Relationship Woes and Advice XX: One X Short of an Awesome Title

[Coidzor]

Hey, thanks, Term1nal. That actually helped. I hope they find a cure.
Oh! And Coidzor! Um, yeah, I'll try that stuff. Thanks also. I guess I owe it to you to read your post now.

Nah, don't owe me nothing. If you're curious about the rant, just note that it's about my inability to negotiate giving aid in a far, far worse version of a similar situation.

[Dacia Brabant]

Coidzor, if your friend is physically hurting himself over this stuff, then he needs to seek professional counseling as soon as possible. The problem, of course, is suggesting that could easily lead to disaster. Is there anyone in his life he really respects that could broach the subject with him, or maybe introduce him to someone he could talk to?


Now I have my own question: if anyone here has had success with online dating services, what kind of advice can you offer? Is the trick just to send out as many e-mails/winks/likes/nudges/etc. to as many different women as you can, and hope that at least one of them replies? That would be a bit discouraging if that's the case, although not all that unlike dating IRL, but so far it seems that a lot of the so-called matches I've been offered are rather scattershot already even though I try to be specific with what I'm looking for, so that's the vibe I'm getting. Is that how it worked for anyone here?

[Coidzor]

From what I recall, being a guy, you've got to rely on putting out a good volume of high quality introductory inquiries in order to get a couple of replies at all.

And if you've crafted your profile right, then you should be able to occasionally be approached and have a bit of an increase in the chance you'll get replied to.

I think OKcupid checked their data and found it was somewhere between 8 and 12% of male inquiries got replied to at all, even for guys who had a high physical attractiveness.

In regards to that site, well, I was mostly there for the quizzes at first, but once I did start to pay a little bit of attention to it, the quiver matches it gave me were, much more often than not, women I'd be interested in on at least a couple of levels past the physical. Though, annoyingly enough, I kept running into a trend for the, I'd say 9 weeks I was using it off and on, where it kept pointing me at bi girls who were actually only technically bi and displayed elsewhere on their profile that they were not looking for men.

As for him, well, that's a new thing, I suppose I should've clarified, but the bit where he was actually considering punching the wall before he just slapped the moulding and banged up his thumb, yeah, pretty out there...

And as for someone he'd listen to... looking into how well that worked out for her when she made the suggestion and how long ago that was.

[Dacia Brabant]

Yeah, that does seem to fit what I'm seeing. The frustrating thing is that I run into many that don't check off any boxes at all as to what sort of man they're looking for, and only do they write about it in the vaguest of terms in their profiles. I'm also running into the reality that there just aren't a lot of matches in the surrounding area, and by that I mean within a 3-hour drive.

I did try eHarmony some years back, and surprisingly enough really hit it off with the first person I was matched with. It lasted for about 5 months, until she broke it off without saying why. I thought about trying that site again because of the apparent strength of the matches, but I really do not like some of the things about it, most of which I really can't get into here but they did sell a magazine subscription to me without my agreeing to it so that was certainly off-putting.

I guess I'll just keep plugging away.

[AtlanteanTroll]

I don't want to make my own thread, but I'd like some clarification the difference between lust and love. What is love, really? Temple Grandin said that, basically, love is caring ... And while I agree with this, I have a few problems. By this definition, I love my friends, regardless of sex/gender. I'm OK with this statement, but if you really love someone don't you want to be with them forever? As for lust, it's obvious as to what it is, but where do the the overlap between the two begin?

There are two reasons why I've been thinking about this.

The first is that my best friend's birthday is coming up. I want to let him know that I love him ... But in a completely non-sexual way (we're both straight) and saying, "I love you, no homo" seems both offensive and lacking in sincerity.

The second reason is because a girl that I've been interested in for at least a year just broke up with her boyfriend who she’s been with for a while. I’m friends with this girl already, and I’m hoping to ask her out once she gets out of any sort of “rebound phase.” But now I can’t tell if I want to go out with her for her body or if I want to go out with her because I want to be around her.

[Reluctance]

Fizzy: If you can, find someone else to go out with a bit. It'll help cleanse your palate and remind you that you are desirable.

Coid: See AT's "Am I wrong to want to date someone just because I find her hot?" He's internalized all the messages telling him he should be a hero, all the messages telling him that his intentions should be pure, and all the messages that women are delicate creatures to be protected. And the attraction to crazy chicks part could probably be solved in ten minutes if he's in a calm place.

The booze, the rage, and the rest of the issue sounds more major. (And probably explains why he goes for girls who give intense highs at the cost of severe lows, but that's a symptom rather than a cause.) Does he get equally riled up about how easy he is to rile up? If you can get him to see a shrink about his anger issues, that'll be a huge plus for him. If not, the crazy chicks are a sideshow, and all you can do about the main attraction is wait until he's finally ready to acknowledge his issues.

Scylf: The key thing to do is to stand out. Look at the number of guys you're competing with. Ideally, look at their profiles; far too many of them say the exact same thing, and send the exact same messages to the exact same women. Being different will make you stand out from the sea of sameyness.

Keep your messages short, sweet, and don't brown-nose. There's this persistent belief amongst guys that they're sending long, well-thought out messages vs. the usual "hey" and "ur sexy". In reality, not only do desirable chicks get plenty of novels sent to them, but super long E-mails make them feel like they have to respond to too much. Which means they mean to write back, but never get around to it. Similarly, compliments are overused, and make you seem a bit too eager. Don't be shy. Jump right in and start a conversation.

As for girls who all have the same generic profile, there's not much you can do for that. If they're cute, you can send them something random in the hopes of a short term fling. After a bit, you tend to mentally filter out anything that doesn't stand out in some way.

Troll: As hinted at above to Coid, so what? In the first place, "you mean a lot to me, bro" should suffice. In the second, if you want to bang her and she wants to bang you, what's so bad about that?

[AtlanteanTroll]

I realize this bit wasn't directed at me per se, but ...

He's internalized all the messages telling him he should be a hero, all the messages telling him that his intentions should be pure, and all the messages that women are delicate creatures to be protected.

While I don't think I'm doing that latter, and I don't think I'm trying to be a hero, is it wrong for me to take my own intentions into consideration? I don't want to take advantage of anybody if I like them for either their body or their mind and/or personality.

In the first place, "you mean a lot to me, bro" should suffice.

I suppose so, I just want to make sure my sincerity is conveyed.

In the second, if you want to bang her and she wants to bang you, what's so bad about that?

I have absolutely no idea that this is true. Also, I don't want to wreck our friendship by entering an artificial, romantic relationship.

[Reluctance]

"Intentions should be pure" is code for "wants romance and flowers and ****, instead of noisy, neighbor-bothering sex". Taking advantage of people is bad. Lying about your intentions is bad. Acknowledging that you want to fool around ... well, not acknowledging that you want to fool around is a one-way ticket to being friendzoned.

Wanting to be with somebody because they're hot does not invalidate wanting to be with them because they're funny/interesting/etc. Let's be frank; if you didn't want in her pants, she'd only be a friend and you wouldn't be having these thoughts in the first place. Wanting to plow her like a prize field does not detract from your relationship with her. It's a bonus.

[Mando Knight]

Troll, your problem may be that the English language just can't cut it with one word. Love is complex, and it doesn't help that the one word means not only erotic love, but also brotherly camaraderie, unconditional care, and "simple" affection. Yes, you love your friends. You also might love pizza, your dog, your family, and warm spring afternoons, yet the love you feel for each is different in its own way.

Telling your friend you love him like a brother should get the point across, I think.

As for the girl, if you're having trouble figuring out whether it's her looks or her personality that is the main reason you want to go out with her... there is no issue there. Don't worry about it. A healthy relationship often has both those things.

[Serpentine]

Now I have my own question: if anyone here has had success with online dating services, what kind of advice can you offer? Is the trick just to send out as many e-mails/winks/likes/nudges/etc. to as many different women as you can, and hope that at least one of them replies? That would be a bit discouraging if that's the case, although not all that unlike dating IRL, but so far it seems that a lot of the so-called matches I've been offered are rather scattershot already even though I try to be specific with what I'm looking for, so that's the vibe I'm getting. Is that how it worked for anyone here?

Note: I've never used a dating site to find a relationship, but I do have an OKCupid account on which I've been approached, and I have checked out people I thought looked interesting.

The first thing is your profile. You need to strike a balance: you need to be informative, without being too verbose. It doesn't matter if you write a masterpiece, noone's gonna wanna read a wall of text. But on the other hand, you need to get across who you are, what you like, and how terribly interesting you are. And you need to give people something to latch onto, to converse about (for the opposite side of the below).

The second thing is contacting people. In my opinion, the biggest most importantest thing you need to do is start a conversation. You need to give them something they can latch onto to make it easy for them to want to respond. The easiest way to do this, I think, is to ask them a question about something on their profile, and maybe offer an opinion about something. All the people who contacted me on OKCupid to whom I responded (even if it didn't go anywhere), made it clear that they had read, and were interested in, what I'd written on my profile, and started a conversation about it.

Here's a sample first contact someone made with me:

Spoiler

Show

Hail, and well met!
Jan 24, 2010 – 1:06pm
Heh. Not the most common of greetings I use around here, but as a fellow D&D fan/roleplayer, I figured you might appreciate it. :)

I'm Zaxares. It's not my real name (alas!), but I've used this alias for so many years now it's practically my second name. There loads of information about me on my profile, so I won't repeat it all here, but do head on over if you like reading. (Fair warning, it's LONG. *chuckles*)

I came across your profile today, and you sound like a really interesting person. It's not often I come across somebody who likes fantasy, animals, D&D and cryptozoology. Plus, you've read The Dragon and the George, and I want to ask if you've ever seen the animated adaptation of that book, called "The Flight of Dragons". It's my ALL-TIME favourite childhood movie. :D

Anyway, write me back if you want somebody to talk to regarding Dragons, dystopian science fiction settings, or just funny stories from your D&D campaign. (Gods know I've got plenty of them myself! *grins*) If, however, after reading my profile you decide that you never want to speak to me again, don't worry, I won't take offense. *laughs* In that event, I hope that you find who or what you seek, and may life be good to you!

Best regards,
Zaxares

P.S. "EEM-you"? Really? I've always pronounced it "EE-moo". Oops...

Yours don't have to be even nearly as long, but this guy clearly read and was interested in my profile, (seemingly) genuinely wanted to talk to me about the stuff on it, and came across as friendly, approachable and personality...ful.
"Hey, saw your profile. You seem pretty cool." is close to useless. There's no opening, no invitation to interact or anything. Don't do that.


Regarding the more complicated question: as a very basic summary (cuz I think this is pretty much proper philosophy, here), I'd say lust is physical, sexual desire while love is exceptional affection something/one. For most people (asexuals, I think, being the main exception), combining the two makes romance.
In my personal lexigraphy, I use "infatuation" to indicate passing romantic interest/strong crush, and reserve "Love-love" for what I think I can reasonably expect will last a significant amount of time.

[Coidzor]

The second reason is because a girl that I've been interested in for at least a year just broke up with her boyfriend who she’s been with for a while. I’m friends with this girl already, and I’m hoping to ask her out once she gets out of any sort of “rebound phase.” But now I can’t tell if I want to go out with her for her body or if I want to go out with her because I want to be around her.

Fairly straightforward, either you enjoy being around her and want the romance as well as the physical stuff or you don't and just want intimate carnal knowledge.

You can figure out what the squishy feelings exactly are while dating if you get that far, actually, dating can help define what exactly those squishy feelings are in addition to helping figure them out.

[CoffeeIncluded]

Ugh, Atlantean, I know exactly what you're going through right now. The worst bit is when the physical "I want you" feelings hit. At least, that's the worst for me--I've never dealt with anything like this before and so they hit like a truck.

I think Coidzor's right. Which came first, and which runs deeper?

[Trellan]

I don't want to make my own thread, but I'd like some clarification the difference between lust and love. What is love, really? Temple Grandin said that, basically, love is caring ... And while I agree with this, I have a few problems. By this definition, I love my friends, regardless of sex/gender. I'm OK with this statement, but if you really love someone don't you want to be with them forever? As for lust, it's obvious as to what it is, but where do the the overlap between the two begin?

The easiest way I've found to determine if my interest in a girl is only lust is to think of her when I have absolutely no interest in sex (I know, I know, it's not that often for us guys). If you're really not in the mood for anything physical, think of her, and still get happy butterflies and all that, then it's probably on a level at least partially non-physical.

It's not gonna help you identify love, but it will help you rule out only being in lust. I've had plenty of times when I did this very thing then went "huh, when I'm not thinking of her body, she's actually really unappealing."

[H Birchgrove]

On OKCupido and possibly other sites that allow you to register as bi: Be prepared to get more responses/messages from men than from women, if you register as bi who's interested in both women and men.

What surprises me is that a guy living in Malaysia would be interested in me.

In regards to that site, well, I was mostly there for the quizzes at first, but once I did start to pay a little bit of attention to it, the quiver matches it gave me were, much more often than not, women I'd be interested in on at least a couple of levels past the physical. Though, annoyingly enough, I kept running into a trend for the, I'd say 9 weeks I was using it off and on, where it kept pointing me at bi girls who were actually only technically bi and displayed elsewhere on their profile that they were not looking for men.

So, they had checked on the search function that they were looking for both men and women, but on their background part(s) of their profile, they stated that they only wanted women? That's kinda inconsiderate... and stupid.

[Coidzor]

Ugh, Atlantean, I know exactly what you're going through right now. The worst bit is when the physical "I want you" feelings hit. At least, that's the worst for me--I've never dealt with anything like this before and so they hit like a truck.

They're kinda fun once you get a handle on 'em. Might even lead to learning a thing or two about yourself/body.

I think Coidzor's right. Which came first, and which runs deeper?

Well, which came first isn't necessarily all that relevant given the ages involved and prior relationship. Physical attraction is one of the entry ways into paying attention and learning about someone after all. But unless he only feels puerile lust, then there's no point in him holding back because of his feelings, because those will crystallize in the pursuit, and so long as he doesn't go throwing around the word love inappropriately and behaves properly it'll go about as well as young romance ever goes and be a learning experience.

If you refuse to date or try anyone out unless you feel truly, madly, deeply, head over heels in love with them first, well, you're going to either be waiting a long time and disappointed or get fooled by infatuation early on anyway due to not having experienced the range of emotions from opening up and coming to the table with that side of one's self.

[CoffeeIncluded]

Well, which came first isn't necessarily all that relevant given the ages involved and prior relationship. Physical attraction is one of the entry ways into paying attention and learning about someone after all. But unless he only feels puerile lust, then there's no point in him holding back because of his feelings, because those will crystallize in the pursuit, and so long as he doesn't go throwing around the word love inappropriately and behaves properly it'll go about as well as young romance ever goes and be a learning experience.

If you refuse to date or try anyone out unless you feel truly, madly, deeply, head over heels in love with them first, well, you're going to either be waiting a long time and disappointed or get fooled by infatuation early on anyway due to not having experienced the range of emotions from opening up and coming to the table with that side of one's self.

...Yeah, I guess you're right. Especially with the second bit. But then again, I guess I've basically been blind-sided; I have no clue how to deal with these feelings. Especially since they involve me and my best friend. And another thing is that I don't think I can date someone unless I'm sure of my feelings.

[Coidzor]

...Yeah, I guess you're right. Especially with the second bit. But then again, I guess I've basically been blind-sided; I have no clue how to deal with these feelings. Especially since they involve me and my best friend. And another thing is that I don't think I can date someone unless I'm sure of my feelings.

Well, the thing about dating as opposed to marriage is that you do it to crystallize your feelings rather than do it because you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with 'em.

But, really, as long as you're up front and honest about not being 100% on your feelings, it's OK to explore them, and you do a fair sight more exploration when you've got a partner giving you a hand than you can do tucked away in your bedroom.

Not that personal exploration and introspection isn't important, it is a good basis for the explorations you have with others so you know the rough outline of what you want and then you can work on filling it in with details and concrete things.

Sort of like how one can't actually know how one will perform in a life or death situation, generally, because it's so outside of one's comfort zone and experiences. Fortunately, relationships are rarely quite so frenetic.

As for your personal situation, I'd suggest writing it out/talking it out with yourself and writing down the broad strokes of what you think, know, and feel. Then discuss this with a few close friends who knows you fairly well and someone(s) whose wisdom and experience you respect. Since sometimes old people have perspective on the matter that your equally confused friends might lack. For instance, Zeb and Trog are pretty much wellsprings.

[arguskos]

But, really, as long as you're up front and honest about not being 100% on your feelings, it's OK to explore them, and you do a fair sight more exploration when you've got a partner giving you a hand than you can do tucked away in your bedroom.

Trust this man, he speaks sense. Do not become me, who spends his life hiding from himself because he hates himself. This is the face of the enemy, who is bad and should be shunned.

Not that personal exploration and introspection isn't important, it is a good basis for the explorations you have with others so you know the rough outline of what you want and then you can work on filling it in with details and concrete things.

It matters? Really? Because everyone else I've spoken to about this topic has basically told me that looking inwards is a waste of time, to stop being a bitch, and to get out there and do something. The popular opinion of introspection appears to be something akin to the popular opinion of lighting one's self on fire, ie. quite terrible. Of course, my opinion counts for somewhere between Jack and Squat, so ignore me.

Also, in a mild update, I spoke to my friend. The result was disappointing. Good advice though, thank you.

[AtlanteanTroll]

Thanks all.

Reluctance: Honestly I have no idea what the so called Friend Zone is, whenever I mention it, I seem to be using it wrong. And you're right I guess, but reading:

Wanting to plow her like a prize field does not detract from your relationship with her. It's a bonus.

Made me laugh.

Mando Knight: Always the voice of apparent reason, be it Pokemon or relationships. I think you're definitely right about how to talk to my friend and you're probably right about the healthy relationships statement.

Serpetine: Good definitions you've got there.

Coidzor: Even if it is relatively straightforward doesn't mean that it's easy to deal with. And yeah, I still need to wait for her to get out of the rebound phase and actually work up the nerve to ask her out ... The only real relationship that I've ever been just sort of happened.

If you refuse to date or try anyone out unless you feel truly, madly, deeply, head over heels in love with them first, well, you're going to either be waiting a long time and disappointed or get fooled by infatuation early on anyway due to not having experienced the range of emotions from opening up and coming to the table with that side of one's self.

The eternal cure of the hopeless romantic.

Trellan: Well, this has me confused. By this I'm not just in lust, as I enjoy her presence. I don't know ... I just enjoy her as a whole I guess. I 'unno.

[Reluctance]

Coffee: You learn to deal with these feelings the same way millions of other teenagers/young adults do. Pornerotica. Meanwhile, get used to going out on dates. So long as you have a basic grasp of hygiene, realistic standards and you're not horribly deformed, it's much simpler than most nerdlings think it is. The trick is to simply get to be comfortable with yourself and speaking your own mind.

Which, even if I could magic up the perfect partner for you right now, are essential relationship skills regardless. Learn by doing, because the alternative is not learning. And that leaves you in a bad place.

AT: Let's use a simple definition of friendzoning: They've made it clear that they'll never see you as more than a friend, while you want more. Anything else is just semantics games to make you feel bad about having your own feelings.

On that note, unless she's really taking the breakup hard, you needn't handicap yourself. Next time you talk to her, ask if she wants to see the Muppet movie or something. Like I said to Coffee above, asking someone out is not hard. The amount you build it up in your own head is way out of proportion to how it'll actually play out.

[Coidzor]

Trust this man, he speaks sense. Do not become me, who spends his life hiding from himself because he hates himself. This is the face of the enemy, who is bad and should be shunned.

Seems almost uncharacteristically reasonable of me. Oh dear.

It matters? Really? Because everyone else I've spoken to about this topic has basically told me that looking inwards is a waste of time, to stop being a bitch, and to get out there and do something. The popular opinion of introspection appears to be something akin to the popular opinion of lighting one's self on fire, ie. quite terrible. Of course, my opinion counts for somewhere between Jack and Squat, so ignore me.

Well, I seem to recall some old adage about the unexamined life, even if I can't remember how it ends. Knowing one's self is important because otherwise one can't really know what one wants.

Not a substitute for the struggle of life and human interaction, but a useful supplement, the problem is that it's hard to use in moderation, so people tend towards the extremes of not doing it or doing it too much to the exclusion of other things.

Also, in a mild update, I spoke to my friend. The result was disappointing. Good advice though, thank you.

Sorry to hear that. Hope things take a look on the upswing soon.

Coidzor: Even if it is relatively straightforward doesn't mean that it's easy to deal with. And yeah, I still need to wait for her to get out of the rebound phase and actually work up the nerve to ask her out ... The only real relationship that I've ever been just sort of happened.

Indeed, I apologize if I made too much light of it. But, really, figure out enough of the situation to make sure she's not going to just go out with him again next week and that she's not already seeing someone and just hasn't made it official and otherwise just make your move when you've gotten yourself not quite comfortable with the idea. As for time, eh, 2 weeks, 3 maybe, but otherwise you're better off putting it on the backburner and thinking about other things if she's really the type to have rebound flings.

Otherwise, y'know, just make sure you don't embarrass yourself by asking her out when she's got an SO. Or go ahead and do so, if she's got a sense of humor at all and you didn't actually know either, it should just be a compliment and possibly be filed away for later.

The eternal cure of the hopeless romantic.

Yeah, the perspective of those who've gone before has a way of doing that sometimes. Especially when they're former romantics.

Trellan: Well, this has me confused. By this I'm not just in lust, as I enjoy her presence. I don't know ... I just enjoy her as a whole I guess. I 'unno.

Then that's all you need to know for now. Over time you should figure it out if you do manage to start dating her, but, well, getting ahead of ourselves and let's not.

[Sthalor]

Not really sure how to start with this, so I'll just launch right into it.

I've never really been that good with women. For a few years, it was largely due to my battle with severe depression, and that just took a back seat to trying to get myself better. Unfortunately, this was during my high schools years, where most people get experience in these kinds of things. Needless to say, I lagged behind my peers excessively in that department. Flash forward to three months ago. I'm in a volunteer program that has me away from home for six months. There are three groups of these volunteers in one area, and on our weekend off, I go into the nearby city with some friends from another group. This other girl and I (I'll call her Dee) eventually hook up, and spend most of the weekend all couple-y. After the weekend off, we went back to our respective groups, which are too far away to be able to see each other on any regular basis.

The last weekend before the three groups split up, we all get together for one more night, and I spend most of it with her, again in the same couple-y type of demeanour. However, due to my gross confidence issues, I say nothing regarding our relationship, and we end up going our separate ways. Fast forward to about a month ago, and Dee and I start communicating on Skype. It comes out that we both really liked each other, and were essentially just too chicken to really say anything while we were together. We almost endlessly flirt online now, and I really like her. Now here's my predicament. The volunteer program ends in two weeks, and everyone goes home. I live about five hours away from her, but since I'm still too scared to discuss anything with her, I have no idea where we stand. I'm not sure if I want to pursue a long distance relationship, because essentially everyone tells me that's a bad idea. I'm not confident enough in myself to maintain that very well, and I don't even know if she'd be open to the idea. The other problem is that, once I return home, there are a couple of girls who have expressed interest in me. To be quite honest, I don't really like any of them like that, but this now means avoiding people who used to be my friends because I'm unsure of what I want to do.

Help me, GitP, you're my only hope.

[Rawhide]

Not really sure how to start with this, so I'll just launch right into it.

I've never really been that good with women. For a few years, it was largely due to my battle with severe depression, and that just took a back seat to trying to get myself better. Unfortunately, this was during my high schools years, where most people get experience in these kinds of things. Needless to say, I lagged behind my peers excessively in that department. Flash forward to three months ago. I'm in a volunteer program that has me away from home for six months. There are three groups of these volunteers in one area, and on our weekend off, I go into the nearby city with some friends from another group. This other girl and I (I'll call her Dee) eventually hook up, and spend most of the weekend all couple-y. After the weekend off, we went back to our respective groups, which are too far away to be able to see each other on any regular basis.

The last weekend before the three groups split up, we all get together for one more night, and I spend most of it with her, again in the same couple-y type of demeanour. However, due to my gross confidence issues, I say nothing regarding our relationship, and we end up going our separate ways. Fast forward to about a month ago, and Dee and I start communicating on Skype. It comes out that we both really liked each other, and were essentially just too chicken to really say anything while we were together. We almost endlessly flirt online now, and I really like her. Now here's my predicament. The volunteer program ends in two weeks, and everyone goes home. I live about five hours away from her, but since I'm still too scared to discuss anything with her, I have no idea where we stand. I'm not sure if I want to pursue a long distance relationship, because essentially everyone tells me that's a bad idea. I'm not confident enough in myself to maintain that very well, and I don't even know if she'd be open to the idea. The other problem is that, once I return home, there are a couple of girls who have expressed interest in me. To be quite honest, I don't really like any of them like that, but this now means avoiding people who used to be my friends because I'm unsure of what I want to do.

Help me, GitP, you're my only hope.

Five hours is not a long distance relationship. Actually, five hours is nothing. You won't be able to see each other as much as if they live 10 minutes away, but you can still see each other on weekends and/or when you simply cannot bear to be apart.

It's not long distance until the distance is so prohibitive that you cannot see each other without making plans well in advance, that cost a fortune and are prohibitive in multiple ways (cost, time away, travel time, etc.). These long distance relationships can be very hard, because when you absolutely must be together (be that to hug and hold them, or just talk face to face), then you can't. And it hurts, it hurts like hell.


I'll repeat: 5 hours is nothing, don't let that be what stands in the way.

[Keld Denar]

How old are you both? I'm not really sure, but you could be anywhere from late high school to mid college age to early adult. That said, 5 hours is nothing assuming you both have transportation, as Mr Rawhide said. If one of you travels to see the other once every other weekend for ~2 days and change, you'll see each other twice a month. You already communicate pretty extensively through Skype, so you've overcome that hurdle and you don't even know it.

My advice? Tell her how you feel. Don't be too strong...don't drop any L-bombs quite yet, even if you feel like you are starting to feel that way. Just let it continue nice and natural. Just say "I like you a lot, I'd like to continue seeing you, and here's my plan for how". If half of what you said is true, she already likes you, and is pretty likely to give it a shot as well, ESPECIALLY if you've already worked out a few of the logistics like how often you are going to have face time, etc. Long Distance Relationship (I don't know when I'll see you again, if ever) sounds kinda scary, but nightly flirting on Skype (which you already do) and weekend long couple time at regular intervals (which you already do) is much less scary. Really, what you want isn't that much different from what you already have. So...stay the course!

EDIT: Serple-derple: While your little sample message was humerous, I don't really like the closing paragaph. It seems a bit passive-agressive to me. "I'd really like to go out with you, but if you don't, its ok cause I get that a lot, nobody else wants to go out with me either". Thats...not attractive. I would be turned off if someone sent me that message, I think moreso if I was female (which I'm not). I was actually just talking about this with a friend, but I think its VERY hard for guys to NOT come across as creepy when on an online dating website, either setting up your profile or initiating contact with others. It just is. Being passive-agressive like that certainly doesn't help. Ending on a more confident note might be a bit stronger.

EDIT EDIT:

And another thing is that I don't think I can date someone unless I'm sure of my feelings.

Why not? 80% of dating is determining if you really do have feelings, if the feelings you have are more than skin deep, and if the person is a decent match. The other 20% are making sure they aren't a chain-saw serial killer with a machete collection.

Note: 73.3% of all Keld statistics are made up on the spot, and may or may not reflect actual studies conducted with actual human beings.

[Serpentine]

This one's easy:

Talk to her.

Bam

Srsly. This is something you just need to work out with her. Tell her you'd like to try a relationship with her, find out if she also would, and work out together whether you think you both can and would be willing to make it work.

[Wyntonian]

Well.

I was in a relationship with a rather awesomely awesome girl, Karrin, for about six months. It ended about six weeks ago, in what was probably the most polite, mutually respectful and honest breakups experienced by mankind. It was for good reason, too. She's going to university a year before I will, we'd grown apart and it was just time. We felt the same way about each other, and she was my first girlfriend who was both a romantic partner and a regular old friend. In fact, she was a bro. I don't think I've ever been happier in a relationship than what I had with her, all those late night walk, cuddles in the sunshine, sharing first experiences. Yes, there was a short period where it kinda died before we officially broke it off, but the good times vastly outweighed the bad.


Six weeks later, I'm more or less over her, and I'm starting to be ready to move on. I asked a friend of mine, Sarah, out to do....something. That's still up in the air, as well as besides the point. But even as I watch this beautiful and, let's be honest, freaking adorable, relationship begin to form, the only questions I can find myself thinking about is where, if, when and how it will end, and whether I truly care for her, or if I'm only attracted to her because she's one of few people who appear to return such feelings, or if I'm subconsciously only after sexy times, or.... I know this is ridiculous, but it's kinda jammed in my brain.

I can image the responses to this already. "Don't think too hard, let it come naturally, stop worrying", etc. I know you all know it's not that easy. I hope this turns out well, and I hope you all can give me a little advice.

[Maeglin_Dubh]

Like I said to Coffee above, asking someone out is not hard. The amount you build it up in your own head is way out of proportion to how it'll actually play out.

I remember one time this girl I had an enormous crush on and I had gotten into the habit of pretending we were flirting/using pick-up lines, based on the one time I legitimately needed her phone number for a medical situation involving a mutual acquaintance and she played it up a bit.

Then one day I jokingly asked if she wanted to grab a coffee sometime (I don't/can't drink coffee) and she said yes, and meant it. We wound up just having a tea/hot cider party on a blanket outside my dorm and then playing in the enormous leaf piles left around by groundskeeping, and nothing else ever really came of it, but that one time it -worked-, and I probably only did it because I wasn't really taking it too seriously at the time.

[The Succubus]

Wanting to plow her like a prize field does not detract from your relationship with her. It's a bonus.

I'm totally sigging this.

[Ancano]

I need some comfort. I'm 22 years old, about to graduate from college, and I haven't yet kissed a girl. I've probably hugged members of the opposite sex less times than most guys my age have had sex.

I know it's bad to be desperate but at this point it's hard not to be. My predicament has led to some serious self esteem issues. I'm honestly afraid I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life.

[Form]

I need some comfort. I'm 22 years old, about to graduate from college, and I haven't yet kissed a girl. I've probably hugged members of the opposite sex less times than most guys my age have had sex.

I know it's bad to be desperate but at this point it's hard not to be. My predicament has led to some serious self esteem issues. I'm honestly afraid I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life.

I'm familiar with this situation, so allow me to share some of lessons I've learned going through the exact same thing. Not having a girlfriend or never having had one is not a problem. Don't put place too much importance on it. I don't mean that you should give up (certainly not!), but adopting a more relaxed and patient attitude towards it would be for the best. You'll have to realize that it's fine to be single and that you don't need to get a girlfriend right now. Desperation is generally a bad advisor and I think that accepting where you are right now is a vital part of dealing with it.

I believe it's very important to deal with the desperation and fear seperately from finding a girlfriend. Desperation does not make a good basis for a relationship. Furthermore, simply getting a girlfriend is not a solution to these issues.

The second point to make is that you should go and take a bit of risk. By that I mean go out, go talk to girls you find interesting and make an effort to meet up with them. Suggest an activity for the both of you or simply ask one out on a date. It's important to make an effort yourself. You'll learn from the experience and grow less nervous.

I think the first post of this thread also contains a couple of links with useful tips for self improvement and confidence building. So you should definitely check out those as well.