Relationship Woes and Advice 21: Time To Go Bar-Hopping

[Vella_Malachite]

RRAAAAGH.

Augh. Sorry guys, need to post this.

Re my earlier comment about smelling opportunity for the concert? Yeah, not so much.

The concert was amazing, we whispered and laughed between songs (it was a fairly relaxed atmosphere). I had this crazy plan that I was going to try to hold hands with him when I got the chance.

I must have had that chance thirty times or more, and every time, I chickened out.

Apart from that, the day was a success; I went to his house, we watched a couple of episodes of a TV show, sitting close together on the couch (touching for 90% of the time), and we were sitting shoulders touching in the concert. We bought dumplings to share at interval and fangirled/boyed about the concert. After the concert, he drove me home and I invited him up for a cup of tea, and we sat in my room and talked for another two hours or so, sang songs together and laughed more. I got a hug goodnight.
He's continued to make comments about me being adorable, and we're getting on really well; I even tried to flirt a little more, but I kind of forgot about trying to flirt and just had fun talking...

I'm just annoyed at myself for chickening out . Why? I could have done something or said something at *any point*, but I didn't. AUGH.

...Just needed to post that.

[Heliomance]

That doesn't sound like a failure to me. That sounds like a pretty resounding success, to be honest. Just set up another date!

[Vella_Malachite]

@Heliomance: Yeah, it was a success by my standards. I'm just annoyed that I'd planned to do something and then chickened out. I'm just worried that we're both as nervous as each other, because I'm not above getting third-party help, but it's not really my preferred option.

[rogueboy]

We may not have different words, but we can bloody well distinguish between the different forms of love. The problem is when the context isn't clear then things default to romantic.

Since most people don't assume one has an unhealthy desire towards one's kid when one says that one loves them, and vice versa.

OK, true. I hadn't thought through exactly how what I said could be interpreted, but yes, context does help and I did overstate English's ability to distinguish. (This is why I usually end up overthinking things - to avoid exactly this... oh, well, I am trying to avoid that and see how it goes).

However, I think my point still stands, if not quite as strong as I stated it. If I tell someone that I love one of my peers, it'll often be assumed to be romantic if they don't have a lot of context as to the nature of our friendship - namely, that I simply value and cherish their opinions, conversation, and simple company.

[Ceric]

(Unrelated to ongoing discussion)

(Rant)

I have jealousy problems Please tell me they're problems and unusual so I can go on treating them like some freak accident of my psyche and generally ignoring them instead of acting on them, which would be terrible. Especially since I have no reason to be jealous in the slightest. My ex. We broke up two years ago. And I still have trouble seeing him interacting significantly with any other girl. Talking one-on-one, etc. The worst are the FB messages or something of "hey, it was nice talking to you!" or even just ":D" that imply something going on that I don't know about, because another weird problem of mine is that I have to know everything going on and keep track of it (while at the same time not letting anyone know about me =.=).

Someone tell me there's nothing to read into a female friend staying at a male friend's apartment that he lives in by himself Yes we were in a different town and past midnight, yes the train stops by then and I'm guessing she was planning to take that home the next day, but a couple of other friends and I carpooled home and we could have taken her as well. I surreptitiously brought up the subject (Friend: "I think she was going to to this party tonight..." Me: "Wait, isn't she staying at --'s? He said he's not going...") That brought up our residential cynical friend wondering what they were doing (and "she loves him" actually physically hurt me even though he was being sacastic). Her close friend insisted firmly that they're just friends and that it is indeed possible for people of opposite genders to stay over like that and mean nothing else. But I'm suspicious that she's trying to convince herself as well as us, or something equally unreasonable I don't like her. All the "ditzy" and "flirt" and adjectives that could be applied to the worst stereotypical popular high school girls apply to her as well. This impression is solely due to a 3-day camping trip a bunch of us spent together because I have camping experience and she doesn't and Crap Happened (no one fell into the campfire or poison ivy, but they stayed up all night playing poker and yelling... in the same tent as a couple of other guys trying to sleep... in fact, all the guys were winding down and then she went to their tent and they started playing again, so I basically consider her the instigator...). Other than that one camping trip I think she's a bit flighty but not a bad person.

tl;dr jealousy problems about an ex, disliking the girl who's being flirty with him, especially jealous that he's friendly right back. Cuz they're friends and I'm reading too much into this, hopefully.

[dehro]

two years after your breakup? I'd say it's none of your business...whatever he and other assorted womanfolk get up to

[noparlpf]

(Unrelated to ongoing discussion)

(Rant)

I have jealousy problems Please tell me they're problems and unusual so I can go on treating them like some freak accident of my psyche and generally ignoring them instead of acting on them, which would be terrible. Especially since I have no reason to be jealous in the slightest. My ex. We broke up two years ago. And I still have trouble seeing him interacting significantly with any other girl. Talking one-on-one, etc. The worst are the FB messages or something of "hey, it was nice talking to you!" or even just ":D" that imply something going on that I don't know about, because another weird problem of mine is that I have to know everything going on and keep track of it (while at the same time not letting anyone know about me =.=).

Someone tell me there's nothing to read into a female friend staying at a male friend's apartment that he lives in by himself Yes we were in a different town and past midnight, yes the train stops by then and I'm guessing she was planning to take that home the next day, but a couple of other friends and I carpooled home and we could have taken her as well. I surreptitiously brought up the subject (Friend: "I think she was going to to this party tonight..." Me: "Wait, isn't she staying at --'s? He said he's not going...") That brought up our residential cynical friend wondering what they were doing (and "she loves him" actually physically hurt me even though he was being sacastic). Her close friend insisted firmly that they're just friends and that it is indeed possible for people of opposite genders to stay over like that and mean nothing else. But I'm suspicious that she's trying to convince herself as well as us, or something equally unreasonable I don't like her. All the "ditzy" and "flirt" and adjectives that could be applied to the worst stereotypical popular high school girls apply to her as well. This impression is solely due to a 3-day camping trip a bunch of us spent together because I have camping experience and she doesn't and Crap Happened (no one fell into the campfire or poison ivy, but they stayed up all night playing poker and yelling... in the same tent as a couple of other guys trying to sleep... in fact, all the guys were winding down and then she went to their tent and they started playing again, so I basically consider her the instigator...). Other than that one camping trip I think she's a bit flighty but not a bad person.

tl;dr jealousy problems about an ex, disliking the girl who's being flirty with him, especially jealous that he's friendly right back. Cuz they're friends and I'm reading too much into this, hopefully.

It's been two years, so whether there's stuff going on or not it's not really your business. And if you care about this ex, then you should be more concerned with his happiness than with your jealousy, right? I'm probably not very good at this advice thing. But I get the jealousy stuff. (One of my favorite quotes is that bit near the end of "Othello".) I managed to get over that by convincing myself that if I actually cared about her I'd be happy to see her happy without me/with somebody else.

[Ceric]

It's absolutely none of my business and my brain knows that.

[noparlpf]

So the next step is forcing yourself to get over it, and that's really hard. I'm not sure what will work for you.

[Triscuitable]

So the next step is forcing yourself to get over it, and that's really hard. I'm not sure what will work for you.

I wonder what I did. I think I just reread Siddartha, slept in on weekends and thought really hard about other things. Like Mass Effect. Oh, and I took up baking, too!

[Asta Kask]

You're speaking of menopause. It's when a woman's ovaries stop producing viable eggs.

Not exactly. When the ovaries are first formed they contain about 7 million eggs. Of these, 6 600 000 are gone when she reaches puberty, leaving 400 000. Of these 400 000, about 400 will actually become mature eggs, although most will be unfertilized of course. Yeah, men aren't the only ones who are wasteful with their gametes...

Brought to you by the Irrelevant-Information Group (IIG).

[Asta Kask]

You're speaking of menopause. It's when a woman's ovaries stop producing viable eggs.

Not exactly. When the ovaries are first formed they contain about 7 million eggs. Of these, 6 600 000 are gone when she reaches puberty, leaving 400 000. Of these 400 000, about 400 will actually become mature eggs, although most will be unfertilized of course. Yeah, men aren't the only ones who are wasteful with their gametes...

Brought to you by the Irrelevant-Information Group (IIG).

[Coidzor]

I wonder what I did. I think I just reread Siddartha, slept in on weekends and thought really hard about other things. Like Mass Effect. Oh, and I took up baking, too!

Taking up or getting reinvested in a hobby is something that actually seems to work pretty well from what I've seen and experienced myself.

It was mostly distracting me from my current lack of ability to really go out and meet women at all to get back into cooking until last night. I can't even remember what the heck I was dreaming about, I just know that I awoke to a sense of profound loneliness and loss which is taking its sweet time to go away completely.

[bhtooefr]

It's absolutely none of my business and my brain knows that.

You mention that it's been two years since you broke up with him.

Have you been exploring the other fish in the sea? If not, maybe it's worth a shot?

Personally, I've found that hobbies don't actually help, they just result in my (tiny) apartment being more cluttered, my wallet thinner (much thinner depending on the hobby), and I still haven't moved on.

[Grinner]

Not exactly. When the ovaries are first formed they contain about 7 million eggs. Of these, 6 600 000 are gone when she reaches puberty, leaving 400 000. Of these 400 000, about 400 will actually become mature eggs, although most will be unfertilized of course. Yeah, men aren't the only ones who are wasteful with their gametes...

Brought to you by the Irrelevant-Information Group (IIG).

That's actually one thing that puzzles me about biology. Given their nature, I assume the eggs are derived from embryonic stem cells, but why can't these gametes repopulate themselves like men's?

And what causes the washout of the several million other eggs anyway?

[Coidzor]

I imagine figuring that out will help further our knowledge of human aging, I must admit.

[Ceric]

You mention that it's been two years since you broke up with him.

Have you been exploring the other fish in the sea? If not, maybe it's worth a shot?

Personally, I've found that hobbies don't actually help, they just result in my (tiny) apartment being more cluttered, my wallet thinner (much thinner depending on the hobby), and I still haven't moved on.

Eh. A little bit. Some guys who were actively interested in me rather than the other way around. And it works for a bit before I decide I don't really like them that much after all, and then I go back to thinking about the ex :/ It's incredibly hampered by the fact that I'm not a very social person and I have a hard time making friends, so the usual I-like-you,-want-to-get-coffee-and-learn-more-about-each-other date doesn't work for me.

What does work is picking out everything I dislike about him and telling myself he's a terrible person and I deserve better He's not a brony, for instance. That's a relationship-ender right there. I want someone to watch the new episodes with me and agree that Rainbow Dash is best pony

I'm, uh, basically over him in all practical senses. Random depression regressions notwithstanding, really I am >.> It's just the jealousy thing that won't go away. I'm ignoring it, I'm not going to sabotage any of his friendships or anything horrible like that, I may even be able to like any FB relationship changes he makes in the future. It hurts me every so often but that's my problem, not his >.>

And if you care about this ex, then you should be more concerned with his happiness than with your jealousy, right?

I think this is the mindset I need to focus on. I already know I'm pretty bad at seeing the world from someone else's shoes, so to speak, and it takes me real consious effort to do so. But if he finds a new girl and they make each other happy, then that's nothing but a good thing. As long as it's not that one girl. I don't like her, she doesn't deserve him I'll get over this eventually...

[bhtooefr]

He's not a brony, for instance. That's a relationship-ender right there. I want someone to watch the new episodes with me and agree that Rainbow Dash is best pony

I'm guessing that's somewhat tongue-in-cheek?

But, whether it is or isn't, maybe hanging out on MLP forums (I assume there are MLP forums (I'm not a brony, but that's a pretty safe assumption), and if someone not being a brony is a dealbreaker for you, then I'm guessing you're on one or more MLP forums already), making friends there, and seeing where things go from there wouldn't be a bad idea.

And I'm not saying to make friends specifically to get a date - that would go into Nice Guy (well, in your case, Nice Girl) territory. But, just make friends, and if you find yourself attracted to someone, then go for it?

Obviously, that works better if you're able to handle a long-distance relationship (given your comments about jealously, I'm guessing you aren't?), or are in a high population density area.

[Coidzor]

It's incredibly hampered by the fact that I'm not a very social person and I have a hard time making friends, so the usual I-like-you,-want-to-get-coffee-and-learn-more-about-each-other date doesn't work for me.

Maybe you should work on that and take more steps on your end then.

[Heliomance]

What does work is picking out everything I dislike about him and telling myself he's a terrible person and I deserve better He's not a brony, for instance. That's a relationship-ender right there. I want someone to watch the new episodes with me and agree that Rainbow Dash is best pony

Silly Ceric! Fluttershy is best pony! Rainbow Dash is second best pony!

[Ceric]

I'm guessing that's somewhat tongue-in-cheek?

It is tongue-in-cheek, don't worry

Maybe you should work on that and take more steps on your end then.

This is true and I'm working on it. Not yet at a point where I'm comfortable with the main focus of an interaction being a conversation with a relative stranger, alas >.>

Silly Ceric! Fluttershy is best pony! Rainbow Dash is second best pony!

Fluttershy is only second best pony because of this week's episode. Then second best pony will probably go back to Scootaloo or Discord or Derpy or whoever's in the next episode afterwards

[Heliomance]

Fluttershy stared down a Cockatrice while it was turning her to stone! She berated a fully grown dragon so hard it burst into tears! Nopony is more awesome than Fluttershy.

[Triscuitable]

Fluttershy stared down a Cockatrice while it was turning her to stone! She berated a fully grown dragon so hard it burst into tears! Nopony is more awesome than Fluttershy.

Applejack doesn't have to learn anything.

[noparlpf]

Applejack doesn't have to learn anything.

I laughed so hard when I watched that episode.

I like Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash, but I think I like Twilight a bit more. "That's not scientifically possible. You're not scientifically possible!"

[Cobra_Ikari]

I want someone to watch the new episodes with me and agree that Rainbow Dash is best pony

This sentence makes no sense to me. How do you agree to something that's already a fact of life?

[Maeglin_Dubh]

Would anyone here recommend dating sites (I recall OKCupid being discussed here for a while) for someone who doesn't really have lots of free social time, or really much of an existing social network?

That is to say, since leaving college, I don't really talk to anyone from there except a couple of guys who come and hang out at my apartment, and I work pretty long hours during the week and don't really have anywhere that I hang out to meet people. I think it's literally been months since I've had personal social interaction with a female who wasn't a co-worker (and everyone I work with has a couple of decades on me, at least, so the dynamic is a little different).

[Serpentine]

I recommend OKCupid, although granted it's the only one I've actually used. I've been spending a bit of time on it lately, chatting to randoms. I know there's plenty of people on there looking for - or at least express interest in - non-romantic connections.

[RabbitHoleLost]

OKcupid is fairly creep-less, while PlentyOfFish has only given me grief.
This is, of course, all through personal experience, and that fact that my past two relationships have come from OKC.

However, I point out that if you don't really have much free time to meet people socially, you probably don't enough time to be dating.

[Grinner]

OKcupid is fairly creep-less, while PlentyOfFish has only given me grief.

On the subject of creeps, what criteria define them?

Stalking, obviously. I suspect subjective opinion factors into it, as well as social tactlessness. Appearance, probably?

[RabbitHoleLost]

On the subject of creeps, what criteria define them?

Stalking, obviously. I suspect subjective opinion factors into it, as well as social tactlessness. Appearance, probably?

Appearance isn't often taken in to my opinion on a creep. Honestly, when internet dating is involved, the following may mean you're a creep (however, this list is by no means complete, because the ways to be a creep are as endless as the days):
-Your first message is sexual in nature
- upon receiving a phone number, you text and then continue to text until you get a response. After initial contact is made and you don't get an instantaneous result, you text "????" after about a half hour
- general harassment after being told "no thanks" or not getting a response on the site at all
-Meeting and instantly grabbing boob or attempting to stick your tongue in their mouth or any other intimate action within the initial meet up
-Asking to meet for the first time at your place of residence

All of these things and more have happened to me.

For non-internet, every day definition of creep, I use just one- if the other person says no or declines and you continue to press, pursue, or otherwise harass them, you are a creep.