Relationship Woes and Advice XX: One X Short of an Awesome Title

[Reluctance]

In context, it's entirely possible that she just didn't know how to respond to something that odd, so said nothing. Not so much a deliberate snub, as simply putting it off indefinitely because she couldn't think what to say.

Also, please don't put words in my mouth. I never said I was complimenting her as a bait to get a thank you. I did it because I sincerely believed the compliment to be true. It's just that by not thanking me, which in most other circumstances is fine, I see it as a sign of disrespect, which is compounded by signs from past actions. If I'm wrong and it's not a sign of disrespect, say that. But don't say I was being falsely kind when I wasn't.

One of two things is happening here. Either she's lukewarm on you and keeps you around because cutting you out of her life would be more hassle than it's worth, or she thinks you're okay as a friend but sometimes you say the most out of left field things to her. Either way, when it becomes a pattern of behavior, the reality is much more apparent. This is a lot more casual to her than it is to you. Either accept that she won't be putting much effort into things, or cut her out.

Arguskos: Lots of girls find that things get odd after a "thanks, but thank you no". It's not unreasonable that she's giving you some distance to avoid you trying to backdoor things. Accept as much, and maybe pick up the texting after you've gone out on a few dates with other people. Partly to give you some emotional distance, partially to show her that you're not going to be hung up on things.

Pika/Leaf: It's called being the backup plan. It's one of the risks you run when you date people with other options.

[term1nally s1ck]

You're misunderstanding why I'm annoyed. I'll give 2 other situations:

If I had been the first person to compliment and she hadn't replied, I wouldn't have been annoyed.

If the other people had complimented as well and she replied to none of us, I wouldn't have been annoyed.

However, because of the fact that she had given a precedent of thanking people for complimenting her, I'm annoyed. I see it like this: Let's say you go bowling with a group of friends. One of your friends is skilled or lucky enough to get a turkey. Each friend congratulates them and he looks at each one an thanks them by name. You congratulate them, and they look at you, but then just turn away and sit down. Wouldn't you feel like something was wrong in that situation? Same thing applies here.

Also, please don't put words in my mouth. I never said I was complimenting her as a bait to get a thank you. I did it because I sincerely believed the compliment to be true. It's just that by not thanking me, which in most other circumstances is fine, I see it in this case as a sign of disrespect, which is compounded by signs from past actions. If I'm wrong and it's not a sign of disrespect, say that. But don't say I was being falsely kind when I wasn't.

If the other two people had also been in an awkward situation about something similar only a week or two prior, you *might* have a point. However, you STILL don't. Yes, it was a little rude to not acknowledge it. Yes, she didn't treat you in the same way she treated the other people. However, there are potentially half a dozen reasons that she may not have replied to you, and you KNOW one of them. Your post is different, because you explicitly remind her of an awkward situation.

And yeah, I'd be mildly annoyed. I wouldn't however get all pissy about it and delete the comment. It was slightly rude. It was NOT a big deal. You're making a mountain out of a molehill.

And even worse, from her perspective, she's seen you congratulating her for a strike when she actually threw a gutterball (she thought you were being sarcastic), and then when she does get a strike, you say the same thing. From her viewpoint, that's condescension.

I didn't put words in your mouth. But what I said was true. You're NOT in this just to give her a compliment, the only thing you give a damn about is what her reaction is to what you said. Look at your post. Your only two questions are 'Did I freak her out', and 'Should I be angry about not getting a thanks'. You don't care if what you said sounded complimentary, you don't care if what you said is going to make her feel better. You ONLY care and ask about how she is going to react to you.

You gave her a compliment, and when she didn't thank you for it, you DELETED it. You basically say as close to explicitly as you can 'Well if you don't thank me, I'll take the compliment back'.

If you were actually being nice by complimenting her, you wouldn't care that much that she didn't thank you for it. This is equivalent to offering someone a gift, and when they don't thank you for the offer, you refuse to give it them. You're NOT being a nice person here, you're only in it for her reaction to what you said.


And the answers to your question are: Yes, you probably did freak her out a little, and no, you definitely shouldn't be angry. A little put out, maybe, but this is the equivalent of flipping the table over when someone doesn't say thank you for passing the salt.

[Glass Mouse]

Also, please don't put words in my mouth. I never said I was complimenting her as a bait to get a thank you. I did it because I sincerely believed the compliment to be true. It's just that by not thanking me, which in most other circumstances is fine, I see it in this case as a sign of disrespect, which is compounded by signs from past actions. If I'm wrong and it's not a sign of disrespect, say that. But don't say I was being falsely kind when I wasn't.

I understand where you're coming from.

A small tale: I used to trawl the giantitp boards for people asking others to draw for them. When I felt like it, I drew for people. I don't think I did it more than 4-5 times, and some people were very nice about it. A few people had a "'k, whatever" reaction to my drawings, and I grumbled a little to myself. Then one guy asked for five different drawings, I did them, and he disappered off the face of the earth. I got so annoyed by this, I stopped doing charity drawings.

Now, Terminal would say that in that case, I wasn't doing the drawings to make others happy. And he'd be halfway right. I DID do it to make others happy, but I needed some confirmation that they were happy, or I'd feel that I'd wasted my time. I might be mistaken, but I didn't expect people to be secretly happy behind a lukewarm reply.
Plus, I was vain and would've liked people to say my drawings were nice, and they appreciated me taking the time. Which is not an ideal reason (would this qualify as a "Nice Artist"(tm)?), but I was interacting with complete strangers, and honestly my stock in their happiness wasn't that high. So, Terminal is right. Most of my egoism stemmed from the fact that I didn't truly care about them in more than a "hey, more happy people in this world is a great thing!" kind of way.

So, I understand your feelings on the matter. It's frustrating to have your good intentions ignored. But dude. You lost four seconds of your life and no obvious emotional investment to this. Is the chance of making her happy (if you do care about her) not worth that?
If it bothers you a lot, don't compliment her again. It doesn't have to be more complicated than that.

On the other hand, I've actually had some pretty personal moments over Facebook that would never have happened if it didn't exist.

Perhaps we've all forgotten what life is like without this omnipresence. Without status updates and wall-sharing, you only know about what's going on in someone's life if they take a good chunk out of their day to share it with you specifically. Now, I know that sounds personal and fuzzy and junk, but this has a trade-off. Often people will share things that they wouldn't normally share because of how little time it takes on Facebook. I can't imagine any of my friends writing to me a letter expressing how depressed they've been of late, even though they don't express it in person. I know I don't call people up to express witticisms and "deep" thoughts that I have at random.

Whatever hate it gets, we can't forget that social networking has a key word: social.

A very good point.

I agree, it's great for updates on people's lives on a purely informative level. But I have a hard time seeing status updates and their brethen as something that builds any kind of personal connection between people.
Chats and letters are a little different, but they're not exclusive to Facebook.

Maybe I'm just bitter because I have no active Facebook friends

[Reluctance]

I will say one thing I really like about facebook. It allows me to keep in low-key contact with people I'd otherwise have grown completely apart from. A holding pattern is a nice option in between constantly reinforcing the friendship and letting it taper off completely.

[TFT]

If the other two people had also been in an awkward situation about something similar only a week or two prior, you *might* have a point. However, you STILL don't. Yes, it was a little rude to not acknowledge it. Yes, she didn't treat you in the same way she treated the other people. However, there are potentially half a dozen reasons that she may not have replied to you, and you KNOW one of them. Your post is different, because you explicitly remind her of an awkward situation.

The reference to the situation was meant in a teasing fashion(Which I'm sure she would understand as such), because I think she understood by the end of it that I thought she was adorable (Which is the compliment in question). And sarcastic isn't the right choice of words either. It's more that she may of at first thought I was just saying it and didn't really mean it, which is part of the reason why I put the comment up in the first place.

And yeah, I'd be mildly annoyed. I wouldn't however get all pissy about it and delete the comment. It was slightly rude. It was NOT a big deal. You're making a mountain out of a molehill.

Nah, making a mountain out of this molehill would have been if I had confronted her about it when we were with a group of friends eating lunch today. Taking off the comment and trying to figure out why she did it doesn't seem like a sign of pissiness, as much as annoyance.

Oh wait, that would have been your reaction too(the being annoyed), as you just said.

And even worse, from her perspective, she's seen you congratulating her for a strike when she actually threw a gutterball (she thought you were being sarcastic), and then when she does get a strike, you say the same thing. From her viewpoint, that's condescension.

It's more like she accidentally thought I wasn't being serious when I congratulated her on a turkey when afterwards I clarified I was in fact thanking her and she knew that. So from her viewpoint, as well as I can gather, she didn't think I wasn't being condescending at all, especially since I attempted to clarify it.

I didn't put words in your mouth. But what I said was true. You're NOT in this just to give her a compliment, the only thing you give a damn about is what her reaction is to what you said. Look at your post. Your only two questions are 'Did I freak her out', and 'Should I be angry about not getting a thanks'. You don't care if what you said sounded complimentary, you don't care if what you said is going to make her feel better. You ONLY care and ask about how she is going to react to you.

I didn't ask if it sounded complimentary because I'm 99% sure it sounded complimentary. I don't ask things I'm sure about.
But really, I've been trying to get at the subtle difference between why you think I'm annoyed and why I know I'm annoyed. As I've already said, if I were the only person to comment on that picture and not get a response I wouldn't be annoyed. Neither would I be annoyed if no one got a response. I'm annoyed because she took the 3 seconds of time to thank 2 people individually for paying her a sincere compliment, while she intentionally ignored my sincere compliment for whatever reason. It's about the fact that a person I thought was a close friend decided to intentionally not thank me even though she had thanked people she is at least as close to. Let me say it again. If I had been the only person to compliment her there and ended up not getting a response at all, I would not be annoyed in the slightest. Because of the circumstances around it however, I'm annoyed at the action.

You gave her a compliment, and when she didn't thank you for it, you DELETED it. You basically say as close to explicitly as you can 'Well if you don't thank me, I'll take the compliment back'.

Again, it's more of a 'If your not going to respect me as much as the other people who have already complimented you here, there's no reason for this to be here in the first place'.

If you were actually being nice by complimenting her, you wouldn't care that much that she didn't thank you for it. This is equivalent to offering someone a gift, and when they don't thank you for the offer, you refuse to give it them. You're NOT being a nice person here, you're only in it for her reaction to what you said.

I wasn't in it for the reaction. I was never, at any point in it for the reaction. I don't know how many times I need to say it in a row until you understand the point I'm trying to make. I gave her the compliment because I truly believe she's adorable (Yes, I can say it here, she is one of the most adorable people I've met ever. The fact she didn't reply to my comment doesn't change that. If I were only doing it to bait a complement, why the hell would I go on a random forum and say that? Other then the obvious reason of because I actually truly believe it.), and the reason I'm annoyed is not because she didn't respond. There are circumstances other then that a play here, and your focusing on the wrong one.

And the answers to your question are: Yes, you probably did freak her out a little, and no, you definitely shouldn't be angry. A little put out, maybe, but this is the equivalent of flipping the table over when someone doesn't say thank you for passing the salt.

Refer to my example of what an extreme actually would have been.



Though I do want to say I'm taking your opinion into consideration. I understand that as much as I meant it one way, the actions I had can be seen as the other way. That's the reason why the next chance I get I decided to see if I had had creeped her out(I'm not even going to mention the compliment thing because while I'm annoyed at it, it's not that big of a deal).

[term1nally s1ck]

You took it back when you didn't get a response. That ALONE is enough to confirm that you cared more about her response than about making the compliment in the first place. Because if you cared more about making it, you would prefer that it was still there and had no response. THAT is why I know for a fact that you were in it for the response, even if you didn't know that consciously. Not getting the response was enough to make you wish you hadn't made the comment, so you removed it.


And by mildly annoyed, I'm talking a brief 'Huh, that sucks', followed by a shrug and moving on with my life because this is a tiny little issue that doesn't matter in the slightest to either person's continued happiness or existence.

And dude, it is massively more likely that she just didn't think to thank you as well when she saw the comment. I don't analyse every response I make to any message or notification on facebook based on how I responded to other people's messages or comments.

And no, just because you can say something that would have been worse doesn't mean that you're not overreacting. That's like saying 'Well, he didn't hi-five me, so I punched him in the face. However, I didn't shoot him, so I wasn't overreacting.'

You're overthinking, overreacting, and overinvested in the situation. She almost certainly didn't intentionally ignore your comment, she just didn't think to respond to it. Yes, that *is* mildly impolite. The same way as forgetting to say thank you to someone for passing you something is. It is NOT a big deal.

[arguskos]

Arguskus: you can do the "ask her" option in a more casual way. Just, perhaps during a conversation (in person or by text or whatever), throw out a "by the way, feel free to let me know if I'm bugging you too much! I know I can be too chatty, so just tell me if I get annoying" or similar.

Yeah, that's fair. Next chance I get, I likely will just say "sooooo, yeah... me too chatty?"

I know, it's not a very comforting answer. But it's not entirely useless - some things are more defined than others, and being told that every option is alright can be what some people need.
Also, too many people look for big universal truths where a simple personal answer would be plenty enough, and they need to be woken up. (I tend to be guilty of that one)

So, I understand your frustration, but "that depends" does have its merits.

Oh, I agree that it does have merit, but it's also just "arrrrgh" inducing.

Of course you should ask. If nothing else, you've gotten a few ideas for how to get the specific answer you need.
By the way, I'm gonna throw a +1 after Serp's suggestion.

Yeah, already setting this in motion.

Arguskos: Lots of girls find that things get odd after a "thanks, but thank you no". It's not unreasonable that she's giving you some distance to avoid you trying to backdoor things. Accept as much, and maybe pick up the texting after you've gone out on a few dates with other people. Partly to give you some emotional distance, partially to show her that you're not going to be hung up on things.

Actually, we already had this conversation. The situation was actually pretty complicated at the time (and given that it's not my life, I shouldn't really discuss it here), but we worked out that I will never interfere with her standing relationship (and I truly never will, it's happened to me and I cannot stand for it now). We are merely friends now, and that's how things need to stand from here on out (for a variety of reasons).

Still, not a bad suggestion. Depending on how the above question ends up going, I may or may not follow it and just kinda nick off for awhile. Could be wise.

[CoffeeIncluded]

I don't know if this is a good thing or not...

Remember what I said about how I'm probably in love with my best friend who's also attending another college? I was talking to him and apparently he was at a party last month when this random drunk girl came up to him and began making out with him. I've never kissed anyone, that was his first kiss, and neither of us are the kind of people who trivialize kissing. So of course I was angry at her and felt really bad for hm.

Except that I was furious with the situation, wanted to punch her in the face (with a hockey stick), and there was a part of me going "@$#&(*&#$&^ WHY COULDN'T THAT HAVE BEEN ME?!" (Without the drunk bit, of course)

Is this bad, that I felt like this?

[H Birchgrove]

Did he try to push her aside? Or did he seem to enjoy it?

[CoffeeIncluded]

Did he try to push her aside? Or did he seem to enjoy it?

He was really upset about the whole thing, didn't enjoy it one bit and made several references to brain bleach. That made me even more upset.

[H Birchgrove]

He was really upset about the whole thing, didn't enjoy it one bit and made several references to brain bleach. That made me even more upset.

Well, at least it seems to me that you share values/ideas on how these things are supposed to be carried out. Did you express your sympathy with him?

[rogueboy]

He was really upset about the whole thing, didn't enjoy it one bit and made several references to brain bleach. That made me even more upset.

That this made you more upset confuses me, but perhaps it's just how I'm interpreting how you're describing his reactions. How I see it, from what you've said: random drunk girl comes up to him and makes out with him. He, for whatever reason* didn't try to stop it. He then commented about needing brain bleach for the situation, which suggests that he found it repulsive. If anything, that seems like a good thing to me.

Like I said, however, this could be an interpretation issue.

* possible reasons I can think of off the top of my head: he froze up due to the shock of a random person making out with him, he wasn't sure how best to push her away without offending her/someone else (I never said there was good logic behind these), he didn't realize exactly what was happening and how to respond to it (similar to the first).

[CoffeeIncluded]

Well, at least it seems to me that you share values/ideas on how these things are supposed to be carried out. Did you express your sympathy with him?

Yeah, and we talked about it until he felt better.

That this made you more upset confuses me, but perhaps it's just how I'm interpreting how you're describing his reactions. How I see it, from what you've said: random drunk girl comes up to him and makes out with him. He, for whatever reason* didn't try to stop it. He then commented about needing brain bleach for the situation, which suggests that he found it repulsive. If anything, that seems like a good thing to me.

Like I said, however, this could be an interpretation issue.

* possible reasons I can think of off the top of my head: he froze up due to the shock of a random person making out with him, he wasn't sure how best to push her away without offending her/someone else (I never said there was good logic behind these), he didn't realize exactly what was happening and how to respond to it (similar to the first).

I think that's basically what happened. He was trying to push her off while keeping an eye on her because she was apparently really drunk and when she started throwing up he was around to make sure she was okay.

And no, what made me even more upset and angry was how upset he was over the whole situation.

[DeadManSleeping]

And no, what made me even more upset and angry was how upset he was over the whole situation.

So...you are upset that the guy you like doesn't want to make out with random drunk girls? I'm confused. I don't recall you being a random drunk girl.

[Reluctance]

It's about marking territory and nailing down important firsts. The solution is clearly to pee on him to make sure other girls know that he's been claimed.

[THAC0]

So...you are upset that the guy you like doesn't want to make out with random drunk girls? I'm confused. I don't recall you being a random drunk girl.

It sounds more like she's saying that she's upset that he was put into an upsetting situation, not that she's upset with how he handled it.

Which is entirely reasonable.

[TFT]

You took it back when you didn't get a response. That ALONE is enough to confirm that you cared more about her response than about making the compliment in the first place. Because if you cared more about making it, you would prefer that it was still there and had no response. THAT is why I know for a fact that you were in it for the response, even if you didn't know that consciously. Not getting the response was enough to make you wish you hadn't made the comment, so you removed it.


And by mildly annoyed, I'm talking a brief 'Huh, that sucks', followed by a shrug and moving on with my life because this is a tiny little issue that doesn't matter in the slightest to either person's continued happiness or existence.

And dude, it is massively more likely that she just didn't think to thank you as well when she saw the comment. I don't analyse every response I make to any message or notification on facebook based on how I responded to other people's messages or comments.

And no, just because you can say something that would have been worse doesn't mean that you're not overreacting. That's like saying 'Well, he didn't hi-five me, so I punched him in the face. However, I didn't shoot him, so I wasn't overreacting.'

You're overthinking, overreacting, and overinvested in the situation. She almost certainly didn't intentionally ignore your comment, she just didn't think to respond to it. Yes, that *is* mildly impolite. The same way as forgetting to say thank you to someone for passing you something is. It is NOT a big deal.

Please stop trying to tell me I had a subconscious reason of selfishness for sending the message in the first place. Because it's actually quite insulting to the overthinking, overanalyzing nature that I actually really like about myself, especially since neither sending the compliment nor deleting the comment were rash, impromptu decisions. And if there was a subconscious reason, an overthinking, overanalyzing person such as myself would hopefully have caught it. Because a day is a long enough time to think about something rationally, which is the amount of time I took to think before I took it down.

I came here for the reason of seeing if I hadn't accidentally set off a creepiness alarm. Not to be told that someone on the internet thinks I'm actually a selfish despicable person who fishes for responses to compliments. For the record, I've only compliment people a handful of times in a handful of years. That's because I don't compliment someone unless it's 100% sincere. And yes, I haven't been thanked for compliments on other occasions, and no, I'm not annoyed and angry at any of them because the circumstances were different, as I've explained enough times. It isn't about the recognition, it's about the respect that goes into the situation.

And that's pretty much all I have to say on why I deleted the comment(Which wasn't even why I originally came here anyways), because I know the response will be again to tell me that there is still of subconscious, selfish reason I'm clearly not seeing despite also overanalyzing the situation. If anyone else wants to give me advice on the creepiness factor of it, I'm all ears.

And thank you to everyone who replied.

-TFT

[Objection]

Please stop trying to tell me I had a subconscious reason of selfishness for sending the message in the first place. Because it's actually quite insulting to the overthinking, overanalyzing nature that I actually really like about myself, especially since neither sending the compliment nor deleting the comment were rash, impromptu decisions. And if there was a subconscious reason, an overthinking, overanalyzing person such as myself would hopefully have caught it. Because a day is a long enough time to think about something rationally, which is the amount of time I took to think before I took it down.

You are missing the point.

• IF you were genuinely being nice THEN it would not have mattered whether or not you got any reaction
• The above still applies if similar/identical actions from others get a reaction
• IF it did not matter whether or not you got any reaction THEN you would not have felt the need to remove the comment
• You felt the need to remove the comment
• THEREFORE it did matter whether or not you got any reaction
• THEREFORE you were not genuinely being nice

Logical breakdown right there for you. Maybe when you give compliments you are usually being genuinely nice. This time, however, you were not.

[DeadManSleeping]

• IF you were genuinely being nice THEN it would not have mattered whether or not you got any reaction

That isn't how the human brain works.

I do nice things. I bake stuff for people I know just because I know they'll get to enjoy it. I offer my time to help others without any expectation of recompense of any sort, even emotional. And it's true that oftentimes I really don't get any kind of feedback. And you know what? It sucks. Giving my time (which is, as with everyone, always running lower) to another person is a big deal, and when it's not treated like that, you can be sure that I feel hurt. Having your kindness, no matter how big or small, treated as meaningless is painful. Period.

It doesn't stop me from doing nice things again, even if I know I won't get anything in return. But that doesn't mean acknowledgement doesn't matter.

And, in Fiery Tower's case, he was worried that the comment was having some kind of NEGATIVE effect, and in his situation, it was a legitimate worry. He was the only commenter who was not shown some acknowledgement, which also meant he was singled out for the treatment which I have already described as unpleasant.

Oh, and it also hurts to be called selfish when you were really trying to be nice. Just saying.

[Objection]

DeadManSleeping, that was the point I was making there.

OK I misunderstood your post. I would therefore argue that you are not truly altruistic, but I should probably take a breather now.

[DeadManSleeping]

There's a difference between doing something for praise and wanting praise for something you're doing anyway. And if you consider the latter to nullify all good intentions, then sir, you're stuck on a planet of 7 billion complete and utter scumbags.

Granted, that's the point I'VE been trying to make to people for a while, but still.

[fizzybobnewt]

I continuing my earlier narrative, I just got what I hope was the "let's just be friends", over Facébook.
...I guess I just wanted to tell someone. I'm really not sure how bummed out I am. So probably, not much.
You're a good friend, person currently reading this post!

[Coidzor]

There's a difference between doing something for praise and wanting praise for something you're doing anyway. And if you consider the latter to nullify all good intentions, then sir, you're stuck on a planet of 7 billion complete and utter scumbags.

Granted, that's the point I'VE been trying to make to people for a while, but still.

Well, once you've got a label that broad it ceases to really be very useful though.

[WalkingTarget]

Previously on the WalkingTarget relationship confusion:

I finally got around to bringing up the issue of dating with her again about a month and a half ago (i.e. a few weeks after the last round of posts here about it) with the same "not in a place conducive to dating" response but also with continued friendship, so that's ok at least.

About a week ago, I made a move with somebody else which was reciprocated. This is not a problem in itself, but my brain seems to think otherwise. The night after that began, I dreamed about the first girl (not in a sexy way, just in another "she's with somebody else" kind of way) and had similar feelings upon waking as I did the last time. I can't shake the feeling that I've done something wrong by starting to see the other girl.

Which is complete nonsense. I put my feelings out on the line twice and got shot down; I'm not beholden to her. It's like my brain is treating this new thing as a rebound relationship without my actually having been in a relationship to rebound from. I don't think it'd be fair to myself to pine after the first girl indefinitely, but this is ridiculous.

With the Thanksgiving holiday, I haven't been around many of my other friends since things with the new girl started. We know a lot of the same people (being in the same graduate program does that), so I'm hesitant to bring this stuff up with them. I dunno. Is this sort of unease normal?

[Coidzor]

Rebounds happen, insofar as I understand it and they have an actual cause, because of the process of severing/taking back the emotional investment one had in another person. Generally it only happens when there's been a formal relationship that has since ended, but if a crush or unrequited thing for a friend gets strong enough or lasts long enough it'll have ripples.

In this case, it sounds like it's more your subconscious challenging you not to let this be a rebound to you by taking appropriate mental action and thoughtful romantic action.

[term1nally s1ck]

You are missing the point.

• IF you were genuinely being nice THEN it would not have mattered whether or not you got any reaction
• The above still applies if similar/identical actions from others get a reaction
• IF it did not matter whether or not you got any reaction THEN you would not have felt the need to remove the comment
• You felt the need to remove the comment
• THEREFORE it did matter whether or not you got any reaction
• THEREFORE you were not genuinely being nice

Logical breakdown right there for you. Maybe when you give compliments you are usually being genuinely nice. This time, however, you were not.

Replace the italicised with 'If you were being genuinely nice, making the compliment would matter more to you than getting a reaction.'

And then adjust the rest appropriately.

You made a compliment. As a response to not getting a response, you took said compliment back by deleting it. As such, the response was obviously more important than the compliment, because if you had known in advance that she would not respond to it, you would not have given her the compliment. Unless you're trying to claim that you would have chosen to make the compliment and then delete it.

I never said you're a despicable person, I never said anything else about who you are. I said that IN THIS SITUATION, you're more invested in getting a response from her than in trying to make her feel good.

Again, this entire situation is NOT A BIG THING. She almost certainly just didn't think to respond to it, and I'm trying to get it into your head that you are responding extremely badly to something that is the equivalent of not saying thanks for passing the salt.

Seriously, if I passed some food to someone at a dinner table, they put it on their plate without thanking me, and because of that I scrape that food back off their plate and into the dish again, who's being more rude?

[fizzybobnewt]

Okay, actually asking for advice this time: I still have a huge crush on a girl who quite explicitly turned me down. How do I get her out of my head?

[term1nally s1ck]

Your perfect girl, the one that is everything you want, has one characteristic that this girl doesn't. Your perfect woman loves you as much as you love her.

This girl falls short on that front. So there's someone out there that's better for you. Why settle for second best?

[Coidzor]

Hmm... So my friend is insisting that he's in love with a girl who is engaged and recently backpedaled, moved out of her fiance's pad, unilaterally declared they were in an open relationship, and started sleeping with anything "cute" that moves.

And I haven't the foggiest of how I should act as his friend appropriately, since actively helping or listening is mostly stymied...

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I mean... how do you help someone when the person they're putting on a pedestal is doing their darndest to dig themselves an early grave?

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And only seeming to become attracted to girls who are either unattainable or unavailable.

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It's getting quite self-destructive. Almost like the old 19th century dichotomy of the virginal woman on the pedestal and the whore on the streets as the two conceptions of women in the Victorian era, only trying to fit the model onto real women in the present day and alternating between calling himself stupid when it doesn't fit and decrying young people, universally, as whores and filth if they actually act their age and pursue relationships and so on.

Half of us are convinced that he has some kind of issue with commitment and purposefully or subconsciously fixates upon unattainable women, even as he becomes increasingly sexually frustrated, possibly due to some issue with refusing to see women as an outlet for sexual release even though he really does or basically is doing so when he thinks that his problems would vamoose if he could just have a stable-ish relationship form.

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And he won't talk about it.

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none of us in this group of friends can get him to just express himself and get it off his chest.

...Wow I am ranting though. But this has really been going on for far too long since he just.... he lets himself get victimized by selfish, petty, abusive women that he constantly acts as an apologist for their terrible behavior towards himself and others in general until something snaps and he gets incredibly bitter and calls himself a fool but doesn't actually change anything and goes right back to being their gofer and thrall.

I suppose that I'm ranting at all about it suggests I should investigate how much I can suggest he talk this all out with a professional... Hopefully that's kosher to say at all.

Am I sounding completely unhinged and unreasonable though?

Oh, dear. That's... that's a bit of a rant. I apologize.

Okay, actually asking for advice this time: I still have a huge crush on a girl who quite explicitly turned me down. How do I get her out of my head?

Go for a walk, hang out with your friends more often, frequent places that are moderately high traffic so there's more people around as a distraction and you increase your chances of interacting with others, especially in such a way as to get you thinking about other womens.

Granted, as evidenced by the above rant, I've only got so much brainpower and credibility with helping others deal with such things...

[fizzybobnewt]

Hey, thanks, Term1nal. That actually helped. I hope they find a cure.
Oh! And Coidzor! Um, yeah, I'll try that stuff. Thanks also. I guess I owe it to you to read your post now.