Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

[Sholos]

For those of you enjoying the current discussion, sorry for the distraction. For those of you who want something to get off that topic, here you go!

I'm questioning myself. Specifically, I've been exchanging messages on OKC for a bit with someone who'd been out of town for work, got back last week, and I haven't heard from her in almost a week. I went through it at one point, and while she was returning messages regularly (and quickly - far quicker than I was replying to hers), she never once asked a question. My current thinking is that since she hasn't replied to my last message (which I don't think I had an explicit question in, it's the first time I've sent a message without a question), her interest is likely mediocre at best and I therefore shouldn't bother sending another message in order to try to restart the conversation or ask about going for drinks or similar. I've been running crazy with work, school, and planning for a move for a while now, so my mental faculties may well be failing me. Opinions? (I can't even figure out how to phrase the question I'm asking... hopefully you all can figure it out from here).

I'd consider myself lucky to have had any kind of interaction at all. Sounds like it's petered out, though, so cut your losses and move on.

[Chen]

For those of you enjoying the current discussion, sorry for the distraction. For those of you who want something to get off that topic, here you go!

I'm questioning myself. Specifically, I've been exchanging messages on OKC for a bit with someone who'd been out of town for work, got back last week, and I haven't heard from her in almost a week. I went through it at one point, and while she was returning messages regularly (and quickly - far quicker than I was replying to hers), she never once asked a question. My current thinking is that since she hasn't replied to my last message (which I don't think I had an explicit question in, it's the first time I've sent a message without a question), her interest is likely mediocre at best and I therefore shouldn't bother sending another message in order to try to restart the conversation or ask about going for drinks or similar. I've been running crazy with work, school, and planning for a move for a while now, so my mental faculties may well be failing me. Opinions? (I can't even figure out how to phrase the question I'm asking... hopefully you all can figure it out from here).

Are you still interested? If so ask the person out for drinks or something. Worst case they say no or they don't respond and you'll know for sure. Why assume the worst?

[Grytorm]

I don't understand interaction very well it seems. Somebody said something confusing me just a few minutes ago. A girl I have talked to a few times called me sweet and then immediately reminded me that she was married. I have four guesses of why she might have done that. First, she might have been flirtatious but then pulled back and was partially reminding herself, she might have said something unintentionally flirtatious then tried to communicate better, third it might have been a random comment, or last she might be a bit like me and while not trying to be flirtatious might have worried she might come across as flirtatious and then tried to pull back.

Thinking about it if I didn't know she was married I might have interpreted her actions as flirtatious and maybe try to spend more time with her. Eventually maybe try to go on a date. But I don't really know. However this has reminded me to be more positive about friendship in the future. Also to not over think things.

[Coidzor]

There's also the "she thinks you expressed interest and is letting you down gently by informing you of the marriage and the ring on her finger which you may have missed," possible interpretation, since we're just throwing up things without a greater context around them.

[Grytorm]

That is a possibility but it seems somewhat unlikely because she has been the one to actively try to talk to me. Or maybe I don't know anything.

[Chen]

That is a possibility but it seems somewhat unlikely because she has been the one to actively try to talk to me. Or maybe I don't know anything.

Her calling you sweet and then reminding you that she's married definitely strikes me as you said something that she took as you hitting on her or somesuch.

[Grytorm]

Her calling you sweet and then reminding you that she's married definitely strikes me as you said something that she took as you hitting on her or somesuch.

Yeah. Definitely was an attempt to tell me not to be flirtatious. Although it was at least partially her because she did ask me what I thought about her hair. So I don't know.

[Karoht]

For those of you enjoying the current discussion, sorry for the distraction. For those of you who want something to get off that topic, here you go!

I'm questioning myself. Specifically, I've been exchanging messages on OKC for a bit with someone who'd been out of town for work, got back last week, and I haven't heard from her in almost a week. I went through it at one point, and while she was returning messages regularly (and quickly - far quicker than I was replying to hers), she never once asked a question. My current thinking is that since she hasn't replied to my last message (which I don't think I had an explicit question in, it's the first time I've sent a message without a question), her interest is likely mediocre at best and I therefore shouldn't bother sending another message in order to try to restart the conversation or ask about going for drinks or similar. I've been running crazy with work, school, and planning for a move for a while now, so my mental faculties may well be failing me. Opinions? (I can't even figure out how to phrase the question I'm asking... hopefully you all can figure it out from here).

"Hey. I've been thinking about you. How's life?"
It's casual, it doesn't imply anything, and it invites her to talk, tells her you are interested in listening. If you want to continue the dialogue, this is how I would open.

[Glass Mouse]

Opinions? (I can't even figure out how to phrase the question I'm asking... hopefully you all can figure it out from here).

Ask her out!

She's not disinterested, so there's a chance. And some OKC women do lose interest if they are not asked out soon-ish (the rule of thumb I hear is 4-5 substantial messages), because they figure that if nothing happens, you aren't that interested*.

Sure, you're far from guaranteed succes, but hey, one last try won't hurt you.


* Yes, it's annoying and a sexist double standard that they don't ask you out themselves. Let's not go into the whole discussion why.

[rogueboy]

Ask her out!

She's not disinterested, so there's a chance. And some OKC women do lose interest if they are not asked out soon-ish (the rule of thumb I hear is 4-5 substantial messages), because they figure that if nothing happens, you aren't that interested*.

Sure, you're far from guaranteed succes, but hey, one last try won't hurt you.

* Yes, it's annoying and a sexist double standard that they don't ask you out themselves. Let's not go into the whole discussion why.

Yay double-standards! Though I agree that it's not worth anything to anyone to go into the discussion. Now I just have to a) find the time and b) pick a thing/place. (Have I mentioned that I'm not a decisive person? Go me!). Only 2 more weeks of school this quarter, then freedom! For a few months, then pharmacy school and back to no freedom...

[Sholos]

Any tips for getting more than one reply on OKC beyond "don't be creepy" and "talk about mutual interests"? Because I do both of those things all the time and still have absolutely no luck.

EDIT: Oh, and "be lucky" is also not on the list. Because my luck is terrible.

[Themrys]

Any tips for getting more than one reply on OKC beyond "don't be creepy" and "talk about mutual interests"? Because I do both of those things all the time and still have absolutely no luck.

EDIT: Oh, and "be lucky" is also not on the list. Because my luck is terrible.

Be female? That's the only reliable advice I can give, but not really helpful. (Although, you could make a female fake-profile to boost your confidence, I guess - you will probably notice that no, you aren't unlikeable, you're just male.)

[Chen]

Any tips for getting more than one reply on OKC beyond "don't be creepy" and "talk about mutual interests"? Because I do both of those things all the time and still have absolutely no luck.

EDIT: Oh, and "be lucky" is also not on the list. Because my luck is terrible.

I guess make sure your profile and profile picture are well setup. Odds are people will look at the message content first, then at the profile of the person sending it, before deciding to respond or not.

Other than that keep the messages casual, don't bombard the person with only questions. It's a much slower means of conversation than in person or on the phone, but you still don't want to overload the other person with questions they then feel obligated to answer.

[rs2excelsior]

rogueboy: I can sympathize with the OKC message confusion. Someone visited my profile and liked it, so I messaged her and got nothing. I guess just go for it and see what happens. Best of luck!

Also, a question for those more experienced with OKC than I: if I visit someone's profile and I'm interested, should I just go ahead and message her or wait and see if she at least visits my page? I've generally gone with the latter, with less than stellar results.

[Glass Mouse]

Also, a question for those more experienced with OKC than I: if I visit someone's profile and I'm interested, should I just go ahead and message her or wait and see if she at least visits my page? I've generally gone with the latter, with less than stellar results.

You should write immediately. If you don't, she might make the (very reasonable) assumption that you didn't like what you saw, and decide not to extend the effort.

Also, girls get significantly more pageviews than guys do, so checking back every person is time-consuming, especially if she also has to answer a few messages in that sitting. Messages tend to get priority.
Visiting-then-withdrawing might be an okay strategy if you have a truly stellar photo, but for most people (yes, also girls), it's shaky at best.

[Sholos]

Just be sure not to expect too much on the message side. It's hard to find a girl that will actually message you back more than once or twice.

[rogueboy]

rogueboy: I can sympathize with the OKC message confusion. Someone visited my profile and liked it, so I messaged her and got nothing. I guess just go for it and see what happens. Best of luck!

Finally got a chance to actually send a message. Invited her to a trivia night on Tuesday - short notice, but we'll see how she responds. Worst case, no change from the last message I sent, right? (Turns out that was almost 2 weeks ago... hurray for crazy hectic weeks with multiple exams, getting sick, and having either class or work 7 days a week!).

Also, a question for those more experienced with OKC than I: if I visit someone's profile and I'm interested, should I just go ahead and message her or wait and see if she at least visits my page? I've generally gone with the latter, with less than stellar results.

I generally try to browse through the visitors I have periodically (I usually only get 4-5 a week, so it's not too bad if I check every couple weeks). A set of 20-25 visitors will lead to me sending 2-4 messages, typically, and the last round got 1 reply. What I don't do very often, but should, is go into the match section and look at new people. That usually requires me to be more able to spend energy on it, however, so it gets done a lot less often.

On an unrelated note, I'm moving in 2 weeks (from suburbs to the University area of the city), so I'm curious to see what that changes. Won't be quite as significant a change as my last move (swapped coasts), but still likely to be something different.

[Sholos]

4-5 a week? Sounds like someone is popular! I think I'm averaging 1 a month right now.

[Grytorm]

I don't want to feel alone anymore.

[Kalmageddon]

I don't want to feel alone anymore.

A good place to start is stop trying to not be alone and instead focus on other things you enjoy that might make you feel better so that when you do find someone you are ready to welcome him/her into your life without any issues or drama.

[Grytorm]

Perhaps. Focusing on things I can be happy about is a good idea and I kind of do understand that things probably will work out. But I don't really expect them to. The lack of a romantic relationship is something that you jumped on but I also feel alone because I am not very close to any of my friends. In the past when I have mentioned them online people have questioned if they qualify as friends. I'm afraid that if I just act like I have in the past I won't ever change. I need to change soon or I will have lost so much opportunity. I'm afraid that I cannot.

[Themrys]

Perhaps. Focusing on things I can be happy about is a good idea and I kind of do understand that things probably will work out. But I don't really expect them to. The lack of a romantic relationship is something that you jumped on but I also feel alone because I am not very close to any of my friends. In the past when I have mentioned them online people have questioned if they qualify as friends. I'm afraid that if I just act like I have in the past I won't ever change. I need to change soon or I will have lost so much opportunity. I'm afraid that I cannot.

Don't despair. You can change. I wasn't very close to my friends in school; and I managed to change that.

Why are you not close to your friends? Respectively, what leads other people to believe this?

[Eldariel]

I don't want to feel alone anymore.

At least for me, starting new hobbies has always been a catalyst for making new friends, and that's how I've met almost all my Friends since childhood (the rest I've met sitting next to people in language courses; I don't know what's up with that). Obviously, some hobbies are better for this than others; mine have been naturally group-minded (partner dancing, choir, recitation, etc.), which obviously goes a long way towards building social relationships. Of course, the most important part of any hobby is enjoying it; the social circles they can build are just an added bonus.

Either way, many kinds of clubs exist for the more solitary sorts of hobbies too and the naturally social ones are of course an easy way of meeting people and building contacts. Though at least in my case, another important factor is that the demographic is right; it's no coincidence I've built most of my close bonds with other university students or graduates. Turns out it's much easier to build interesting relationships with people who have similar orientation and at least some shared interests, than when you have nothing to build upon. Plus similarly-minded people are naturally more likely to get along (in my case, intellectually oriented people, who naturally gravitate towards the university).

[Grytorm]

I don't really know how close other people perceive me to be to them. But the reason why I feel somewhat distant is mostly because of a few things. Social awkwardness (Probably related to Aspergers), I have a somewhat difficult time staying on track in a conversation because I like to talk about what I want to talk about so in group conversations I have trouble participating. Second my basic reaction to downtime is most typically withdrawal, I try to read or spend time on a computer or think, this makes it harder to connect with people. Third because I have not spent time with people in the past I don't really know how to now and people I know probably wouldn't invite me to anything. I only interact with me friends if we ride the bus together and a few times I have talked to people online.

Edit: The group activity thing would also be beneficial. Although when I played MtG I always felt somewhat distant from everyone else. Also making this more difficult is that I live somewhat out in he country and can' drive yet.

[Form]

4-5 a week? Sounds like someone is popular! I think I'm averaging 1 a month right now.

That may have to do with your respective locations. I looked up the populations of Seattle and Charlottesville on wikipedia out of curiosity and Seattle has well over 10+ times the population of where you live. So Seattle likely has many more OKCupid users as well. I generally find that being more active oneself tends to result in more visitors and well written messages also tend to provoke a visit.

Talking about OKCupid in a more general sense, I'd like to ask the female OKCupid users here a question: What kind of messages and profiles are you most likely to respond to?

[Sholos]

That may have to do with your respective locations. I looked up the populations of Seattle and Charlottesville on wikipedia out of curiosity and Seattle has well over 10+ times the population of where you live. So Seattle likely has many more OKCupid users as well. I generally find that being more active oneself tends to result in more visitors and well written messages also tend to provoke a visit.

Talking about OKCupid in a more general sense, I'd like to ask the female OKCupid users here a question: What kind of messages and profiles are you most likely to respond to?

Eh, fair enough. And going to actually check, I'm sitting at around 3 a month, though the last real message exchange was 6 months ago despite having attempted contact with several since then. Can't decide which is more frustrating, though. Getting no response or getting a response that seems positive only to have no follow-up responses. I should have been tipped off by the fact that she didn't even bother visiting my profile, though.

[Jallorn]

Eh, fair enough. And going to actually check, I'm sitting at around 3 a month, though the last real message exchange was 6 months ago despite having attempted contact with several since then. Can't decide which is more frustrating, though. Getting no response or getting a response that seems positive only to have no follow-up responses. I should have been tipped off by the fact that she didn't even bother visiting my profile, though.

If it helps, over a period of at least a year of lethargic, but still present, activity, I only ever got 1 spontaneous message, and basically 1 return message a month if I was lucky. I've never been one for sending out lots of messages, admittedly, but still.

[Glass Mouse]

Talking about OKCupid in a more general sense, I'd like to ask the female OKCupid users here a question: What kind of messages and profiles are you most likely to respond to?

Spoiler

Show

Messages: Short, fun (aka, upbeat in tone), demonstrate that my profile has been read, and include a question. I'm pretty popculture-happy, so a little injoke or reference also helps with me. And, frankly, it needs to tick in at a time when I'm not busy or feeling particularly "who would ever want me"-ish, but that's not something anyone can control.
And obviously it needs to be from someone who is compatible (the "looking for..." section is there for a reason, folks!).
Dealbreakers: "hi"/"hey"/"wats up", anything sex-related, copy'n'paste messages.

Profiles: Good, non-grainy pictures (including smiles! and preferably at least one body shot). Again, an upbeat/positive tone, concrete answers - no "chilling with my friends", "I don't know, you tell me," "I like lots of things", etc.. I'd rather read a short profile with content than a long list of blah. And I need to feel like I hit backspace with some idea of who you are.
Some interests should also parallel mine, and none of my dealbreaker questions should be answered wrongly.
Dealbreakers: Complaining about your dating bad luck, having a loooooong list of preferences and dealbreakers, being homophobic or anti-feminist, atrocious spelling, completely empty profile.

This all probably seems terribly 101, but eh. You'd be surprised how many men disregard it all.

Eh, fair enough. And going to actually check, I'm sitting at around 3 a month, though the last real message exchange was 6 months ago despite having attempted contact with several since then. Can't decide which is more frustrating, though. Getting no response or getting a response that seems positive only to have no follow-up responses. I should have been tipped off by the fact that she didn't even bother visiting my profile, though.

Online dating sucks for all. You should count on a 1/10 reply rate, maybe a little better if you have something big going for you (great looks, Shakespearean profile, fortunate geography, the right gender/orientation, etc.). In my last OKC stretch, I pulled in an amazing 1/3 reply rate, but that's as a queer woman living in the capital.
I don't know what "several" means, but it might just be too few. Online dating really is a numbers game.

One thing in regards to the "visits" thing:
Please remember that people can choose to stay invisible, so they won't show up on your "Visited" list. I dunno how many non-visists this accounts for, but probably a significant amount. OKC just feels a little safer with invisibility on.


Also, just to mention something important: If (online) dating stops being fun, stop doing it. It is pretty draining, especially selfconfidence-wise, and there's no need to keep inflicting that on oneself endlessly. If it's a chore or is starting to lead to resentment, disable your profile and do something else. Because that frustration is just gonna work against you and loop itself around.

[rogueboy]

That may have to do with your respective locations. I looked up the populations of Seattle and Charlottesville on wikipedia out of curiosity and Seattle has well over 10+ times the population of where you live. So Seattle likely has many more OKCupid users as well. I generally find that being more active oneself tends to result in more visitors and well written messages also tend to provoke a visit.

This. And that "10+ times" is only counting Seattle itself, not any of the suburbs/cities that are within 20-30 miles (1 at 200k, 3 at around 100k, couple more at 30-50k). Seattle only accounts for about 20% of the area's population.

Spoiler

Show

Messages: Short, fun (aka, upbeat in tone), demonstrate that my profile has been read, and include a question. I'm pretty popculture-happy, so a little injoke or reference also helps with me. And, frankly, it needs to tick in at a time when I'm not busy or feeling particularly "who would ever want me"-ish, but that's not something anyone can control.
And obviously it needs to be from someone who is compatible (the "looking for..." section is there for a reason, folks!).
Dealbreakers: "hi"/"hey"/"wats up", anything sex-related, copy'n'paste messages.

Profiles: Good, non-grainy pictures (including smiles! and preferably at least one body shot). Again, an upbeat/positive tone, concrete answers - no "chilling with my friends", "I don't know, you tell me," "I like lots of things", etc.. I'd rather read a short profile with content than a long list of blah. And I need to feel like I hit backspace with some idea of who you are.
Some interests should also parallel mine, and none of my dealbreaker questions should be answered wrongly.
Dealbreakers: Complaining about your dating bad luck, having a loooooong list of preferences and dealbreakers, being homophobic or anti-feminist, atrocious spelling, completely empty profile.

This all probably seems terribly 101, but eh. You'd be surprised how many men disregard it all.

I don't know about other guys, but that's pretty much the same thing I look for in profiles. I don't get enough unsolicited messages (1 every 8-10 months, maybe?) to have any real deal-breakers there (I think I've at least looked at a profile from someone who just sent "hi").

Online dating sucks for all. You should count on a 1/10 reply rate, maybe a little better if you have something big going for you (great looks, Shakespearean profile, fortunate geography, the right gender/orientation, etc.). In my last OKC stretch, I pulled in an amazing 1/3 reply rate, but that's as a queer woman living in the capital.
I don't know what "several" means, but it might just be too few. Online dating really is a numbers game.

I was thinking about my reply rate, and 1/10 is about what I decided was a fair estimate for me. Not having the time to do much more than an occasional perusal of OKC leads to not a lot of messages being sent, which in turn leads to very few actual exchanges (many of which just die).

One thing in regards to the "visits" thing:
Please remember that people can choose to stay invisible, so they won't show up on your "Visited" list. I dunno how many non-visists this accounts for, but probably a significant amount. OKC just feels a little safer with invisibility on.

I always wonder what percentage of people decide to remain invisible.

[rlc]

Okay, so i lived with my fianceé and her parents for a couple years up until she decided that she didn't want to be my fianceé anymore. We also have a kid together. I now live 1,000 miles away because i had to move back in with my parents. Well, we're mostly been engaging in small talk about our daughter and i'll answer questions she asks or ask her to give our baby girl a kiss.
So, i've gotten a little cocky with the anonymity option of tumblr and sent some messages (nothing bad or mean or anything). Well, i think she got a rebound online girlfriend or something like that, which isn't really important, but her friend (or girlfriend? Still not sure/not important) and her apparently had a falling out and i sent anon messages about how sometimes it's better to forgive people or to apologize if you feel at fault, but forgot to set myself anon for one of them.
So, yesterday while i was at work, she sends me an email saying they have no internet, but she got a temp boost mobile phone that i can text if i want to.
So, my questions are: how long should i wait? It's been a day since the email (and probably a few days since we last talked)? do i wait until i'm 100% okay and over her (currently maybe 50%, i've at least started looking at other women and considering whether or not i'd take her back if she asked me to), even though she's the mother of my child? If it comes up, should i (as non-vindictively as possible) tell her my issues with trusting her and how she made me feel, especially after dumping me? Anything else, other than telling me ro quit stalking/bugging her on tumblr?

TL;DR: My baby mama gave me her new number, saying to text her. What do?