The. Worst. Joke. EVER. You have been warned.

[Castaras]

*reads through thread*

I didn't deserve this kind of pun-ishment.

[Maryring]

I am ashamed to say I came up with this myself.

OK, Frosty the Snowman is being hunted by Arnold Schwarzenegger, who is playing the Terminator and Dr. Freeze at the same time.

While Frosty runs for his life, Arnold draws upon a freeze gun and fires, striking Frosty in the back. As Frosty slowly turns, he finds himself hardening as his snow is turned to ice.

Grinning, Arnold produces a pistol and prepares to shatter Frosty into a million pieces. He then utters this phrase:

"Frosta la vista, baby."


…excuse me while I go hide under a chair.

I see. Frankly, judging from the cold reception this joke got, I think you've given it enough exposure. It's clearly out of its element. I'm sorry if I seem frigid, but I'm not intentionally cold. I'm just telling you that it seems like you're on thin ice. I really hope I haven't shattered your confidence. Critique can be such a slippery slope after all. But if you do agree that this joke is a little stiff, then let me know. I'll be back.

To help that is.

[Emperordaniel]

I see. Frankly, judging from the cold reception this joke got, I think you've given it enough exposure. It's clearly out of its element. I'm sorry if I seem frigid, but I'm not intentionally cold. I'm just telling you that it seems like you're on thin ice. I really hope I haven't shattered your confidence. Critique can be such a slippery slope after all. But if you do agree that this joke is a little stiff, then let me know. I'll be back.

To help that is.

That was rather chilly.

[Traab]

That was rather chilly.

I thought it was cool.

[Maryring]

I was worried people would think it's not so hot.

[Mystic Muse]

I don't get that one... is there some wordplay on "spare brick" that I'm missing?

Ooh! I remembered one of my own terrible jokes:

Why did the chicken cross the road?

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Why do chickens do anything?

No one has ever laughed at that. Not even little kids.

I kinda laughed at it, honestly.

[Ravens_cry]

I got the question for this from Mad magazine, but I made up the answer.
What do you call five lawyers in a hot tub?

Spoiler: Answer

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Soup!

[Razanir]

Spoiler: Don't peek until after you've read the punchline

Show

Once there was a man who wanted to build a house. But being a bit eccentric, he wanted to use exactly 99 bricks. Unfortunately, the hardware store only sold them in groups of 100. He argued back and forth with a salesperson, because the store would not sell less than the full 100 bricks. Eventually, the man gave in and bought 100 bricks. He then went outside and threw the spare brick into the sky.

Two ladies were flying on a plane. One had a dog and the other was smoking. The smoke from the cigarette made the dog start coughing, so its owner asked the other woman to stop. But instead of being reasonable and just not smoking on the flight, she demanded the dog's owner shut the dog up instead. This went back and forth for a while, until they agreed to just open the window and throw both the dog and the cigarette out of the plane. Of course, the dog's owner was smart and held onto the leash. So she pulled her dog back in, but the dog was holding something in its mouth. Guess what the dog was holding?

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A brick!

[Maryring]

For that, you get a

[Tvtyrant]

A man decides to go to a carnival and invites his best friend. They have a great time and leave around midnight. The next day the cops come by and ask the man if he had been to the carnival the day before. He agrees that he has, and the police ask him to come down to the police station. He is informed that several of the carnival workers had gone missing the night before, and their devoured remains had been found that morning. Quick to protect himself the man informs them that he while he had gone, he had an alibi because he had invited his best friend. The police look aghast at this, and ask him why he would bring his best friend to a carnival. Puzzled, the man asks why this is a big deal.

"Son, don't you know that dogs are carnievores?"

Don't hate me.

[Neli42]

Not one of these again. Last time we had one of these threads, I posted ten different puns hoping at least one would win the thread. But no pun in ten did.

Ooh! Someone else is a Spider Robinson fan!

[Antonok]

Q: How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

Spoiler: A:

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None. It's a hardware problem.

A rope walk into bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says, "We don't serve your kind here."
So the rope, upset but not beaten walks into the bathroom, ties himself into a knot and frays his ends. He then walks back up to the bartender and asks for a drink.
The bartender asks curiously, "Didn't I just see you here?" To which the rope replies, "Nope, I'm afraid not."

[Dire Moose]

Some jumper cables walk into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

Two satellite dishes got married. The ceremony wasn't all that great, but the reception was amazing.

A hamburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food here."

[Razanir]

What do you call a psychic dwarf who just escaped from prison?

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A small medium at large

[Ravens_cry]

This just tickles something inside my brain.
***
How many Lojban users does it take to change a broken lightbulb?

Spoiler: Answer

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One to figure out what to change it to and one to figure out what kind of bulb emits broken light.

[KerfuffleMach2]

Here's one I read in a newspaper at my grandpa's house many years ago.

Two guys were sitting at a bar towards the top of the Empire State Building. They had been there a while, and were a couple drinks past tipsy.

The first guy looks at the second and says, "Hey! Did you know, that if you jumped out this window, by the time you reached the tenth floor, the winds would be so intense, they'd just push ya right back in!?"

The second guy just shakes his head. "Uh-uh. Bullcrap."

So, the first guy smiles and shrugs. "Alright, I'll prove it to ya." He gets up, walks to the window, opens it, and dives right out. The second guy rushes over and watches him fall. And right when he gets to the tenth floor, he disappears.

A couple minutes later, the first guy step out of the elevator with a huge grin. The second guy stares at him in bewilderment. "I saw it...but...I don't belive it..."

The first guy shrugs, and dives out the window a second time. And sure enough, at the tenth floor, he disappears again.

When he returned, the second guy grinned this time. "Well, hell, if you can do it, so can I!" And then he dived out the window. He sailed down the length of the building, past the tenth floor, and hit the street.

At this point, the bartender looks at the first guy and says, "Ya know, Superman, you can be a real ******* when you're drunk."

[Krade]

Did you hear about the guy who got cooled to absolute zero?

He's OK now.

[enderlord99]

How many wrong punchlines does it take to screw in a lightbulb? To get to the other side.

[BannedInSchool]

This just tickles something inside my brain.
***
How many Lojban users does it take to change a broken lightbulb?

Spoiler: Answer

Show

One to figure out what to change it to and one to figure out what kind of bulb emits broken light.

No, it's at least one to argue if you're committing malglico (being incorrectly English-like), one to say just use a fu'ivla (borrowed word) rather than create a new word nobody will know the meaning of, and one to argue that this is why part of the language definition is broken and to propose a change.

[Shadow of the Sun]

Okay, so a bunch of pioneers are making a trip through the American frontier; it's been a while, and the wagon is perilously low on supplies. They don't know what they're going to do- soon they'll have to turn back, but they want to punch through.

They're discussing this for a while, and finally they see a figure in the distance, sitting down at the base of a hill. They decide that hey, if he's around, maybe there's some supplies. He can't be living out her alone, right? So they take the wagon up to him.

To their surprise, it's a rabbi, pondering over a copy of the Torah. He's a little surprised when he sees the people, but he's quite friendly. After a bit of talk, they ask him if he has any food that they could have so they could continue their journey. The rabbi shakes his head.

"No, I am sorry, I do not. However, I have heard that on the other side of this hill, there is a bacon tree, which could fix your problem."

The pioneers are like, man, bacon tree- that's just what we need. It won't hold in the wagon that long, but they can gorge and then survive on short rations for the rest of the trip. They thank the rabbi for his help, and begin to move the wagon over the hill.

Within a minute of them getting to the other side of the hill, a bunch of Apache chargers come out of nowhere, and are on them, attacking them, trying to hurt them and steal their goods. One or two of the pioneers is wounded, but being lucky, they manage to run away back over the hill, albeit with their wagon forfeited to the Apaches.

They return to the rabbi, and angrily ask him what the hell was he doing? There wasn't a bacon-tree! There were just Apaches, who stole their wagon and completely ruined their attempt to make it across and found a new town.

The rabbi looks pensive for a moment, and puts down his scroll of the Torah, reaching into a bag at his side, opening it, reading for a minute or two. He puts it back into his bag, and turns to the pioneers, and says with great sorrow in his voice.

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"Ah! I am very sorry! My English is not very good; I meant a ham-bush."

[Traab]

Ok, here we go, worst joke EVER!

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You really dont want to know. Trust me, you really really dont.

The Aristocrats!

[Duck999]

The Aristocrats.

Ok, here we go, worst joke EVER!

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You really dont want to know. Trust me, you really really dont.

The Aristocrats!

You are late to the party.

I just want to point out that some jokes in this thread are more cheesy than bad jokes.

[AtlanteanTroll]

Ooh! Ooh! Pick me!

A guy walks into a bar! He dies from the concussive impact.

In a similar vein.

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A seal walks in to a club...

EDIT: Better bad joke I forgot.

A large group of international businessmen walk in to a swanky bar after a casual meeting. There's an American, a Russian, an Italian, a Swede, a German, an Egyptian, a South African, a Nigerian, a Mexican, a Brazilian, an Argentinian, an Australian, a Canadian, a Korean, and a Cambodian.

Despite having made reservations for their rather large party, the waiter refuses to seat them. When pressured, he responds.

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(No suit, no Thai, no service.)

[Jeff the Green]

My playlist of sad songs is entitled "Cantaloupe Dog".

[Killer Angel]

(again about walking into a bar, and this needs a translation)

A man walks into a café. Splash.

(in Italy we use the same word, "caffè", for Café and Coffee)

[Excession]

What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

[Almarck]

I am ashamed to say I came up with this myself.

OK, Frosty the Snowman is being hunted by Arnold Schwarzenegger, who is playing the Terminator and Dr. Freeze at the same time.

While Frosty runs for his life, Arnold draws upon a freeze gun and fires, striking Frosty in the back. As Frosty slowly turns, he finds himself hardening as his snow is turned to ice.

Grinning, Arnold produces a pistol and prepares to shatter Frosty into a million pieces. He then utters this phrase:

"Frosta la vista, baby."


…excuse me while I go hide under a chair.

Okay, the Frosty the Snowman bit was definitely all on you, but... was the Mister Freezinator bit the result of my bad influence?

I mean, I basically was the guy who tried to get around the "Arnie cannot play an ice villian" clause for that thread we're both in in the most hilarious way possible.

[Callin]

Anyone else have this episode go through their minds reading this thread?

[Duck999]

What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

OCD pain. It hurts to see an unanswered joke.

[Amaril]

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A bar walks into a man.

The bar says "wait, I think we're doing this backward".

The man says nothing, because he is now a red stain smeared across the pavement.

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi walk into the bar, but nothing they say or do will ever make this right.

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What do you get if you cross a dyslexic, an insomniac, and an unwilling agnostic?

A person who stays up all night mentally torturing themselves over the question of whether or not there is a dog.