Things I'm Not Allowed To Do While Gaming

[Rockphed]

5566. I am not allowed to microwave gnomes.

But how else are you supposed to get them exploded to perfection?

[curtmack]

5568. "Pelvic thrust" is not a valid option for an attack of opportunity.
5569. I am not allowed to play a paladin. This is because me and the guy who always plays paladin inevitably end up racing to become a blackguard in the biggest way possible.
5570. There is absolutely no reasonably explanation for why a level 1 character should have a +5 vorpal longsword, even if it is a family relic.
5571. As of that one time we were tracked by a group of level 17 rangers, dendritic armor is no longer allowed. If anyone wears dendritic armor, the party rogue has the right to slay him in the night.
5572. Not even if you put it on the party sorcerer as a joke. Come to think of it, especially if you put it on the party sorcerer as a joke.

[DaMullet]

5573: I don't bloody care what Douglas Adams says, you can't fly just because you botched your attack roll on the earth.

[AKA_Bait]

5574: I am not allowed to use Command: Orgasam
5574a: I am especially not allowed to use it as a form of bribery.
5575b: Or a practical joke.

[Quietus]

5574: I am not allowed to use Command: Orgasam
5574a: I am especially not allowed to use it as a form of bribery.
5575b: Or a practical joke.

Take away all my... and their... fun, why don't you...

[TheAlmightyOne]

5575: I am not aloud to systematicly break every single one of these rules until the DM snaps and rests my character back to level 1

5576: After this has happened I am not aloud to roll a natural 20 on a diplomacy check on th party leader and become the leader of a band of lv 10 characters.

[Just Alex]

5576: When someone, especially the DM, says that casters aren't terribly powerful, I am nor to prove him wrong in the most explosive way possible. Just because a 17th level straight Wizard using the wealth-by-level of a lvl 10 character shouldn't be able to solo a terrasque doesn't mean I can't do it.
As an aside, I almost made the guy who posed the challenge cry. Apparently he didn't realize the power of a Celerity, Time Stop + Sudden Maximize, 4 turns of Wall of Force.
Even better was using a Wish to force the Great Wyrm Dragon to fail it's next saving throw, against a baleful polymorph, naturally.

[Winged One]

5578: Just because I have the highest Mechanics skill in the party does not mean I can use the phrase "set them up the bomb".
5578: Any plan that relies on the ability of stormtroopers to hit heroic characters is immediately vetoed from now on.
5580: I will not act like a punk toward Emperor Palpatine.
5581: When someone rolls a natural 1 on an Intelligence check, I will not direct them here.

[Drider]

5564. You cannot sacrifice gnome villages to make a philosopher's stone.
5565. Not even if you really want your arm and leg back.

He was essentially a gnome.
1. good at alchemy
2. small
3. his arm and leg were removed(gnomish tradition)...maybe

[DaMullet]

Who knows what were Gnomish Traditions... Nobody can stand to get near 'em long enough to study them.

[NephandiMan]

5582. Duration spells that deal damage each round are not "dots."
5583. The correct response when facing a difficult enemy is not "More dots now!"
5584. Melee characters do not deal DPS.
5585. Nor do they deal it very, very slowly. (And by slowly I mean f***ing slow!)
5586. Standing in the wrong place will not get you kicked into the whelps. Even if it did, you would not lose 50 DKP as a result.
5587. Drow are not "night elves."
5587a. And the female ones will not do a sexy dance on command.
5587b. Nor may you make them dance for money.
5587c. No, not even then.
5588. While we're on the subject of MMORPGs, paladins do not have to sub warrior in order to be effective party members.
5588a. No, there are no subjobs in D&D. Deal with it.
5589. The female cleric of Pelor is not a white mage.
5589a. Nor does she have white robes with red triangles on them.
5589b. And the party's arcane caster is not a black mage.
5589c. No, the arcane caster does not have a near-psychotic obsession with trying to get into the cleric's pants (or robes, as the case may be), nor does he use the most atrocious pickup lines in attempting to do so.
5589d. Nor does he dress in blue robes and wear a yellow hat, or have eyes that glow yellow.
5589e. Yes, that smell is his spell component pouch. No, you may not suggest that he conjure himself a shower.
5589f. No more of that webcomic for you!

[Dairun Cates]

Well, here's the new ones for tonight. Just when you think your players can't break the universe anymore...

5590. If a player is incapable of functioning without alcohol, it is widely considered a bad idea to deprive him of it because you think it's funny.

5591. This is especially true if the condition in mind makes the character feel insufferable pain.

5592. This is triply true if said character is the key to the majority of the party's effective damage dealing strategy.

5593. This is ridiculously true if said character is the healer.

5594. Most importantly, this is true when you're in a campaign where society encourages extreme violence; the kind where you could be attacked by an armor-plated velociraptor, a ninja, and an 8-year old kid with a mustache and a higher hit than most of the party at any time without explanation. The aforementioned character might also kill you later as well.

5595. On a similar note, as a GM, I should not overestimate my party's ability to take out an armored velociraptor, a ninja, and said kid with mustache (especially without a healer).

5596. A TPK is not the best way to introduce a new PC.

5597. Especially if the PC IS the TPK.

5598. It is generally frowned upon to spend your rerolls on making your own teammates fail because they refused to get you alcohol.

5599. It is also generally a bad idea for the party to force 10 rerolls in the first scene of the session.

5600. I will not send an entire militia after an enemy that beat me once (especially PC's).

5601. As a GM, I should never again introduce a character whose name can be confused for a pronoun or possessive pronoun (Yuu, Mii, Mai, Ai, etc). The joke's should only go for so long.

5602. No freezing someone's computer literally.

5603. For the last time, not every answer can be found at a bar.

5604. Tact and Diplomacy are not best left up to the alcoholic.

5605. Characters should not be excepted into the party in the middle of a court case.

5606. Objecting Phoenixes, although topical to the setting, are just silly.

5607. Upon discovering that the person that has been stealing items left and right is just a very confused bear with sticky fur, the party should consider the holes through 4 feet of reinforced steel before attempting to take the items back from the bear.

5608. As a GM, I am not allowed to say that the randomized attack "isn't likely to hit your own party members". It always does, regardless of odds.

5609. When a player jokingly insinuates that my dice cup is for fudging dice rolls, I may not make a roll on the open table and jokingly telling my player that he dies and then realize I rolled a critical right in front of him. The players will never doubt me again, but it honestly scares the hell out of everyone.

5610. The party cannot take the unconscious boss to the healer's and get it raised to full HP just because they missed one of the stealable items on the boss. I know it's silly that under this system you can't just take them off his unconscious body, but it's even sillier to fight a challenging boss twice just for an insanely mundane item.

5611. If the party manages to convince the GM to let them heal the boss to full HP for said opportunity to steal mundane equipment, the party should not be shocked when said boss is noticeably pissed.

5612. You may not heal the boss and knock him out a third time in order to get revenge for the boss landing a critical and turning one of the party members into a grease stain. It's your own damn fault for healing him in the first place, and he sure as hell is going to do it again given the chance.

5613. Under no circumstances should you hit your own teammates with an instant kill attack, even if it is to hit the boss.

5614. After knocking the boss out a third time, you do not gain access to the bear species template.

5615. You cannot kill the damn fourth time just to see if you'll get an easter egg.

5616. As a GM, I should refrain from using velociraptors to keep the party from healing the poor bear and beating it up again.

5617. No. Defeating a boss 3 times under your own stupidity does not count as power-leveling.

5618. No. You do not get role-playing experience for valiantly dying in a battle against a boss you've already beaten.

5619. No. All that WASN'T worth the autograph on the mundane equipment.

5620. No spending 50 energy to change the gender of the nurse from male to female so you can hit on her.

[Xuincherguixe]

5621. Hitting on the Nurse when you haven't spent 50 energy to convert said Nurses gender will really freak out the other players.

5622. The cleric is discouraged from killing that player.

5623. Beholders may not have Monk Levels.

5624. Nor can Treants.

5625. The shoggoth most certainly can't have Monk levels.

5626. The rock can't have monk levels.

5627. The manifestation of gods rage not only can have Monk Levels, but is encouraged to take the prestige class of total party killer. It has 5 levels, and at first gains the the ability to make rocks fall wherever it so chooses.

5628. You may not defeat the manifestation of gods rage, with monk and total party killer levels, who has the ability to make rocks fall wherever it chooses.

5629. The players may not deal sanity damage to the GM.

5630. Just because your character's name is Nietzsche does not mean you can bypass damage reduction on deities.

5631. There is no deity for eating habits.

5632. You may not ride the squirrel.

5633. The giant especially cannot ride the squirrel.

5634. There is no one you can bribe to change the laws of physics.

(Many of those I plan on doing as a DM :P)

[ThorFluff]

Some from my own varied gameplay:

5635: You are not allowed to Turn into gas and entering someones lungs and then turning back to normal, blowing them to greasy little bits.

5636: You are not to to present any course of action, based on knowledge you think you have, aquired to visions, dreams or otherwise that the other partymembers don't. This is because they a: Don't belive in your visions or prophecies, and b: it makes you look really crazy.

[horseboy]

5637 I am not to refer to the "tiger" strain of lycanthropy as "Cat Scratch Fever"

5638 I am not allowed to make an archer or Sniper based character with the names, nick names, call signs or any other forms of referencing to the terms "Ghost", "God", or "The Nuge"

5639 If I do wind up with one called "The Nuge" he does NOT wear a "bad ass loincloth, you know, while he's doing laundry."

54. Cannot pimp out other party members.

On a related note. My original party consisted of a Troll, a t'skrang and two windlings. The windlings played a game of dice to see who would get to ride the troll. The elementalist won. Shortly into the campaign, the t'skrang passed out at the bar one night from too much to drink. When he woke up "someone" had tattooed flames on his crest. Not to be out done, the elementalist pooled his money with the troll and got him a set of plate armour. While the weaponsmith was fitting it to the troll, the elementalist asked him if he could flair out the leg greaves. When asked why he replied: "For curb feelers!" Thus, the battle of "Pimp my ride" has begun.

5640 Yes, I know you're riding on his shoulder. I know he just got hit, but you may NOT use your trick riding skill in place of his Avoid Blow.

5641 No, the Avoid Blow talent isn't how you find out if she has braces.

5642 Henceforth the new obsidiman will not be allowed to use his 24 str to force any PC, NPC or any other living or undead or dead organism to play the "Stop hitting yourself" game.

5643 Yes naming an item is the first step twords solidifying it's magical pattern and becoming an item of legend. However, you may NOT name your 2 handed war hammer "Sledge-o-matic". Even if you do do an average of 32 points a round with it.

(From a prior campaign)
5644 No, trolls do not have gems sprouting out of their belly buttons.

5645 Rubbing the troll's stomach only makes you lucky if you're another troll, too.

(My own style)
5646 My t'skrang warrior adept will not present the BBEG female blood warder with a single white rose.

5647 I will not use it as an Enchanted Gift. Said gift will not be instilled with feeling of loneliness of the current emptiness for her situation.

5648 I will not use this as a circumstance bonus to overcome her insanely high social defense for Instill Love.

5649 I will not seduce BBEG.

5650 I will not do 5646-5649 because it might be viewed as "anti-climatic" or be cause it allowed me to "solo" the encounter. I will not do this because blood wardens have thorns EVERYWHERE!

5661 I will not forget to call her then next day. After all, we just got this whole BBEG thing settled. The last thing we need is a VBBEG psycho-bitch ex-girlfriend story arc.

5662 Through player-DM negotiations I will never again play a questor of Astendar and he will not make the Ritual of Thorns an STD in his world.

[randomguyonfire]

5663 when imprisoned in a 20 foot deep stone pit with a sliding trap door for a exit we are not to build a human tower with the monk on top wait for the door to open and then jump out, especially if he has a improvised rope to pull up the other pcs

[Alyorbase]

Here's some from my experiences some are mine some are other people...
5664. I am never allowed to talk to talking doors again...EVER
5665. If 5664 is broken, I am not allowed to tell the door that we want inside so that we can pillage, plunder, and burn everything inside.
5666. If 5665 is broken, I am not to whine when the door feebleminds me because it had detect thoughts going and knew I was telling the truth
5667. Sorcerors/Wizards are not allowed to use their melee weapons...ever...no not even then.
5668. If one player attacks another player in the party, be prepared for the party wizard to feeblemind you and make you a vegetable.
5669. Shattering the town monument twice, and then casting slay living on one guard, and then blindness/deafness'ing the other guard who attacked you because you shattered said monument, while awesome, is typically frowned upon
5670. If 5669 is broken, be prepared for your priest of Talos to be the first ever PC to die from "Police Brutality"
5671. Leroy Jenkins was a Paladin...not a Sorceror.

5669 and 5670 actually happened to a priest of talos I made. I shattered the town monument and got away with it. When the town rebuilt it, I shattered it again only this time I found 2 friends with it. Upon slay living the first guard, I then blindness'd the other and taunted him as I smacked him with my mace...needless to say I was eventually found by some guards, beaten down to negative hp's, then dragged down a flight of stairs which knocked me down to neg 10...totally worth it

[Alyorbase]

ooh one I forgot...
5672. Never, NEVER try to flying kick a Sphere of Annihilation...it never ends well for you

[Arbitrarity]

5673: Should I play a druid/bard/Foluchan Lyrist with "speak with plants", I may not sing "I've heard the screams of the vegetables"

[Jibar]

5674. I am never again allowed to make a character with specialisation in fireball, Profession (Plumber) and ocall him Mario.
5675. Neither can I make an Awakened Gorilla with Exotic Weapon Profiency (Barrels).

[Winged One]

5676: I will not make a character with +16 to Intimidate and call her Chistine Walken.
5677: these spells are unknown outside of Sigil Prep.
5678: The 6th stage of grief is not "everything is on fire!"

[Aimbot]

5679 I am no longer allowed to model Lawful good PCs and NPCs after real world evil dictators.

[TigerHunter]

5680. Prestidigation cannot be used to do any of the following
-freeze people's blood, killing them instantly
-tear out tiny but vital organs
-prevent their heart from beating
-shut off the brain's supply of oxygen
5681. The spell can't deal damage. Period. No matter how many ways you can come up with to use 1 pound of force to kill someone.

[Winged One]

5682: psionicists do not hold power over mexican food.
5683: rogues do not have to interupt random sentences by shouting "sneak attack!", nor by actually sneak attacking people.
5684: I may not have both a constant Greater Invisibility effect and an extremely high Intimidate modifer.
5685: my job is not about "getting to know people...and killing them!"
5686: I may not introduce a fad that involves giving me a Hummer and a burrito.
5687: evil bar wenches who hate adventurers may be amusing, but you still shouldn't trust them.
5688: Vecna is, in fact, acceptable. As a deity for people who you're trying to kill, but nevertheless.
5689: dwarves can take reckless advantage of the fact that nobody knows anything about their culture to get away with outragious things, but that is a chaotic act.
5690: elves do not cause cancer. Shut up. You grandmother did not die of elven cancer, you liar.

[DaMullet]

5691: You may not save up explosive runes for a week, just to throw 30 of them at a time at ANYTHING.

5692: If you do that, expect it to backfire somehow.

5693: If this backfire happens in the form of a caster NPC that just happens to know Greater Dispel, tough luck.

5694: If your counter to this strategy is to take your readied action to run up adjacent to him before he dispels, and end up taking him with you, well, I hope you rolled a backup character.

5695: If, at the time of his casting, you and he happened to be adjacent to nearly the entire party, two others of which happened to have MORE explosive runes, such that 50 were dispelled and blown, and you kill the entire party, except the rogue who has evasion, DO NOT expect Roleplaying experience for "a touching self-sacrifice."

[SurlySeraph]

5682: psionicists do not hold power over mexican food.
5683: rogues do not have to interupt random sentences by shouting "sneak attack!", nor by actually sneak attacking people.
5684: I may not have both a constant Greater Invisibility effect and an extremely high Intimidate modifer.
5685: my job is not about "getting to know people...and killing them!"
5686: I may not introduce a fad that involves giving me a Hummer and a burrito.
5687: evil bar wenches who hate adventurers may be amusing, but you still shouldn't trust them.
5688: Vecna is, in fact, acceptable. As a deity for people who you're trying to kill, but nevertheless.
5689: dwarves can take reckless advantage of the fact that nobody knows anything about their culture to get away with outragious things, but that is a chaotic act.
5690: elves do not cause cancer. Shut up. You grandmother did not die of elven cancer, you liar.

5696. "Malcanthet Malcanthet Malcanthet" doesn't work.
5697. The Succubus Queen of Demons isn't emo.
5698. No, you can't play as Venger.
5698a. If, in a fit of temporary insanity, the DM allows you to play as Venger, you may not eat any women. And certainly not "one bite at a time."
5699. You may not retire from adventuring to open a delicatessen.
5700. If it was in the PHB PSAs, you can't do it.

[Gnome King]

5701. I may not spend every day possible of an adventure that started at level one, and ended at level twenty, saving up explosive runes, just so that on the final BBEG fight, right before we all retire, I can empty five max sized bags of holding FILLED with explosive runes on the BBEG's spellbook during a timestop, then run back to the party and purposly fail at casting dispel magic on all of them.

5702. I may never again convince the Wis/Int 3 barbarian that the sun wont rise tomorrow if he doesent drink ALL of the beer in the tavern, just because he annoyed me.

5703. When playing a bard, My song of freedom may not be ANY of These.

5704. Nor does playing it with no target give me an "Awesomeness" bonus of +infinity against law and laws.

[TheLogman]

5705: The answer to any given puzzle is NEVER EVER kick it repetitively.
5706: If a chest is left in the middle of a room, unlocked, I may not open it without first looking over it for traps.
5707: Shooting an arrow across a room, and then Climbing over a river on it is NEVER a better idea than just jumping the 5 foot Gap.

[horseboy]

5703. When playing a bard, My song of freedom may not be ANY of These.

5703 a Nor may be one of these: Freedom!

[puppyavenger]

5708. I am not alowed to use the lupehole that lets the BEEg have every level in a PRC.