 hours. This is a great relief for us, and once again she's proven the odds mean nothing to her. I'm so glad she's okay!"Reach down into your heart and you'll find many reasons to fight. Survival. Honor. Glory. But what about those who feel it's their duty to protect the innocent? There you'll find a warrior savage enough to match any dragon, and in the end, they'll retain what the others won't. Their humanity."
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2013-07-08, 05:18 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Jan 2012