GITP Monster Competition Chat Thread III

[Debihuman]

You say it would be too weak to be a real challange, how should I increase the stats so that it is more of a challange, but not something unfair.

Also the reason it cannot grapple, is that it has no physical means to do so, as the body is a mirror that the creature possesses and reshapes into a monolith form.

Let's start with your text because a lot of the monster's weakness begin with what it can't or doesn't do.

1. Your Reflector is randomly roaming about the prime material plane but it has no apparent reason to do so. Why would it leave the plane of mirrors? What will happen if a party encounters one? From your text, not much ocurrs. It doesn't have any treasure that the party would want to take from it and it can't give them any information.

2. "The Reflector of Infinity will never attack first, and generally ignores other living creatures. Lacking any real means of attack, it is reliant on its special abilities for survival. It cannot grapple."

If it isn't interested in the party, then it isn't a useful monster to DM. Mostly this is makes for a boring encounter. The party may be curious about the creature but they won't have a reason to attack it. It's a mirror-like monolith. If they annoy it by touching it, it will probably fly away or move away. Thus ends the encounter.

3. You are still missing manuverabilty for the Fly speed. You are also missing the 2nd feat it should have.

4. What spell resistance does it have? It's only got 4 hit dice so giving a high SR isn't appropriate. A 4 hit dice monster shouldn't have abilities of a 9 HD monster and vice versa.

5. Part of good monster design is balancing it's powers with its vulerabilities. It is made of glass -- can it be shattered? Can it be harmed by sonic attacks?

7. Let's look at it's stats: Str 6, Dex 15, Con 5, Int 15, Wis 6, Cha 1

Why bother with an Int of 15 if it cannot speak or understand any language?. For that it should have Int 6 and Wis 15. Int 15 generally gives it 2 bonus languages.

It has a Con of 5 and Str of 6 making this an easy target for physical attacks. The higher the CR, the easier it will be for the party to defeat this. It doesn't get the bonus hit dice of a construct and it doesn't have any defensive abilities.

Mental Overload is nasty -- 3 days in a vegetative state because of a failed Fort save even at DC 14. 3 days? Are you kidding me? That is beyond punishment. Can this be healed by magic means? 3 days wastes a lot of time for a 4 HD monster. I could see someone being Sickenened for 1d4 hours at best.

Counter Warp is confusing. I think that you mean "anyone in a 45-foot radius must make a Will Save (DC 12) or be teleported to the plane of mirrors." Saves are always ability bases so you should indicate which ability is the one used. Most will make the save but in case they don't, you are leaving some of the party stranded. At 4th level, most PCs don't have means of planar transport. This is an ability that should be left to creatures with higher CR ratings.

Debby

[Bhu]

Dammit. The new job is working me 7 days a week and i cant catch a break. Ill have to wait till next month

[Owrtho]

Well, haven't dome much in the way of stats or abilities, but I got up the basic fluff of my entry. My biggest issue though is that I can't think of much by way of negative effects to grant it. Outside stealing control of the character that is. Also not quite sure about what CR would be.

Owrtho

[TheAmishPirate]

Alright, the Mirror Dragon is up. Better name likely pending.

PEACH at will, and do not be concerned with hurting my feelings. This is honestly my first serious homebrew and I'd like any feedback. If there's any bit that need clarification, just ask. I wrote this when I found out the contest ends this week and not next week, so I fully expect that not everything made it from my head to the post.

[TheLogman]

Alright, the Mirror Dragon is up. Better name likely pending.

PEACH at will, and do not be concerned with hurting my feelings. This is honestly my first serious homebrew and I'd like any feedback. If there's any bit that need clarification, just ask. I wrote this when I found out the contest ends this week and not next week, so I fully expect that not everything made it from my head to the post.

Seems like it should be LN, but that's just me. Something about their obsession with knowledge, always honoring deals, and having something of a code suggested Law to me.

What are the rules on Legend Lore? It doesn't appear anywhere else in the stat block, how often can he cast it?

Why are the Mirror Dragons so against teaching others anything? It seems like they would be more likely to reflect what they have learned, like a mirror than jealously guard what they know.

What was your motivation behind giving them the Trickery Domain? Did you just want them to have more ways of hiding and such?

Where are their feats? I would imagine that Mirror Dragons would take different feats than other dragons, given they are less combat oriented. I know that the standard entries for dragons just has a blanket suggestion for feats, but as a DM, it's annoying to have to build my dragon from the ground up, so feat suggestions or even assignments for the various HD's would be helpful if you could provide it.

What kind of constructs do they commonly use? It would help if I was designing an encounter to know what kind of constructs to pick to assist in battle.

(Many of my questions serve the purposes of both helping to flesh out your monster (hopefully!) as well as helping me to understand it better. Understand the feeling of it and such. This is mostly because I like to use things from these contests in my games, and it helps when I have more information.)

[TheAmishPirate]

Spoiler

Show

Seems like it should be LN, but that's just me. Something about their obsession with knowledge, always honoring deals, and having something of a code suggested Law to me.

I gave them neutral on the law-chaos alignment because they would be willing to take more chaotic means of obtaining new books and such. I'll give it some more thought, you make a strong case for LN.

What are the rules on Legend Lore? It doesn't appear anywhere else in the stat block, how often can he cast it?

That was an error. It's supposed to be Greater Arcane Sight.

Why are the Mirror Dragons so against teaching others anything? It seems like they would be more likely to reflect what they have learned, like a mirror than jealously guard what they know.

What was your motivation behind giving them the Trickery Domain? Did you just want them to have more ways of hiding and such?

For the first question, they treat their knowledge as if it was their treasure horde. That's the in-universe reason for not sharing.

Design-wise, I had three properties of mirrors that I wanted to incorporate:

1) Mirrors instantly reflect anything given to them. This was made into the Mirror Dragon's photographic memory.

2) Smoke and Mirrors. This came through with the breath weapon and Trickery Domain.

3) Mirrors reflect what is given to them. This explains both the deal-making and the information hoarding. A mirror only reflects when it is given something to reflect. In a similar way, Mirror Dragons only give information when given information. It's a bit of a stretch, but that's how I thought of it.

Where are their feats? I would imagine that Mirror Dragons would take different feats than other dragons, given they are less combat oriented. I know that the standard entries for dragons just has a blanket suggestion for feats, but as a DM, it's annoying to have to build my dragon from the ground up, so feat suggestions or even assignments for the various HD's would be helpful if you could provide it.

I'll put those up later today. Good catch.

What kind of constructs do they commonly use? It would help if I was designing an encounter to know what kind of constructs to pick to assist in battle.

I'm still a little new to D&D, so I don't know constructs too well. That being said, after looking through the SRD, it looks like they would use basic golems, or anything with a decent amount of Dexterity that was Medium sized. They use these constructs for things like holding books for them (books aren't often made for dragon-size), tending to their lairs while they're out, and general housekeeping. They're made for utility, not combat.

Thanks for the feedback!

[Schylerwalker]

Ahh, feels good to stretch the homebrew muscles again. Been awhile since I've made a post on the Homebrew Forums, this contest in particular. Feel free to PEACH away! And, I must say, it looks like we have some interesting monsters for the competition so far.

[The Vorpal Tribble]

Hey Debi, next contest I'll make mention that we reserve the right to critique. Been so busy barely had time to read anything here yet.

[BisectedBrioche]

Hmm, it's been a while. Does it end on the 21st or at the end of the 21st (i.e. midnight tonight or tommorow night)?

[The Dark Fiddler]

Question about Girl in the Mirror: I thought entries based off of things from an existing series weren't allowed, such as when whoever it was tried making Kirby and Hyooz almost got disqualified for Slender Man? Or am I missing something/mistaken?

Edit: Or is Girl in the Mirror far enough divorced from the concept as presented in Doctor Who to not be breaking the rule?

[The Vorpal Tribble]

Question about Girl in the Mirror: I thought entries based off of things from an existing series weren't allowed, such as when whoever it was tried making Kirby and Hyooz almost got disqualified for Slender Man? Or was I mistaken?

Where do you find Girl In the Mirror?

Edit: Hmm, I've never watched Dr. Who. I've no clue.

[The Dark Fiddler]

Actually, I'd like to retract my question. Seems I was mixing up recognizing the picture and recognizing the creature.

Sorry, Demons_eye and VT.

[nanobot_swarm]

Where do you find Girl In the Mirror?

Edit: Hmm, I've never watched Dr. Who. I've no clue.

It was in the two parter about The Family of Blood, which were creatures that wanted to live forever, and the Doctor would not allow it. The Doctor eventually grants their wish, but as a punishment, the girl was the daughter of the family, and he trapped her in a mirror, every mirror.

[Schylerwalker]

Woohoo, I won!! My first victory, and it seems I had a pretty solid lead, too! I wonder what I'm going to do for the next contest...aside from dance happily...

[The Vorpal Tribble]

Well, just posted new competition, so guess you get to figure it out now. These competitions seem to be lacking in participation of late, so please show your support with a banner in your sig! Can find them on the first page of the contest.

[Stycotl]

Well, just posted new competition, so guess you get to figure it out now. These competitions seem to be lacking in participation of late, so please show your support with a banner in your sig! Can find them on the first page of the contest.

i'll rock the banner!

i might even finish a creature in time for this contest (i have three unfinished creatures that never made it in time for some of the previous contests...).

[The Vorpal Tribble]

Oh, Debi, went and added the critiquing comment

i'll rock the banner!

i might even finish a creature in time for this contest (i have three unfinished creatures that never made it in time for some of the previous contests...).

Good deal

[unosarta]

The Xsoaetsziq has been posted. Sorry for the long and almost incomprehensible name. It is basically pronounced (Ksuaet-szich). Any critiquing would be greatly appreciated.

Also, the reason, if anyone should ask, for them not being lawful is that, they don't follow rules necessarily; they are considered just one mind. They do not necessarily follow the orders of their Queen, but think of her thoughts as their own. As they become more powerful, they start to take on their own thoughts (only slightly, but a lot more than the Workers, or the Water-Bearers).

And the Xsoaetsziq is for the GiantITP Worldbuilding Project, as a possible race (or at least, possible fluff. The fluff for the insectoids hasn't really been nailed down yet, but they seemed to fit the contest).

Also, I understand if the CR's are off, I am not that great at calculating CR.

[Edit]: Also; any ideas for feats for the Queen?

[Debihuman]

I'll attempt to critique the xsoaetsziq. First, any monster whose name is difficult to pronounce gets demerits from me. This is a contest so everything and anything that you can do to make sure your creation shines is a benefit.

I applaud your effort in making several kinds of xsoaetsziqs but this makes it harder to judge.

Attacks are melee, ranged or touch. I assume that the claws are melee attacks but you should state that in every entry.

Now let's get to the meat of this thing starting with the workers. These have no intelligence. Do they have hivemind? Normally, creatures with no intelligence have no skills and no feats.

The workers are blind but have darkvision? This makes no sense. Darkvision isn't Blindsense or Blindsight. You can see if you have darkvision.

Darkvision is the extraordinary ability to see with no light source at all, out to a range specified for the creature. Darkvision is black and white only (colors cannot be discerned). It does not allow characters to see anything that they could not see otherwise—invisible objects are still invisible, and illusions are still visible as what they seem to be. Likewise, darkvision subjects a creature to gaze attacks normally. The presence of light does not spoil darkvision.

Blindsight And Blindsense

Some creatures have blindsight, the extraordinary ability to use a nonvisual sense (or a combination of such senses) to operate effectively without vision. Such sense may include sensitivity to vibrations, acute scent, keen hearing, or echolocation. This ability makes invisibility and concealment (even magical darkness) irrelevant to the creature (though it still can’t see ethereal creatures and must have line of effect to a creature or object to discern that creature or object). This ability operates out to a range specified in the creature description.

The creature usually does not need to make Spot or Listen checks to notice creatures within range of its blindsight ability. Unless noted otherwise, blindsight is continuous, and the creature need do nothing to use it. Some forms of blindsight, however, must be triggered as a free action. If so, this is noted in the creature’s description. If a creature must trigger its blindsight ability, the creature gains the benefits of blindsight only during its turn.

* Blindsight never allows a creature to distinguish color or visual contrast. A creature cannot read with blindsight.
* Blindsight does not subject a creature to gaze attacks (even though darkvision does).
* Blinding attacks do not penalize creatures using blindsight.
* Deafening attacks thwart blindsight if it relies on hearing.
* Blindsight works underwater but not in a vacuum.
* Blindsight negates displacement and blur effects.

Blindsense

Other creatures have blindsense, a lesser ability that lets the creature notice things it cannot see, but without the precision of blindsight. The creature with blindsense usually does not need to make Spot or Listen checks to notice and locate creatures within range of its blindsense ability, provided that it has line of effect to that creature. Any opponent the creature cannot see has total concealment (50% miss chance) against the creature with blindsense, and the blindsensing creature still has the normal miss chance when attacking foes that have concealment. Visibility still affects the movement of a creature with blindsense. A creature with blindsense is still denied its Dexterity bonus to Armor Class against attacks from creatures it cannot see.

Why do you have secondary listed next to the claw attacks? These are their primary and only weapon. Creatures don't use BAB to determine how many natural attacks they get. That is based on how many appendages they can use.

Next the Sighted. I recommend that these have an Int of 1 or 2 as they are a bit more self-directed and follow commands. This will change their skills [they would have 8 skill points to use and don't forget to add the racial bonuses].

You say they can spring for 40 miles an hour. I recommend that they get the Run feat instead of Improved Initiative so they don't lose their Dex bonus while running. You say that they can use their sprint ability once every 4d4 rounds but neglected to say how long they can sprint. This contradicts the text since you say they can run for long periods of time.

Clawed should probably have a Int score since they use group tactics. Int of 7 should suffice. These definitely should have blindsight.

Fanged are too fast to be "slow and lumbering." I recommend that you give them a land speed of 20 ft. for that. From the name, I was expecting a bite attack.

Water bearers don't have any link to water. Why are these described as "scuttling" with a speed of 10 ft.? To scuttle is to "to run with quick, hasty steps; scurry." I think they should have a speed of 30. These are actually the weakest of all and should probably have a CR of 1/2.

Queen. Speed is 0 ft. (immobile) not --. At 15 HD, she should have 6 feats. Creatures also generally gain a Size when they double in HD. Advancement should be 16-30 Gargantuan, 31-45 Colossal.

Should the Lore be based on the queen's HD?

Debby

[unosarta]

Thanks so much for critiquing! I really appreciate it.

I'll attempt to critique the xsoaetsziq. First, any monster whose name is difficult to pronounce gets demerits from me. This is a contest so everything and anything that you can do to make sure your creation shines is a benefit.

Actually, Xsoaetsziq is what they call themselves. They are literally unable to pronounce a Human, Gnome or Sharlaq word that would be made for them. I guess I could mention another word that would be used by others who refer to them, but the name actually has to do with their language.

I applaud your effort in making several kinds of xsoaetsziqs but this makes it harder to judge. I'm restating them along. Also, Attacks are melee, ranged or touch. I assume that the claws are melee attacks but you should state that in every entry.

I'm sorry? I didn't think that just one write up, would be enough to show exactly how different the castes are. OK, I will label the Claw attacks as Melee.

Now let's get to the meat of this thing starting with the workers. These have no intelligence. Do they have hivemind? Normally, creatures with no intelligence have no skills and no feats.

OK. Yeah, I meant to add in a Hivemind clause. Is there a pre-existing precedent for Hiveminds? I am fairly sure swarms have it, but I cannot remember. I guess I will check.

The workers are blind but have darkvision? This makes no sense. Darkvision isn't Blindsense or Blindsight. You can see if you have darkvision.

The thing is, all aberrations get Darkvision, for some reason. I can change it to Blindsense, which is what I meant, but then I assumed that people would assume that the Xsoaetsziq had Darkvision anyway.

Why do you have secondary listed next to the claw attacks? These are their primary and only weapon. Creatures don't use BAB to determine how many natural attacks they get. That is based on how many appendages they can use.

I do? Shoot, that was a mistake.

Next the Sighted. I recommend that these have an Int of 1 or 2 as they are a bit more self-directed and follow commands. This will change their skills [they would have 8 skill points to use and don't forget to add the racial bonuses].

OK, I guess. But, then they no longer have the Hivemind, really. It is less independent thought, and more an actual personality, I guess. Oh, I left the racial bonuses out. I guess I can add them to the skills.

You say they can sprint for 40 miles an hour. I recommend that they get the Run feat instead of Improved Initiative so they don't lose their Dex bonus while running. You say that they can use their sprint ability once every 4d4 rounds but neglected to say how long they can sprint. This contradicts the text since you say they can run for long periods of time.

OK. I think I meant to have it be for 2 rounds.
Also, being able to sprint up to forty miles per hour, and being able to run for long periods of time are not the same. "Run" here, is pertaining to the fact that they can move quickly for long periods of time, and they can. Do you think I should make the "cooldown" shorter?

Clawed should probably have a Int score since they use group tactics. Int of 7 should suffice. These definitely should have blindsight.

OK, I guess. Again, I was talking more about personality, rather than independent thought, and I am fairly sure that you can have mindless creatures that are part of one whole mind, and still able to utilize group tactics. In fact, it stands to reason that they would be even better at it. I suppose I could change it.

Fanged are too fast to be "slow and lumbering." I recommend that you give them a land speed of 20 ft. for that. From the name, I was expecting a bite attack.

OK. Fanged was more just a title, but I guess I could add a bite.

Water bearers don't have any link to water. Why are these described as "scuttling" with a speed of 10 ft.? To scuttle is to "to run with quick, hasty steps; scurry." I think they should have a speed of 30. These are actually the weakest of all and should probably have a CR of 1/2.

The act of bearing water for another has nurturing implications, which is the main deal of the Water-Bearers. Again, not really that important, and it is really just a sort of title. Also, they take full penalties from being blind, so they actually have a base speed of 30, but it is halved, because they do not have enough experience using their bodies in the dark, usually spending most of their time procreating with the Queen, and watching her children.

The CR change seems reasonable.

Queen. Speed is 0 ft. (immobile) not --. At 15 HD, she should have 6 feats.

OK. If you had seen my above post, you would see that I in fact was looking for suggestions for feats for her, since I had no idea.

Should the Lore be based on the queen's HD?

Debby

Yes. She is the head mind, after all. I thought it seemed fair. Plus, the only ones who actually spend any time outside of the Hive are the Sighted and the Fanged, who both avoid dangers, which include any human populaces, which means that information about them would be incredibly hard to find.

Thanks for the critique!

[Edit]: Actually, after reading my wording of the Sighted sprint ability, I do not see the need to have a duration. Honestly, they spend 1 fullround action, and travel at 8*their base land speed. What requires a duration about that?

[Edit2]: All changes have been made, but I realized that none of them can really have intelligence, or else the fluff is contradicted. If they had intelligence, then the ancient races would have been unable to control all of the Xsoaetsziq by controlling their Queen, which is a fairly big part of their fluff. So, unless I can come up with a way around that that actually makes any sense at all, they remain mindless.

[Debihuman]

Thanks so much for critiquing! I really appreciate it.

You're welcome

Actually, Xsoaetsziq is what they call themselves. They are literally unable to pronounce a Human, Gnome or Sharlaq word that would be made for them. I guess I could mention another word that would be used by others who refer to them, but the name actually has to do with their language.

BINGO! How are the PCs going to refer to them? Better yet, what are your players going to call them? Players have inventive ways of corrupting hard to pronounce names. With that spelling, (Ksuaet-szich isn't an improvement) "Suet-Sick" is the probably the closest approximation that I can figure out. I shouldn't need a pronunciation guide to use this creature.

What is Sharlaq? How do xsoaetsziqs communicate with other races in the Underdark? The PCs may still not be able to communicate with these creatures, but overly limiting them to a language that doesn't exist in most campaigns gives the impression that these aren't just homebrew but perhaps they should only be used in your personal campaign.

Part of good monster creation is creating a monster that is easy to fit into a standard campaign. In the Underdark, Undercommon is the most common language. Even if your creature can't speak Undercommon, being able to understand it (even if they have only a rudimentary understanding due to their lack of intelligence) gives them a broader base.

I'm sorry? I didn't think that just one write up, would be enough to show exactly how different the castes are. OK, I will label the Claw attacks as Melee.

1. No need to apologize. It just made the critique a bit longer. 2. The statblock should be complete.

OK. Yeah, I meant to add in a Hivemind clause. Is there a pre-existing precedent for Hiveminds? I am fairly sure swarms have it, but I cannot remember. I guess I will check.

Hive mind [two words] can be found in the formorian entry as follows:

Hive Mind (Ex): All formians within 50 miles of their queen are in constant communication. If one is aware of a particular danger, they all are. If one in a group is not flat-footed, none of them are. No formian in a group is considered flanked unless all of them are.

I see you've already incorporated some of it.

The thing is, all aberrations get Darkvision, for some reason. I can change it to Blindsense, which is what I meant, but then I assumed that people would assume that the Xsoaetsziq had Darkvision anyway.

Darkvision is a standard trait for aberrations. However, your creature would be an exception to this rule. Part of knowing the rules is also knowing when to make the exception. Since many of your creatures are blind, this would negate the darkvision. You mention that they are blind and could simply add that they do not have darkvision. You'd be substituting either blindsense or blindsight for the darkvision. All you need to do is mention it in the monster's entry.

The cheetah has a Sprint ability and your creature should use a similar mechanic.

Sprint (Ex): Once per hour, a cheetah can move ten times its normal speed (500 feet) when it makes a charge.

It isn't stated but a cheetah can't run like that for a full hour. Obviously the rest of the mechanic is missing. Also, 40 mph is approximately 175 ft.

More to come later.

Debby

[unosarta]

You're welcome

BINGO! How are the PCs going to refer to them? Better yet, what are your players going to call them? Players have inventive ways of corrupting hard to pronounce names. With that spelling, (Ksuaet-szich isn't an improvement) "Suet-Sick" is the probably the closest approximation that I can figure out. I shouldn't need a pronunciation guide to use this creature.

Right now, I have the Blind Ones, which is likely what the other denizens of the Underdark would call them, in a standard D&D campaign.

What is Sharlaq? How do xsoaetsziqs communicate with other races in the Underdark? The PCs may still not be able to communicate with these creatures, but overly limiting them to a language that doesn't exist in most campaigns gives the impression that these aren't just homebrew but perhaps they should only be used in your personal campaign.

Um, sorry, that was setting specific. But it honestly doesn't affect the Xsoaetsziq all that much, as far as I can tell. Oh, no, I was just using that as an example since I already worked a lot on the linguistics of Xsoaetsziq. The thing is, they can't really pronounce any other language. Most often, a creature who wishes to talk to the Hive would probably talk to the Queen, who can do so while they are outside of the birthing chamber. Maybe make the Clawed fluent in Undercommon? Also, as a note- very, very few Xsoaetsziq actually are able to speak their language. Technically they all can, having received the knowledge from their Queen, but I don't think that the Water-Bearers would even have the physical capabilities for speaking, only using their tiny mouths during the Gorge, and workers would rarely have use for it, unless they expand into another creatures domain. Hm. Maybe have the Workers fluent as well?

Part of good monster creation is creating a monster that is easy to fit into a standard campaign. In the Underdark, Undercommon is the most common language. Even if your creature can't speak Undercommon, being able to understand it (even if they have only a rudimentary understanding due to their lack of intelligence) gives them a broader base.

OK. How does one note partial understanding of a language? Especially since languages are not a part of the monster stat block that is used. Simply denote understanding in the description?

Now that I think about it, it doesn't make sense for any of them to not understand, sharing a mind and all, if only one person was to understand. Like, if the Clawed were to understand, because they share a mind, they transfer that knowledge along to the Queen, the Workers, the Sighted, the Fanged and the Water-Bearers. They may not necessarily be able to speak it as well, but they would certainly be able to understand.

1. No need to apologize. It just made the critique a bit longer. 2. The statblock should be complete.

OK. You just sounded a little frustrated by the fact. Are you saying this as in, it should be complete now, or as in it is not complete yet? It is a strangely worded sentence.

Hive mind [two words] can be found in the formorian entry as follows:

I see you've already incorporated some of it.

Yes, and it seemed rather ridiculous that the Formian (and I am fairly sure it's Formian, not Formorian, who are giants from Ireland, and particularly evil in D&D) don't have a definition for "group," when I cannot find it anywhere else.

Darkvision is a standard trait for aberrations. However, your creature would be an exception to this rule. Part of knowing the rules is also knowing when to make the exception. Since many of your creatures are blind, this would negate the darkvision. You mention that they are blind and could simply add that they do not have darkvision. You'd be substituting either blindsense or blindsight for the darkvision. All you need to do is mention it in the monster's entry.

OK, will do. I already got rid of all of the mentions of Darkvision in the individual monster blocks.

The cheetah has a Sprint ability and your creature should use a similar mechanic.

It isn't stated but a cheetah can't run like that for a full hour. Obviously the rest of the mechanic is missing. Also, 40 mph is approximately 175 ft.

I was just saying that having an ability that requires you to use a full round action as an activation, to move at your base speed times eight, for a certain duration, seemed a little bit bad to me. What would you suggest being better?

More to come later.

Debby

Thanks! I really appreciate the critique!

[Edit]: Updated according to your suggestions.

[Debihuman]

Hive Mind was in the Formian entry, not Formorian -- the extra "o" was a typo.

I like the way you re-worded the Sprint ability of the Sighted.

Also, the Clawed are Large creatures. They have a size modifier of -1 that should be applied to their Attack and to their Armor Class. They have a +4 to grapple because of their size as well.

The Queen is Huge so the size penalty to Attack and AC is -2; she has a +8 size bonus to grapple as well.

Debby

[unosarta]

Hive Mind was in the Formian entry, not Formorian -- the extra "o" was a typo.

OK, that is what I thought.

I like the way you re-worded the Sprint ability of the Sighted.

Thanks!

Also, the Clawed are Large creatures. They have a size modifier of -1 that should be applied to their Attack and to their Armor Class. They have a +4 to grapple because of their size as well.

Shoot, I forgot about that. Thanks!

The Queen is Huge so the size penalty to Attack and AC is -2; she has a +8 size bonus to grapple as well.

Debby

OK, I will fix it. Thanks again!

[Debihuman]

Yay, another monster in the contest! Welcome aboard HalfTangible.

I see a number of statblock issues though. No biggie, we can help fix those. I'll make a separate post for your critter tomorrow.

For anyone who hasn't entered this contest before, I critique ALL the completed entries per Vorpal Tribble's request a way's back. I try to be as fair as possible but I do have a few biases.

First, if you are using a house rule in your creation state it up front so I don't waste my time fixing a "mistake" that is intentional.

Second, if you use a rule that isn't in the SRD, cite the book it is from. Initials are fine. For example: BoVD for Book of Vile Darkness. Adding a page number never hurts either.

The contest format pretty much follows the online SRD (system reference document) which can be found here: http://www.d20srd.org. You can find the open content rules there. The open content rules from other books besides PH, MM and DMG are there too so it's a pretty complete site.

Some rules are fairly obscure so I tend to repeat them periodically for everyone's benefit. Not knowing how to figure out the correct DC on monster Lore is a common problem. It's based on the Knowlege skill.

From the SRD:

In many cases, you can use this skill to identify monsters and their special powers or vulnerabilities. In general, the DC of such a check equals 10 + the monster’s HD. A successful check allows you to remember a bit of useful information about that monster.

For every 5 points by which your check result exceeds the DC, you recall another piece of useful information.

In addition, I don't usually fix spelling or grammar, but I'll point out glaring errors and consistent problems. If you are worried because you are dyslexic or English isn't your first language, don't be. This is a friendly contest. I want every entry to shine. It makes for a better contest all around.

Last of all, I am not perfect. I make mistakes too. so please tell me if I flubbed up something.

Debby

[Debihuman]

The Vraal has some statblock issues that I'll be addressing.

Hit Dice are 14d10+56 (133 hp) [14 X 5.5 = 77 plus bonus hp (4x14= 56) for a total [77 +56] of 133 hp].

BAB/Grapple: this varies on monster type. Magical beast is the same as fighter. BAB = HD. Grapple is HD + Str modifier + Special size modifier.
BAB is +14. Grapple is +21.

Speed is first listed by feet. Speed is 40 ft.

Attack only should list the creature's primary attack. Damage needs Str modifier. Secondary attacks use 1/2 Str modifier for damage unless there is a special ability or feat that changes this. Claws and bites are melee attacks and that should be noted in the statblock. Primary attacks are listed first in full attack line.

Attack: Claws + 21 melee (2d6+7)
Full Attack: 2 Claws +21 melee (2d6+7) and Bite +16 melee (3d8+3)

Space and Reach are based on creature's size. You note extended reach by tail after standard reach.

Space/Reach: 5 ft./5 ft. (10 ft. with tail)

The special attacks and special qualities are listed by name alphabetically. You note the details separately in a text section. See SRD or 3.5 MM for how this is done.

I don't under stand the special attack. It can only reach 10 feet with its tail. How is it managing a 3 square sweep and is this sweep done with the tail? From the picture, it looks like the creature uses its tail for balance. I'd recommend toning down the damage the tail sweep does.

"Regeneration (4d6)" is sufficient. However, you should probably make this a set number since most monsters are written that way. For example, a troll has Regeneration 5.

A creature that is dazzled by bright light is Light Sensitive. This would be an Extraordinary ability.

Racial bonuses (and penalties) should come from Special abilities or be listed in the text description. If the bonuses/penalties apply to skills they should be listed in the Skills section.

More to come when I'm not so tired. :-)

[DracoDei]

If I think I might have enough time (which is a big "If"), I think I might actually enter the [Earth] counterparts to my Wing Dragon's [Air]. If Wing Dragons use something vaguely like Fog Cloud for their breathweapon then these guys use something like Wall of Stone. They would fill a cone with stone. If you make your save you just get pushed out of the cone (perhaps taking damage based on distance traveled. If not, you are entombed in solid stone... perhaps skin-tight. So, yes we are talking about a very high starting CR and HD here (and LA = "No").

They can stone-swim of course, and their breathweapon works through rock. No sneak attack though. No flight. but have a burrow speed for if they want to leave a tunnel behind for some reason.

Dexterity 1, but also have a "unstoppable" ability that renders them immune to any decrease of that ability score.

Probably Lawful Neutral to compliment the Wing Dragon's Neutral Good.

[LOTRfan]

Hey, could some one critique the Atroxasaurus? I'm sure I must've done something wrong, and I'd like an estimate on the CR (the method I use only works for non-epic creatures).

Also, any suggestions would be nice. The more brutal, the better.

[The Vorpal Tribble]

Hey, could some one critique the Atroxasaurus? I'm sure I must've done something wrong, and I'd like an estimate on the CR (the method I use only works for non-epic creatures).

Also, any suggestions would be nice. The more brutal, the better.

I'll take this one Debi. Expect a message, LOTRfan.

Is this the first creation you've attempted btw? Epic is tough even for the veterans.

[LOTRfan]

First one for any of these challenges (and for an epic creature of this scale).