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Thread: Crack Pairings Matchup Table
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2009-07-03, 05:06 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Nov 2006
- Location
- England
Re: Crack Pairings Matchup Table
Suggest a crack pairing (with OOTS characters) and I'll write it.
Last edited by Zanaril; 2009-07-03 at 05:08 AM.
This post may contain sarcasm.
DeviantArt
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2009-07-03, 05:10 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Nov 2008
Re: Crack Pairings Matchup Table
Belkar, Zz'Dtri, O-Chul, Therkla and the Demon Roaches.
Nadir We,
Youth Born,
Blood Letters,
Axe Weilders,
Victors Still.
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2009-07-03, 06:07 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Nov 2006
- Location
- England
Re: Crack Pairings Matchup Table
SpoilerOf all the stupid ways of dying it had to be this. So much for being a sexy god of war. Belkar's soul groaned and opened his eyes, only to be pulled backwards and a slender green hand clamped over his mouth, muffling further protests.
"Shh!" a soft voice whispered in his ear. Belkar twisted out of his captor's grasp then stopped and smirked as he caught sight of the female half-orc. Well hello. They were crouched behind a cluster of sharp rocks that lined the edges of a large cavern, the walls floor and celing red rock. Belkar's sensative nose was overwhelmed by the smell of burning.
"Where the hell are we?!" He hissed, crouching out of sight next to her.
"Somewhere in the lower planes." The girl muttered. "Now shut up, or someone will notice us!".
"what are you-"
"Come on!" she said, suddenly grabbing the halfing by the back of his shirt and dodging out of the rocks and down a dark corridor. "I was doing fine and then you had pop up right next to me!" She exclamed.
Belkar struggled to get his feet touching the floor "Why are we running?"
"Because I'm getting out of here"
"But there's no-one aro-"
"The secrity cameras don't cover this area for a few seconds every ten minutes" Suddenly she dodged into a small side passage and crouched down in the gloom. Belkar scurried in behind her.
She was wearing a tight-fitting ninja outfit, the hood pulled back to reveal long, thick wavy green hair. Her curved silhouette was outlined against the lighted tunned. Belkar admired the view.
"There's a way out along here, I heard some fiends talking about it. Nobody's spotted me yet for some reason, so I though I had a shot at escaping. lets go!"
She dodged out of the darkness and hurtled along the passageway Belkar close on her heels. And it did seem that the air was getting fresher,the distant screams more distant, and the tunnel was beginning to slope steeply up. Suddenly up ahead the sky could be seen brightly through the mouth of the tunnel, and in a few seconds they were out in sunlight on a rocky plain, surrounded by distant mountains. Belkar glanced back. The same terrain extended far in every direction, and no opening in the ground could be seen. He shrugged and ran on to catch up with the ninja girl.
"Lucky I was so near the exit eh?" Belkar commented
"Lets get away from here, just in case anyone can follow us." She said.
"So... any idea where we are?"
"I think.. I think we're somewhere near Azure city! We can make our way there, we can't head out anywhere else without suppies."
"But aren't we dead?!" Belkar exclamed.
In response she quickly jabbed at his ear. "Ow!" the halfling exclamed, then lunged at her legs, trying to trip her.
"Seem like we're pretty rea- oof!" She stumbled and fell, the halfling still clinging her her legs. "Get off" She growled, kicking him away then rolling into a crouch. "What did you do that fo-"
She was cut off as Belkar grabbed her shoulders and covered her mouth with his. She tensed, then relaxed into his grasp as skilled hands tugged at her clothing.
"I'm- my name's Therkla" she gasped as they broke for breath.
"Whatever." Then he started kissing her again.
End of part 1.
...I still can't figure out how to write Zz'Dtri in.
But at least Tsukiko, O-chul and the roaches are in the right place!Last edited by Zanaril; 2009-07-03 at 12:36 PM.
This post may contain sarcasm.
DeviantArt
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2009-07-03, 06:14 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Nov 2008
Re: Crack Pairings Matchup Table
Nice. Better written then mine, anyway.
Nadir We,
Youth Born,
Blood Letters,
Axe Weilders,
Victors Still.
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2009-07-03, 07:03 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Mar 2009
Re: Crack Pairings Matchup Table
It's been a bit, GitP. If you're reading this, you're either digging through old stuff, or I've posted for the first time in forever.
If you want to stay in touch, reach out to me on twitter (same username).
The best answer is always to ask your DM.
Unless you're the DM, in which case you should talk to your players.
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2009-07-03, 07:08 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Oct 2008
- Location
- South Africa
- Gender
Re: Crack Pairings Matchup Table
The Good Cat Mistress shall show mercy to her servants
My Homebrew
SpoilerRace
Wiggles
Monsters
Cold iron dragon
Argent dragon
Base Class
Glowherd
Silly stuff
Acid classes (as inspired by DracoDei)
Keeper of the Fourth Gate (PrC)
Competitions
Afroakuma's Giantitp Villain Competition
Other
Sereg's Alternative Pronunciation Guide System
Competitions that I've Currently Entered: Lord Gareth's The Alter of Naught Base Class Challenge
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2009-07-03, 07:24 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Nov 2006
- Location
- England
Re: Crack Pairings Matchup Table
SpoilerThe scantly clad mage stood before them, hands on hips and a smug grin on her face.
They had been sneaking around the store rooms looking for food, when two undead creatures had come across them. They'd taken one down easily, but before they could dispatch the other one, it and raised an alert and run away from them calling for it's mummy.
"Don't think I've forgotten about you, you cat throwing bastard" Tsukiko sneered, leaning down and jabbing a finger at the halflings face. Belkar pulled back as much as the undead holding his arms would allow, and tried to keep his eyes on the goth's face.
"Look, if it helps I think you're really hot, and if that offer to joining your team is still-"
"Don't push your luck, shorty." she growled, and hit him across the face. "And does your girlfriend have anything to say" she rounded on Therkla, who was in a similar position to the halfling.
"...I think you're hot too?"
"Gah! Put them in with that damn paladin!" She said, taking to the air and flying off in a huff. Two pairs of eyes followed her departure.
"That really is a short skirt." Therkla said with a grin as they were dragged away.
More is comming soon...
I don't have any dice.
Ooh, thanks for the idea!Last edited by Zanaril; 2009-07-03 at 03:37 PM.
This post may contain sarcasm.
DeviantArt
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2009-07-03, 08:44 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Nov 2008
-
2009-07-03, 08:58 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Nov 2006
- Location
- England
Re: Crack Pairings Matchup Table
This post may contain sarcasm.
DeviantArt
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2009-07-03, 09:10 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Nov 2008
Re: Crack Pairings Matchup Table
Tell me about it. I can't read posts without seeing that sort of thing anymore.
In the Belkar is like Dath Vader one, I got the urge to write a Belkar Darth Vader Joker threesome.
I need serious help. Professional serious help.Nadir We,
Youth Born,
Blood Letters,
Axe Weilders,
Victors Still.
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2009-07-03, 09:24 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Nov 2006
- Location
- England
Re: Crack Pairings Matchup Table
Last edited by Zanaril; 2009-07-03 at 09:26 AM.
This post may contain sarcasm.
DeviantArt
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2009-07-03, 03:14 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Jun 2009
- Location
- The land of corn
- Gender
Re: Crack Pairings Matchup Table
So just whipped this one up. It sucks, but I figured just getting it done was the important part.
It's the Celia x TiVo unrequited one. I'll write the male Tsukiko x Roy one later and tie it into this.
Spoiler“What are you, some sort of overgrown fairy?” Xykon asked, looking over Celia. Her wings beat softly but could carry her nowhere given the circumstances. Tied up and with a lich ready to kill her at any moment, she could only sit and hope. Maybe Roy would succeed in his fight with Tsukiko and be able to rescue her.
“I’m a Sylph,” she said. There wasn’t any point in getting angry. It would only make things worse for her.
“Wait a minute. I know you from somewhere,” Xykon said. “Redcloak! Bring the TiVo, I want to check something. Oh, and Xykon’s Moderately Escapable Forcecage. Now sit tight while I go figure out who you are. I think you have something to do with that green guy trying to kill me with his hilt or something.”
Xykon rambled on, walking around the room while Celia sat in the cage, unable to escape. He doesn’t even know who Roy is, she thought. What kind of complete monster doesn’t even know or care who it is that’s trying to stop them?
A goblin in a red cloak walked in, his right eye a scabbed patch of skin. He set the TiVo down next to the Forcecage. “Sir, I think Greenhilt is trying to come kill you again. Black Squadron is on it, but I’m not sure if they’ll be able to stop him.”
“Who?”
“The guy who keeps trying to kill you, sir.”
No recognition seemed to pass over the lich’s skeletal features.
“He led the Order of the Stick in their defeat of us at Dorukon’s gate.”
“The Order of the Who?”
“He jumped on your dragon and you killed him.”
“I remember something like that happening. That was a few hundred strips ago, though, wasn’t it?”
“Yes, sir.”
“Then I don’t remember who did it.”
“Nevermind, sir. I’m just going to go bring reinforcements to Black Squadron.”
“You do that.”
“Yes, sir.”
The goblin left, and again Celia and Xykon were alone. The TiVo sat quietly by the cage until Xykon took a remote control and pressed a button.
“TiVo, I know I’ve seen her before. Find that scry, will you?” Xykon said. “I do all my best scrying with TiVo. He’s real good like that.”
Celia sat quietly, ignoring the lich and his remarks. If the TiVo had any recordings of her, that would mean Xykon would remember Roy and go out to kill him again. She had to hope that the TiVo had nothing.
“What do you mean you don’t have any recordings of her? I know I’ve seen her on your screen”
The TiVo simply shuddered in fear, watching Celia and avoiding its owner’s eye sockets. No, Celia thought. There’s no way it doesn’t have anything on us.
Xykon hurled some sort of spell at the TiVo, but the Tivo dodged and ran. Spell after spell flew from Xykon’s fingertips, but none hit the TiVo. In fact, most of them hit the floor around Celia’s prison in the Forcecage. The floor was weakening. If it fell away, she might be able to escape.
“Come back here, you stupid scrying focus. I won’t destroy you if you just show me the scry.”
The TiVo stood its ground, stopping right in front of the Forcecage. An image appeared on the screen, but Celia couldn’t tell what it was.
“That does it. Meteor Swarm!”
The blast destroyed the floor beneath the Forcecage as well as the ropes binding Celia. The TiVo was nowhere to be seen and through the smoke Celia could make out the form of Xykon coming down to survey the damage. She could escape through the hole and he would be none the wiser, probably thinking he’d incinerated her with the spell.
Celia flew out through the hole, thinking fondly of the little TiVo that had tried to protect her. She just had to find Roy and all would be well.
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2009-07-03, 03:18 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Nov 2006
- Location
- England
Re: Crack Pairings Matchup Table
Meh, kind of tame. Well written though.
Last edited by Zanaril; 2009-07-03 at 03:19 PM.
This post may contain sarcasm.
DeviantArt
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2009-07-03, 03:34 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Jun 2009
- Location
- The land of corn
- Gender
Re: Crack Pairings Matchup Table
I like raunch, personally, but I don't trust my own abilities to write it well. That and this advice always seemed appropriate:
"Giving a reader a sex scene that is only half right is like giving her half of a kitten. It is not half as cute as a whole kitten; it is a bloody, godawful mess."
Thank you, by the way.
Haven't written anything close to the definition of fanfiction in over a year, so I'm glad I can still do it reasonably well.
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2009-07-03, 03:36 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Nov 2006
- Location
- England
Re: Crack Pairings Matchup Table
I get where you're comming from.
Although with a lot of these, how badly they're written is half of the fun...This post may contain sarcasm.
DeviantArt
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2009-07-03, 04:06 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Jun 2009
- Location
- The land of corn
- Gender
Re: Crack Pairings Matchup Table
Well, I'll be sure to get all IKEA with the erotica for the Roy/Tsukiko one.
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2009-07-03, 04:17 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- May 2009
- Location
- In a castle under the sea
- Gender
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2009-07-03, 04:41 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Nov 2006
- Location
- England
Re: Crack Pairings Matchup Table
Last edited by Zanaril; 2009-07-03 at 04:43 PM.
This post may contain sarcasm.
DeviantArt
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2009-07-03, 05:53 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Jun 2009
- Location
- TX, USA
- Gender
Re: Crack Pairings Matchup Table
-rolls with eyes covered- Please don't be mindbendingly wrong, please don't be mindbendingly wrong... Aaaaand it's an O-ChulxSarah Greenhilt. On a desert island. With a french maid costume involved.
....Anybody else want this one?"It must be humbling to suck on so many levels." -Sheldon Cooper, Big Bang Theory
When life gives you lemons, tell Belkar it called him short and then laugh from a safe distance.
Starving the trolls since 2004
Proud inventor of the I-pod Throwing Star... I think.
Feel free to click the clickies! (By that I mean DO IT NOW!)
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2009-07-03, 07:25 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Nov 2008
Re: Crack Pairings Matchup Table
You call that mind-bendingly wrong? I wrote crack involving Winston Churchill and Harry Potter!
Nadir We,
Youth Born,
Blood Letters,
Axe Weilders,
Victors Still.
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2009-07-03, 07:37 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Jan 2009
- Location
- Nebraska, USA
- Gender
How to: Glibness
Spoiler
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2009-07-03, 07:40 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Jun 2009
- Location
- TX, USA
- Gender
Re: Crack Pairings Matchup Table
Oh, no; not after reading this thread and the TvTropes page. I just don't really feel like writing it. :/
I think I'll roll again.
...
Am NOT going to write BelkarxArgentxSnarlxthe Entire Hobgoblin Army. I think I'll try doing an Erfworld/OOTS crossover pairing. Rolling...
Parson GottixSangwaan. As said by another poster, this one deserves a better writer than me.
Aaaaand just for fun, another OOTS/Erf crosspair. -rolls- ThogxDecrypted. Meh."It must be humbling to suck on so many levels." -Sheldon Cooper, Big Bang Theory
When life gives you lemons, tell Belkar it called him short and then laugh from a safe distance.
Starving the trolls since 2004
Proud inventor of the I-pod Throwing Star... I think.
Feel free to click the clickies! (By that I mean DO IT NOW!)
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2009-07-03, 07:48 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Jun 2009
- Location
- TX, USA
- Gender
Re: Crack Pairings Matchup Table
"It must be humbling to suck on so many levels." -Sheldon Cooper, Big Bang Theory
When life gives you lemons, tell Belkar it called him short and then laugh from a safe distance.
Starving the trolls since 2004
Proud inventor of the I-pod Throwing Star... I think.
Feel free to click the clickies! (By that I mean DO IT NOW!)
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2009-07-03, 07:53 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Jun 2009
Re: Crack Pairings Matchup Table
I rolled Genderswitched-Shojo/Hinjo
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2009-07-03, 10:09 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Nov 2008
Re: Crack Pairings Matchup Table
It's at the bottom of page five.
Enjoy your psychological scarring.Nadir We,
Youth Born,
Blood Letters,
Axe Weilders,
Victors Still.
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2009-07-03, 10:36 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Jun 2009
- Location
- TX, USA
- Gender
Re: Crack Pairings Matchup Table
Huh. Musta missed it the first time through.
-reads-
-spews coffee all over her screen-
-falls off her chair laughing hysterically-
I say again: WIN! XD"It must be humbling to suck on so many levels." -Sheldon Cooper, Big Bang Theory
When life gives you lemons, tell Belkar it called him short and then laugh from a safe distance.
Starving the trolls since 2004
Proud inventor of the I-pod Throwing Star... I think.
Feel free to click the clickies! (By that I mean DO IT NOW!)
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2009-07-04, 12:05 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Nov 2008
Re: Crack Pairings Matchup Table
Here we have my Masterpiece.
The completed giant in the Playgrounds crack table.
It is glorious.
tried to use characters everyone would know.
Roll twice on the first table, then do as instructed.
1 OotS Initial table
2 OotS Pathetic table
3 OotS lightweight table
4 OotS heavyweight table
5 Erfworld Character Table
6 Roll On "Other" Table
Spoiler
Initial table
1 Roy
2 Durkon
3 Celia
4 Xykon
5 Tsuiko
6 Vaarsuvius
7 Monster in The Dark
8 Miko
9 Nale
10 Elan
11 Haley
12 Belkar
13 Lord Shojo
14 Redcloak
15 Hinjo
16 Diago
17 Kazumi
18 Inkyrius
19 Roll again twice
20 Genderswitch (If Vaarsuvius, roll again)
Pathetic table
1 The guy with The halberd
2 Sarah Greenhilt
3 Haley's dad
4 Tanh
5 Julio Scoundrel
6 Mr Rodrigez
7 Horace Greenhilt
8 Therkla
9 Zzz'Dtri
10 YokYok
11 Leeky Windstaff
12 The Cliffport chief of police
13 Windstriiker
14 Jirix
15 Lien
16 Argent
17 Yor
18 Roll again twice
19 Roll again on the lightweight table
20 Genderswitch (If Vaarsuvius, roll again)
Lightweight Table
1 Soon Kim (incorporeal)
2 Shadowdancer
3 Hilga (If Durkon, roll again)
4 Durokan
5 Bozzok
6 Crystal
7 Bandit King
8 Ancient Black Dragon
9 O-Chul
10 The Snarl
11 The Eye of Fear and Flame
12 Lord Kabuto
13 Thog
14 Julia Greenhilt
15 Belkar
16 The oracle
17 Jephton/Haetra/Ganneron
18 Add a random template to one of the characters
19 Roll again twice
20 Switch to the Heavyweight table
Heavyweight Table
1 The dragon's hoard
2 The chimera
3 The really dangerous trap
4 Roy's Archon
5 The Hydra
6 Teevo
7 Xykon's zombie dragon head
8 Roy's sword
9 The entire Hobgoblin army
10 The orc chieftain
11 The IFCC
12 Durkon while under the effects of Thor's might
13 Mr Scruffy
14 Hieronymus Grubwiggler
15 All of the Demon Roaches at once
16 Flesh golem Roy
17 Roll again on any table but spell characters name wrong
18 Roll again three times
19 Roll again on all of the tables, and add each character you roll to the pairing
20 Genderswitch (If Vaarsuvius, roll again)
"Other"
1 Movie
2 Book
3 Telivision
4 Real Life
Spoiler
Movie Table
1 Captain Jack Sparrow (Pirates Of the Carabeen)
2 Predator (predator)
3 Terminator (terminator)
4 Borat (Borat)
5 The Joker (Batman)
6 Darth Vader (Star Wars)
7 The Emperor (Star Wars)
8 Optimus Prime (Transformers)
9 ET (E.T)
10 Jason Vorhee's (Friday the thirteenth)
11 King Kong (King Kong)
12 Jake and Elwood Blues (The Blues Brothers)
13 Neo (Matrix)
14 James Bond (James Bond)
15 Indiana Jones (Indiana Jones)
16 Michael Corleone (The Godfather)
17 Hannibal Lecter (Silence of the lambs)
18 Roll again twice
19 Roll again on the next table
20 Use them all.
Books
1 Harry Potter (Harry Potter)
2 Edward Cullen (Twilight)
3 Frodo (Lord of the Rings)
4 Raistlin majere (Dragolance)
5 Drizzt Do'Urden (Forgotten Realms)
6 Conan (Conan)
7 Dread C'thulu (H P Lovecraft)
8 Paul Atredis (Dune)
9 Dracula (Dracula)
10 Frankenstein (Frankenstein)
11 Huckleberry Finn (Huckleberry Finn)
12 Oliver Twist (Charles Dickens)
13 Jane Eyre
14 Robin Hood (Robin Hood)
15 King Arthur (The sword in the Stone)
16 Lord Vetinari (Diskworld)
17 roll twice
18 roll on the next table
19 All of them
20 Make up the worst Mary Sue you can.
Someone else do television, I fear my lack of owning one of the things makes me ill-equipped to handle this.
Real Life
1 Samuel L Jackson
2 President Obama
3 Winston Churchill
4 Stalin
5 John Lennon
6 Margerat Thatcher
7 Paris Hilton
8 Keith Richards
9 Oscar Wilde
10 George W Bush
11 Kim Jong Ill
12 Jack Black
13 Pope Benedict
14 Bill Gates
15 Any historical character
16 Roll twice
17 Anyone from real life
18 Yourself
19 Everyone on this table
20 Everyone on all the tables. Do it.
Last edited by Cracklord; 2009-07-04 at 12:07 AM.
Nadir We,
Youth Born,
Blood Letters,
Axe Weilders,
Victors Still.
-
2009-07-04, 07:30 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- May 2009
- Location
- In a castle under the sea
- Gender
Re: Crack Pairings Matchup Table
...
Alright...
I'll take a 5-foot step away from you...next turn I'm running...
Ew...
Alright.
SabinexNale.
Genderflipped HaleyxGenderflipped Elan.
Okay, table, you can stop now.
Genderflipped genderflipped RoyxGenderflipped genderflipped genderflipped genderflipped Celia.
Er...wow.
I'lll do the table above me. I hope it's not crazy like the one I've been using.
OotS pathetic table, OotS pathetic table...
The Guy with a Halberd, Cliffport Chief of Police...
The Guy with a HalberdxCliffport Chief of Police
Erm...woah.
...Anyone care to do this?
edit: More...hopefully not...y'know...too weird.
OotS heavyweight, OotS initial...
The dragons hoard, Belkar...
Eep.
OotS heavyweight, Erfworld (uh-oh)...
The really dangerous trap, Parson...Who's Parson?
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2009-07-04, 09:10 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Jan 2009
- Location
- Nebraska, USA
- Gender
Re: Crack Pairings Matchup Table
Last edited by The Blackbird; 2009-07-04 at 09:13 AM.
How to: Glibness
Spoiler
-
2009-07-04, 11:10 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Jun 2009
- Location
- TX, USA
- Gender
Re: Crack Pairings Matchup Table
"It must be humbling to suck on so many levels." -Sheldon Cooper, Big Bang Theory
When life gives you lemons, tell Belkar it called him short and then laugh from a safe distance.
Starving the trolls since 2004
Proud inventor of the I-pod Throwing Star... I think.
Feel free to click the clickies! (By that I mean DO IT NOW!)