D&D Jokes

[Sir_Elderberry]

A bit of background, GiTP: My group has started a new campaign, and the Bard is playing as a comedian. He even gathered together a list of ten-ish jokes to tell at the table, all of them falling into the So Bad It's Good category. (What do you call a party of bards in full-plate? A heavy metal band.) There's nothing wrong with this, it's part of the fun. My request to you, dear fora, is to help expand his repertoire. The jokes don't necessarily have to be "D&D jokes", anything in a fantasy-medieval kind of context works very well.

So, any comedic genius out there?

[The Necroswanso]

How many Barbarians does it take to screw in a light bulb? 4. 3 to figure out what the heck a light bulb does, and 1 to spend a rank to get it done.

(Lame)

[CompositeSanta]

Yo' momma so fat, under size category it just says "DAYUM!"
Yo' momma so fat, she got stuck in her dimension door!

[Azerian Kelimon]

Are "Do it" jokes allowed? As in, for example, "Fighters do it in many different styles"?

Also, is the classic BA-DUM-CHA! allowed?

[Sir_Elderberry]

Are "Do it" jokes allowed? As in, for example, "Fighters do it in many different styles"?

Also, is the classic BA-DUM-CHA! allowed?

Yeah. Go crazy, like I said, this is for variety.

[Zocelot]

How many Paladins does it take to change a lightbulb?
2. One to put in the new bulb, and another to "uphold the light"

[Azerian Kelimon]

Yeah. Go crazy, like I said, this is for variety.

"Why are monks the best whores?

Flurry of Blows (Alternatively, Tongue of the Sun and Moon). 'Nuff said."

"I was thinking of playing a Kobold Psion..."

*If everyone's not laughing hysterically with that one, he's doing it wrong.*

[Ned the undead]

Rouges do it from behind.
Necromancers do it with the dead.
Barbarians do it better when they're angry.
Clereics pray so they can do it.
Rangers do it with two hands.
Fighters do it hard and sometimes with chains.
Druids do it with animals.
Bards do it with music.
Wizards read books to do it.
Sorcerors do it spontaneously.
Illusionists pretend to do it.
Enchanters convince you to do it.
Psions do it with their minds.
Monks do it with out wearing a thing.
Mindflayers do it with tentacles.
Shadowdancers do it in the dark.

And my personal favorite.
Incarnum user don't do it 'cause no one uses Incarnum.

[Crow T. Robot]

Most of mine are inside jokes.

"Quick, seduce him!"

This was from a game long ago where we were issued PCs by the GM. The only woman of the group was also the only one with a social skill. This was compounded by the face she was rather shy.

I have another one but it is kinda grim and rather offensive.

[Lady Tialait]

Yeah, mine are inside jokes too....and not really funny....like

"but, we're learning."

In my last campaign the party decided they were going to kill Vecna...at like level 10...my powerful NPC wizard showed up and told them "You can't kill a god!" and the paladin leaned forward and said "But, we're learning" about three second of silence....then we all fell over and started laughing. It was great...we were drunk...it caught on...

[sonofzeal]

Rouges do it from behind.
Necromancers do it with the dead.
Barbarians do it better when they're angry.
Clereics pray so they can do it.
Rangers do it with two hands.
Fighters do it hard and sometimes with chains.
Druids do it with animals.
Bards do it with music.
Wizards read books to do it.
Sorcerors do it spontaneously.
Illusionists pretend to do it.
Enchanters convince you to do it.
Psions do it with their minds.
Monks do it with out wearing a thing.
Mindflayers do it with tentacles.
Shadowdancers do it in the dark.

And my personal favorite.
Incarnum user don't do it 'cause no one uses Incarnum.

May I submit....

Wilders do it euphorically
Psions do it with vigor
Egoists do it at a hustle
Kineticists do it energetically
Nomads do it in bursts
Seers know when you're doing it
Shapers do it biblically ("Genesis"! Get it? )
Telepaths do it mind-to-mind
Totemists do it anamistically
Incarnates do it flexibly
Soulborns... don't do it.
Warlocks do it all day long

[Don Beegles]

Warmages do it explosively
Wu Jen do it exotically
Scouts do it on the move
Paladins do it for the greater glory of God
Spirit Shamans do it naturally

[Lady Tialait]

Spearmen have long ones.
Rouges have short ones.
Wizards don't need one.
Clerics have blunt ones.
Barbarians usually have big ones.
Sorcerers have natural ones.
Monks have well trained ones.


A variation...

[Chronicled]

Factotums do it with inspiration
Crusaders do it randomly
Swordsages do it once and forget how
Warblades do it better than Fighters
Beguilers do it with a surprise
Knights challenge you to do it
Duskblades do it through their weapon

[DrowVampyre]

Warblades do it better than Fighters

With a roar of effort. (Iron Heart Surge )

[Biotroll]

Bit old, but still:

"What is the difference between orc beldam and elf maiden? About fifty years."

[Bayar]

I might get smited for this one, but whatever:

What do you call a shepherd? A level 6 commoner with Leadersheep.

*covers*

[MorkaisChosen]

"I approach and enter tha barman."

OK, not as much of a joke as an in-joke...

Also, "Archivists learn to do it in dungeons."

"Chameleons do it like everyone else."

"Diviners watch you doing it."

[TheCountAlucard]

An orc, an elf, and a dwarf find themselves being granted wishes by an Efreeti.

The orc says, "We orcs need to return to power. I wish all the orcs and half-orcs were returned to their ancient lands." The Efreeti nods his head, and the orc vanishes.

The elf says, "The elves need to get back to their roots. I wish all the elves and half-elves were returned to their ancestral home." The Efreeti nods his head, and the elf vanishes.

The dwarf looks around. "Let me get this straight," the dwarf says, "the orc wished for all the orcs to be gone, and the elf wished for all the elves to be gone?" The Efreeti nods. "Very well, then," said the dwarf, "I'll have an ale."

[Tallis]

An orc, an elf, and a dwarf find themselves being granted wishes by an Efreeti.

The orc says, "We orcs need to return to power. I wish all the orcs and half-orcs were returned to their ancient lands." The Efreeti nods his head, and the orc vanishes.

The elf says, "The elves need to get back to their roots. I wish all the elves and half-elves were returned to their ancestral home." The Efreeti nods his head, and the elf vanishes.

The dwarf looks around. "Let me get this straight," the dwarf says, "the orc wished for all the orcs to be gone, and the elf wished for all the elves to be gone?" The Efreeti nods. "Very well, then," said the dwarf, "I'll have an ale."

ROFL
best one yet.

I on the other hand just woke up and can't think of anything the least bit funny. Actually your bard could quote that for early morning encounters...or mid-afternoon encounters depending on the bardic lifestyle.

[Serpentine]

Rogues do it from behind.

...or with someone on the other side.
You got most of the rest of mine, or near enough, although...

Sorcerors do it explosively.
Wizards do it... theoretically.
Rangers do it two-handed, or from a distance.
Monks do it with their bare hands.
Fighters do it powerfully.
Knights do it well-protected.
Rogues do it without you noticing.

...Had more. Forget.

Oh, there's that old classic:

A human, an elf and a half-orc walk into a bar. The dwarf* goes straight under.

OR (made up just now by yours truly):

A fighter, a wizard and a cleric walk into a bar. The rogue makes his reflex save.

*/gnome/halfling

[Duke of URL]

An ogre, giant, and troll walk into a bar... but the kobold was able to duck under it.

[Tallis]

Why did the halfling cross the road?
To steal the chicken.

I once knew a fighter who beat a wizard in a fair fight..

[Lady Tialait]

How do you get a one armed goblin out of a tree?

Wave to him.

[TheCountAlucard]

A gnome and a half-orc find themselves being granted three wishes each by a pair of Efreet.

The half-orc smirks and says, "I wish that I was the leader of my tribe, and that the orcs and half-orcs of my tribe were beautiful women." The first Efreeti nods and grants his wish. The gnome says, "I wish for a riding-dog." The second Efreeti nods and grants his wish.

"Why are you wishing for a riding-dog?" the half-orc asks the gnome. "There's no limit to what you can wish for!" He thinks for a second, then turns to the first Efreeti and says, "I wasn't thinking big enough last time. I wish that all the orcs and half-orcs on the continent were beautiful women." The first Efreeti nods and grants his wish. The gnome says, "I wish for a saddle for my riding-dog." The second Efreeti nods and grants his wish.

The half-orc watches the gnome put the saddle on the riding-dog, an incredulous look on the half-orc's face. "You're wasting your wishes by thinking too small, fool! See?" He turns to the first Efreeti and says, "I wish that all the orcs and half-orcs in the world were beautiful women!" The first Efreeti nods and grants his wish.

The gnome smirks and shakes his head slowly. He climb into the saddle, and as he leaves, he says, "I wish the half-orc was gay."

[ShaneLeahy]

An old one but still one of my favorites.

Why do elves have pointy ears?

There has to be some point to them.

[Headless_Ninja]

A wizard, a bard and a barbarian are out adventuring when they come across a mystical portal. The portal's wizened guardian tells them that to pass, they must state one true thing, or be lost forever. The wizard steps forward and says 'I think that I am the smartest' and passes. The bard steps forwards and says 'I think that I am the most talented' and also passes. The bar barian steps forward. 'Me think -' and is suddenly swept into the portal.

An elf and a dwarf come across a drow in the woods while adventuring. Preparing to attack, they are shocked to find an Efreeti which offers the three each one wish. The dwarf asks for his home hold to be filled with the best defensive weaponry possible. Not to be outdone, the elf asks for his home city to be surrounded by a huge, impenetrable wall, with no crack, crevice or even gate to fully ensure his people's safety. When it comes th the drow's turn, he thinks for a minute.
'How high is this wall?' he asks.
'About 30 feet' replies the Efreeti.
'And it's completely impenetrable?'
'Yes'. Again, the Drow thinks, before finally opening his mouth to declare his wish.
'Fill it with water'

[Chronos]

Some variants of my favorite genre:

How many dwarves does it take to change a light bulb?
Five. One to hold the bulb, four to drink 'till the room spins.

How many high elves does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one. He holds the bulb, and the universe revolves around him.

How many wizards does it take to change a light bulb?
That depends. Change it into what?

How many clerics does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one; he casts Cure Light.

How many barbarians does it take to change a light bulb?
A barbarian warrior is not afraid of the dark!

How many rogues does it take to change a light bulb?
How much is it worth to you?

How many slaadi does it take to change a light bulb?
Bananas implicate syzygy.

How many modrons does it take to change a light bulb?
One.

[PnP Fan]

Binders do it with extradimensional beings.

[RandomLunatic]

Lowering the Bar

A wizard, a fighter, and a manticore walk into a bar. The barkeep takes one look at them and says "What is this, some kind of a joke?"

A cleric, a half-orc, and a rogue walk into a bar. You think one of them woul have seen it coming. (Alternately-'You think one of them would have made their spot check')

Q. Why are there no dwarven lawyers?
A. They cannot pass the bar.

A very angry-looking knight stroms into the bar with his sword in hand. "I'm looking for the no-good scum who painted my horse green!" he declares, "Stand up and show yourself, you knave!" At this, the biggest, ugliest, meanest-looking half-ogre you have ever seen stands up and says, "Yeah, dat's me. Whaddaya want?" The knight gulps and says "I, uh, wanted to let you know I think it's time for a second coat."

A rogue walks into a bar and says "Ow."

A werebear walks into a bar and says "I'd like a beer.......and some nuts." The barkeep says "Hey buddy, why the large pause?

Knock-outs

Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Turner.
Turner who?
Turner around, I'm comin' to get you!

Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Interrupting zombie.
Interrupting zom-
BBRRAAAAIIINSSS!

Thank you. I will be here all week.