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Thread: Crack Pairings Matchup Table
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2009-07-11, 06:02 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Jun 2009
- Gender
Re: Crack Pairings Matchup Table
Roy x That Guy with the Halberd. Hmm....
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2009-07-11, 06:05 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Nov 2006
- Location
- England
Re: Crack Pairings Matchup Table
This post may contain sarcasm.
DeviantArt
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2009-07-11, 06:07 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Jun 2009
- Gender
Re: Crack Pairings Matchup Table
Windstriker x the IFCC with something not PG enough to mention on this board.
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2009-07-11, 06:08 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Nov 2006
- Location
- England
This post may contain sarcasm.
DeviantArt
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2009-07-11, 06:21 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Jun 2009
- Gender
Re: Crack Pairings Matchup Table
Oh my god.
Most insane roll ever. It started off with two fours and two 19s (so roll on every table and add... twice) and just got worse (two "roll three times on heavyweight).
So the final pairing is...
An adulterous relationship between Hinjo, Yor, Belkar, Thor's Might Durkon, Flesh Golem Roy, Mr. Scruffy, Caesar Borgota, Weiner Rammers, Miko, Lord Kubota, Julia Greenhilt, The Orc Chieftain, The IFCC, all the demon roaches, Dora, and some Spidews.
Holy crap. This has to be one of the Fanfiction ones.
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2009-07-14, 10:00 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Nov 2008
Re: Crack Pairings Matchup Table
You have to write that. It is beautiful beyond the ability of words to express.
Nadir We,
Youth Born,
Blood Letters,
Axe Weilders,
Victors Still.
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2009-07-14, 11:05 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Oct 2008
- Location
- Kadary, Motavia
Re: Crack Pairings Matchup Table
I doubt any option wasn't covered, but I just want to roll and imagine
Well, I guess 2d6 to see which tables will I use, ne?
Character One comes from: 2 - Pathetic Table
Character Two comes from: 2 - Pathetic Table
he, this will be pathetic D:
Character one is... *rolls d20* 19
switching to Light and getting... 5, Bozzok!
Second char is... *rolls d20* 7, Horace Greenhilt!
So I get Bozzok <3 Horace, I roll on the Plot Device 6, In the afterlife
Ok, wow
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2009-07-15, 02:18 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Mar 2005
- Location
- Berkeley California
- Gender
Re: Crack Pairings Matchup Table
I just read all of this. If anyone has seen my sanity please PM me.
PS. Its really hard to type in a straitjacket!"Veni, vidi, brutus spearium gloriosus"
I came, I saw, I tore the thick bastards limb from limb.
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2009-07-22, 05:31 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Nov 2008
Re: Crack Pairings Matchup Table
Someone said more plausible pairings would be more disturbing. Well you have only yourselves to blame for what I am now about to do to you.
Besides, I'll finally be able to do het instead of forcing myself to write slash.
Belkar and Jenny
SpoilerJenny lay on her side, breathing heavily. The sheets were ruffled around her, but she was making no effort to cover herself. She was stroking Belkar's chest idly with her right hand, but he seemed unaffected, staring at the ceiling with a wide smile, like a Cheshire cat that's got the canary.
"That was amazing." She breathed.
Belkar gave a certain half shrug. "Well, it passes the time, anyway."
Jenny stared up at him, but he seemed to be thinking. At last he turned to face her, and his smile widened slightly. "Now do you want to know what would be really good?"
"What?" she asked, snuggling slightly closer.
Belkar leaned down, his rough finger tracing a line on her silken cheek, almost tenderly. She let out a slight moan, and pushed towards him as he did so.
"Get Belky something sharp." He breathed huskily.
Xykon and Tsukiko next. (I figure it's the evil people more likely to have bizarre sexual hangups.)Nadir We,
Youth Born,
Blood Letters,
Axe Weilders,
Victors Still.
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2009-07-22, 05:40 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Nov 2006
- Location
- England
Re: Crack Pairings Matchup Table
*hugs Minion for briniging this thread back*
I don't want to know.
...Wait, yes I do! No, not really.
Xykon and Tsukiko next. (I figure it's the evil people more likely to have bizarre sexual hangups.)Last edited by Zanaril; 2009-07-22 at 05:42 PM.
This post may contain sarcasm.
DeviantArt
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2009-07-22, 05:46 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Nov 2008
Re: Crack Pairings Matchup Table
OK then, your avatar, Evil V living in a dream world where it's family are mind controlled to act exactly as it wants.
Nadir We,
Youth Born,
Blood Letters,
Axe Weilders,
Victors Still.
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2009-07-22, 05:53 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Nov 2006
- Location
- England
Re: Crack Pairings Matchup Table
Hmm... people remember what's happened while they were hypnotised/charmed/whatever, right?
This post may contain sarcasm.
DeviantArt
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2009-07-22, 05:59 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Nov 2008
Re: Crack Pairings Matchup Table
Yep. They sure do.
Nadir We,
Youth Born,
Blood Letters,
Axe Weilders,
Victors Still.
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2009-07-22, 09:15 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Mar 2009
- Location
- Louisville, KY
- Gender
Re: Crack Pairings Matchup Table
Ooh, I got a semilogical idea: What if Therkla knew that Elan had a brother?
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2009-07-22, 09:54 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Nov 2008
Re: Crack Pairings Matchup Table
So write it then.
Nadir We,
Youth Born,
Blood Letters,
Axe Weilders,
Victors Still.
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2009-07-22, 10:01 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Mar 2009
- Location
- Louisville, KY
- Gender
Re: Crack Pairings Matchup Table
Gimme time. I have to think of a scenario...
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2009-07-23, 01:41 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Jun 2009
- Gender
Re: Crack Pairings Matchup Table
I still have no idea how to write my roll. Hell, I couldn't even thin of a way to write the more sane of my rolls, let alone the big "about 14 people in an adulterous relationship" thing.
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2009-07-23, 04:35 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Nov 2008
Re: Crack Pairings Matchup Table
OK. Milskidasith, write Eugene and Ydranna. Both of them meet during Eugene's blood oath days, and are doing it to hurt Xykon. Pretty easy. Then write something harder. Work your way up to 14 odd people.
Nadir We,
Youth Born,
Blood Letters,
Axe Weilders,
Victors Still.
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2009-07-23, 05:42 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- May 2009
- Gender
Re: Crack Pairings Matchup Table
The problem is that it might be too ridiculous and unbelievable if there are 14 people gadding about in each other's intimacy. The best crack is the believable crack.
Like, what were Miko and Vaarsuvius doing during the assassins' attack on Roy and Elan in the inn?Formerly known as Discord here and Maladin on avatarspirit.net.
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2009-07-23, 08:14 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Nov 2008
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2009-07-23, 08:28 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Nov 2006
- Location
- England
Re: Crack Pairings Matchup Table
This post may contain sarcasm.
DeviantArt
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2009-07-23, 08:42 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Sep 2007
Re: Crack Pairings Matchup Table
I think we know how to make sabine explode. Tell her to mate with either V or kirie. She'll be so confused as to what to turn into it'll be like one of those old star treks were the robot tries to process illogical data.
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2009-07-23, 08:44 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Sep 2006
- Location
- R'lyeh
- Gender
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2009-07-23, 02:05 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- May 2009
- Gender
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2009-07-23, 03:22 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Nov 2006
- Location
- England
This post may contain sarcasm.
DeviantArt
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2009-07-23, 07:14 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Mar 2009
Re: Crack Pairings Matchup Table
Real, real, REAL quick story.
SpoilerMiko sighed as she walked through the halls of the inn, she couldn't believe what she was doing; she had just met... him? She knew nothing about... him? She didn't even know her gender! And yet here she was, standing at the door. She closed her eyes, and knocked on the door.
"Come in." Miko slowly opened the door, and there he was, his smooth elven skin seemed to be calling to her, his lips begging for hers, the robes... well, the less said there, the better. "Oh, its you."
"H-hello, Vaarsuvius," Miko replied shakily, after having her thoughts ended abruptly.
"I was not aware you knew my name," he snapped back at her, not noticing the slight blush on her face, even though he was glaring at her.
"What would make you think that?"
"I do not learn the names of people I hate that quickly."
"Hate?" Miko said, before giggling. Vaarsuvius was surprised by this, and readied one of the mighty arcane spells he had prepared. "I don't hate you..." Miko said, slowly approaching the elf. "Quite the contrary... I find myself overcome with attraction..." she said, running her finger under the elf's chin. He jumped back, reaching for his Spell Component Pouch. "Please, don't... I only want to be with you..."
"I do not think so, paladin. I am happy with my current spouse, even though we are currently many miles away, and even if I were not, I would sooner be with the halfling than with you."
"Please, Vaarsuvius... I-" Miko was cut off before she could finish, Vaarsuvius pulled a snake's tongue and honeycomb from his component pouch.
"Suggestion." Several thin beams of light shot from the components, to Miko's head. Her pupils diluted, and her irises turned purple. "Leave, now." Miko shuddered slightly, attempting to resist. "If you do not wish to face my more powerful spells, leave." Miko straightened out, and left, closing the door behind her. "I will be charging you 2 copper pieces for those!"
Don't point out that Miko would probably have made the Will save, just enjoy the Suggestion spells.
And I think I did pretty good on this.
She's also a pretty powerful person, she could choose "kill".Last edited by The Dark Fiddler; 2009-07-23 at 07:16 PM.
It's been a bit, GitP. If you're reading this, you're either digging through old stuff, or I've posted for the first time in forever.
If you want to stay in touch, reach out to me on twitter (same username).
The best answer is always to ask your DM.
Unless you're the DM, in which case you should talk to your players.
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2009-07-24, 02:24 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- May 2009
- Location
- California
- Gender
Re: Crack Pairings Matchup Table
I really liked that one. It didn't rely on being over-the-top stupid or gross.
Unlike this one: gender-flipped Tsukiko x Miko x Redcloak
SpoilerTsukiko was pissed. That goblin was going to get his; she was going to make the most badass undead warrior ever. It was going to be free-willed and evil and mean, with cool black and red armor, and it’ll kill him and… she paused. That was a really stupid idea. Her hormones were getting the best of her; she needed release. There were a lot of dead Azurites lying around and she always carried her Girdle of Feminity/Masculinity™ and that guy with a halberd looked pretty good. She put on the GoF/M and cast animate dead. The zombie was going to give him brain.
Ten seconds later, Tsukiko realized that that was a really bad idea. He staggered away from the hungry zombie. It was temporarily appeased by her meat, but Tsukiko was already feeling woozy. He wasn’t thinking clearly when she cast create undead on the paladin, but it was better than waiting for the zombie to finish him off.
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Miko awoke. There was a man next to her who seemed to be bleeding to death. For some reason she felt an overwhelming desire to help him; she began dragging him away from the zombie then she laid her hands upon him. She couldn’t wait to lay her hands upon him in a different way.
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When Tsukiko woke up, his crotch wasn’t bleeding. Tsukiko looked around. He was in the middle of a plain and next to him was the paladin he’d turned into a wight. She was smiling broadly, “Hello master,” she said.
“Hello,” Tsukiko replied. He hadn’t really noticed before, but the paladin was hot. “Do you want to have sex?” Tsukiko asked.
“I thought you’d never ask,” the paladin replied.
Tsukiko pulled off his skirt. Then he remembered, “Ummm, my penis kind of got bitten off.” The paladin pouted. Tsukiko couldn’t stand to see her new friend pout. “But I do have this rod of enlarging,” she said. The paladin smiled.
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“I’m the queen bee and I’m giving you my honey!” Tsukiko panted. Miko thought that was really hot.
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The next morning, Tsukiko cast regenerate upon himself. He couldn’t wait to try out his new trouser titan, but first there was business. He called the paladin over. He had already carried out half of his plan, he might as well bring it to fruition. “Whack Redcloak,” he said.
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Miko wasn’t sure why her new master wanted her to seduce Redcloak, but it wasn’t her job to question orders. She’d done that once and all it had gotten her was ex-paladin status.
She was going to whack Redcloak.
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Redcloak pretty proud of himself. He hadn’t taken the gate, but at least he’d finally wiped out the Sapphire Guard. How could this day get any better? His door fell down and in walked Miko Miyazaki, ex-paladin of the Sapphire Guard. Redcloak grabbed his phylactery. But he noticed something; her face was pale and her eyes were red. And her armor was red and black.
“I’m here to have sex with you, Mr. Redcloak,” she said. Redcloak smiled.
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When Tsukiko entered Redcloaks chamber, she expected to see either Redcloak or the paladin dead. What she hadn’t expected to find was Redcloak lying next to Miko with a cigarette in his hands. “WTF? Rebuke undead!” she shouted. Miko began cowering in the corner.
“Wait!” Redcloak shouted, “I think there’s a mutually beneficial solution.”
“What?”
“Threesome.”
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Miko and Tsukiko and Redcloak then had a threesome. And then Xykon joined. Then the Monster in the Darkness joined too. It was hott.
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2009-07-24, 05:19 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Nov 2006
- Location
- England
Re: Crack Pairings Matchup Table
Scarily plausable.
This post may contain sarcasm.
DeviantArt
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2009-07-25, 03:43 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Mar 2009
- Gender
Re: Crack Pairings Matchup Table
Bozzok and Shadowdancer. Try that.
Or Celia and Vaarsuvius. Got those two too. ;)
EDIT: Tried it again. VaarsuviusxZzz'ditri (are we sure it's spelled that way?). I dare someone to do this. I totally dare someone to do this.
And if you want to look at some odd pairings, look here: http://www.fanfiction.net/comic/Orde...1/0/0/0/0/0/1/
A scary part is that some of them are pulled off realistically.Last edited by Zen_Heart; 2009-07-25 at 11:12 PM.
SpoilerNothing is ever inhuman for, no matter how heinous the crime, one can always find a human willing to commit it. ~Unknown
SpoilerI'm a Neutral Good Human Druid (1st Level)
Ability Scores:
Strength- 12
Dexterity- 13
Constitution- 13
Intelligence- 14
Wisdom- 11
Charisma- 11
Look here to see what D&D character you are!
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2009-07-26, 11:52 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Jul 2009
- Location
- In a box